The Clock Finally Started Ticking

As 2014 comes to an end, I pause to reflect on my year gone by and my year to come.

In 2014, I had a 3 year old and a baby - I was severely sleep deprived - I sold my condo and bought a townhouse, I moved into my parents' house with my children while waiting to move into my house, I went back to work still severely sleep deprived, I started drinking coffee!

Let's start with the latter - who starts drinking coffee at 38 years old?  Isn't that like someone who starts smoking cigarettes after high school?  I had already beaten the common addiction - people who need coffee to start their day.  I just always functioned on my own.  But then, severely sleep deprived, while staying at my parents' house and waiting for my house to be ready to move in, I would come downstairs in the morning and my parents would tell me they made extra coffee.  And so I started to drink it...and it tasted yucky, so I added a lot of sugar.  And then McDonalds and Tim Horton's started selling their iced coffees for $1 all summer, so I drank a couple of those each day.  And now I own a Keurig (although I only pour my own Maxwell House coffee into the myKcup and I don't use the pods) and make my own travel mug of coffee to take to work each day.

I sold my condo due to too many issues - and the fact that I thought I would be getting more sleep if J-Bear could have his own room.  And I bought a townhouse - I love it but it's farther from my parents than I was before and I have less help - but J-Bear still sleeps in my bed even though he has his own room.  The house is lovely.  But I still scour Realtor.ca every morning looking for what is available near my parents - plus the exact model of my home is currently listed for 100K more than what I paid 7 months ago...if they get that money, I may consider listing just to make the $100K.  We are happy here - J-Bear and SR have space to run and play.  J-Bear has taught himself to go up and down the stairs - he literally practices going up a few, and then turns around to go down on his bum (instead of backwards).

While on my maternity leave, I studied online a different teaching style - upon returning to work this past September, I threw myself fully into Whole Brain Teaching and I haven't looked back!  I'm proud to say that my zest for my job is back and better than ever, compared to how low I felt when I left in 2013.

Parenting two kids is HARD!  Especially when J-Bear is sleeping in my bed, and I'm called by SR in the night - I have to make sure J didn't hear her in the monitor, layer my side of the bed in pillows and quickly leave and keep SR quiet enough that J doesn't hear her.  If he hears her, then we are awake for hours.  Frankly, I'm not sure how I have learned to survive and function of so many days of so little sleep.  I'm sure I lose my patience with SR more often than I would otherwise.  She is just so strong willed sometimes.

My parents have been my rock this year.  They helped me pack and move twice (three times if you count my dad packing up my classroom when I went on mat leave), they let me and my children live with them temporarily, they helped me with a downpayment so I could afford my townhouse, they babysit when I need to shop or go out with one of the two kids, and my dad comes every day to pick up J-Bear and take him to daycare near their house (my old neighbourhood) and then brings him home again at the end of each day.  They take J-Bear to countless doctor appointments during the work day to check on his wheezing and coughing. But how do you thank your parents taking care of their adult daughter and her children.  My parents don't like to go anywhere or out to eat.  How many bags of licorice can I buy my dad before I need to get more creative?

I find myself thinking so much about the circle of life and getting older and one day not being here or people I love not being here.  I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so fixated on this, but it devastates me.  Maybe because I have these two amazing children who are my everything, who depend on me as much as I depend on them.  Maybe because there is a local family in the Greater Toronto Area (Thornhill) who lost their 7 year old daughter after 2 years of battling cancer - She is a local hero here for getting recognition for the onematch.com bone marrow cheek swab - Sarah Watkin if you are interested.  How does a family carry on after a loss like that?

I also frequently revist the scariest 30 seconds to 1 minute of my life this past October when we went with friends to a local pumpkin farm.  It was a beautiful day - not typical October weather at all.  We were in one of the sandboxes and SR crawled through a tunnel.  I saw her and I saw that my friend saw her too.  And then, she was gone!  GONE!!!  I scooped up J-Bear and I started frantically screaming her name.  All I saw were a sea of adults looking at me, thinking "she lost her kid, I wouldn't want to be her."  I was panicked.  My friends were calling for her too.  I kept thinking "I'm never going to see my SR again...my beautiful, smart, funny, sweet SR is gone!!!!!!"  And then, there she was, one foot in front of where I last saw her.  She went from the tunnel into a little house.  I don't really know how she got by me.  And I grabbed her and hugged her and she had no idea I was calling her.  She was so wrapped up in her little role playing that she didn't hear me call her.  Later that night, after her bath, I scared her a little.  I told her that I thought another family had found her and had taken her home.  And she wouldn't have liked living there because they wouldn't know that she needs her Ernie to sleep or just how to tuck in her covers, or that she likes egg for lunch cut in three pieces.  And she cried and cried.  What would I do without her?

My biggest challenge these days is TIME - I can't get work done at home.  By the time I get J-Bear to sleep (after SR) in my bed by nursing and nursing and talking on the phone (he needs my voice now), I have to come downstairs, clean up from dinner, and make SR's lunch just a certain way.  It's 10 or later by the time I'm finished.  I never get to watch TV anymore at night and I am behind in full seasons of my shows.  And I am finding it hard to plan for the new grade that I'm teaching this year.  Forget about marking at home.  Report cards took me an extra week past my deadline.

I wish I was more efficient at preparing meals, cleaning up meals.  I want to spend more time with my kids.  I feel like I never see J-Bear....so I don't feel terrible about sharing a bed with him.  He wakes up and my dad takes him to daycare after I dress him.  He comes home and eats dinner.  He plays with SR while I clean up a little.  Then I read with SR.  Everything he learned, I credit his school with - which I know is not true.  But I wish I had more time to spend with him.  I need to make more of an effort to stop what I'm doing and just enjoy him and how lovable he is.  He's got a huge personality.  J-Bear is a real ham.  He's so affectionate with everyone.  And SMART!!!

I better get to bed...or wait until the new year and then get to bed...J-Bear will be up soon to nurse :)

My resolutions will be:

• to Blog more (again) - I miss it soooo much!  
• To try to sort through J-Bear's baby toys and both kids' clothes that we don't need anymore.  
• To be more patient with SR (it's hard to want attention from one parent and compete against a baby).  
• To spend more real time with J-Bear.
  
   Happy New Year!!!!
  

I wrote this before SR's 4th birthday and didn't manage to publish it on December 28th.  Here it is now.




Dear SR,

My beautiful, creative, imaginative, shining star.  I can't believe it's been 4 years since you were placed in my arms - a bundle of personality!

From the first moment I held you, all I could think of was the Kevin Henkes book, Chrysanthemum.  You were absolutely perfect, and you needed a name that was absolutely perfect - and I threw away the list of names I had decided on and debated about which name would suit you.  And your name, SR, is absolutely perfect.

You were a wonderful baby - you ate, you slept, you never got into any mischievous, you learned, and you role played.  From a very very young age, you role played with anything you could get your hands on.  And here you are 4 years old, and still miss Dramatic - role playing with dolls, paper, a piece of fluff on the floor.  You are either going to be a writer, an actress, or a lawyer :)

You are the very youngest Junior Kindergarten student - all of your friends/classmates are already 4 and on their way to age 5.  You were just fine holding your own with your peers as a 3 year old.  You understand number, time, shapes, solids, and language.  You can correct your own grammar, tell me which primary colours make secondary colours, and recall things that you've read or seen.  You can even make connections in proper context - "mommy, my tummy hurts in the same place as my uterus."

You clearly articulate all that you are feeling - you hurt my feelings when you..., I didn't like it when you....  You have the cutest expressions - grown up in a little girl's voice - "certainly, I'd like to do that." "why yes of course I'd like to have..."  You tell me when I'm preoccupied - "mommy, look at this."  "I am looking..." "no you're not."

You love to sing and dance and read.  You are finally taking an interest in writing and colouring/drawing with more than one colour and making more than just a circle on a paper - now at least you might make two circles :)

You dearly love J-Bear.  He sometimes touches your stuff or tries to take my attention from you.  But at the end of the day, you are selfless and thoughtful.  You cry and apologize profusely when you think you have caused him any harm....but you just as easily can act like a sister and put J-Bear in his proper place, with you in charge :)  At nights, when he wants to sit on my lap during your turn, you thoughtfully move over to share, or you sit on your stuffed dog so J can sit on my lap.  You tolerate him messing up your room and your books, and you teach him everything he needs to know.  The two of you have a great time causing mischief.

I love your zest for life.  You are so excited about everything:  about learning, friends, music, shows, princesses.  Your daily outfits are a long sleeved t-shirt with a princess shirt over top.  You know what you are scared of and you insist that I return Frozen to the library, even though it is our own personal copy.

At your birthday party, you were the perfect hostess.  As each of your friends arrived, you found them a seat at the craft table and introduced them to whoever was in the next seat.  This was without any prompting from me (as I was preoccupied with your brother).

You were also in total shock that Ariel was at your party - and your vibrant personality disappeared for a bit - maybe instead of talking about the fact that we invited Ariel and would she come to your party, I should have prepared you more by saying she was coming.  So sorry!


 

Happy birthday my dear SR.  I love you so much.  You are my very closest friend.  Sometimes we argue with each other (today you screamed at me that "I am very very very mad at you mommy"), but no matter how mad you get at me, I will always love you!



Love, Mommy