And soon I'll be back in Malaysia and I have this slight feeling that I'm gonna be missing UK when I'm back in Malaysia..or more like the company of my friends in UK.

I'm definitely going to miss Seng and Liza that's for sure. Being one of my closest housemates I have who in many times have taken care of me and being true friends as well, I truly cherish the memories in this one year I've stayed with them.

I guess this is what living is about. Going from one phase to another.

Time just keeps on moving even if we want it not to. Bah..how did one year pass by so quickly?!

I am excited to go back to Malaysia but also sad to leave the UK. I hate having mixed emotions.

Anyway, Liza's birthday was great. We had a barbeque in the heavy rain. IT was an experience. Trying to set up the fire in heavy rain and winds...and still barbequing once it was all set up after a lot of tears. Hahaha.

I'm glad it all went well. Heading to Birmingham tomorrow to have some eating adventures and shopping prolly. I'm running low on cash. Pfft.

So, how does it feel when someone whom you hold to dearly likes your closest friend and the feelings are mutual?

Well, let's just say I never ever want to feel it again. Although so far I've felt it 3 times already.

And it hurts. Like crap.

But somehow, deep inside me, amidst the hurting, I am happy for them though I am sad for myself. It's been so long since I held some people so close.

Sometimes, I guess the best things are just the things that we never expected. Whoa. I just said something profound which I never knew I could say.

Take for instance, when we expect things out of people or out of circumstances, the only thing that occurs is pain, frustration and disappointments. When there's no expectations, there's no pain, frustration and disappointments. When things turn out the way you never expected them to be, well sure you might complain if it didn't go as what you expected, but we can never look into the future and see what good it might bring to us.

Amidst the times of crying over spilt milk, I guess the best thing to do is just take a cloth and clean up the mess and move on. Easier said then done.

I have no clue what I'm ranting about. Sometimes I wished things were different. Yes, I do wish things were different at times. You might say that I'm being ungrateful for what I have now but I'm not. I just wish certain things could be better than what it is now.

I look back and notice that these 2 years when I've been overseas, I've learnt so much that I feel like I've become somewhat bitter and jaded but somehow not as naive as I used to be. Sometimes I like it that way and sometimes I wish I was as naive as I was back then.

Sometimes I wish I had someone. Yes, everyone tells me maybe it's not my time yet or the right person is not within sight and I just keep on waiting. But sometimes waiting is the worst part in life. I don't want to sound impatient because I'm not. What I'm wondering is whether there's something wrong with me that keeps repelling people? Something that prevents people that I have feelings for to reciprocate them?

Well, sometimes I wouldn't blame them if it was because of my appearance. It's not that I lack confidence, but yes I have accepted the reality of how I look and my weight issues. Some people just don't have a clue how hard it is to have weight issues and think it's just fun to poke fun at people with weight issues. But sometimes, you will never know how it feels like till you've experienced it. Gaining 5 kgs when you weight 45-55 kg is not having weight issues. That is nothing compared to being picked on for your whole life because you look bigger than the others.

Well, if it's not because of my appearance, what else could it be? Could it be my character? My weaknesses which are clearly displayed at times? I'm only human. I am meant to have weaknesses.

It's not to say that I want a relationship now when I still feel unprepared for it. I'm just wondering. I guess I just haven't met the right girl, or maybe my expectations are too high. Or maybe I've had my chances but I just blew them off because I didn't realise it?

The worst feeling is realising that something could happen when it's all over and too late.

Bah.

Like I said, the best things in life always come unexpectedly. And I guess I just have to hold on to my own words because I am sure that the next best thing in my life will come unexpectedly as well.

I hope that I don't come across sounding desperate because I am not. Like I said, it's just a reflection. Don't read in between my lines.

:)

I'm glad in some sense my housemates are still staying till I leave in August. At least that way, I won't die of boredom.

I can't see why Shell is so inefficient. I called them twice in 2 days to ask about my status and they still haven't given me a reply. -_-" I am tempted to call them again now but that would just make it seem like I'm desperate. Anyway, I will give it a day before I call them again.

I think I've decided that I'm going to head on to a chemical engineering career ( I know it sounds so obvious..) but anyway, it just came to me that I am naturally more interested in chemical engineering than any other side of careers like management consulting or so forth. I don't want to let this degree go to waste as well as it was what I wanted to do since high school.

On a side note, this holiday has to be one of my healthiest holidays. I either hit the gym or play badminton and it's bout 3 times a week that I get my exercise. LOL. It's fun to some extent.

I'm gonna hit the sack. Too tired to go on. I just realised my family will be over here in 3 weeks time. OMG.

How do I know if I made the right choice or not? On one hand, my heart yearns to go back to Malaysia..a place I call home. On the other, if I get the job offer with Dow Corning as a process engineer here, I should take it..and I want to take it as well. I already have a job offer back home in Malaysia as well but with a non engineering related post.

Why? And I'm still going to be applying for jobs back in Malaysia. It's so tough. The heart wants to return but the logical thing if I want to build my career would be to work here. But if I work here, means the prospects of returning home would be nil within the next 5 years because if I do get a job here, I tend to see it all the way till I get chartered.

I hate it that I have to make such tough decisions regarding my future. However, the job with Dow Corning is not a guaranteed job yet. So, I'm still pending on different applications.

I need God to help me out now, thought at the present time I feel inadequate to ask for His help.

But somewhere in me knows that only He has the answer to my choices. Constant battle within the inside.

On a side note, this battle within is also due to the fact that there is nothing much to do now since I'm done with my degree. Bah. I wish somehow I could appreciate the western cultures a bit more. But being an asian and a conservative cultured person, I know that it would be very difficult to do so. -_-"

Anyway, totally random. I'm just gonna doze off for my sleep now since I'm heading to the gym tmr. :S Good night world...

So I went to collect my results today and the conversation with my tutor went somewhat like this:

Me: Hi Dr Chen.

Tutor: Hey. You did quite well this semester. *clicks on his computer to find my results*

Me: *stares at the computer screen while awaiting results*

Tutor: Here you are. You scored an average of 69.8 this year which is a significant improvement from last year.

Me: *shocked after looking at my own results but still at a dismay because it just means I got a 2:1*

*phone rings suddenly and tutor speaks to the phone and after that he puts down the phone*

Tutor: The office just told me that they are awarding you a first class.

Me: *Looks puzzled* Oh okay. What about my overall degree?

Tutor: Let's do some math. Take the 3 averages of your 3 years and sum them up and divide by 3. See, you've got a first.

Me: But I thought the breakdown was 20% for 2nd year, 40% for 3rd and 40% for 4th year?

Tutor: Oh is it?

Me: Yeah, that means I didn't get a first *looks disappointed*

Tutor: No not necessarily. See here *points at his results slips for all students* You got a 69 average which was at the borderline case. And the office just awarded you a first class.

Me: Are you sure? I thought they meant my 4th year average. *almost bout to burst out in tears*

Tutor: Yeah I think so. Let me call them to check.

*tutor calls but the lady just left the office*

Tutor: She's not in but if I'm not mistaken on the day of your graduation, you will be awarded with a certificate stating that you have obtained a first class honours.

Me: *bursting with joy on the inside already...* Thank you, Dr. Chen.

- All my sacrifices and effort finally gave fruit. I finally obtained it. And not to mention, I will never forget to thank God in all this, for without His help, I would never have obtained it.

So I got tagged by Soo Ann to do this. I was thinking hard whether I should write it, but what the hell, I'll just write it. Hahaha. So here it goes:

Warning: Rather long and emo/negative story ahead. Read if you want to.

I'll be writing about one of my previous crushes which was quite a painful but memorable experience to me, and it is one of the things I never like to talk about cos I just prefer to keep it in a box hidden in the past. It taught me many things and I think changed my personality quite a bit.

It started when I came over in the UK. I met this particular girl ( I shall not place names here but those of you who know me should know who it is). I just knew her from fresher's week and then from there on we exchanged msn contacts. After that, we started talking a lot ( I didn't like her then..) but after a lot of contact and as we got closer I started feeling something for her. She treated me really well and me being my naive self then thought it had other meanings. All my friends here knew about it and me being a shy person never said anything to her but just continued as usual although she dropped hints that she knew my feelings.

Then it happened when we went on a trip together with my friends, when things started going cold and she really distanced herself from me. I think that was one of my worst moments in life ever. I couldn't figure why she was distancing herself away from me. We attended the same church and all and this made me feel really awkward. When I was blaming myself entirely for what was happening, I didn't know that actually there was another story. Being that she didn't want people to think we were an item (which I didn't think we were even). Anyway, I stopped talking to her for 2-3 months and then it all happened again when she started talking to me. I still had some feelings for her I guess. But however I noticed that whenever she talked to me, she always wanted me to do something for her. And most of the time I felt inadequate and it was as if all the blame was on me.

Anyway, to cut the story short, the peak came when one of my friends was talking to her and accidentally told her that I liked her and she was talking to him saying that if I didn't speak up she would just brush it off. And obvious nicks came up like saying stuff like 'If you don't talk, things won't work out'. So I finally brushed my guts up and asked her out for dinner since it was her birthday. Had dinner with her and a walk along the park and I finally confessed. But she never told me her true feelings and whenever I asked her about it, she would just avoid it. I flew back to Malaysia the next day. And as months went by, she told me she'd keep in contact with me but no contact was kept. And everytime I tried to talk to her, it would have this awkward moment. So, I finally decided that if she didn't want to keep in touch, why should I bother? And after 3 months, she finally told me that she didn't think we could be anything because our personalities clashed. And I also realised it then after being frustrated like hell for the first month or so after I came back.

I learnt so many things from her that I think molded me into someone less naive, less shy and definitely someone who is wiser.

I think I was just really stupid to pursue something which wasn't right from the start. Although now we're on the terms of friends, but I find it hard to even talk to her properly.

The major thing I learnt is that you should never fall for someone until you've seen their true colours, and when you've finally seen them, you should take some time and think through it before pursuing the person. I obviously did not do that and was blinded through and through.

Anyway, the 5 people I'm going to tag would be....Evey, Ray, Grace, Tsuen and Yuen Leng! Hahaha..you don't have to do it if you don't want to..but it'd be great fun if you did.

Lately I've been feeling really empty.

I feel like my principles and views on morality is actually changing. It isn't good..but still.

Pfft. I can't stay here too long. I feel like I'm slowly changing in to someone which I don't want to be.

Anyway, that aside, my updates have been really slow and boring. I think not many people read my blog anymore, but anyhow this is sort of my journal so I write things here to help release some stress although there's not much stress lately.

It's been finalised (I hope) that I shall be flying back on the 2nd of August 2007. Reason being why I'm not too sure is that Qatar Airways is one unpredictable airline and having a ticket with them on a certain date and time doesn't mean you will be flying then.

Started to go to the gym more often since I made a bet with Seng and I seriously can't lose cos I need the money. Haha.-_-" I hope I have the determination to keep up with it.

Just realised that in 1 months time and a bit more, my whole family will be here. I need to start packing up and obtaining information about the places that we're going for holidays. I still haven't heard anything from Accenture yet at the moment.

My views have been challenged and I'm still considering which path to take. Should I take a chemical engineering path (which I'm still quite keen and passionate about) or should I take the job offer by Accenture which has nothing to do with engineering at all (at least in my field)? Sigh. Big crossroads in my life. Big decisions. I'm finally making my step into the working world soon which means tons more responsibilities. Adulthood is such a different thing.

On a different note, results are coming out next Thursday! OMG. I think I'm just going to be obtaining a Second Upper degree. Hrms..-_-" 4 years of my life just for one piece of expensive paper. Interesting. However, I guess that's just what it is.

Sigh. I think I'm going to stop. I'm having a major block and I need some sort of inspiration to continue writing on this blog.

Hrms.

I'm getting sick of moody people who can never seem to be stable and seem to be a pain in the arse when their moody. Especially if they are guys. Guys are NOT supposed to have mood swings. Even if u do, surpress it in you. I am literally reaching my limit with some people. When you think the mood swing was equally bad, it's worst when the mood swing guy treats girls differently. It's as if he's trying to please the girls and let them not see his bad side. Pfft.

And on the other hand, some airlines such as Qatar Airlines is being totally useless also which is causing me to be even more frustrated and impatient. I am just waiting for the day when I go down there into their office and give them a nice complain to get myself a place on a flight to go home within july-august. Really sick of their service which doesn't seem to care bout their economical class passengers.

On the other hand, I've been having many barbeques. Had one for my house last night (Saturday) and another one at Hseng's house in Beeston today. The amount of BBQ chicken wings...zzzzzzzz..

Currently awaiting a job offer from Accenture. I'm hoping that they give me a job offer. However some how this gut feeling is telling me that I didn't get it. Well, we'll see. But if I do get it, it's great. :)

I'm gonna be dead bored. Results are coming out in 2 weeks. Hahaha..talk bout sudden death huh..? LOL. People are leaving for Malaysia already while I'm still here. Maybe I should start packing for home. Hmmm.

Just realised that girls nowadays are becoming more and more dominant and bossy. What is happening to the world? Where are the men?! -_-"

Bah. That being said, I'm not being a good example myself. LOL.