Coming Into My Own

whew! so much to blog about... so little time.

these past few weeks have been... a doozy. the Saturday before last, while making my way to Houston to get my hair done, my car suddenly died. i was about an hour outside of Houston, going about 60 mph down the highway, when my check engine and oil light came on and the car started slowing down. i was able to pull over to the side of the road and then the car wouldn't start. Roadside assistance came and towed it to the nearest facility. unfortunately, the place was about to close and wouldn't be able to look at it until Saturday. since i was an hour away, i had to wait about 5 hours for JE to come and pick me up. now, i have an extended warranty on my car, so i wasn't too worried about the repair cost. as long as it was a mechanical issue and not a normal wear and tear issue, it would be covered. i've had to use them a few times over the past few years and every repair has been covered.

well, that didn't turn out to be the case, this time. the man from the facility called me on Monday and told me that my timing belt had failed. my first thought was, ok, well, put it back on. smh... turns out that it's not that easy. when a timing belt fails while operating, on a car with an interference engine, it can cause serious damage to the engine. now, if you have a non-interference engine, the damage is less catastrophic. guess what kind of engine is on my car? yep. an interference engine. the mechanic then asked when I had the timing belt replaced. i couldn't recall when I'd had it done. turns out that i should have had it replaced around 100,000 miles. my car has nearly 120,000 miles on it. i called my usual repair place and it turns out they recommended it be replaced last January. i'm usually very attentive when it comes to repair work on my car, but this one slipped through the cracks. and it's going to cost me because my extended warranty will not cover the repair work since I didn't have the belt replaced.

so, that leaves us with finding out just how extensive the damage is. the mechanic i spoke told me last Tuesday that he'd call me the next day with an estimate. he said that given his experience, the cylinder head usually needs to be replaced. but, he didn't yet know the extent of the damage. anyway, Wednesday came and went with no call. I called him on Thursday, and he said he'd call me later that day. no call. it's been nearly a week since he said he would give me an estimate and i haven't received a call with a cost estimate. he hasn't said it, but i get the feeling that he doesn't think i can afford the repair work, probably because i tried to get my warranty to cover it initially. no matter, i won't be doing business with them. tomorrow, JE and I are renting a U-Haul to get my car and bring it back to Austin. I can't do business with a place that will withhold information for a week. Plus, I'd rather take it to my local facility that does good work and who I feel comfortable with.

for most of last week, i was a bundle of nerves. i stressed myself out so much that my chest started aching. not good. not good at all. i was stressed for a number of reasons. first, i had no idea how extensive the damage to my car is/was. all reports i read about engine damage from a failed timing belt indicated that it would cost me dearly. now, i have a decent savings set up, but it's not enough to cover the worst possible scenario: i need a new motor.

the suspense of waiting for the mechanic to give me an estimate was tearing me up. i even went to a local car dealership and test drove a PT Cruiser. do i want the car? no. but, it was reasonably priced and i wasn't sure if it would be better to just get another car. also, i hate car payments with a passion, so if i had to get a car, the payments needed to be as low as possible. the payment plan they came up with was good, BUT they failed to write down the interest rate. when i got home and calculated it myself, it was way too high. they'd said that since my credit was good, they'd be able to get me a good rate. nope. on top of that, my car is actually in good shape, even though i bought it 2005. i've been the sole owner and the thought of giving it up pains me. i know i won't be able to get another car like that for the price i want to pay.

last week was also the last week at my new job. some of my job duties for the week included driving to various campuses, so i needed a car. that job was only 15 minutes from my apartment, so JE could and would have taken me, but I had to rent a car for a few days. :-( so, that was an additional. Oh, on the plus side, I found out that Hertz offers low rates for people whose car are being repaired or were in an accident and need a rental, but need to pay out of pocket.

anyway, i was also feeling down last week because I try so hard to get things right, all the time. i know that's impossible, but i still make the effort. so, it bothered me to no end that all of this could have been avoided if i had the timing belt change, as recommended. i didn't know the importance of it at the time, and felt like I should have asked.

 for some reason, i constantly feel the need to be on top of my game. all the time. and that hasn't been happening lately. i wasn't on top of it with the car  maintenance. i took a job that wasn't right for me and am going right back to my old job. not on top of it. i feel... embarrassed about not having enough money amassed or a really good paying job that would allow me to handle the expense of getting my car repaired without it taking such a toll on me. i already have a thing about money. and by thing, i mean that it stresses me... a lot. even when there's enough, i worry about needing more. i check my bank accounts nearly every day, just in case. growing up, we had just enough money or or a little under enough. never more than enough. i guess i'm on this quest to more than enough and it feels just out of my grasp. i'm wearing myself out with this preoccupation with money.

deep down, i know that my need to always have it together is ridiculous and can drive me crazy. but, i can't help feeling this way. i'm trying to learn to be ok with having a perfectly imperfect life. i just wish it wasn't so damn hard. i wish i didn't feel the pressure to have it together.

for his part, JE has been good for me during this time. he came and picked me when i got stuck in Giddings. He drove me to and from Houston the next day so that I could have my hair done. He waited until today to mention that maybe I should try to find a local stylist. lol... i knew he was thinking it, but held his thoughts to a more appropriate time. he'll be driving the uhaul tomorrow... on one of his off days. the past few weeks have really shown me the importance of companionship. and that he doesn't think I need to be perfect all the time.

my post title implied that there's some good... and there is. my friends and i went to Vegas this weekend and it was amazing. I'll blog about that later this week. ;-)

until next time...

update on the employment situation. so, last Friday, i emailed my former boss and told her my new job wasn't a good fit and that i wanted to know about the possibility of me returning. she called me on Monday and we talked about my concerns with the job and how returning would be different. i explained that the new role was very isolating. i didn't mention the salary issue. i then told her that if i returned, i'd like to focus on expanding the work and not simply doing the most basic aspect of the role. she basically told me that I'd need to apply for the job again, but that she and the director were in support of me returning. i submitted my application and while i'm not guaranteed the job, it's looking good.

meanwhile, i'm just pressing forward at my current job. the past week has been spent working on a district wide survey. the survey is supposed to measure the customer service of 70 departments and sent out to different groups at my job. the survey creation is tricky because each department has the choice to send questions about their department to any of the 10+ groups. the software that we have is limited for such an extensive survey, so it's been a long, mind numbing process. let's say that, on average, each department wants to send surveys to 10 groups. that means i have to create questions 700 times. now, i am able to copy and paste old questions, so it's not from scratch. but... it is a looong process that i've hated.

on Friday, my current boss started looking the surveys over and told me she was sorry, but she just found out that we needed a different scale. The scale I used was a seven point scale (that was used on the previous administration of the survey), but we needed four (strongly agree, agree, disagree, strongly agree). I calmly said, "ok," but internally, i wanted to scream. you mean to tell me that the scale i've used to create all of these questions needs to be changed?! She said she would change them on Saturday and to not worry about it. However, later that day, i wound up changing some of them. the reason for this is that we're supposed to send the survey out on Monday when we return from the break. Frankly, this timeline is laughable. The whole survey process has been a clusterfuck. At my old job, the timeline wouldn't have been so accelerated and several people worked on the district wide survey.

If I end up staying there, we'll definitely need to talk about communication and respect for work and time. I've noticed that my new boss is the type that sort of laughs off challenges and does what needs to be done to get work accomplished. actually, that's indicative of the entire organization. it's a large(r) organization that still operates like a small organization.  in some ways that's great, but in other ways, it's frustrating. A part of me wants to stay to help with establishing smoother processes and better communication. the larger part of me says, nope! I don't have time for this shit.

I've been stressing about resigning, if that's what ends up happening. i'd prefer to leave, effective immediately. i know that's incredibly unprofessional. what i want most of all is to take a week off and just chill out completely, with no responsibilities. a friend of mine encouraged me to take a vacation after completing my dissertation and i wished i had listened. i feel like i've been going from one thing to another. working on my dissertation, starting a job full time, starting a business, looking for a new job, starting a new job. i'm tired.

on top of that, i'm struggling with the fact that I'm very restless. I've been toying with the idea of returning to the classroom. I miss the students. I'm starting to worry that I'll never find my dream job. I enjoy program evaluation. I enjoy teaching. I enjoy making bath and body products. I like academic research. i want to do all of these things. but, i don't know how to balance them in a way that will leave me fulfilled and paid very well. i feel like i'm always having to choose one or two things. and then i get bored. rinse and repeat. there has to be a way to stop the boredom, which would make the rinse and repeat cease.

until next time...

The other option is to go back to my old job. (The position hasn't been filled and my former co-worker said that there aren't any prospects. My former boss and the director of the department also told me that I could always come back.) Yeah, I know, who does that? Goes back to their old job? I didn't leave my job because I hated it. I left because I thought I'd be able to advance here. Hmmm... I'm not sure that's going to happen. From what I can tell, there's no plans to grow this department anytime soon. I have a lot more variety in my work, but that means more work with less pay. No bueno. Going back to my old job also means the return of 45 minute to 1 hour long commutes each way. I will say that only having to drive 15 minutes to work has been a blessing. This has also meant that the amount I spend on gas has decreased, but not enough to make up for the difference in pay.
until next time...

so, i started the new job last Monday. So far, so good. It's a lot different than my last job. No lie, I've been missing my old co-workers. My last day at my old job was rough. When I was turning in my keys and ID badge to my (now) former manager, we both were tearing up. When I got to my car, I bawled like somebody had died. Apparently, I've gotten soft. I didn't used to be this much of a sap. While no one died, I do realize that I was leaving a part of my life and a sense of community behind. And, that's hard and kinda scary. It takes me a long time to warm up to people and situations, and it seems like once I finally got comfortable, it was time for me to leave.

I just took the weekend off before I started the new job. And, before I started, I prayed for a sign that I was meant to be there. I mean, I knew I was supposed to go. But, I was feeling like I made a mistake. It's taken a while, but the signs are appearing. It's crystal clear that my current boss really does need help. My first week, I jumped right in working on a project that was due a week after my first day. I wasn't responsible for all of it, but for key components and the report was submitted today. I've since moved on to other projects that have been on the back burner for a while. Needless to say, I'm always busy, which is a good thing. At my old job, I had an inordinate amount of down time; I was looking for something to do at times. Not at this job!

My new supervisor is the type that just allows me to work and checks in periodically. When I do talk to her, she comes across as... nervous. Part of it is the stress that she's under. But, I also think she and the others in our division are still trying to figure me out; this comes with the territory of being an introvert. The administrative assistant only comes to our department once a week, and I can already see that she's going to work my nerves. Smh... She's very... nosy. In my heart of hearts, I know doesn't mean any harm, but it makes me uncomfortable. Last week, she yelled over the cubicle divider and asked how old I was. Uhm, girl, what?! Who does that? Luckily, I had my headphones in, so I could pretend not to hear her.

I'll be honest, I still haven't given up on the idea of working for myself completely. I'm glad to have this job with its increased responsibilities and opportunities. But, as I sat through the HR training, I was turned off by rules and regulations. I generally don't like HR departments because they seem to be all about telling you what's not allowed. But, that's what happens when you're on someone else's payroll and time.

Speaking of age, I turned a year older yesterday! I honestly can't believe that I'm 31. Friends from elementary and middle school posted on my FB wall, and mentioned stuff from waaaay back in the day and it hit me that I've been friends with some of them for 20+ years. Like, how did this happen? Where did the time go?

Anyway, my day started off with JE covering my eyes, leading me into the kitchen, where a red velvet cupcake was waiting, with a 1 candle on top. I asked what the 1 was for, and he said it was because I was the #1 woman in his life. :-) There was also a very lovely card. Lowkey, I LOVE cards, almost as much as gifts. I went to lunch with my co-workers and they gave me cards with gift certificates to Barnes & Noble and TJ Maxx/Home Goods/Marshalls. My blog husband took the day off from harassing me and gifted me three books to help me with my bath and body business. I'm sure he's still itching from the allergic reaction produced from being nice. :-D I heard from several family members and friends throughout the day. And, when I got home, JE cooked a nice dinner, and we... did some stuff after dinner. ;-) This time changes has really thrown me through a loop; I fell asleep around 8:30 and didn't wake up until around midnight, and couldn't fall back asleep. Overall, a great birthday!

Until next time...

It's (almost) my birthday! To celebrate, I'm giving my customers a gift... 11% off your entire order! Just go to www.headoverheelsbb.com, pick out some awesome products, and use the code ELEVEN11 when you check out. Easy peasy!

I submitted my official letter of resignation last Monday and it was a lot harder than I imagined it would be. The week before, I told my immediate supervisor that my new employer was in the final hiring stages and would be calling her for a reference. i could tell she was surprised and disappointed, but she took it well, and gave me a favorable recommendation. the next step was telling the director of our department. i had this conversation with her, along with my boss today. while the conversation went well, it was tough. eyes watered. sad faces that were quickly covered by smiles abounded.

 i've talked several times about how my job wasn't challenging enough and that i was bored. all of that is true. but, i rarely discussed how much I enjoyed my department. and, honestly, this job was a Godsend when I started three years ago. At the time, JE and I were struggling financially, and I took on a second job because I had to do it. I kept the job even when things improved because it provided financial stability, was good exposure to the field, and my co-workers are great. They've supported me almost my entire doctoral experience, and my immediate supervisor was actually at my graduation party. Honestly, I've never worked in a department that has been more collegial, welcoming, and smart. Oftentimes, you'll have one or two of those characteristics, but not all three. In fact, I even felt a little guilty about being bored. I mean, how can you complain about boredom when you work for a great department, you know?

But, the feeling that I could (and should) be doing more didn't shake. The only problem with this department is that it's difficult to really move up to a managerial position. When I was hired full time, my job title and projects changed, but my responsibility level didn't. The problem with having a great department is that the director and supervisors don't want to leave. The department's director has been in the position since 1996, if that tells you anything. So, while I know in my heart of hearts that I am making the right decision, I still felt... sad(?) about leaving. 

This month has been a particularly tough one for JE and me. I can't pinpoint the exact problem, to be honest. It's just felt like we were on two different pages for the entire month. I wonder if Mercury's retrograde has anything to do with it. We're both hoping November is much better.

I went home to Tulsa last weekend. The visit was too short, but it was good to see my grandmother and brother, and one of my best friends. I miss living close to family. For the past month, I've been missing my mother so much. While driving to Houston a few weeks ago, I cried half the way there because I felt so overwhelmed and wished I could talk to her. Not because she would necessarily have all the answers or because she had experienced what I was going through, but just because I wanted to talk to my mom.

While in Tulsa I also spoke at Career Day at a local high school. I attended a magnet school, but this high school would have been my home school.. Some of the kids were a little... wild, but all and all, I enjoyed it. I mainly spoke about my new business and my educational experience and then opened up the floor to questions. Being there renewed my desire to be a mentor. That was actually something I put on my vision board, but hadn't gotten the chance to do just yet. It also made me missing teaching a little, if only a little bit. God knows I wouldn't want to teach high school kids today.

The guy that asked me to come actually was in my high school class. So, he asked several other class members to speak; it was good to see so many of us doing well in our respective careers. that weekend also marked the centennial celebration of my high school. I went to the homecoming game and was quickly reminded of why i hadn't been to one since 1999. Too many people. It felt like 90% of Black North Tulsans were at the game. That being said, it was good to be there. My high school has such a rich history and alumni have a huge since of pride for the school. So much pride that people rep their high school almost as hard as they do the college they attended. I miss feeling truly connected to a community.

The only downside to the trip was dealing with one of my aunts. She irks the hell out of me just on GP, but her substance abuse just pushes me over the edge. She has such great talent and to see it all wasted, and the stress it places on my grandmother, pisses me off. She's such a leach--- emotionally, financially, mentally. My aunt and I had a verbal spat, but I was actually kind of glad we did. She needs to know that I'm another person who isn't here for her bullshit.

Business is slow, but that's to be expected. My goal was to get the business started. But, I hadn't set any goals or thought about how to market myself. It sounds kind of backwards, huh? Maybe so. Right now, I'm working on refining my personal brand and using that communicate my business. so, everything is happening just as should. Slowly, but surely. I'm at the point now where every aspect of my life doesn't have to be planned at least five months out. I'm just enjoying the moment.

until next time...

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A few weeks ago, I interviewed for a position with another local school district. The interview went VERY well and I walked out feeling like a) I would take the job if offered and b) they wanted to offer me the job right then and there. I've only felt that way about a job twice in my life and both experiences turned out very well. On Tuesday, I got a call with the job offer, but the salary information wasn't available from Human Resources yet. So, she calls me yesterday with the salary and... it's much lower than what I expected and what I earn now. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. The woman who interviewed me said she agreed HR did not calculate it correctly and said she would call them and get to the bottom of the issue. I also provided her with my current salary as a comparison. She called today and HR is not budging. :-(

So, I started looking more closely at the numbers. The district I work for right now deducts (mandatory) payments into a retirement plan (all school district employees in Texas pay into this) and they also deduct Social Security. that means, i pay into two retirement plans. (and, yes, I understand that the Social Security isn't a true retirement plan.) that also means a large chunk of my money is taken every month. now, the new school district only deducts the TX retirement plan. no social security. so, i'd be keeping a little over 6% of my money, making up for the loss of income. in fact, i calculated it out, and I'd end up making $71 less per month. That's not bad and it won't put me in a bad spot financially to do without that money. but, it's also the principal of the matter. My qualifications exceed the minimum requirements for the job and I should be compensated accordingly.

Now, at this point, you're probably asking yourself, why is this even a dilemma? what's the point of taking less money? That's a good question! Well, the (potentially) new job is 15 minutes away from my apartment. it takes me 45-60 minutes (each way) to get to work now. it's not so much that i live so far away from my job, it's the fact that Austin traffic is horrible. It's in the top list of places with the worst traffic in the entire country. There are just too many people in the city and the city is just not meant to handle it. And, my commute takes me down two of the busiest expressways in the city. so, the commute issue is a HUGE selling point for me. the fact that i could be home before 6 pm every night is incredibly appealing. i'm tired of spending so much time in my car every day, fighting against traffic to get home.

also, the new school district is smaller than where I currently work. so, there's more of an opportunity to do the work that i really like doing and making more of an impact. the woman who would be my new manager, actually used to work in my current department and said that she'd never come back here. she (like me) likes the people, but feels that the new district actually cares more about kids and not a bureaucracy and that she's able to spend more time just doing her job and not sitting in meetings getting nothing done. she also said that this role could really be what i make it, and that i'd have opportunities for leadership, which is what i've been craving. i've been at my current job for three years, and have done the same thing, just with different projects. my current manager is great, but since she's been in the district so long, people automatically defer to her, even though we work on projects together. i always feel in her shadow. and i'm ready to be seen as a true leader.

honestly, this is the first time i've ever been in this position. i've normally taken jobs because i had to do so. now, i have a job that pays pretty well, but isn't the best for me professionally. and i have the chance to take a job that doesn't pay as much as I'd like but could be great for my career.

until next time...

guess who made her first sale last week? me!!! :-) One of my aunts has been gifting/introducing people to my products for the past year or so. several weeks ago she asked me for a product/price list because she and her friends were interested in orders for the holidays. i hadn't heard anything, but expected them to contact me once we got closer to fall. well, one of those friends emailed me last week. she ordered the largest sizes of three different products. the first product, whipped sugar soap,  she had used before and the other two (shea so soft body butter and butter love body balm) she hadn't tried. no website. no pics. just descriptions. and she still wanted the largest size possible. i almost started crying when i got her email. (I don't know what the deal is with crying lately. I'm NOT prone to shedding tears.) I guess it was validation that I'm on the right track. i'd been worrying about my pricing strategy as well. i mean, my software was showing me that i would make a profit and took into consideration all costs. i just thought the prices were a little expensive. but, guess i was taking into consideration what i can afford and that's not the best way to think about it.

i went to brunch with my two friends that i met in my doctoral program and one of them gave me a great business idea for expanding Head Over Heels. I can't say what it is because someone might steal the idea. this blog doesn't get many readers, but you never know. anyway, it was so funny that she brought it up because when i saw my tarot reader last spring, she brought up the same idea. the thing is, i have no idea how to make it happen. and, honestly, it's only something i would only do if i was more established. but, it's a great idea, nonetheless.

a few weeks ago, i was freaking out because i thought i needed a product photographer. i wanted the photos to look perfect, but couldn't afford a full time photographer. so, i posted a FB status about it and got a few recommendations of people who do photography on the side. i touched base with one guy that was recommended and we communicated via email about him doing the work for me. he immediately agreed and we set a date (this Saturday). for some reason, i'm getting this feeling to not work with him. i didn't get a bad vibe, per se. and maybe i'm having a cheap attack and thinking i should just use my phone and get it done. i've been looking at small companies that sell similar products and almost all of their pictures aren't professional. some are better than others. but, the thing is, they're making sales. so, maybe i just need to bite the bullet.

I finally had professional labels created! For years, I've either created labels using Vistaprint or just wrote everything by hand. Vistaprint was an ok option, but the label sizes are limited. writing them by hand was sooo annoying and i hated doing that, but it was cheap. so, i asked the woman who designed my logo to create some labels. I found the right kind of labels at onlinelabels.com and will just print them at home. it took a while to get them designed, BUT they are done. Here's what they look like: 

You can't see it, but the sides have the ingredients, directions for use, and contact information. I wanted something clean, modern, but also allowed me to make it personalized, which is why I asked her to leave a fragrance line. I'm offering 30 or so fragrances, which means everything needs to be made to order. I mean, I'll create an unscented base, but the color and scent will be made to order.

Now, my mindset is shifting and orienting towards the fact that I need to step my ingredients supply game up majorly. In the past, I'd buy a pound or two of something like shea butter and that would be enough. that won't work anymore. i need to order much larger sizes, which means more money from me upfront. I know it must be done, but a part of me is hesitant to spend the money. but, i know i need to do it because it's cheaper in the long run.

at the same time, i'm thinking about various products to add to my line. room sprays, body sprays (just to name a few). the only thing holding me back (again) is the cost of purchasing those supplies ahead of time. sigh... money, money, money.

my first customer also gave me a cute idea for a newsletter name. Of course, I don't have any subscribers yet, but I had been thinking about a newsletter.  the question is, what content would go in the newsletter? I'm thinking of highlighting a specific product, introducing new products, offering a discount code, and....?? What kind of information do you like to see in a monthly newsletter?

So much more I want to talk about. But, it's time for bed. until next time...

starting a business (the right way) is not for the faint of heart. people don't know all the behind the scenes efforts that must be done right. creating labels per FDA, getting sales and use permits, opening accounts, ordering supplies, product photography, the list goes on and on. and, since i'm not selling anything, all of these this is being funded by my personal funds.

Last Friday, I was on the verge of tears while driving to work, which is significant because I'm not really a crier. There wasn't anything majorly bad that happened. I was just tired and frustrated by a series of things that weren't quite right, both personally and professionally. I started to wonder if all the effort was worth it. This is the first time that I've done something that doesn't have an clear pay off. I'm investing a great deal of time and money into getting this business off the ground and who knows if it will be successful.

at the same time, there is a sense of fulfillment in starting a business and doing something for myself. answering only to me. this morning, i told JE that I was tired of working for other people. he said he felt the same way. honestly, i think that's part of the reason i wanted to cry last week. i guess i'm just ready to move into something new, but i'm stuck at the moment. it's an uncomfortable position.

on the plus side, my PCOS is getting under control. I've been on particular medications to treat it, and the blood work that came back today shows that the medication is working.  I'm still seeing some physical effects of this condition, but at least the blood work is changing, slowly but surely.

while at work, today i decided to watch (well, listen) to Spike Lee's When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Parts. In hindsight, that may not have been the best idea. It's so angering to see (again) how the people of New Orleans were treated pre and post Katrina, and all because of  faulty engineering. Anyway, the documentary made me think about a family I met who evacuated from New Orleans to Tulsa. Back in August 2005, I was working for the housing authority for the city. After Katrina, the housing authority took in New Orleans residents.

Three families were assigned to my complex and I became acquainted with one of them fairly well. a man, woman, and their two elementary aged sons. the man and woman had lived in New Orleans their whole life and said that when they went to the Superdome, they fully expected that they would return to their home later. Instead, they lived in the squalor at the Superdome, got on a bus in the middle of the night, headed to someplace unknown, with nothing but the clothes on their back. they ended up at Camp Gruber in Oklahoma, and finally wound up in Tulsa. part of my job was to help them get situated by connecting them with various services in the city. Oftentimes, I had to drive them around until they felt comfortable taking the bus. So, we would talk and I just loved their New Orleans accents. But, I loved their spirits most of all. while they were obviously in shock, they were still pushing forward and you could tell they loved one another greatly. I even stayed in touch with them after i left that position. however, as time went on , we lost touch with one another. I would think about them every time I went to New Orleans and wondered how they were doing.

So, while listening to When the Levees Broke, I decided to do a Google search. And, I found a story about them in Tulsa's newspaper that was published in December 2011. It turns out the man had a heart attack and died suddenly while at work one day in August of that year. He was the primary earner for the family and they had struggled since his death, so the family was being featured as a needy family who would be receiving services from the Salvation Army for Christmas. As soon as I read that, I burst into tears at my desk. It just broke my heart. They'd been together for 22 years. I can't imagine losing all Earthly possessions and then to lose your partner.

until next time...

A few weeks ago, I finally submitted my application to the state for a doing business as (DBA) certificate. for now, i opted to go for the sole proprietorship structure instead of an LLC. An LLC is just too expensive and my reluctance to spend the money was holding me back from getting the ball rolling. I checked the mail today and Head Over Heels Bath and Body is officially registered with the state. :-) I chose that name a while ago, but was holding out on announcing it.

and here is the logo. I had a team (which included my blog husband) give feedback on the design and this is what i finally chose. next are business cards and printing of labels. I can't wait to get labels printed! They will be the final professional touch that's needed to set everything off. I'm planning to officially launch on October 1, but I do have some interested in placing holiday orders now.

the past few months have been all about the business aspects. Tax ID numbers, business insurance, domain name purchasing, setting up a business email, etc. It's tiring especially since I have a regular 9-5, but I enjoy every moment. next step is to set up a business account with my credit union. i mean, i'm still using my personal money to pay for everything right now, but I want to get in the habit of keeping the two accounts separate.

when one of my aunts called me last week and asked for a price list because she and some other people were interested in making purchases for Christmas, it got me thinking about something I didn't want to think about... determining a price structure that doesn't leave me in the hole. i'm good with details, but suck at math and so the thought of calculating every aspect of overhead was freaking me out. sooo... I bought this software. As you can see, it was not cheap BUT i used it last night to price my first six products and baaabaaaay, it is a game changer!! I could automatically see what pricing structure would be the most profitable, how much I can expect to make if i offer case, volume, and discount prices and so much more. and all at the click of a button. now, it did take a lot of set-up in the beginning as far as entering data about raw materials, packaging, etc. but, it is so worth it. Seeing those numbers also really helped me feel confident about my pricing and empowered me to know I'm making sound financial decisions. in the past, when people bought things, i guessed at a price that i thought was fair. key word: thought. i had no idea if it was truly fair to me and the buyer. now i know.

aside from the business, i'm feeling incredibly restless. last Friday i stayed at the office until 6:30 trying to get a data mystery figured out so that i could submit a count of students at particular schools. no one said i needed to stay that late, but i'm the "stay until it's done type." work has been busy for the past few weeks (especially with school starting tomorrow), but it i hasn't been challenging or rewarding. i mean, i guess there's the challenge of staying on top of things and making sure everything gets done. but, each day that i'm doing my job, i feel... disconnected. my work has a purpose, but i don't feel inspired by my work at all. i'm just doing a job. i work with great people, but i can't shake the feeling that i'm not meant to be there. it's also crystal clear that i'm not using all of my skill sets. and, i'm using some skills that i don't like using. for example, i have to organize 10 testers to work at 64 schools at test nearly 3000 kids in a time span of about 4 weeks. i'm more than capable of doing the work well, but i always walk away feeling like i'm just tied to the oar.

anyway, when i was walking up the stairs to our apartment last Friday night, i thought, "you know what... i really could just walk away from Austin and never look back. there's nothing holding me here." sure, i have a job and i just signed a new lease. but, i can do this same job elsewhere, and one of the main reasons i work is to pay for this apartment. in other words, they are things that i don't necessarily need to be in Austin to have. over dinner, JE and i had the best conversation about our lives. he'd just come back from the Dallas area and home to Tulsa to take care of a family situation. and he came back with the same feeling that i had: our lives here in Austin are fine and at times it feels like this is where we're meant to be. yet, there's a lingering feeling that we should be doing more. we have no ties to this city and perhaps the only thing keeping us here is one another. i honestly don't know where we'll go from here or what the next steps should be, but it felt amazing to be on the same page. we talked about moving to the Dallas area, back to Tulsa, and even agreed that sometimes we just wanted to leave and go wherever the road took us. outside of this blog, few people know how i truly feel about most things. it's nice having someone that i can be myself with and talk about dreams of running away from home. :-)

until next time...

a few days ago, i spent about 45 minutes composing a post and immediately posted it. after posting, i decided to clean house and delete drafts that i didn't need anymore. well, i decide to come here and edit the most recent post, only to find that apparently i'd deleted it accidentally in my cleaning haste. :-/ I don't even remember everything i wrote about, to be honest. so, here's hoping that this post doesn't get deleted accidentally.

so, i got moved into my new apartment two weeks ago today. i finally got most of my stuff unpacked as of last week. i really like this new apartment. it kinda feels like a small house. it's very modern and the nicest apartment that i've ever lived in. the only drawback is that's it is located on like the outskirts of Austin. in fact, my address is still Austin, but the apartment is actually located in a different school district. but, i guess that's a small price to pay. JE moved with me. i know. i know. i said i wasn't going to allow it. i've seen a signfiicant change in him lately, so i said we could try this relationship thing again and living together. well, the living together is temporary. most of his stuff is in storage. so far, things are going well. i think me being out of school and living a normal life has reduced my stress level enormously which improves my overall happiness. also, JE got another job. so, that means he works a part time during the day and then works full time overnight. so, we see each other a lot less. right now, when i come home from work, he's usually asleep. when he wakes up, we talk, do more than talking ;-), and then it's almost time for him to go to work and for me to go to bed. when i wake up to go to work, he's coming in the door, to take a nap before going back to work. honestly, i don't know how long he'll be able to keep this up, but for now, it works. and honestly, i like the arrangement. my only wish is that we were going to jobs that we  truly loved.

speaking of work, my job has us working 10 hour days for four days a week for the month of July. it is as much fun as you can imagine working in an office setting for 10 hours would be. :-( my co-workers are cool, but it's draining being at work for so long. i actually don't mind the 10 hours as much as the fact that i'm in the same place all day, mostly in front of a computer. we go have Fridays "off," but it's not really an off day because we still had to work 40 hours. thankfully, next week is the last week of 10 hour days.

i think i blogged last time about a job i was applying for with the research group i was a part my last semester in grad school. my friend has the job now, and encouraged me to apply, saying i'd be a good fit. i was so hyped about the possibility of doing the work and immediately applied when the job was finally posted. i did have some reservations because the director of the program (who was also on my dissertation committee and knows me fairly well) didn't ask me to consider applying. idk, i felt like, if he thought i'd be a good candidate, he'd at least ask me to consider. i ignored that reservation and applied anyway. by the time i interviewed for the position last Monday, i was not excited about the job anymore. i started thinking about my current position and how i was asked if i wanted the job. they were excited and happy that i was considering staying with them. i did have to apply, but it was merely a formality. the vibe was completely different for this other position. i felt almost like a stranger. i interviewed with the director and another member of the research team and they were friendly. but, it just felt... off. i walked away with the feeling that they would hired someone else. as a matter of fact, when i asked about the status of my application two weeks after i applied, the director told me that they had some really good candidates and would be doing interviews for the job. that confirmed that i wasn't seen as the best fit. and, since he was already familiar with me, that i probably wouldn't get the position. it turns out, i was correct. i got an email today from the project manager stating that i hadn't been selected. no phone call from the director or anything. an email. the project manager (who i know very well), also addressed me as Ms. (more on the Ms. thing later.) that man is well aware that i'm Dr. smh... the impersonal nature of the entire process is what pissed me off, not the fact that i was told no.

that experience has really confirmed(?) my reservations about academia. in the nearly four months since i defended my dissertation, the academic life has looked less and less appealing. i've been thinking a lot about my life thus far and i just don't know if the academic life will allow me to have the most impact on people. at the end of the day, (as cliche) as it sounds, i want to help people. that's it. most people don't know my life story. they don't know that we lived in Section 8 housing and for my entire childhood we were on food stamps (back when they were the actual paper food stamps, not the discreet EBT cards). they don't know that i was on free lunch until the day i graduated from high school. my mother made sure we were exposed to different things, but i know all the camps and trips we attended were because we were on some sort of scholarship. now, my story isn't anything Earth shattering, but now that i know the statistics of what usually happens to kids like me, i really can't believe that i made it this far. so, i feel like my contribution would be lessened by simply sitting in academia.

the problem, of course, is i'm still not sure of exactly what i want to do. my current job isn't the most exciting and doesn't allow me to have a great impact, either. so, i know i won't be there too much longer. possibly a year. the other night, JE and i were talking and i was telling him about my friend who's living in London. and he said, that's what i thought you would do, take a job in London. you know, i've never considered living and working abroad. my mind always goes back to my time in Santa Barbara and how miserable i was, in large part due to the fact that i was so far from family and friends... and i was just living on the West Coast! but, you know, maybe my boredom has to do with the fact that i need to leave the country and just experience something else. but, again, what would i do? i'm praying for guidance.

i saw several doctors this month regarding issues stemming from my PCOS. sigh... this syndrome is a beast. it's truly a systemic problem. in my deleted post, i detailed what's been going on with my body, but i don't have the energy. i will say i'm several medications to get things under control. i was avoiding the meds route, but in order to get things back where they should be, i think it's best. once the more pressing issues are under control, i'm planning to come off the medications and treat the syndrome naturally. this past week was not good health wise, but not due to the PCOS. i just felt sick all around. outside of that, i'm tolerating the medications well, even though it's sometimes hard for me to remember to take them.

my bath and body business is stagnant right now. well, i finally bit the bullet and hired someone to design labels. she's actually the same person that designed my logo. she's also going to do business cards. so, i'm moving forward, but not as fast as i would like. i still haven't applied for the business license. i just don't want to come off that $300. but, i know i'll have to do it soon.

today would have been my mom's 53rd birthday. though it's been 9 years since she passed, it's still hard to believe that she's gone. while i was packing the old apartment, i came across her death certificate, funeral program and a letter i wrote to her after she died. whew! talk about emotional! it's funny how something that happened so long ago can still be so clear. but, i'm not focusing on that today because i think that does her a disservice--- to only focus on the last day of her life. so, while life hasn't been the same since the day she left, i'm thankful for the time we did have with her. see you next lifetime, Mama!

my mom at her high school graduation

my mom, my sister, and me at Easter

until next time...

I'm slowly, but surely getting this apartment ready for a move in a few weeks. when we moved here a year ago, I didn't imagine moving just a year later, but the change will be good. JE and I were talking this evening, and he said that moving here and being in separate bedrooms was exactly what I needed to able to finish school. i hadn't thought of it that way, but he's right. i guess that's why i'm feeling ok about moving again; this place represents what i needed for a period of time and now i don't need this environment anymore.

speaking of JE. my, my, my, it's amazing how lighting some fire under him led to MAJOR progress. smh... the very things i have said needed to be addressed for a while have suddenly come to fruition. on one hand, i'm glad that he's getting his shit together. on the other, it's annoying the steps that needed to be taken for him to do so. i still see him as a friend, but not 100% sold on dating again.

my friends from college and i are planning our annual trip and this time, we're headed to Vegas!!! we've been wanting to go for awhile, but one friend was a hold out for a few years. i'm responsible for creating a survey to narrow down dates and locations. i was shocked when we all said yes to Sin City. The trip isn't until December, but I'm already looking forward to it.

I'm slated to start my full time gig on July 8. Lord knows that I'm not looking forward to it. i've been working just this one part time job (instead of two) this summer, and it's struck me how bored i'll be doing the work full time. also, my company has an "efficiency shutdown" for the month of July. that means we're required to take vacation days the entire first week of July and for the rest of the month, we work four days a week for 10 hours each day. ugh... yes, working in a cubicle for 10 hours a day. the very thought makes me want to scream.

a position opened on the research team that I worked with this past semester, and I'm hoping that i get that position instead. it's more money, the work is more meaningful, and it's a better fit for me and my career goals. i've submitted all application materials and know that I did the best i can to indicate that I'm the person for the job. i'm praying that a decision is made this week and that the decision that's made means I can submit a letter of resignation to my current employer this week. the job posting officially closed yesterday, and I haven't heard anything yet.

in the meantime, I'm planning ALL doctor's appointments for this month. I've got to find a way to break up those 10 hour days. i have an appointment with a new ob/gyn later this week. my PCOS has been kicking my ass lately. over a year ago, I was seeing a reproductive endocrinologist to treat me. he was very helpful up until the moment it was clear that i wasn't interested in getting pregnant. then, suddenly, he told me that my best bet right then was to stay away from doctors and just work on my diet and exercise. soooo... yeah, that wasn't the best advice. while i don't want to be in a doctor's office every other week, i do need to see someone to get some of these symptoms under control. i'm praying this new doctor is a good fit.

i was planning to go to Tulsa during my week off, but it's looking like that won't be happening. i originally planned to leave tomorrow, but then decided to leave on Saturday. now, i'm pretty sure i won't be going at all. a part of me wants to go, but the larger part of me doesn't look forward to making that drive in this July heat. also, the costs associated with moving are draining my account. maybe it'll be better if i go later in the summer or around Labor Day. my goal had been to go home four times per year. so far, i haven't been at all this year, largely because most of the family was here last month for my graduation. speaking of which, i totally forgot that i said i'd post pictures from my party. i'll do that soon. :-)

until next time...

this month I'm only working one part time job and i must say I'm enjoying every moment of it. i've only worked one job for the past few years, but always had graduate school work to complete, so it never felt like a true break. i arranged my work schedule so i only work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, which means a four day "weekend." :-D

of course, i haven't totally checked out. i don't know how to be still. i'm making some progress with my bath and body business. i mentioned a few posts back that i decided on a name and logo. i love both of them! today, i finally purchased a domain name and am looking into different platforms from which I can sell my products. the contenders are Storenvy, Big Cartel, and Etsy. This blog post does an excellent job of breaking down the pros and cons of all three. right now, i'm leaning towards Storenvy because it's the cheapest, but the layout doesn't quite jive with me. i know i can hire someone to design the website for me, but that costs money. i could teach myself how to do basic design stuff website, but i know i don't have an eye for graphic design.

this is where it would be useful to have a partner. i know how to make the products, research ingredients, and all of that. but, that's where my creativity ends. my design skills suck. i reached out to one company (that was recommended by a friend) for product label designs. she sent her price list, and i knew i had to decline. lol... people have a right to charge what they want, but i also have the right to decline to pay that amount. a few months ago (while i was working on my dissertation), I reached out to a woman who had a very successful bath and body business that she recently sold. she now has a consulting business which also includes logo and label designs. after i told her what i was interested in, i never heard back from her. hmmm... not a good sign. maybe my message got lost and i should circle back. her prices were quite reasonable.

at this point, my biggest "problem" is financing all the things i need and want to do. (I put problem in quotes because in the greater scheme of well, life, it's not really a problem.) i need a cool website, i need fly product labels, and i WANT this pricing software. Actually, I probably need the software, but... it's pricy (and worth every penny from what I see). I also MUST apply for an LLC and that costs a pretty penny here in Texas.

ah, start-up costs!! they are a bitch, but necessary. i absolutely refuse to do this in a fly-by-night way. my goal is to build a lasting business that supplies a steady stream of income, so i know i have to bite the bullet and find a way to make all of this happen.

until next time...

I finally decided to move. Lord knows I hate moving, but it's becoming readily apparent that moving into a new space is the best move. a few weeks ago, I blogged about the fact that I found the perfect apartment. i got a call last week that I was approved for the apartment, but I was still hesitant about moving. i had a number of justifications about why it wasn't a good idea, but really, they are all trivial. while in Nashville last week with a friend/co-worker for a conference, we discussed my hesitation about the move and my friend (who has some knowledge about the JE issue) asked me if I really wanted to deal with JE for another year. when i explained that i really hated the idea of moving, he said, "yeah, but the alternative... you gotta cut that anchor." you know what's amazing? when someone who only has limited knowledge of a situation can see exactly what's going on and help bring me back to the heart of the situation.

I've also can't shake a few recent conversations with JE that have left me... troubled. very troubled. back in November, i told him that the relationship was over and cited my reasons for ending it. since then, i've done everything to make it known that i'm not dating him. no sex. no physical contact. i don't cook for him. he doesn't cook for me. i don't accept gifts. we'd occasionally go out to eat or see a movie together, but i never allowed him to pay for me. i acted as if we were just friends. nothing more, nothing less. the only thing that remained the same was the fact that we still share my two bedroom, two bathroom apartment. in my eyes, we were simply roommates until he got financially stable enough to live alone. i hadn't dated anyone else, mainly because i was focused on finishing my dissertation and working two part time jobs. but, also, i didn't want to date anyone. throughout our time together, i felt like i was carrying JE. i was tired.

so, i thought that the fact that we were no longer together was crystal clear to JE. apparently, i was wrong. sigh... a few days before my graduation, he tells me that while he heard what i said about ending things, he didn't want to hear it. instead, he took it to mean that we weren't breaking up. instead, he just needed to get his own place and once he did, we'd still be together. the thing is, i did say that... about two years ago. after a year of seeing no progress on that front (among other things), i simply gave up on him. his ambition just wasn't there. just thinking and writing about this is making my blood pressure rise all over again. it was so maddening to see someone with so many ideas and gifts sit at home and waste them every single day. he seemed content with talking a good game and doing very little. meanwhile, i was working the hardest i'd ever worked to accomplish a professional goal.

after he told me that, i was dumbfounded. i've never known someone to take my words and completely turn them around to fit their desires. sure, there have been misunderstandings, but nothing of that magnitude. and, then, i felt... embarrassed(?) for him. what does it say about someone that they'll accept less than what they deserve in a relationship? for the past few months, he'd gotten to see me daily (which is what he wanted) without any of the good stuff that comes with being in a relationship. and then, i got angry. he chose to not address any of my concerns, yet expected me to remain in the relationship. what kind of fuckery is that?

but, really, i got angry with myself for allowing this to go on for so long. i was actually very hesitant to even publish this post because it's embarrassing to write about my choice to accept far less than i deserved for such a long time. but, you know, there is a part of me that believes in giving people second chances or the opportunity to get it right, when it comes to romantic relationships. it's strange that i behave that way when it comes to love because when it comes to every other aspect of my life, one chance is all you get with me.

lately, he's texted or told me about all the things he's doing that "might" address my areas of concern. honestly, i couldn't care less. i've heard the same thing for years and nothing came of it. i explained that addressing that area of concern right now would not sway my opinion. we still weren't together and once the lease expired, i'd be moving out and he would not be invited to move in with me. he then asked, "well, what if i [address two areas of concern], then would you consider dating me again?" Ya'll, some people would be impressed by that level of...persistence. I was not. I grew even more annoyed and concerned. it all drove home the point that as much as he says that he loves me and is in love me, he's really not. actually, i take that back. he's loving me the best way he knows, and it's not the way i need to be loved.

ugh, i'm tired of writing about this. so, until next time...

Last weekend was graduation weekend and it was AMAZING! my party was the most fun and makes me wish i can graduate again just to have another one. lol... notice i said, graduate again, not to do all the work it takes to graduate! so many family and friends were at the commencement and/or graduation party. i felt incredibly loved.

a professional photographer took some photos at the party and i know family and friends took some as well, so i hope to be able to post them soon. for now, here's a pic of me right after I was "hooded." Sorry the pic is so small. they sent the proofs this morning, and while they do not have a watermark, the resolution isn't great.


and here I am at my dinner party. please excuse the fake smile. by this point, I'd posed for so many pictures, my face was hurting. :-)


Well, it looks like I am definitely moving to a new apartment in July. words can't express how ready I am to move into a totally new space. allowing my ex-boyfriend to continue to live with me while he gets his money straight has been one of the biggest mistakes i've ever made. of course, JE doesn't mind it all. he still thinks we're getting back together. smh... i've already informed him i'm moving out in July and will be living alone. he probably thinks I'm bluffing. I guess he'll find out soon that I am not playing.
 
i created a vision board on Pinterest and one of the things I wrote was that I would create a more stylish living space. that's happening, slowly, but surely. i had put some furniture on lay-away, and was able to pay it off earlier this week with my graduation money. i used an apartment locator (again) to find a new apartment and chose one today that fits perfectly with the vision i have for my life. i'm just thankful i have enough money saved to make the move and pay application fees. the new apartment isn't closer to my job like i wanted. in fact, it's a little further away. but, it's ultimately what i want and will be better for me.

as i was completing the paperwork at my apartment, the locator, said, "Well, I guess the next step for you is buying a house." of course, he mentioned that he could help me with that. but, you know, it got me to thinking about it. the fact is, i really want to pay off more of this student loan debt before accruing a mortgage. really, that's the only thing holding me back from doing it. oh, and the fact that i'm not fond of having to do the upkeep on a house. i love being able to call the office when i have a maintenance issue.

i went ahead and accepted the offer from one of my part time employers to move to full time. my annual performance review for that position went really well and i'm looking forward to growing professionally. that being said, i don't plan to be there more than a year or two. my other part time job might have a position opening up, but that's so up-in-the air right now, i'm not holding my breath for it, even though it would be a better move for me professionally. really, this all drives home the fact that i don't like working for other people. obviously, i do my job and do it well. but, i don't like my work dictated by someone else.

speaking of working for myself, i finally chose a name for my bath and body business. and, with the help of a few trusted people, chose a company logo. i still have sooo much to do, but this small step is exciting.

i wasn't going to tell this story, but oh well, i can't shake it from my mind. so, one of my friends, who gave input on the logo, was supposed to come to commencement and my party last Saturday. we'd even talked about it the afternoon before. on Saturday morning, i sent a text to everyone coming from out of town saying i was looking forward to seeing them and to see if they had any questions about anything. my friend responded and said she wasn't coming. it seems her husband took her keys to prevent her from driving here from Houston.*pause* She'd discussed the trip with him several times since the invite went out in February and he said he was cool with her going. then, the night before, he changed his mind and they had an argument about it. she texted him, even saying there was something wrong with their son, and he didn't respond to her texts. ya'll, that story made me sick to my stomach. their marriage has been riddled with problems but according to her, things had gotten better. i mean, who does that? i'm such an independent person, i can't even fathom someone deliberately restricting my movement, espcially someone who is supposed to be my life partner. I'm clearly not ready for marriage because i would have quickly gathered my things and moved out. end of story.

and then i thought about two of my married friends who made it to the party and commencement. one came all the way from Baltimore and the other (who also has three small kids) from Oklahoma City. their husbands had no problem with them coming from hundreds and even thousands of miles away. smh... Lowkey, i want to send a bill to my friend's husband for the food and liquor that i paid for that she didn't eat. LOL!

until next time...

Graduation is just 15 days away! Yay! My party is also coming together beautifully. Almost all of the invited guests are coming. The last time i blogged about this, the showing was small and i was pissed about that. i think some people are repelled by "RSVP." lol... my party organizer (who is awesome!) gently reminded everyone to RSVP so that the day would be special for me. had i sent the email, i would have told everyone to RSVP otherwise they'd be looking at an empty plate. *shrug*

I bought my dress. It looks cute on me, but I'm still not 100% sure that I want to wear it. we're getting down to the wire, so I'm pretty sure I'll stick with it only because I don't have the time to find something else.

hmmm... i just got back from a trip to San Francisco for a conference. The AERA Conference is incredibly overwhelming. It's the largest conference for my field, and it's hard to feel productive. I only went to attend one workshop (my department at school paid for me to go), so that was my only priority. i did take a bus tour of San Francisco and had a great time. The city is gorgeous... and expensive. i got my Master's at UC-Santa Barbara, so being in San Fran reminded me so much of my time in Santa Barbara, complete with the isolation. that 2-3 hour time difference is no fun!

While I was there, I had an interview with a prospective employer that is based in Herndon, VA. when i spoke with the recruiter a few days before the conference, she said that we would meet at 2:30. I arrived at the meeting location at 2:20. Why didn't the interviewers (one of whom was the recruiter) not show up until almost 3:00? And, when they arrived, they failed to apologize for their late arrival. hmmm... i had brief conversations with each of them and they seemed to go well. i had a feeling that something was... off, though. the recruiter glanced briefly at my CV and asked some questions, but they weren't very focused. honestly, it seemed like this was her first day on the job. i then spoke with the hiring manager, and he asked very basic questions, but nothing that seemed like an interview, per se. two days ago, i received a phone call and an email, saying that i was moving to the next stage in the process, which was a data presentation. BUT, today I received an email from the recruiter stating that they would not be able to "make me an offer" despite the fact that I never got a chance to actually present the data. It also seemed very fishy to me.

more importantly, one of my part time jobs has offered me a full time position. The part time position I'm in now is grant funded and the grant is ending at the end of June, so I was prepared to leave at that point. well, our department was just authorized to hire for a position. see, we'd had one position taken away due to budgets cuts. no one lost their job, but it meant that our office couldn't do some work because there was no money for it. anyway, now that we have the position again, i was asked if i would be interested in it. of course, i have to apply for it. but, that's a technicality to fulfill HR requirements.

It's funny because, at times, I found my job boring. i think that's primarily because i only worked on one project. but, next year, i'll be working on a variety of things. more importantly, working there will be give me at least a year to take a break. the job is low-key and i can leave work at work every night and not feel guilty about it. after four years of working two part time jobs and going to school full time, i welcome the chance to have a life again. now, the only downside is that the salary isn't as much as i would like. don't get me wrong, it's good money and i won't have to eat Ramen noodles every night. but, i have a desired salary in my head and what they're offering isn't it. There's little room for negotiation since it's a school district position, with clear "steps" that are associated with experience and years of pay. and, really, I think salary negotiation don't begin until you move into the high ranks, such as Chief Accountability Officer.

i'm also thinking i'll have to move to a new apartment. the very thought of moving stresses me out. i love my apartment, but they're doing some renovations and i suspect they're going to raise the rent. as a matter of fact, the complex hasn't even given me an offer to renew the lease despite the fact I'm supposed to give a 60 day notice and May 14th will be 60 days before my lease expires. so, i'm taking that to be a sign that it's time to move on. also, my apartment is a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom. JE's deadline for moving out is rapidly approaching (yay!) and once he's gone, I won't really need another bedroom and bathroom. sure, i can always use it as office space and/or a spare bedroom for guests. but, i definitely do need the space. 

While at AERA, if i happened to mention that I was about to graduate, the next question was, "What's next?" ugh, i hate that question! if you know any recent grads, please don't ask them that question. it's stressful! anyway, when i told them what i would be doing, some people acted like i said i was working at McDonald's. (no shade to anyone who works at McDonald's!) when you have a Ph.D., people oftentimes assume that you'll move into a faculty or post-doc position. i guess working for a school district isn't prestigious enough. *shrug* I've given the faculty route a lot of thought, and right now, that life reminds me too much of grad school and I'm happy to leave that life behind me. who knows, i might feel  different in a year. the one thing i will miss about grad school is the deferment of my student loans. *sigh*

anyway, i think the overall lesson for me right now is to "define myself for myself," as Audre Lorde once said and just stand firm in that. 

until next time...

I defended my dissertation yesterday morning and... I DID that! I'm officially a Dr.!!!! Words cannot express how elated I feel. Last night, I went to bed at 10 p.m. (i.e. a decent hour) for the first time in months. I didn't have any worries or feelings of guilt because I needed to work on graduate school stuff. Free at last.

Today also marks my seventh year of blogging. I can't believe it's been that long. Also, I really should have way more posts. Now that I have my life back, I'm hoping I can spend more time writing.

Finally,  today is my alma mater's 132nd birthday. I've said this before, but it bears repeating: attending Spelman College was one of the BEST decisions I ever made. Undoubtedly, the four years I spent there helped shape me into the woman I am today.

until next time...

totally had an inspirational post scheduled to go out today, but... decided to postpone that because it doesn't reflect my current state. and, right now, I'm overwhelmed. actually, overwhelmed doesn't even accurately describe how i feel.

i submitted a full draft of my dissertation to my co-chairs this past Sunday night. (A dissertation "chair" is the faculty member who's supposed to work closely with a student as he/she completes the dissertation.) the following morning, one of the co-chairs called and told me i needed to change it so that he was the primary chair and the other person is listed as the co-chair. now, i had previously listed him as the co-chair because he hadn't done any work to assist me.  in fact, when he agreed to be my chair, he told me he wouldn't have a lot of time to assist, since he's actually not a professor in our department anymore. he's been promoted to a very high ranking position at the university, but still has an affiliation to our department. when i began the program, he was the department chair and still teaching courses. so, in light of the fact that he basically said he wouldn't have time to help me, i chose a co-chair (from another department) and told her that she would actually have to be the chair since the other person was so busy.

ok, so when he called (and left a voice mail) about the chair designation, he explained that the listed chair had to be someone from your department. ok, that's cool. no problem. i'll make the change. BUT, i was more than a little pissed that he called me for that. i haven't received any guidance from him at all since my proposal defense last April. *blank stare* yet, he thought it appropriate to call me and tell me to make the change. an e-mail would have sufficed. he then said "you're ours" (meaning I belong to my department). oh, really? but, you don't have time for me. and, you really aren't strongly tied to the department. as a matter of fact, your office isn't even at the university anymore! oh, and he didn't actually give me any feedback on my work. you know, the dissertation that submitted to you and where you're listed as the person who assisted me throughout the process.

thankfully, my co-chair is amazing. i'm not even in her department, and she agreed to serve as co-chair, has read my drafts, met with me several times to discuss my work. you know, all the stuff a chair is SUPPOSED to do. she read through the entire draft (all 125 pages) and sent me detailed feedback last night. she even went in and edited parts. again, i am not a student in her department. she has no incentive for assisting me. yet, she's been a Godsend.

you know, ever since my mom passed in 2004, there has not been a shortage of women (usually older than me) who have stepped in and offered some form of support. that's why i hate to hear some women say they don't get along with other women, they don't trust other women, all their friends are men, etc. no, sis, the problem rests with you. don't get me wrong, i've had some great male supporters, but when it got down the wire, those with the XY chromosome stepped in.

i'm also on the job search and honestly, i don't feel like jumping through the hoops. clearly, i have to do something or else i'll be homeless and broke. but, i'm just tired of cover letters, resumes, sending reference lists, interviews, completing various exercises either before or after an interview. i feel like i'm always having to prove myself worthy of employment. does this ever end?

i'm going to Houston on Tuesday for a two hour "interview day." three hour drive for a two hour day. this will be my second time driving to Houston for an interview in less than a month. the last interview was a waste of time. after the interview, i was asked to write a "memo" and while i was sitting at the computer, i instantly felt depressed. the cubicles, the silence, it all felt so cold. this organization does the same type of work as my current employer, but the vibe was like completely different. during the interview, it was also readily apparent that this wasn't the place for me. at all. it felt very sterile, bureaucratic, and all wrong. i actually applied for a job at the company last summer and didn't get called in for an interview. now i see why. i'm not meant to work there.

tonight, JE mentioned that he was thinking about going to Tulsa for Easter and staying for good. for some reason, that hit me like a ton of bricks. ok, so we did break up months ago and we discussed that he'd need to move out once he was more financially stable, with a deadline of June 1 at the very latest. he's finally gotten some stability, so it stands to reason that he would move on. it was still hard to hear since he's been a constant presence for over 3 years. don't get me wrong, i do look forward to living alone again. i just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. there are just too many changes happening at one time. then again, JE is so wishy-washy, he may wait a little longer.

i'm also throwing myself a graduation party. i hired someone to actually handle the logistics and she's been great. she sent me an e-mail update tonight, and said that so far, 10 people have RSVP'd for my party. I invited 30. granted, the RSVP deadline is April 6, but still. that's a very underwhelming number, especially considering most of the invited are family and the invitations were sent in early February. i know such a trip will be costly, which is why i sent invites three months in advance.

i got the first draft of my logo design a few days ago. hated it. it looked like something I could have done on my computer. the person who created it, also did the invites and menus for my party. the first draft of both of those was not good, but i loved the final product. when i e-mailed her with feedback about the logo, she said that we could definitely change it, but also said i should rethink the business name. and, you know, i appreciated that feedback because she's right, the name would've left me having to explain the name too much. so, i decided to use that name for my LLC. which means... i'm back to coming up with a business name. ugh. it's frustrating.  here's some of the names, i'm considering: made by marie, c. marie bath & body, and Belle Bath & Body. The last one is my least favorite. too many bath and body companies have "belle" (or a variation) in the name.

until next time...

I'm still moving forward with my bath and body business, but at a much slower rate. someone likened starting a small business to having a child. and, I'm 100% sure i don't want any kids right now. that being said, i do want to start this business this year. and i will. i just have to take my time.
i am working with someone to design a logo for me. I'm looking forward to seeing what she comes up with. i chose an initial business name: Belle Bath & Body, but it never quite sat right with me. there are a lot of bath and body businesses with "belle" or "bella" as part of the company name. i get why they would do that since it means beautiful, but the name is played out. then, one day, my aunt sent me a text and used one of the nicknames she made up for me and my siblings. and then it hit me: that should be my business name! it also made me rethink my target audience. I did a patent search and the name is available. what's the name? well, i'm not ready to reveal i yet. ;-) In due time...

i also decided to start an LLC, under the same name. it's cheaper to start a business as a sole proprietor. here in Texas you pay about $40 to file a "doing business as (DBA)" name and then you also have to file for tax id numbers. there's other steps for other types of businesses (e.g., a cosmetologist), but for what I'm trying to do, that's basically it. (note: I am oversimplifying the process, but it's really pretty easy.)  BUT it's better in the long run to have an LLC, C corp, or S corp, even though the state of Texas charges $300 to file as one of those entities. this website does a great job of explaining the differences between various business structures. reading that and other sources of info sold me on forming an LLC instead of DBA. i have the time to fill out the paperwork and mail it in. I'm just hesitant because I really don't know where I'll be in a few months. i could still be in Texas or I could be in other state and I'd prefer to avoid paying more money. wait. let me stop. I'm supposed to be focusing on doing one thing at a time, taking one step at a time. so, with that said, I'm going to file as a LLC here in Texas. i can't worry about the what ifs. I just need to move forward and do what needs to be done to get this business off the ground.

The one advantage of being a student for so long is I know how to research topics very well. So, I'm also spending time educating myself on the ins and outs of owning a small business.

I ordered this book:

You can purchase it here.

I just started reading it, but so far,  it's awesome! It's chock full of advice, which also makes it very overwhelming. But, it has also brought up ideas and topics that I never considered before.

This book is also on my wish list.

Buy it here.

I also have two other books I need to study:

Buy it here.

proper labeling of handmade products (per the FDA) is crucial. i know the basics already, but i want to make sure I've covered all bases. I see a lot of handmade bath and body businesses with improper labels and it drives me nuts. i follow one such business on Twitter. I ordered some of their products, and they were good, don't get me wrong. but, i was worried about the lack of ingredients on the label. since i purchased them online, i knew what was in there, but what if i gave them as a gift? How would someone know what was in there? That kind of oversight is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

which brings me to my next point: business insurance. it's so necessary. I've found a reputable company that insures people who operate out of their homes. when i do officially open, i want to make sure i have my ass covered. one product that i won't ever sell is candles. besides the fact that i hate the clean up), it's hard for small business owners to get insured if they sell candles. i see many small businesses that sell candles and i always wonder if a) they are insured and b) if they are, how are they able to afford it. they're just too risky for me.

I'm also going to get this book:

Buy it here.

Oh, and let me clear: none of these authors or businesses have paid me to promote their books or websites.  I used (or will be using) my money to pay for these books. That being said, I do consider them trust worthy sources of information.

You know, I'm wondering if  i need to create another blog. like, one blog just for personal stuff and then another for business ideas. hmmm... i can see the pros and cons of both, but i also like having everything together because they all represent me. if nothing else, i may rename this blog. decisions, decisions...

until next time...

in the final stages of this dissertation. we have to use a certain template from the Graduate School and one page required me to type my full name, followed by the degree sought. it was the first time i ever saw my name with Ph.D. behind it and i totally got teary eyed.

I'm finally getting to the point where I'm actually excited about graduation. until recently, i approached it with a sense of fear. yes, fear. i guess it's the fact that i'm leaving what was a huge part of my life and moving into the unknown. and to be honest, that fear of the unknown has been driving me crazy. i have this need to have everything figured out. i'd been stressing about finding a new job, moving, having enough money to move (if need be), writing my dissertation, working two jobs, and a host of other things. my appetite hasn't been that great. like, sometimes, i just won't feel like eating all day. ugh... a mess. and it all stems from my need to have it all together. also, my mind always goes back to when i completed my Master's program in 2005. i struggled to find a job and wound up taking something that didn't pay much and that i hated. this job was also in Tulsa, and I had to move back in with my grandmother. i felt like a complete failure. i had two degrees from top notch universities, yet i couldn't find a "good job" for anything and i was in the same living situation as when i graduated from high school. that was one of the darker times of my life.

 the next job was doing something i enjoyed, but i again didn't make much money. i had my own apartment, but the only furniture i had was my bed and stuff to decorate my bathroom, and a desk and office chair. no tv, no couch, no creature comforts. i don't have much now, but man, when i think about how i was living back then, i've come a mighty long way. i don't think many people know just how much i struggled during that period of time. so, there's a large part of me that fears that will happen again. then, last week, i got an e-mail from the Tarot reader i saw last year. i blogged about that experience; in a nutshell my first experience with her was very cool and i left with a greater sense of clarity. i hadn't gone back because a) she moved to Los Angeles a few months ago and b) i didn't really think i needed to see her. but, given my state of mind right now, i wanted to see someone who might give me so insight into life. i have family and friends, but they're so close to me, i just don't feel they can have enough insight to see something that i can't. i don't know if that makes sense, but that's how i felt.

anyway, i went to see her yesterday and it was such an awesome experience. after i shuffled the cards, she laid them out and proceeded to read them/me like a book. i know some people might say, oh, well, she can pull a card and make it apply to your life, in a tenuous way.  i'm usually pretty skeptical of well, a lot of things. but, in this situation, i didn't get that grasping at straws vibe. we spent a great deal of time talking about how i needed to find my identity again. so much of me has been about being a student. it drove so many decisions---where i lived (the 1st apartment i had was on the UT shuttle route), where i worked (it had to flexible enough to work with a changing class schedule), whether i went out for fun, and so many other things. i know some grad students who don't allow school to consume them, but i'm not that way.

 in addition to being a graduate student, my relationship with JE was a huge part of me. i was so caught up in being a "good" girlfriend and sticking it out, through thick and thin. you know, one of the main reasons i started dating JE was because he approached me with intentions of being partners so i didn't have to do so many things alone. at times, he did as he intended, but more often than not, i was left very disappointed. he's not a bad guy. rather, he lacks in maturity. and a large part of our relationship was based on me being the rational one. the responsible one. during the time that we were together, i never really had the chance to be (for lack of a better word) irresponsible. JE and i had a conversation a few weeks ago that explained why our relationship dynamics were that way and to hear the why was kinda heartbreaking, but also... freeing.

i say all of that to say i'm looking forward to getting to doing me again. one thing we discussed yesterday was blogging. she mentioned that i should start blogging, and i told her i had one, but didn't blog regularly. even though blogging isn't what it was when i first started (i.e. more about a community and less about making money or spilling "tea"), i do think i need to go back to blogging, just for me. I'm constantly coming up with things to blog about, but I would never give myself permission to do it because I always felt like I should be doing something else. something else was always more pressing.

at the end of the session, the reader told me two things that struck me. first, she said, "and, they [my spirit guides] say that you're going to get married, because that's been a question." i never once mentioned anything about my love life (or lack thereof),  but just a few hours before our session i'd been tweeting with one of my followers about how i was getting used to the idea of being single forever. i am not bitter, just skeptical. I'm such an introvert and fan of my personal space and time, it's hard for me to imagine being with someone i'd be willing to give that up for. anyway, after she told me i would get married, she paused (like she was thinking) and said, "Oh, your husband's going to be great. He's going to be awesome. He'll be the kind of person that single friends will also seek out for advice. They'll want to talk to both of you and get advice." Honestly, her telling me that made me smile. Despite my introversion, I do want to get married, so while I don't think she can predict the future per se, I think the purpose of that conversation was to remind me not to give up on the idea of marriage. because after this relationship with JE, a part of me had given up on the idea. one of these days, I'll

she also told me that the reason why men didn't approach me isn't because they don't find me attractive, it's because I have a "Don't fuck with me" vibe  due to walls I have build around me. When she said that, I wanted to laugh so hard because it's true. In part, it's due to the fact that I do not want people to perceive me as weak. also, you know sometimes women need to put on that "strong face" to avoid foolishness. but, i recognize i have to find a better balance. i just don't know how to find the balance between, "i don't have time for games" and "I'm approachable." lol

until next time...