Princess Barbie's Fairytopia Kingdom!

I've been feeling horribly over these days, so the grand opening post of mine has to be something sparkling :)

If I have to say one, some would say I am clumsy, childish, and full of jests. Only few would say I am realistic, cheerful, and carefree.

If I have to say many, some would say I am too demanding, over dramatic, and moody. Plenty woud say I am easy going, honest, and loving. Too demanding? They might be right, because I need to be loved and cared by people around. Well, I have to be good enough to be loved. I'm I right?

Plus, I need to be told to shut up sometimes. Honestly speaking, I am kind of too talkative, but needless to say I can be an introvert and speechless person especially when I feel lost or encounter any kind of outrageous problems. Ocassionally, I can be impulsive as well. I don't act twice think twice at all. That's why when things go wrong, I can just feel regret for it. I hate myself for that!

By the way, I am Ms Freshman, aren't I? But look! All juvenile things get along well with me, see the glittery pictures up there? I'm fond of Disney princesses. If I have one wish, I wish my life was like a fairy tale:P Again? I know, I used to say it myself that fairy tale ain't exist, but it's not such a big deal merely to keep on wishing and fooling myself around. Hold on! I think I used to write about fooling oneself somewhere! Yes, on Ven's blog!!! He got the great topic about Honesty, so I think I can take advantage of it :P

It's a constant struggle for us to to be honest of all time. Honesty does hurt to some extents, and that's why we people don't want to accept the reality, and shun them with a great fear. This might sound pretty weird for us to fool ourselves, but somehow, fool has its own benefit. It's a gift to make us giggle to ourselves or to fly up high as a balloon while truth is a gift of crying.

We fool ourselves, we can therefore feel the better. We feel hurt if people treat us as a fool, because the thing is we hate to be fooled. Being too honest can save us a lot of heartache. Sometimes it make us feel like we should do nothing but surrender.

This is probably the reason why I keep pretending that everything is JUST FINE, though in fact, it is not. Hah Hah... the start of something new? This post is abit rambling lol (^,^)You know why? I just started writing it without knowing what I shall write about.

I've been listening to this song for years since I was in high school, though I had no idea what the lyrics was all about. I actually love all the songs from this particular drama, Full House, but Geu Deh Ji Geum and I Think I, are my favorites :)

I am Barbie, in fact I am not? I've been pondering this kind of question to myself " Who Am I?" To me right now, everything is merely a blur. I am no longer the one I thought I was at this point of time. Strong, greeny, carefree, optimistic, courageous? You can't definitely see all these qualities in me no more, and needless to say, I just don't deserve them.

Back to the bygone... I started off my life as an innocent little baby crying out for people's care and attention, especially from Mom and Dad. I wouldn't stop crying if my need hadn't be fulfilled. Life goes on, I then gradually learned how to crawl, to walk, to run, to stand, to sit, to talk properly, to potty-train, to say " Daddy!" and " Mommy". In my journey of life, I learn lots of new things down the road, and I love trying new things as well. When things go right, I have my sincere appreciation of how much joys of life has stored for me. Everything is just enough, and perfectly fine. When suddenly, I got stuck in the maze, leaning hopelessly against the wall asking why life has been so cruel to me?

I am too delicate. I tend to get lost and frustrated at the slightest matters, I get scared at stupid things. I see a glass filled with water as an empty one. Deep down inside of me, I've always wanted to be a perfect person, but things just turned out the opposite way. To be frank, I know myself as much as I don’t know myself. I’m like half an open library and half the restricted section. I am sick of floating around without knowing where to go. I wish I knew more about myself...

No one could tell what's exactly on my mind right now. If you came over, and had a quick look, you would think I am not much different from an ice princess, unspoken, lifeless and emotionless... Nothing can be conveyed from this poor weeping heart of mine...I can't believe all the great thing between me and my best friend has now come to an end...There's lots of things left unsaid beyond our broken relationship... I know I'm the worst enermy of all time... Enough rambling!

Time quickly moves, relationships change; folks settle down develop, communication's gone, and after all two great friends gradually drift apart. Is it my fault? My best friend's, or both's? I once told myself to move on since my head could tell that I was attempting to hold on someone that has never thought to be here for me.

We started off very well, but we ended up as if our 3 years relationship doesn't mean a thing. All the great memories between me and my best friend have engraved deeply till it is too hard to let go. Our relationship is not neccessarilly different from a one way street of my friend's walking away, and me walking back home alone feeling worse than when we first started. I wish I hadn't known that one T_T

I laugh at myself reading my previous entries about letting go and moving on. I am the worst enermy of all time, I am a terrible liar to myself. I can only say it, but can never make it. What's going on with my mind right now? That one isn't willing to make any efforts to salvage this relationship. That one has now changed to a different soul, that one doesn't care for me no more, that one isn't missing me as I do, that one has forgotten my existence in this world either, but I, in turn, tend to remember the vivid memoir of that one?

It's not easy to lose someone you love, someone you can get along with very well. I don't know what to do right now. I just want to scream though I know that my voice is practically do not matter and unheard. Lord! I'm hurt really hurt T_T Why I have to be such a poor casualty in this wonderful world while everyone is hanging around and smiling? Not fair! What I am crying out for? since there is absolutely no one to console me. Everyone keeps telling me that things will be different down the road, but how come I can only see things as the way they already are. Is it the way my life destined to go?

" Barbie, before giving up, ask yourself: Will your life be better off without this person? Does this person understand how much s/he means to you? Is there any misunderstanding in between?" *sigh* I can't get any answers to these questions yet, it's the matter of time, I guess.

Well, I do know that I can never make, change, or even heal someones to be who I want them to be, especially when they are the ones to resist the change :( Hopefully, time will help me lessen my pain... How long? Not sure, maybe One Day...

Well, it's great to forget the bitter pasts, so that we have courage to move on, but somehow, it worths to remember rather than trying to forget. Life has occassionally been a joke to us, we forget what we want to remember, and we remember what we want to forget. This has posted the very underlying question when we fail to remember the healthiest and happiest moments of our lives, and why we, in turn, tend to remember in vivid image of our most suppressed and painful moments?

Anyone could tell how much we people should trust virtual reality? Why is that finding the one who is closely related to talk to is this desperated? Searching for the one who share unique personality with you, the one whom you can get along with very well, the one who can manage to sit and listen to your everyday thoughts and feelings without any judgments is not as easy as it sounds. I really wish there were any people out there understand how I feel.

Well, yeah, with me writing all these gist emotions of mine down, most people would say I am an over dramatic, cynical, sadistic, or insane. Only few would say I am realistic, optimistic, and honest. I don't literally know what I want to say at all, that's why I label my post as a random one.

I've been noticing that when two people become good friends, they generally do not say so, but the rainbow of their hearts could tell that they are meant to be together in this world. Everthing is always enough and perfectly fine. For their hearts, they have never felt that they are alone at all. Any kind of simple discussion about personal stuffs becomes secrets which is practically shared willingly and unconditionally with the hope that the security of their frindship is strong enough to protect their sanctity.

When suddenly one day, they start to feel like they are gradually drifing apart. All the trust is gone, the great affection between one another is unconsciously lessen, confusion galore, and needless to say, hurt is an understatement.

So what happens when there is no trust in a relationship? When trust gone, they can just do nothing but to live in their seperate lives. After all, the matter of their choices is the only one factor to decide whether they should just walk away by ending things up like that or to find each other back and become great friends again. Unfortunately, most of the time, their egos pop up, and in the first place, they decided to let go without saying a word.

I've always remind myself that surrendering is the ridiculous things which is commonly practiced by the fools. Maybe I'm wrong to shun the realiy, but you know I'm kind of lost right now since there are lots of thing left unexplained, and it's now piled up till that it's too late to do a thing. I did give myself a try, but it is something out my control. Time quickly moves, people also keep changing, no one can ever stay the same forever, so I'm ready to move on. How well I can do? I don't know, just give me some time first :)

" Sometimes letting go is so hard, but it is easier than holding on something that isn't there." I'm I right?

Oh well, I myself don't know what I am talking about, this is just a random page of my diary. Have a nice day, everyone.

Credited from Listen to the Wind by Hayley Westenra

To some extents, it would be pretty ridiculous to linger oneself desperately on the bygones... Something that had completely gone with the wind, something that doesn't have the turning back and is not real no more.

The desperation robs our hopes and pushes the fear in return. We mix our past and present moments up. We somehow start to feel lost knowing nothing do or even how to escape the future. We then told ourselves to give up because we can bear no more. It's like going with the flow might not as easy as it sounds, especially when it is not your very own flow. Your head said " Do it!" but your heart said " Don't do it!" Complicated? Yes, think so :P

Don't worry, you see the rainbow down there? Sooner later your dull and overcast sky today will be blown by the wind, the hurricane??? Whatever it is :) The rainbow of hope towards destination will surprise you...