Life as a Starbuck

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Life with one Hand: My own little miracle.

The puncture wound 2 days after the incident.

After they splinted me up at the ER

Thank you, Drew, for doing what very few men would do for their wife :)

17 Stitches... This is right before they were taken out 9 days after surgery.

My life has been full of miracles; big and small. I think that Heavenly Father gives us these miracles right when we feel we can't go on any longer, when the road is too hard to trudge through. At least that has been my experience.

The morning of March 8th was a normal day. My mom was visiting from Las Vegas and we had a day full of plans. We got ready for the day and decided to make ourselves a big lunch before going out to run our errands. With Grace screaming in the background, I picked up the avocado in my left hand. Pointing the knife downward (idiot alert!) I forcefully pushed the knife into the pit. The pit split in half and the knife went straight through the flesh of the avocado and into the palm of my hand. I went into shock, pulled the knife out and said, "Ok mom, I hit something and can't feel anything... but I think I'm just in shock and will need a few stitches." So mom called my 9 month pregnant friend, Bethany, to come watch the girls and we went off to the ER.

I remember the whole way to the ER I was having intense pain in my elbow. Later we would discover that I severed the nerve and most likely the tendon... or so the ER doctors said. They didn't stitch me up because the cut was too deep and sent me home with a splint and a recommendation to a hand specialist. It just so happened that the hand specialist was in our stake and spoke with me on the phone that night. We knew my mom would have to extend her ticket and I'd have surgery Wednesday.

Saturday night Drew gave me a blessing that I will never forget. He said that I will regain strength and full function to my hand, and that my recovery would be quick.

Wednesday came and Grandma Jones picked me up to take me to surgery. Drew couldn't miss school and mom needed to stay with my kids. I still had no feeling or movement in my hand (besides my thumb). Being put under was one of the most anxious moments of my life. This time was different because I knew I had a long road to recovery, and I had an irrational fear that I wasn't going to make it out of surgery alive... Something about the word "intubation" gave me a good scare. I was so grateful that day that I knew my surgeon personally and that he would take extra care.

Next is where the biggest miracle occurred. He filleted me open and couldn't find anything but a nick on my ring-finger tendon. No severed nerves, no severed tendons. How could this be? It was truly a miracle.

A month after surgery you would never know this happened to me unless you really took a look at my hand. I still don't have function of my ring finger, but I start physical therapy next week and have confidence that I will heal.

This has been difficult. I have felt sad at times, even hopeless. I realize that this is not as bad as many other things that could go wrong, but as a mother, wife, and online student, this has been an interesting adjustment. My Savior has been by my side, filling in that void and sending angels to minister to my family. There have been earthly angels, like my dear, sweet friends who have put countless hours into my family. There have also been Heavenly angels who have been there to calm my wiggly baby while I sobbed my eyes out trying to change her diaper and wondering how I was going to do it with one hand. I specifically remember a day that I was crying while trying to dress Lucy. Grace silently walked up behind me, placed her tiny hand on my shoulder, and whispered, "it's okay mommy, I love you, it's okay."

For a while now I have asked my Heavenly Father if He knows me, and if He loves me.He does. He blessed me with this trial because He had the opportunity to show me that I am His daughter. The times that I have felt like I couldn't go on, I grasp to my Savior, because I KNOW that he will send me the angels that I need to help me. I have a long road ahead. It won't be easy. But I can do it.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

ALL about Grace.

I can't get enough of this sassy little 2 year old. Well, I guess that's kind of a lie.... sometimes she's a bit much... but we get through our rough times. She can be very, very stubborn. I'm learning different ways to encourage her to make good choices and obey her mom and dad. Her favorite thing is being with her sister. When Grace walks into the room, Lucy's face just lights up. They have their own special way of communication and it is such a great privilege to watch these two bond.
Some funny Graceism's:

While feeding Lucy her dinner..... "Bite! Mmmmmmm Lucy, is it good?"
"Lucy! You see this burn on my hand? You SEE it?! Owie, it hurts. It buuuurns!"
She loves to read Lucy stories and take care of her. She tries to change her diaper and get her into the bath (both scary things). Really, I have to keep a close eye on Grace because she loves her sister so much she almost hurts her sometimes.

I really try to be patient with Grace and to just love her. I've prayed and thought a lot about how to raise her, and the answer I continue to get is to "just love her". I realize that she needs a lot of my attention and that is hard right now while I trudge through my senior year of college while raising these two little ones, basically alone. BUT it's such an honor to be their mother. I'm grateful for my sweet Grace.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Sick Little Lucy.

It has been a crazy few months for our family. I really can't believe I'm finding the time to update my blog, but I really wanted to document what's been going on before I forget.

It all started when we went in for Lucy's 2 month immunizations. She had her shots and did really well, so I didn't give it another thought. Then the next day she started having diarrhea. I figured this was normal because of her shots. The diarrhea continued for 9 days and on day 10 she spiked a fever of 103. Our thermometer was acting weird so my friend Bethany brought me her thermometer and sure enough, Lucy had a really high fever.

I called the doctors office and they had me bring her in since she was under 90 days old and a fever that high usually signals something is amiss. I still thought it was from her immunizations and figured we would be in and out of the office pretty quick. It turned into an all afternoon affair. They started doing the normal blood and urine tests and sent us home.

The next day she started vomiting uncontrollably. I called the doctors office again and they said that E. Coli showed up in her urine culture and they wanted to repeat the catheter to be sure. So we went back in and it took them SIX times to get the catheter in. She was bleeding and screaming and Grace was crying (Drew was at school). It was horrible. The next day they called back and had me come back in to tell me it was definitely the E. Coli and a few other weird bugs (that I don't even know the names of) in her urinary tract. They told me there was only one oral antibiotic and two IV antibiotics that would take care of this particular bug.

Long story short, she started the oral antibiotic and just couldn't hold it down. We tried everything. We put it in her bottle, diluted it with pedialyte, tried giving her tiny amounts over a long period of time. Nothing worked. And to top it off we had to give it to her every 6 hours on the dot. Finally I got fed up and called the doctors office again. They knew me really well by this point since we were 2 weeks into the process. FINALLY the doctors decided she needed to be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics. While I didn't want to live at a hospital, I knew it was necessary.

Day 1 at Salem Hospital

Day 2 at Salem Hospital.

On day 2 Lucy showed a lot of improvement and even held down a dose of oral antibiotics. Drew and I both didn't feel right about Lucy coming home even though the doctor insisted she would be fine. So, we went home and sure enough the vomiting started again that very night. The next day I called into the docs office and they said she would be fine and would learn to tolerate the medication. I was furious. I started making phone calls to other doctors all of which agreed she needed to continue IV antibiotics. The next day (at this point we were 3 weeks into the process) the doctor called and said it was time to admit her back to the hospital.

The problem was that since there was a gap in time between the last IV antibiotics we would have to completely restart the 10 day treatment. I had been solely taking this burden on because Drew was in the middle of his semester in school and just couldn't miss school. This was a big burden for me to bear alone, and I still look back and wonder how the heck I kept myself together.

They sent us up to Doernbecher Children's Hospital in Portland where we planned to stay for the 10 days. I sent Grace to Vegas to stay with my parents for a week because I knew she would be loved and taken care of, and I really had no other choice. It was torture.

We got to the hospital and settled in. Lucy got her IV and they started the antibiotics. Since she would have the antibiotics for so long they decided to place a PICC line. It went from her inner arm up her vein near her heart. She wasn't allowed to eat past midnight and they said she'd be the first one to be sedated in the morning. That never happens. They didn't start her PICC line procedure until 11:30 the NEXT day. She hadn't eaten for a full 12 hours. I was so mad, and so was she. We were both exhausted at this point because it's impossible to sleep in hospitals. They tried to sedate her but she just wouldn't be sedated. They finally kicked me out of the room and finished placing the PICC line. She was wide awake during the whole procedure. When they brought her back the nurse kept apologizing for putting her through so much pain..... Once again I wonder how I continued to hold it together.

A few hours after she got the PICC line the nurse came to tell me that they were going to send us home with home care nurses. I was even trained to administer the antibiotics through her IV line. I was so excited to be going home.

^^ Lucy after getting her PICC line^^

^^Her check up after a few days being home. I think this was day 5 of the PICC line.^^

Grace wanted an "owie" too.

Home at last with the whole family.

This was when she was getting her PICC line taken out. It was painful but we were all happy it was over.

Because of the heavy antibiotics she was on, she still is having some digestion problems. She had some reflux of the kidneys and had to have more tests after her PICC line was taken out. I feel like this whole experience has been such a blur. It was truly a living nightmare for any parent to have to go through. I think the hardest part was having to put one child's needs above the other child for a short time. I had so much guilt about neglecting Grace. I know that my Heavenly Father provided so many tender mercies throughout this experience. My sister had called me a week before Lucy went to the hospital the first time saying she was coming into town. She just happened to fly in the day that Lucy was admitted the first time. Then the day she was flying back to Vegas happened to be the day after Lucy was admitted to the Children's Hospital, so Grace was able to fly back with her. I have amazing friends here in Salem who provided meals, came to visit and keep me company, and who took Grace when she needed to get out of the house. I have truly seen the Lord's hand through this whole experience. I know that this was one of those times where my faith was really tested, and I was able to use the Atonement again to find comfort and peace. I can now empathize with those mothers who have sick children; I saw so many of them up at the Children's hospital, laying over their children's beds hoping for the best. We are so glad to have our happy, healthy baby back. I will forever be grateful for the blessings that my Heavenly Father has given me in being a mother.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Finding Sunshine in the Gloom.

The rain has finally set in. We knew this would happen and got plane tickets the same week Lucy was born for me to go to Vegas. I'm so glad we did. I'm not sure if I will ever get used to the rain.

Obviously I can't live in Vegas, our life is here in Oregon, so we make the best of what we have. Living in Oregon has been quite a hard adjustment for me. My struggle with depression and anxiety is magnified living in such gloom. But somehow, we have found happiness in this gloom. I've heard the phrase "Bloom where you are planted" many times throughout my life. I'm trying to do this. We get out and do things even when it's raining because we just can't be locked up in our small town house all day. We also put carpet down in our garage and made a play area for Grace. I spend my time doing things that are uplifting and happy, even when it's gloomy. I think I will survive this rain. Who knows, maybe I'll even grow to like it one of these years.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Finding the Balance.

We are finding our balance around here, and trust me, it's been quite the balancing act. I thought I would be healed by now since Lucy is already 5 weeks old. Really, I don't feel any better than I did after week 1. I still have all of my stitches and still have a lot of pain.

Drew went back to school so it's been up to me to raise these darling girls.

Grace is doing much better. Just happier all around.

Lucy is a whole different story. The poor girl throws up and cries 24/7. I have tried everything from cutting out dairy, gluten, and tried every herbal remedy in the book. I'm in the process of switching her to a special formula that Grace was on. It's so hard watching her cry all the time.

I never knew how much work 2 kids could be. I also forgot how much effort it takes to keep up with newborn. In a lot of ways it has been easier than the first time since we know what to expect and have a few notches in the belt of parenting. We love these girls and are so happy they are a part of this family. Strangely enough, my family still feels incomplete so I guess a few more kids are in our future!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Lucy Ann Starbuck

Two days before delivery.

A week before Drew got home I was really sick. I had been to Labor & Delivery twice with fever and severe itching. They took some blood and sent it off to the lab. I called the doctors office every day for over a week looking for answers and relief from my itching. They had sent the blood to specialists to be tested. Drew got home. The next day my results came in and the doctor called and wanted me to come in right away. We made the 30 minute drive out to Silverton and they immediately hooked me up to a non-stress test to monitor the baby. The doc came in and told me I had a liver disease that occurs in the later stages of pregnancy called Cholestasis of Pregnancy. Basically, instead of the liver bile breaking down fats the liver dumps the bile into the bloodstream, which then crosses over into the placenta and is poisoning the baby. The doctor was leaving town the next day (Friday) but told us to come back for another appointment on Monday morning with the new doctor who had just finished her residency. We worried all weekend, I received blessings and we prayed... a lot. I had this haunting feeling that I would be delivering a still born, which is one of the biggest concerns with Cholestasis patients. We went to my appointment on Monday and the doctor said we needed to take the baby out immediately and that they were willing to slowly induce me so I could still try for a VBAC. We were told to come to the hospital the next morning at 7 am for the induction.

When they said they would slowly induce me, they meant it. It was soooo slow. But they needed to do it slowly to ensure that I wouldn't have a ruptured uterus or a baby in distress. They started my pitocin at 8:30 and I started having contractions immediately. I walked those hospital hallways about a hundred times, it felt like. The doctor came back at 12 to break my water. My contractions were so painful and I finally got an epidural at 1:45. I was dilating very slowly, which they expected. So we just settled in to wait.

Finally, at 8:30 I was feeling tons of pressure and just needed to push. I pushed for 30 minutes and there she was.

She was born at 9:08 pm.

She came out and didn't even cry! Her eyes were just wide open and she looked at each person in the room. She never did cry despite the nurses trying everything they could to get her to cry and clear out her lungs. She was wide awake for 4 hours just looking at everyone and everything around. They put her right on my chest and we did skin to skin for an hour. She nursed right away.... it was such a wonderful moment.

We stared at each other for hours.

Drew was so excited for his turn to hold her. She reached right up and touched his face the first time she saw him and just stared into his eyes.

Grace is obsessed with "UUUcy". It has been an interesting adjustment but each day is getting better. Grace is so used to getting all of the attention that this was a big shock for her.

I am so grateful for the experience I had with this birth, especially with the experience I had at Silverton Hospital. I would seriously fly to have all of my children here, that's how wonderful it was. We are so excited and blessed to have our Lucy here and are so grateful she was healthy and didn't need any time in the NICU. We love you, Lucy Ann.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

I'm getting nervous!

Am I the only mom that starts having major anxiety as the due date draws closer? I have nightmares about having my baby. Mostly, I have nightmares that something will go terribly wrong and something bad will happen to the baby, or me. Both times around I have made a "death plan" for myself and mostly for Drew to know what I would want for our children if I wasn't around to raise them. Isn't this so morbid?

I think this time around is even worse. Wondering if I will have a VBAC or another C-section is freaking me out. What if I make the wrong choice and something bad happens to me or the baby? I suppose this is where personal revelation comes in and I should follow the Spirit, but my anxiety has the best of me right now.

Is this just me or do all soon-to-be moms go through this kind of thought process?