Seriously So Cute

My aunt sent me this email about my cousin.

"Just wanted to share with you a little story from my daughter. In her Teen Living class, they were assigned to care for a 10 pound flour or sugar baby for a week. We decided to use a sugar bag (more compact and sweeter). She decorated it with blue patterned paper and attached the cutest little boy face. It was Daxton! Everyone loved her baby and begged to take turns holding him."

It brought a smile to my face and was just what I needed today. I am glad he is still remembered. I hope it will always be. Oh how my heart aches for my little man. I love my girls, but my little man filled my heart to the brim when he came and left a big hole when he left.

Today my dad told me a story of a woman who had lost her child who was stillborn. He was holding Isabella and asked if I thought it would be hard for a mother who had lost her child to hold a newborn. It was a genuine question, with no ill will. One might think that the mother would be comforted in holding a newborn even though it was not her own. I couldn't really answer that question.

My answer went something like this:

I can only gage it by how I feel. By what I have experienced and by what others have told me they felt around other little ones after theirs had passed away. Sometimes certain babies remind me of Daxton and it is those babies that make my heart sad. That make it want to burst and scream just like I did when I got the "call."

I had that experience today. I saw a little one. The resemblance to Daxton was truly uncanny. I had to go inside. I had to leave. It was almost suffocating. This mom's arms were full of her sweet little boy and my arms were empty of my sweet little boy. I don't begrudge this mother. She has suffered a loss not so different from mine. But my heart still hurt nonetheless.

I can't answer how the mother who lost her stillborn child would react to a newborn baby, but I can answer for me. As of late, I haven't felt the heart ripping out of my chest, but a sort of numbness. I don't know which I prefer. I have been busy with Isabella, I am not going to lie, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish I had a toddler running around also causing me sleep deprivation.

I must beg for forgiveness.... it is REALLY hard to take a picture EVERY single day. We did the best we could, some days were better than others for many different reasons on SO many levels. But it was really fun to do for 30 days. I need to upload the last 3 days, but as soon as I get them, I will be sure to post them for all to see!

Day 17

Day 18
Don't you just LOVE LOVE LOVE the little bracelets?

Day 19
So sweet. I love this blanket. I made it and my good friend crocheted around it. Thanks TRISH!

Day 20

Our little princesses. Mikenna is a good baby tender and Savannah loves to play with baby sister. The other day I jumped into the shower and Savannah tended Isabella for about 30 minutes. It was so great. She kept asking me, "Are you almost done?" and I of course kept telling her yes, just a second.... and then she peed on Savannah. Oh poor Sav. She about flipped a gasket and tossed Isabella over her lap. Ok almost. I caught her just in time.

Day 21
OK. Naked baby pics are my TOTAL fave!!! Well almost naked.

Day 22
I love it when they cry... except when it is in the middle of the night. But this picture is adorable.

Day 23
Ya I must say that I make some awfully cute babies. But then I am VERY biased.

Day 25
We went to the train park and this is how I took her. It was like 80 degrees outside.... so we shed the snow suit. LOL

Day 27

I can't believe how quickly the time goes. They get big too fast. My dad was telling me of one of his co workers who just had a baby 9 weeks ago. The baby has doubled its weight and grown 5 inches. We weighed Isabella today and she was 9.5 pounds. Wow!!!!!

Here are the purses that I made with my ALL talented Mother in law when she was here after Isabella was born. THANKS!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!



Ok so I have had a few conversations with my girls as of late and have overheard some conversations as of late. So here they are:

Background: Mikenna in the morning...well sometimes we have a little personality conflict, OK BIG ones :). Our morning went like this the other day.

Savannah: I was good at school today mommy
Mom: Oh?
Savannah: Yes, can I have gum
Mom: Sure. (I get the gum out and rip it in half, it will likely end up going through her digestive system)
Savannah: Thanks mom, you are the best (she thinks if she butters me up, she might get what she wants... not so)
Mikenna: I want a piece of gum
Mom: Sure. (I break the same kind of gum I gave to Savannah)
Mikenna: I don't want that kind.
Mom: (of course, it would be too easy if she did) Ok what kind do you want.
Mikenna: (selects piece of said gum)
Mom: (breaks gum in half just the same as Savannah)
Mikenna: I didn't want it broken. I wanted a whole one.
Mom: You always get half.
Mikenna: Well I wanted to break it in half.
Mom: (ya right) Sorry honey, why don't you take this one (not my exact words I am sure)
Mikenna: (poutily takes the piece of gum).... (then throws it on the floor)
Mom: Well that was a really stupid thing to do
Mikenna: You shouldn't say stupid mom, it is a bad word
Mom: (ya you are lucky that is all I said) You're right Mikenna, I shouldn't say stupid, but you shouldn't throw your gum on the floor either. (picks up gum, throws in trash)
Mikenna: (sprawled on the floor kicking and likely screaming) I want my gum
Mom: then you shouldn't have thrown it on the floor (walking away.... lest she get a beating, Mikenna still on the floor.)

I overheard this conversation today with Savannah and her physical therapist:

Savannah: Are you Mormon? (ok not her exact words, but well that is what I can post)
Ben: Huh? (a little hard to understand Savannah the first time)
Savannah: Are you a Mormon? (a little louder)
Ben: Huh?
Savannah: Are you a Mormon? (ok already don't you understand what I am saying?)
Ben: (he finally understands and redirects)

Ok what she really said is REALLY hilarious, but I can't post it here so if you are DYING to know you can email me :)

Another conversation with Savannah and Ben:

Savannah: I have a new baby. Do you have a baby?
Ben: Yes I have a baby.
Savannah: Is it a boy or a girl?
Ben: A boy. Do you have an older brother?
Savannah: No.
Ben: Do you have a little brother?
Savannah: Yes. Daxton. He died.
Ben: (speechless)

The filter is nonexistent in little kids. Oh their innocence. Isn't it great?

I was going to post pics of Isabella tonight, but I was going through my pictures and stopped. I have a folder labeled "Daxton's Funeral." I stopped. I cried. Tomorrow is a new day.

Today I learned of the 3rd baby who was taken back to Father in Heaven in 3 weeks. Maybe it is because I am 'driving' the same car as them. I don't know. This post is for them.

The road is long. I do not in any way shape of form wish I could go back to those grueling, emotionally, physically draining first few hours, days, weeks, months. It is painful. There are sleepless nights. There are countless buckets of tears. These poor mothers and fathers and siblings who are just starting out on the road of grief. I hope they are strong enough. I hope they can make it. I hope that they can hold on to the thread of faith and that their faith will grow and they will not fall away. I hope that they will hold on for dear life to the teachings they have been taught all their lives. I pray for them. I cry with them.

Today I also learned that one of the 'Daxton boxes' was used. A blanket was given. A stuffed animal was given. A camera was used. A difference albeit ever so miniscule was made in the life of a grieving mother. The blanket was to wrap her precious baby in because in all the hurry to get her sweet child to the hospital she didn't grab his favorite blankie (or maybe she did, but she didn't want to leave it, she wanted to take it home and snuggle it, smell it, pray it wasn't so). The stuffed animal was given so that when she left her baby in the arms of the nurse, hers wouldn't be 'empty.' The camera was used because maybe, just maybe one day she will be ready to face the reality of what is happening and be able to remember those last precious moments she held her son.

I had a friend recently email me a random memory of Daxton. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear these. I love that people still remember him. I love it when people let me talk about him. I love it when OTHER people talk about him. It is ok. Don't EVER feel bad for mentioning Daxton because you think I might break down and cry, I won't, (ok I might go cry my eyes out later, but seriously).

Whenever someone tells me about him I am reminded of him. I love him!!!! We were conjoined at the hip. He was my right arm. Of course I miss him. Don't assume that just because you bring him up that I will all of the sudden start thinking about him and be sad. I ALWAYS am thinking about him :). ALWAYS. At least for now.

So back to the memory. Each year *well occasionally each year* we attend a convention where we take Savannah and learn more about Russel Silver Syndrome (on of two she has been diagnosed with) click HERE to learn more, and we went 2 years ago when Daxton was just 6 weeks old.

He kept me up ALL night and we were ALL in one teeny tiny hotel room (all 5 of us) and he just would NOT sleep. Made me almost crazy (since I was recovering crazy before him). So I would drag my sweats, slippers, and me downstairs at 1am in the morning and sit in a chair next to the elevatot. People would walk by and give me 'oh I am soooo sorry looks' and "got his days and nights mixed up" and all sorts of comments. All I wanted was some SLEEEEP!!!!

But to no avail. I would rock him until 3 am each morning until he FINALLY went to sleep, and then I would carefully travel upstairs and put him in bed with me so he wouldn't wake up again.... at least not for a few hours so I could have SOME stamina for the next day. I would give ANYTHING for that sleepless night again.

Thanks for the memory Jen. I cried. I laughed. I cried. And then I wrote it down. LOVES!

Ok so the last few days I have been SOOO sick. I only get really sick about 1 to 2 weeks after I have my babies. I won't go into details, but it is the kind of sick that knocks me flat on my back in bed until I have 2 days of antibiotics in my system. So that is where I have been.

Doug has been really good, friends have brought me dinner, and my mom saved my bacon with a few projects around the house and with the kids. THANKS!!!

For some, being sick with no physical energy leaves them with no time left for emotions. Quite the opposite for me. If I am sick I am usually more emotional.... and so I was. And so I was.

BUT I am on the mend. Thanks to a magical drug. I can now function on a more than basic survival level. I have folded laundry, done dishes, picked up toys, and made beds.... that doesn't mean my bathrooms, floors, and kids don't need some SERIOUS attention , but just doing my best with what I have. LOL.

I have pics of the purses... as soon as they are downloaded, will post them.

Well there have been some real on and off moments lately. I didn't realize the effect that having a baby in the house again would have on me. People ask how is '3?' My response is 'a lot like the last time I had 3.' And then 'awkward.' The thing is.... I know how to manage 3. I have done it once already and now I 'get' to do 3 again. I would really like to do 4 though.

You may all have heard about the woman in California who had 8 babies. Ya. Crazy. Well we were putting the girls to bed and Doug said, 'How do you think this process would go if we had 14 kids?' To which I replied, 'I would just take 4.' Let's not get too greedy here :). Anyhow, a nostalgic moment.

Some similarities and memories if you will indulge me:

Isabella lays by the girls before she goes to bed, just like Daxton.
I nurse Isabella and hold her on the couch the same way I did with Daxton.
Mikenna tends Isabella, just like she did with Daxton, but now she is bigger so she can help even more.
I read to the girls, just like I did with Daxton and the girls before bed time.
Savannah still gives the same 'not-so-soft' kisses to Isabella that she gave Daxton.
Each time I sit on my bed to pump, I look at Daxton's pictures on the wall. Maybe I should move them because I usually get weepy.
I had a brother get married a little after Daxton was born and now I have another one getting married... just a little after Isabella was born.
I bathe Isabella the same way I bathed Daxton. On the counter. And when I am through she lays there while I get ready, just like Daxton.

Isabella sleeps better than Daxton did....
We have her crib in a different section of our room. Away from the blinds...
I say 'girls'... and each time notice I didn't say 'kids.' Now I have all living girls.

Isabella is such a sweetie. It is nice to have a baby in our home again. The void for Mikenna and Savannah has been filled I think. They still always talk about Daxton, but I think their arms are less empty. They have a baby to look at in the mornings when they wake up. They have a baby to hold when they get home from school. Savannah fetches diapers and wipes to change a baby, and Mikenna gets to feed a baby and pick out her clothes and help give her a bath.

The other day, Savannah said, 'Mommy, I want to hold chubba wubba baby sister.' We called Daxton chubba wubba.

I have completed (or just started) several projects in the last 8 months. I have made blankets, both quilted and crocheted. I have made scrubs for Halloween and hooter hiders for my aunt and I. I have scoured my house many a time, decluttering, tossing out items I haven't used forever, reorganizing closets, and inventorying food storage.

My most recent project has been making 2 purses. My mother in law helped... I am not so talented. We spent the better part of two days and two nights putting them together.

After my mother in law had gone home, I was contemplating the projects I have started and completed in these past months and wondered what in the world am I thinking doing all these projects?

I finally realized why I do them..... I miss Daxton. There is a void of "time" I need to fill that would be filled if he were still here. When I do a project I am reminded that the reason I can do it is because I don't have a toddler running around that needs tending. I do projects because it occupies my mind. They keep me busy for the period of time I need them to in order to make it through one more day.

Doug gave me this book when I was in the hospital and I cry just about every time I read it. It is a short story and I want to share it with you (barring my carpal tunnel will allow me the time to type this all up).

I knew you could! And you knew it, too-
That you'd come out on top after all you've been through.
And from here you'l go farther and see brand-new sights.
You'll face brand-new hills that rise to new heights.

I wish I could show you the stops that you'll visit,
But that isn't my choice to make for you is it?
Instead, i can tell you some lessons and tales
That I've learned and relearned in my time on the rails.

First of all, yo muct find your own track,
So you can start right away and not be held back.
But which track is yours? Well, that all depends
On which way it's oind and where it might end.

Different racks wind around, over, under, and through,
So pick out the one that works best for you
Though the track you start out on will feel like the one,
You might take a few more before you are done.
And now, with your eyes on your new destination,
Start up your wheels and roll out of the station.

On your new trip, you'll make plenty of stops,
In deep river valleys and on high mountaintops.
Some will surprise you and some will be planned,
And you'll roll through each one saying "I think I can!"

You'll go through tunnels, surrounded by dark,
And you'll wish for a light or even a spark.
You might get scared or a little bit sad,
Wondering if maybe your track has gone bad.

So here's some advice to help ease your doubt;
The track you took inmust also go out.
So steady yourself and just keep on going-
Before you know it, some light will be showing.
And then you'll be out, heading to a new place.
You'll be ready for the next tunnel you face.

Sometimes you'll look up and see planes in the sky,
And you'll think to yousefl, "I wish I could fly."
The cars on th etoads will seem quick and free-
You'll feel stuck on your track and think, "I wish that were me."

But the plane might wish he could get out of the air,
Sating, " I wish i could travel like that train down there."
The cars will watch as you speed right a long,
And they'll say to each other,
"Look how fast and how strong!"
Don't worry about not being a car or a plane,
Just enjoy the trip you'll take as a train.

Don't be afraid to toot your own horn,
If you need to be heard or there are people to warn.
Or if being yourself just makes you so proud
That you want to share it and sing it out loud.

You'll follow your track through twists and through bends,
And stop at new stops and pick up new friends.
They'll all come aboard with smiles and grettings.
You'll have such great times with the people you're meeting.

On the days when you're sad and feel you can't go,
Speak up and ask a friend for a tow.
That's what friends do, so don't be afraid.
You'd do the same if your friend needed aid.

You might stop at some stops that you never have toured,
And look for new friends, but they won't come aboard.
So you'll have to head out with a creak and a groan,
Setting out once again on your track, all alone.

Try to remember that the world is so wide,
Full of all kinds of people with their own trains to ride.
Just stay true to yourself as you travel your track,
With no second-guessing and no looking back.

Once you're on the right track, you'll probably say,
"This one is mine- I'm here to stay."
Try to enjoy the track that you choose-
Stop now and then to take in the views.

If you rush forward, as a general rule,
Before you arrive, could run out of fuel.
Don't overwork, but save up some strength.
That way, every day, you can travel great lengths.

You'll nee all that strength on the days when you're stuck,
Or tired, or sad, or just out of luck.
When your belief in yourself doesn't feel quite so pure
And your "I think I can" doesn't sound quite so sure,

That's shen to puck and to strive and to strain
To show the world you're not a giving-up train
And you're wise if you konw that doing your best
Means that sometimes you should just slow down and rest.

Speeding through your whold treip will bring only sorrow,
So slow down today to be happy tomorrow.

There's morea bout life that you'll learn as you go,
Because figuring things out on your own helps you grow.
Just trust in yourself, and you'll climb every hill.
Say, "I think I can!" and you konw what?
YOU WILL!!!!

Written by Craig Dorman and illustrated by Cristina Ong
Published by Gosset and Dunlap New York 2003