Coming Into My Own

• I've been back in the Houston area for nearly a month now and finally starting to feel like things are getting back to normal. My apartment is cool... I don't love it as much as the last place, but it's nice. I can't complain. I still don't like the neighborhood that surrounds the complex. I still don't have a set routine (other than my job), so I need to establish that so it feels like I have a purpose here. However, I can't shake the feeling that this is a temporary stop... like, I'm supposed to be here to reset and then move on to someplace else. 
• I'm finally ready to stop avoiding marriage like the plague. LOL! For the longest time, I was totally against it... for me (not other people). While I enjoy my own company, I'm starting to see the value in a partnership. And, I do want to be married... to the right person, of course.  
• I've decided that it's time to close Head Over Heels. As I type this, I need to make more foot cream and body butter to complete a few orders, and I have no desire to do so. It will get done because I'm not going to slack on that responsibility. But, I don't want to do it. My sales for this holiday season were abysmal (especially compared to last year) and I know that's a direct result of my efforts (or lack thereof). While I like owning a business, I know now that I don't like managing a product based business. I got more joy out of doing it as a hobby. I don't even mind doing small orders here and there, but I'm over doing everything that's needed to run things day-to-day. 
• For 2016, the name of the game is execution... Between December 2014 and now, I've spent hundreds of dollars on professional development... business coaching, classes, kits, etc. All of them have been worth the money, but I've spent too much time acquiring knowledge. I need to use it now. I have a goal to earn at least $1500 more per month, and to do that means actually getting my consulting business off the ground with real clients. I mean, even with that business, I have a beautiful website completed, business cards, filed for an LLC, head shots, etc. There's no reason to not move foreword.

• For Thanksgiving, my aunt and I had brunch at my apartment and then drove to Fort Worth, to spend time with my aunt and grandmother. My grandmother has been staying with my aunt while a crew works on the downstairs portion of her house. She can't really get upstairs anymore, so she has nowhere to go while they do the work. We had our family dinner on Saturday, which was ok. I hadn't had Thanksgiving with family in about 4 years (JE and I always stayed in Austin.) So, it was good to be with them. The only downside is that it was pouring rain the entire time... I was also the driver and I hate driving in the rain and at night. My aunt only has one guest bed and my grandmother was there, so my aunt and I stayed at a hotel. The hotel wasn't far, but having to rely solely on GPS in the rain, at night, made it seem forever. The drive back to Houston took 5 hours instead of 3 and a half... in large part due to the rain. Traffic had to drive slower and there were even some road shut downs. As I drove back, I was reminded of why I've opted to stay home for a short holiday... it didn't really feel like a relaxing break. :-(  
• The chances of going to Tulsa for Christmas are looking pretty slim due to the construction crew moving like molasses, so we may be back in Fort Worth. I'm trying to remain positive about it, but I'm anxious. All of my life, we've had Christmas in Tulsa, at my grandparents' house. No matter what. I've also always experienced Christmas with my siblings (well, except for one year, when my sister wasn't there), but they probably won't be able to come since they both work retail jobs. 
• While in Fort Worth, I had breakfast with a guy I mentioned several months ago. Back in March, we met at an HBCU college fair in San Antonio. Since then, we've kept in touch, off and on... more on than off. He got a new job that took him from San Antonio to Dallas, so we decided to meet up since we were in the same city. He's a nice guy... different from JE in almost every way. (Thus far, I've noticed just three things they have in common: they're Black men, drive the same make and model car, and like me a lot.) Lately, he's been hinting directly stating that he's interested in dating exclusively. I'm hesitant because I feel like I should allow some time between officially ending things with JE and moving into a new relationship. The thing is, I don't know what's the "right" length of time. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to "jump his bones" and if the answer was yes, then to go for it. LOL! I wish I could be so... undiscerning. 

ok, y'all, that's it for now!

until next time... 

I finally told JE that it was time to take a break from our "relationship." I put the word in quotes because it hadn't felt like a relationship over the past few months. I had been checked out, only going through the motions, and not doing a great job of even doing that. I first chalked it up to the fact that I just wasn't myself due to all of the changes. But, it soon became clear that when I should have been turning to my significant other for solace and support, I had no interest in doing so. As I've adjusted to being back in Houston, I've been keenly aware of my loneliness and finally realized that I miss companionship. I've always been an introverted and love my alone time... I still do, but I've matured to the point where I know I need more. My aunt and friends are here and I'm thankful for that. But, I need more... I like having a partner that I can experience life with...  And I've come to understand that JE isn't going to be the more that I need. (Well, I;d known it for a while but thought that if I just waited it out, he'd get there.) Sure, he'd drop everything and come back to be with me, but the physical presence wouldn't be enough. I need other things and he simply can't provide them, as much as he may want to do so... (I'm being intentionally vague here because I don't want to expose his shortcomings.)

So, last night, I texted him and told him that I'd call him the next day to have an honest conversation about our relationship. We talked and I told him that it was time for a break. While he wasn't angry, he didn't take the news too well... I could tell that he was surprised, but his surprise didn't surprise me. We'd always had issues where he was oblivious to the reality of my feelings about the relationship, even when my words and/or actions made it crystal clear. Over the course of our conversation, he told me that he loved me, would always love me and how much he missed me. He has a cold and sore throat, so as he was talking, he sounded on the verge of tears. His voice was  that way before we got into the break up conversation, but it still hurt my heart to hear those words in that tone. At the end of the day, I know that telling him now was the best thing because he deserves to have someone who loves him and is fully engaged in the relationship. That person just isn't me. Even knowing that, I still felt like a horrible bitch.

After we got off the phone, I busied myself with showering and getting ready to run errands, pushing the conversation from my mind. But, when I got home, I sat down and thought about it and burst into tears, crying like someone had died. The tears were surprising because I'd known this break up was going to happen... I'd initiated it. I guess it was the finality of it all. Although, I doubt it's final. I have a feeling it'll take a while for him to grasp the reality of the situation. Which is understandable... for nearly 6 years our lives were intertwined. That's a large part of why I knew that I had to leave Austin and my apartment, in particular. Traces of him were all over the place. The chair where he always sat to eat (with the cushion flipped up because he didn't like how it felt), his side of the bed, I would still picture him walking through the front door, etc. ... It still felt like our place.

After my sob fest, I prayed that this is the last break up that I have to endure. My heart can't take anymore... 

Anyway, I'll stop here. It's almost Christmas and here I am, with this sad story. I'll post again soon and talk about the transition from Austin to Houston.

until next time...

So, as of this past Sunday, I officially moved to the Houston area.

It's odd because I expected to feel elated about the move and... I don't. I'm not sure if it's because the whole process was stressful or if it's because I left my comfort zone. Outside of Tulsa, Austin is where I'd lived the longest. I find myself missing things about the city that I didn't really pay attention to when I was there. I certainly miss my old apartment and the neighborhood... I loved that place and hated to give it up. After the movers left, I was there alone for a few minutes and as I looked around, I realized it wasn't all that special. Nice, yes, but nothing to write home about. As I drove to Houston, I realized the reason I loved that place so much is because of what it represented. It was the first upscale place that I had ever lived in and it made me feel that I'd made it. It was also the first place where I finally had everything just the way that I wanted. I didn't wish for anything more... I didn't feel like I needed to add anything. My new apartment is nice... and in many ways, it's an upgrade, but I'm not in love with it yet. I just have a feeling that this will be my last apartment and that I shouldn't get attached. I'm certainly not in love with the neighborhood... it doesn't really match the complex. I went to dinner with my aunt and she didn't really help me feel better about the new living situation... she agreed that the old neighborhood was better and more "cosmopolitan." While I'm glad she felt free to speak her mind, I kinda wish she had brought up something positive about it, especially since she lives about 10 minutes away. :-/

I'm realizing that I should have given myself more time to process all of the transitions that took place since July. JE left, I left my old job, started a new one, and moved to a new place in a new city. In hindsight, it wasn't the wisest decision to make so many drastic changes at once. I definitely should have postponed this move until the new year. So, I think I need some time to mourn my old life before fully embracing the new. The thing is, this time last year, I vowed to change all three areas: my relationship, job, and location. So, I got what I wanted. I just didn't anticipate the emotions associated with this.

Oh, and it's also my birthday! Happy Jesus year to me!

until next time...

Welp, two weeks from today, I'll be settling into my new apartment in the Houston area. Last weekend, I went to look at the largest 1 bedroom apartment they had and... it was still too small. So, I decided to get the 2 bedroom/1 bathroom. Lucky for me, they were running some sweet deals that pretty much covers all of my moving costs. I'd still been wondering if this move was the right thing to do, and that confirmed it for me. My apartment is brand new, meaning I'm the first tenant, so it'll literally be a fresh start. I'm still sad about giving up my current apartment (it's perfect for me), but know that it's time to go.

My aunt came yesterday to help me pack and she's been a HUGE help. I'd gotten some packing done, but not much. My apartment still looked lived in... well, that's no longer the case. The only place that's remained relatively untouched is my bedroom because I need at least one place that isn't chaotic.

It's been raining in Austin since Thursday, so I don't know if it's the weather, the move, or a combo of both that has me a tad emotional. For years, I've been wanting to leave this city and now that I am, I'm actually sad about it. I know it's because I'm leaving the last familiar thing. My aunt reminded me that the past few months have been about transition for me... JE moving out, changes at my old job, starting a new job, adjusting to working at home, and now this move. In hindsight, I don't know what I was thinking, instigating these moves in such rapid succession.

Last year, right at my birthday, I vowed that I'd make some drastic changes, namely in terms of my relationship and job. And, well, it happened... three days after my move, I'll be celebrating another year of life, God willing. So, I guess I can't complain. I just didn't anticipate the range of emotions I'd feel about these changes. I've missed JE a lot as we've been packing. I've loved in three different apartments in Austin and he was involved with each of them, so it feels strange him not being here. But, I did ask him to move out. So, that's that.

Things are going well at my new job... it's more challenging than my last job, but that's a good thing. I still feel like this was the right choice, even though I know I won't work there forever.

In the midst of all of this, I'm still working to keep two businesses afloat. I'm not doing the best job, but I hope that will change once I'm settled in my new(ish) city.

Whew.... moving sucks! Like, a whole lot. 

I officially started my new job two weeks ago and so far, so good. It helps that it's an organization that I'm familiar with, but there's still a lot to learn and do. My first week was spent in NYC, doing onboarding, where my schedule was packed for every minute of the day. It's a far cry from my old job where I had a lot of open time. While it was a lot, I liked the structure. This was my third or fourth time in NYC and as was the case the last few times, it's a nice place to visit, but I don't want to live there. So much concrete. So busy. So many people. While Austin isn't my favorite place, I was glad to get back to the greenery and open spaces, and my car. :-)

Last week was my first week working from home. It's an adjustment, for sure. It's funny waking up, showering, and then settling down in front of my computer in the study area of my apartment for the day. I still dress for work (i.e., casual day). Our team is virtual, so everyone is accustomed to phone calls and video conferences being part of how we work. While I don't miss the long commute, I kinda miss the ambient noises of being in the office. I still feel good about the job and like my team, so I'm praying that continues. The funny thing is while

Finding an apartment in Houston has proven to be a bit challenging. I planned to work with the realtor/locator who helped me when I moved to Houston back in '07. He totally flaked on me, so I asked my friend if she had a realtor/locator she could recommend. She sent me his contact info, and I emailed him the same day. Eventually, we got on the same page regarding what I was looking for and what I was willing to spend. Basically, I'm trying to find a place similar to where I live now. This is the first apartment I've lived in where I love everything about it. So, I'm not looking forward to giving it up. But, Houston is so big, so surely I can find something similar, right? Well, maybe not. The realtor emailed me yesterday and said that he could find most of what I wanted... but they were about $100 out of my budget. I got a pay increase with my new job, so I can afford it, but the fact that I'm paying so much in rent doesn't sit well with me. Also, I wasn't convinced that he looked hard enough. The things that I want aren't outrageous... I basically need a spacious apartment with nice upgrades. I'm not looking for a concierge or granite counter tops or anything like that.

So, I spent too much time looking up properties and became so discouraged. It was difficult to find what I need (in my budget) and the places I really liked were way out of my budget. Although, I did find a place identical to mine (the complex is owned by the company that used to management my current complex), but it's more than what I pay. So strange considering Houston is supposed to have a lower cost of living. So, I started questioning if I really needed to leave Austin. Maybe staying wouldn't be so bad, you know? Finding an apartment shouldn't be so difficult, and maybe I needed to put my energy towards something else. My aunt put me in touch with her realtor friend, so she's helping. I'm praying that I find something that works for me. My heart has been set on moving, but not if it means hustling backwards.

I slept on it and have been listening to my intuition and I think I'm rushing this move. While I definitely need to get out of here, I need to wait. I'm still on a month-to-month lease, so I have time to make my decision and while it's costly, I can swing the rent for a few more months. So, now, I'm thinking that moving by the end of November will be the best thing for me to do. Between JE leaving and starting a new job, I've been going through a lot of transitions. I need to pace myself and breathe in between each of them. On the other hand, I wonder if I'm just delaying things unnecessarily. I'm not looking forward to packing and moving, so I hope I'm not letting that get in the way of making the move.

My high school reunion is next month and that was playing a small part in my moving decision. The reunion is the same weekend as my move-out date, which means I'd have to move out the weekend before to get settled. If I did that, I'd be paying rent at two places for nearly a week. On top of that, all of the costs of going to Tulsa (flight, hotel, event registration, etc.) had it looking like I'd have to skip the reunion in order to move out at the end of the month. I would have been cool with that, but I'd been looking forward to going home for a while, so not going would be disappointing.

Overall, I'm feeling good about life. Things are falling into place. I do feel a bit anxious regarding all the decisions I have to make, but hopefully that will pass.

until next time...

*peeks head in* hey, y'all! As always, my blogging is at the back burner. Remember when people blogged just for fun? Now it's all business. I hate that... it makes me feel like I'm not accomplishing anything if I don't blog for my "brand."

Anyway... let's see... updates. I got a new job offer! I applied for the position about a month ago and on Monday, they emailed to set up a 15 minute talk. I knew what that meant! When they (my potential supervisor and the VP of the department) called, they told me they were actually offering me a position that was a little different than the one I applied and interviewed for. The offered position is one that they weren't planning to post until the fall and then I appeared and they thought I would be a good fit. :-)

I put in my two week notice at my current job on Friday. I was so nervous to tell my current supervisor. I've worked with her for four years and she depends on me heavily (to a fault) and less than a month ago, another guy left our team of three. A woman from another team in our department just took his place, so she's set there. Anyway, the conversation with her went well. We'll see how the next two weeks go... My department is about to experience some major (unpleasant) changes, so I'm glad that I'm getting out now.

The location for the new job is flexible, meaning I can work from home and/or one of their local offices. So, I can finally leave Austin! Yay! This has really got me thinking about my prior resolve to move back to Tulsa. I'd still love to move back, but I don't have a good feeling about it. For one, I feel like if I move back home, JE and I will fall into our old routines that I hated so much while we lived here. By me not being close, it forces him to take care of business in a way that he just wasn't accomplishing while we were together. I don't want to go back to being a crutch. I'm also finding that I love the space... I like living alone and all the pain and anxiety that I felt in the weeks after he left, are gone. I'm taking this as possible sign that we won't be together for too much longer.

Of course, being close to family and in a city that I'm familiar with is the ultimate appeal, but I just don't know if now is the right time. From a financial standpoint, I need to stack as much money as possible. After adding the costs of moving, applying for new LLCs for my businesses, and all the other costs associated with relocating to a new state... it makes me uncomfortable.

So, I decided that I'll move back to Houston, which was always an option. I moved from there six years ago to go to graduate school and have missed it ever since. Austin is a predominantly White city and I just don't feel comfortable here. Having JE made it bearable, but now I just can't tolerate the outsider feeling. Luckily, my aunt and three of my good friends all live in Houston, so I wouldn't be alone. In a few weeks, I'm making a visit to get my hair braided and to find a place. Coincidentally, I received a newsletter from the realtor/apartment locator who helped me find a place when I moved to Houston back in 2007. I contacted him and he said he'd be happy to help me again. :-) So, a move in October is in my future. 5% of my says to just stay in Austin, but I know I can't do that. I've accomplished what I came here to do and it's time to move on.

My new business website went live a few weeks ago! It's beautiful... simple, and just what I had in mind. I used this company. My experience was great! She was super organized.... communicated everything she was doing and just made it all a very pleasant experience.

It feels like things are finally starting to fall into place my personally and professionally.

until next time...

So, JE left (for good) early this morning. He originally left last Thursday. I blogged about that day and my reaction two posts ago. I took the post down because at around 3 am on Friday morning, he texted me. He said that he'd made it to Ft. Worth and gotten two flat tires. The tow truck dropped him off in front of a repair place, where he was sleeping in his car until they opened the next morning. He asked me to come back and stay until the following Friday, payday, when he'd have more money. I said yes, without reservation. 

Long story short, he stayed the week and everything was cool. While there are still things that frustrate me about him and the relationship, I finally stopped being so angry and just appreciated the friendship. I allowed myself to see that for six years, I had a great friend who was with me through thick and thin. 

Last night, I told him about my plan to not renew the lease and move out in September, regardless of whether or not I had a job. When I mentioned that Tulsa was a possibility, he immediately said, "Baby, just come back home. By then, I'll have my own place and you can stay with me. It won't be as nice as what we have now, but it'll be temporary and you'll know that you have a place." I expressed my concerns about finding a job, and he reminded me that with my background and credentials, any employer would be happy to have me. I needed to hear that because this employment search has been discouraging to say the least. (I keep a folder of all the cover letters I've submitted over the past few years, and it looks like a graveyard.) 

For the past few weeks, it's been clear that we both had reservations about splitting up. I suppose that's normal, especially considering that we (foolishly) moved in together two months into the relationship. Except for times when one of us was out of town, we've always been together. Maybe once he's back in Tulsa and I've been here alone for a while, we'll feel differently and realize that it's best to let it go. 

I was asleep as he got his things together this morning, so he woke me up to lock the front door and say goodbye. We hugged briefly, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he'd call me when he arrived. This time, goodbye didn't feel so final. It felt more like a "see ya later" goodbye. I didn't watch him drive off due to the way I reacted last time. I did shed some tears, though. It's so strange being alone in my apartment and knowing that he's never coming back here. It's odd looking at the places where his stuff used to be, and seeing empty space. He left some snacks here and I teared up looking at them. Snacks, y'all, snacks. Smh... That's when I knew that I must move out in September. I remember everything and this place just has too many memories of us. Even the city of Austin has too many memories of us. (Yes, I've had experiences with other people in the six years that I've been here, but it's not the same.) Honestly, there's a part of me that's scared of being here alone. I've lived alone in a city before and survived. But, for the past six years, I knew that if I needed help, I could just call him. 

So, in the meantime, I have three things to focus on: working my current job, finding a new job, and launching my consulting business. Plan A is to get a job and do the consulting on the side. Plan B is... much more drastic, and some might call it foolish. Deep down, I want to live off my savings and throw myself into consulting. Conventional wisdom says to quit the main job only when the side job is bringing in the same amount of money. That's true, but I've been playing it safe for two years and I'm ready to move on. 

Here's to hoping that if I focus on those three things for the next few months, I won't have time for anything else... like crying over snacks and wondering if I made a big mistake. 

until next time... 

I decided not to renew my lease. I still haven't given official notice to my complex, but I know that I need to do it. As I've gone about my daily life here, I can't help but notice that I'm just going through the motions. Part of this is due to the fact that we're on the summer schedule at work. This means 10 hour work days Monday-Thursday with a three day weekend. This will continue through mid-August. A three day weekend sounds great, but it's not. Getting up at 5:15, leaving for work at 7 (to make it by 8), getting off work at 6 and making it home by nearly 7 pm isn't the business. During the week, I go to work, come home and eat, go to bed, and repeat the process the next day. I have all these personal projects that I need to complete, and by the time, I get home, my brain is too tired. Sitting in a cubicle, under fluorescent lights for 10 hours is no way to live.

So, my goal is to be out of Austin by September 11. Yep, that's just two months away. I don't have a job lined up (yet!), so right now, I'm having to hustle. I've seen several positions that interest me and I'm working on getting my cover letters squared away. (I came across a post about writing cover letters that totally changed my thinking about what I've been doing all these years.)  Even if I don't have something, I'm still giving notice at my job next month. Doing that scares me to death. I always need to have a plan. However, after finding out that I'll be working on the same projects for the third year in a row, I knew I couldn't do it anymore. This month, we're making work plans for the 2015-2016 school year, and all I did was update the plans from the 2014-2015 school year.  The other guy on my team has asked me a few times, "Why are you still here?" He didn't say it maliciously... it was more like, "You can be doing so much more." He's been in our department for about a year and is already on his way out... It's really made me realize that it's time to move on. I've gotten everything that I can from this role and staying here is more about comfort than anything else.


I still haven't given up on my quest to move back home. I looked at the Tulsa Public Schools website and saw two jobs that fit me perfectly. In fact, when I interviewed with them back in the spring, I wished they had those positions because a) they were needed and b) they aligned with my career goals. However, I didn't articulate that when I removed my name from consideration. Anyway, lo and behold, those positions appeared. But, I had a feeling that they were created for other people. The district has a new superintendent, and oftentimes new sups bring people with them from their old jobs. Those people either step into roles that are already there or jobs are created for them. The positions are then posted to the website, but that's just for legality's sake. So, I decided to check in with one of contacts at the school district. Sure enough, she emailed me the next day and said that both positions had recommendations for hire that they expected to bring to the Board in a few weeks. Both positions had been listed for less than a month. While she didn't confirm that those were created with someone in mind, I can't shake the feeling that's what happened.

All of that didn't help the fact that, after reading her email, I had a good long cry. At first, I thought I reacted that way out of disappointment about the jobs, but I soon realized that I'm very frustrated with feeling like I'm on just the other side of something bigger. Like, I can almost feel and taste it, but it's eluding me. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. (All of the crying that I've been doing over the past month is also a little unnerving. I'm not an emotional person, so tears a weird response for me.) After drying my eyes, I started wondering if I'm holding myself back. Am I holding onto things, thought patterns, and behaviors that are causing me to remain stuck? That's realization further solidified my decision to leave my job and apartment. I haven't fully embraced something better because I have those things to fall back on.

I wrote a blog last Thursday, detailing JE's departure. I took it down, primarily because that chapter still isn't over (long story... I may blog about it, then again maybe not). I'll put the post back up, once I'm able to tell the story in a larger context. I think that situation is all part of the bigger lesson of letting go of old thought and behavior patterns.

Until next time...

Well, JE left this morning. I watched from the bedroom window as he walked to his car and drove off. I cried like someone died to the point that I thought I was going to make myself sick. My reaction shocked me. I'm PMSing, so my emotions are heightened, but still... I didn't anticipate being nearly hysterical.

Right before her left, I went into the bathroom and busied myself with folding laundry, as he took the last of his things to his car. I just couldn't watch him do that. When he came back, he handed over his keys and sat at the dining room table before asking me to give him a hug before he left for work. (He's driving back to Tulsa after he gets off.) As I stood up, the tears started, so I went to the bathroom to collect myself. After a few seconds, I heard him come in and he wrapped his arms around (from behind) and just held me as I cried. I couldn't see his face, but by the way he was breathing, I'm pretty sure he was crying too. A few minutes before we left the bathroom he told me, "I don't want you to worry about anything. If you want me to come back, just say, 'Baby, come back home,' and I'll drop everything and come back. You know that. Just remember that." And he's right, I did know that. In spite of all my frustrations with him, we truly love one another. If I needed him, he'd come, no matter what. And I would do the same thing. Six years is a short amount of time, but we've been through so much together... some things that some married couples haven't experienced. It was at that point that I began wondering if I was making a big mistake. 

Last night, we had an awesome time together. We didn't do anything other than talk and it felt like old times. We hadn't really talked in months, without it leading to an argument. Days would go by without us saying more than good morning, if that. It was all bad. Anyway, last night, we talked about our plans for the future. My uncertainty about whether to renew the lease or just move out in September. He talked about his plans and concerns regarding moving back to Tulsa. We discussed our relationship and had an open conversation about how we were too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working and that maybe we are better friends than lovers. Without going into too much detail, one of our biggest challenges was regarding finances. We could never seem to get on the same page. Well, last night, he finally shared some things with me that had I known them, I would have been more understanding and we could have worked through them together. But, I didn't know... 

I haven't experienced a break up in a long time, so I guess this is all a part of the grieving process. I saw my therapist today and she confirmed that doubting my decision is normal. She said that it sounded like I made a step forward. I would agree. The thing is, with the decision to stay in Austin looming in mind, I still have so many other decisions to make. I have a feeling that everything will fall into place. It's the big unknown that's wearing on me. 

Until next time...

I had a great trip to Tulsa. I left Wednesday and got back tonight. On Saturday, I went with my aunt and siblings to the cemetery where our mom and her father are buried. I managed to hold myself together until, towards the end, when my aunt and brother started sharing stories about my mom, many of which I'd never heard before. When my aunt finished, she left the three of us at the plot and I just broke down. I couldn't hold back the tears and I couldn't cry quietly. That's never happened (at the cemetery)... in 11 years... not even on the day of her funeral. The three of us just held each other and sobbed.  Part of the reason that I came home is the past few months have been challenging. I really need my mom and since I can't talk to her, I needed to be with my family. I left feeling better prepared to deal with life in Austin.

Speaking of Austin, my days here are numbered, I think. I received my lease renewal offer. If I stay here another year, I'll be paying an extra $50 per month. The rent already went up by $45 per month when I renewed last year. I can swing the extra $50, but I really have to ask myself if it's worth paying nearly $1000 per month for a 1 bedroom apartment in a city that I don't love, for another year. The short answer is no. I'm also looking at the fact that my salary isn't increasing and... I just don't know. I'm going to look at other apartments, but I worry that I'll find the same issue. Also, if I factor in the cost of moving, it might make more sense to just stay here. I also have the option to pay $75 more per month, for seven months. That would buy me more time to plan an out, but it's still $75 more per month. The cost of living in this city is out of control!

JE is still here... However, all of his things are at the door, ready for him to take them to his car sometime tomorrow. I'm proud that I didn't tear up when I saw his stuff sitting there. Progress! We'll see how tomorrow goes. In six years, he's never seen me cry and I don't want tomorrow to be that day. On another note, I suppose it's telling that in all this time, I never allowed him to see that side of me. Well, I guess that's neither here nor there at this point.

So, the guy that I met at the HBCU fair (back in the winter)  and I are getting to know one another. (Before now, communication was spotty because I told him I was still in a relationship and because he has like 5 jobs... now that summer's here, he has like 3.) He's cool though quite different from JE. College Fair (that's his name for now) also likes me... a LOT and has no trouble expressing it. I mean, that he's into me is not surprising since I'm pretty awesome. ;-)  I'm just not sure what to make of it. JE came on very strongly and I dove in feet first and, well, we see how that ended. But, I'm trying my best to live in this moment and not bring in the baggage of the past. I'm also feeling funny about dating someone so soon after ending a long term relationship. But, to be honest, I mentally checked out of the relationship several months ago. (My doubts started right around my birthday in November and it all went down hill from there.) So, technically, I've been ready for someone new for going on 8 months. Still, I'll ask my therapist what she thinks. I'm supposed to meet with her on Friday.

While in Tulsa, I met with my friend and his father regarding a non-profit that they're starting. They're technically my first clients for my consulting business. We had an awesome session and as I was working with them, I realized that I finally found the thing that I would do for free. Well, I am doing it for free. LOL! But, I don't mind working with them, to get clear on their program goals, data collection, research needs, etc. I think it helps that a) we've known each other nearly all of our lives and b) my friend and his dad are actually willing to do the work that's needed. It makes my job so much easier. Anyway, working with them has given my confidence that I'm on the right path.

A few weeks ago, I fired my website designer. Our working styles just didn't mesh and I didn't feel comfortable giving her more money.

Anyway, let me go to bed. I was off my schedule while in Tulsa, so now it's back to reality and the grind.

until next time...

so, JE is still living at my apartment. about a day or two after I wrote that last blog post, I had a feeling that he'd ask for an extension... at the last minute. Six years of being with someone will cause that to happen, I guess. Anyway, sure enough, on June 14, the move out deadline, he comes to me and says he needs more time. Of course, I was furious, and expressed that to him. While I am sad that things are ending, I am ready to move on with my life. We had a long conversation about things, and it was again confirmed that I can't be in a relationship with him. There's just too many things that we don't see eye-to-eye on and never will. Side note: I've learned a lesson about being in a relationship with my opposite. You can be opposites as far as introversion/extroversion, tastes, hobbies, etc. But, you need some common ground on values and beliefs.

At the end of the discussion, I made it clear that he still needed to move out and he said it understood that. There's a part of me that feels weak for giving in, but the other part of me knows I can't, in good conscience, allow someone to live on the street. A few weeks ago, I was reading about the death of John Nash and his wife. Apparently, though they were divorced for a period of time, she still took care of him. While my situation is not the same, I can understand why she did that. So, JE will be staying with me for a few more weeks.

In the past few weeks, I've been toying with the idea of quitting my job in late August/early September. Ideally, I'd have a new job by then. Then again, maybe not, and I don't want to be stuck in a holding pattern. I've been looking at my retirement contributions, and while there's not a lot of money in there, there's enough for me to live comfortably for the rest of the year. Of course, I'll have to pay a penalty for withdrawing the money early, but at this point, I don't care. The money that's in there has drawn little interest, and last year, the retirement system actually reduced the rate from 5% to 2%. :-( Plus, I can't even retire for another 30+ years anyway, so... Of course, the level headed part of me says to not act rashly. But, I'm tired of being level headed. I'm always level headed.

Earlier this week, I went to happy hour with some of my co-workers. Our entire department has happy hours, but this one was with the group of people that I actually like. LOL! Of course, we discussed our frustrations with our department, and then the conversation turned to starting our own consulting firm. As I've mentioned before, I'm working on starting my own consulting business for non-profits. I mean, the LLC is approved, so I'm officially in business, but I'm still working on officially launching. Anyway, one guy (who's on my team) was mentioning how much money there is for educational consulting. I knew that, but decided to focus on non-profits, because after nearly 8 years in education, I'm weary. BUT... I'm much more inclined to work with a group of people. Long story short, everyone said they would be interested, and they started deciding on titles... it was decided that I should be the CEO, in large part because I would keep them in line. LOL!

Of course, we were all a little tipsy, so minds can change, but I really think we could make it happen. I respect and like everyone that was sitting around that table and would feel good about working with them. However, even if it doesn't work out, it gave me confidence that I'm going in the right direction... that my idea to start this business isn't fly by night and has value.

For the whole week, I've been feeling a little down and yesterday's news about the South Carolina tragedy took me even further down. I've been at work, but haven't gotten much done, haven't made much progress on my consulting business (other than firing my web designer), so this blog post has been the most productive thing I've done all week. Hopefully it's the start of me getting back into gear. Oh, and I'm going home next week! :-D 

until next time...

May 31 will be my last day to take orders for Head Over Heels until the September 1. Low key, I'm excited. A friend of mine who's wedding is in July (I'm also a bridesmaid), asked me about showcasing some of my products as gifts for the bridesmaids. I'm happy to do it for her but... I'm not excited about the actual making of the products. That's a clear sign that it's time for a break. Hopefully by September, I'll be rejuvenated.

Last week, I went to see a professional counselor. I wanted to talk with someone about ending the relationship with JE as well as how not to find myself in another long term relationship where I'm settling. side note: if I ever marry, I pray that we never divorce... it's been tough for me to extricate myself from someone I haven't exchanged vows, with so I can't imagine the process of divorcing. My counselor is an older White woman. She's cool. Lately, I've been trying my best to patronize Black owned businesses, but since I'm seeing her through my job's EAP, I have less choice in this matter. I liked her enough to set up another appointment next week. It did feel good being able to tell someone about all of my frustrations. The only person who knows about the history I have with JE is a friend of mine who's in an unhappy marriage. (Don't worry, I'm not in danger or anything like that. No abuse, infidelity or anything like that... just a lot of tiring bullshit.) So, she's not always the best person to talk with about the situation. So, finally having an objective outside voice might be good for me.

Work is... work. I've stopped looking for another job. God knows I want to move on, BUT it's become crystal clear that I need to learn something in this position and I haven't gotten it yet. Last week, I had an intuitive reading (yes, I believe in that kind of stuff... don't forget that I've been to a few tarot readings in the past) and the woman I was working with mentioned something that really resonated with me. That one thing that I needed to build is confidence. Not that I lack it, per se, but that I need to build my confidence as an expert in my career field. That resonated with me because deep down, I struggle with that... I still feel like a novice... in spite of my educational and work experiences. I know that I'm good at what I do, it's just... hard to describe why I don't see myself as an expert. A few weeks ago, two different acquaintances emailed me with job opportunities. Both were jobs that I didn't feel competent to do. Yet, the people who emailed me about them obviously that I was competent. I guess it comes down to imposter syndrome... I really need to work on overcoming this since I'm working on starting a consulting business. In the meantime, I'm trying to refocus my thinking about this job and concentrate on getting what I need to make my next move. Hopefully that will help me feel less stuck.

Speaking of which, last week, I hired a business coach. One of my friends recommended someone and I had my initial consultation last Friday, while I was driving to work. As we were talking, I knew she was the person that I needed to work with... I purchased The Branding Box a while ago and it's a great resource. I highly recommend it if you're looking to define or refine your brand. However, I'm just not making the progress that I need to make. I felt that I needed to work with someone who could help push me forward. So, I'll be working with this coach for the next three months, every other week, with some homework in between sessions. I told her about the disaster of a coaching experience I had last summer. I'd actually forgotten all about it until she asked if I'd ever been to therapist or a coach before. At any rate, I have a good feeling about her, and I'm praying that in three months, I'll be in a much better place.

May is always a hard month for me. In a few weeks, it'll be 11 years since my mom passed, and with Mother's Day and all... not the best time emotionally. But, you know, I'm making it through. Someone once described grief as familiar... and that's true. The feeling remains the same, year after year. Honestly, it still shocks me that she's gone. Like, how did this happen? I guess that's to be expected when someone dies suddenly, with no warning. Even with an official cause of death, "why?" lingers.

until next time...

Last week was a rough week. I started feeling sick two Sundays ago and things rapidly went down hill from there. I went to the doctor, and all she could say it it was kind of virus. I haven't felt that sick in a long time. This week, I'm pretty much back to normal, but a week of being at 50% has thrown my entire schedule off. I don't know how people with chronic illnesses manage.

I withdrew myself from the Tulsa job. My heart just wasn't in it. The hiring manager was very understanding and even asked me to stay in touch with them and that they would keep me in mind for future work. I also gave some suggestions for how their team can enhance their work. One of my major concerns is they only focused on quantitative data, with no qualitative. That makes for a lopsided program evaluation. So, I said that I would be happy to help with that, and would like to help them conduct some focus groups, even if it's just on a consulting basis. The hiring manager thanked me and said she would look into it. I don't know the best way to follow up with her on that, but I want to do it. Conducting focus groups for the school district would be a sweet consulting gig and could even allow me to move into consulting full time.

Speaking of consulting, my LLC was finally approved! So, I'm able to legally operate as Eleven 11 Consulting, LLC! The approval process took nearly a month because my application was initially rejected because I forgot to write down my name and address on one line. Doh! once I got that figured out, I had to resubmit everything. I tried to take the paperwork downtown to file it but couldn't find a place to park. So, I had to mail it in, which just added more time on to everything. Anyway, it's a done deal now.

I had my makeup professionally done and got some head shots taken last weekend. I got the photos back today and they came out ok... My hair was giving me the blues, so I'm a little disappointed with how it looks. Also, it was very cloudy, so I don't look as radiant as I would like. I'm also wondering if I went a little too natural with the makeup. Oh, well. What's done and is done and they do look good and it didn't cost me much money. My issues with the photos are minor. They certainly beat selfies taken in my car! I'm glad to have them and to be able to use them on professional sites. Eventually, I want to do a full photo shoot. Maybe around my birthday... 


here's one of the pictures from the photo shoot...

I applied for a national advisory board position last month and last week, I found out I didn't get it. :-( No lie, I was initially really disappointed. The news also came at the height of my illness, so I was a little emotionally charged. But, then, I remembered that what is for me, is for me. Period. More importantly, it really made me reflect on what my next moves need to be. I'm been steadily helping build the work of other organizations, but not putting enough time into establishing my brand. So, I feel like I'm really supposed to be putting all of my efforts into doing the consulting full time. I could spend the rest of my life making a name for myself under someone else's employ. Even if I got another job somewhere else, I don't think I'd be satisfied. I'm just tired of asking for permission and waiting on the approval of someone else.

Today, I got the feeling that come July, when it's time to renew my lease, I need to tell them that I'm not going to renew, regardless of whether or not I have a plan. Being tied up in a lease is really what keeps me in Austin and I have to just let it go.To be honest, the thought of giving up the apartment that I love (for the most part) scares me.

I'm still feeling like the relationship with JE is in it's last days, or months. He, on the other hand, thinks this is just a phase that I'm going through... the denial is real. This is a reoccurring problem in the relationship. I can
tell him something but he doesn't always get it until I show him. I hate that I have to do something drastic to get my point across. But, so be it. I'm over it.

April 11 made 9 years of blogging! Happy anniversary to me! Who wants to send me gifts? :-)

until next time...

Today's been an... off day. For the past month or so, I've gotten up a little earlier to work on some projects. However, this morning I got up and did nothing. I've noticed that when I get home from work, I'm too tired to get a lot done, so I have to work in the morning. I don't know what my problem was today.

I think a part of me feels overwhelmed with life right now. I received an email from the Tulsa job asking me for references, if I'd let me current team know I was considering leaving, and that they would send me a data exercise tomorrow, an exercise that shouldn't take more than 4 hours to complete. I read the email and didn't feel the least bit excited. I'm not sure if that's because I'm tired of jumping through hoops for a job or because I don't want the position anymore. The woman who emailed me asked if I had any questions or concerns. One thing that I need to ask her is if she's certain that I'll fit in with their team. While I was there, several people said they needed someone like the guy who's leaving. The thing is, I'm not him... I have my own strengths, so I want to be clear on what is truly needed and how they see the role changing if I were to come on board.

My business cards for the consulting business came today. The text and design are exactly like I expected. The only disappointment is the finish is wrong. They're supposed to be linen, and instead, it feels smooth and glossy. They're nice, but not what I had in mind. I'm hoping we're able to fix this quickly. It also makes me a little hesitant to continue working my graphic designer. She does great work, but... there always seems to be a snag somewhere. It took a lot longer than I expected to get my logo designed, and now there's the issue with the business cards. I think that she/her team sent the wrong information to the printer. I'm not sure why these snags are happening... if it's a systems thing or if it's because I've been a customer for so long, I don't know. It's just tiring.

When I got my cards, I also felt overwhelmed. The cards have an email address and website listed... two things that I haven't even set up yet. So, I need to get on that at some point, I guess. 

My lease is up in September, so I'm trying to get something in place by June, otherwise I'm in Austin until 2016.  The only way I'll be ok in Austin is if I have a lot to accompany my time. It's frustrating because I see a vision for my life, but am having trouble making it happen.

One source of  inspiration has been the consulting aspect. I'm really enjoying the work I've done so far. I'm finding that I like helping people plan their goals and how they'll collect the data, as opposed to doing the data analysis. This whole consulting thing is new, but I'm also wondering if I need to focus on building my own thing as opposed to making myself happy working for someone else.

Throughout the day, I couldn't shake the desire to run away... far, far away. I don't even know where I'd go. I'm just tired of being a responsible adult. I'm tired of planning and thinking through everything. I need a break. The thing is, I can't take a break. So.... I'm stuck.

until next time...

Earlier this week I went to Tulsa for my interview and recruitment visit for the job I mentioned a few weeks ago. Everything went well, but... I didn't walk away feeling like I *had* to have that job. Can I do the work? Absolutely. But, I wondered if I should be doing it. Like, is this the best next step for me? As I learned more about how they actually do their work, it became crystal clear that their data systems are not as sophisticated as I'm accustomed to, due in large part to the fact that very few people in the organization actually have a data/statistical analysis background.

A part of me is excited about the challenge, but the other part is questioning whether I want to spend so much of my time working around and compensating for a system that is not as robust and sophisticated as it should be. For example, they mentioned an issue they're facing where they use two different databases to create reports of teachers' performance. They problem is the two databases have different id numbers for the teachers. My first thought was to use the same id numbers for both, and call it a day. I was then told that other departments use the databases and were resistant to change. sigh... They did mention that data governance was a priority, but they were still a few years away from having a clear system in place.The position that I'd be more interested in is creating a research and evaluation department. Unfortunately, that doesn't exist, so...

The other part of me wonders if my hesitation is due to the fear of the unknown. I've been with my current department for nearly six years and have gotten comfortable. However, I'm also bored. I heard from a former co-worker who's now working in Houston and she mentioned that while she likes her new job, she misses working in our department and how she'd love the opportunity to work with our staff again. So, you know, I'm also forcing myself to push past the fear. At any rate, I won't know until Monday what the next step is. For all I know, the may decide to go in a different direction.

There's also something about working for someone else yet again that turns me off. This new department seems great... it's just that I'd rather work on building my own thing. Idk... I'm just going to pray about it and trust that things will work out.

In the meantime, I've been working on getting my non-profit consulting business up and running. Basically, I'm planning to work with non-profits who need help planning their data collection, how they'll measure their goals, and telling their story with data. I'm also planning grant application review and annual report writing services. I have my logo and business card design completed. I'm very pleased with both of them. I used the same company who designed my work for Head Over Heels, and in two years, they have really increased what is part of the logo package. I basically have two different logos, depending on the space needed, with many variations of each logo, in both high and lo def formats. I have a style guide for how to use my logo and fonts for print and web use. And, of course, there's the logo, which I love. It fits me perfectly.

I've already secured two clients. Yay! I have two friends who have started/will be starting non-profits and need my services. I also need two case studies for my website. So, it's a win-win for both of us. As far as the website... I can't afford a designer right now and I haven't even started thinking about the design. I don't have the energy to even think about it. I guess I'm thinking about all the time it took for me to re-design the Head Over Heels site and I'm already weary. This new site will be different because it's only a 5 page design as opposed to... I don't know how many pages there are for Head Over Heels, but it's a lot!

Last night, JE and I finally had a conversation about the future. Until then, I'd been relatively silent around the apartment. This had been the case since February. :-/ I know, I know... it was just better for me. Anyway, so our conversation went about how I expected to go... not well. And, by not well, I mean it was difficult for him to understand why I was so frustrated. It became (even more) clear that we have different views about relationships and what to expect while you're in a relationship. It just confirmed my gut feeling that it's time to part ways. Without re-hashing the entire conversation, he's the type of person that feels like loving someone should be enough. Basically, love trumps all... even a lack of satisfaction. And, well, I'm like... nah. Ha! He also is the type that thinks once you've been through a lot with a person, that you might as well get married. Again, nope! There were some other things that he said that left me wondering wtf I'd done to wind up in this situation. It was maddening trying to reason with him. He said I was frustrated because I always have to be right. I mean, that may be true. But, when it comes to my happiness and well being, I'm not backing down. I can't afford to do that anymore. Now, the tricky thing is the fact that we live together and the lease isn't up until September. Jesus be a time machine! I'm planning to see a therapist, to talk through issue and how to avoid getting caught up in this type of relationship again.

Ugh... just writing and thinking about that situation raises my blood pressure. So, let me end on a positive note. I had an interview for the National Advisory Board and I think it went very well. I won't know until April 13 if I've been selected, but I felt like I nailed it. Even if I'm not selected, it won't be because my interview was weak.

Overall, I feel good about where life is headed. Things are changing... slowly, but surely. 

until next time... Happy Easter!

 Various occurrences in my life since the last time I blogged...

The woman who was doing my photography for Head Over Heels has gotten a new job. The only catch is, she can't go outside jobs without prior approval. :-( I'm not sure how that's going to work out for her since she has her own photography business. This also means that I'll either have to find a new photographer or get better at taking my own pictures. But, to be honest, my interest in Head Over Heels is waning. Well, the interest is still there, but I'm not able to focus as much energy on it because I'm trying to take care of other stuff.

Such as, acquiring a new job. Last week, I spoke with someone else in Tulsa. He's actually the person I'd be replacing if I got the position. (The position is only for two years, which is why he's leaving.) I actually spoke briefly with him last summer, so it was good to talk with him again and get more of a feel for his job and what to expect. So far, it sounds like it might be a good fit. So, we're moving to the next stage in the process, which is a visit to Tulsa the week after next so I can spend a day at the office. Actually, I think I'll also be meeting with other TFA alumni, to hear their perspective about what it's like to live and work in Tulsa. This visit is kinda starting to feel like a recruitment visit. Whatever the outcome, I hope it's swift and smooth. So far, I haven't told anyone (besides anyone reading this blog), that I'm being considered for the job. A part of me doesn't want to announce anything until I have an offer. If you're so inclined, please say a prayer, send good thoughts, or whatever it is that you do. :-)

Oh, I was also invited to apply for a position on the Advisory Board for a national non-profit. Apparently, I was invited due to work that I've been doing to here in Austin for TFA alumni of color. I'm a little nervous about applying because I feel like I haven't accomplished a lot in this first year, compared to other people in other regions. That being said, I'm still going to apply.

A few months ago, I formed a mastermind group with a few of my friends who are small business owners. I talked about that in detail here. We've met a total of three times so far, and so far, so good. I'm really hoping that everyone is feeling like the group is worthwhile. I talked with them about how I'm feeling overwhelmed with trying to keep Head Over Heels up and running, while also trying to start this consulting business. They gave me some really solid advice and I feel a lot better about trying to make it work. One thing that I decided is to go on summer hiatus from HoH. Last year, the summer was very slow and it was kinda discouraging. So, this time, I'll use the summer to think through my strategy for the fall. Also, if things go the way I want them to go, I'll be too busy this summer to devote a lot of time to HoH.

On the consulting front, I've started working with a graphic designer on my logo. There was a hiccup in the beginning, but we're on the same page now. So, I'm excited about the final outcome. I won't be able to actually show it until some other areas are in place. This logo is for my personal brand, which I'm finding is a lot easier to create than for a product based business. The one thing I'm working on overcoming is my fear of launching. Unlike a product based business, I'm putting my name and face out there and asserting that I'm qualified to be a consultant. I mean, I *am* qualified, but it makes me so nervous to step out there like that. I'm so accustomed to working behind the scenes, and I have to get away from being that way all of the time.

I've been on Spring Break this week, so I've had a lot of time to just think. In my last post, I talked about feeling that it's time to part ways with JE. That feeling hasn't left, and I finally got to the heart of what's bothering me: I've been settling. I've settled for less than what I want and need, but was calling it "compromise." When we first got together, I'll admit that I had some unrealistic expectations of relationships and living with someone else. I adjusted my expectations, but now I feel like I've accommodated too much.

ok, it's way past my bedtime. so, until next time...