Sticky Kisses

The second place finisher at the 2011 Hoffman Gingerbread house competition. A Shaolin monastery with monks practicing, a weapons shelf, a bamboo forest, and fun. We lost to a volcano.

What would the holidays be like without a trip to the ER?

Our family would not know. I think visiting yearly during Christmas break is the only tradition we've never missed.

Susanna managed to get into her sibling's fluoride enhanced vitamins and pounded a few. After a call to poison control, they looked up the meds and told us to get her to the ER as soon as possible. David thought this odd, but went with it.

Upon arriving at the emergency room they rushed us to a room in the back (poison control apparently called ahead for us) and the doctor saw us immediately. After writing down the name of the vitamin he went to "do a little more research".

He came back and double checked Susanne's weight. He then informed us that it would take about 80 pills (not 3 or 4) for him to even become concerned.

Then it took about 30 minutes to discharge us.

Dear Poison Control, that will be $75 dollars please, make checks payable to David Hoffman, #1 Annoyed Ave...

Don't look for the deer four feet away, point to the one walking in the distance, or watch the sparrows instead.



Park fun.






Park not fun.



Hugs.



Let sleeping tigers lie.



Ride the train!



Just here to see the animals.




Best part of the zoo? Walking around the bench!

"Nannie's crying, I don't think she liked our gift."

"Individual[s] on whom [we] can thoroughly rely." - Sherlock Holmes

"We have sufficient for our needs." - Petra

"Wait for ittttttt." - Psych (this was disqualified as it is not a movie)

"They're so fluffy!" - Despicable me

"Inconceivable" - Princess Bride

"far superior to a cocker spaniel." and "Merry Christmas" - White Christmas (only needed one of the references).

"thinks if he could drive a car, he could change the world." - Speed Racer

"beautiful, unethical, dangerous" - The Dark Knight

"all in" is used in too many movies to consider a recognizable quotation, but Casino Royale works, though we did not count it.

"blend! blend! blend!" - The Penguin's Christmas Caper

"Plays ball like a girl." - Sandlot

"no Liberace you know." - Goonies

"herbology" (actually not practiced by Melissa as it is a reference to Harry Potter)

"what in thunder are [we] tryin' to do? Crazy woman driver!" - 101 Dalmations

Dear Family and Friends,

As another year ends we find ourselves continually blessed. We are surrounded by individuals on whom we can thoroughly rely. We have sufficient for our needs and wants. Our children have been protected and kept safe. Our eternal marriage is stronger than tungsten because of eternal covenants made in God's Holy Temple. And most importantly, we know our Heavenly Father provided His Son as a sacrifice for our sins; Jesus Christ overcame death and paid the price of sin that we may return to live with God again. What a wonderful season when many individuals remember and celebrate this paramount event.

To you: thank you for taking the time to read our blog! We know life in the fast lane sometimes feels more like life in front of oncoming traffic. It is almost inconceivable to keep up will all of those we care about, and this is our most efficient method of sharing our adventures and joys with you. We know your lives are similarly busy, it takes time to read and comment on our blog, but doing so lets us know you care. So, thanks!

Here are the year's updates by individual.

Wait for ittttttt. And go!



Susanna

She never fails to express her opinion on any matter relating to her life. We hope she will start using words other people can understand soon.

Her chocolate milk addiction is approaching intervention stage. More information on that subject in future posts.

She loves animals. They're so fluffy! She would spend all day watching and playing with various animals if she had the opportunity. One of her favorite places to rest is in front of the fish tank with her blankets and Dad. David would love to get a "toy" sized bichon frise for her, they're far superior to a cocker spaniel.

She loathes socks, and clothing in general. Oh well.

She is electronically gifted. She performs tasks on Melissa's iPod neither of her parents believed possible, and she repeats those actions intelligently. For example, she knows where to get her favorite games, movies, and music. If there is a tv, computer, or other media device on in the house, you will find her there or yelling at the door "pblezquzz", her word for "please".



Amirrah

She learned to ride a bike this year, pretty much on her own. The first time David took off the training wheels she rode a 1/2 mile without falling after he let go of the seat.

She began dance lessons, and continues her love of clothing, appearance, and extreme girly-ness.

She is hoping for a violin this Christmas so she can do "a pretty instrument instead of piano". (Not the sound, how it looks when she holds it.)

She also earned her scriptures (you get a set in our family once you can read two verses of Isaiah and correctly identify the basic idea). Her pre-school - "UPSTART: Rusty and Rosy" offered in-home through the Waterford Institute - is one of her favorite activities.

If you want to win her over, a five guys burger and fries is the way to go.





Timothy

Is a boy. Does anything else need to be said? He thinks if he could drive a car, he could change the world. If it is beautiful, unethical, dangerous, explodes, sounds loud, smells funny, is dangerous, causes damage to bad guys, requires repair, is weaponized, or is manly in his own mind, he's all in. He likes to hide, blend! blend! blend!

He dominates his age group in soccer, does plenty of push-ups, holds his own in video games, and constantly makes noise with singing and sound effects; while brushing his teeth, the sound of machine guns can be heard throughout the house. The other evening we found him singing in his sleep.




Magdalyn

Plays ball like a girl. Intense one moment, and distracted the next. In spite of this, she managed to score her one and only goal of her less-than-illustrious soccer career. Shortly thereafter, she determined that soccer was not for her.

Maggie enjoys school, and is excelling in the Alpine School District's A.L.L. program. The class provides lots of opportunities to make new friends and play new games.

She's got a little fight in her and enjoys practicing ch'uan fa, running, and skating. She ran a 5k in under 31 minutes and did the Turkey Trot this year also.


Melissa

Melissa continues to develop her various talents while juggling carpool, bountiful baskets, sewing, and her full time profession as wife and mother. In addition to hemming pants, suits, and making alterations for a great price to those in our Stake, some of her sewing projects this year include pajamas, dress suits and shirts, costumes, jeans, music lesson bags, and various types of clothing that function as underclothing to keep ladies modest.

She picked up piano lessons again this year and will hopefully begin learning hymns and primary songs in the next few months. She is close, but she is no Liberace you know.

She developed an interest in improving her abilities to heal, comfort, and relieve her family's pains, which led to studying and practicing more eastern philosophies of health such as acupressure, massage, reflexology, and herbology.

Her two highlights for the year were first, the vacation with David to the Blue Boar Inn for their anniversary (Worth. Every. Penny.), and second, the opportunity to sign for the choir in the Worldwide General Relief Society Meeting in September.

She collected many cooking manuals, books, recipes, which led to many... adventures... and an excellent ciabatta bread recipe.

Other than that, she switched out her Odyssey for a Subaru Legacy. Some of you may wonder what in thunder are [we] tryin' to do? Crazy woman driver! But she is still accident free.


David

Continues to spend as much time as possible with the family and provide teaching, learning, and enjoyable memorable experiences with the children. In his non-existent spare time, he reads a variety of magazines, books, and follows news, politics, and a variety of hobbies. He continues his political activity serving as a State Delegate. He also developed a new taste for sparring.

He continues his employment teaching Seminary and writing curriculum for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Other than that, he switched out his Legacy for a Dodge Ram Big Horn Crew Cab. Yea, it's got a Hemi. We are blessed.

Thanks for reading. You may have noticed some of the sentences in this letter were not as crisply fit to the subjects, this is because of our blog reader challenge now becomes find all the movie quotations in our newsletter. Guesses go in the comments section. If anyone can list all of them before Christmas and the movie they come from, we will provide them a quart of Melissa's amazing homemade jam.

Merry Christmas!

Love,
The Hoffman's

There is one benefit to having a vaulted ceiling. (Yes, only one.) It comes once a year, and lasts for about a month. It is the opportunity to eliminate all space from your living room and increase the probability of burning down your home. It is the best holiday tradition of all. Killing an oxygen producing "evergreen" tree, placing it in a location where sunlight cannot reach it, and watching it slowly die.

[It is almost as cool as giving someone freshly killed flowers as an expression of love. "Here, these are for you, watch them die."]

But at least it smells super good. The smell of diapers and children almost leaves the home for a while, so it is totally worth it.



No, we are not too lazy to get an extension cord, we have the lights on the floor in hopes that the children will not trip over and break another set.

Which reminds me of my favorite secular holiday tune...

When Nannie came for Thanksgiving this year, she brought with her the memory of a game, pulled out of the attic of her mind, dusted off, and passed on to her grandchildren.

Has anyone noticed that the things that grandparents bring to cause the grandchildren joy are often the things that are the most painful to parents?

Evidence for the prosecution:

Exhibit A
The game "No bears are out tonight"

The game starts with two people being "it". They are positioned in the front yard. The others playing the game, or coerced into joining through accusations of poor parenting, are in the back. They are expected to frolic around the back yard screa - er - I mean, singing the following occult chant:

No bears are out tonight, Daddy killed them all last night, no bears are out tonight, Daddy killed them all last night...

Until the two bears "sneak" around the yard and tackle (bear hug) two others, who become the bears.

It is simply tag, with additional embarrassment as the neighbors look out their windows and worry about the crazies next door.



Wait for iiiittttttttttttttttttt. (Notice the psychotic stance and glare of Tim?)



Richard gets mugged/hugged. Ami shrieks in delight running from nothing since the two bears are in the process of mauling Richard. Other siblings watch in embarrassment as blinds around the block slowly close.



Susanna proves that she is more like her father each day. In this picture she logically observes the game, determines its level of quality, and makes her decision (to leave).

Exhibit B:

They bought us a drum set.

The prosecution rests.

Eagle Mountain City Turkey Trot

Location: Up and Down Unity Pass

Date: Thanksgiving, 8am

Distance: 3.65 miles

Who: Dad and Maggie

Time: 40 minutes, 48 Seconds (Dad slowed her down.)

Results: Endorphins for Maggie; Advil, Poweraid, and Blisters for Dad.

For Maggie's 2nd Christmas, she got this big care bear.



They were pretty close in size as well as color.
She slept with it regularly.



Now Susanna, at the same age Maggie was in these 2 pictures, has discovered it and likes to sleep with it.

Even better? She was wearing those same pajamas Maggie had on in the pictures!

Last night, David tucked in all the sleeping kids. I made the rounds, unaware of his earlier actions.

When I finished, I asked David if he'd tucked in the kids.
D: Yes.
M: And the Care Bear?
D: What? (a bit confused)
M: Did you have your glasses on?
D: No.
M: Oh. I found the Care Bear carefully tucked in under the blankets.
D: That's odd. What happened to Susanne?
M: She's on top of the blankets.
D: She was asleep when I tucked her in.
M: I don't think that changed.

It was a slightly cloudy and pleasant night...



So we trick-or-treated the children into fatigue.



Approximately 4 miles walked. Over 200 pieces of candy



Some of the houses had individuals hiding and scared the children. Fun.



The Smiths joined us in our adventure.

"TIM! HERE. NOW...

"... bud, the phrase is bucking bronco. Bucking. Say it with me now BUCK-ing bronco."

*edited for content*

"Ba. Buh buh buh-ucking bronco"

"Buft-ing bronco"

"Good enough. Why not avoid that phrase little buddy."

"Yes dad."

After seeing our blog, a friend mentioned to us, "I love your family pictures, there is always someone who is not smiling." We laughed at how accurate that seems to be. Since then we have noticed some situations which have caused us to question if that astute observation goes beyond the photos...

Evidence #1: Photos don't lie, unless they have been photoshopped, which we have not.


Evidence #2:

"Tim, pleeeeaaassseee read me a book," begged Ami

"Da da, dupp dupp, ding ding" (Tim has his own perpetual soundtrack.)

"Pretty plleeeeeaaaasssseeeee, with I get the cherry on top."

"Nope, da dope, mo soap, galope, so-nope"

"Daaaadddd! I asked Tim nicely to read to me and he won't."

*ignoring*

*Ami kicks Tim in the shins*.

"OOOOOWWWWWW"

"Ami, please come here!"

*Tim comes down the stairs with that 'I'm about to do push-ups' look on his face*

"Tim, I called for Ami."

"Really??? Whooo-WHOOO!"

*He turns around, bends forward slightly, and puts his left foot forward and begins a dance. Left check wiggle twice. Right foot on first stair. Right hip thrust, wiggle-wiggle, arms raised in celebration, bend forward and pause* "Oh yea-ah, un-hunh, not-me-ee, oh no-oh" *Left step, wiggle wiggle... continues up the stairs shake'n his lack of booty*

"Dad wants you-ooo-be-do-doo- whoo-whoo"

Ami comes down dejected. There's always one...


Evidence #3:

Family movie night. Lion King. Once we are all settled.

"I don't want to watch Lion King. Scar is scary," whined Ami.

"But we already started."

"Dad, did you buy Thor, or did we just rent it," asked Maggie.

"Bought it, why?"

"It's not scary."

"Wait, Lion King is more scary than Thor?"

"Yes!" Maggie and Ami simultaneously respond.

"Totally" Tim adds.

"Hold on, you two have not even seen Thor."

"We know."

"But this is family movie time!"

"Can we still be a family if we watch Thor?" Asked Ami.

"Fine, but Susanna, Tim, Mom and I will be watching Lion King in here."

"Sweet."

"Totally sweet."

*Halfway through the movie, Ami decides Thor is boring, and Tim decides Lion King is boring. And they switch, only to then start playing with Legos."

Our microwave (yes the new one) stopped working today. So I pulled out a pan, and started cooking the oatmeal.

The children's jaws dropped in shock.

"What are you doing?"

"Cooking the oatmeal."

"You can do that????"

"Yes, this is how we did it when I was a kid." (Note the immediate feeling of being old descending lightly like a grand piano out of a penthouse.)

The silly giggles began, along with the mimickery, - 'look at me, I am cooking on a stove' 'me too'.

When it finished cooking, Maggie anticipated, "I hope this worked!"

It's magic! Fortunately the microwave will be back soon, so we can cook our food right using quality, tested, scientific principles.

A few weeks ago I was assigned as a member of the choir for the General Relief Society broadcast. My assignment differed slightly, my hands would do the singing. Two deaf sisters and I would be signing the songs.

One of the more interesting things we did was examine the translations of the songs. American Sign Language is designed to translate meaning, not every word. For example, in the song "Now Let Us Rejoice", the phrase, "and never dissemble" we translated "gossip never" after looking up the meaning of the word dissemble.

It is an interesting challenge to "sing" a song with the same meaning and different words at the same time as a choir, but the experience was precious, and a great opportunity for growth. It stretched me a ton.

If you look closely at the picture, I am (looking towards the organ) the second person from the left on the bottom row.

""?

Fruits-------------------Vegetables
5 bananas---------------1 head cauliflower
20 plums ---------------1 bunch green leaf lettuce
5 Bosch pears ----------2 bunches spinach
5 Roma tomatoes ------1 celery
4 nectarines-------------22 white potatoes
2 (giant) mangoes
1 pound green grapes

22 pounds. $16.50 (handling fee included.)

Fish Update:

1. The guppies (Bond and Vesper) have given birth to 5 children. Vesper ate one. Fish death 65.

2. We put three in a small container to let them grow. Three weeks later we found one surviving in the large tank. Melissa felt he deserved to live, so we named him Frodo since he survived certain death for a long time. We returned the other three to the tank, naming them Samwise, Merry and Pip.

3. A day after returning them to the tank, Vesper gave birth to another 15 children. Our tank cannot handle that load, so we held a family teaching moment.
- I turned on "The Circle of Life" from the Lion King Soundtrack.
- We captured the 15 newborns in a small net and placed them in a container.
- We then enjoyed the following conversation:
"Kids, what becomes dirt?"
*confusion*
"Dead stuff."
"What eats dirt?"
"Worms!"
"What eats worms?"
"Birds"
"What eats birds?"
"Big Birds!"
"What eats big birds?
"Coyotes!"
"Okay, what eats Coyotes?"
"Foxes!"
"Not so sure about that, let's just say Coyotes die from disease and starvation. When their bodies die and become dirt, what eats dirt?"
"Babies!"
"No. Well, not usually. What eats fish?"
"Bigger fish!"
"What eats bigger fish?"
"Sharks!"
"What eats sharks?"
"Foxes!"
"Yes, I mean, wait, what??? Tim, when was the last time you saw a fox eat a shark?"
"It could happen."
"Okay, we'll just go with that."
"It is time to watch this pattern, it is called the circle of life. Do you see these guppies?"
"Yes."
"Do you see Oscar el demonio blanco, el matador de los pescados (sweetest fish name ever for our Japanese fighting fish in a separate bowl)?"
"Yes."
"He's the bigger fish."
I then poured the guppy fry into the bowl with Oscar.


Maggie broke down into laughing tears.
Tim: "Cool!"
Ami: "They get to share now!"
Susanna: "Meeeee!"

After the feast, Maggie decided to express her feelings in a poem:

This morning Oscar ate four newborn fry.
At first I was excited,
but then I started to cry,
As I watched them die.

4. We bought 3 ottocynclids to help with the tank, two died. Plus the guppies. Death total up to 82. Staying alive: 11 fish, one snail, two shrimp, 4 children.

Oh, and by the way, foxes are at the top of the food chain.

Ami's fourth birthday wish list:
- Shopping for Clothing (check)
- Little Mermaid Cake and Girl's Fingernail Party (check)
- Thanksgiving Point Dinosaur Museum Pirate Birthday Family Party (check)
- "Go to a hotel and go swimming like Ariel" (check)


Melissa made the Little Mermaid cake. This is after Ariel had reconstructive surgery.


Susanna made the surgery possible (it was not a selective surgery for those questioning the cake's doctrinal stability).


Ami's and her best friend went to Walmart with Melissa and Lori to purchase lip balm and fingernail polish. They then came home to do full manicures. (Please ignore Susanna mooning the camera, in her clothed butt, upset that she did not get her nails painted.)


Melissa had not enjoyed a Mother-son date with Tim recently, and he was losing his "gentlemen skills" so they went off to see "Cars 2" while David took the girls to Thanksgiving Point's Pirate Birthday Party.


Carriage Ride - this was the only moment Susanna was not trying to jump out.


Face Painting.


Meeting Captain Blackwater.


Decorations for the pirate party.


For the final wish, David bought tickets to take Maggie and Ami to the Tuacahn Amphitheater.








We felt no guilt leaving Tim with his uncle and aunt since he went on multiple man-hikes and night hikes with David already this summer. (Mom wanted to go swimming also! Maybe we won't mention she forgot her swimsuit...)


He didn't buy it. He still felt a bit left out.

He commented to his uncle, "The next time my family decides to go on vacation without me can we buy more Legos?"

Ingrate. Oh well. He's six.

When we arrived at the hotel in Saint George, we put our things down and headed straight for the pool. Ami was in full-life vest support so she would not have any trouble or near-death experiences (we thought). David started walking her around the pool. She held on to his back. Then he heard gurgling. Turning around he saw that Maggie swam to the center of the pool, tried to put her foot down, could not touch, and panicked.

David quickly put Ami two inches from the side of the pool to grab on and wait, and swam to grab Maggie. She spat up about a half gallon of water, but ended up fine. Then he heard gurgling. Turning around he saw that Ami panicked and leaned sideways (still within reaching distance of the side) and was side-floating, with a little water going in her mouth. So he threw Maggie into the shallow end and swam back to Ami. Who came up just fine (maybe one gulp of water total) with the comment, "thanks Dad for saving my life".

After the other pool guests stopped staring at him, and the girls figured out how to swim again, they enjoyed themselves.

Dinner tasted great to all those over the age of 9.

After a short failed nap, the three headed off to the Tuacahn.


At the entry.


The quarter-mile-waterfall's fountain.


The background, stage, special effects, and transitions exceeded David's expectations for even a professional performance. Unfortunately, a couple mic problems lowered the quality a bit. If you have not been, this performance is definitely worth the trip. David wanted to take Melissa back in a few months for the final showing, but that does not look like it fits in the old budget.

Ami enjoyed the first fifteen minutes. She then required food for the next three hours to keep her from interrupting the show. Mamba's, runts, candy, slushy... good night!

Speaking of good night, that location is really impressive. Really impressive.

After the show (midnight) were fireworks celebrating the 24th of July. The opportunity to meet the cast got Maggie really excited.


Flounder, who also sang the national anthem, did amazing.


Maggie loved Sabastian.


David rooted for the chef, who doesn't like sweet little succulent crab?


Maggie enjoyed gull-ability.


Ami really wanted to meet Ariel. So did every other girl at the show. The line was long. They had it down to a science for pictures, but... Ami would not turn around, she kept saying something to Ariel. David gave Maggie the "what in the world???" look, and she turned Ami around for the picture.

Once they got a bit away from the crowd, David asked Maggie what happened. Ami was expressing gratitude, in Maggie's words Ami said:

"I am really grateful you saved Eric. He would have died. I know because earlier today I nearly drowned, and my dad saved me. It is scary to drown. So thank you. That makes you a hero like my dad. That's him right there."

Ariel was a consummate professional in kindness and listened with real intent to Ami, but once Ami turned around and pointed to me, she nearly lost it laughing.

They were asleep even before the a/c cooled off the car.