When gardening today, my mind wandered as it always does, and for some reason, the song “My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys” (Willie Nelson, 1980) came to mind. This phrase was the literal truth for my father. He grew up worshipping the like of John Wayne and probably a bunch of other Hollywood cowboys that I have no memory of. He dreamed of having a ranch, riding horseback, and playing the guitar and harmonica in the evenings. I’m not sure if it was the life he desired, or the image of the free-wheeling tough-guy cowboy that he dreamed of. In real life, in his younger days, he was indeed a charmer, with a number of women at his heels, at least that is what I hear of from my father’s friends. He settled down with my mother at what was considered then to be the late age of 35, a good 10-15 years later than other people in his era. We eventually did move from the city to the country, to a place he called our little ranch. We had a pony (he rarely rode), and cattle (which died), sheep (which any true cowboy would be horrified by - they call them cowboys after all, not sheepboys), goats (even worse - goatboys?), chickens (they had chickens on ranches didn’t they?), ducks (mean SOBs), geese, and an aggressive pig (named Maggie after his obese secretary...and whom we ate...the pig, not the secretary), rabbits, and a big garden. In the evenings he sometimes tried to play the guitar or the harmonica. Between his business and the ranch, I’m sure he was tired a lot, but he was living his dream.
Which had me thinking: who are my heroes? Is there anyone that I grew up so admiring that I would model my life upon them? And what is the difference between a hero and a role model? I think back upon my life. My parents? I couldn’t claim that to be the truth. Not that I didn’t love them, but they didn’t have much time for me, an understandable situation given our poverty. I would say that I respected them, but to be honest, they were not my heroes. Teachers? I can’t remember the names of all of my teachers, and can barely remember the names of many of them except one impressive teacher in college. He could have been a hero. Or it might have been lust. My friends? The friends I grew up with betrayed me in a cruel incident in my teenage years, so no, not friends. Even had this not happened, I would not say they were my heroes. The church? As a child I saw that the church officials in the church where we went were power-hungry, manipulative weasels (the pastor was eventually accused of sexual abuse, and then “disappeared”). They certainly weren’t people to be admired.
I grew up in an inner city neighborhood, and there was no one around to admire. Police officers? They were in positions of intimidation, not that of admiration. Firemen? I was not that impressed with someone standing around pouring water on a building (which was my impression of a fireman as a child), so no. Doctors? What did doctors do except poke and prod and, in general, invade my personal space in embarrassing ways? This does not even include the horrors of shots and blood draws. I saw no evidence of impressive life-saving. So no. Not doctors.
I was never a fan of comic books or their superheroes, and those that I did read were impressive, even titillating (all those tight costumes!), but not my heroes. The president? I grew up with Nixon in the White House, so no, not government officials. Pop stars? I didn’t listen much to the radio until my teenage years, and then rabidly. I admired the singers, even had crushes on some of them (or so I told myself to pretend), but not a hero. Movie stars? The same as pop stars. I also know people whose heroes are those people who are self-made millionaires. They see these people who have "pulled themselves up by their bootstraps," and made their millions. But in my inner city world, those who made the money did so on the backs of others. It was a struggle for my parents to make enough to pay for groceries, and I remember standing in line while my parents literally counted pennies and told the cashier to put things back that we couldn't afford. Unlike my sister, who was inspired by this to defeat the system, I was defeated by the situation. I saw those around us struggling to make the millionaire dream come true, and devoted their lives to making money. They were not people who had time for little boys, and did not seem better off or more happy for their effort. The ones that did make it, similarly, were not personalities that I wished to emulate, despite their luxuries. So no role models. And no heroes.
Or is that entirely true? What did I admire more than anything else when I was growing up? What was it that I admired the most, if someone forced me in some way to choose a hero?
If I look up the word “hero” in my Oxford dictionary, it says: 1. a person noted or admired for nobility, courage, outstanding achievements, etc. 2. the chief male character in a poem, play, story, etc. 3. a man of superhuman qualities, favored by the gods; a demigod. 4. a submarine sandwich.
I’ve already eliminated #1. As far as #2, I myself am the chief male character in my story, and although some people are their own heroes, I was not the hero in my mind (as the first words of David Copperfield say, “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.”). #3 was already addressed, and no, superhuman superheroes are not my role model hero. And #4, although I appreciate a good sub sandwich as much as the next guy, no, hero sandwiches are not my hero.
Perhaps I could consider my sister my hero. She was born with a birth defect that has made her ridiculed or at least stared at by people throughout her life. She has lived with the threat of seizures (didn’t manifest themselves) and the threat of early death. She has known since an early age that she is at high risk for the rupture of a blood vessel in her brain, that such event could occur at any time and cause instant death. As a person “admired for nobility, courage, outstanding achievements,” I could strive to emulate her grace in accepting these conditions of life (who would want to be Mother Theresa, by the way, I mean, really?). But growing up together, we were young comrades in arms, and could a colleague be a hero when I’ve seen the bad as well as the good, the simple humanity of a person? Maybe. I’ll accept this one.
But what if #1 was not a person? What if it were a thing that is “noted or admired for nobility, courage, outstanding achievements, etc.?” What it is that I admired most as a child, or as an impressionable youth growing up, for nobility, for outstanding achievements, for surviving through adverse lifetime events, through massacre, through the adversity of chance, through the curves that life throws, for the ability to continue on despite damage and scars, and despite difficult conditions? It was not a person at all. It was the trees. Yep, plants. You must have guessed this by now. The survivors I saw were there, year after year, from a time long before my life began, or my parents lives began, or perhaps even my grandparents. Their heroism extended through a non-human time scale, and were beyond the faults or character flaws that people have. I saw trees as being true to themselves, they were simply what they were, and did not pretend to be anything else but that. They were honest to a fault. They suffered from difficulty, but moved on to become something greater despite the difficulty, or even because of the difficulty. They did what they could do to survive, even if sometimes they did not. There are people who lived like this, being true to themselves and their dreams, but they were fictional characters on television or in the movies. Perhaps this is what my father saw in the Hollywood cowboys. No, I must admit that trees were my heroes, even if I could never be one, or even strive to be one.
My heroes have never been cowboys.