Hansen Family

So I'm singing to myself that silly song I used to warm up to in dance class way back in high school where the lyrics go "hey, yeah...."over and over and then says "shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture" haha so there you go, now you know!
I am awake at 1:00 am to write this just so you know. It seems like the only time I feel motivated to do stuff is after 10:00pm. Why is this so? I don't know but it's slowly killing me because I'm actually exhausted :)
I've been soo busy lately. It seems like after Kylee's birthday the ball just kept rolling and the plans for our trip to China became all we could think about (and talk about)! (pictures and post coming soon). Now we're home and Christmas and New year has come and gone, not to mention, Braden's second birthday...this is what his birthday party looked like
pretty awesome huh?!
Luckily, because it was his birthday, we got our airport breakfast (while waiting for a connecting flight) 50% off which means we actually bought enough food to feed us all and we all got to share TWO chocolate frappes instead of just one like we usually do. (Living on a budget ya know). We really used the free child air fair well because had he been born just hours earlier, we would've had to pay $600 for his seat! Instead, because he's a "baby" he got to sprawl across two extra seats for free. Happy Birthday to you Braden! We love you little fire-cracker!
Our flight home on Air Asia went well, but unfortunately, it didn't go well for another flight that left Malaysia that day too (actually I think it left from Singapore???) That's the same morning that the flight crashed in the Java sea killing everyone on board. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father's plan for me was to live and be with my family and loved ones again. So sad, and so real.

On a happier note, 5 weeks of vacation and time with the fam has completely rebooted me and I feel amazing. I'm so motivated to get back to the core of things and clean out my life so that I don't keep wasting my time on frivolous things that get me no where and leave me feeling empty. I'm reading a book called "the Happiness Project" and chapter one is all about cleaning out your house and tossing things you don't need. I read it with Jeremy (I'd read it myself first but knew he would love it) and the next morning, I woke up to him going through his clothes. There was already a big pile on the end of the bed. That was the beginning of something really great. We've gutted Braden's room, the kid's room, our closet, and the pantry. I has been exhausting and the hot humidity is actually unbearable at times but we're forging our way through. At first we were like a stampede moving through but we've slowed right down to turtle speed, haha. I'm still determined though because the parts of the house that are clean are so nice and I'm enjoying my time in those clean places of my house a lot. Apparently, there's a positive effect that comes from an empty shelf did you know? In our little tiny matchbox of a home, there's not much room for empty shelves-or so I thought. While moving through our house and getting rid of so much stuff I suddenly felt free!!! Why am I keeping all the boys old clothes? Why do I need to keep that fake plant that I love but will someday fix the broken pot that it sits in? Why do the kids need to have 5 t-shirts and 4 sleeping shorts when they have plenty of proper, matching jammies? Kylee doesn't like tights so why am I keeping 5 really cute pairs in her drawer and making it harder to close? Chuck it, chuck it, chuck it....!!!! That's my motto lately!!! It's really great. I think my thinking that drives me to keep things is the "just in case". Just in case I have another boy, just in case I need a camp shirt, just in case I decide to glue the old pot that isn't worth keeping, just in case I want to knit a sweater (4 rolls of yarn!), just in case blah blah blah...is it worth carting around all this stuff "just in case"??? NOOO NOO NOO. If I need it, I'll be able to get it when I do. I keep telling myself that. The Lord will provide me with whatever I need, when I need it. I fully believe that now. Anyway, half the stuff I was keeping, I didn't even remember I had it and would have most likely missed reusing it anyway!! So there's that.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my family and friends in America. I SERIOUSLY miss them. Kind of makes my heart hurt a little. I really want to meet my friend's babies and hold them and play with them and chat away the day comparing horror parent stories. I want to be there to influence my nieces and nephews and help them on their way into teenager-hood and give them alllll the love they need to make it through the most confusing part of life (my opinion). I want my kids to meet their grandpa and let them have cuddles and play with him. I want them to get to know their cousins that they don't even know! If I had more money, I would be booking a ticket right now for a good, long, visit. But, I don't. And I can't. So, thankfully, I stalk them on the internet and smile the whole time! With all that being said though, I actually love where I live. This is my home and I feel like this is where I belong. It's very important to feel like you belong somewhere. If you haven't ever felt that, then keep looking because it's a really great, contended feeling. Knowing and loving where you are gives you grounding ya know? I know I was born in America but I feel my heart kind of tingle when I sing the Australian anthem and celebrate all things "Aussie". I'm grateful that Jeremy does too. I'm grateful for my daughter's Australian accent and I'm grateful that they love Vegemite sandwiches! haha!!! It's kind of odd really, but there you go. That's the truth of it. Even the spiders and snakes won't scare me away!! (and yes, I just happened to see my first snake since living in this house a few weeks ago-just a green garden snake though). Just take me to the beach and all is forgotten :)

Well, I'm starting to lose my train of thought and I'm probably not going to proof read this because it's stinkin late and I'm tired. Good night matey's

Love Chel

Well, I've done it again. Planned a birthday party and fed and entertained 20 or so people. Did I do it alone? Heck no. Do I wonder why I do these things to myself? You bet.
I have this problem. I have really good ideas and imagine grand and wonderful things but the actual carrying it out doesn't really seem to be a reality to me. It happened with my wedding and has happened a lot since. What I imagine and what actually happens are two VERY different things. I guess I don't realize what it takes to carry things out. The planning, the time, and the work. Well, this happened again, today.

My heart was actually racing before people had even arrived and even the people who came early to help, made me nervous. What are they going to think of me? Will they know that I actually can do things right, this just was a bad day? The first guess who arrived got put on streamer duty while the second to arrive got put on "bake the party pies" duty and the third to arrive got "blow up the balloons" duty. Luckily all of these people are my friends and know me, but I was still so embarrassed. I didn't pull it all together like I thought I would and the food table did not look like anything that would ever make it on pinterest (not. even. close.) Half way through I realized the veggies that were supposed to be beautifully cut and displayed never even made it out of the fridge drawer and the healthy almond ball things I was going to make for a gluten free friend were so not going to happen. ugh. At the point of wanting to go in my room and shut my door, a lovely friend gives me a hug and asks what she can do to help. I wish I knew! I can't really think straight so I can't tell you! And, as the house that I frantically cleaned became a tornado zone within 10 minutes in, I realize I've got to CHILL OUT! This is for the kids. Phrases like, "I don't know where the kitty costume is, go ask your daddy" or "Jeremy, Ethan needs you" and "It's in the dress up basket, go have a look yourself" start coming out and I suddenly realize I don't actually have to do everything and please every one! Aha! Yes! Genius!
Of course there's the fact that I didn't finish getting myself ready in time so my frizzy thick hair is a bit like a mane and my tired eyes look plain and I glance at myself feeling a bit guilty that I didn't take the time to get ready and my guests have put on make up buy I haven't!

Ok, seriously. Enough is enough! Who cares???!!!! Why do I worry so much about what people are thinking? Why do I compare myself and my capabilities with others'? Do you know what people said to me at the party once I finally chilled and chatted for awhile? They said that it was such a fun party and the kids had had a blast and were happy and entertained themselves! Not to mention, all the food was gone which means they mustn't have cared about how cute it looked and the party lasted much longer than I planned because none of the kids wanted to leave! So as I sit writing this out I have just realized that I view myself so differently than reality. I'm hard on myself, I doubt myself, I set unnecessary expectations on myself, I think I'm ugly, I think people can see right through me into all the ugly that's inside, I worry too much, and I usually think I need to change who I am, or at least alter what people think about me. Ugh, how negative am I? I really love being around positive people and actually have the capability to be quite positive myself but boy have I let myself go. I am going to try and remember all this now. I'm not going to say I'm going to change because I don't need to change who I am, I just need to practice letting out the good that's in me, and not let the negative stuff out. I need to feed the thoughts that I want to grow. I need to love myself and remember to build myself up. I managed to throw a party for my little girl. She was happy (most of the time) and that's really what matters.

And now, instead of FBing the night away, I blogged and that feels pretty good :)
Good night ya'll!
Chelsey

Ok, so I don't keep a journal and every day I make "entries" in my head of what I would write about my life and my day if I had the time and energy to actually sit down and write. Well, not anymore. I'm writing it down for real because seriously, time is slipping away and I fear that I may one day forget all that goes on in my head. I used to blog for whoever would read my posts but I'm not doing that any more either. I'm writing for me. And for my family. And for my future. So read if you want, or don't, I don't care because I will be here. Writing. I'm not really worried about offending others or embarrassing myself because I need to have a place for me to be me. So there's that.

Today, I met up with a friend up the road. I packed two big bags full of food and another bag with my thermomix in it. We were going to bake up a storm. And, cook for the next few days to get ahead of ourselves. I should mention my friend has 3 kids too. Just like me, an almost 6 yr old girl and unlike me, twin 3 year olds. (I only have one ;) ) and of course we have little wild child Braden.  Like most things I do, I misjudged my expectations and instead of having a blissful baking/cooking day, we barely made lunch and some veggie stock. We had a good laugh though. It was fun. Of course, the lunch we made (actually I made it while my friend tended to the neverending needs of the 6 children) wasn't liked by all and once we sat down to eat it, Ethan fell apart and couldn't figure out which seat to sit in and which table he preferred and of course, the bowl it was served in was all wrong. After a cuddle, tears, a smack on the face (mine) and a lecture on using your words instead of screaming, we finally decided that he would be just fine without lunch and could play while I ate my cold risotto that I'd worked on for an hour. After one bite, I was needed to help Braden who was falling off his chair, and meanwhile Ethan was upset again because he wanted a turn on the bike and would DIE if he didn't get one RIGHT NOW! I decided to zone out because seriously, I needed to eat and would also DIE if I didn't eat RIGHT NOW. Haha. I'm starting to understand where my children get their tendencies from! My friend and I just laughed as we realized how funny it was to expect to have things go perfectly. I ended up eating the rest of my kids food as well and as we were cleaning up, Ethan innocently announces that he's hungry! So I of course scooped some risotto into a bowl and hand fed him like a baby. All was well in his world again.

Meanwhile, I was trying to get a hold of Jeremy who was meant to be arriving home from class but his phone was on vibrate. (I didn't know). Of course after 2 hours with no answer, I had immediately assumed that he must be dead from a train crash or, of course, was asleep on the train or something. Luckily for me, neither was true. He was mowing the lawn. What a lovely husband I have. He uses his spare time to mow the lawn and start another load of laundry. If it were me and I came home to an empty house, I would've crashed on the couch and after eating something really unhealthy, losing myself in something worthless like Facebook.

Well, Braden, whom I thought was asleep, isn't and is crying out for me so I must go. I've already let him cry for 10 min :)
Chelsey

1. Finding your cell phone and you've missed 5 calls
2. Being out all afternoon to come home and find your husband has brought the washing in from the line and hung up the next load.
3. Has folded the washing to avoid them from getting wrinkled.
4. Coming home and finding your kitchen completely clean after you left it a mess
5. When I jokingly ask, "do you want to eat dinner tonight, too?" the hubster says, "well, yes but you could just do a big pot of veggies with butter and salt on it."
6. The Hubster eats, from the pot, the left over veggies with a fork.
7. Finding my mold infested (seriously-red fabric turned black and spotty) double stroller scrubbed free of mold with a fresh scent left over, drying out side.
8. A hug from the Hubster at the door after doing all these wonderful things for me today.
9. My two children giggling while playing with their dad on the living room floor before bed. All 3 of them grinning.
10. Blogging at 11:00 pm while he lies next to me fast asleep and my burning eyes start to water :) So Tired!



Sometimes I have to remind myself just how lucky I am to have him.

In a lot of ways, my past is always present in my mind. I have a good past in some ways, but in other ways, a past that I'd like to forget a lot of. I look back and wonder who that girl was and why I worried about certain things that I did, or remember how I'd mistreated someone and feel so ashamed because of it. Now that I'm raising a little girl (and little boy, but this post is pertaining to her right now) I often find myself afraid of passing on things from my past that I didn't like from my childhood. For instance, I sometimes find myself frustrated with my mom for embarrassing me in public so I make sure I don't do things to embarrass Kylee to spare her from the feeling of embarrassment. Make sense? So Kylee is in dance class and this year they decided to change the uniform. Since I'd spent $50 on her uniform last year I decided that she would just have to be happy with that. Then I got lucky and received a bag of hand-me-downs from someone at church. Coincidentally, we received the very same tutu that was her new uniform in the bag, just an older version of it! SCORE! So at dance class, Kylee realizes that her version is a bit different. I think the previous owner must have put it in the dryer and the tutu material shrunk/melted a bit. So, I take a trip to Spotlight, the "JoAnn's" of Australia, and buy some new tulle to sew her a new skirt onto her old tutu. 'Easy, great idea, I can totally make this look like the other girls in her class' I'm thinking to myself as I cut, and buy the new material. Then, after the kids are in bed >sigh< I pull out the sewing machine and everything I'll need to get started. I have the unpicker in my hand and just before I start to unpick, a sudden emotion flows over me. Something from my past has crept up and is stopping me from going on. "what if I ruin this" "what if she looks different" "why don't I just buy the real thing so she's not the odd one out with a homemade tutu?" "what if people at her class make fun of her?" "what if she's annoyed with me because I'm the one who is making her different?" "can I do this? I only have one shot" About a half an hour later, I realized what was happening. I was dealing with my past while working on my daughters future. I only get one chance to raise this girl, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's kind of freakin' me out! I hate to say that I'm not happy with things from my past, but I'm not. I hated being different. I was the girl with the homemade dress, the homemade doll, the homemade lunch, the home cut hair cut, and while most people said I was lucky, I didn't think so. I just wanted a store bought dress, a salon hair cut, a "real" american doll. Even though my mom worked really hard and was really good at making/ cutting/ and sewing things for me. I didn't appreciate it and often "stuck" out from the crowd because of it. All I wanted to do was fit in. But last night, I realized how my mom probably felt while raising me. She did everything for me out of love. She tried her hardest to give me what she thought I wanted and I'm lucky for that. It has taken me a long time to realize that and having my own daughter has really helped, but I fear that it will take a lot longer for me to come to terms with it all. I also realized that Kylee is different from me and may not even care about being like every one else. I need to make sure I don't pass on that fear/insecurity to her by the way I act. So here's to the future and trying our best to do what we think is right. And here's to forgiveness and understanding of our past, in hopes to make our future free from worry.
p.s. I started the tutu and so far, it looks pretty good, if I do say so myself! :)

Motherhood is hard stuff. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Each day is good, yes, but there are little battles all day long that you have to win to keep your head above water. At the end of the day, you literally feel like you've won a million battles, or maybe lost a million because you've screamed for the last time at your adorable children/toddler to get into bed and feel pretty guilty about it. You know when you're at the grocery store and there's a mother with children that seem to be entertaining everyone in the store. Not the "cute" entertainment, but the kind that consumes the focus and quiet etiquette that should come with grocery shopping. Sometime in the past I have watched one of "those" kind of mothers lose it and yell at her children for all to hear. I admittedly say that I've even thought to myself "man, that mother obviously doesn't handle things well, can't she get her children under control?" and smiled as I walked by. SHAMEFUL. Well, yesterday, I am proud to say that I was the chosen mother with the screaming children. Kylee was unable to talk normally at the store, everything was a crying shout. Not exaggerating here, "ETHAN HIT ME >>>WAHHHHH" Then I get the "look" from a passing shopper. Then it's Ethan because Kylee won't let him touch her "WAAAHHHH" I think to myself, "maybe we could just go with out food this week" as I contemplate going home and forgetting the whole thing. But, alas, I sigh a deep breathe, pick up my lovely toddler, give her a cuddle and have a little chat (another one) about how she needs to use her words instead of crying. The normal bribery is agreed upon and she's back in the shopping cart to make it down one more isle in peace. Sigh. One more little battle won. I may not have the cutest clothes, the most flawless face, the cleanest designer home, the most "popular" family, the nicest biggest fancy car, the best behaved children, but gosh dang-it, I've got a good life and I love my children more than anything in the world. I so badly want them to be happy and learn the things in life that will help them achieve just that. And if I can win just "one more" battle today, then I think I'm doing pretty good. I hope that one day I won't feel like I'm just 'keeping my head above water' but actually swimming laps around my troubles. But for now, if I can just keep swimming without drowning and smile while doing it, then I'm OK with that!

Kylee's quote of the day after saying prayer in the car before leaving home: "Mummy, I was just talking to Heavenly Father! Did you know, there's two of them? (HF and Jesus I'm assuming) Just like my tutu!" Gotta love it.

I feel like I've been robbed of my little baby's past 11 mo. Where has the time gone and how did I get this lucky to have such a perfect little boy!!!!!! Forgive me for the brag session, but seriously, there is not one thing that is difficult about this child. He rarely cries, sleeps through the night (has since 12 weeks) teeths with hardly any crying, restlessness and always has a smile for me. His new thing is to give cuddles, not just laying on my shoulder, he pats my shoulder with one arm and holds the back of my head and twirls my hair with the other, looks up at me, smiles then nestles back into my shoulder. AWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this little boy!!!!! Doesn't he look so old in this photo???? It's hard to believe he is my little baby! Seriously overflowing with love right now. Just wanted to share. Thanks for reading :)