you had me at hello;

i was just looking through some of my old entries, and oh boy. i've certainly changed. everything's so different now.. the way i feel is different, and people i hang out with are different, even the things i do are different. i know that change is constant, and inevitable too, but i cant help but want to be stuck in the same mud i stepped on when i was 16. even so, that would mean never meeting him, which is certainly not what i wish for.

well, im home early today.. surprisingly. anyways, met up with lyn and matt today.. seeing them today was awesome, but something didnt feel right. i dont know, maybe its just me, but things arent the same anyone.. i feel so helpless. hmm, its like, my social bar going red in the sims game. sigh. it felt like that spark wasnt there anymore. like everyone's improving relationships, and im left behind. i dont know how to go on, or what to do. everything's just tough. its the same with the usuals and mi-ians. i just want to run up to all of them and give them a huge hug and tell them i love them and i never wanna let go of this friendship we have.. but how on earth can i do that? i really dont know. i need time to do so much. there's just so much repairing to do, and so many people to reach out to, and so many issues at hand. and thinking abt relationships in general just makes me think abt what i have with God. im totally lost. and i dont know how to go home.

i dont know, im just lost. and lost.

i miss my family though i see them everyday.
i miss my usuals and its tough meeting them.
i miss charmz and tango but i dont know what to do.
i miss being in church and doing what i love.
gosh. i miss being in maranatha.
i miss being in that family.
i miss being back home.
i've never really thought of mpm as home..

til now.
oh no.
then how abt cat class?
sheesh, this aint good.
i need to pray.

oh well.

the people who make me smile.