Coming Into My Own

I originally saw this idea on someone else's blog a month or so ago. I wanted to do it, but I don't know that blogger all too well. So, i actually forgot about it until I saw it a few weeks ago on my BH's blog. 1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying "Interview me." (And your e-mail address, please.) 2. I will respond by e-mailing you 5 questions. I get to pick the questions. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to these questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5. WHen others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them 5 questions.

1. What's the least amount of time you've known a guy before having sex with him?
I'd known DD about a month and a half before we slept together. I don't have a self-imposed time limit (i.e. 3 months or 3 dates) on having intercourse, like some women. I just wait until it feels "right." With the exception of DD, it felt right after several months. Or, in the case with CO, we didn't sleep together until years after we met one another, but that situation's a bit different. Anyway, the funny thing is that DD's the only person I regret having sex with, not because the time span was quicker than with others but because the main reason I slept with him was because I was lonely and he was a good enough (or so I thought) fill-in.

2. What's one thing, if any, that you haven't done sexually but are tempted to or want to try?
I'm tempted to try anal sex. Like a lot of people, a large part of me is scared because of the pain associated with it. My minds says, "Something that big is supposed to go into something this small?!" But, the other part of me is curious. I've seen heard people act like it feels so good. So, I mean, i wanna know for myself. A large part of does think it'd be more pleasurable for the man. That being said, I'm not having anal sex with someone I don't trust; you gotta be gentle back there, and some men are a little too... zealous. I have to know that he's going to at least consider how it feels to me and not just whether it's good to him. For example, if DD had approached me about it, I'd have flat out refused and never entertained the conversation again. On the other hand, I know CO's into it and I trust him completely. So uhm, yeah, I suspect that sooner than later, my curiosity will be satisfied. I just gotta get past the pain perception...

3. What are you like when you're intoxicated? When was the last time you got drunk?
Well, I've never been drunk before. But, I have been at the point where I know one more drink would take me over the edge. When I get there, I become mute. I only really drink with my friends, so I go from gregarious and talkative to nearly silent. The reason I do this is because I'm trying to do the most basic of functions--- listen, walk, remember where we are, etc. I feel like if I try and do anything else, I'll fall apart.

4. Say you asked your significant other an important question and you knew with absolute certainty that his answer was a bold face lie, what do you do about it?
Calmly collect all evidence that I know he's lying to me and confront him with it. It's easy to respond to something right off the bat. It's something else to play dumb and surprise him with all the facts. I'd like to say I'm giving him time to show a reason for lying (i.e. he was trying to surprise me), but really I'm just waiting to show him I'm hip to the lie. I'd also confront him about it at a time when I know his defense is completely down. Oh, for instance right after we've had sex. Yeah, that'd be perfect... ;-) Thanks, BH, you've helped me formulate a plan of attack if this situation ever happens to me!

5. What's a memorable embarrassing moment in your life?
I had a really hard time with this one when I first got your e-mail. As an adult, I haven't really been embarrassed all that often. However, I do remember when I was in high school, my Latin class went on a trip to Dallas. I didn't have to pay to go, but I did need money for food. Well, my mom didn't have any money to give me. I remember my uncle giving me like $5, but deep down, I knew that wouldn't be enough. Well, somehow, I ended up with like $12 or something like that. My friends and I ended up going to Hard Rock Cafe and I got the cheapest thing on the menu. I'm pretty sure it was an appetizer. Nowadays, an appetizer costs nearly $12, but back in '98 or '99 the price was cheaper. Anyway, as I went to pay, I knew I needed more money for at least something to drink on the drive back to Tulsa. So, I sat and waited for the waiter to bring my change, which probably nothing more than a dollar or two. I remember my friend whispering to me that I should just leave that as a tip and we should leave. She didn't mean anything by it, of course. She just didn't know I didn't have any more money after that. But, it was still embarrassing to know that I had to wait for that change.

Don't worry, Ladynay, the answers to your questions are coming soon! I'm feeling a whole lot better than I was last week, so I'm able to actually give thoughtful responses to your questions. until next time...

is it so difficult to find a decent dentist? so, i went to see a dentist today about my toothache. i ended up having to call the first dentist on the list of dentists closest to my apartment. obviously, this is not the ideal way to go about seeing a dentist. anyway, i took the day off from work just in case they were able to do the work that day. although the office was close to my apartment, i hadn't seen it before. after getting turned around, i find the doctor's office which was in a shopping center. as soon as i saw that, my heart sank. i don't know, i just don't trust a doctor's office that's next to a Radio Shack. but, i go in anyway. i wasn't in pain, but i knew i needed to get to the root of the problem. so, i go in and let them know i'm there for my 11:30 appointment. i knew something was off because the women at the front didn't really greet me cordially. they said hello and then went about their day. i felt just a little... unwelcome (not sure that's the right word, but it's the best i can come up with). it kinda reminds me of the way the staff at my school treat non-Hispanic people. as a matter of fact, with the exception of the dentist, everyone working was Hispanic. anyway, they say hello, good morning and all of that, but it seems less genuine. anyway, i get all my paperwork done and go in the back and get my x-rays done. now, i knew she was taking x-rays, but the technician didn't tell me that's what she was doing. she just put those cardboard things in my mouth, draped the protective aporn over me and told me to look forward while she took the x-ray. after that she left. she didn't bother to tell me where she was going, when the doctor would be in, etc. after a while, the dentist comes in and does a visual exam of my teeth. she then leaves and i'm left sitting in the chair for about 10-15 minutes. while i'm waiting, i hear the doctor and one of the employees talking about yoga and Pilates classes.

then another woman comes in and doesn't tell me who she is or what her role is before telling me what the doctor said i needed. turns out the tooth bothering me needs to be extracted and although it's in the back, it's not far enough in the back, so i'll have to get a bridge to replace the missing tooth. now, i kinda suspected that would be the case. this tooth has been damaged for a while and i hadn't been able to get it taken care of. the thing is, it hadn't been bothering me. anyway, in addition to that, i need to have a few cavities filled, a crown put on the tooth i had a root canal done on a few years ago, and a cleaning. after insurance , i'll have to pay over $3000 for everything. the bridge itself is about $2200. needless to say, i don't have money to cover everything. then the woman tells me about care credit, which i already have. (care credit is a credit card exclusively for medical work that you have to pay out of pocket. they allow you to use that and icur little to no interest.) the thing is, i never use it and destroyed my card long time ago. she says they can call and check on the limit for me. she goes to call and then comes back a few minutes later and says care credit needs to confirm that i'm in the office. so, i go to the phone and the rep. asks me for my social security number, whether i own or rent my home, and what my income is. i then tell her i already have care.credit, i just needed to see what my limit was. the rep. says she understands that, but that the woman told her i wanted to increase my credit limit! of course, i'd said nothing of the kind. i go back to the chair and the woman gives me a computer printout of my available balance. so, it looked like she'd been able to print that out on her own and that when she saw the available balance was well below what i needed to pay, she took it upon herself to call and ask for an increase. so, that was strike two.

let me backtrack as to the 1st strike: the dentist herself never came back and explained to me what i needed to have done and why i needed it done. in fact, the hygienist just told me what needed to be done and how much it would cost and seemed to assume i'd just say ok without question. now, i could see the dentist not coming to talk to me if she was, i don't know, working with other patients. uhm, how about i was the only person there!! the office had about 4 chairs, so she was the only dentist working there. yet, she was able to chat it up about Pilates and yoga classes.

so, i ask the hygienist to give me a written accounting of everything she said i needed to have done. the last dentist i went to gave me a very detailed list of the work i needed to have done. it told the name of each service, my cost and how much the insurance company paid. you know, it was professional. now, my current works a bit differently than the last. with the plan i have now, all services have a fixed cost as long as you visit a provider in the network. so, i wasn't expecting the new office to show the insurance company's payment. i was, however, expecting a print out of what i needed. so, why did this heifer come back with a hand written accounting of the services i needed. she didn't even bother to write it down in layman's terms. no, she wrote it with abbreviations and the price of each service. i then asked if her if my tooth would continue to hurt until i had the tooth removed. she told me yes. i then asked if i had an infection and she confirmed this. uhm, why did i have to ask these questions? i then asked if they could give me a prescription for the pain until i was able to figure out how to cover the costs. she said sure and went and asked the dentist for a prescription. again, why wasn't this given to me from the jump?! that was the last straw; i was too through with the office. it was clear to me all she cared about was getting my money. in fact, she kinda pressured me to go ahead and put everything on my care credit account, presumably i wouldn't have to use my own money. in reality, i know she wanted to get the payment as quickly as possible.

so, i went to front to check out. when i go to pay, tell me why the receptionist was using a calculator to come up with the total for the "work" done?!! a calculator. after she took my debit card, she then proceeded to write a receipt on one of those little books with the carbon copies! i went ahead and paid an appointment to get the cavities filled and cleaning. i don't plan on ever going there again, but just in case i can't get in with another doctor, i at least wanted a back up. oh, and how about the receptionist wrote down appointments in a paper appointment book! i mean, what kind of dentist's office does that? this is 2009, not 1959!

after i left the office, i almost burst into tears. i guess it was just the shock of the cost and not knowing how i'd take care of it. but, then i started praying and felt more at peace. i also called my aunt and told her about it. i feel better that things will work out just fine. i'm not sure how, but they will.

until next time...

i can't believe it's only Tuesday. well, we're on the cusp of Wednesday. regardless, it feels like the week's been longer than this. today was the fifth day of Stanford testing. i'm tired of it and so are my students. thankfully, tomorrow's the last day. i'm also just out of sorts physically. it all began with a terrible toothache i woke up with at 4:30 in the morning on Saturday. since i don't keep pain medication at home (i keep sinus meds, but of course they weren't going to work), i got up at 5:00 and went to Kroger to pick up some Tylenol. given my state, i looked an absolute mess, but of course i didn't care. once the pain subsided, it was time for me to get up and go to a tfa professional development event. i didn't feel bad anymore, just tired. anyway, the event turned out to be really beneficial and i took away some things that i could use in my classroom the next day. over the course of the weekend, my toothache went away and then returned in another area. long story short, i've been trying to schedule an appointment with a dentist. after my awful root canal experience, i'm not willing to go to someone who hasn't been recommended. of course, the good doctors are either out of my network or booked until March. as it stands, i don't have an appointment, but i will have one by tomorrow. it wasn't until Saturday night when i woke up with a knot in my stomach after dreaming about what happened when i had my root canal that i realized just how badly that experience affected me. i also read my post from then and it caused me to re-live what happened. anyway, i know i have to get over that and move forward so i can have a healthy mouth.

last week i was supposed to hear back re: a summer position with t.f.a. i was supposed to hear a yay or nay about an interview. since i didn't hear anything, i e-mailed to see what was the deal. well, i found out today that my application was in a sort of holding pattern b/c i listed that i couldn't do the atl and houston institute. but, they'd finally assigned me to the houston institute and i'd hear a decision within a week. *sigh* that's all well and good, but they needed to at least tell me that. anyway, i'm not sure if i'm going out of the country at the time i originally planned. i haven't heard back from my friend yet, which isn't really much of a surprise. she's infamous for going m.i.a. anyway, her lack of response isn't why i'm not sure if i'm going. it's just that i need to save as much money as possible to prepare for my next stage in life. i don't have a summer gig secured (yet), so i'm trying to be extra cautious with my money.

speaking of next steps, i had a 2nd interview with a the principal from new orleans. since i'm feeling kind of "blah," i wasn't really looking forward to an interview. i didn't feel like saying the right things, being insightful, blah, blah, blah. i just wanted to come home and lay it down. at any rate, i don't know what to make of the conversation. he said he hoped to speak with me soon. the last time we spoke he gave me a concrete time frame. but, it's whatever. what will be will be. in the meantime, i have another initial interview with a kipp school in NO. i'm also not really feeling that interview either. then again, even before i was feeling off, i wasn't hyped about it. i guess b/c i'm not 100% sure i want to work at a kipp school. it's funny b/c at one time, i thought i did. now, i'm not as gung ho. well, we'll see how it goes on friday.

on a happier note, Valentine's Day will soon be here! t-giving is my favorite holiday. but, v-day is a close second. yeah, yeah, yeah, i know a lot of ppl think it's overrated. and, yes, you should show pppl you love them each and everyday. i get all of that. but, i like the cards, hearts, flowers, etc. more importantly, i like giving them to people. one year when i was in college i sent every member of my family at home a valentine's day card and i sent my mom flowers. i loved being able to do that. everyone was so very happy. I'm thinking I'll do something like that again. i've got something in mind for CO as well. I'm not too sure about that one, though. for some reason i'm still wary of the whole gift giving thing. i know i like to do it and he'd at least appreciate it. anyway, I also have a soap project in mind. I just have to make sure i order the stuff as soon as possible. For Christmas, I dragged my feet, and didn't get it done in time. i have to do better this time around.

Ladynay, BH, and D-Place: i owe you all posts. i promise i'll get to them when i'm feeling more like myself. All 3 posts require some thought and I'm just not in the thinking mood! :-)

until next time...

• yesterday i was talking to my class about what the inauguration meant and i asked them questions to discern what they knew about President Obama. so, i asked them if they knew were he and his family lived before moving to D.C. and into into the White House. one of my students exclaimed: "The Black House!" i about died laughing before informing him that the Obamas had not, in fact, once lived in the Black House.
• i'd been worried about paying for my student loans once my time w/ tfa is over. (and if i don't go back to grad school.) tfa is also an americorps program, so i'm able to defer student loans while i'm a corps member. of course, once i'm an alumna, i won't be able to defer the loans and they will go back to repayment status. being in an americorps program also means i receive an education award that i can for future study or to pay for existing loans. i received my education award last july and promptly applied it to existing loans. ok, so flash forward to yesterday when i decided to calculate exactly how much i'd have to pay per month for my loans. i called citi.bank and the man told me that my loan was in repayment (turns out i'd forgotten to ask americorps to send a forbearance request) status. at this, my heart skipped a beat because i hadn't been making payments. yet, i hadn't received any letters or calls letting me know my account was past due. then the rep. told me that he showed my account being paid until november! i guess what happened is that when my education award was sent, they automatically applied the amount to future payments since the amount was well over my monthly payment. ok, so once that was out of the way and i had my monthly payment, i calculated that my next education award (to be received in july) will pay my loan for 13 months! and, if i go ahead and make one payment with my own money this year, it'll be applied to december's payment. so, i'd actually start using my americorps award in january 2010 and it would last until january 2011! by that time, i should be earning more, so my student loan payments won't be a burden to me. as soon as i figured this all out, i was so grateful to God! i hate, hate, hate having to think so much about money and now that is taken off me for a while, i feel so much lighter!
• speaking of student loans, i need to go ahead and get my diplomas framed. i've managed to keep up with my Spelman diploma, but diploma from UCSB.... eh, not so much. i have no idea where it is. in all fairness, it was mailed to me in a non-descript envelope while i was in Tulsa. so, between moving from Tulsa to ATL and then to houston, it got lost in the shuffle! anyway, i e-mailed to find out how to get a replacement. turns out it'll cost me $22 and there's a 2-3 month wait time. but, it may be for the best. i was researching framing costs and it is not cheap. the framing i want will run $140. so, between shipping and handling, and the framing cost, i'm looking at over $300 in costs. so, if i get one done first, the amount of money will hurt less. but, you know, it's something i need to do. what inspired me is a friend of mine who graduated from law school in '07 and just had her undergrad and law degrees framed. she was telling me that we need to let people know about these accomplishments instead of just keeping them to ourselves. and, you know, she's right. not that it needs to be done in a bragging fashion, but they're things that not everyone has done. my playing small is not serving me or the world at large. anyway, i'm also considering having CO's law degree framed for him as a graduation gift. but, i don't know... i've never spent that amount of money on someone i'm dating. i mean, what if we break up?! lol... i'm laughing, but i'm also half serious. hmmm...maybe i'll just give him a gift card to best buy... just kidding!
  
• ok, so in Noto.rious (which i saw on a calm Monday morning) there's a sex scene btw. the ppl playing BIG and Lil' Kim. she's on top and before they cum, she tells him she wants him to get on top. he manages to tell her no. at that i couldn't help but laugh out loud and say to the friend i went with, "of course not! he'd crush her!" i'm sorry, but if it was me, ain't no way he'd be getting on top! there are just too many other positions. LOL! ok... let me stop poking fun at the deceased.
• my kids start the Stanford exam this morning. when i'm giving the test, i'm not planning to look at their responses. while we've been practicing for the test, when i see them mark the wrong answer to things i'm 100% sure they know, i flip out! what kills me is that as soon as i repeat the question and force them to look at the choices again, they say "Oh!" and immeditaely mark the right answer! uhm, clearly i can't do that when they're doing the real test. so, i'm planning to just not look at their responses. it's better for all parties involved.

until next time...

"...why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath." I'm not an especially emotional person, but everytime i think about the latter part of that sentence, i can't help but tear up. yet, though we've come a long way, we still have a long way to go. Happy Inauguration Day!

so, this afternoon i went to my soap making class. it was pretty cool. the instructor is a self taught soap maker who has her own business online. there were about 10-11 other people in the class. there was a good mix of young, old, and middle aged. there was also a cantankerous old man who seemed to have an opinion or addendum to everything the instructor said. some of his questions were legit, but at times it seemed like he didn't really trust what she was saying. anyway, she covered a lot of information that i'd actually read about in the past. she mentioned companies that i researched and was familiar with, so that was cool.

we did two projects. the first was cold process soap. cold process soap looks most like soap that you purchase in the grocery store with one major exception: homemade soap still has glycerin in it. glycerin's a humectant, which draws in moisture. what they do with commercial soap is remove the glycerin and sell it as another product: lotion! so, that's why sometimes when you use commercial soap after taking a shower your skin feels all dry. also, with homemade soap, you're able to control exactly what goes in the soap, be it the fragrance, the oils, butters, etc. it's esp. useful if you have sensitive skin. anyway, she showed us how to make cold process soap, with her demonstrating some things and us do a few other tasks. i was glad that she showed us what to do because with gold process soap, you must use lye. really, all soap is made of is lye, plant oils and butters (i.e. palm oil). of course, lye is dangerous and can blind you or leave you with nasty chemical burns if it gets on your skin. in fact, lye is a major component of drain cleaners. (and to think i was once putting lye in my hair when i was perming it!) she did the actual pouring of the lye into the water, but we got suited up in our protective googles and gloves and after it cooled (lye mixed with water gets very hot), we helped stir so that the ingredients would actually become soap. the instructor then poured the soap into individual molds for us to take home. but, we can't use it quite yet. with cold process soap, you have to wait 6 weeks for it to cure. During the curing process, most of the water used evaporates. The curing process makes sure you get a harder, milder, longer lasting bar with a rich lather. This is what a basic bar of cold process soap looks like:


the other project we did was a fun melt and pour project. melt and pour soap is a lot easier than cold process soap. with melt and pour, you don't have to deal with lye. your soap base is already created. all one does is melt the soap in the microwave (or double boiler) and pour it into your mold. there's all kinds of melt and pour bases. the most popular bases are: clear, white, hemp, aloe, honey, shea, and goatsmilk. with melt and pour, you add colors to it, glitter, and stuff like that. you can do those same things with cold process soap, but with melt and pour it seems... easier. melt and pour also seems to be the soap of choice for cute soap projects. so, that's what we did in class: embedded a toy in a bar of soap. to do that, each one of us melted our own clear glycerin soap, added color, fragance, and some glitter and poured it into a mold. this is what i made:

cute, isn't it? :-) i'm sorry if the lighting is too dark. so, that was my soap making experience. it was cool and i really enjoyed it. it's so funny that i enjoyed it, because i'm not really into the crafty things. interestingly, the instructor's looking for an intern to assist her with projects and whatnot on weekends and some evenings. she listed the responsibilites and it seems like a good opportunity to learn more. i'm thinking i might e-mail her and get more information about it. i don't know, though. i definitely don't want to bite off more than i can chew.

oh! i almost forgot to share a funny story. so, while we were on break, i went on a hunt for a vending machine so i could get a snack. while in the hall, one of the janitors was trying to get at me. so, he asked me the usual: how old i was and if i was single. i told him i had a boyfriend. he asked how long we'd been together and i told him. then he asked, "so, how long have you been faithful to him?" for a moment i was in suspended belief. i mean, i heard the question, but i couldn't believe he would be so bold. so, i asked him to repeat himself, he chuckled and actually had the nerve to repeat the question ! i've heard some crazy things before, but that took the cake!

until next time..

• my grad school applications are over and done with! well, when you only apply to two schools, that's an easy feat. be that as it may, i just have to sit here and wait until March or so on a decision.
• i'm supposed to have a chat with the principal for the charter school in New Orleans tomorrow evening. it's not an interview and he mentioned it not taking anymore than 15-20 minutes. i really don't know what we're going to talk about. i guess he's trying to get a feel for me and my interest in his school. we'll see...
• last night i went to p.f. chang's after a futile search for less expensive chinese food. i got my food to go b/c for some reason changs is poppin' on a wednesday night. while i'm waiting on my food, i get my usual drink, Grey Goose and cranberry. uhm, tell me why i felt slightly tipsy after one drink?! i got home, ate dinner, and before i knew it, i was knocked out! now, when my friend and i used to go iut and drink, she'd accuse me of having a wooden leg. but, you know, that i think about it, i haven't drank since before going home to Tulsa.
• i'm taking a soap making class on Sunday! i'm excited, but also a little nervous that it'll turn out not to be worth my time and money. but, one of my goals this year was to get serious about the bath and body stuff. so, i'm happy i made a step in that direction.
  
• i haven't called my father in over 2 weeks. i'd been calling faithfully every Sunday. but, the past few Sundays i really hadn't been in the mood for it. i don't know, i guess i just didn't feel like i was getting much from it. at any rate, i'll give him a call on Sunday, just to keep the door of communication open. one reason i'd been calling him was because whenever i do have kids, i want them to know their grandfather, esp. since they'll never get to meet my mom. but, you know, now that i think about it, i'm not sure what kind of grandfather he would be. i mean, if he can't manage to call his own daughter, what's he going to do to stay connected with his granchild(ren). deep down, i know i have to act on my other goal to be more vocal and tell him how i really feel.
  
• i got an e-mail from one of my best friends from college. well, it was facebook message. i got her message after experiencing some mild annoyances first thing in the morning. her message had me cracking up. i had to pull myself together before my kids came into the room. anyway, her e-mail made me think about the great friends i have. i love, love, love having friends who can send me an e-mail that feels like we're sitting face-to-face.
  
• this week, i'd been doing well with going to be at a decent hour. i'd been going to bed at oh, 12:30, 1:00 a.m. seeing as i have to be at school by 7:40, which means i have to be up at 6:15 (at the absolute latest), this bedtime was not a good look. i'd been feeling more rested, but not necessarily more willing to get out of the bed. it's not that i dread going to work. it's just that i don't feel like going through the rigamorole of the day. i don't feel like preparing for Stanford, i don't feel like telling kids to be quiet in the line, etc. yet, there are still moments i wouldn't miss for the world. i've been teaching them about MLK Jr. this week and you know, most of them knew nothing about him, Jim Crow laws, the montgomery bus boycott, etc. today we neared the end of our chapter book on MLK and i was so impressed with their recall of what we read and their application of the concepts.
  
• my knees and ankles have been killing me lately. i feel like a little old woman. i don't know what the problem is. the school nurse mentioned that it was due to the weather. i don't know about that; i've never had this problem before. i'm thinking i might need to go ahead and see a doctor. i really don't want to do that, but the pain's becoming annoying.
  
• this is inapppropriate and probably TMI, but there are some married people i see, namely at work, and you know i can't actually imagine them having sex. i mean, i'm not fantasizing about these people. i can't just imagine them ever getting some. lol...
• you know, i'm sick and tired of hearing people complain about the opposite sex. yes, there are issues between the sexes. that is life. we must get over it. how about actually working on just making things better. please stop complaing about the things men and women are (or aren't) doing! i guess it's so annoying for me because any issue i've had with men, i haven't charged it to him being a man. i charge it to his character (or lack thereof), not his gender.
  
• this is so petty, but it irks me to no end. this week i've been stopping at jack.in.the.box for breakfast. i like a sausage biscuit, plain. no eggs, cheese, sausage, nothing. i tell this to the woman every morning and for some reason she can't seem to get this through her head. she just assumes i want that nasty egg and cheese. i've have to tell her 3 times before i pull away that i only want a sausage biscuit. is that so strange?
• oh, apartment living! so, last week i decided to actually use my dish washer. now, mind you, i hadn't used it since i moved here a year and a half ago. for some reason, i don't like dish washers. but, i've been slacking on dish washing and i read it was more green to use the dishwasher. how about the thing didn't work? so, there's a high likelihood that it never worked. so, i called in a work order for that. i also asked them to put weather strip on my front door partially because when my neighbor smokes outside his door, i can smell the smoke wafting through my door. so, they come and fix the dishwasher and put on the weather strip. uhm, how about after they did that, i couldn't lock my front door from the outside! i had to get my UT application off by Monday night so that it arrived by tuesday. of course, this required me to leave my apartment. so, i had to leave it unlocked. and then i had to leave it unlocked when i went to work the next morning. when i returned, i could lock my door again, but the weather strip was taken off. so, i guess it's like, sure you can have weather strip, but you won't be able to lock the door! clearly, i can do w/o the weather strip, but it shouldn't be an either/or situation.
  
• i applied for a summer job w/ t.f.a. again. after last summer's horrendous experience, i'm hesitant. i'm not even sure i'll get an interview, let alone the actual job. but, if i do get the position, i know a lot more about asserting myself. i have the potential to work in atlanta, houston, philly, nyc, la, and chicago. however, i do not want to stay in houston this summer. if i had my way, i'd work in atl. but, the way tfa works is that you typically work at the insitute where your corps region is. so, since i'm a houston corps member, i'd be in the houston pool. well, that is unless you have a conflict. so, i stated on my application that i'd be out of the country when houston instiute begins. nevermind that i don't actually have a date set for my trip to amsterdam.... :-)

ok, that it is all. it's waaaaaay past my bedtime! until next time...

so, i was on Facebook a few minutes ago, and saw that a friend of mine had joined a group honoring a former teacher, Tyrone Wilkerson. Tyrone was my middle speech and drama teacher and is truly one of the best i've ever had. some of the lessons he taught us still stick with me. he passed away a few years ago and i wrote a post to honor his memory. so, i decided to join this Facebook group. i click on the link and lo and behold what do i see but my post from May 2006 as well as the picture i posted to accompany the post! the group creator did credit me, by posting the link from my blog! i felt some type of way when i saw this. i don't know how to describe it. see, i don't let anyone i know have the link to my blog. i like to keep some things just for me. i mean, i did go ahead and post a picture of myself. but, that's only because i felt confident no one i knew in real life also read my blog. but, when you have a link to your blog posted on Facebook, well, that changes things...potentially. people may (or may not) be inclined to click the link and poke around. i mean, that's what people do on the Internet. then again, the people i know who might join the group are people i knew in middle school and high school. so, they're not people i'm close to anymore. so, i guess it doesn't matter if they stumble across this blog. then again, maybe it does. until i make up my mind, i'm taking my picture down. it's funny how i don't care if complete strangers see my face and know my thoughts, but i become concerned when acquaintances and old friends might do so. i even contemplated asking the group creator to remove the link to my blog. i mean, i'm glad he gave credit where it was due, but uhm, i don't want people to necessarily know i have a blog.

ok, this was a random post, but i had to share! until next time...

I'm so glad the weekend's here! The work week was a little rough. we're in the midst of preparing for the Stanford exam which students take in two weeks. let me first say i despise the Stanford exam. ok, despise might be a strong word. what i hate is people's lack of knowledge of what the test means. the test is given to 1) measure a child's progress over the years or 2) give an idea of how that student performs in relation to other students within a representative sample. for me, it's most important for my students to score to score at least on grade level. for first grade, that means they need to score 1.4 on the tests. the 1 corresponds to the grade level and the 4 corresponds to the number of months we've been in school. the test is also used to help identify GT kids, so there are items on the test that aren't grade level appropriate. for example, the math test has questions where students are adding or subtracting 3 digit numbers with regrouping. of couese, these are things that 1st graders frankly don't need to know. at this age, they need to master basic math facts. the fact that i still have kids adding facts like 6+3 on their fingers makes this painfully obvious. so, instead of understanding that the test doesn't cover everything students are expected to know, what my school (and others, i'm sure) does is try and teach the students everything that will be on the test. i can understand why one might do this. you want your students to do well and you don't want them to become frustrated when they don't know how to do something. but, i also kinda feel like this is inflating test scores.

see, when you operate this way, you can wind up with students scoring above their grade level. of course, this makes the teacher look like the best teacher in the world if her students score well above grade level. at my school, the students in the bilingual education classes (students whose instruction is given mostly in Spanish, with a period of ESL instruction) regularly score at like 6.5 in reading. at first i thought they were really good reading teachers. that is until i found out just how challenging it is for students to learn to read in English. people read in Spanish by syllables, which in English you have to know phonics and letter patterns. most patterns are predictable, but others.... ehh, not so much. for example, the "ea" pattern's found in many different words, but it doesn't always make the same sound. that pattern appears in leaf, steak, and thread, but of course those words don't all make the same sound in the middle. this week, my students learn the "ar" (i.e. car) and "or" (i.e. torn) patterns. they looked at my like i was crazy when i told them world, work, war, and earth are spelled with those patterns but they don't sound they way they're spelled. so, i give that quick phonics lesson to say that reading in the two languages isn't comparable. however, the assistant principal at my school fails to really understand that. so, she operates under the belief that the bilingual teachers are better than the English teachers in part due to test scores.

as for me, i'm still not on the standardized testing band wagon. i see that the merits, but what really irks me is ppl who don't understand how to interpret them and look at underlying factors. but, you know, in spite of this experience i know that i can count this as a learning experience. if i continue to teach for a 3rd year or work in a school in another capacity, i have more of the ideal school setting for me. and if, by chance, i end up in a school leadership position, i can draw on this. yesterday i got an e-mail from a principal from new leaders from new schools who's opening a charter school in new orleans this fall. my resume was passed on to him and he was interested in speaking with me. that's cool, but i had a lot of questions for him as well. i don't mind working for a startup school, but i do mind working for one where i don't trust or respect the leadership.

alright, i'd better close here. i meant to go in one direction with this post and it took on a mind of it's own! until next time...

ok, so i should be in the bed right now. tomorrow marks the start back to school, complete with students. (today was a teacher prep day.) however, my mind is still in denial and thinks i'm on vacation. when i'm super tired tomorrow, i'll be slapped back into reality. while i'm not quite ready to go back to work, i am kinda looking forward to seeing my students again. i count it a blessing that this year i have a great group of students. they have their moments, but by and large, they're pretty fantastic. what i'm not looking forward to is the rigamole of teaching. but, such is life. it's hard to believe i'm coming on the completion of my 2 year teaching commitment. as the new year has began, a lot of different things have been rolling around in my mind. i planned to blog yesterday, but couldn't really get the post to come out in print the way i envisioned it in my mind.

in December, i was reading over my blog and it was amazing to see the things i'd come through as well as the things that are still issues. at times, it was painful for me to read over the things that happened over the past few years. i forced myself to read about the times when i was so very stressed out, i broke out in a severe rash and my hair started to fall out, i remembered the times when i had no money, a step away from having utilites shut off, my uncle wiring me money because i didn't have enough between paychecks to pay for gas and food, when things fell apart with Mr. NRN, and other situations. but, after the pain subsided, i was so very thankful that life is much better now and that i learned a lot from those experiences. i wouldn't be the woman i am today if those things hadn't happened. and, you know, there's also a part of me that's hungry about ensuring those times never happen again. now that i think about it, i was probably mildly depressed, but didn't know how to address it. anyway, i say all of that to say reading those old entries and reading what was spoken and unspoken, allowed me to see some patterns in my thoughts and ways of exsisting. so, i'm kinda using those to set... not resolutions... i don't really do resolutions. but, more like things i want to focus on this year. so, here goes...

1. So, last year i said i planned to contact my father. well, i did that. now i have to work out a way of interacting with him that doesn't feel so one-sided. as it stands, i do all the calling and visiting. he talks a lot about making changes to the phone, so he can call me long distance. i don't really buy it, since well... it hasn't happened. anyway, i need to figure out a way to let him know that he needs to step his game up. i did seek him out, but that doesn't mean i need to make the most effort.
   
2. Explore more fully the soap-making & bath and making of body products. That's something that's really interesting to me, but i hadn't made the time to explore. I let work and other things get in the way.
   
3. Travel outside of the country. My friend's living in Amsterdam right now, and I already told her i'd come to visit. The only question now is when I'll actually make the trip. I'm leaning towards going at the end of May, right after school's out.
   
4. Treat myself to "just because" gifts. For some reason, i've been hesitant to do things like go the spa, get massages, purchase expensive things for myself simply because i want them, and just do things that aren't a need. If a buy something that's not a need, i usually feel gulity about it. i have to stop that. i work hard and i should enjoy the fruits of my labors.
   
5. Be more bold. I'm a thinker and as such, i keep a lot of my thoughts to myself. sometimes, that's best, because i also tend to have a sharp tongue. other times, i really think i need to show that tongue more often. case in point: i now see that my summer job experience would've gone better had i spoke up and told my "manager" what i thought of her and her management style. in a professional way, of course. but, ppl treat you the way you allow them to treat you. so, i must be better about being crystal clear on what i'm feeling about the way things are going.
6. Sometimes, i feel like i'm giving more in my relationships with friends from high school and college and CO. The thing is, I like to check on my people and do little things for them from time to time. I like connecting with people and letting them know they're in my thoughts. I don't do things for it to reciprocated all the time, but there are moments when I actually become angry about the lack of reciprocity. i mean, i could just shut myself away, but that's not in my nature and quite frankly, i don't want to live that way. but, i know i have to find a way to reconcile these feelings and get more of what i want. the thing that makes it tricky is that all of my friends lead busy lives and i don't want to come across as overbearing or insensitive. *sigh* just thinking about this gives me a headache, but i'm sure i'll forgive it out.
   

ok, so these things aren't necessarily quantifiable, but they're things i'd like to work on this year. until next time...

Happy 2009, everyone! It's been nearly 2 weeks since i blogged. I've been in Tulsa, spending the holidays with the family and friends. it's been an enjoyable trip, but it's coming to an end tomorrow morning. my aunt and i are making the drive back to Houston in the morning and school starts back on Tuesday, although teachers have to be back bright and early on Monday morning.

Christmas Day was nice. it was more low-key since we don't have any little kids and my brother's 17, so he's past the getting all hype about gifts stage. we had good dinner. i ended up cooking 3 casseroles. i typically do one and a dessert. but, my aunt was busy cleaning the house, so made her green bean casserole and i made my grandmother's usual sweet potato casserole since i wanted to get them all out of the way before my aunt from Ft. Worth arrived to take care of the turkey, dressing, and cranberry sauce. on Christmas Day i spoke with one of my great aunts. it seems my grandmother'd been talking to her about be going to D.C. for the inauguration. my great-aunt says if she took care of the fare, would i be able to get off from my job. it seems she'd found a ticket for about $300. how she found this, i'll never know. the thing is, typically i would be able to just take some time off from work. but, i remembered that my students are taking this big state test the week of the inauguration. at first i thought that i needed to be there to administer the test. i talked to another teacher about it, and she basically advised me to take the "ask for forgiveness, not permission approach" and tell the principal i wouldn't be there to give the test. see, the school does have ppl to administer the test in the event i can't be there. well, i took a few days to mention this to my grandmother, but i haven't heard anything about the inauguration since. she may have gotten fed up with me! lol...

anyway, after dinner and talking to my family, i went to see my father. i'd been to see him very briefly the day before to drop off his gift. i wasn't going to get him anything at first, but decided to give him a current photo of me and my sister. hmmm... in hindsight, that may have been a little narcissistic. lol... BUT, my rationale was that he doesn't have any photos of us as women. i saw pictures of the two of us when we were like 4 and 5. clearly, we're well past that stage. so.... why wouldn't be like it? ;-) anyway, while i was over there, i felt more and more grateful i'd grown up with the family i did. he lives with his girlfriend (who i gather is more like his common-law wife) and her daughther was over their apartment. the girlfriend introduced us and said we were step sisters. of course, in my mind, i know i only have one sister. but, ok, whatever. anyway, i pretty much like to observe people, esp. ones i don't know very well. anyway, they were talking about a lot of random stuff. and then they started talking about white people, but they called them peckerwoods and acted like they were the devil. now, i know some Black ppl talk about White ppl like that. it was just unsettling because i didn't grow up like that. i mean, my family isn't on some kumbaya, there's no such thing as racisim vibe. but we all have friends of different nationalities, including White ppl and it hasn't been an issue. it was just unnerving. anyway, while we were sitting there, we heard some kids running and yelling outside the door. well, it turns out they're the children of another daughther. 3-4 of them come in the room and i'm thinking that's all the woman has. oh, no, several more come in and it turns out she has 8 kids! to top it off, she didn't look that much older than me! so, as we're sitting there, the girlfriend tells me "you have a lot of family. we got 21 grandkids!" i just smiled and nodded. deep down, though, i don't feel like they're any family of mine. meanwhile, my sister and i sit her with zero between the two of us, with no plans to have any anytime soon. i don't know, maybe i was being a little stuck-up, but i can't imgine what my life had been back like had i grown up that way. and i was thankful, once again, for having the type of mother i had. anyway, after that i went back to my grandmother's nice, peaceful home. lol...

not much happened between Christmas and New Year's. i read three books, one of which was fantastic. the kind of work Geoffrey Canada's doing is what i once envisioned doing. i'm not sure if i've gotten sidetracked or just realigned my goals. at any rate, it was very interesting to read about what that type of work actually looks like in the planning and start-up phases. it also really opened my eyes to questions i need to ask if i decide to teach at a brand new charter school in the fall.

i was my brother's chauffeur to and from his place of employment while at home. lol... every time i look at him, i'm amazed. he's growing up to be such a smart, well mannered and handsome young man. one thing that has me worried is college. so, he took the ACT a few months ago and got his scores earlier this week. when he showed them to me, i became sick to my stomach. he did not do well at all. with those scores, he can't go to college. i did feel better when he told me there were parts he didn't get to complete and that he'd be taking it again in February. he mentioned going to community college in Tulsa before going to a four year school. that's an option, of course, but from what i've seen too many people don't actually go on to the 4 year school. then again, i don't have a lot of experience in this. all of my close friends went straight to four year schools. anyway, i told my brother he really has to take the test more seriously. i don't know if he understands just how important test scores are when it comes to college admissions.

i'm thinking about getting a new cell phone later this month. i was considering a Blackberry, but i don't know. i don't think i'd get as much use from a Blackberry, esp. considering the cost. i'm leaning towards an IPhone. the thing is, i'm a Sprint customer and my contract doesn't expire for another year or so. i got my first cell phone through Sprint and haven't changed since. a lot of ppl complain about them and i must say their customer service sucks. but, outside of that, my plan is affordable and exactly what i need. so, i'm unsure if i really should change carriers (and pay that $150 fee for breaking the contract), just for a new phone and an ultimately more expensive cell phone bill.

however, later this month, i am expecting a financial increase. yay! HISD has a performance pay system. basically, teachers receive money for now their students perform on state tests from the previous year and the amt. of progress they achieved. for whatever reason, the money isn't actually paid out to us until late January. when i saw how much i was getting a few weeks ago, i was shocked. last year, i didn't get anything since i didn't teach during the 2006-2007 school year, so i really didn't know what to expect, especially since value-added performance pay seems more applicable to the upper grades.

on New Year's Day, two of my friends from high school and i drove to Oklahoma City to visit another friend from high school, her husband, and their two little boys. true to form, we left almost an hour late, decided to stop at Wal-Mart to purchase a few things for the boys, and thus arrived about an hour and a half after we were supposed to get there. but, we had a really good time. it's funny how much things change while still remaining the same. their little boys are the cutest things in the world. one is 14 months and the other is 4 months old. (yeah, if you do the math and you'll see their birthdays are less than a month apart. needless to say, the 2nd child was a surprise!) it was a perfect start to the new year.

i was planning to blog about goals for 2009, but this post is long as it stands. i'll be back in the comfort of my own home on Sunday, so i'll blog then. until next time...