Perfect crushed art

Sometimes it's funny how life turns out to be.

My first baby that I brought home and called her mine. I lost her to the battle of seizures. Scenarios replayed over and over again. Thinking whether if I did something earlier, that it will help everything. Dealing with death is never easy. Dealing with a sudden death is really difficult. She was my responsibility. And I failed her. I miss her very much. I miss you, big nose.

I always thought what it was like to grow up without him. Whether or not what others say about single family child is true. I wish she was stronger, I wish she was as strong as I thought she was. In my 27 years of life, she brought me up teaching me to be independent. To know when to let go of things when you pick them up (it sounds so much better in Chinese). I'm a tad bit disappointed. And yet I'm still trying to give her what she wants but may not necessary deserve. Hoping that things will remain the same as before is always a big mistake.

I no longer find joy in the big part of what I do with my life. Definitely burdened by the repeated failures and the confidence is bruised. A big part of me is no longer (or maybe never) motivated to continue on this journey and maybe want an out. But I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting myself into. I know I want the easy way out - and that is to quit, though it may not be right.