Seriously So Cute

Ever feel like you have so much to do, but you are sure you will NEVER get it done. Ok I know, story of your life. Ya. Right now it is mine. I have so many things to be done: getting ready for school, going to the gym, taking Savannah to therapy, dishes, laundry, house cleaning, packing, unpacking, baths, shopping for food, shopping for school stuff, working, playing, filing, cleaning out rooms and spaces in rooms that haven't been touched since we moved in 5 years ago. You know the drill.

It can wait but until tomorrow I say. Ya. But when there are so many tomorrows stacked up against you, where is it that you start? I am sure that I can put off today for tomorrow but that would make for a lot of things not getting done.

So here I am, putting off today what can be done tomorrow. I have made a valiant effort today. I have done 5 loads of laundry (all still piled on the spare bed), loaded the dishwasher once (needs to be emptied and loaded again...), forgot that I had therapy for Savannah (last Thursday, yes I just remembered tonight), set up 3 future doctor appointments I will likely forget to go to and be charged a $30 fee, unpacked from yet again another trip out of town (which was totally worth it to get out of this 115 degree joyous weather), shopped at Costco and Walmart for food and school stuff (hopefully my AMEX doesn't call and cancel my card or better yet. Doug)and the kids are all sound asleep in bed.

I find myself blogging. Not so much on my list of things to do, but therapeutic nonetheless. What is it about blogging that makes me feel like I can express random thoughts or deep dark secrets. Seriously. Some stuff I wouldn't dream of bringing up in a "normal" conversation. Something about cyberspace that makes it "safer" to open up? I don't think so. But I do think that it is easier to express feelings to a certain extent. I can write them or delete them or rewrite them. As opposed to saying something and regretting it later or not having it come out "right." I don't know.

My dad sometimes teases me that he only knows how I am doing because of my blog. Hmmmm I wonder if that means that he reads it :).

Well anyway for whatever reason it is, I have a story:
On Sunday we were sitting in Primary (where the children go to sing and learn about the gospel in class and singing time)and we were having the most delightful lesson on the creation of the earth. We went to through the days: The teacher held up a picture and asked the children to describe what they thought the first day was (light and darkness)They didn't so much get it, but then we moved on to the second day (a picture of Heaven and earth as you can best get) and the children said "earth" was created, then the third day a picture of a tree (meaning the land and the sea and the trees), day 4 was the Sun Moon Stars, that was pretty obvious for the kiddos and then of course the fish and birds on day 5, followed by Animals and Adam and Eve. It was an interesting discussion from the children's point of view. My favorite though was when the teacher asked what God did on the 7th day, the Sabbath (kids are just barely getting that Sabbath means Sunday, so the teacher said What did God do on Sunday) Well there in the back of the room was Savannah. She raised her hand and the teacher said, "Savannah, what did God do on Sunday?" To which she matter-of-factly replied, "He went to Grandma's house." (DUH) what else is there to do.

Seriously. Out of the mouth of my seven year old. What a hoot! I don't think that the teacher or anyone else for that matter "got" it but it was sure hilarious for me. :)

To my readers: Today I met with a very nice reporter who is going to tell Daxton's story. I hope that she got the answers that she was looking for and that she will write an appropriate summary of our discussion.

To the reporter: I hope that you were able to find what you were looking for. There were so many thoughts as I left you today. I wanted to make sure that you got all your questions answered and I am not sure that you did. So here are my thoughts on paper, they work better this way. At least I think so. The pressure of saying the right thing the first time is off because I have a little key known as the "delete" button and it works well. :)

Here is the 'story' from the beginning.

Daxton was born on May 31, 2007. He was the most beautiful baby in the entire world. I have posted my most precious memories on a different blog and you can feel free to visit at www.daxtonsbox.blogspot.com

We were out of town when the accident happened. It was obviously tragic to say the very least. We came from out of town and went straight to the hospital. I can't even begin to describe walking into the room where my son lay silently. I just can't. I referred to the loss as losing my right arm. I had. I have. I lost my right arm. My baby. He was literally attached to me. In every sense. I carried him on my hip. I carried him in my sling. I carried him everywhere. He crawled to me when he wasn't in my arms. He loved me and I him. And then suddenly, he was gone. I held him. I cried. I sobbed. My heart broken. Where do you even begin? Where do you even pick up the pieces? And can you? Those were some of my thoughts.

You asked what my thoughts were when I walked into the room. When I saw him. There really aren't any words. I can't even begin to describe the sorrow and loss. You truly don't know unless you have been there and I hope that you or someone you know NEVER are. It is horrible. It is tragic. It is hard. But here I am. A year later. I never thought that time would go on. I never thought I would see a year later. Not because I was suicidal, but because how could life go on? How could I begin to care about the price of bananas again? My world was turned upside down.

The details of Daxton's death are truly irrelevant unless I want to become an advocate for Parents for Window Blind Safety and honestly, I have found something else to fill the void if you will. The truth is that he is gone. It was his time. Perhaps not from my perspective, but he had completed his mission or time on earth.

At the hospital, they were wonderful. They did the best they could with what they had. I wanted to help to give back to families who were going through the same thing I have. I wanted to help them in some small way. I also needed to help myself. I am not going to lie. I needed something to occupy my time. I got wind of a nurse at the hospital about starting a Daxton Box and I instantly thought of my brother who was doing his Eagle Project. We sat down and talked about what we wanted to put into the box. We wrote our little notes to the families. You can get more details about what is in the box and why at www.daxtonsbox.blogspot.com.

We began fundraising at church. We had many generous donations from family, friends, neighbors, people I didn't even know, and my blogging world friends (thanks again yall). With those funds, I hand picked blankets, stuffed animals, cameras, and spent over 50 hours alone sewing and hemming 75/100 of the blankets.

I continued delving into many projects. We talked about this. About my different projects. I am not too good on the spot. I began sewing blankets for my baby girl ( I was 7 weeks pregnant with my 4th child Isabella. I forgot to mention her) and I crocheted around the edges. It took hours of my free time. It was AWESOME!! I learned how to make bows. I made 2 diaper bags. It was intense. We redid our playroom. I scrubbed my house top to bottom every week. It was amazing how much free time I had when the girls were in school. I began blogging. Faithfully. It was and has been SO therapeutic. I have met so many people who have been so supportive and faithful readers of my ramblings.

Then Isabella was born in January. 6 months after Daxton passed away. It was incredible healing. To have my arms full with a baby again. Of course I still felt the loss. In fact, there were times when the loss was extremely poignant after she was born. I mourned almost all over again. I was supposed to have 3. I have a family of 5 from the outside looking in. But my family has 6. I have 4 children, yet I can only see 3 of them. This was and sometimes is the hardest part for me.

A year later: I am doing better. I have filled my time and my arms for the most part with the joys that I see in front of me. There was a time when I didn't think I would be able to smile or laugh or live again. I am glad that I don't feel that way anymore. I have days where I still fall on the floor (literally) and cry from the physical and emotional pain that I feel from the loss of my precious little angel. But I am coping. Hopefully I am helping others. Hopefully Daxton's story has touched the hears of many and that his death was not in vain. Actually I know his story has touched many. I know he lives on in all our hearts. I know that his mission was complete.

I hope that you have found what you need. You can go back to the beginning of this blog to June 9, 2008 and find more information that you could ever have dreamed of needing. I know that you will do a great job. I know that it will be tasteful, touching, and will be a great story (but then I am biased :)) I wish you the best of luck and can't wait to see what you have come up with. Thank you for your time and for telling our story. If you have any other questions, you can email me. You will find it under my profile. Or you can just leave a comment. Actually, if you do happen upon this, would you leave a comment?

So yesterday I was sitting in church, because that is what we do on Sundays. We scream and yell at our kids to get ready, while playing "Music and the spoken word" blaring on the TV to drone out the noise and tell kids to sit down and be quiet and read the "Friend" (a great magazine for kids provided by the church, you too can enjoy a copy if you go to www.lds.org and go to magazines and click "Friend").

We cram into the car and bribe the children to put their seat belts on and ask them to please stop crying because we don't want the tears to show when we get to church, because when we get to church we just want them to sit and fold their arms and pretend we all have it together. :)

While at church I happily pull out the kids designated church puzzles and church bags. I dutifully make sure that my cell phone is off, because seriously how EMBARRASSING is it when someone else's cell phone goes and you are like, Seriously? it's church, what do you need your cell phone for. Leave it at home, right? Ya. Right. So I turned my phone on silent and then during the prayer. Yes I said the prayer. A phone starts ringing.... RINGING? Seriously? It is on silent. I know. I checked.

I look around and see if there is anyone diggin in their purses to shut it off. I am seriously annoyed. It is ringing some random song I have never heard, and then to my horror. My total and utterly complete HORROR, I realize it is mine. Yes my phone is singing some random song I am sure I didn't down load but apparently I now have it, although I don't know if I will be able to retrieve it at this point because I don't know where even to find it.

Back the ringing cell phone. Instead of taking it out for all to see I just sit on it, because surely it will stop sometime right? Well Savannah started giggling and said, "Mommy why are you sitting on your phone?" And Mikenna is telling daddy that my phone is making noise.... so much for being discreet, although a ringing cell phone during the prayer is hardly discreet.

Well folks I eventually managed to shut it off and still to this day can't figure out how on earth the song was playing on my SILENTED phone. So just in case were wondering whose phone was ringing. It was mine.

I have thought a lot about friends lately. I was talking or emailing rather a very good friend from high school and the thought occurred to me that I hadn't had any contact with this particular friend for about 3 or 4 months back when Isabella was born. That is quite a long time. But I guess the good news is that we can just pick up where we left off.

My mom is always saying how she doesn't have any friends (well we all know that isn't true, see previous post for her bday). I do think she has a point. As we get older and more involved with our children (and get more children) and their lives and needs and wants, our friends get put on the back burner. This is quite unfortunate actually because I really like my friends and I have a lot of REALLY good ones. If you don't believe me, just ask them. :)

It isn't that I don't think you all aren't important, it is just that time passes by so quickly I don't realize that it is has been so long since I have seen or spoken to you. This leads me to thinking that the blogging world and email and texting are SO great, since it the main form of communication between most of my friends, relatives, etc.

There is something about sitting at my computer pouring over your blogs, checking my email and responding, or occasionally texting to check in on you. Maybe we are still keeping in contact, it is just that our form of communication is different. Instead of hanging out at your house or chatting on the phone, we have been introduced to new forms of technology that allow us to keep in touch.

Whatever it is, I hope that I can be a better friend to you. Thanks for listening or reading rather. It is probably a bunch of nonsense, but that is what you get from a sleep deprived mama.

A testimony is a manifestation of the truthfulness of the gospel. It defines the foundation of our beliefs and is a way for us to testify to others and to help our testimonies be strengthened and to help others as well.

On Sunday we went to church with Doug's family and a few of the cousins, aunts, and uncles got up to bear their testimonies. Savannah decided in her mind that she wanted to go up and bear her testimony. She turned to uncle Shawn whom she asked to take her up to the stand in the meeting. He stated that it would be a good idea for her to ask her aunt Melissa (his wife). So she gave Melissa her puppy dog brown eyes and she took her up to bear her testimony.

It went something like this, "I want to bear my testimony. I know this church is true. I love my mom and dad.... (pause for a thought to come to her) and Isabella and Daxton."

I know that she meant to put Mikenna in there somewhere. Anyway, it brought tears to my eyes. For so many reasons. I am grateful that my children can have testimonies and be able to share them with others. Savannah is a hoot. And we love her :).

I wish that things were different. I wish that there wasn't a 4.5 year gap between Isabella and Mikenna. I wish that there were a baby for Isabella to play with. I wish there was another baby to make me want to pull my hair out. I wish that Daxton was here to play with his cousins. I wish that I had my little man to snuggle and kiss his toes. I wish today that I was going crazy trying to take care of 4 kids instead of just 3.

Is he really gone? Will I really never see him again in this mortal life? Did he really live? Did he really come into my heart and leave so abruptly that my heart aches so much for him I just want to crawl into a hole?

It seems I take 3 steps forward and one step back. No amount of reading an enchanting book will take away the pain I have felt in my heart lately. I am so blessed to have my little girls, to have my husband, but I really miss my Daxton. I often wonder what he would have looked like. I wonder what his personality would be like. What things would he like? Would he like Cars and Spiderman like Savannah? Or would he like Barbies and coloring with Mikenna :)?

I know he is near. He is never to far away from my heart, but I still miss him.

I love to get lost in a good book. I love to dive into a whole new world of somebody else's life. Whether it be through a movie or a book.

To escape my world.

The dailies of life, the heartaches, the trials, the loss.

It is good for me.

I have lost myself in a few good books lately. It is good.

The reality for me right now is hard. I miss Daxton. It has been a very poignant loss as of late.

Maybe it is the time of year. Maybe it is from being away from my normal circumstances. I don't know.

I am going to go back to my non reality world of my book.

Few people in life touch your hearts and are never forgotten. They come into your life and make such a difference that you will never be the same again. You will know them forever and you will always remember the small acts of kindness they serve you with.

Mrs. Debbie is one of these few. Each week Savannah will beg to talk on the phone to Mrs. Debbie. She will count down the days until Sunday (we reserve this day for her otherwise she would beg EVERY day and every Sunday seems to be enough begging for me) so that she can talk to her beloved Mrs. Debbie. She will grab my phone and say, "Mommy, you have Mrs. Debbie phone number?" And of course she knows I do, so what can I do but say yes and dial the number.

We then here Savannah say "HHHEEEEELLLLLOOOOO? Mrs. Debbie? This SaVanNah." And on the other end we hear a laugh. Savannah giggles and says, "Mommy, Mrs. Debbie laughing." And so begins the weekly 30 minute ritual of Savannah talking to Mrs. Debbie. I always wonder if she is imposing on Mrs. Debbie's day. But I am always reassured that Savannah calls at just the right moment when Debbie needs to hear... HHEEEELLLLOOOO?

Let me give you a little background on Mrs. Debbie. She is the mother of one of Doug's long time friends and a very big part of the Kunz's family. She has taken to Savannah. Each time we go to Idaho to visit, we stop at Mrs. Debbie's house to see her, to feed her chickens, and to collect the eggs, and of course to collect many a kisses and hugs. It is not uncommon to see Savannah glued to her hip. And the best part, Mrs. Debbie LOVES her!!!! LOVE IT!!!

Mrs. Debbie has a darling daughter of her own with many physical challenges and trials. The last time Doug was in Idaho he and his family thought it would be a good idea to give back to Mrs. Debbie and her family, for she has touched out hearts forever. We made this come to pass with the "Make a Wish" Foundation. It is an organization that provides a "wish" to children ages 2 to 18 and their families. There is a significant amount of paper work and phone calls but it was all worth it.

We were able to present this to our Darling Mrs. Debbie's daughter. My husband and his crazy family put on quite a show. Maybe I will post the video if I ever get smart enough, but don't hold your breath.

Anyway, this one is for you our Mrs. Debbie!!!!! You are one of a kind. Truly.

Yes. It's true. I live in my own little world. In fact, my world is the only world I have ever known. I only see things with my own eyes and put it into my own perspective. Now, I do try to see things through the eyes of others and their worlds that revolve around them which I guess helps me to see other people's perspectives.

The world I know revolves around me. I try to look around at others and see what they are seeing, but I still can only see through my eyes. It's true. Ever since I was a little girl the world revolved around me. Then when I got married my world revolved around my husband and me. After a few kids, the world now revolves around them. So you see, I live in my own little world.

I had this thought as I was making a 17 hour drive. I watched as all the other cars passed by and wondered about the people inside. They likely have friends. They likely have families. They likely have their own challenges and trials. Some I may have known, some I may not know, and some I may get to know. Who knows, I may have seen one of you. :)

I know. Random. But it was just a thought. And I just thought I should share.