It "Dozen" Get Much Better Than This

As I was walking through Wal-Mart today, my phone rang.  It was Zachary's birth Grandmother ( I like to call her, his first Grandma).  It caught me off guard, but I was thrilled to hear her voice. 

We talked for a few minutes.  She shared some very personal things with me, things that brought me to tears.  She is an amazing woman.  I felt a connection with her the minute I met her back in August (the day Zach was born). 

From the moment Zachary passed away, I have had an over-whelming feeling of failure, failure as a Mother.  Why couldn't I have kept him safe?  Isn't that my job as a mother, to keep my children safe and protected?  Why didn't I hold him a little longer that day? 

All the trust that complete strangers put in me to raise their child and I failed.  It's a feeling that comes back to me over and over.  Losing a child you give birth to has got to be hard enough, losing an adopted child is all of that plus the guilt you feel as an adoptive parent that you let another family down.  Knowing that we had no warning or any signs that there was a problem helps the tiniest bit but nonetheless, the feelings of failure rise up over and over.

The past week has been so hard.  I keep thinking that it should get easier as time goes by but I guess I'm not at that point yet......

Never in my life have I felt such strong emotions.  My heart hurts.  My chest feels like it has a load of bricks sitting on top.  Sometimes my breathing feels so ragged that it hurts to breath. 

Isaiah asked me what Jesus does with Zachary.  I told him that I'm sure he holds him and snuggles him. I told him that maybe he even sings him songs.  He asked what songs?  I told him the first song that came to mind, It's All About Your Heart.  As I started to sing it to him (because he doesn't know what it's called), I couldn't even get past the first line before breaking down.  Yeah, it's been a rough week........

Maybe part of the problem is we sent Sabrina back to BYU on Monday.  She had moved home for the month and to be honest, when the two of us are together, there are a lot of laughs.  She got me through some of the hardest days with laughter.  She probably doesn't even know but she was a breath of fresh air for the past three weeks.  But as much as I would love to have her home, she needed to be around young adults her age, plus she was still paying for her housing contract so we figured she might as well be using it!

She will be back in 3 weeks for Christmas....whew!

Thank you for calling me today, Kay.  Your words touched my heart.  Yet another way Zachary touched our lives.....bringing two families together that would have never otherwise met.  We have the utmost love and respect for Zachary's first family.  They will always have a special place in our hearts.  We love each of you.

I did some shopping today.  Christmas shopping.  I made the mistake of walking through the baby section to get over to the shoe department.  I had no idea I would have my heart ripped out while making my way through.  I'm sure the other ladies that were shopping found it strange to see a woman start sobbing while looking at the Christmas outfits for "Baby's First Christmas".  What was I thinking......

I stopped by the cemetery on the way home.  I thought about Isaiah, telling everyone that comes to the house, "Our baby's body is in the grass but his spirit is up with Jesus!"  He's so proud that his baby gets to be with Jesus, that Jesus is holding his baby brother. 

I don't quite have his enthusiasm.  The empty spot in my heart is still there.  Empty arms remind me all the time that my baby is gone.  I know all the right responses that we tell people when they have lost a loved one, but it still doesn't take away the pain.

 I love you Zachary.  I know I will see you again.  I know you're in a better place, but none of that changes the fact that your Mama misses you more than I ever knew possible.

It was so fun having Samantha, Colt and sweet little Calvin here since Wednesday!  On Thursday, for Thanksgiving, we had a wonderful day together and even Grammy came for dinner!  It was so fun to see her, even if she doesn't remember any of us and insists she needs to get to know us.  At 92, with only a tiny bit of her memory left, she is still a joy and so sweet with all the kids.  From what we can tell, she remembers her 3 daughters and their spouses but that's about it.  But we love her tiny little self and feel so blessed to have her with us.

On Friday, Scott and I went and spent the night at the Anniversary Inn.  It's a beautiful Bed and Breakfast that has 41 speciality themed rooms.  It was gorgeous and we had such a great time together.  We never really celebrated out anniversary because I was still recovering from the flu at the time.  We haven't  spent a night away from the kids for years (except when we stayed with Zachary at the hospital the night before he passed away).  Sam, Colt and Sabrina held down the fort while we were gone and we are so thankful for their willingness to do that!  It was nice to not have to worry about anything at home. 

Today Sam and Colt blessed Calvin at church!  Colt's family came into town as well.  It was so great to see them.  Samantha is truly blessed with great in-laws!  Everyone came for lunch after church and it was so nice to just sit around and visit with everyone!

It's back to school tomorrow!  Just 3 weeks away from Christmas break and all the kids are super excited! 

Here are a couple of pics from our Thanksgiving dinner and one of the Bed and Breakfast we stayed at!

I love this time of year!  I love all the baking and decorations!  I love the extra time we get to spend together as a family! We have so much to be thankful for!

We're healing over here.  It's slow and sometimes painful, but it's a process and we're moving through it.  Today I brought home small photo albums.  Everyone has pics of Zachary that they want to keep and I had been telling the kids I would get everyone their own little book to put their own pics in but then I got sick last week and didn't leave the house.  Today you would have thought it was Christmas!  They were all soooo excited to pick their album and then put their pics in it!!!  It was healing and I was so happy for them to have a place to keep their special pictures.

On Sunday, Thomas, Isaiah and I went to the cemetery to visit Zachary's grave.  As much as we have explained to Isaiah that Zachary is with Jesus, he is still waiting for him to come home.  He kept asking me if Jesus was going to be at the cemetery with Zachary.  When we got there, he jumped out of the car, looking all around, asking me where Jesus was.  He was ready for him to give his baby brother back.  When he realized that Jesus was not there, he jumped back in the car and waited to go home. 

We are so excited to have Samantha, Colt and that adorable grand baby, Calvin here this week!!  We can't get enough of them!!!! 

This week, I hope you are surrounded by family and close friends.  I'll be counting my blessings, like so many of us do, as we give thanks for the abundance we have been given.

Two nights ago, Scott ran to the store 'for a few things'.  I had no idea what he needed, but didn't think much about it.  Awhile later he returned and in his hand were a few dozen carnations (one of my favorite flowers).  I thought that was sweet of him.  He had been gone all week and knew how sick I had been, not too mention that it had been an emotional day for me.  I must have had a questioning look on my face because he nodded towards the calendar and said, "They are for our anniversary tomorrow". 

I spun around and looked at the calendar to see the date......he was right, it was our anniversary and I had not even remembered.  I dropped my head into my hands and burst into tears.  I couldn't believe that I hadn't remembered something as important as our 22nd anniversary!!!  Me?  I never forget that!!! I was so mad at myself! I just bawled and bawled.

Of course the kitchen was only full of boys at the moment and it got awkwardly quiet as they listened to me bawl my head off.  Finally I looked up into their questioning eyes.  Levi was the first to ask, "Ya mad bro?"  Yes, I'm so mad that I forgot our anniversary!!!!!  He kind of backed away, giving his dad a bewildered look.  Scott stepped in and just held me as I cried some more.

I'm so done crying.  I have never cried so much in my life as I have these past few weeks.  And then just when I think I'm done, something triggers a tear and out they come again!

But good news!!!  Scott and I celebrated 22 years of marriage and I continue to thank my Father in Heaven for a man who loves, supports and adores me.  I trully am so blessed.

This was a hard week.....for so many reasons.  But what made it even harder was after saying goodbye to all our family that came into town last week, I was promptly knocked on my butt in bed with the flu!

Sunday, we said goodbye to the last of our guests and Sabrina left to drive back to Rexburg to pack up all her stuff.  She had decided to move home and thankfully she arrived back home Monday!  Scott left early Monday morning for a business trip and wouldn't be home until late Wednesday night.

When the flu hit, it was all I could do to mumble a few requests to Sabrina and crawl into my bed.....where I stayed until today.  As a mother, there are not many times in my life that I can remember staying in bed all day, let alone for 4 days!!!  I can probably count the times on one hand!  But considering the previous week, all my reserves were completely wiped out.

What a blessing to have Sabrina home.  She ran the show.  She cooked, cleaned, put everyone to bed, ran a million errands and took kids here and there!  I could not have done it without her.

The hard part was, when I wasn't actually sleeping, all I could do was stare at all of Zachary's belongings.  All of his clothes, bouncy seat, car seat, blankets, cards we received, picture album, scrapbook, medical supplies....everything that was his, sat under the window on my side of the bed.  That's where it always was, from the time we brought him home.  His little dresser, the cabinet with all his medical supplies, stuffed animals, etc., were right there.

It wasn't a problem or an issue, it was just now I felt like it needed a more reverent place to be.....does that make sense????  I wanted a trunk.  And not just any trunk. It had to be just the right trunk.  I told Sabrina and she spent the entire week searching every store we could think of to find my trunk. 

Today she found my trunk.  I love it.  I'm so thankful for a place to keep Zachary's things.  I want them protected, kept safe from everything else.  As I started putting things in it, I felt a peace, a reverence that I had hoped for.

Writing about Zachary is so healing.  Being able to get things out of my brain and onto 'paper' helps me so much.  After I posted that last entry, floods of thoughts and memories started to pour out.  I was headed to bed but just had to post this:

A week or so ago, Savannah was saying her prayers before bed.  At one point her prayer went something like this:
"And please help baby Zachary to have fun in Heaven....."  My thoughts as she said that were, yes Savannah, I hope he does "have fun in Heaven", but I miss having him here on Earth more than anything.......

Before we took Zach off life support, our Bishop was at the hospital with us and offered a prayer.  When he finished, he said he had the distinct impression that there were many family members and close friends, who were waiting to receive Zachary.  I thought of family members in each of our family's who have passed on and considered the possibility of family members from our birth families and I'm sure there were several there to meet him and welcome him home.

One person in particular, who I'm sure was there, was Lucky. Lucky is a dear family friend for many years.  He passed away a few years ago.  Both Scott's family as well as mine grew up with his family. Later as a teenager, I babysat for his two beautiful daughters.  Years later, his family sat behind us in church every single Sunday.  His sister is a very dear friend and when she called shortly after Zachary's passing, I told her that I knew Lucky was first in line to welcome Heaven's newest Angel home. Lucky has the heart of a teddy bear.  All of our children adored him. 

His wife and daughters continue his legacy by collecting toys for children at Christmas time.  We were honored and privileged to help deliver those gifts (I think it was the first year) while caroling with  their family.  The gifts they provide those children are so much more than just some toys at Christmas, they come from the heart and they spend the entire year collecting donations and organizing everything.

Thank you Brenda, Moe and Rochelle for reaching out to help those who can't help themselves.  We will never forget your kindness and love when you brought that bag, jam packed with food, goodies and stuff for Sabrina to do while she was at the hospital in Oregon with Zachary. 

P.S. Donal, his sister, mentioned that Lucky had been buried with a HotWheel in his pocket.....which we both knew, he would have immediately shared with Zachary.  :)

I'm one of those people who needs to get things out so that so that I can process and work through them.  My heart is aching so badly, I know I need to start the process. 

On Saturday, November 3rd at 5:46 pm, our sweet Zachary passed away.  There are no words to describe the pain and anguish I felt as he passed from this life to the next. 

From the moment I read about the agency looking for a family for a special needs baby, I knew that baby was meant to be part of our lives.  In the back of my mind, something told me that there would be many challenges that would come with this beautiful baby, along with immense joy!  In the days and weeks that would follow, there would be many hard days.  Days when we waited anxiously after surgery, days when we had many appointments to try to fit in, but through it all we had peace.

Zachary was an easy baby.  He wasn't fussy, he wasn't colicky, he loved to be held and cuddled.  Most of the time I would cuddle him in my arms until he fell asleep and then I would lay him down.  He was such a little snuggle bug.

I replay Friday over and over in my mind constantly.  I had been looking forward to that day and was so excited when I woke up!  We would be going into the agency for our last post placement visit and after that we would be meeting with our birth mother and her parents.  I was so excited for them to see him.  It would be the first time since the day he was born and he had changed so much from that day! I knew they were anxious and I could only imagine the anticipation they must be feeling as well. 

Lots of pictures were taken during the hour we visited.  Zachary was happy and didn't mind being passed around.  It was his nap time, so I prayed that he would do ok. At one point in our visit, Zachary smiled, not once but twice at his birth mother. Because of the angle I was sitting, I couldn't see it.  He had never smiled until that moment.  I had a feeling he was going to smile that day when he saw her.  In fact, I had told Sabrina earlier, how perfect it would be if he did!!!  I will be forever thankful that she was able to see him smile!

We left the office and headed home.  We got there about 1:30, which was feeding time, so I fed him and then put him in the front pack. Finally at about 3:45, I went upstairs and laid him on my bed.  All the kids would be getting off the bus at 4, and I wanted to be able to help them unload their backpacks and help them get a snack before Zachary would need to eat again at 4:30.  After I laid him down, I went in and made his milk so that it would be ready for him in a few minutes. 

At 4:30, I went back upstairs to start his milk.  But when I saw his face, sheer terror swept over me.  He was blue and freezing cold.  I scooped him into my arms and ran, sobbing and screaming for Scott.  I will be forever thankful that my husband works from home.  He grabbed him from me and ran downstairs.  He called 911 while he started CPR.  This past summer as part of his training as a Boy Scout leader, he had to take a CPR class, which also included infant CPR.

He kept it going as we waited for the emergency crew to arrive. He tells me it was only 2 or 3 minutes (we live just around the corner from the fire station) but it seemed like forever!!!  They came in and within minutes, the floor was covered in gear and men (and one woman).  After several minutes, his heart started beating.  He was still unresponsive but we were so thankful for a heartbeat.

The rest of the night is a blur.  I rode in the ambulance to the hospital.  Scott would bring the car behind us.  They transferred us from our hospital to the Pediatric Hospital in Boise (where he was born).  Doctors would work on him until after 2 am, when they finally said they had done what they could and they would be back in the morning.

They cooled his body temperature to Hypothermia temperature, in hopes of keeping the swelling down and allowing his brain to return to normal.  After 24 hours, they would begin the very slow process of bringing his body temperature back to normal.  During the warming process, they hoped they would see some sort of neurological activity to let us know that he was in there.  They saw nothing.

The Doctor told us it was time to remove him from life support and just hold him.  We didn't know how long we would have with him before he stopped breathing.  Turned out to be just short of two hours.  He stopped breathing  peacefully and then he was gone. 

My heart felt like it was wrenched out of my body.  I wanted to scoop him up and take him home.  It had to be a nightmare, this wasn't really happening.

Earlier when I was headed to the hospital in the ambulance, I had called Sabrina.  She could barely understand what I was saying but she and Sam threw some clothes in the car and started driving.  They arrived just after 1:30 in the morning.  Zachary had a very special bond with Sabrina.  There was no way she wouldn't have come. 

As we held our precious angel in our arms for the last time, all of our hopes and dreams for him disappeared.  He would miss his first Christmas, taking his first steps, first day of school, playing basketball with Levi (Levi had informed us many times that he would be Zach's personal coach and make sure he learned all the skills necessary to be a 'good ball player'), playing football with Isaiah (he talked constantly to Zachary about this and was so excited to play catch), there would be no first date, no wondering where he would go to college, no holding him close and drying his tears, no hearing about his hopes and dreams.......

I think about that day constantly and wonder why I didn't hold him just a little bit longer??  Why did he stop breathing?  Was he scared? Did he wonder where I was?  These questions will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.  I pray for peace. I pray that in his heart he knew he was loved and adored. I pray that he will know that he touched the lives of countless people, that there are people out there that have chosen to be better because they knew him. 

I love you, Zachary Scott.  You have changed my life forever.  You taught me things about myself and others that I will never forget.  You were a joy to parent and I will be forever thankful to your beautiful birth mother, for choosing us to be your family.  I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father, who will keep you in his care until we see you again.

**I wrote this for me. I needed to get this all out, in written form.  It helps me process.  I'm sorry if it's a jumbled mess or if something doesn't really 'sound right'......I suspect over the next few days, weeks, months I will continue to post memories or thoughts about our sweet baby, so please bear with me......thank you to so many for the thoughts and prayers on our family's behalf. 

I never in a million years thought I would be posting something of this nature on my blog.....and hopefully those who read it, already know what happened.  If you haven't heard of the tragic events of the last week, someday I will get around to posting them but for now I need to post this:

Funeral services for our sweet angel baby, Zachary will be tomorrow, Friday the 9th at 2 pm.  A viewing will be held from 1-1:45.

If you need directions or other information, please leave a comment with an email and I will message you privately.

We appreciate all the love and support we have received thus far.