clinging and movin on.

I ENJOYED block leave but all good things must come to an end. And mine did prematurely yesterday, when i was called back for vehicle servicing. Nvm how gd Kbox on mond, nuaing at home on tues, imsum, simpsons and crazy elephant on wed were, it all ended with the msg on wed aft, "tmr come back by 12 noon to service veh. tell yhour drivers too." that was halfway thru dim sum and suddenly they all tasted like they had only just been thawed.

So despite all the dread, teddy and i registered for our BTT at SSDC on thurs morning. Despite many concerns on whether to go public or not, we just decided that heck, just get on with the theory first. practical can always wait...or can it? haha.

then i went back to camp for the dreaded servicing. had to break track and swop the inner sprockets with the outer ones, for BOTH sides. horror of horrors. So i did it. and towards the end, i managed to graze my broken finger against the teeth and poof, there goes 2 weeks of natural healing and everything under came gushing out like water behing a dam. and the MO at tengah said, due to the crushing laceration nature of the wound, i'd be permanently damaged. oh wells. now that OC has banned me from 2 mths of servicing, hopefully that wont happen again? perhaps thats the only gd thing from all this cos im now flu-and-feverish, no less thanks to the haze and exhaust and dirt and what not back in SGC. bummer* darn wallaby, giving us trouble that is really not our problem at all. im sure all us nsfs would have had our fair share but this is one time that i really think is not worth it cos we are damn proficient in the stuff alr and those in 41 shld come and practise their OM course modules!

Utterly cooped up at home today, thanks to oc again for excusing me from ARR. :S Been reading "ties that bind", the read! 2007 compilation. nicely showcases the intricacis of all human relationships under the sun. the kind that makes you reflect on yourself. definitely not for those who dislike long-winded discourse or cutting, poignant observations. but i need to improve my rapidly decaying chinese. am taking forever to plough through a 30-something page chinese short story in the book. argh. and i want to read the compendium of plays that mark was reading (and im holding u to my 40% discount). and mz recommends the alchemist. that should last all the way to ORD. okay there.

Block leave now. but im feeling truly bored...and broke. Camp's good, because there's always something to do and i dont have to pay for my meals but dreadful too, which we all know why. Humans, no those who live outside poverty, are hard to please. period.

Let's face it. Transition to CV....there's no such thing cos there's no return to the point of not knowing. This knowledge of evil eroded our innocence. We are in too long, too deep. No matter what we do, we'll always be tainted as such. Dont think that ORD is the end - Big Brother is omniscient. Time can only dilute, not dispel this darkness. But it's not all bad. At least i know how disgusting people can be. Not to mention names but they happen to be recalcitrant malingerers, who buy and extend MCs such that they spend what? 1/10 or even none of their time in camp. and who brandy "medical review" and "excuse everything(namely stay-in, footwear, limbs, sunlight, uniform, sweat and every part of the body u can think of) as a shield to deflect the onslaught of arrows that is part and parcel of life in camp. so that everyone else is shot except themselves. Compulsive liars who claim that they are too sick to endorse their MCs, only to be partying away into the wee hours of the morning and become fit as a fiddle when it serves their hedonistic interests. They blatantly disregard orders and rules, flagrantly flouting all of them, making everyone else look like big fools. Im sure that no one likes to be put under such regimentation so how come you cant sacrifice abit sometimes? why must we always give in to you? How self-absorbed is that? If it's possible, i hope that people like that can be locked away in some camp. forever. "it's horrible; i can't imagine forever."

I think my expenditure has spiralled out of control and that im plunging into debt. well not exactly debt but not enough savings. Must be more prudent from now on. hehe. The GSS is evil; boycott it. Which reminds me, i need a job urgently! can start in 4 months time. Recommendations, anyone?

Soemone give me something to do.

atec 2's finally over but not without alot of drama ard it though. shldnt have tried to pull the tow shackle while ramping up. big mistake. shld have just let the tow shackle be twisted instead of my index. OC says that my finger was picked from the trash. haha. and it was most traumatising for ks and me. bt it's not ur fault ok? i called you to ramp up.

so after 3 stitches (disclaimer: no bones, tendons or underlying structures were hurt in the process of filming) and something else that im not at liberty to say lest i get lihongi-ed(names have been changed to protect minors; who knows who's reading this), i went out for stage 2, much to hengq's relieve. Just ask joel, who was 39Z for 1 night. =P but i was very grateful for hengq's company for mission 1 at least. and downloading of rds. the 2 missions for our cbt tm were pretty hum-drum affairs and were quite different from what we were normally used to. well at least there was no opportunity to do naturally camou so im not complaining. but oc was definitely not at ease.

then just as we were about to roll up north for the last mission, my vehicle generator caught fire. erupted in flames lietrally. haha that was a first and i wasnt feeling too panicky. but i briefly imagined the vehicle going up in a spectacular show of fireworks. so after a series of events which i shall not bother to mention becos i have already narrated to 2 gps of 'investigators', i returned to camp a good 12-13 hrs before everyone else. Having no rush to dismount the mind-blowing amount of PE, TES, OVM, wpns, signals, optics and ammo, we finished everything by ~0430 hrs before proceeding to wash up and proceeded to the cookhouse for our first hot breakfast in 3 days. hehe. it was gd to be able to be spread across 2 beds and be the only one in the bunk, under the fan, knowing that i was safely ensconced by pillows and blankets while there was an ABG out there courageously and valiantly staging a magnificent show of force for the dedicated defence of our nation. :)

so sleep till 10 i did and then proceeded with the rest of the S&M routine. when everyone else returned and i was in admin, it felt as if i didnt really roll out with them. perhaps i just was not meant for this ex. but i was already exuberant as the pinnacle of yr 2 was over. ppl still ask why i volunteered to go and it's like...i trudged for so long and couldnt just turn away when i had my turn at the water point. now that only bothersome admin's left, i guess we can really take it easy.

am looking forward to DSD tmr. hopefully it'll be as gd as the last times that i caught them. pretty upset though that i couldnt get to watch HP 5 this wkend. spoilers are sure to abound back in camp. o h well.

Went to NDP `07 preview with eric today. i think the last time i went to NDP preview was in sec 4, with voodoo. quite a surprise back then, but what's done is done. it's the first time that NDP's held at the waterfront this year so i'd thot that it'd be worth watching. But...

The pre-parade segment was kinda hum-drum. The performers looked really tiny on the stage and the magnifications on-screen were not much better. If i couldnt really see from where i was sitting, i wonder what people at the ends of the gallery saw. the ripples on the bay maybe? and the hosts tried really hard to get the spirits up but then it wasnt going according to plan. maebe cos it's not the real thing or maebe it's just people like us. or just maebe it's a uniquely singaporean trait to be...inhibited. it's a public place after all and being typically asian, singaporeans are a pretty self-conscious lot dont you think?

The parade still needs a lot more work. The supporting contingents couldnt keep to the beat and the mark time looked really messy. Im not surprised since even the Air Force GOH contingent also had one person out of sync. Quoting eric, "bird-droppings!" surely the girl guides could march better than that.

And as a tribute to 40 years of gd ol' NS, there was a momentary glimpse into the operational prowess of each service of the armed forces, SPF and SCDF. 10 years ago (in P5 that is), i'd have been wowed beyond words. But having operated in one of those showcase pcs, i really cant say the same. or maebe 10 yrs is enough to feel jaded and sceptical / cynical. you choose.

Last but not least, the traditional mass display. truthfully i have never been a fan of mass displays but this yr's seems to be exceptionally corny. Especially so when you proclaim to be the elements of nature and when the beauty of water is exhorted beyond bearable limits. and it's well-known that we are a tiny island with no natural resources so how did we ever tap into the richness of nature? Exaggeration has got to have it's limits especially on National TV. other than the "cute starfish" (only so becos they are blur pri sch children and children will always be forgiven), a fiery number with prancing felines and fireslingers, and the sing-and-dance items by kit chan and taufik batisah (at least i thot it was him) the rest were lost on me.

I must say that the routine works of parachuting men and women, diving bombers, hovering choppers proved to be more of a visual spectacle than specially contrived war-of-the-worlds wannabes. The change in venue was refreshing, making good use of the soothing view of the bay hugging the CBD on the right and sheares bridge looming on the left. And more importantly it was much more cooling than at the national stadium. the water potential (no pun intended) was optimised, if not a bit overdone.
but generally i liked what i saw.

The fireworks display again never failed to seal the evening, this time even more spectacular than usual with the bright skyline of our CBD in the backdrop. Part of the fireworks were even seen going off on top of one of the skyscrapers. i wish that i could capture that particular space and time, every fleeting instant that didnt last and every pc of burning metal that eventually fizzled before hitting the ground. i wish that we can have fireworks every night. ST Eng shld invent 75mm and 30mm fireworks rds instead of higher firepower and lethality all the time.

A gd deal of effort must have been strained out of all involved but thankfully it's a month more till the actual day and the brains have that much more time to work on that which leaves much to be desired... hopefully the history of singapore will prove to be as gd as, if not better, than the previous years cos the ticket prices definitely increased. IF it were $18 each i'd have been able to get more ppl to go wouldnt i? hmm. no matter, im sure that i'll enjoy it. and i did try to share the love with other people. dont say that i didnt try.

These 2 weeks have been rather uneventful...like mundane. at least it's better than frantic rushes for nothing. Life's gd if you dont get calls every minute. :)

K Box was....rather expensive to say the least. but it was enjoyable while it lasted. but my larynx gave up pretty early. and a pity Ks had to leave so early n yb couldnt make it.... mz can sing pretty well, in contrast to ys' mumbling haha oops, i'll pretend that i dunno who's reading this. i wonder wad cs sounds like... and i am now convinced that my chi has gone with the wind. confused many trad. chi characters. haiz. but i liked the melancholic songs better than the sappy boy-meets-girl-girl-meets-boy-happy-together songs. more soulful? i dont know. but no one seemed interested in eng songs. ah well.

This post's kinda rushed cos it's 15 min before i mus leave the house. argh. prep for atec in the coming week hopefully there's less things to worry about this time round. and hopefully there's something to post abt next time.

I still havent got used to the fact that my cousin, 4 yrs older than me, has gotten married. Yesterday was the first time i was called Uncle, as in relative uncle. and somehow it made me feel really old and nostalgic all at once. Some time ago, i was like them, uninhibitedly expressing all my needs, wants, thoughts and fears and giggling at the slightest things. Childlike innocence i'd call it, that has simply but gone from me...or has it? and the adults would either pander to every whim OR give a certain disapproving stare. but they will be forgiven cos they are children. Grown-ups on the other hand are more self-conscious, inhibited by the need to maintain a modicum of decorum as they are seen to be more mature and hence charged with responsibilities. and we are expected to know how to react, or rather, act in certain situations, almost like a TYS to life. TCH! and i dont like that. It's stifling, unnatural, almost like living with Big Brother. or perhaps im just not a person to freely express myself - it's a curse.

Nevertheless i enjoyed the addition of jovis and jovan to the family. Ever since my aunt first died 10 years ago and my grandmother last yr, i've nvr felt like that again, such exuberance and carefree attitude. it's contagious, especially when they were recounting scenes from shrek 3 (which was a million times better than zodiac and i STILL REMEMBER, tyvM). Childlike innocence cant be gotten from many nowadays. When the toys that you play mean so much to you that you'd give a dollar to someone who'd fix it for you, even though a dollar probably means the world to you at a time when pocket money was given in coins or at most purple notes. and the most ironic part is that a dollar could be inconsequential to the adult that you are asking to fix the toy, for he could spend more trying to fix or replace it. and all that is represented by the colossal dollar.

jovis tried to imitate me eating ice and i thought i taught her the bad thing. jovan looked kinda crushed when i said i cant wear the shrek mask into camp, which i put on despite them squealing in fear that the rubber band may break. and jovan asked to come to my house, which i remembered doing too when i met someone that i liked and back then it was my cousins. It's refreshing, such really pure and innocent encounters, unlike the self-proclaimed jian hong-esque ones. but perhaps i havent seen the full story yet. same old cynicism kicking in. wadever.

Went to visit malarial andy yesterday, when i saw bottles of liquid bubbles on display at his shop. Right then i had the urge to pluck out those plastic tips and blow through them, visualising the many bubbles that would form. But propriety got the better of me and i placed back the bottle into its original position... it's been so long since i last blew or saw bubbles. and right after that a little boy walked past, leaving a rainbow bubble in his wake. i miss the bubble-blowing days. life was much simpler and i didnt have 1001 qns all the time. the bubbles break when disturbed, just as quickly and easily as they evolve from the plastic straws.

Zodiac gave pretty bad indigestion fell asleep twice (and i didnt do so in born into brothels, when i had watched pirates 3 earlier that day). I dont know why the reviewers gave it 4.5*s. personally, it wasnt even worth 2 stars. obssessive-compulsive behaviour, infecting both the cartoonist and the serial kliler didnt make for a riveting film. shld have persuaded everyone else to watch infamous...or shrek 3! it's all my fault....or rather the one who believed that 4.5 stars was worth watching, you know who you are stop acting blur! im not retarded, so shut it! =S

enjoyed the light-hearted moments in shrek, even though some themes were pretty much corny and trite but at least they are easier to relate to and real. Nice to relive fairy tales and to know what happens after happily-ever-after. All things nice, cute and cuddly makes such a good break for the "event should diplomacy and deterrence fail, to secure a swift and decisive victory." Cartoons and animations are DifferenT and it's not a waste of money to watch it in the cinema. period. mm, Ratatouille looks gd. Jus like movies, not any ol' animation's gd. for eg, look at "legend of the sea". i shall not bother to elaborate.

who wants to watch infamous? i think the run's ending....:(

After i did the MyORD package, ive come to realise that my NS unit will be different from everyone else. They'll be called back to service even while in the IHL stage while im rotting in faraway land. That basically means i'll be set back by 4 ICTs AND i'll have to know & work with new people...from scratch. and i hate it. not that i mind missing the creatures but then again creatures are the same whereever i go so i'd rather stick to the old ones. at least i have an inkling of what makes them tick....i'll miss all my fellow tamers. i hope i'll be put in the same NS unit. but judging from the absolutely abysmal MyORD, i can only be optimistically pessimistic at best. perhaps OC or S1 can do something abt that? but who am i kidding? we are merely gears in the grand design, which would not malfunction if some of it's parts get chipped or worn out.

Im not ready to leave 20 yrs behind and start elsewhere. i cant bring it all with me so what will i bring? I knew it'd come to this and still i went ahead with it. It'll be stupid to stop everything now cos the only thing between now and that is time. I dont want to come back and see someone from my past and feel the good many years that i missed. or perhaps i wont feel that way becos i'll have a gd 4 years out there. ask the trees which have been plucked from their nurseries and transplanted into our beautifully engineered roads and boulevards. would we really know how they feel? this is my crisis, i'll deal with it, like i always have. i want to do this but i dont know how. someone will tell me. but what, i dont know. someone will bestow me strength but they'll be leeched so dry that there wont be bones left. i feel bound by what has been and what will be. that's why now matters. and im not retarded, so shut it.

It was a short week. And yet there's so much unhappiness. especially when some try not do their jobs and pretend that no one will find out. like an ostrich. or try to escape from reality or cannot prioritise. when will i get out of such........swamps. and when i find out, i get depression. you read correct. d-e-p-r-e-s-s-i-o-n. and i start to think of evil things. :D and then i think of those who don't deserve it but they are really just a minority. 1-for-all and all-for-1.

some things and people just make my day but SOME things and people... cause it to sour just as quickly. i think im getting too emotional too easily. and it's not very good when ally mcbeal-esque situations start invading my mind. definitely not desirable but sometimes, that's what some people deserve, alright.

sometimes i wished i had a group of KOS-MOSes. so that i dont have to bother explaining or trying to enforce basic, routine stuff to reluctant, disillusioned, disgruntled, misguided, self-denying sloths who sleep their lives away. so that i can not suffer wide fluctuations in mental waves, hormonal levels and nervous impulses. i shall try to be more imprevious to such afflictions. but im human too. i can only try to be positive.

The world is full of love, warmth and everything good. all of it just eludes a particular corner of SGC. =)

Course has ended. This respite from the stifling reaches of coyline was indeed refreshing. and i enjoyed knowing the people that ive met from 41 and ati... dont think i'll have much chance of working or seeing them in the near future. oh wells, life is such a bitch. at least i still have those in coyline to torment haha wadever.

At World's End was so-so. perhaps that is becos i didnt catch both prequels, but at least i could make out the plot and the scenes were not too bad. aome parts were pretty witty too. Just couldnt understand why Becket(is that how we spell it?) didnt fire the cannons in the end.....THe same cant be said for born into brothels, where the footage was somewhat raw and rather disjoint. perhaps that's becos it's a documentary but still, i feel that it's highly overrated. i cant see how, after all zana had done to help the children get into boarding school, only 1 choose to remain and the other 2 choose to run away. and some were not even allowed to go. How utterly un-inspiring and down-lifting. Awareness it has raised, but along with it depression and pessimism more than inspiration and courage. i didnt get it. perhaps ive become...insensitive?

Next would be Infamous and Shrek 3. Failed to convince ppl to watch the former and the latter is yet to be released. Feeling absolutely bored between shows. need to occupy myself with something. life is somewhat...bland.

The last week in camp must have been the most relaxed for the last 7 months. Time flies when you are having fun. or should i say, when im a trainee cos everything has been planned nicely for me and the plan rarely changes. No need to worry about this that and all the other things in coy line. and i can relax after office hours, which is most of the time after dinner, save tests and night lectures. Though i do feel kinda bad that i cant help in certain things when im away....but i cant be sorry for all the evil in the world. HAA.

Cant take my eyes off You

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.

reminds me of a live performance by daniel waaaay back. :D Kinda summarises the past week for me hehe. but it wont be here to stay. ahwells. now im afraid i cant adjust back to hectic schedules. and stage 1 lurks at the back of my mind...

2nd lion specialist birthday for the month and probably the 2nd this year. all of us are young and naive and easily bullied. by creatures. that's for sure. HAHA. it's a love-hate relationship.

Priceless was a pretty witty show. first time i watched something in french and having only subtitles to rely on was pretty irksome, but i still enjoyed it. and i enjoyed having carl's jr with bernie, who among many other things, suggested that i extend ORD to go to wallaby with him. 1 more R&R. sounds not too bad. and that we should emphatise with the saf personnel in taiwan who had planes hurtling towards them. :( and i enjoyed walking around the shops at VIvo looking at all the things that i couldnt afford. and thankfully it was before "priceless". and i enjoyed having great porridge and tim sum at maxwell. and i enjoyed piquing mark's curiosity about something that he shouldnt really know but wants to know and getting him all peeved. but the night ended too shortly. should have just gone for a drink as suggested but i was too lazy and warm and whatnot. :(

i cant do all these tmr again becos i have to rtu and course starts on mon.... and no one will want to do these things on a book-in mothers' day. wadever. over-hyped commercial holidays. and L.C.HEW smsed me a mothers' day msg. i dont know what to say.

The last week has been absolutely...slack. range, recce, slack slack slack. and several clandestine ops at night. felt kinda bad leaving the "kids" behind but i've concluded that i shouldnt bother so much cos it's not worth it. but that has left my tired and groggy for many days. i endeavour to stay more alert and squeeze in more things during working hours.

the calm before the storm. listening to him rattle on and on about next 2 wk's program, im suddenly glad that im on course. cept that i have to come back at night for remedial...:(

and i mus remind myself not to bother changing duties for other people anymore, if they cannot find their own replacements. it's like im bringing it upon myself. eternal punishment - repent and atone for you sins. bribery makes the world go round. pt proven: 人之初，性本贱. absolutely abysmal. i hope history doesnt repeat itself.

Stunning revelations... All the best to the Big Cats next week(s). hehe.

tired. but anything beats camp. really.

i keep letting the slightest of things spoil my day. whatever. certain people should just vanish from the face of the earth.

sometimes, no matter how much i try, i am unable to get people to do things. "duty" has to be redefined; it is now an "incentivised" word. oh well. honour and obligations cannot withstand the onslaught of freedom and escapism. we live in a world where "...convictions crumble upon the slightest provocation." some people just make things look so simple. sometimes, i wish i didnt stick to some ideals and principles - everthing-and-anything-goes would be much easier. sometimes, i wish that emotions and relationships are not-existent - they are transient anyway.

im bored. i dont think there's that much admin to do tmr. need to look for more things to do.

Is it too much to demand that everyone be on time to go for breakfast together, do what they are supposed to do without reminders and not sleep whenever possible? if u have areas to clean from 0615 to 0730 and servicing at 0700, dont sleep from 0600 to 0650 and ONLY wake up then, when shouted at by the CDS, to do cleaning and forsake servicing. perhaps sleeping in on sat and sun would clear the mind.... I'm not asking for them to preempt what needs to be done (even thought that's a "nice to have"). Why cant we do things based on our own set of values and beliefs and not say, "others never do wad, we do for what?". Therefore, are YOU others, or are YOU, you? Why must we always let "others" restrict our actions? IS it so unreasonable to demand for routine which is supposed to be done daily? Is there a need to constantly remind people? No one will remind me to pay my bills on time! 2nd year, adults....indeed! stop making demands if you cannot fulfill your most basic duties. if that's the case, what can you do? be a burden? stop wasting the resources on this overtaxed Earth..... He was right, it IS hard to do what is right.

"Others" or "other people" are such VULGARITIES!

IF i can do better, why not? Is it becos there is no sense of ownership or pride? There's no need to do things for show but it's only for our own good that everything is serviceable and ready so that we can use them with ease whenever we want to. Why wouldn't anyone understand that? (speaking of which OC and PCs should be grateful for L VCs. Stepped into no. 63619 today, lo and behold, my foot was immersed in oily water boot deep. and the parking brake wasnt engaged. and the steering obviously was loose, hello VC / drv wad are YOU tHInking!?) does it require superhuman effort to remove the seats and clear the cage so that the vehicle and cage can be better swept and the materials can be PROPERLY COUNTED and examined? if i had to do everything again myself, why would i need to tell you what to do first? so that i can learn from your mistakes and not commit the same?!? i'll say if my instructions weren't clear but i dont believe that the power of expression of all 23 of us are EQUALLY bad!

area cleaing is for our own good. hygiene and health among other things like pleasantness and...morale. if u do it daily, there'd be no mad rush at the end of the wk, prior to going home. I am going to call you back on saturday someday, just you wait. we'll see how you like that. what am i to say when you choose sleep over hygiene and end up with millions of MCs and MAs? if i want to do something, i'd like it to be thorough. im not being fastidious, it's necessary. dont patronise me by CARESSING the window panes with newspaper!

like it or not, responsibility is thrusted on you the moment u entered this establishment. if not for others, then for yourself. as the driver, if i cannot look for you to do up your vehicle, then who do i look for? myself? if you'd like to shirk responsibility and rather stay up to fiddle with that convoluted console everyday, then dont bother asking for pay and rank increments when YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE OF IT ALL. the world isnt all about money! or maybe it is...im sure you cant last one week in my shoes! being without initiative and having to be reminded, pushed, shoved all the time...to think i was once in that rank. what a terrible insult. besmirching the name of all those with that rank!

if our term of service is just 2 years, and what we do is inconsequential, why dont you try getting charged? it's INCONSEQUENTIAL anyway. if you cannot do things right in these 2 years and these things can be done by ANY moron, what makes YOu think you can do ANYthing at all? stop demanding for more respect when you clearly dont know how to give it yourself. how about trying to EARN it? and stop running to places which you deem have more system but have actually LESS work cos that's what? slacking? i dont know. "oh, life has been miserable for me since i got posted here". Get a life! paradigm shift, change your mindset. well...we are HQ too, you know. your mates have been leading and coping perfectly well with "this kind of life" for the past year now so shuddup and deal with it. running away clearly throws the spotlight in your direction.

it has been a year since i first sworn that creed, "to ensure... discipline... AND ...mission readiness." Clearly, THEY are obstructing my path, for example, not filling their bottles before moving out! Clearly, someone didnt ensure. heh. But it is ok. i must do something about that, even if it means being branded a heretic. "I will overcome adversity, with my fighting spirit." i will definitely outlive and outlast YOU. like what certain buffoons used to say every dumb ol' water parade, "...with pride we roar....right the wrong...win the war!". lets see more of that, shall we?

It's been another long week... without janmeet too. Dont be too sorry dear, cos you volunteered to take on all the rest of HQ's duties. haha but there's no more for the rest of 4NTM!!! you can volunteer for future CDS duties.

Should have nvr understudied ammo ic. now i got to be tootsy ammo sorter when the rest went outfield this time. haiz. no wonder ppl say that it's not good to know too much - they'll just exploit you: Guard comd, ammo ic, pds, "help with this (and that)". wadever. but it doesnt seem as bad as when it was initially. maebe becos the work's more spread now. speaking of which i'd better get more involved in OM tasks. feeling very...inadequate now. on the other hand, am feeling rather accomplished at having filled in HQ's 235A and finding all the missing dates, sending emails and settling admin on all matters from promotions, birthday celebrations (talk abt welfare and morale), to the more mundane area cleaning and uniform accessories, convincing BSO to grant 24 OA access and complain about spoilt comps and monitors, planned next month's duty forecast -no, im not sorry at all for planning weekend duties cos i just did Saturday. HAH! better u than me, rite? someone remind me to include the G2IC / 3IC pts. forgot yesterday night or rather, this morning. long term VS adhoc, i ask for your understanding.

Speaking of duties, was guard comd this morning when i walked into the shed at abt 0244 hrs. Lo and behold, my sentry was sound asleep and feeling absolutely mischievious, i took the rifle and locked it in cupboard 2. Suspected they knew when i told the prowler to switch with the sentry at 0304 but no they didn want to approach me. They approached weijian first and only woke me at 0445 (45 min into my only bit of sleep, tyvm) when they still couldnt recover it. the people one blames when things go missing - BDO, BOS, all the COS, even poor ol' gan who wasnt even in camp, but could have cabbed into ulu pandan SGC to stun the rifle and go back! :D weijian said the tension was palpable when i declared that CSM would have to be informed of the matter. cruel i noe, but i had a hard time maintaining a poker face. Drama training paid off. not knowing how to end the whole affair, i jus returned the rifle and all returned to normal, as if nothing happened. oh well, i cant bear to make them sign 3 wkend confinements. but i earned myself a slave in the process. not a bad deal, haha.

after the recent spate of events, it is concluded that coy morale is non-existent. poor sy pls dun get too depressed. (i noe u'll be reading this sooner or later). perhaps that's the reason of the unusually early book out last friday. am absolutly proud that hq made it to the top of the list, even though they finished first, they still booked out the same time as those tankees(yes, your heard rite, those). just becos armskote was not cleared. haiz.sometimes it's hard to get around such things ya? i did everything in my control but was stumped by armskote clearance. clearly not a specialist's job.

Turbulent times ahead. wonder if things will turn for the better. motivating people has become the hottest topic of late. it's more or less aligning what you dun want with wad is required. Ms V would claim this to be an irony (A contradicts B, but this makes sense becos....). i guess certain people have failed to grasp this point, being swarmed with 1001 things to do and dealing with all the other things in life - family, cars and handling fledgling adults especially. To be fair, he really isnt that bad, jus demanding perhaps, and in the process, could have hurt others unintentionally. can be nice if he wants to too. so dun be too biased cos most of you guys havent seen the other side of him.

SO everyone just give and take a bit, reflect on ourselves. Dun tell me that all of us have been saints so far and have done all that is regimentally required of us. things like basic discipline, first parade, breakfast, area cleaning, listening to instructions, not exploiting loopholes in the system and demanding privileges. so all of us behave, the top gives adequat privileges and everything shld be fine again. BMT serves as the bedrock for the 2 yrs of NS life. returning to BMT days means forgetting your basics, so dun go all out to accuse us of circumscribing you guys. Ive always believed in "you give us what we want, we give your what you want." clearly what we and you want needs to be defined.

I guess for HQ specs, we jus want to be able to finish our daily workload and that is required of us. so we are more or less at peace. everything can be solved, come what may. HQ pls sort out problems within yourself. everyone does his bit and life would be much better i am telling you. see what happens when u listen to me? you are the first to book out. Perhaps we should just have 2 persons in 1 position. then it'd really be tough training balanced with welfare to provide a "positive" NS experience. not to mention names but someone fits the bill...

It's amazing how authors always try to align the reader with the protagonist. Nevermind the ethics and morals; we'd always be sympathetic towards those main characters and disdainful of the antagonists. I wonderif another author wrote the same story from the antagonist PoV, how evil would the protagonist be? But then not all protagonists are ethically "good". no matter. anyone knows of books whereby the author creates hate and disgust for the main character?

The protege was a good film, despite the chopped hand scene being a bit too gruesome. But it was good to watch, nicely put together. and raintree came up with it. time for everone to pay serious attention to local goods.

Sometimes, apathy is the best form of sympathy. Many situations arise when i know that nothing i say will make things alright. words of sympathy may come across as word of pity and im sure people would not relish coming across as weak and pathetic. keeping quiet and acknowledging with an imperceptive nod seems to be the best way to show sympathy, to give the bereaved some time and space to come to terms with loss. Even asking how one is feeling is simply stupid cos it's obvious that the feeling is lousy, and THAT could be an understatement. i know that this may come across as unfeeling, and ive tried it, but it certainly beats saying stupid things and not being able to extricate myself from it. All im saying that space should be given and work not piled back on immediately when the person reports back to work. I noe, cos ive been in those shoes and seen others in those shoes...

Jus a random thought...

And today concludes the annual ritual of visiting. This CNY doesn't seems to be the same as before. No wizened faces, gaunt hands and tufts of white hair sitting at the same table as us. No toothy smile, messy hair waiting in the flat. Somehow, the mood was different and it was palpable. Nobody had much to say.

What is the purpose of such festivities? As i was watching the celebratory program on TV yesterday night, i felt strangely detached and weird, as if what the ppl on screen were doing belonged to another dimension altogether. If CNY is a reason for people to come together, feast and make merry, then wouldnt we have wasted our gifts as human beings, with the distinctive capacity to feel and think, not to do it as and when there is a need? Are excuses being made to avoid get-togethers and merry-making just becos there is no public holiday and there's work to be done the very next day? Then havent we been forcing ourselves every CNY, christmas, Hari raya, deepavali, labour day, national day and what not? What happened to the purpose and meaning behind such festivities? The excessive nos. of countdowns in a fleeting period of 3 months, as some would call it, have diminised the meaning of such seasons, making them seem all the more frivolous. How many people are more concerned with the meaning of hongbaos rather than the grand total of this year's round of "visiting"?

This is the last year my eldest cousin would be getting hongbaos from the elders. It adds to the weirdness of it all, as very soon, there'd be an addition to the family. Who knows what that will be like but for now, I'll jus look forward to the wedding. It's hard to imagine, 17 yrs ago, that any one of us could get married. i used to think that my cousins and i would be best friends forever but time passes so fast and we have all walked down different paths in life. haha how naive. Now, i dont really know exactly what they are up to but the feeling of familiarity and warmth is still there, nonetheless. I guess they are the only links i have to my childhood, to the CNYs where everyone went to grandma's, when my aunt wasnt married, with spicy red curry (spicy probably becos i wasnt accustomed to eating chilli then), lots of traditional cookies, and lots of people - relatives who i did not managed to see until my grandma's funeral last november.

I really dont see myself being married in say the next 10 maebe 15 years but i wish i wont be spending festivals alone, in a rented flat, watching TV and listening to radio. I want to have children without having to go through their childhood but that's really just selfish of me. perhaps all i want is someone to listen. or perhaps i just want to be left alone, not caught up in the superficial-ness and artificiality of it all.

Voyager concluded without a bang. or rather, it was a pretty pointless exercise. and i havent felt more relieved to go back to coyline since BMT fieldcamp.

This new year is feeling pretty different. I guess it's jus different with less people around...and ppl ard me are getting pretty lousy news about their loved ones, accidents... fortunately eugene's not harmful in any way. is it jus nature's way of dealing with the booming global population? it's a black period indeed. cant imagined being bumped off just like that. The frailty of life never seemed more real..

Been having weird thoughts about the fish in the supermarket. What did its eyes look like when it was alive? why is its mouth open? I thought i saw it jump at me....and images of it served on platters on the dining table were conjured out of nowhere, becoming images of body parts served on tables. freaky. do vegans think of such things? they think such therefore they are such? i dunno... but it's not as if im becoming vegan anytime soon. brrrr..

It's hard to be close yet objective. No one said it was going to be easy, who am i kidding?

School was fulfilling simply becos of the people, who have goals, who have drive and aspirations. It was easier with friends and peers who have things in common. It's more difficult when you only have colleagues, subordinates and superiors, even acquaintences who may or may not see eye to eye, who have no pride whatsoever in their work and treat it like menial chores which could potentially give more trouble. Somehow, there's a void that i no longer know how to fill. and perhaps that's why weekends are precious to everyone.

When people just couldnt be bothered and are not motivated, it's not difficult to see how they can affect others similarly. since we are all in such dire situations, why can't people just be more cooperative and make things more bearable for everyone, instead of choosing the easy way out and burdening everyone else in the process? I sure cant impose my will on everyone but im trying my best not to let these things bog me down. it's so prevalent that it's just overwhelming. like a plague. and how in the world is a positive experience going to be created like that? "Service" is a big word. Pair it with "National" and it's a lofty ideal. if service is "to give...and expect nothing in return" then i guess NS has failed in more ways than one. and it's not the system but the people who make up the system, who always clamour for more things in return for services rendered, who exploit loopholes, who are obnoxious, anal-retentive draconian martinets. if materialism and instant gratification are the labels of our genration, then the system is doomed to fail. the tides have changed and the emphasis is different. we are not our parents and perhaps the changes in the system are just not keeping pace with changes in society. or maebe it's just traditionalists who just oppose the changes. like old fogeys who refuse to pass it on. haha!

i wish....that i could hypnotise everyone or become the matrix. perhaps this is just a taste of wad's to come after NS. human interaction just proves to be so... nvm. i shall be positive. im sure. heh and i just want to pass ATP this wed. so that i'll be free of the yokes of live range!

As everything draws to a close, i dont see in any way how i have benefitted from the event other than learning some flag signals from OC, which can be done anytime any day in camp. dohh...
and at this very moment, there's another group of guys who have just checked in at tekong and are prolly enjoying hte monsoon rains these few days...or is it weeks?

We are happy now to get day off for a job well done, but i wonder if it's us 10 yrs down the road and our boss tells us to go take some days off for a job well done, will we still be as happy?

Things have been rather uneventful, save for the potentially home wrecking and AWOL cases. everything should sort itself out in the end, shouldnt worry too much about things that are beyong me control.

Looking forward to a new year? i dun noe.

1 yr in NS. if i had a choice i'd have gone for pes C that day when i went to CMPB. life in cbt vocation sucks, period. work and work like shit and we get more...you noe. when will standby, atec and wad not be over? can i be posted to like S1 instead? somebody save me...

New Year's DAY! and csm has to sms me for book in timing. AND PS jackson had to call janmeet for him toget a DRV back in camp. and i still haven packed my standby field pack and not updated the red booklets and not planned (SECRET). and so many ppl are still changing duties like it is free. Why is my world so much of taking and so little of giving. but still, i enjoyed New Year stayover at wm's even though i fell asleep. and breakfast at amk and checking out fairprice extra. and steamboat dinner at home! :D and there's a meeting tmr with brent bob rich and di. haha i jus hope i dun get swarmed with (SECRET) shit when i go back to camp tmr. hopefully the cos has alr done up the keypress and stuff. all tt's left should be the maps and lesson plans. sigh and that IS quite a bit alr...

lessee...xmas eve's eve at jk's house was rather enjoyable even though i haven seen them for ages. nostalgia perhaps but still it was good to see that everyone was still alive and very much kicking. xmas day itself went to the rice table with bern and Heng BUT darned water convulvulus that only i had cos the former found it too spicy and the latter simply didnt indulge in it gave me quite a terrible case of food poisoning. (i think) and 26 27 were horrible days trying to prep for ntm with that debilitating illness. last few days before NY was one of the most irritating days, cos there was just so much to do. but when was there ever nothing to do. haiz and im getting bad vibes from ALL the PSs. irritating regulars. wad will i see when the new PCs come? hehe.

2006 was a rather interesting year, in many ways thanks to NS. threshold for ALOT of things went up, to the extent that I can tolerate some of the things that my saintjohn cadets do in camp. hmm and im not too particular abt dirt anymore, as long as it's not too dirty. all in all it was very much a year of revelations and self-discovery. surprise surprise, but i guess the journey has yet to come to an end. hmm and i lost both grandmas, one after the other. i always knew these times would come but never like that. one was sudden, engulfed in raging flames. the other, i knew it was coming all along. it has become very hard indeed for me to feel. perhaps that's why christu and ruthu said im rude / cynical / apathetic (whatever) on saturday. but im guessing work (4million singaporeans' worth of shit load) has a more than significant part to play in it. and once i panicked so much that i almost cried and broke down - seldom did it happened in school, like twice in 18 years!... when will i ever get to ORD!??!?

Resolutions - more like a xmas wish list (in chronological order):

Breeze thru audits (for the offs )
Pass SOC, IPPT - silver at least. (so no RT)
Do well for ATEC (for the offs too! DUH wad were u thinking?)
Know my platoon better, including those non-effective ones (and get them to work)
ORD safely! (no DBs, no charges, no extras)
Get a driving license.
Travel (Spain greece athens europe Japan korea taiwan? definitely not msia and thailand)
pick up an instrument?
refresh my 3rd language
be nicer to my fanily and frends. this includes being less cynical and whatnot but im guessing this is pretty difficult. soc ippt can train but changing from the inside out - that requires more than a catalyst - fat hope! ha!

Finally had ONE day of leave today, but still, it was blemished with calls from the office, ranging from PTEs to CSM to OC. how positively irritating, especially when i had to deal with things that i had no interest whatsoever in dealing. It's about time people stop taking us for granted. FYI stop waltzing into the office and expect me to wave away all your troubles or produce something out of thin air. and i cannot possibly come up with with names at the last moment 1-2 hrs before sleeping time, when u have a test to conduct the very next day. stupid me will just do without complains and in the end i am the one who suffers. haiz why is all this happening? is it purely a lack of priorities and poor time management or am i being abused? im really burnt beyond recognition. i need a life and need to learn to be "no-can-do". i dunnoe perhaps next time i should set deadlines. so busy everyday until i barely have time for my platoon and PC is making noise that we are being too soft on them. we shall we by this wk...hehe. not that being unable to concentrate on matters outside the armoury makes life any easier for us. and my platoon has SO many lazy bums it's really difficult to ensure that instructions are carried out. perhaps PC is rite. better not blog too much abt NS or i'll be defying CRO / BRO.

meeting up with amos today was very enjoyable. reminded me of, in retrospect, good old times in JC. i miss alot of people but somehow, work and time just causes that longing to fade eh? jaded and fatigued maybe... he witnessed firsthand how i am irritated by my unit life. sorry that he had to witness that. somehow blemised our little rendezvous haha. and lunch with wx ps and matt was pretty gd, albeit a little expensive. the pork was good and the veggies and mushrooms were nice! how did they every know of such a place beats me, really. but i really relished the leave today. no more leave or wadsoever till god knows when. hmm and training is really high key over the next 2 mths. better not go into details. ask me if u must.

Another year has passed. People and things come and go as if they were never there. oh well. Much as i hate to admit, NS does have certain benefits, but i'll not bother elaborating. Still, unit life is not as gd as what the instructors said. And i still cant wait to get out of that place. it jus gets worse until the ORD draws near. haiz. many things that im not happy about but what can i do but try to get around it. one of these days janmeet and i should jus go on strike and let those people who take us for granted try doing our jobs; it's so easy i bet the kids in kindergarten could do it. someone teach me how to deal with top bottom and those around me...

Outfield is both most relaxing and taxing. relaxing in the sense that i do not have to deal with the neverending admin. taxing becos i have to be ultra proficient in everything and control with an iron fist - traits which are definitely not me. not to mention fatigue, i (and im sure 99.9% of the other specs) had no clue whatsoever on what was going on. delay = trading space for time. easy to say but the steps behind it is rather complicated for me simple mind. i guess the gd thing abt outfield is that i no longer have to perform dismounted roles, but then there's natural camo to worry abt, drats...

I think im at a pt which will determine whether i can maaage the platoon in the future. jus last friday after turn-ops parade (most mortifying moment in my NS life), someone left the Coax in the lobby and went to sleep. claimed that someone else would look after. wth. isnt it always the case that u clean and send in the arms? nvm that the weapon was STILL dirty, he must have been very responsible to leave things like that lying ard. and now doh wants him to be confined. what to do? what to do? i guess a little talk after RO is the order of the day... and we are on standby this week, omg what will i do if they go do something stupid? someone save me...

Been a really hectic week. still trying to find a balance btw managing ppl, doing work and maintaining vehicle. not to mention to get a gd feel of my superiors. but i dun feel as overwhelmed as before so maebe tt's a gd thing but perhaps it's jus the calm before the storm. sick and tired of 20 hr shifts that i have to keep everyday. hopefully my new clerks get appointed soon then we can train them to do some of the work for us.

What the SAF classify as 'men' are really strange. they can range from the motivated to the uninterested. pretty good to you at times and really nasty the next instant. really look forward to working with them. is this what ppl refer to as NS exposes u to ppl from different stratas of society? hmm..unintentionally made a rather stereotypical comment and i think it offended one of them...it was really really not meant to insult him but...i guess that im not that impervious to social conditioning. really still feel quite bad abt it. oh well, shall be more conscious abt it in the future.

One of my coy PCs said that officers never have low morale, and we all know that it cannot be further from the truth. looking at how the tank PC ran the show for Bn zeroing on fri. made my heart bleed for him. detailing too, cos each coy wanted their own way of doing things. absolutely no respect for conducting coy. tsktsk. seems like we are still far from being anything haha. for those who are commissioning soon, esp the AOCC, 42 is waiting for you, right in the middle of standby!!! and all eyes will be on you. HAH! :)

specialists are somewhere in between, a chameleon of sorts that changes to fit the situation that suits them best. officers around? let them deal with it or do the right thing. extras dont go down well with many of us. no one looking? jus dun get caught. i guess it's something that's prevalent in not only the saf but many other places as well. disillusioned and perhaps cynical, what can we possilby do with this kind of attitude. but it seems to serve the current system well and i guess it'll be status quo until the next big thing comes along.

bored.

My first day outfield was fantastically sad. Crushed a CVC wire which most prolly requires a statement if i manage to escape 1206. had lotsa fun charging, stripping and assembling the MK 44. most of this was done under the supervision of OC, who probably thinks that im pretty hopeless by now, considering that i cant charge the rounds too well and crushed the damn CVC. heard he's v demanding, how can i go outfield like that? mor training is definitely the order of the day. and i forgot to settle some administrative procedures before booking out. thankfully jian an is the COS today or i'd prolly have to pay dearly. and i still haven got my cupboard yet. hope i dun get evicted from my bunk cos im kinda settled there. strange. settling in is nvr easy.

Went to Ubin today, and ive not been there before. changi village is a nice place, shld spend some time exploring thhe area next time. was a bit reluctant at first but the bumboat ride was surprisingly refreshing. it was fun to see the waves and the silhouette of the islands in the distance, like in FFIX. got to cycle round the island, and thankfully clumsy me didnt fall off the bike despite not having cycled for a long time. the place felt very peaceful and tranquil but there were tooo many visitors, mainly foreigners, crowding the place. but it felt nothing like mainland singapore. simply amazing. thankfully the authorities didnt develop high rise buildings over there. hehe. rushing this entry cos i have to go book in. IRRITATING>..

42 SAR lion coy OCVC. doesnt sound too bad other than the fact that it's not HQ coy but rather HQ plt. so most of my work will come from HQ coy. irritating. at least one of the drivers is wai lreng and perhaps they will jus switch him to become OC's driver. yay.... now that we are in different companies it's jus got a little sad, after all it's 20 weeks. dun really noe the course 2 ppl yet and the tankees are always sticking together in threes. wonderful threesomes. we may be in the same unit and camp, blahblahblah but being me, i dun noe. hehe. life's always like that isnt it.

I am feeling so jaded with life, with NS. there's really NOTHING to look forward to anymore, no excitement in life. absolut monotony. perhaps it's time to do a 180-flip and try something new.

I have been posted to 42 SAR, finally as a specialist... horror of horrors. but this week has been pretty good actually, compared to the guys in 41, who have been washing toilets and setting BMR for a new veh commissioning. hmm. and they have disgusting fast marches planned for next week. still, im completely envious of kenneth and yen chin who got into S3. hope i can go to be asst ops spec too. sighz* so i have to appreciate the 3 runs that i went for this wk, with 3 nights out and nothing to do at all on fri(actually since 1530 on thurs). hooray. and next wk im going to suffer a premature demise at the SOC grounds or ippt route. how am i possibly going to attempt any of these when i have not been training at all for how long? i cant remember. so much for training prevents sports injuries. certainly BUC is more impt than HR. oh well. and i miss the ppl who got sent to 41 alr. this is not happening but yeah i thot the period in aisl was a pretty good time albeit a little too long. i am very daunted and a little excited at what is going to happen. like how im going to fail all my SOCs and have men under me. haha what exactly is happening...hmm

Singapore Dreaming was fantastic. and i agree that the actresses were fabulous but the actors could have their roles more developed. lim yu beng was more of fretting over breadnbutter than over the apparent mid-life crisis. richard low came to an early demise and the son called seng(cant remember his name) only truly became a wastrel towards the end of the show. it was clearly much better than any of the local productions that we have seen so far. ok perhaps im biased against the other films (or not seen all of them) but this one was full of local flavour.

All the sights and sounds of everything that we take for granted: the activity at the kopitiams and along the MRT stations, and in the stressful workplace. Everything was depicted exactly as we see it in real life and it is just amazing to know that things so ordinary could lend the movie such authenticity. It was and even replete with all the correct social bias - the family, gender discrimination, sibling rivalry, elitism in school and society, the rat race and the 5 'C's, the concept of 'face', how we treat our maids and other people, mid-life crises and the list goes on. The only gripe i have abt the show is how pathetic every character is and how coincidentally are part of this woe-ridden family. Everyone is laden with so much responsibility and holds so much anticpation, which often turns into disappointment and even despair as a whole slew of lies and ugly truths get exposed with the loss of a loved one. Do we want our lives to be like that? Even though there was minimal involvment of the other races (i guess it would be too contrived and NE to make it multi-racial), it still turned out to be a very poignant piece of work that im sure many can easily relate to. it's almost as if we are watching our lives go on in a movie.

Which group do we belong to - the one that sells out their dreams for bread and butter or the one that does something they dislike in order to finance their dreams? If the portrayal of the characters in the show is true of the average singaporean, then i must count my lucky stars. perhaps it's the tried-and-tested system of success that we are forcing on the next generation that is responsible for the sterile reputation that we have as a nation. what would it be like if everyone is allowed and even encouraged to puruse their dreams and not forced to conform to a one-size-fits-all system? Then perhaps we'd have more world-class musicians, designers, sportsmen and artistes and become a truly global city. and what exactly is the opportunity cost for that?

Tmr im going back for my posting order. im going to miss alot of ppl in the course. roc has made me see appreciate each and everyone's presence. and even as much as i dun want to leave ati, i guess my chances there are close to zero. hopefully i get to be int. or ops. spec but it's like one in a million. AISL Dreaming, anyone?

Taiwan has fantastic atmosphere, esp where there are alot of people, hawkers and unique shops. and the clothes are pretty nice, quite different from what we have here. Even though the streets were cramped and reminded me of JB and bins were not much in sight, the air was tingling with life! It's almost like what we see on TV or movies: music blending into noise and big bright florescent signboards, just tt this time, there was the overpowering fumes of exhaust and human waste. The only regret i have is not trying out more of the local delicacies and getting more foodstuff back. kinda miserable if u ask me. and i didnt get to go to danshui. and i didnt really like the themed parks cos those really felt artificial. yeliu, on the other hand, was so much better, even though i thot the beachline was pretty small, but it was rather picturesque. oh well, i shld definitely visit it one more time. I also got to experience squalid living conditions much like squatter settlements. and we had to battle temperature variations on top of mental and physical exhaustion. but i guess it's nothing compared to wad andy's lot had to go thru. shall stop here before i give too much info or ppl think that taipei is not worth visiting. dun want you-know-who to come knocking on my door eh.

One more wk to passing out. i really wish to stay in the sch but what are my chances? Being a unit 3SG isnt exactly a big deal, is it? one wk ahead before an eternity of misery.

about 7 hrs more till i have to report to the airport. really really dun want to embark on this trip. am jus not mentally prepared to do SBC and live firing all over again. so wad if we can fire AP rounds that we cant do here? dun be too fascinated with all the killing machines, i'd say. and we are going to live like taiwanese soldiers oh yeah haha. cramped bunks, beautiful bathhouses and distant cookhouses. yay, i really cant wait to see it for myself. This is like the finale of the course but i am not looking forward to it. i wonder why. perhaps it's becos after this, we are really on our own. everyone thinks that passing out and becoming a 3sg soon is a big deal, but what abt all the additional responsibilities tt we'd have to bear? so far weve all been trainees and noone gives 2 hoots abt alot of things. i have a feeling many of us are going to learn the hard way, looking at how we are handling our military lives. and i wish my pc wont be so set on seeing me in a unit. i'd much prefer to stay in ATI, wadever the reason. sometimes, life cant get any worse. oh well, i shall try to look forward to RnR. People have been saying that im pessimistic, but im really jus trying to place things in perspective and come to terms with them. hmmm

This week's been really short and we had a nights out on mon, at fish&co and it was veryvery mortifying!(i wonder if low finally got that highly coveted email add). and the past few have been rather slack. Learning days was quite a flop. someone shld have recced the venue early in the morning and not leavee it ot 45 min before the event to realise that the aircon wasnt working. seriously, wad was he thinking? i guess this is wad happens when we take things for granted huh. really dont feel like going to taiwan alr...i have a feeling it's not going to be as easy as KOH says.

there's really nothing to do when ur unit is haveing an off day while everyone else is in camp. and it's the sch holidays now. bummer

Why is it that some things donch seem to matter as much until they happen to you?

Left diana's yesterday too early. bulk of the crowd wasnt even there yet. hmm. kinda disappointing but wad to do? there's only so much i can do with so little time. And weiming's was short-lived too, thanks to AHM / SBR today. oh well but at least it was still enjoyable. really want to go back and see wad cathigh has become but stupid course wont end till early oct. long way to go, esp when the 40th BSLC ppl are going to be sgts like 3 wks aft we pass out. bummer. 3 mth gap becomes 1 mth............

SBR today was rather enjoyable actually, had it not been for the rain. kelvin HAD TO run 10 km so we got totally drenched after the 7km mark. if we had done 6, we'd prolly be dry and thankful under the milo umbrellas like nicholas and cheesiong. What i REALLY dun understand is why bother herding all non-competitive runners together towards the end pt? makes things SOOOOo frustrating when the queue is slow-moving and im really hot(ok soaked) and tired. they should have jus made it more open. and we couldnt leave rite aft we came back, which made matters worse cos we were jus huddling under the milo umbrellas or standing outside those, a small dot in a sea of green padang. helplessness abounds.

Still have to book in tonight. and bobby said that tmr is a SAF-wide off-day. wadever happened to us? as usual all our offs wad not got taken away! snatched! robbeD! and being on course is NOT an excuse. sometimes they are jus out to get us. btu at least i get to skip all of this week's SOC. hehe

Went back for PastVSPresent in NJ today. It was pretty much a flop but it was gooood to see my ex-gpmates and council friends. It's like everyone represented a fragment of a memory, waiting to be relived. Alas, moments can never be relived - somehow, something will be different. It's not fair to our memories to try and recreate it. Love 'em. hate 'em. I think the most pathetic thing is to be apathetic. Good + Bad + what my mind chose to remember = me. The i-couldnt-be-bothered mentality jus means a life lived for nothing, wasted.

And i met 2 gps of friends for lunch and dinner. It felt wonderful to be able to satisfy my cravings and hunger and to know that people are moving on with their lives at the same time. Hall life, prelims, promos, PW. and yes, NS. The things that are yet to be seem so exciting and those that have passed simply hold many beautiful memories. what would i do without them? maebe i'll jus be another product of a sterile, and indifferent mechanism.

It's been 7 mths since i left NJ and ppl are already going to university. It's all so exciting and so saddd at the same time. Stuck in NS, on course somemore, that's sad. but no matter. somehow, i've got past 7 mths - hopefully it'll get better. If only i could erase all acts and thoughts of aggression from the world. with an eraser.

Basic Main range was quite slack actually, save being part of ammo party. Hated the noise from the main gun and MGs. Guess i'll nvr like live firing at all. it's too violent and im jus meek ol' me. and it's not easy identifying targets. SGT andrew got scolded by KOH cos apparently i was shooting at the Left limit at night. when the dntss couldnt even tell tt it was the left limit!

am currently displeased with another KOH. all the kohs are mean, mean boys! robbed us of our half day AND wanted to put the other half on the day before we leave for ROC. when it's supposed to be there already anyway. bunch of cheats and liars. personal time is especially important to NSFs. how dare u snatch it away just like that?! a million and one things i could say but shall stop here for now.

Outfield on fri was tough. maebe becos i haven been outfield for a long time. and the BX 25 is really stuffy and hot, even with the fans on. Hopefully i can go thru next wk's laggering peacefully. and pass the SBC. why are there stupid and weird requirements to pass course? as if staying in and burning weekends for the course shows not enough determination and committment for us to pass. they just want to make things difficult, SOC, IPPT and what not. 3 days of R&R in ROC cannot compensate for 3 weekends burnt too. :(

My WPN got pilfered when i was mounting OVM onto the vehicle. and it's not even mine, it's a spare one, which was parked so far away. had the orignial been there it wouldnt have happened cos EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING THE SAME THING AS WE DID. and i shld have jus let them take away the other 4 weapons, silly me. thankfully, the book out was late and the confinement ended eaRly. so early that we had to wake the DO.

Start of sch is always so exciting. even though im not attending, knowing from friends who have attended orientation make me want to go SO much. i miss schooling AND the perks of being a student. at least there's more freedom out there. and the environment is more friendly. i guess i'll nvr be able to leave sch behind completely. I have a feeling working life is not v diff from NS. :(

Saw grandma at CGH today. mymy was she thin. 28.5 kg. how to weigh so little. and apparently it's an increase alr, from 23. haiz. kinda resigned to see her bony arms wrestling around in restlessness. at least she can still reply in teochew. have and never will understand dialect me think. completely foreign at times, and somehow other things i can make out. weirdness.

oh and plans to blow up planes midair have been foiled. it's great really as it has meant we have stopped loss of innocent lives. But the aftermath is that travelling has now become a chore. even the most innocuous SAF water bottle cannot be brought on board, for fear of containing highly explosive liquids. the next thing we know suicide bombers will swallow 2 thin bags of reactive chemicals and wait till the plane is cruising through the clouds before jumpin in mid air, allowing the bags to burst and blow themselves and the plane up. flying will never be the same again. not that i'd prefer to be blown up but doesnt this deprivation of our little material comforts just mean a victory for the Osamas of the world? somehow ive the feeling that theyve won either way. maebe im jus being stupid here but it is their aim to disrupt the flow of things in the world and inspire fear in innocent people right? I've jus gotten more paranoid than ever! some people will never understand the sanctity of life.

i jus love and hate my section. it's complicated.

been some time since i blogged. needed to come to terms with reality and have closure for some things. the past wk was really slack in ATI so it was rather relaxed. i also booked out for my award ceremony at MacRitchie Reservoir. the setting sun amidst rippling waters and luxuriant greenery was such a great view (compared to dusty vehicle sheds and dilapidated buildings). why cant training always be like that. now that SOC's coming up, everything's gonna change. and STUPID STUPID potassium hydroxide wants us to retake IPPT. i feel penalised for trying my best.

watched lake house with wx yest and met mos for dinner at er this rip-off at food republic. it was...relaxing and i enjoyed both sessions. it feels like i have not done alot of things for a long time. i hope my off-in-lieu will be put to gd use the coming mon. maebe i shld visit NJ and CHS. now tt national day's coming up there seems to be a hive of activity everywhere. with so many ppl involved in prep for tt, im apparently v free ard here. until those ppl get reimbursed with their offs that is.

been blog-surfing for these 2 days and surprisingly, i found a lot of angst and disillusionment. hmm maebe it's that time of the yr again, where things do not go as expected. but we've all been thru it so it's our juniors' turn this time rd. an endless(vicious?) cycle perhaps but once again they'll all pull thru' and it'll not seem like a big deal after all. to all JC2s, perservere and it will all pay off. dare to dream and not let others judgment bring u down, cos "who are (they) to judge you?".

and the next thing i know, im gonna let NS bring me down again. oh the irony.

2 weeks of stayign at SGC is NOT GOOD for the soul, body and mind. walter got a tad too cranky. have been having cravings for food again lately but then wad's new. Cookhouse good has reached an all time low - it was so much better at sispec and BMT la. oh well. and vocation training is coming to an end, which will rouse the demons of STW from their slp. No more sergeant Linus! and bernard was haranguing him to recommend us to be instructors, which is clearly a musT! but then all he had was a sheepish smile and "it all depends on ur PC" kinda mantra. oh well, Godbless trainees! and SOC training doesnt look appetising in one bit, not when we have to carry extra load when the whole idea of SOC is to cross obstacles, which are fairly lethal.

That's enough of rambling for now. but it's all i felt in the past week. I have successfully completed my transformation into a zombie!

It's 6 h 17min away from book in. Book in has never been a pleasant experience for me but being posted to SGC jus made it worse. At least SisPEc and tekong had transport to and from camp. here it's tucked away in some uber ulu corner that i dunno if it's still considered part of singapore. Even the cemeteries are more accessible! As if that is not enough, we go in to be verbally AND physically abused by our instructors.

Since BMT, I've heard enough of my commanders comparing again and again my platoon with previous batches that they have taken. Once again A levels vs Poly blah blah blah. "Good with theory but not very practical - did u take physics?" Give us a break! It's the first time we broke track and we were playing around with the tools, trying to get used to the process and there u had to be passing such judgemental comments, as if we are absolutely useless. We dont even get a chance to familiarise ourselves and these people, who are most seasoned of veterans, shoot their mouths off at us. If you are unhappy with the system (or with signing on for tt matter), go tell the top brass, dont take it out on us. If you think A levels shldnt take on such duties, go tell the bigwigs - we have no say in many things! Why can't our commanders take us for what it is and evaluate us more fairly and not be comparing us to the good old days or previous courses. Every course is different and they shldnt superimpose stereotypes or their views on us. Training objectives have to be met but the approach is really diff for diff people. haiz. If there is one thing all of my commanders need, they need patience and less of a smothering touch. Sometimes, i dun even know how i can go back wk after wk and survive. Seems like the system has ingrained something in me. Im a proud product of the syst.


On a lighter note, Gaius and it seems Jim are coming over for AIOCC. can my next PC be someone tt i know? at least it'll be easier to get along and there will be less of not seeing eye to eye....i think. haha

One Day I'll Fly Away -Moulin Rouge OST

I follow the night,
cant stand the light.
When will i begin,
to live again?

One day i'll fly away,
leave all these to yesterday.
What more could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends...

One day i'll fly away,
leave all these to yesterday.
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends...

One day i'll fly away,
Fly, fly away.

Some people really go unnoticed in life, not till you become less obsessed with your life.

The SFI aunties boarded our chartered book-out bus when we waited for some guy who forgot his trainee pass. Of course, like bernard i was rather peeved cos we had to wait but when i saw this SFI auntie clamber on board, my heart kind of went out to her. at her age, she really shouldnt be serving food to a whole bunch of ungrateful NSFs, standing all day long washing dishes and clearing all the tonnes of uneaten leftovers and swill that accumulate jus becos NSFs nowadays are too pampered. and the supervisors who mus be breathing down their necks to stick to prescribed portion sizes or not working fast enough or not cooking enough food. and all of us jus work through each meal, 3 times a day dismissing them as the aunties who ought to serve cos they are paid (a pitance though, i think) by SFI, whose absence would not be missed. come to think of it, she's serving NS too, just that for her, there's no ORD or ROD. i feel really really sorry for them. people treat them like robots who would most routinely scoop food onto our platters every meal. and think of the number of people they have to serve. It's really not easy being an SFI aunty. we go outfield once in a while, they prepare for battle 3 times a day, not taking into consideration night snacks. if our training is tedious, theirs has no end. SAF should give them an honourary 3SG rank at the very least.

Then there are the caregivers to the elderly. My family hired a maid specially to look after my ailing grandma. Since she is warded in hospital now, i went to visit her earlier in the day. It was rather depressing to see a WHOLE ward of old people being put together, staring into space. i think ah mah would not have liked the environment very much. ah mah today is a far cry from my memories of her when i was young. i used to live with her and our daily routine of marketing, cooking, studying, playing and story-telling is still etched in my mind. She was an omniscient presence compared to my parents back then, who were always working. Now, she lies in the hospital bed, too weak to walk. and her mouth moves incessantly, like chewing on something that can never be broken down. worst of all, she cant even recognise me or remember her own name now. So Rosaly's main job was to take care of her and so along she goes to CGH when ahmah was admitted. It was amazing listening to Rosaly giving my father a report of what ahmah did before we arrived and what she helped her do. and looking ard the ward, at almost every other bed, there was a foreign domestic helper looking after the sick. even most of the nurses were not locals. It's amazing how these women can put down everything back home, come to a foreign land and dedicate their lives to total strangers. something most locals would shun totally due to the long hours. is it merely a case of "money makes the world go round", or the prospect of providing a better life for loved ones back home?
While the latter may be a great driving force, I still must salute these women, for making such huge sacrifices, to care, cook and clean for their charge, 24/7. It is definitely more tiring than a 28km route march with an end pt in sight. The black sheep aside, how can there still be cases of maid-abuse coming out every now and then? are Singaporeans an ungrateful lot? or is it due to the superannuated mindset of paying for one's slave, which they are not in the first place? Whatever the case, i think most of us would appreciate a good maid when we see one.

When specific names get mentioned for contributing to nation-building and cohesion, for being "ordinary people who do extraordinary stuff", think of all these people and more, without whom, many things in our little bubble would not be possible. The people who get mentioned may be deserving, but those who remain in the shadows are the ones who we should really give our thanks to. Somebody announce SEVEN public holidays in their honour!

***************************************

It was enlistment day for mono-intake armour yesterday. Saw many recruits who looked totally blank and sad, as I mus have had on my first day. Heads shaven and not shaven. Civvies and admin. Doing chin ups before meals. Annoyances that still bug me now. On my way to being an SAF commander, i really dont know what i will become. i cannot imagine brandon or wenhao spewing expletives over every little thing. or kp for that matter. anw, to all new enlistees, welcome to the army. jus as how knowledge is never returning to a point of not knowing, being conscripted is a pt of no return - you are ensnared by the SAF for the next 12 years of your life. :)

Not going to OCS was perhaps the best thing that happened to me in nS, until i was asked the reason why in my final interview. I was caught off guard, totally unaware that it was coming. i was expecting things like research, the industry and even climate change and how it'd affect our resources and then i got asked that. Increasingly annoyed at the question, i shot back with, "there's nothing wrong with that," in the midst of verbal diarrhoea. It was an attempt at trying to disguise my shock but i guess if i went on it'd have made matters worse. But heck with that. i went on to say that specs and offrs knew the same stuff, jus that the offrs were more involved in planning and administration(more detached) and i liked being on the grd, interacting with people. It makes me feel, not that i like being in muck and green everytime but at least i can empathise with the rest and have a better sense of what is going on. And then they shot back, each claiming to be what? Col(NS), Maj.(NS), LTC(NS) and even a lowly LTA(NS). OOPS, big mistake i made. what was i then? a mere PTE back then, passing out to be a CPL (only, it seems to them).

"Perceived to be lacking in command." Right. it's all a matter of elitism that has gripped our nation-state without signs of loosening its hold in the near future. Not when everything has to be the best. look at how many awards are given to "the best" or "top" or "gold with honours" or "distinctions" compared to good progress awards and those of that nature. well at least we are not as pressurised as those in Nihon. Both offrs and specs have their places in the system. and we need good ppl in both roles. and even though i know that there are really deserving ppl in OCS rite now, i've also heard of ppl who have escaped the system, jus as it was in sispec. The system will always be an ideal and what happens in reality will nvr be that. if not, why will ideals exist when it can actually be achieved? Warrant Teo said at the start of the course that those who made it to OCS were merely more lucky than us who ended up in sispec, not better in any way.... Well, it depends on how we look at things and for me, being assigned to golf was the best thing tt happened to me. motivated to achieve is much better than being whipped to produce results. and i disagree with the luck thing. We are jus meant to do different things in life and to do it well, without regrets, to the best of our ability.

Met with kp eugene at vincent's yesterday. RISK is a long-drawn affair and i suggest we set a time limit the next time we play. and kp said russell pereira was his PC at 1gds,HAHA. it's a small world after all. yes, that 6th AERIUS house rep, russell, who was also from soccer and prom king 2004. kp said tt he sucked big time, always NATA and being sarcastic. Daggers in his smile. haha, and i was like, how bad can a house rep be? i mean i saw khalid, glenn and jian hong at PS course in sispec and they seemed to be really amiable.

well, perhaps it's an OCS thing, the products coming from there have not really been up to standard as of late, or so says a survey by DSTA. we all concurred that warrants are so much better. like how kp's PC helped to wash the boot-washing area when they were all rushing to book out. I can NEVER imagine a commissioned officer doing that. perhaps it's something that happened in OCS that caused them to be like that: cold, aloof, condescending even. or maebe they became so disillusioned with their unit lives that they become cynical and unfeeling sometimes towards their men. or maebe it's jus a facade of professionalism at work, a barrier erected to prevent personal feelings from mixing with work. and tt's a way to protect oneself. I really hope that the people(ARE YOU ALL SEEING THIS?) who i know in OCS rite now will not turn out to be tt way. it will be a pity... A rank will always jus be tt but as a person we can be much much more. I dont want to be a draconian martinet but jus me, who talks sense(help me with this) and get things out of the way ane me, who cares.

****

I hope i get the letter of offer soon. i really cant rest easy till i see for myself what is on the letter. SMSes are not good enought. and not least till we've signed the contract. i mus be really desperate to "fly away, leave all these to yesterday." haha. and i knew since i was sec 1 wow. something in me jus wants to go and i dont know why. perhaps it's escapsim, which i hope it's not. or maebe it's a novel idea that somehow did not die away. and vincent said tt such processes are very inefficient. does no good to anxious, panicky me. well, tmr is reporting day at ATI also. jus adds to the excitement doesnt it?

This one week leave seems so surreal. The world is whizzing past and i am just sitting there, watching. I liked breakfast today with wx, golden rays cast on green foilage and people scurrying to work. How i wished everyday was like that. NS really reduced me to a drone, as if everyday had the same routine, with slight variations in the "lessons". And so i was bored at home. Then i decided to go find diana at her workplace. surprise surprise, it was a sight to behold. and she still cannot make good latte yet. i guess she'll learn, before flying off to King's college for Law. It's amazing but i nvr imagined her doing that. The world is a cruel place. Then somehow, i randomly met up with michelle and ylang. they happened to be shopping in the area and were trying to get purple jello for aerius parteh on sat. it felt good seeing people that u haven got a chance to see or properly talk to for sometime. Those 2 were, according to themselves, bumming ard all the time. haha. and kai ru came along aft work. Seeing people move on made me feel a sense of loss, as if there was something that i didnt get to do. and the sch term is starting soon. University, the next phase in life...for some. I felt really ancient at that thought. like somehow being left behind in time and space. Whoever said being adults were free? i say they are saddled with much more responsibilities. OK im talking very randomly here. me thoughts are disorganised but i cannot help it since it's been like a month since i last blogged. nvr knew how i wuld feel if i had to attend school where i really dun want to go. it has nvr happened before i hope it will nvr happen ever. If the army has given me anything, it has taught me to live by the day. and is that really a bad thing? i dont know. i jus dont want to think so far ahead cos it's causing a HUGE migraine. maebe that's a reason to downgrade pes...

just posting a quick one here. am out for PUB interview and am going back soon. hehe i asked for time extension and my PWO nvr said till wad time. i guess i shall take my time then but lets not go overboard. the session was rather interesting. at least everyone got something to take home, regardless of getting an offer or not. but there's still the next rds of interviews. anw, PUB seems like quite a nice place to be, and i dun mean their rather attractive renumeration package. seems like the people there dun want to leave - the av ag is like 47. hmm. it shld have publicised a bit more but oh well at least that means it's got less competition.

going back to camp in a matter of minutes. i jus cannot bear the thought of returning. wk after wk after wk. it's been 10 wks of BMT and now it's 10 more wks. at least it's not OCS hehe. haiz...someone save me from all this. i want to come home everyday!!!

"it turns boys into men. oh yeah...it ruins lives as well." it seems that ns is not exactly doing wonders for everyone. sure, it makes us physically fitter and more appreciative of the little things around us, but it also grips us with dread and ensnares our freedom. whoever said that life will get better after BMT? people everywhere are not happy with their postings. the men are unhappy with their vocations, the sispec trainees are mostly sore about not going to ocs (personally i think most people should get a life and not harp abt the prestige or the pay) and ocs people find training emotionally draining. seems like the road just got tougher for everyone. and i actually miss my BMT section and platoon. i think they are a much nicer bunch than those now. perhaps learning to deal with it all is part and parcel of this "coming of age" ritual. i cant imagine dragging myself to every book in for the next 1 yr 7 mths. How then do we "...look forward to every book-in"? NS is really bad for the brain. really really bad. like we'll all probably have to start from pri 6 if we are to continue school again. i cant think anymore. i miss school. i really do. give me 10 common tests a term. or like 10 orientations a year.

jus settled most of my university applications. waiting for replies now and hoping that i get called out for interviews (more chances to book-out). 1 down 4 to go. oh ya plus NUS. at least there's something to look forward to in camp - smses from my parents. now where's the money going to come from?

been a mth since i last blogged. NS really drains me of emotion and thoughts. there's really nothing to blog about. Everything has been so transient that i cant have a chance to jot it down. and my brain's getting too rusty since we are only treated to instructions and epithets in camp.

ignis outing yesterday and council gathering today(rather the day before and yesterday respectively) were quite interesting. everyone has moved on - the ladies have gone on to garner working experience while most of the gentlemen have been posted. it's amazing how structured and systematic society can be, so much so that different streams and strata of society seldom mix. it's a microcosm, as aptly put by "Army Daze". it's true - how much do most JC kids know about their poly counterparts? oh well, we do have the world's highest myopia rates, do we not?

All the bookouts are merely time for us to wash our clothes. There's not even enough time to wait for them to dry! ARGH!!

The field camp was qutie a bit better than i expected. other than the rain and mud and cold, everything else seemed quite ok. It was nonetheless, physically demanding and mentally stressful but i guess i worried too much before that. haha. and the rations were not THAT bad wad. really surprised me to see how ppl can still be choosy abt food in adverse conditions. think abt ppl in africa. sleeping out field is quite interesting actually, save the aches and pains in the morning. cos it's rather cooling at night and everthing else is cast in slivers of moonlight. not exactly beautiful but ethereal maybe. well, bottom line is, i survived!! :D

less than 24 hrs left to book in. so many things to do, so little time. i need more time, sir!

It's the day before book in again. It's that time when u wished u had more time with ur family and friends, more time to walk on the streets freely and more time to watch TV. More time to do everything. Perhaps brandon was rite. The longer we stay out, the heavier the withdrawal symptoms. Suddenly, everything doesnt seem as bad as it was anymore. I'd rather do anything outside than inside, where the amount of freedom is PEANUTS. and straight into field camp. all the horror stories are going to come true. and my interview is smack in the middle of field camp. i'd be so tired that i cant think straight and they want me there. OMG. life SUX. i wont take anything for granted again. Can the SGTs not be so paranoid and think that we are taking advantage of their kindness? We are never what they think we are. why mus everything be so bleak???

Everthing seems bleak. I dun think my PS likes us very much. Maebe he's hoping that we will all die in the field and never come back. And that island is rather miserable. Day in day out, I only see the barracks, training grounds and cookhouse. and other ppl training. it's almost like a prison, only better. The only good things there are my section mates. and platoon mates. and sometimes, only sometimes, the food. The commanders all have mood swings faster than the oscillations of atoms in a quartz crystal. My platoon is really trying very hard but they are still not satisfied. i dunno why but we are always compared to previous batches. Are such comparisons fair? Would they themselves like to be compared with their elder brothers? i dun want to recount too much of a miserable island experience. Island holiday, anyone?

Being in BMT makes me wonder how effective NS really is. Sure, we get trained physically and mentally. But in the end, when war breaks out, wad will really happen? will servicemen stay or flee? Even for those who stay, will they really squeeze the trigger in the end? Not just at men, but what about women and children? The elderly and sickly? The helpless? Knowing that if I let them go and some day, they may get back at me? We no longer use swords and shields but guns and weapons of mass destruction. Do ppl still associate chivalry and gallantry with war or do we all know of the harsh cruel reality of war? Pointing the muzzle at someone is one thing but squeezing the barrel is another thing altogether. and we never practice on live targets, do we? Should deterrence and diplomacy fail, how do we ensure a swift and decisive victory? What will really happen when we do go to war?

Dustin: This is the last time. This is the last time. Can't you just....

This is the last post before i enlist. Like im scared. But everyone's going in too. So there's nothing to be afraid about. :D See you all soon. esp the ppl coming in on 6 and 7. Too many wad ifs, so little time. I'll miss everyone and everything, like all the food that's out here. BLAH!

I have NEVER seen any other digit other than 5 and 0 occupy the cents slot of my EZ-link card. For the first time today, as i tapped my card on the turnstile at orchard station, i saw 8 cents in that last digit. i was so shocked i stood rooted for a few seconds. I cant believe it. I'm paying adult fares. That needs getting used to. haiz. Happy 2006 everyone. Get used to adult fares for A-level graduates.

I finally finished all my university applications. haha yay!!!! I never want to do anymore US applications like ever again. Disgusting overseas unis. they are out to get international students.

Orientation begins in 2 days. Im sure the 38th will do a good job. 4 more days to enlistment. i think im just going to take it ez-pz.

Bobby came out of camp alr! positively like from a cartoon book. for more info, ask candace or weechiew for photos.

1 wk to NS and it's positively boring. sense of helplessness and anxiety and what not. Life will nvr be the same again.

It's REALLY boring. like dead bored. someone give me something to do. (I'm pocrastinating my essays again. oh well.)

It's amos' birthday today! Happy birthday, fugly baby. It was quite enjoyable playing RISK in his mansion. The place is not small at all. And thanks everyone for eating the first try youtiao with fish paste. Except samuel yeo who still thinks that eating it will cause severe food poisoning and even death.

2 days to Christmas and 13 days to enlistment. it's like enlistment at the very end of Xmas. At that pt of time i will lose myself and dissolve into a recruit. "The nail that stands out will be hammered down.". There will be no me, I or you. There will only be us. It's encouraging group think. "Yes sir, no sir, i dunno sir!". Even so, Japan has thrived with such conformity has it not? It's all about conformity and adapting, isn't it? And there are so many horror stories about NS. hmm wad no thursday nights and SOC and BMT. hmm i really wonder. why do people's opinions vary so much. We are worried. like real worried. and there's even death in the Pasir Ris camps? Why do ppl persist in fatal training when we lose 50-odd years of life? Not one, not tue, but several each yr? How much is that worth? Im not going to survive NS, wad with monkey bars and wad not. Not to mention PT and erm vulgarities and er Tekong knows what.

Im sick and tired of all that university and scholarship shit. At the end of the day, it's a luxury. Some people cannot even afford an education and here i am looking at Overseas universities. Even the local Us. When someone else is trying desperately to survive on another land. All this nitty-gritty and competition is making me lose sight of what's really important. To be grateful for what i already have and not be spiteful of what i dont have. It's also very tiring to try and package and sell myself. To constantly project myself and lose myself along the way. I shall just be myself and see what they say. If they like it, good for me. If im rejected, then it's just not meant to be. Why get all tensed up over this? After all, it's best if im accepted for what i am, not what i am supposed to be, is it not?

Having swimming pools is a sin when there are places where water is sacred. But swimming pools are nice. Felt very clean after that.

"were you the one who left your wallet in the toilet?"
"ya."
"I found it. But i've turned it over to the lifeguard already."
"THank you very much!" (hands outstretched, big smile on face)
"but the money's all gone though. It's just left with the cards when i found it." (facial features droop, doing a 180 degress turn.)(he takes a few steps...)
"oh. but there's alot of money in there."
"oh... :S"

Some one lost all his money. and i picked up the empty wallet. what would i have done if i had chanced upon the wallet first?

Fried food always smells nice. But when I take the first bite, it's all so disappointing. Is that why idealism brings about disillusionment and realism brings about pragmatism? (cant remember where this qn came frm).

Im lazy. like real lazy. so this is a short post. even after 1 mth. yes.