Vision

My memory of things is not the best.  I feel like it has gotten worse as I became a mother. For this reason every time I get a sweet memory of something that just arises in my mind that I totally forgot that happened in my life I'm going to write it down because I just don't want to forget.

I remember when...... I was 8 years old shortly after my grandmother died. It was my first experience of someone close to me who had died. I didn't have the knowledge that I have now about the plan of salvation. I didn't even know what death was. My mother sat on the sofa crying hysterically because she had lost her mother. I approached her to comfort her and to ask what was wrong. My mother looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "grandma is gone". Confused I asked her what she meant by that. She told me that she was sleeping for a long time and that she wont ever wake up, that I wouldn't be able to see her again. Then finally it clicked and I understood what my mother was trying to tell me and I cried right along with her. I remember a few days after that I grabbed a balloon and I wrote a letter to God about my grandmother. A very heartfelt letter and I went to the top of an extremely tall apartment building and released the balloon. I watched that balloon float to the sky until I couldn't see it anymore. I was confident that it would reach God. I recently shared this story with my husband. I told him "I wish I could see what I had wrote on that balloon to God".

Remember when Ariel on the Little Mermaid was singing "I want to be, where the people are. I want to see, want to see them d a n c i n g etc." among her treasures. That zeal, that hope, that bursting into song is how I felt and much more as I left the Provo temple today.  The funny thing is that the Provo temple never really struck me as a beautiful nor memorable temple but that changed in a matter of seconds. As I walked towards the temple in the slightly cold weather with my umbrella in hand protecting me from the drizzle of snow this morning. I couldn't help but be reminded of my mission in DC during the spring time. As soon as I passed the entrance of the temple, 5 feet away from the front desk to be exact. I was reminded of a chair in the waiting area where I once sat and had a tender experience. It was the first time I felt Eve move at 13 weeks. The first time I really felt like a Mother. It felt wonderful! As I continued to make my way towards the women's locker room, I was reminded of how many times I walked down these halls to serve the Lord.  I received gentle reminders of moments I came to this temple fasting and praying for guidance in my life. I also thought about that summer when I was a temple worker. The lessons I learned each time I went. The amazing insights I was so blessed to have. God continued to remind me of those few weeks at the MTC coming to the temple as a missionary and feeling the spirit immensely. As I served in the temple that day I received impressions that if I believed in those words in those blessings whole heartedly and not doubt I will find lasting peace. I also received an impression that I must write down and come back to it again and again, "that it doesn't matter where we live". That I shouldn't pressure Mark in finding a job in Hawaii so we could live there forever but rather I should have the attitude and heart of going where ever we could, as a family make the most difference. It may be in Hawaii, it may not. But either way, it is OKAY. Those of you who don't know me as well, this is a huge milestone for me. I want to be back on the saddle of missionary mindedness. Wow! I was overwhelmed with these impressions. How could I ever think that this temple wasn't special enough. All these special and crucial moments in my life. Suddenly the Provo temple was becoming my favorite. A favorite that I had no idea, existed. Leaving the temple I just had a strong desire to be better. To study the scriptures often, to pray with real intent, to purchase pictures of temples that had a special spot in my heart and place them in my children's room to see everyday, to keep record of spiritual things, to serve more cheerfully, to be more kind and to find more joy in motherhood. Not only to find more joy in motherhood but to do more as a mother. To invite more structure and order in my life. What a spiritual boost that was for me. I need to go more often, not only to show my girls the importance that it is to me but to enhance my VISION.