This week started out as a bit of an ugly mom week. I found myself exhausted and cranky and yelling at my almost-three-year-old to get down from there, to stop doing that, to put that down. I could hardly keep up.

By Wednesday night I was so done. We usually have parent preschool Thursday mornings, but with a busy weekend ahead, away from my kids, i felt the need to just stay home. My kids were up every two hours in the night (mainly the baby but also the almost-three-year-old) and the first one was up for the day at 5:00 am. So we definitely stayed home. I was dragging and fought to stay patient and keep from yelling. I said my morning prayers a bit late and asked for help. I knew I couldn't get through the day and be the mom I needed to be on my own. And things changed. Not completely and not all at once but I was able to slowly change my thoughts and turn my day around.

I  got my daily cleaning job done and felt good about checking something off my list. I got the girls dressed and did their hair and miracle-of-miracles had a shower! That helped me feel so much better. My sweet five year old did her job of unloading the dishwasher without complaint. My middle child helped a bit too. And the baby went down for a nap so well on her own today. By noon I had fed the kids an early lunch, had supper in the crockpot,  and got my oldest ready for school. Once she was gone, I was able to get my two other girls down for a nap at the same time in the same room successfully and that was a good feeling! I got the house picked up and mopped the floor into my room where I was able to snuggle into my bed for an entire hour and even slept for a bit before crying woke me up. There is nothing like a little catch-up sleep for the sleep-deprived to feel like a new person!

I happily made some cookies for the kids and folded and put away laundry and fed the baby and finished picking up the house, noting how much easier it is since I purged so much from our home in the last few months. I still had a few frustrated moments but the kitchen was cleaned right after supper, we ate a good meal together as a family, the kids got some dad time, and I got the baby out to bed on-time so she wasn't screaming and overtired an hour later. And I got the other two kids out to bed with plenty of snuggles and I was happy and not too tired. I squeezed in some extra snuggles and chatting and just really savoured being a mother tonight. my heart is so full and I am so grateful for His help in turning my "ugly mom week" into a grateful, joyful mom week.

It seems like everyone used to blog, and I loved reading all of those blogs! Now almost no one does. I have lots of things in my head that I want to get out and since no one even reads this, why not here?

What do you feel guilty about right now?

I feel guilty that Ava is watching a show right now because I am supposed to be working. Oops! :( I always feel guilty when I am sitting in front of the computer working and the kids want me. Ava tries to climb on my lap and tells me, "I want you to hold me, mom." I feel like I am neglecting them. A girl I babysit a couple of days a week told me that she wished her mom and dad worked like me, at their house, instead of at their work. But I'm not sure it's my favourite - being home with kids and trying to work is hard. And when I work during nap time, I feel like there goes any progress in the cleaning department for the day. So I feel guilty about the state of my house, too. It's not the worst ever but it's not what I want it to be.

Name a song that triggers emotions from the past and describe those emotions.

The whole Alabama Christmas CD - memories of decorating the tree every year with my family. December 1 was always the night - my dad would bring home the real Christmas tree bought from the Scouts, and we all helped haul out all of the Christmas decorations in boxes from under the stairs. We each had a shoebox with our special ornaments. As we got older, we ended up with two. Every year on Christmas Eve my mom would give us an ornament, and with all of the school crafts we amassed quite a collection.

The tree was hauled into the house and my dad would have his saw to make sure it was short enough to fit. I remember helping to hold the tree up while my mom gave us directions to make sure it was straight, and my dad would anchor it into the tree stand. I can almost smell the tree right now. My mom loved the smell of a real tree. We would have Alabama Christmas playing as we all placed our ornaments on the tree. After my mom hung the lights, of course. She wanted to make sure they were all evenly spread out and that was always her job.

Along with decorating the tree, we would put up the ceramic Nativity on top of the piano, on blue silk. And the advent calendar with the little mouse that moved over a pocket each day, and the special candle my mom would have ready with dots on it we so we knew how much to let it burn every night as we read a Christmas story and moved the mouse.

What can you see outside your kitchen window?

I can see my little garden boxes covered with snow, a few leaves peeking out that I hadn't dug up and worked in. Our little row of trees with snow on the tiny branches. My neighbour's window to the North, where in the summertime her little girl watches us in the backyard after she has been put to bed, and she waves at us. :) I can see our trampoline covered in snow, and the backyards of my neighbours. We all have small little trees, and I often think how different our yards will look with big trees when our kids are grown up. It makes me a little sad to think that will come sooner than I want it to. I can see across all of the backyards on the streets to either side of us, the big building behind us that they use for Farm Safety classes and in the mornings I can hear the kids running to the bus. Every time I do I am thankful that I have no kids in school yet, that I don't have to have anyone ready that early. They pop in and out of the backyard of the empty house behind us with holes in the fence around it. I wonder if we will ever have neighbours. It's been 2 or 3 years now, since the family moved away, I forget how long.

December 2 - What is your favourite chair in the house and why?

My favourite chair in the house is our big white armchair. Clark found it in the sale section of the Sears Home store when we were newlyweds living in a tiny basement apartment, and it barely fit in that apartment, but it was leather and white (win for me) and a good deal so we bought it. It is big enough to fit me and Ava with Emma on my lap. I like how the leather on the cushions is quilted or pieced together so the leather doesn't get stretched out and sag like a cushion covered with just one piece of leather. I can turn sideways and have my back against one arm and my legs over the other and read or look at my iPad and it fits me just right!

A moment from today that I want to remember always...

1. Shopping at Superstore for Family Home Evening. We were at the very back of the store and Ava had to go potty. I was frustrated because it was late and the kids needed to get home and go to bed. I wanted to get groceries and get out of there. Off we went to the bathrooms. Ava lagged behind so I kept having to slow down so she could keep up. In the bathroom, after we washed our hands, I put mine in the high-tech super-powered hand dryer that scares her. She looked scared for a second so I made a funny face and said something about how awesome it was and acted all excited that it was drying my hands. She smiled and put her hands in with mine, then giggled as it blew her hands dry. As we walked back down the hallway to go find Clark and Emma, she was making big two-footed hops along the tiles and saying, "Hop. Scock. Hop. Scock." That's how hopscotch sounds coming from Ava. It was just a tiny thing and a tiny moment but I just felt incredibly lucky to be this girl's mother and just enjoyed walking through the store with my little girl and a full mama heart.