The Clock Finally Started Ticking

So, this is it....the eve of my 40th birthday.  I keep thinking about the Friends episode where everyone turns 30, and Joey keeps saying "Why G-d, why us?"  It's been a rough few weeks.  I have had a lot of anxiety and thoughts about being a single mom of two kids and "what ifs".  But if I repeat the mantra "I'm okay" then I actually am, "O-K."  In the end, I have everything I need and want right now.  I have these two fabulous kids who are my whole world.  And watching how they just adore each other and how much fun we all have together makes it all worth it.  I hate that I spend too much time "cleaning up" from dinner and missing that valuable time with them, but I'm not wealthy and can't have a helper.

As with everything, there are always "firsts" and with that come many "lasts."  J-Bear is now night weaned.  I am no longer an "All-You-Can-Eat-Midnight-Buffet."  He has milk before bed and first thing in the morning.  And he sleeps - I just wish that I could sleep (stupid netflix!).  So there was a last time of his night nursing.  Now SR is in a big bed and the toddler bed is in my room.  J-Bear wants to sleep in that bed, but my arm (his lovey) can't be in the toddler bed, so he ends up in my bed before he actually falls asleep.  But sometime soon, he won't co-sleep anymore.

They both fight to sit in my lap when we read - we always make room for both at the same time.  They want to be with me.  I am still their everything.  But I won't be for long.  There will come a time in the near future where the kisses won't come as freely and friends and reputations will take precedence over our relationship.  All a part of growing up.  So in the meantime, I just want to relish in our time together.

I went out on Saturday night for the first time in 2.5 years.  My parents gifted me with the ability to go out for an evening with friends.  We just went for dessert.  And miraculously I got both kids to bed extra early - SR by 7, and J-Bear by 8.  And yet, as I left the house, I felt like Bea Smith escaping from Wentworth (so hooked on Netflix and Wentworth right now).

But really, times have changed and the best place for me to be is home with my kids, and with my parents here with us.  I have to wrap up - my J-Bear was just screaming hysterically and I went to comfort him hoping I wouldn't fall asleep, and I just escaped.

Tomorrow I will go off to work as a 40 year old.  I told my students that the only gift I want is a great day from them.  I will take my Son to my place of work as he now attends school where I am.  We will join friends for dinner at SR's favourite restaurant so she can have eggs for dinner.  And at age 40, that's the perfect birthday celebration.

Now I just need a little more sleep!

Here's me at 40!!!!  A few more wrinkles than I'd like....working harder than I could have ever imagined....and happier than I could have ever dreamed.

Dear SR,

I can't believe that you are 5 years old today!  We had such a great day.  I The Birthday Fairy decorated your room while you were sleeping last night....but that didn't surprise you because you woke up to pee at 11 and called for me to come to take you.  Needless to say, excitement was in the air.

This morning when you woke up you charged into my room and struck the most perfect birthday pose calling out, "It's my birthday!  I'm 5!!!!"  It's hard to be the last of your friends to turn a certain age, and here we go again, as your classmates will all begin to turn six.  I let you choose whatever you wanted to watch in my bed, as J-Bear ALWAYS chooses Toy Story and you are so sweet that you always let him, even if there are other things you want to watch.

I told you that we had to quickly get dressed.  We had to be in the car by 9:30 to get to our surprise destination on time.  I took you to the Disney Store for store opening - you got to be the one who "opened the store" and it was a special treat.    I ended up buying you Frozen Figurines and J-Bear got a giant Buzz Lightyear.  You also got an Elsa hoodie and a Doc McStuffins t-shirt.  But here's what is so special about you.  I was going to get you TWO figurine sets - a Doc and a Frozen Fever, for $28.00.  But you went with the regular Frozen for $10 and that is all you wanted.  Really, the truth is, you are only interested in playing with bits of paper and sticky tape and creating little things :).

After the Disney Store we came back home and you had mac and cheese for lunch :)  You relaxed with some playing and some TV and some popcorn, and then we got ready for going out with our friends for dinner.  Your favourite restaurant is "Pickle Barrel".  You love your sunny side up eggs, and you ate like a queen :)  We got to sing happy birthday to you with your dessert, and then came home to talk to some friends on the phone and open a few presents.

Next up is your birthday party on Sunday at your gymnastics studio.  It's going to be a great day!

So, my SR, you are really something else.  You just turned 5 today, but you can read as well as many of the 7 year olds that I teach.  You love to learn new things and you ask so many questions.  You are funny and enthusiastic....but you are shy and reserved around new situations and new people (or just people you haven't seen in a while).

But the best thing about you, SR, is your heart.  You are so kind and sweet.  When you make a "bad choice" or harm your brother or a friend, or you feel you wronged somebody, it sticks with you.  Even once you have "confessed" to me, or apologized to someone, you are usually still so distraught.  For example, you accidentally scratched J-Bear on his cheek today - and you were so remorseful and upset that you hurt him even though he was fine and you had apologized.

You never have anything of your own - you graciously let J-Bear take/use/destroy everything you own.  You teach him and guide him and hug him.  You laugh with him and team up against me.

You tell me you never want to get married, and that you only want to live with me.  As much as I love that, I hope you find someone who makes you infinitely happy....but I'd be happy to have you too :)

In your gymnastics class, as in life, you are cautious and reluctant to attempt things that frighten you....but once you have finally tried it with guidance, you laugh and wonder why you didn't try sooner.  You are reluctant to approach friends who you want to play with, unless you feel that you will be accepted into the group.  You are getting more comfortable in swimming, but you have a long way to go!  I am so proud of how much you learned this year.

Tonight you started, on your own, to ask me questions about your donor.  It's funny because we have been talking about your donor since you were born, and tonight is when you started asking questions.  Hopefully I can answer you as best I can...but your donor is not your doctor who delivered you (who happens to be your friend's grandfather - that would really be way too weird).

My SR, I love you so much.  You are my sunshine and light and rainbow.  You see the good in everything.  I call you "S-------- Doddler" because you are soooo slow when we are in a rush to get somewhere.  You love to sleep late, watch Frozen, Tangled, Wild Kratts, and Doc McStuffins.

I wish for you to always see the best in everyone and everything - but still be cautious where you are not comfortable.  I wish for you to follow your every dream and that life comes easy to you - I wish that you never have to struggle, but that you know the value of hard work.

You are about to move into your big girl bed - it will arrive in a few weeks - out of your toddler bed.  I wish you always continue to sleep with your Ernie figurine in one hand and hold your Kaiya with her 4 washclothes in order with your other hand - these are your nighttime comforts...it's sweet :)

I love you my "Lovey Tubby".....May all your dreams come true.




Love, Mommy

Dear J-Bear,

How did two years just fly by?  You are officially a Terrific Two!  I say this several times a day, but "I just love my boy".  You are my squishy, affectionate, opinionated, sweet, determined boy.

I'll start with sweet:  You are always so concerned and aware of other children and adults in need.  If anyone is ever crying, you stop in your tracks to watch, take it in, comment "baby crying" or "SR crying", you go over to offer a hug, or you say "okay, mommy?" or "okay SR?"  You offer kisses and hugs to me regularly.  And if you ever think your mischief upset me, after you have calmed down, you are the first to say "huggies, mommy."  Sigh, you are so delicious!

Determined:  You persevere with everything, independently, until you master the skill.  I remember a few months ago, you stood on your little arm chair, quite a distance off the ground.  You were determined to step off of it without falling down.  You stepped off, fell flat on your face, gave a whimper, and got right back up.  You did this again and again until you mastered it.  It's the same with almost everything.  Your favourite skill to practise is going up and down any steps you can find. And your favourite expression when you conquer something you've been trying "I DID IT!"

Mischievous:  From an early age, you would watch and take in what I approve of and what I don't like.  And yet, you try to get away with what you shouldn't be doing - be it climbing on furniture, standing on tall toys or chairs or booster seats, going up stairs without me, or colouring or eating where you shouldn't.  You watch, and you wait, and you smile as you do it, waiting for me to catch you in the act.  And of course, I try to be stern, but you are so darn cute, it's hard to show displeasure.

Adoring your sister:  You just love SR.  She loves you as much.  But you will do anything she does and you will do anything she tells you to do.  Any attention SR gives you is golden.  If she reads to you or does a puzzle with you, you sit and wait for her instruction for what to do.  If she starts singing or dancing or jumping, you do exactly what she does.  And during playdates, you only want to be with the big kids.

Charming:  You will often choose a random girl, older than you, to go up to, smile at, get closer to, and closer, then wrap your arms around, and hug.  You are charming, that's for sure....and if you have this much confidence with the ladies now, and this natural charm, I am going to have to start schooling you very early in how to be a proper gentleman!!!!

Know EXACTLY what you want:  Picture it....middle of the night....milk, more milk, (turning my face to his) more milk, milk please, more milk please, this side, no this side, no this side, no the other side, sweater (I need to be wearing long sleeves for nursing so you have my sleeve to tickle).  You slowly go back to sleep, and if I move even slightly, you are back upright saying "more milk please."  But wait, there's more....you also demand "pillow away", "knee down" "no blanket" "pack and play" and "Dora Rora".  I could keep going!

Yes, I'm exhausted....but I could not imagine a better reason for being tired than you.  Waking up to your smiling face each morning, hearing you sing and hold notes and end with "Oh Yeah", hearing you say "come here, mommy, sit down" because you want me near you, knowing exactly how you like to snuggle my left arm, and that when it is almost wake up time, how you squish in under my left armpit and pull both of my arms around you, how you go to daycare every morning with two sesame figurines clutched in your hand, how you run to me when you see me, and how you love your sister and how much she loves you in return - you just make me the happiest mommy ever.

In 2 years we have had 5 hospital visits.  You keep me on my toes and I wouldn't want it any other way.  I wish for both of us to get more sleep and visit the hospital less in this coming third year.

Happy 2nd birthday baby boy!!!!

Love, Mommy

Check out your two pictures taken in the same place exactly one year apart.  What a change!!!!

J-Bear at 12 months

J-Bear at 2 years - same shirt, same chair same day

I missed writing about my March Break - J's nap ended last week before I even got the chance to open blogger.

March Break - my one week off that was completely for me.  J went to daycare and SR had school - her break starts this Thursday for Passover.  March Break started with some weekend playdates.  Monday was to be my one day with SR.  I sent her to school until 11am.  Picked her up, and took her to Dairy Queen's Free Ice Cream Day.  From there we headed to the eye doctor for her check up - her peripheral vision is fine, she's just naturally clumsy!  Sigh, I think she gets it from me.  The eye doctor and the dentist are both in the shopping mall.  So we went down to the food court and got Subway - I rarely take SR out to eat and she was THRILLED to go to Subway and she enjoyed her Tuna Sub so much!!!!  I let her order my coffee at Tim Horton's and they gave her a free Tim Bit - she doesn't like chewy foods, so I got to enjoy that too :)  We went to the dentist after walking around the shopping mall for a bit.  We just had a really great day together!

Tuesday, I ended up taking J to the pediatrician to check his asthma, but after dropping him off at daycare, I enjoyed my day going to Walmart and Winners.  All of the things I never get to do for myself.

Wednesday, I had lunch with some teachers - LUNCH...I got to go out for lunch!!!

Thursday, I spent the whole day with a close friend who took the day off of work.  We went to her gym to start the day (I got a trial pass), shopping at a toy warehouse, lunch together, more shopping.

Friday, I went back to the gym, because the pass was still valid (I miss going to gym classes regularly), grocery shopping, met my dad to buy new running shoes, and then out for lunch with my best friend from high school - we hadn't seen each other in 20 years.  It turns out we went to the same teacher's college at the same time and work for the same school board, but somehow he and I lost touch over the years.  Hopefully we will continue to maintain this friendship.

So it was a fabulous week for me.  I was spending time with the kids - I got to take SR right to school and pick her up at school rather than sending her to the before and after care program.  But I really needed the me-time so much!!!  I went back to work feeling refreshed (not to be confused with well-rested, which I wasn't).

This weekend is turning into a fun weekend as well.  J started his "Monkeynastix" program that SR took 4 times.  But SR's program doesn't start for two weeks, so she came along and got to participate with us.  In the pm, we had a playdate at a friend of SR's from school.  J played with the little girl and SR had a great time with her friend.  We stayed for dinner and I got to socialize :)

This morning we were invited out with some "Jewish Choice Moms" to an indoor playground that we haven't been to before.  They mostly know each other well, and I'm busy chasing two kids around.  Nice to be invited, but they did leave without saying goodbye....not sure if I should take that personally.  In any case, my kids had a great time at this new playground.  Then our good friend (who I spent the day with last Thursday) invited me to drop SR off for lunch while J napped in the car - which is where I am now, in my parents' driveway.  J just woke up and although I just drove us around the block, he's awake, so I'm going to take him into my parents' house for lunch before we rejoin our playdate.

Tomorrow is March 15th, my favourite day of the year.  I have nothing planned.  Maybe we will just spend a great day together.

March Break has officially started.  I am rewarding myself with a week of Me time.  SR has school, as she is not on holidays yet, and J will be in daycare.  I have booked appointments and lunch dates.  SR and I will spend Monday afternoon together, as I booked her two appointments and we will also have lunch together.  But I'm looking forward to doing stuff for me...I may even get to Walmart!!!

I took the kids this morning to an indoor playground - my first time tackling something like this with both of them that was open during public times.  We also had friends meet us there so SR had a friend to play with on the equipment.  We arrived almost an hour before our friends - this was great because SR taught J-Bear how to go up all of the equipment and we had a great time going down the giant slides - first with me holding J in my lap, and then with him waiting at the top with SR while I went down first.  Lots of laughing and exploring.  It was nice because usually SR has a Saturday morning program.

J is now snoring away in the back seat - both kids were exhausted after more than 2 hours of playing.

Okay, I'm going to read some blogs now.  Nothing else to update right now.

March is my favourite month of the year - March 15th my favourite/lucky day.  Things often go my way in March...or else I'm just more in tune with what is happening.

J-Bear is napping behind me in the car, while I sit in my parents' driveway.

Once again, there is a house for sale near my parents.  This is a constant struggle for me.  I live in a great house.  1850 sq. feet.  Nice neighbours.  Close to my work and to SR's school.  Newish (7 years old).  All of the rooms are spread out with a bathroom between them.  So SR's room is apart from J's empty room, which is apart from my room.  Walk out to the garage from the laundry room (I back my car into the garage so I quickly load and unload the trunk each day).  Large rooms and a large living/dining room that acts as a big play area.

But it's away from my parents (10 minutes or up to 30 in rush hour), who were used to me living within walking distance to them, and J's daycare.  My dad still comes to my house every morning to pick up J and take him to daycare and then brings him home at the end of the day.  And I get less help being further from them.  But the houses near them are more expensive and quite a bit older (30 years).

Agents know I'm looking in this neighbourhood and contact me every so often - after I once again settle into the fact that I really like my house.  So my parents both went to see a house this week on the street next to their street.  They liked it, but it's missing obvious things that my current house has - plus the bedrooms are much smaller, as is the kitchen.  It's also a condo so there are extra monthly maintenance fees.  There isn't a walk out to the garage and the laundry room is in the basement (I hate going into a basement!!!!).  I just saw they are having an open house today - I may run over when J wakes up and I take him into my parents' house for lunch, just to confirm that it's not the house for me.

J woke up early....will have to finish this blog next week...

What a week!  I'm so glad to be heading into March, my favourite month.  I'm nearing the end of J's Saturday car nap, so I better try to get a blog in and catch up on my reading.

I still cannot stop thinking about poor Elijah Marsh (today was his funeral) and the bitter cold night he was out in only a diaper and t-shirt.  Every morning, as I walk into school fully dressed in winter wear, and thinking about how cold it is, I start to cry about how much the cold must have hurt his little body.  And when SR says "I'm cold" as she gets out of the bath, or feels it on her fingers, I now find myself telling her, "No, you don't know what cold is."  And yet, I'm always cold...always chilled....but I truly don't know cold.  So sad.  So terribly sad.

My SR had a bit of a bad spell last night.  In her defense, she was likely tired and is fighting a cold.  However, her little verbal attacks at mommy took a not very nice turn.

Lately, whenever SR is frustrated or angry with me she will call out things like:

• You're a mean mommy.
• You're a BABY.
• That's a mean voice.
• I'm going to spit on you.
• I'm going to kick you.