My Quest

Friday, April 17, 2015

Life as a Whisper

I've never been away from my blog for so long

I don't feel a connection to much of anything

from the years closest to my surgery

So I forget My Quest is here sometimes

Life seems to have become a fragmented timeline of

B.A. - before aneurysm

S.A - since aneurysm

or B.S. - this is a bunch of bullshit

hahaha just kidding

I am different

While I never felt I belonged before aneurysm

I belong even less so now

My brain decides who and what it will tolerate

and when it will disconnect

I reside in a parallel world between here and there

Just when I think my screws must be loose

I hear similar questions from the world of the aneurysm survivors

and I find it amusing

Truth is, if you put a bunch of us anywhere near a crowded room

full of chatter, noise, loud music and add strobe lights

we'll be a slurring confused mass of people bumping into walls

I've decided it must be a government plot

they insert these clips into our brains with imbedded chips

that they control remotely to make us do their bidding

Those moments when we go haywire must be moments

when the chips are being tested

or electronic interference

Smirk

Life is different

Familial relationships are different

I have no interest in close friendships

Throughout my life I have walked as if on tiptoe

Careful not to make a sound

I live as a whisper

When I dare to set my heels firmly on the ground

Life backslaps me and I'm thrown in a ditch

Sometimes I bounce back right away

other times I lie there flat on the ground

This time I was knocked clear off my path

I got up but don't recognize where I am

I am like a ghost

I walk silently

Observing

Waiting

Wondering if I am seen or heard

Wondering why I'm not here or there

My only companions the other ghosts

who tiptoe in silence

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Look in the Mirror

A woman said that it broke her heart to hear other women say

that they never look in the mirror

other than a quick glance to make sure things match

I thought how odd

I don't look in the mirror much

except to make sure I haven't played connect the dots with my eyeliner

or some other important thing like that

Her comment lingered in my head and I wondered

why?

Why do we avoid looking into that reflection of self?

Instead of stopping everyone on the street and asking why

I figured I'd ask myself

and the answer was kinda tough

I stood in front of the mirror and made myself look

beyond the usual precursory glance

I felt myself begin to squirm and I forced myself to look

I heard my brain begin its derogatory chatter

loser, idiot, ugly, useless, blah blah blah

and I squirmed some more as I forced myself to hold steady

waste, shameful, did I say ugly

I wanted to cry but I was determined so I looked into my eyes

I ignored my brain and looked deep

I saw hatred

I got closer to the mirror and looked deeper

I saw sadness

I got close enough that my breath created little fog patches on the mirror

I saw flashes of color, depth, pattern in my iris

that pulled my gaze deeper into the darkness of my pupil

Lost in the depths of that darkness I could no longer hear my brain chatter

There I saw strength and wonder and awe

The gateway

I remembered all the times I've been knocked flat

and how I keep getting up

(although sometimes I wish I'd just lie there for a while)

I saw my family, my ancestors, my past, my future all wrapped up

I saw gratitude, love, intrigue, empathy

Way down deep in that darkness I caught a glimpse of my soul

A teeny weeny glimpse that made me ashamed to feel such hatred

towards the package it calls home

I pulled away and drew a heart in the little fog patch

I learned two lessons

1. Don't ask why if you don't want to know

2. I have some work ahead of me

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

On Death

I purposely haven't chosen words for the year

because I'm not ready for Life to sucker punch me

smirk

One thing I've been struggling to grasp lately is the concept of Death

Not my own

I'm not afraid of dying but rather living in a dependent state

where someone has to be my eyes, ears, arms, legs or even mental state

Instead what I'm struggling with is seeing beyond demise

Since surgery I look at others and see 'a downward spiral'

It was becoming difficult to see beyond it until someone reminded me

that we are all dying

It's common knowledge

Nothing had changed but my perception

Where I once saw beauty and laughter I was now seeing a fading of life

Everything was tinged with a sadness

While I was finally comfortable with the idea of not wanting friends

I wasn't ready to accept that I would one day lose my family

But I see their illnesses beginning to multiply

And I see age starting to take a toll

My sister's father in law passed away before Thanksgiving

Her brother in law is now in hospice dealing with terminal cancer

My brother just had surgery to remove prostate cancer

My doggie just had a low malignant tumor removed from her leg

And my sister is still looking for the source of her illnesses

And there are the others...

It's all around...as if my surgery opened the door and invited death in

As I shoveled the snow I thought of this

I can sit in my house and wait for Death to ring the doorbell

Or like my Mama says, keep living fully and have Death chase her down

As I thought some more I realized it's not Death I am afraid of

It's the act of losing someone I love

Of not having them physically with me

To share the laughter that leaves you gasping for breath

And being able to finish each others sentences

and yet...there's no way around it

So I could live in fear of what's to come

or just accept it and enjoy the moments we have right now

(as much as I don't want to I haven't a choice)

I LOVE my family

and while Death may be our house guest at the moment

perhaps we can shackle it to a chair and keep it still for a while

a long while

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Best Year Ever

As we sat around the table on Christmas Eve

loudly playing round after round of La Loteria (Mexican bingo)

It occurred to me that 12 months ago I was still trying to function

That thought reminded me of my greatest discovery

In May I was still driving less than 20 miles, was still slurring,

had to remind myself how to count

was writing detailed notes for myself to help me function...

As I struggled trying to figure out how to function in a new world

I started feeling that I could no longer offer anything to the world

In a desperate attempt to reconnect to a world without doctors and exams

I contacted the Habitat for Humanity

Told them I was limited physically and mentally

but had a mouth that wouldn't shut up

And that's how I got the assignment to call contractors for building supplies

During the week I'd call contractors and every Saturday

I was on the job site signing in volunteers

The more I did the faster my brain healed

Then my guys started joining in

My husband, son, step sons and I installed the electrical service

I LOVED IT!

Then last week the home was completed and dedicated

The little family of four had a home for Christmas

I was assigned to mentor this family for the next year

Which meant I accompanied them to the closing

As they signed the mortgage papers, tears of joy streamed down her face

And my heart swelled with pride for all those volunteers and donors

(and my amazing guys)

who made this family's dream come true

Best year ever

Friday, December 5, 2014

El Camino de Elena

Thought I'd come back to post before y'all think I died

So that little incident I had in the prior post was just

Firing Synapses

It's like living alone in a dark quiet cave on the top of a mountain

and walking out one night into the mega-daddy of all firework celebrations

with the world's population singing and dancing

to all the different types of music playing all at once

My brain was like a kid on a sugar high

And since then it's been functioning as close to normal as it could

(unless it's tired-then it's just plain amusing)

~ ~ ~

Some time ago I spoke about my desire to do a pilgrimage in Spain

specifically to walk El Camino de Santiago

For no other reason than to try to find what others have found

To walk in lost and confused and come out strong and confident

To feel kinship with others who take the journey

a camaraderie amongst those who don't speak the same verbal language

but follow a similar yearning in their soul

To face the journey's hardships that test one's physical and mental state

Culminating at the Santiago de Compostela Cathedral

Where one bows in gratitude for the blessings along the way

before returning home to resume a normal life

So when my friend recently pointed me towards a book about El Camino

I didn't feel the same desire

It occurred to me that this past year and a half has been my pilgrimage

(I'll even name it - El Camino de Elena)

I walked in unprepared - armed only with full blown trust

It's been a rough journey but one that has proven my strength and resolve

One that showed me what truly matters and what's just plain fluff

One that introduced me to others along the way making the same journey

One that threatened to tear apart what I've known

only to weave it tighter than before

The only difference is that there is no end of the road Cathedral

I bow in gratitude as I look to the sky wherever I stand

I don't return home to resume a normal life

because life cannot be normal once touched by the pilgrimage

My eyes see with a deeper understanding

My soul, heart, mind...my physical and mental aspects have intertwined

I am not the same person I was

And it's all good

~ ~ ~

One of the most iconic symbols of El Camino de Santiago

is the scallop shell (the Pilgrim's Shell)

Shortly before my aneurysm was discovered I was given my

own Pilgrim's Shell at the start of my pilgrimage

(I wrote about it before but I'll share again)

As my son and I walked along the ocean front

I bent over as the waves receded and stuck my fingers deep into the wet sand

and retrieved this

I walked another 8'-10' feeling the waves crash around my ankles

stuck my fingers deep into the sand again and retrieved this

I stopped when I realized that the shapes were similar

that they fit

I smirked and thought 'whoa! angels...you're good'

My Pilgrim's Shell

Love cradled within Wings

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Fizzled Brain

Have you ever sat in your car at a stop light

and it suddenly starts idling high and you think

Uh Oh

You look around slightly confused

turn off the radio

poke at random buttons and knobs

and cautiously glance through the window

for any tell tale wisps of smoke coming from the hood

(and one hand on the door ready to run and hide in the bushes)

That kind of happened to me the other day

Except it wasn't my car

It was my brain

A little side effect from my surgical adventure

I have to be careful with too much stimulation

Too much talking, noise, music, visual, thoughts

And that day I was playing music, singing, sorting and

thinking

I didn't even know I was thinking until there were way too many thoughts

And then I started pacing

I was idling high and expecting wisps of smoke

So I ran

Into the nearest windowless bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub in the dark

Apparently that's all I needed

To remove myself from all the stimulation

My brain shut up quickly as it curiously wondered

'Hey! What happened?!'

While it was scary for a moment

I find it quite amusing now

I've become a wimp!

I was like a kid on way too much sugar

LOL!

That's ok, it's all a part of a healing brain

I just have to remember to take it slow

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Defragmentation Required

We were at my step son's house when I met the neighbor's parents

My husband told me I knew the neighbor

I kept saying no and he kept insisting

When he recognized the start of panic on my face he backed off

He explained to the parents that I lost some short term memory

and the worst thing to do is insist I know something when I can't remember

~ ~ ~

When my Dad had a stroke he regressed 32 years

He didn't recognize me and I had to be careful not to use my name

In his mind I was supposed to be 4...not 36

He would look around the rooms and ask me when he was going home

I would tell him he was home and he'd become animated

explaining in detail what the home back on 18th street was like

Some days he would ask me if the orchard was covered in dew

and would he need his jacket before going out to pick the oranges

I was fascinated

Where did 32 years go?

I imagined the stroke as a power surge

that fried the contents of the mental file cabinets

Gone. Poof.

Every detail. Every experience. Just gone.

Fascinating.

When I came home from the hospital I could see my son

And while I think I knew who he was I couldn't remember his name

I kept calling him by my nephew's name

A few months later while at the Doc's office I had to sign some papers

When something seemed off

I pulled out my driver's license and realized I was using the wrong name

I was using my first marriage name

Try explaining to the office staff that 'yep I'm fine even if I don't know my name'

As time goes by I am recognizing that I have regressed 26 years

Just in small ways...nothing at all like my Dad

I realize now my brain thought my son was my nephew

my nephew was 18 when I was 23

I was newly married at 23

I'm remembering details from that marriage

Things like 'oh today's my anniversary' then telling myself 'no it's not!'

Funny stuff we did or dreams we had for the future

And with it the painfulness of divorce

It's all fresh again

Those things I can deal with

But as I've mentioned before

The self esteem issues from that age came back too

And not something I want to deal with again

All the zen growth went Poof. Disappeared.

Where the hell did it go?

Is it in there somewhere rattling around?

And how? It doesn't have physical form. It is a memory. Knowledge.

Purely fascinating.

I suppose when the Docs opened my skull it was like a power failure

and some brain cells became fragmented and misfiled

Oooh just like a computer!

Too bad you can't run a brain defragmentation

~ ~ ~

As for the hubby and son

they have been patient

When I overdo things I go back to slurring or forgetting

And when they forget I do what my Mama told me to do

I point at my head and say 'sorry' and shrug my shoulders

It's all just so fascinating to me

(but there are times when not remembering is creepy)