Coming Into My Own

*blows dust off blog*

Houston, Houston, Houston... this city wears me out. Every time I think I can get used to being here, something happens to remind this isn't my final stop. A few weeks ago, I renewed my lease through 2017. Deep down, I know it's the smart thing to do so I can save money and focus on where I really want to be, but I wasn't at all excited about staying. I even have a countdown on my phone to until the end of my lease. smh...

Being an adult is tiring. Lately, I've been dealing with a minor health issue and it's been one big headache. I was referred to a doctor who insisted on performing an in-office procedure in the hospital... with all the costs associated with that. When all and said was done, I would have been responsible for over $1000... for what should have been an in office procedure. Needless to say, that was cancelled. So, today, I went to see another doctor who would be able to do the procedure in office next week. The only thing that I didn't like is that he moved so quickly... barely taking time to answer questions. He wrote me a prescription for an antibiotic without first asking if I had any allergies (I do.) My impression of him is that he knows how to do his job well, but needs someone to slow him down. With the exception of one doctor, my experiences with medical professionals this past year have been sorely lacking. It really makes me miss Austin. It feels like the focus is on money and not quality relationships. This is true for everything here, not just doctors. The size of the city makes things challenging and I feel like I'm consistently trying to figure it out.

Shortly after my doctor's appointment, I discovered an issue with my toll account. Long story short, the company stopped sending me statements and texts to let me know my account balance was low. I'd put money on the account and since I wasn't receiving texts, I thought what I had in my account was covering things since I rarely use the toll road. Turns out I was very mistaken! I just paid so much money back to the cities of Houston and Austin that it makes my stomach hurt. The thing that stings the most is the toll balances were nominal... it's the violation fees that got me. I really don't understand how it's legal for a company to charge $11 fee for a toll that's less than $2. I spoke with a customer service rep about why I wasn't receiving email statements or texts and he wasn't helpful. According to him, the system shows that they were sent. He even had the nerve to imply that my cell service was causing me to miss the texts. Smh... The only bright side to this is that I had the money to address the problem. There was a time not too long ago where those statements would have just sat there because I couldn't pay them at all.

My experience here is making me think that my next move might be to a small town... maybe even a rural area. I used to thrive in big cities and now they wear me out. I know that I'm in Houston for a reason, so I'm trying to stay attentive to what those reasons are... sometimes I feel like it's so I finally understand that Houston is not for me. Hopefully there's more to it than that, though. :-)

My birthday is next week and I don't have any plans. At first, I was gung ho about checking into a nice B&B and relaxing, until I realized that the places I wanted to go are in college football towns, so going there over the weekend is out of the question. So, so far, I've booked a facial and I'm planning to take the day off work.

Most importantly, though, I want to reflect on my plans for the new year. This past year has been about change and boy, has it been tough. Great in some ways, but also sooo hard. My sense is that the next year will be about change as well, but this time, I'm hoping it's less challenging. I had a solar return chart reading a few weeks ago and an intuitive channeling/reading the other day and whew! So much of what was shared and discussed resonated with me: putting myself out there more, getting more comfortable with being vulnerable, healing some past hurts. So, basically, lots of self work. I'm ready for it, though.

Until next time...

A few months ago, I blogged about going to the doctor and hearing some not so great news about the endocrine disorder that I have... I even cried in the car on the way home. While it wasn't life threatening, it was clear that my body was off and just not doing what it was supposed to do. Anyway, I filled the prescriptions, hired a nutritionist to help me learn how to eat properly because what I was doing wasn't working, and followed the meal plans that she gave me. I didn't implement exercise because I still haven't found something that I like doing and will keep up consistently. Well, at my doctor's appointment this morning, my lab results look so much better! Some areas are normal while others are much closer to normal than they were in February.

I've noticed some slight changes in my body that let me know I was on the right track. The plan is to continue what I'm doing as far as medication for the next six months and then re-assess from there as the goal is to get off the medication. During my meditation time last night, I thought about it's time to implement a consistent work out plan. I've been having... visions (for lack of a better word) of my future self and the only way I'll get there is to lose the weight. I hate talking about weight because I feel like women talk about it too much already.

I booked my vacation last month. In a few weeks, I'll be on a flight to Aruba! I originally planned to go somewhere in the U.S. but that didn't really work out because nothing excited them. I started looking at Expedia's vacation packages, did a ton of research for safe places for a woman to travel alone and wound up at Aruba. As luck would have it, I found a great hotel and flight deal (living in Houston has its perks), so I booked it and the rest is history. I haven't been on a real vacation since 2009, so to say I'm overdue would be an understatement.

My aunt and I went to Tulsa for Memorial Day. While we were there, I was reminded of my last trip home, nearly a year ago. What a difference a year makes! I was an emotional wreck the entire time, but I think I hid it ok. Well, until we were at the cemetery where my mom and grandpa are buried. I broke down at my mom's grave... something that hasn't happened since the day we buried her in 2004. So many changes were in the works and I was scared of all of it. Breaking up w/ JE, desperately looking for a new job and wanting to get out of Austin. It was just too much and it felt like I was managing it alone. Today I can say that I feel so much better. At peace.., while still knowing there's room for growth.

Things with College Fair are still moving slowly. I was reminded that I asked for a man with certain qualities and I got what I asked for... LOL! Some of those qualities means that the pace is slow right now. It's all good, though... I feel that things are unfolding just as they should and while slow movement can be frustrating at times, it's needed.

until next time...

I was hoping I wouldn't need to move until early 2018. Alas, that doesn't appear to be the case. So, my apartment on the inside has just about everything I want in a place. It meets my needs and satisfies my wants. But, it's never really felt right... probably because I had to rush to choose a place. While meditating the other night, I suddenly felt a twinge of sadness about my last apartment. I loved that place and still miss it. But, I knew that it was time to leave. My work in Austin was done, so I needed to move on. But, I don't want to forget the level of contentment I felt in that place. I don't experience that here. It just feels like a place to live. On top of that, my neighbors have started to stomp around their home... to the point where my ceiling shakes when they walk. I told the apartment complex manager about it and she said she talked with them, but the behavior hasn't changed. I talked with her about it again and she said that the next time, call her and she'll come over so she can hear it or to call security patrol and they'll address it. So, when I do call, I hope it's at a time when they're constantly moving. I've never encountered people who walk so aggressively in their home. This problem has only recently begun, so I'm not sure what changed.

Oh, and I also live about 7 miles from the airport. When I moved in, I didn't realize that I'd have to deal with flights landing at various times in the day and night. I'm learning to block them out, but the upstairs neighbors compounds the situation. As I write this, I'm wondering if this is a sign that I need to get out of the house more. Since I work from home, most of my day is spent here. While that's comfortable, it might not be the best thing for me.

On the plus side, I have plenty of time to choose a place that truly fits me. And I'm hoping that the times just flies by... and that seems to be the trend for this year. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my desired place to live and... it's clear that a big city like Houston no longer suits me at all. This doesn't come as a huge surprise because at one point, I really wanted to move back home to Tulsa. I like the smaller size and ability to connect with people. I've been trying to think of a city that is smaller yet diverse and nothing was coming to mind.

And, then, I went to Bryan/College Station (for the second time) with friends. We were there back in December... one of my friends had lived there before and so we did some fun things in the city. I was pleasantly surprised when we were there... I was expecting a place that wasn't too friendly to people of color and that wasn't the case at all. We went back last month for a wine festival at the winery we visited the last time. This time, I was able to get more of a feel for the city and... it felt like home. I'm going to do some more exploring, but it might be the city I'm looking for... close to a major city (and its airport), but not so large that it's unmanageable, I see a lot of people that look like me and since I can work anywhere, employment isn't an issue, and has a low cost of living.  However, if it does become an issue, Texas A&M is close, so I could probably find a job there, if needed.

I'm taking May-July to just enjoy life... I'd been working with my business coach and hit a wall... I felt very unmotivated to do anything. It dawned on me that I haven't really taken a break since 2009. In the summer/fall 2009, I moved to Austin and entered my ph.d. program full time (while working one part time job), and then had to take on two part time jobs. When I graduated in 2013, I went right into launching Head Over Heels, and then decided to start working on launching my consulting business... all while working full time. And, then, this time last year, started the series of changes... leaving the relationship with JE, getting a new job, and moving back to Houston. I don't think I've ever really allowed myself to process everything that's happened... it was just on to the next thing.

So, with that in mind, for the next three months I'm only working my full time job and hanging out. Well, more than hanging out, but no extra job stuff. Part of that time will include a solo trip in July. I haven't decided on where yet... I guess I'd better figure that out soon. I've gotten suggestions to try the coast in North Carolina, as well as the Pacific Coast (namely California and Oregon).

I'm also going home at the end of the month, for Memorial Day weekend. It'll be a year since I was there last, which is strange for me. As long as I can remember, I've made it home at least 2-3 times per year. My grandmother's house being under construction really threw everything off... I'm already wondering what we'll do when she's gone. I have a feeling her house will be sold, so what will we have then? Knowing that has also made me more aware of starting my own family and traditions.

well, I have other things to work on. so, until next time...

1. I've had this blog for a decade! Last week was my blogiversary, but I was too busy to even remember. 
2. Work kicked my ass for like two weeks. I had my usual job responsibilities coupled with extra stuff and... whew! It was all bad. I even pulled an all nighter at one point. Like, I didn't sleep at all. I just worked through the night, showered, and lead an hour long call the next morning. I haven't done that since college. I'm glad that's over and now I just have to gear up for the next few weeks which will also be busy, but not as hectic. 
3. I've started working with a coach to help me with meditation and getting in tune w/ my intuition. Well, I'm already somewhat in tune with it, but I feel like I need to sharpen it. So far, so good. The hardest part has been actually committing to the 15 minutes for 3 times per week. But, my therapist reminded me that I need to prioritize this appointment with myself just as highly as I prioritize the appointments I make with others. 
4. I had a natal chart reading a few weeks ago, which is what prompted me to start the meditation work. While I still consider myself Christian, I haven't been to church in months and I'm not pressed about finding a church home. Maybe I will one day. Anyway, I still knew that I needed some sort of spiritual practice outside of praying because praying just wasn't doing it for me. 
5. The chart reading itself was fantastic. I've blogged before about the tarot readings I've had and how accurate they were...and the same held true for my chart reading. We talked about the purpose for this life... which is to settle down and build a strong family base and home. I was kinda shocked to hear her say that because 1) I hadn't mentioned that to her and 2) those thoughts had been in my mind. For years (even when I was with JE), marriage wasn't really something I thought I would do. The same for having kids. However, recently, my mind has been changing. And, you know, those things that I do want... the very idea of them is kinda scary. But, I do want to the whole married with child thing. I've been looking at my career and as I think about the next move, I can't help but think, "Is this it?" Like, ok, I go out and get another great position... but for what? What purpose will it serve? I'm starting to realize that contrary to what I used to think, work is a means to an end... and not the end all and be all... which explains why my work life hasn't been very fulfilling. So, now, I'm in the process of getting a clear picture of what I really want out of life. 
6. It's interesting that this is coming up as things have started to pick up w/ College Fair. So, we started dating exclusively a few months ago and he's made it abundantly clear that marriage is his goal. Not as in getting married tomorrow, but the purpose of dating is not just to screw around (literally and figuratively). Now, JE came to me with this same spiel... he even used to introduce me to people as his wife (never mind the fact that I never called him my husband... smh). However, there were some critical areas that caused me to hesitate and even after I brought them to his attention, he wouldn't or couldn't address them. And... come to think of it... the boyfriend before him talked about marrying me as well (and still maintains that he should have married me). But, he was afraid. So, marriage talk isn't new to me. What is new is hearing it from someone who's actually prepared to take that next step. I don't know what will come of all of this (I mean, we could part ways tomorrow, for all I know), but for now, I'm learning to embrace this experience. 

• I finally hired a nutritionist to provide me with weekly meal plans for the next two months. She sent the first one today and I'll start it next Sunday, since I already did my grocery shopping for this week. Uhm... let's just say, that it got real when I saw what I should be eating. Whew! PCOS is such a bitch... there are so many things that I have to cut out to get it under control. A few weeks ago, I went for a follow-up visit at the gynecologist and she looked at the size of my ovaries as well as the uterine lining. Without going into too much detail, I'll say that the news wasn't great. So, she upped my medication and told me to work on my diet for the next three months and then we'd go from there. My goal is to get off the synthetic medication completely, so by May, hopefully I'll be able to decrease the dosage. 
• Next, I think I'll need to hire a trainer, at least for a few months. I just can't seem to self motivate myself to work out. I am motivated to not waste my money, though. Also, I need someone to show me exactly what exercises I need to be doing to get the weight moving. Ugh... I hate to sound weight obsessed. The only reason why I'm focusing on weight loss is because it's the only way the PCOS symptoms will lessen. 
• Last week, layoffs were announced at my job. The senior leadership team has been working on an organization re-design, so we all expected people would get moved around. But, no one expected a ~25% reduction in force. And that those who were laid off would be without jobs by mid-April. Six weeks. The changes were announced on Monday and by Wednesday everyone on my 30 person umbrella team knew their status. I talked with some people on my 10 person team, so I knew that a few of them were staying. And on Friday, the new organization chart for our team was rolled out, so it was implicitly clear who was staying. Thankfully, I am staying. However, the whole experience has sucked. First, the worry about my position until I learned that I'd have a role going forward. And now, knowing who has been laid off has been heartbreaking. The layoffs have nothing to do with performance and everything to do with the organization going into a different direction. And, some roles just don't fit with the new direction. Some new roles are opening up, so there's a possibility some get into one of those new roles. But, there's not nearly enough new roles to cover everyone who's getting laid off. 
• Last week's experience was the reality check that I needed. When I took the job, I did so a bit nervously because it'd be the first time in several years that I'd be working without a contract. So, I knew that I could be let go at any time. However, in the nearly 6 months that I've been with the company, I got too comfortable. Like, something in my spirit told me that I was getting too comfortable. And then those layoffs were announced and it became crystal clear that I need to stay committed to working for myself full time. As much as I like my work environment, I need to keep in mind that these employers ain't loyal... not matter how much the work culture makes you feel like part of a family. It's a business at the end of the day. It was also a reminder that while the work we do is important, there's nothing more important than ensuring my livelihood doesn't disappear in the blink of an eye. 
• On the bright side, things are still progressing with CF. I'm still cautiously optimistic. I've known him for a little over a year and a part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's hard for me to just enjoy getting to know someone, but I'm learning. One thing that I've appreciated is that's clear that he likes me just for being me. That's it. In the past, it's felt like guys liked me because of what I could do for them. JE would tell me that he loved me often, but it never felt quite right because I wasn't convinced that he loved me and not what I provided for him. I keep in touch with a guy I dated several years ago and I'm glad that we aren't together anymore (for several reasons). He's a cool person BUT when he mentions what he appreciates about me, it's centered around him. *sigh* That shit is tiring. I mean, it's ok to like what a person does for you, but there should be more than that. My being isn't in service to you. 

Wow... it's been over a month since I last blogged. I certainly thought about blogging several times, and, well, here we are.

2016 has been going pretty well. I went to Atlanta and D.C. for work. Both trips went well, but I was reminded that I'm glad I don't have a job that requires a lot of travel. I like seeing new places, for pleasure. When I travel for work, I have to work while away and then come back and try to get back to my schedule which is completely thrown off.

Last month, I made an appointment with a new gynecologist (who is great!) and she ran blood work to see how things are with my PCOS. With one exception, my hormonal levels are in the normal range! That one exception can be corrected with a small change in my current medication. I was so glad to hear that because it means the two medications that I'm taking are doing their job. This also means that I can focus more on losing weight... women with PCOS tend to have trouble losing weight due to the hormonal imbalances. Now that mine are under control, I can focus on diet and exercise. My goal is to lose enough weight where I can stop the synthetic meds altogether. PCOS is such a trip... in order to alleviate symptoms you need to lose weight. But, the syndrome makes weight loss difficult. smh....

My work trips also made me realize that I don't travel enough for pleasure. That needs to change. My goal is to make three trips each year: one with friends, one alone, and one with the beau. If there's no beau... then two with me, myself, and I. But, first, I need to earn more money for trips.

So, speaking of a beau... College Fair (CF) is still in the picture. Things are developing at a steady pace... between work schedules, school (he's working on his PhD... it's odd  for me, being on the other side), and life and the long distance... it's a process. but, I think that's all a very good thing. Things with JE progressed so rapidly and I ignored obvious signs to slow down. I won't make that mistake again. CF and I weren't together for Valentine's Day and I enjoyed that. No matter how much you say that the day doesn't mean anything, there are still expectations. And, I just didn't feel like worrying about meeting expectations or not having my expectations met. But, I did receive a lovely box of chocolate covered strawberries (with a sweet note... heartfelt notes/cards are what I love the most about gifts) from Edible Arrangements. So, that's that. :-)

I still miss Austin. :-( I'm perplexed by this since I was sooo ready to leave. But, I miss it. When I was in D.C., I saw a lot of people that I used to work with and it felt so good to see familiar faces again. That's what I miss most: the familiarity... I'd finally figured out where to get everything that I need and while I did stick out like a sore thumb there, I was comfortable. I like my new apartment, but I don't love it like my last apartment, even though it's bigger, brand new and has some nicer features. But, I knew that it was time to leave. I'm just looking forward to feeling totally at home.

until next time...

Happy New Year! I hope you all welcomed the new year in safely! I stayed at home, fell asleep at around 9:30 and was awakened at midnight by the fireworks and gunshots in my neighborhood. *sigh* I miss my neighborhood in Austin. A lot. This apartment is definitely a temporary resting place.

I don't really do new year's resolutions, but I do plan to focus on three things this year: health, wealth, and love. My PCOS is... not under control. So, I need to get that together. I think that will help other areas that I'm concerned about. As far as wealth goes, I need to make more money. I like my job and it pays well, but I want more. That means finally launching my consulting business. That business fell to the wayside with all the other changes that I had going on, but I have to get back to it. Doing that also means I need to let go of my lack of  confidence... I think that's what has held me back. Love applies to self love, love for family and friends, and romantic love. Hopefully I'll remember to blog about them in detail at a later time.

Christmas was ok... we went back to Ft. Worth. My siblings weren't able to come. This is the first Christmas without them and I hated that.... not my ideal holiday. I also missed being in Tulsa. As we sat at my aunt's house, I had a feeling things would be different next year... not sure how, but they'll be different. JE texted me and our very brief conversation further confirmed that breaking up was the best decision. Smh...

Mr. College Fair and I are still a thing... So far, so good  great. Me being me, though,  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop... in 10 months, there's only been one issue and when I brought it to his attention, it was addressed. I remain cautiously optimistic. I'd really love to have a fulfilling relationship. It's been a while.

until next time...