So I have been on a sabbatical. I have recently been inspired by another blog I have been reading to get mine up and running again. The lady lost her mom a few years ago and she writes about her feelings and experiences. I look back at the last 6, actually more like 10 months of my life and feel remorse that I haven't written anything and everything. I don't write in a journal,so this is my only way to keep track of what my family and I have been up to. I feel like I haven't wanted to post anything because one: I have been in survival mode and it is easier not to face the music. Second, maybe because I am afraid of showing my feelings because I don't want my friends/family to know I have weak moments. Well, from now on I don't want to worry about what people have to think or say about me. I want to do this blog for my kids. I want them to have some memory of me when I am no longer on this earth. So please forgive me now if I say things that are TMI(too much info).
So where to start. I guess I need to address my moms death. I don't feel like I have actually dealt with it until recently. Here is the story. Quite long but needs to be told. Maybe it will help me heal by telling it.
It was June 25th, the day before my sweet little Emma's 5th birthday. My in-laws were going to be gone to girls camp on her birthday we decided to celebrate a day early. We went to Sand Hallow Aquatics Center to swim and have cupcakes. Most of our Gough family was there, the Anaya's, and the Rowley's. It was so fun. I was kind of ornery because my mom was too sick to come watch the kids swim (one regret).
The next day I got a call from my mom after her doctor appointment. I could tell she was so discouraged. I had trained myself to ask, "What is wrong"? She told me we would talk that night when we went over to celebrate Emma's birthday. I was so grumpy and thought to myself that I didn't want to talk about my moms health that night. It was always the topic of our conversation. I have to admit, sometimes I was so tired of talking about it. That day especially. I just wanted to celebrate my oldest being 5, not doctors, tests, medicine, etc. So I said, "No, tell me what the doc said." She continued, "Cathleen doesn't know what else she can do for me and thinks I should have hospice". That totally took me back and I heard my mom give up. I actually heard it in her voice. Until this point I saw her trying. Trying random oils, acupuncture, therapy, etc. I knew she was done. My heart ached for her. Her doctor said she was done. I wanted to cry for her, for me, for my grumpy attitude. I was tired. I told her I would come over in a few. We went to my parents to have dinner and celebrate Em's birthday. The kids loved being outside in the garage with Papa and I sat in my mom's bedroom and chatted about what was next. Confession time. I HATED sitting in her room day in and day out watching her in bed. I so desperately wanted her to walk out to the family room and sit in her rocking chair. She was too weak and that hadn't happened for months.
Later that evening after I got the kids out of the tub my sweet dad called and said he and my mom were not feeling well, and wondered if I could come over. I drug my ornery butt over there to help. My poor mom was having difficulty breathing (pulmonary fibrosis). I think a lot was the news she got earlier. We sat and tried to decided if we should take her to the ER, or just give her more oxygen. Going to the ER meant more poking and prodding and trauma to her. It always took her weeks to recover when we took her there. So more oxygen it was. Her home oxygen only went to 10 liters and she was needing more, so I spent the night and switched her portable oxygen that went to 15 liters every hour. My dad slept all night which was so good for him. That is so not like him.
I went home the next morning so Dust could get to work. I called all of my siblings and said we need a family council. Things were going downhill fast and I needed help and everyone to be on the same page. We planned for everyone to come down July 4th. I wanted my parents to express their desired too, not just me.
About noon my dad called and said the OB/GYN's office called and they had and opening and wondered if I could take my mom because he still wasn't feeling well. It's a long story, but my moms bladder was bad and they had a device to lift the bladder and it had come in. So I got my kids all farmed out and took my mom. She was so weak and struggling for air. I got her there and the device put in. We had to sit in the exam room for quite a while so she could gain some strength and catch her breath. I got her home about 3:30pm and her and my dad took a nap.
At 7:00 my dad called and said they just got up and mom wasn't doing good. He was thinking of calling the ambulance. I got my kids settled with Dust and I went over. We did the whole should we go or stay. Hospice was scheduled to come in the morning so we decided to make her comfortable and get her through the night. WOW! A long night. My dad was still not feeling well, so he rested (thank goodness. That is so not like him). I sat at my mom's bed all night watching her oxygen level on the oximeter. It was low all night. Little did I know how dangerously low it was. It was in the 70's. When it would drop I would reminder her to breath in through her noise and out through her mouth. It helped her numbers come up. At some points I had her on her home oxygen at 10 liters and her portable at 15 liters. At 3:00am she had to go the bathroom. It took 2 hours to get her out of bed, in the wheelchair, to the toilet, back to the wheelchair, and back to bed. Her oxygen would drop, and we would sit and get it back up. I still did not know how dangerously low it was. At 5:50am after she had fallen asleep a wake of exhaustion came over me. I wanted to cry I was so tired. Two full nights of being up. I decided to go lay down and the spirit told me it was okay. She would call me if she needed me. At 6:15am I heard her call for me. She said, "I have to go in, I can't catch my breath". She was way to weak for me to get her in the car, so I called the ambulance.
It was so routine. We had done this so many times over the past 9 months. We would go get her oxygen up, maybe spend a night, and be back home. I talked to the dispatch and explained the night, her oximeter numbers, and how much oxygen she was on-25 liters at some points. I let the ambulance and firemen in. I have never seen them work so fast to get her to the stretcher. They grabbed her sheet and lifted her up so fast. It still felt so routine that I didn't notice their urgency. Now looking back they knew this lady was in trouble. We had double the workers there and they worked faster than ever.
I always drive in the ambulance with my mom, but this time I decided to follow so I would have my car. I talked my dad into staying home and resting since he still wasn't feeling good. I couldn't believe he agreed to it. He is so protective of my mom. I told him I would call when we got admitted to her room. We had done this so many times it was so routine. So I followed the ambulance up Dixie Drive. The sun was coming up and there wasn't much traffic at that time of the morning. I started calling my siblings. I was talking to my sister when the ambulance turned onto Sunset. All of the sudden I noticed the lights were on and they were flying. I panicked. I started crying and told my sister something was different. The lights are NEVER on. I had to stop at a red light that they went through. My sister said she would call everyone and she was on her way down.
I took a different route than the ambulance and got there at the same time. I parked and ran into the ER. The nurse at the desk happened to be my sister-in-laws, sister-in-law. A familiar face. I told her the ambulance was just pulling in and asked if I could go back. She went to check and came back a few minutes later to take me back. We were in a trauma room not a regular room. There must have been 15 people in there working on my mom. She had terror all over her face. I heard the doctor say, "Kathy you better start breathing or I am going to have to intabate you". She looked at him and said, "If you do, I will never come off of it". I still was pretty oblivious to the severity until I heard him say that. The only thing I could do was sit back and watch. I wanted so desperately to stand by moms side and tell her I was there. She looked so scared. I was answering all the medical questions the nurse was asking because I know her inside and out and they put a big breathing mask on my mom (bypass). X-ray came in to do a chest x-ray. It was my sister-in-law Kylie. I was so happy because she got to go right up to my mom and tell her it was okay for me.
A few minutes later I was out talking to the doc and giving him her history. He said, "She isn't doing good, we are going to have to intabate her. She said she won't come off of it". I said she won't. He said they would do everything in their power to not intabate her. He also explained that they were doing a central line instead of an IV. It goes in a major artery so they can get whatever my mom needed as fast as they could.
At this point I was overwhelmed, but holding my own. I tried not to look scared to the docs and nurses. I wanted them to tell me everything that was going on. I was afraid that if I looked scared they wouldn't tell me. At this point I was afraid that my dad wasn't there, and I didn't want something to happen and he not be there. I said a prayer and the spirit told me that I would know the right time to call my dad. I wanted to spare him all of this trauma. He loved my mom so much and was so protective of her and this would have driven him crazy.
A few minutes later they told me the central line went in the wrong way and punctured her lung. WHAT!!! Her lungs are so bad now what. They tried again and the same thing happened. The third time they used an ultrasound to guide the wire in. It worked this time. They told me because they punctured her lung they needed to put a chest tube in. The doc told me he didn't think she was going to make it. I was in disbelief, denial, shock. I watched the doc open up a sterile kit with a scalpel. I thought, "They are going to cut her open right here, right now". This is serious. It went really quickly. I still yearned to be by my mom and tell her I was there and everything would be fine. There were too many workers and that was just not possible. They got her chest tube in and stable. They said, ICU was really busy and they were waiting for a room to open up, and then she would be moved up there. My sister Karrie and brother Shad were already on there way at this point. They were going to pick my dad up when they got to St. George and bring him over. When they told me about ICU, I called my other brothers Kyle and Cam and told them. Cam said, "We are on our way". It quieted down in the room and the nurses/ER docs were done. My mom was very sedated and calm. The spirit whispered, get your dad here. I called Dust and said dad needs to come now. Please take the kids to Jan's and bring him. I told him to call when they got to the parking lot so I could talk to my dad and explain everything before he went in. He still new nothing. During this time I was so nervous, and paced the hallway just outside my moms room. Looking back I wish so desperately that I would have sat by her and comforted her. She was sleeping but I was so nervous to go up to her. I was so scared of what was to come. I didn't have the words or the ability to make it better so I just paced waiting for Dust to call me.
The phone rang and I literally ran to the ER waiting room to greet them. The cutest husband and dad came through the door. I prayed with all my might that I would stay calm and not loose it on my dad as I explained all that had gone on. I remember him so vividly. Sitting in front of me with his cute shorts (he had just bought them) and a coke in hand. He stayed calm himself. As we walked side by side to my moms room I prayed he wouldn't be mad at me for not calling him sooner. As her room came in site the spirit reassured me I did the right thing. Her room was empty. No trauma, no docs, no nurses. No one was in there. He could stand by her and stroke her hair and talk to her. She had the big bypass machine mask on so she couldn't respond but her eyes said enough. My moms Pulmonologist came in to talk to us. We talked about intabating her. He agreed that with her weak state she would never come off of it.
A short time later they transported her to ICU. They make anyone going up with the patient to wait in the waiting room until they get the patient settled. I sat with my dad while Dust moved cars, and got us drinks. 20 minutes turned into 2 hours. I was on the phone with a lot to family. Specifically my brother Trent who was on a plane coming from Hawaii. He kept asking me, "Am I going to make it?" I prayed that I would know what to say to comfort him. I told him, "Trent, I don't know who she HAS to see before she passes. I just know that as soon as she sees who she needs to see, she will be gone". Don't stress just get here when you can.
By this time my sister Karrie and brother Shad have made it. I looked at the clock and it had been 2 hours. I got a pit in my stomach. Something must have gone wrong is what I assumed. I finally called on the phone and said we have been waiting for 2 hours to see Kathy Holden. Is everything okay. They said, "Yes, come back". Since only 2 visitors are allowed at a time my dad and I went first. Kind of selfish of me, but I just had to see her. As I walked down the hall I noticed all the rooms were empty. My mom was the only patient. Why did they tell me it was so packed and that's what took so long to get her to ICU. Oh well. I just wanted to see my mom. She looked the same, hooked up to a million machines and the bypass machine on her face. Her poor eyes were still telling me she was nervous. I talked to the nurse and asked if the doctor was going to come in. She said, "He did, but you weren't here, so he said he would come back". My reply "What, we never left. We have been waiting in the waiting room for 2 hours". She said, "I am so sorry. I never thought to come see if you were there. Kathy told us you guys went to lunch". I wanted to strangle my mother. She really thought we would go to lunch in such a time as this. I filled out the paperwork like I had done a million times. I honestly have to say at this point I am still completely clueless as to what is to come. It still felt routine. I could do the paperwork blind. I got to one point and it was new. I went and asked the nurse. She said, "It is because of what Dr. Kline (pulmonologist) wrote". I said, "What did he write". She showed me his handwriting that said, 'Do Not Intabate.' That meant there was nothing we could do for my mom. I decided I needed to let another sibling come in, so I told the nurse to send them out to get me when the doc comes in.
When I got out to the waiting room there was my family, Dustin, Karrie, Shad, Kyle, and Cam. Karrie and Shad went back and I sat and talked to Kyle and Cam. Not 10 minutes later I heard the door and Shad yelled, "Chick come quick". We all went. There was a nurse talking to my dad. She was explaining that they wanted to make my mom comfortable. She was in so much distress that they wanted to help her go peacefully. They would medicate her, and she could go peacefully when she was ready. She explained that it does not cause her to pass away. She goes when she is ready. WOW!!! Did she just say what I think she said? My mom was going to die. This could not be happening right here, right now. I was not ready. I knew my mom was going downhill, but this ripped my heart out and fed it back to me. I wanted to cry, hit someone, throw up, scream, you name it, it crossed my mind. I looked at my dad and he looked at me. Our eyes told each other we were going to be okay. This is all okay. My dad said, "Ok". We surrounded my mother and the nurse explained what was going to happen. She asked my mom what she wanted. We took the mask off for a second to hear my mom. Her sweet words struck us to tears. "Whatever dad wants". My sweet dad bend down, kissed her and said, "It's okay babe. I love you". For two hours we sat around her bed talking to her, telling her how much we loved her, telling her everything would be okay, laughing about our childhood, crying for her, crying with and for my dad. It was the most heavenly 2 hours of my life. As she took her last breath, we all again expressed our most heartfelt, deepest love for her and the mother she was. We started making calls to family.
The nurse came in and asked what mortuary we were going to use. Seriously how would we know. We haven't got a clue. They gave us a paper with some listed. I prayed we would make the right choice. We did know there are a few in town that are very over the top and we didn't want them. My dad said, "Heideman-Hughes". I said who are they. He said just call them. I asked my dad if I could go meet them before they came. I didn't want a stranger coming to pick my mom up. He said that was fine. My brother Shad got right on the phone and made an arrangement to meet them in 15 minutes. Shad, Dustin, and myself left to meet with the funeral director. Right when I walked in and shook his hand I knew it was right. He said lets sit and talk about pricing. I said, "It doesn't matter, you are perfect".
We went back to the hospital. I never dreamed how hard that would be. I hadn't left my mothers side for over 21 hours. I had been in this sheltered world of the hospital for 11 hours. When I went back into her room and saw her I lost it. I actually had to leave the room for a second and regain my composure. Also for the first time in my life I actually felt myself about to hit the floor. Literally I almost passed out. My mom was gone. She was REALLY gone. I hadn't slept or eaten for 21 hours, so that didn't help. The funeral directors came and got my sweet mom's body. They are honestly the nicest men. So nice and compassionate.
We went to my mom and dads and planned the funeral and wrote the obituary. My poor dad was so tired that he laid in his room and let us do our stuff. Only on 2 occasions did we hear him yell from his room with his opinion.
The following days were filled with family, mourning, learning, being strengthened, and being humbled. I loved the way I felt. The spirit was with me so strong. I actually was so afraid, truly afraid for when it would leave me. I actually laid in bed at night and prayed that it wouldn't be gone in the morning. I can't even tell you when it was gone. That's how kind Heavenly Father was to me.
The funeral was amazing. You can read and see the pictures from the funeral here: http://dandcgough.blogspot.com/2012/10/my-mom.html
There were so many tender mercies that I received that day. I wanted to list them so I don't forget
1. I got to spend a lot of time with her before she passed. The entire night before and all day.
2. The nurse at the front desk of the ER was my sister-in-laws, sister-in-law. She told the ER docs I was coming back. When she originally went back they said no family. She told them she knew me and was letting me come back.
3. I knew when to get my dad there.
4. They told me wrong about my mom being moved out of ER. The floor was so busy that's why they took her to ICU, to wait for a room. ICU was so quiet and gave us a place to say our goodbyes.
5. My mom told the ICU nurses that we went to lunch. That gave us 2 hours to get my siblings there before they started the process of making her comfortable.
6. The bonding experience my dad and all of us kids experienced.
7. Having the spirit with me as long as I needed it and sometimes still need it.
7 years ago
