clinging and movin on.

So freshman year is almost ending. It doesnt seem so long ago that i first saw the lights on campus, the cab pulling up outside Hamco and all of us surviving the harrowing flight from sg. Then all that crazy shopping at BBB and Ikea and the administrative hassle of forming "families" to sign up for phone plans. Then ISO and NSO, running to the river and wham, classes started proper. Met many new people (i emphasize, met and met only) took some interesting seminars, did not get much involved in ccas during the first sem. after having been always busy before in school, it was kind of like a total rejection, a protection mechanism kicking in. even then, much of first sem was spent studying into the morning, mostly for the 2 seminars that i got myself in...whoever said that Uni would be a breeze certainly lied. and the random weekly cookouts, restaurants and venturing into NYC and Boston.

Then there was the descent into winter, the cold and the gloom and the shortening days. and just like that term ended. winter break was very enjoyable. i quote, "doing nothing is highly underrated." plus i got to roam sanfran and the surrounding big schs for a bit. plus vin and bran came over to stay and becos of that i got to see more of philly instead of just uni city. this break was shortlived but a good one. and with its end, i lost my excuse of needing time to settle into a new environment. cant say anymore that im not being involved with cocurriculars becos im trying to find my place in philly, or im trying to explore more places in philly. seriously, there's only so many places we go to and it's probably good to see what else the sch has to offer.

So i got involved with the food mag, the ewb chapter and started going for PUCS stuffs. not to forget sing city 2. it helped that i only took on 1 seminar this sem but then again there's the bane that's math 240 :( nonetheless, it felt like a surprisingly short time before spring break when london came and di, kai, kel, wm and annabel were all there :) and this transited hard into a series of midterms and tests that spiralled out of control, with SingCity immediately after. Post-production euphoria, and all those songs and all those moments, bits and pieces captured in shots here and there, everyone everywhere. it was probably one of the most enjoyable moments so far. and it begs the question why.

10000 miles away from home, i find solace in a group representing home, away from home. perhaps i would have been better off at home or perhaps this is what i truly want to do. to do something, do it well, do it good and enjoy it, there's belief and passion. all those things that others do, just to make that piece of paper called a resume look good...would fall flatter than the paper if the work is torturous and unejoyable. ideally, each item on mine would be something that is filled with wonderful memories, not something that demonstrates A B C. to hell with what you want to see. it's for my viewing pleasure. i may not have much but each means alot.

so what have i really been learning in college? does learning capitalist economics help me better understand the capitalist world? yes. about eradicating poverty and the rest of the non-capitalist world? no. does reading about women's struggles and emerging homosexual communities change my world view? yes. about where such struggles lead to? i dont know. whether all the reactions that ive learnt are all that i need. yes and no. and therein lies the difficulty, to remain objective yet not ambivalent. and to know what i still want to do and maebe try doing. it's utterly mind boggling and despairing to know that only so few of the privileged take a step out against this capitalist system which slowly gnaws away at our very core. seeing some actions and reading the intentions, it's not exactly the most inspiring moments. in fact, i despise it.

im writing all these down as it comes, because this is the only way to remember, 30 years down. to remember how i felt at this point in life, looking back at what happened before, a chance for me to meet myself. i enjoyed today, dinner, bantering, chilling on the couch. heartfelt moments that are increasingly rare in a world full of wannabes.

is this accurate? ...

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

is it true that all such tests are designed to have positive stuff in it to make the testee feel at least not bad about himself? i wonder...