On Dragonfly Wings

...but I found the strength to go on.

I found the light in the darkness, the light within myself. Feeling better than ever. Feeling stronger than ever. Thankful for each new day.

Lula girl,
I miss you and I love you. I think I am finally moving on, but I will never forget you. All of this strength, all of this light came from you. And you came from Spirit. God's gift to me.
Love forever,
Mommy

Good night, sleep tight
The big bright sun has gone away
Done gone away
Goodbye, don't cry
Tomorrow will bring us a brand new day
We can run and play

[Chorus:]
And they'll laugh up and down the hall
Don't you go shout when you hear them fall
Let them fly across the wall
Let them cry - 'til the morning calls
Little two step angel dance

Big night, bright lights
Time now to lay them all to rest
Put 'em all to rest
Bad guys, mean eyes
All gone away to where they belong
Let's just sing our song

[Chorus]

Good days, new ways
Let go of all things when you sleep
When you're all asleep
Good night, sleep right
Tomorrow is gonna bring us another day
So we can run and play

[Chorus]

My stupid, stupid life. Why must it always be so hard? Why must I always be looking over the horizen, waiting hopefully? Other people get to have things. Other people get husbands and babies. And love. And good times. I know I am just being incredibly negative, but I am so tired of this. Will I ever know happiness. It has been 11 months and 6 days since I lost my baby. In the span of one year, I lost my baby, saw my relationship crumble, built a house, fell in love with someone new, only to have my heart broken again. I feel more alone than ever. And all of my dreams of being a mother seem so far away. I will be turning 30 in exactly one week. No one to hold me at night, no baby in my arms. I feel so sad and empty.

The emptiness comes creeping in and infects everything around me. I am trying so hard every day to stay positive, to not try to predict the future, to stay open to what the universe/God provides. I just feel like I have finally lost my faith. I've held on to it this long. But now, I wonder, if this will just be my life. Lonely...Missing my baby...Coming home to an empty house day after day. Meanwhile life goes on all around me. And I feel like I am the only one stuck in this hole. And then I feel guilty, because I know my life really isn't all that bad. So many people have it so much worse than me. I am thankful for all of my friends who do love me, and my family that I couldn't love more. I guess I'm just depressed. I want so much for things to be different. I want to be married. I want my baby to be here with me, instead of having to visit her at her grave, or assign mystical meaning to every dragonfly or rainbow I see.

The waves keep crashing and crashing. I am tired of "holding on". I just want to let go. I want to let go, and just have everything turn out okay. I am so sick of feeling sad, being brokenhearted. I've been brokenhearted now for an entire year. A year! I thought I found someone who would understand, who would stand by me, and then instead made me trust him, told me he loved me and everything I wanted to hear, made me believe in love again, that I could be happy, I saw my future with him etc, and then out of the blue just dropped me like a bad habit. He just told me it was over. And now, won't return my calls or texts, that's it.

So, guess what? I feel like everything I ever want and love, I will just lose. I feel like if I ever give my heart to someone, they will just break it. That's if I ever even find someone. That even if by some miracle I manage to become pregnant again this century, that I will just lose more babies, that I may never be a mother. I just hate this ca-ca. I'm so sick of it.

My best friend and her doting husband who live next door to me are about to have their baby in the beginning of December. I felt the baby move yesterday for the first time. It didn't make me too sad, not like I thought it would. I didn't come home and cry anything, but then again, I hardly cry anymore. I feel too numb. It's like I don't feel anything anymore. I am happy for her. And I do love her baby already. We have been practically sisters for the past 15 years. I am looking forward to getting to know this little person, and being Aunt Mari. But I wonder how it will feel, knowing that my Lula should be there showing the new baby the ropes. They should have grown up together. My other BFF lives across the street with her husband and they are TTC. How am I going to feel with both of my best friends are not only married but both have children and I am still single and childless? And I actually became a mother before both of them. And yet here I sit still waiting for my rainbow.

How can I get out of this rut? Life seems so depressing, and I know that me wandering around as this empty shell of a person is not going to attract the things that I want. Somehow, I have to find a way to be whole. In the meantime.

Lula,
I can't believe it's almost been a year. I hate this year that stands between us. I still miss you with every ounce of my being. I am trying to have faith, little girl. I truly am. I hope that you are still with me. I hope that you can still hear me. Please know that even through my sadness, my heart still glows with my love for you, the love you brought into my life, into my world. You are a bright spot in my storm, little angel. There's a song that I keep hearing called "Angel Dance" that reminds me of you. And it makes me smile. I love you, baby.
Forever yours,
Mom

Pictures of Lula's new grave statue along with a couple of new little fern plants. Less than a month until the one year anniversary of my baby's death. I am just a shell of a human being sleep-walking through life. The only thing that I want is gone. I can't let go. I am scared of moving forward. I am scared of getting so far away from my baby. One year is just too long. So long since she was here. I relive every moment she was with me. I am reliving every moment every day. Remembering all of the pain of our loss. Hers and mine. The life we would have had together. My beautiful child, I would have been a good mother to her, I know it. I know that I was a good mother to her. And I still am. I do the best I can, anyway.

Sweet Baby Lula,
I hope you like your new statue. I knew the moment I saw this one that it was perfect. I feel better knowing you have this angel watching over you all the time. I hope you like the little ferns, too. They are sweet and delicate, just like you. Now all we need is a bench out there where I can sit and be with you for as long as I want.

Please hold my hand. Be with me. Mommy love's you more than life. I miss you everyday.
Love,
Me

I can't write much, on my lunch break at work.

But basically, the guy I was seeing, that I had come to love, that I thought I would spend my life with just dumped me out of the blue.

Just cut me out of his life with surgical precision. Seems as though everything was just a lie.

I am so crushed. I have never had my heart broken so badly by any man.

But FUCK him!! He is not and will never be good enough for me.

He cares only about himself.

I find myself missing Lula's father so much now.

I am about to turn 30 and coming up on the one year anniversary of Lula's death, and here I sit more empty and broken hearted than ever.

I feel like I will never find the right guy. And even if I did, I'm not sure I could ever trust anyone again. This guy had me completely fooled. He was sweet and thoughtful, treated me well, told me he loved me, right up until the bitter end. Then he just said, "this isn't going to work out". Said I am too sad and I stress him out too much.

So, yeah...

I guess I'll be back to blogging a bunch again.

Please pray for me. I would never kill myself, but lately I find it hard to see the point in living if it's just constant pain like this.

How could I have been so wrong about this guy???

Ahhhh!!!

I am so tired, but I must at least write a little. It's been too long.

I started my new job today. It's okay so far, still training. School starts in two weeks.

I quit smoking. I started up after I lost Lula, in a moment of weakness after more than 6 years of non-smoking. But, I quit again, finally. It's been 12 days!!! And the cravings are still kinda sucky, but I am really happy that I am doing it. I feel so much healthier all ready.

Umm, and I am in LOVE!! Without a doubt, head over heals in love. And, now I am kind of scared I'm going to screw things up. Or that something will happen and I will lose him. I lost the last person I loved and cared about (Lula), so it's hard for me not to be a little scared. I feel like things are going too well, and keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. But I do love him so, so, much. He took me to a gardening place to look for a new statue for Lula's grave, and we looked and looked and saw absolutely nothing, just plants and little metal garden ornaments. Until the very end, when we were about to leave, we saw this beautiful butterfly/fairy/angel statue. She is just beautiful, she is crouching down, with her hands out, tenderly regarding some place on the ground in front of her. She is like a little guardian for my angel. We got some plants, a couple of ferns and little decorative grasses, to plant around it, too. After that, we went and had a lovely dinner in a old little small-town diner. After we came home, he helped me place the new statue and I arranged the plants around, but decided to wait to plant them until I was sure about the placement. He held me there as I cried. He lets me cry. He says he loves me how I am. He says he knows that I miss her, and that I have just been through a lot.

But I'm still scared!! I'm scared he will grow tired of all of this sadness. I'm not sad all of the time. I've been happy a lot lately, actually. And we have a lot of fun together, too. I'm just worried about the affect of all of this on our relationship. Will he feel too much pressure to move the relationship along and to have a baby? Or maybe more importantly, will I put too much pressure on us to move things along? Will I be able to handle that he wants us to take our time? Am I worried that I don't have time? Can I put the baby craziness on hold?? I was able to temporarily while I was single. But now that I am with him, and so in love, I am feeling all of it come rushing back. He has already mentioned how he doesn't want to rush into anything. And for some reason that made me really sad. Like really sad.. Why the hell am I so sad about that? Do I really want him to "rush" into something with me? No. But...

I just feel myself just lining back up for the waiting game. And I hate the waiting game!!! I don't want to play it! I can't control him or how he feels. I can only control me. I have to find a way to be okay with things just being whatever way they are. I can't just be waiting for marriage and baby. I have to find a way to relax and enjoy what we have now, and until then. Like, I am pretty sure it will come. But, just don't know when, and it will probably be quite a while from now. I start thinking about how many months/years post-miscarriage I will be when I finally have a baby, if I finally have a baby. It's almost been a year already. And I can't even imagine having to wait a whole other year, let alone more than that. This year has been so difficult. Walking around as a mother without a baby. How can I, as a lost mother, not let this baggage get the best of my new relationship? At the end of the day, I am willing to wait if he is the right one. And I think he is.

Anyway, I don't really expect anyone to understand or relate to all of this, but I would love comments and advice, nonetheless.

Lula,
Mommy misses you with every fiber of my being!! I wish you were here. But since you can't be here, and since you made me a mother, I really want a little baby here on earth to take care of and love. Not that anyone could ever replace you, baby. You will always be my first. Help mommy to be patient and wait until the time is "right". Help me trust that D is not going to go anywhere. I know he really loves me. And I know that you trust him. Just help me relax and enjoy the good things in my life, most of which you have given to me.

Thank you for ALL of the dragonflies today!! You knew I was nervous about my new job and you and hundreds of your friends were flying around the grass just outside the doors. I was smiling and laughing as I entered the doors for the first time. Simply wonderful, little girl.

I love you angel!! Forever...

-Mommy