Yesterday marked 20 days that Caroline has been gone. It's unbelievable to me that she has now been gone for the same amount of time that she was here. The 20 days I spent going to the NICU for hours at a time while trying to recover from a major surgery and also taking care of Benaiah seemed so long. And now. . . . those 20 days seem like the blink of an eye.
Time.
I am so very aware of time these days.
Caroline was born on a Wednesday. Every Wednesday reminds me of another week that she would have been with us.
Caroline died on a Tuesday. Every Tuesday reminds me of another week that we have lived without her.
My days are long.
I wait.
I wake up and wait for the day to be over.
I wait on the Lord to relieve me of some pain.
I wait on something magical to happen and Caroline is with me again.
Time passes and my days actually do come to an end.
Months and years will pass and my pain will not be so stinging.
And one day my life will have passed and I will be with Caroline again for Eternity.
There are moments in my days where the fact that she is healed and the certainty that I will live forever with her in Eternity comforts me.
But mostly I hurt and long for her to be here with me.
Our family tried to have a "normal" day on Sunday. We went to church that morning and then to our community group that evening. It was a good day. There are definitely healing qualities that come with normalcy.
But at the end of the day I felt weird. I hadn't thought about Caroline quite as much. I hadn't cried quite as many tears. I hadn't questioned the Lord a million times. And I hated it! I WANT to think about Caroline all of the time and I WANT to cry over our loss and I WANT the Lord to give me understanding. . . . my "new normal".
Doug and I look at pictures of Caroline on our phones all the time. We talk about how it felt to hold her hand, to kiss her head, to tickle her feet . . . . to hold her . . . . to have her present with us.
I often imagine what she is doing in heaven. I actually think it's pretty ridiculous to try and think about this because I'm quite certain I can't imagine anything close to what perfection is really like; but my silly thoughts of her playing and laughing hysterically with her little friends Vittoria de Cristo, Hudson and her big brother or sister somehow comfort me.
I daily think back to Caroline's Celebration of Life service and how it blessed and comforted us so much. I think about every song, every Scripture, every word our pastor said, every family member, friend and even strangers who blessed us so much that day. It was perfect. It was a beautiful service that honored our beautiful Savior and our beautiful baby girl.
Thank you for continuing to pray for our family as we walk this road.
Love,
Elaine
