I despise this weather. It's so depressing.

Can I tell you some things that made me happy the other day?

I went to work on Wednesday, and I was the first one there, so I went to the classroom next door to get the key to unlock our classroom. The teacher gave it to me, and when I went to return it, a little seventh-grade girl called out to me that she liked my shirt. I smiled at her and told her thank you. As I left, I heard her say wistfully to the rest of the class, "She's pretty."

It done my little insecure heart good.

We had our little Halloween party that afternoon, with Halloweengo (Halloween Bingo--haha!) and pumpkin decorating and donuts. One of the little boys (he steals chocolate milk for me) had to leave early--his dad and his little sister came to get him. (She is the most darling little child I have ever seen in my life!) So we gave him a donut to take with him, and did he eat it? 

No, he did not.

He gave it to his little sister. Completely melting the hearts of his female tutors. Oh my goodness. It made me wish that I had an older brother to take care of me. I'm the oldest, so I don't know what it's like to have someone really look out for me--that's always been my job--so I'm jealous when I see older brothers and sisters taking care of their younger siblings.

So all you cute brothers and sisters.... I love it! Stay that way! You make me want to be a better person! 

I don't feel so dank and dreary right now. Plus there's a basketball game and a Spectrum seat with my name on it tonight.

:)

Apparently, you are "meant for each other" if at the Pumpkin Walk you run into somebody you didn't particularly want to see at that moment. Interesting. I once ran into this person at Tummi Yummi. What does that mean? What if one day I run into him at Wal-Mart? The post office? Honk's?

I will truly believe in MFEO if in a year from now I run into this person while purchasing an Asiago cheese bagel at Einstein's. Mark it. November 2010. 

Speaking of food. I was really excited today. 

I was HUNGRY!!! Do you know how great that is? I've been sick for so long, and I haven't wanted to eat at all. I'm three pounds lighter than I was a week ago, and today I was starving! It was such a good feeling to eat.

Plus I slept for nine hours.

It was a good day today.

Except for that nasty bit called snow. Could've done without that part. 

Yep.

Second ugliest is my voice laughing.

Third ugliest is my voice singing.

I guess that's what happens when you miss three days of school because you are coughing so much you can't breathe.

Good news is, my ugly, ugly voice guaranteed me an extension on my African lit paper. 

"No, I definitely don't need a doctor's note from you."

--Dr. Graham

Don't worry. 

I don't have the flu. I would know if I did. There are certain flu-ey feelings you get, and I don't have them. Also, even though my nose turns up at the end, it is not a piggy nose.

All I want is a big, steaming bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup, and someone who will tuck a big blanket around me and let me lay my head in their lap. An extra bonus would be that they would run their fingers through my hair.

But nobody is making soup and I don't have anybody to snuggle with. 

my-fear-of-not-being-able-to-find-a-bathroom-when-I-need-one.

Does that one have a name? Cos I'm pretty sure it's a legitimate fear.

I have this recurring dream where I'm trying to find a bathroom, but I just can't. Sometimes, I am even in this huge kind of locker room, where there are rows and rows of bathroom stalls, but I can't find one that I can use.

The toilets are disgusting, or there's no toilet paper, or no toilet seat, or the handle to flush it is broken, or there are no seat covers. Or maybe they are leaking and there are deep, questionable puddles all over the tile. Sometimes the toilets are so high that the only person who could possibly climb up there would be Paul Bunyan. Sometimes there is no door. Sometimes there's a curtain, but for whatever reason, the bathroom is extremely windy. I don't know how a bathroom can get windy, but this one does.

I'll walk and walk and walk, and look in all of them, and need to go really badly, but I can't. And it's such a terrible feeling.

The worst part? I've had this dream over and over again.

It reminds me of Harry Potter, where Dumbledore needs a bathroom and the Room of Requirement provides him with a bounteous supply of chamber pots.

I don't need thousands of bathrooms. Just one working, clean, sanitary toilet (preferably one that automatically flushes) with plenty of double-ply, quilted toilet paper and a door with which to conceal myself.

Thank you.

I'm jealous of the middle-schoolers I work with. 

I covet their snacks at snack time. 

I do not have a snack time. If I want a snack, I have to provide for myself. Which is totally lame. College kids need a regular snack just like other kids do. What stinks is that there is always extra snacks left over in the cafeteria. Leftover chocolate milk, leftover rolls, leftover bananas, leftover cookies, leftover whatever.... Unfortunately, according to whatever legalese provides these snacks, nobody but the children is allowed to eat them, otherwise snack gets taken away.

I always bemoan the fact, and one time, I expressed a heartfelt desire for chocolate milk. That afternoon, one little kid (who will only converse in Spanish) heard me, and that afternoon, I found a chocolate milk carton sitting in front of me. I recognized it immediately as cafeteria contraband, and felt dangerous just poking it with a finger. (I have since been the recipient of additional cartons of mentor-banned chocolate milk.)

Should I have politely rejected the offer? Yes. Should I have returned the chocolate milk to the sweet little boy who only wanted to be helpful? Yes. Should I have urged him to quickly remove it from my sight and drink it? Yes.

Did I do these things?

No, I did not.

I opened it. 

I. 

Am.

A CRIMINAL!!!

the Gospel.

No matter how confusing everything else in/with 

life

love

school

work

family

friends

the Gospel

remains 

in

BEAUTIFUL SIMPLICITY

Because

what's not to understand about

Loving one another

Serving one another

Hoping for the best in yourself

Hoping for the best in others

and not just hoping either

but working too

because

it's NOT always EASY

to love

serve

and hope

but it makes sense

and it's worth it!

Because I think being

unhappy

unhelpful

unfaithful

and 

hopeless

is the most WORTHLESS and TIRING

not to mention CONFUSING thing

ever.

So wear yourself out in 

the Gospel.

It makes sense

and

You'll never be sorry.

So not fair.

And then another week you wake up, fully expecting it to be Tuesday morning, and lo and behold! you're actually waking up from your Friday afternoon nap? 

I kind of like that feeling. 

I like the feeling you get when your roommate makes you pancakes in the morning, just because.

I like the light-headed feeling you get because you can't get enough air because you've been laughing too hard.

I don't like the craziness you feel of missing someone because you woke up on a Friday and realized you hadn't seen him since Monday. 

But I like the feeling of knowing you like someone enough to miss him when he's not around.

I like the feeling of waking up toasty warm in the morning and knowing that your feet aren't clammy and cold.

I like the feeling of warm oatmeal and apples and milk in your mouth.

I like the feeling you get when you write a silly blog talking about all your feelings.

What are you feeling today?

Asleep.

Please help me!

I have two assignments due tomorrow

and I can't concentrate.

And life is confusing. In a good way. 

Mostly. 

But still confusing.

And weird.

Plus bizzare.

And also strange.

Like I said.

In a good way.

Almost entirely.

I think it's because

Almost everything makes me laugh.

I forgot to do an assignment today. Completely spaced it. It won't really affect my grade, but I'm just frustrated that I can't seem to keep on top of things. I'm stressed and distracted and my mind is totally fried. I've cried more in the last week than I have in the last three years combined, I think.

Taking four English classes is really taking a toll on my sanity.