I had a great dinner with Virginia and Maggi at the Olive Garden. It was Virginia's birthday yesterday and she's officially 25. I love hanging out with these three. It's so familiar and yet new at the same time. We don't meet up nearly as often we should but it's so amazing every time.

We had unlimited soup and salad with breadsticks. The food was awesome and the conversation was even better. We talked a lot about Maggi and Natalie. It's weird because our lives have taken such different paths. Maggi's about to become a mom and I'm not even out of community college. Haha.

I just can't wait to be done with school so I can start my real life. I want to be a teacher! Gosh darnit! I want to have our own place. It'll all happen soon and I can't wait.

At least look at the shop. It makes us sad when you don't even take a look around. I'm not saying you should buy something at all 38 shops but man, look around. Other than that, it's been fun and full of great food. Sandwiches, including the infamous peanut butter, butter, and grape jelly. Mmmhm. And chinese food today. Got home around 9:30 or so and hung out watching the family play video games.

Then inspiration hit and Aaron and I made a microwave mug cake! It was awesome. So tasty. Great day but I'm tired now and I really need some sleep. Gotta be at the shop at 8. :)

No answer from the extended family yet but you never know....

I actually have to build a family tree and genogram for one of my finals. It's a family communication class which has honestly been just like all other online classes, crap. I hate online classes. They are not conducive to learning. I want to learn and discuss and be able to know why you never give me full credit for any assignment. I answer all of your questions and add the vocab words from the text. What more do you want lady?

And I'm frustrated with this class also because the teacher frequently phrases questions as if everyone in the class has children or plans to have them. Times are changing and lots of younger couples are deciding to be childless. I know that most of the reasons are financial and I think this is a good thing. We won't have another generation of children who's parent's didn't save for their college and are now lost as to what to do with their life. I honestly thought growing up that my parents would be able to send me to a four year college.

It wasn't until a few days before I left for boot camp that my dad tried to convince me to stay by saying that he would do anything he had to in order to come up with the money for college so I didn't join the Army. He knew I wasn't cut out for the Army; I'm far too logical. But it was too late.

And it's not as if I regret my decision to join the Army either because I feel like a more well rounded individual for going through what I did. I know more what I'm capable of both physically and mentally because I was pushed so far. It was a tough experience but hey at least I have the money for college now.

I'm going to be a teacher. It's what I want more than anything. I want to enrich people's lives and make a difference. I know I can do it!

Family has never really extended past my parents and my half brother for me and to be completely honest we weren't that close knit at all. Right now I'm struggling to get along with my mother because as much as I don't want to admit it, I think we're a lot alike. My aunt has been sending me e-mails telling me what my mom was like when she was younger and it's given me a lot of insight.

It seems as if she gave up on herself and her life more than once. She gave up on her dreams when she got pregnant with my brother because she thought that her husband was going to be able to be her everything. I don't know anything about that relationship and I've never even met my brother's dad, I don't believe, but it has to be hard for her. Then they divorced and she met my dad. One of the greatest men in the entire world and one of the best role models that a girl could ask for.

Ok writing this while I'm menstruating is not going to work because I can't stop crying. I really want to get these emotions out and try to better understand them but since emotions aren't logical I just can't seem to deal with them.

But why I started to write this post is because I wrote to my cousin, Rachel. It's weird but I've heard her name mentioned once before in a hushed voice when my mom told me that I couldn't tell anyone that I knew that my Uncle Ernie had a child that no one else in the family knew about. Well, now that child is all grown up and she's on Facebook. I wrote to her and know I just have to wait to see what happens.

This whole "family" thing is really new to me. It's weird but I want it SO bad. I also feel really weak admitting that too. I don't know why but I do. I wish we could've had a closer knit family my whole life but I'm hoping that I can make up for lost time. I hope I have the courage to push through all of these emotions that I don't understand.

Free Write.....

Bloated. That's how I feel as of this very moment. Stressed. I hate stress. I affects me way to much. I hate hearing people yell at each other. It sounds so hippie but seriously why can't everybody just get along? I just wish that every one could try, even for just one day, to be nicer to each other. Respect each other. Treat each other like human beings. Ones that deserve to be on the planet. Ugh. I guess I'm fed up. I don't really know of what but I'm fed up.

I just want to get passed being 25 and having no purpose. I want to have a career again. I want to feel like a contributing member of society. I know that I have to get through these classes in order to get my degree but I just want them to be over. I want Tim and I to start our real lives. I want to see who we become.

We deserve so much. We deserve to be happy. We deserve to have what we want from life. We deserve it because we've both worked our butt's off and it's yet to pay off. I just want to get passed this feeling. I also need to work on being more comfortable with being Dana. I obviously can't change who I am. I've been this way for far too long to try and change now. I need to accept it.

I'm Dana Curtis. I'm socially ackward. I hate being hugged by everyone except Tim. Even the thought that hug may happen soon makes me nervous and I want to curl up in a little ball and cry. I'm oftentimes rude. It's as if I have no filter. I don't understand emotions. They're not logical so I can't understand them. Babies aren't automatically adorable to me. I really do wish that there could be peace on Earth and that the rich should share their wealth. That's right, I think a form of communism/socialism sounds great. I think I would even enjoy working and living on a farm/commune where you produce your own food and everyone is part of the common good. I love food. Everything except deviled eggs and tuna. I don't want kids because I would be a horrible mother. I value intelligence so much that it makes me judge mental. I need to work on that. Ok that's enough. :)

That was fun.

Curvy and healthy looking yes, but not skinny. When I go into stores I still reach for the XL when I fit in s-m's. It's so frustrating. I shouldn't be complaining about being thinner because overall I feel a lot better about myself but I don't know this Dana.

This Dana needs...something. I don't know what it is yet. Hopefully I find it.

So I guess I'm at the age when people are going to start asking more often about when I'm going to have kids. I don't want any kids. It's not that I don't like kids but I'm not meant to be a mom. I don't think I have it in me. I have no maternal instincts and generally I think I lack the emotion needed to be a mom.

It takes so much to be a mom, at least a good one. I don't want to be totally responsible for how another human being turns out. That's too much. I'm so lucky that Tim agrees with me. I just hope his mind doesn't change because I really don't think mine is ever going to.

Some people just aren't up to the task. Those who can't do, teach. That's who I am. I'm a teacher. I love teaching. I'm not specifically great at anything. Never have been. Always the bridesmaid, 2nd runner up, or just someone that's easy to overlook because they're mediocre at a lot of things. It's not to say that I'm not happy with it.

I'm happy with who I am. I satisfied with my mind, my body, my everything. And that feels good.