My Quest: April 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Lost Soul?

The problem with self-discovery is that eventually you uncover something
you don't want to see
Something I'd rather bury like a cat in a litter box
But if hard times contain valuable experiences, those 'golden nugget' moments
Then what do the ugly moments hold?

I'm physically tired but now my soul is weary
I put everything I had in making sure my Mama wouldn't give up
That I think my soul left; I feel empty

And in its place was left an unfamiliar ugliness
My Mama seems to be winning the battle against the infection
She is more alert and funny
There are still some problems but I feel those are minor fires to be put out
And I am thrilled and relieved to see that it is enough to inspire her to keep the fight

Instead of relishing in the thrill that she will soon be home
Ugliness made its presence know
It whispered that I will need to change diapers and make pureed foods
that make my stomach turn
It whispered that I will not sleep as I listen for breathing changes or a faint call
It whispered of cleaning rituals and medicines and doctor visits
It whispered that I will be responsible and there is no nurse call bell
And in a maniacal laugh it said I'll do this 24 hours a day for 7 days
And I felt myself pushed backwards into a dark dank well
Where the last sound I heard was the shackle clamped around my ankle

Praying that she continue improving all while shouting to the ugliness to shut up
I hang my head; I am ashamed
Saturday I left my brother and sis in charge to wait for the doc
Telling them I was finally going home to eat and enjoy the warmth
Fully intending to jump on the motorcycle; instead I lay on the couch
with a blanket on my head and slept with dreams of running away
When hubby came home from work in the evening he wanted to vent
Instead I replied, quit whining
When son called from his dad's house I told him to stay longer and quit whining
I just wanted to be left alone
And I was ashamed

The well seemed deeper
I could hardly make out the light way up high
And the ugliness whispered
That everyone else gets a break at work; they don't have the responsibility
They can drop by for a visit and it makes them feel they've contributed
But once they feel uncomfortable, they can drive away
And I started feeling bitter
And I am ashamed

And I desperately tried to find a foothold
Feeling around the well's walls all I find is sliminess
Every night I dream of jumping off a cliff and it feels wonderful
It feels freeing
And by day I walk around with a lump in my throat
I don't understand and I am ashamed

In a tiny glimmer of light that lit the walls within my well
I saw the voice
And discovered it was Ego all along
It had grown so large that I almost didn't notice Fear lurking behind it
They've taken up so much room at the bottom of the well I hardly fit
I don't know where my Soul went; perhaps I can't see it in this light

But awareness is always key
I know what's in the well with me now
And I'll be still for a moment as I try to figure my way out
I thought of not sharing the ugliness
But doing so shines more light on it
And perhaps will coax my Soul out of hiding
And uncover the most valuable lesson of all

Because ultimately this is for my Mama
and not about me at all
Because in most good movies Love triumphs over evil
And it's all I've got right now

~ ~
But in case you see my Soul wandering about
could you please send it home

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Spring...I didn't miss it afterall

One thing I remember from The Artist's Way
is the importance of 'filling the well'
The act of filling that inner reservoir by doing something enjoyable
Giving us something to draw inspiration from

What I wasn't aware of, or shall I say, didn't recognize
Is that this also applies to my life as a whole
Apparently the more you give; the more it depletes that which you draw from

I missed the little signs that acted like the Empty gas indicator light in my car
things like getting choked up over stuff I could normally handle
or parking on the wrong level or being so tired I just pass out
The slurring, forgetting things and not knowing what day it is
Getting sick or arriving at my destination and not remembering the journey

What I didn't expect was the uncle insinuating I was at fault
Nor the call from my sister in law that threw me into a spin
Who in not so many words told me that all my spiritual beliefs
The Reiki, the meditation, the things going on at the hospital
Were all the work of the devil
I should have recognized this for what is was
Instead I found myself questionning the validity of my beliefs
Almost agreeing to the Jehovah bible study she offered

As I drove to the hospital I noticed that everything was looking green
I suddenly noticed flowers and buds opening on trees
I love Spring; love watching the first little shoots
Awed by that seemingly weak seedling break through the ground's crust
Thrilled when they defy the spring frost or pouncing dog's paws
As if saying 'we broke through and you can't hold me back now'
So I was sad to see I had missed it

When the doctor told my Mama she has to get better because it's Spring
She responded 'not for me'
And for a split second I understood; it is Spring for me
Not outside that window but rather inside me
All that is happening has caused something reminiscent of Spring
A thawing; a budding; seedlings...spiritual spring

After my sister in law's call I sat dejected; I heard the scrape of the bottom of my well
Putting shame aside I sent an email to my spiritual friends (ohm family)
I didn't expect the barrage of responses that left me feeling
Like I was overflowing with love (yeah Love)
And within their responses I found the clues
I have reached a point where it's time to get clear on what my beliefs are
Without worrying that I need to define or justify them
Perhaps it's what that priest meant when he said 'you don't need proof...you know'
Because my truth is not anyone else's truth

So today I thank my sister in law for kicking me when I was most vulnerable
It's like the frost that feeds the seedling's thirst in the early morning
Her call prompted my reaching out to the ohm family
And the ohm's filled the well enough for me to see
I broke through and can't go back now

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Which side of the glass....

Deciding I wasn't germy I went to see my Mama at the hospital

She opened her eyes and asked where had I been

Before realizing it I apologized for not being there the previous night

And said I was feeling a bit sick

She's still the Mama....which means she worried

And spent the next three hours begging me to leave

One of her docs came in and checked on her

In response to one of my questions the doc said

'It depends on state of mind and nutrition'

Eventually I decided my staying there was keeping her awake

So when she told me to leave for the upteenth time...I agreed

As I started to leave she called out 'don't come back'

I laughed as I turned back and said she was being very rude

It felt odd to be out in the world so early in the day

To have nowhere to go or be

I decided to meet hubby for lunch since I couldn't remember when we last talked

And it was an odd feeling

As if I were looking at the world from within a glass terrarium

I could see but felt detached

I could hear bits of conversation and thought how insignificant

The things that people worry about; the little mundane things

Arriving home I paced; not sure what to do

It was like I forgot how to live outside the hospital

It's been a month that I've spent my days either at rehab or the hospital

And I feel lost

Trying to start a load of laundry seemed foreign; balancing the checkbook odd

I'm not even sure what my son is doing in school

When I awoke this morning it was with an overbearing feeling of dread

You know the one where you have a lump in your throat

And it feels like you're crying inside

And I can't explain why

Then it occurred to me

I see my Mama's state of mind

She has given up

And it's making all the difference

I thought of something Abraham-Hicks said

about people with illness staying ill because it's all they think about

And I remembered thinking it was a bunch of crap

If you're in pain, or it's your time, how can you change the outcome

How can you not focus on that which consumes you

I see the difference in how I talk

If my sister stays she may comment on how bad Mama looks

And I say she looks better than yesterday

If I hear there's a pain here, I say it's getting smaller

For every comment my Mama makes I find something hopeful to say

And I don't think she believes me

And maybe they're right

Maybe I'm just looking at things from a different perspective

From the other side of the glass

And I think I'm sinking into their way of thinking

I woke up thinking perhaps they're all right

But my gut says she can fight this

With the right state of mind

And perhaps that's what the doc meant

So I'm lifting my head again, swallowing the lump in my throat

and going back to the hospital

She can quit on someone else's shift

Like hell if she's gonna give up on mine

Hmmmm maybe she wasn't worried about me feeling sick

Maybe she's tired of me pushing her

But I do it gently

I mean, it's not like I have her jogging around the lot

State of mind

I almost lost my focus

Almost

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

OHM Family

I've thought of the series of previous posts

And hope they don't sound like a death watch

Instead they're like trail markers along the journey

That will one day remind me of the important lessons learned

Or serve to guide when I visit a similar path again

I thought back to a post earlier this year

when the word Love picked me as the word for the year

I remembered saying how the previous word Trust presented so many lessons

And nervously wondered what Love had up its sleeve

It's only a quarter into the year and already I've learned more than in my lifetime

Thank you for sticking by me as I cautiously step through the foggy path

Leading me with your prayers and words of wisdom

I did what everyone told me not to do

I ran myself down and became ill

So after my shift at the hospital I arrived home at 5:30 yesterday morning

And spent the next 24 hours really sick

And yet, through the headache and stomach woes I kept telling myself

That this times 100 is what my Mama is going through

And I told myself you have one day to snap out of it

I feel better today not 100% but enough to stand back up and walk the path

When I arrived at the hospital after my last post

I lifted the blanket to check on my Mama's cast

She looked like she was wearing a 'fat suit'

As she moaned that her body was so heavy and painful

I tried to make light by telling her that her butt now looked like mine

I told her that's what happens when you tease someone

She smirked

Before I awoke this morning I heard something

in that dreamy state that sounded something like:

"Ohm family - a group of individuals who gather to

provide guidance and support during difficult times.

Appearing at moments of great growth..."

As the dog jumped on me to say good morning

I still had those words in my head

Slowly coming awake I thought, why am I dreaming definitions

I repeated it to myself and realized how fitting to my current path

Ohm: The sound of life itself

Family: All the people descended from a common ancestor

So isn't it fitting

That my Mama's illness has uncovered an Ohm Family for me

Those whose calls and emails and prayers

Remind me that this family is not about flesh and blood lineage

It's about where we truly originate from

no matter what you want to call it

the Light, Heaven, Spirit

And Ohm, the prayers, the love, uniting us all

Thank you

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Magnified View

(view out hospital window - not sure what the white and grey shadows are

since there are no trees outside and the sky was a solid grey)

Please understand I mean no disrespect to my Mama

when I say that illness is intriguing

It has a way of stripping aside all the masks we wear

And leaving our true nature's exposed

And this is by no means an egotistical remark

When I say I have discovered that the mask I hide behind

Is one of 'not enough'

For so long I have worn the masks of

'too sensitive' 'too weak ' 'too inexperienced'

That they somehow fused to my true self until I believed them to be true

Illness has a way of making those masks fall away

And we're left standing looking at Truth

Those I looked up to as strong; those I wished to be like

Are suddenly left without their masks and I see Fear

Or I should say I see fear on their retreating figures

And I find myself a bit uncomfortable when I see the strength I truly AM

Illness magnifies the senses

I've seen Fear magnify in my brother and sister

But my sister hasn't let it keep her away

My brother hid; until I reached out and told him this is not the time

I made him take the night shift last night

I think it'll be good for him to confront his Fear of losing Mama

Illness has magnified my sixth sense

I think that's why I had the rare gift of being able to experience

what my Mama was experiencing

And I've noticed that since my little bout of anger the other day

There's a new relationship with the doctors

One of mutual respect

But yesterday

After being there for 24 hours with a two hour interrupted nap

My uncle and aunt arrived with a couple cousins

I had to stand and get the brunt of the tongue lashing

Accusing me of being at fault

For putting my Mama in rehab then taking her so far away

from family and friends

I tried to explain I didn't do either

They stated she is not leaving with me

And I took it

And wanted to cry

On the drive home I fought to stay awake

Wondering why their words hurt so much

And I realized it's because I was so tired

Then I laughed

Remembering that this is the group I spoke about

When I said I didn't want them to visit my home

Because they delighted in calling me fat

It's just their Fear talking

As their masks fell away

When I arrived Friday morning

my Mama looked horrible and my sister near tears

My Mama had asked that we summon her siblings

Said it was her time

I went to the hall and cried a bit and my final masks fell away

I came in and as gently as possible chastised my Mama

"You are giving up" I said "No amount of medicine will help if you give up"

Turns out a doc had said it was in her blood

I couldn't figure out how

So I consulted with the specialists who looking confused

said no way

I had them tell her in Spanish that it was not; and I saw hope in her eyes

I told them that having heard the other doc say it was in her blood

had made her quit

They told her to fight

Yesterday she looked a bit better

Some swelling has gone down; some pain has receded

You hear that words and thoughts have power

I have seen the truth in that statement

~ ~
I honestly don't know if she'll make it
She's 83 and weak
The infection has resisted one antibiotic
And they've introduced a new one which seems to be working
Time will tell I suppose

But This, right now,
This moment is true fertile ground.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Toilets on the Other Side

Ok, I fully intended on stopping my saga with the last post but well here I am again.

I arrived at the hospital only to find that my Mama looked worse

Her voice barely above a whisper she breathlessly tells me she couldn't breath last night

She starts to get choked up trying to tell me that she's trying to eat but it comes out

Then mid sentence she falls asleep

I choked up and started to cry a bit then chastised myself

Trying to hold back the tears I told myself to get a grip; act don't react

I called the nurse and lashed out

Yeah yeah I know

But I wanted answers

She calmly answers all my questions

I point out every swollen part on my Mama's body

I jot down medications and dosages

My Mama opens her eyes and tells me to apologize; I laugh...she's still the Mama

The GI doc comes in and I jump to confront him

We got off on the wrong foot the other day

when he came in and said we have two things here

1. Call the insurance and find out if I'm being paid

2. We're putting your mom on antibiotics

I couldn't believe it so for the last couple days

I've been arguing with the insurance company

So seeing as how my anger level was still up there I was waiting for him

He strolled in and asked my Mama how she felt

I started with "Let me tell you how she feels!"

"You'd better be giving her 100% and stop worrying about being paid"

"I'm dealing with the insurance now how are you fixing her"

I stood so close I could look into his nostrils and I pumped myself up to look taller (heehee)

I was livid

Her infection is resisting one of the meds so he referred her to another specialist

My Mama whispers to him that she's going home tomorrow and smiles

He tells her why wait till tomorrow you should go home now

and your daughter will take great care of you

as he smiles at me and pats my arm

Two more specialists came in; new drugs; new hope

Keeping my fingers crossed

A priest stopped by to see my Mama and after giving her a blessing I said

"So, I smelled roses the other day"

He asked "Did it bring comfort" I nodded

so he continued "then you don't need proof of anything"

He said a young woman downstairs spoke of seeing

an angel in her room all night and he told her the same thing

I told him 'yep, I have faith in what I've experienced here"

and then the toilet flushed in the bathroom

He finished talking then washed his hands and asked

"is someone in the bathroom because I keep hearing sounds coming from inside"

I said "Nope" and smiled

He laughed and as he nodded his head walked away saying

"you don't need proof"

I asked my Mama if she heard the flush and she said "yep, just like the other day"

The day we smelled the roses

The day I asked the cleaning lady if it was her; the toilet flushed

I tried the toilet and it's one of those push buttons; so perhaps it's a faulty valve

That decides to flush whenever we question the roses

I can't describe the feelings in that room

Something

Something only between my Mama and I

but I saw that the priest felt it

I won't deny I'm scared

My Mama had her eyes closed and said she was looking down at her feet

as if she were standing and could see she was wearing a black dress

She'd open her eyes and say but now I see I'm laying in a white bed

She'd close her eyes and say and now I'm standing in the black dress

My sister took the night shift to be with my Mama tonight

I wanted the night shift

I wanted to see if things are different with nightfall

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Exposed or Part 3

I feel like a limp noodle that lies dangling off the edge of the pot

Yeah, just like that

And being so tired I thought about not posting but realized I need to

Otherwise it swirls in my head until the words bind to each other

Creating make-believe horror stories

So as an update to the previous two posts (sorry this is becoming a saga)

My Mama has diverticulitis and C-Diff which she caught at the rehab center

Although she's being treated with antibiotics, she looks the same

She's mostly just laying there, occasionally opens her eyes, or says a few words

When they told us her diagnosis yesterday, they handed my sister and I gowns

Saying it was contagious

I laughed reminding them I've been taking care of her for the past 7 days

I was beyond gown protection

And I started thinking (yeah it never stops) about 'Exposure'

After my Reiki I attunement, I found the naked woman at the side of the road

Besides her evident physical exposure

The incident also exposed the humanity in those that helped

It also may have exposed us to Hep

I felt guilty when it came time to be attuned to Reiki II last Friday

My sister stayed with my Mama

But later I realized that by leaving my sis alone

It exposed her hidden strength; I was amazed and proud

I've also reconnected with the shyness I thought I outgrew

I'm really shy about doing Reiki on anyone

My dear teacher Linda sure knew what she was doing

when she gave me the homework assignment of finding 10 people in 6 weeks

to give free Reiki to; I can't even do one

I've tried it on my Mama and I feel completely exposed

I've been exposed to the love of family and friends
So many calls from around the country and places around the city
People I never knew she knew
All wanting to know how they can help
People who love her dearly

Being in the hospital with my Mama so often

has exposed me to the infection but most importantly

it has exposed me to the other side

Like undeveloped film

Somehow I have connected to her energy and have experienced what she has

I've already told you what happened during the last two posts

My eldest sister was there with me yesterday

And the energy in the room was different; still

And my Mama was quiet

Today I was there alone with her and she was sleeping

Then she said "carne molida" which means ground meat

I leaned over and asked if she was hungry

Eyes closed she said "no that's what I told Carlos you had on your head"

Ummm....what?

She said Carlos had asked her what was on top of the white bones sitting on my head

I laughed and said

"Ma, are you telling me I have ground meat for brains?"

She laughed as she opened her eyes and said

"You found a dead baby eagle and put it on your head. Your son was taking a picture

of you with the bird on your head and your nephew wanted to know what it was."

Then she told me to get out before she offended me more

or kicked me with the cast

She slept some more

And I watched as she slowly moved her head to the side

And said, "I'm watching Sparky behind my eyelids moving to the side

I'm following her to see what she's doing"

So I asked if she saw all of Sparky and what was she up to

My Mama said she has seen the black furry face often come up close to her

and move to the sides

I laughed

Because I've seen it too

I saw it during my Reiki II attunement

The black furry face that looks like Sparky's but also like a wolf's

It comes up so close that we could be nose to nose

And I saw it in my dreams last night

Exposed: not concealed; displayed for viewing; Susceptible to attack or criticism; vulnerable;
To subject to an action, influence, or condition;
To subject to the action of light;
To make visible.

And it finally occurs to me

There's nothing wrong with being exposed

My definition...

Exposed: To be blessed

Monday, April 11, 2011

Smell the Roses or Part 2

First I would like to say thank you for commenting and offering prayers to my Mama

It's been amazing

Secondly thanks for sticking around as I brain dump during this little setback

~ ~ ~

I suppose I should have called this Part 2...a continuation of the previous post

I spent the day at the hospital again

No prognosis and she continues the same

She looked so bad this morning that I figured I'd try to cheer her up

Called Pastoral Services to bring a rosary

And turned the tv on to the televised mass being held in the chapel

She was too weak to open her eyes so she listened instead

Sometime later I caught a whiff of roses

Those beautiful big ones in a garden or floral shop

Curious I started to walk towards the corridor

but the smell was faint as I neared the door

nothing in the corridor

coming back into the room I figured it was a fluke

until I stood near my Mama's bed

and noticed the smell was very strong in one spot

Now you know how nosy I am

I raised my nose to the ceiling and started sniffing around

just like Jazz and Sparky taught me

It was moving

I followed the smell from my Mama's bed to the chair where I had been

And then it was gone

I chalked it up to the cleaning people

Since I could hear their carts down the hall

A couple hours later as I reviewed paperwork it happened again

This time I stood close to the ceiling vent to see if it came from there

I did the same as before but of course nothing

The smell lingered at my Mama's bed again

Soon after the cleaning lady entered the room

As she cleaned the bathroom mirror I asked if the cleaning fluid was rose scented

"Oh no" she said, "we can't use floral scents in the hospital"

I thanked her and went back to my task

Several hours later the smell of roses returned

I ignored it

My Mama lost her sense of smell during a hospital stay a year or so ago

But strong smells make her throat tickle

With eyes closed she says

"The rose smell is back isn't it; I can feel it in my throat"

I laughed and said 'yep, it's hanging out on your left'

I watched as she tried to sleep

Making all types of faces

Her lips moving in silent speech

Smiling then frowning

I wished she'd tell me what she saw

I sat reading more medical paperwork when I heard her stir

She opened her eyes

Said she had just asked the little girl at the door who she belonged to

I told her perhaps she was lost

My Mama looked so tired so I turned on some soothing music

And she slept

Peacefully

When she awoke she looked rested

She actually sat up with her eyes open, had soup, and we talked a bit

She said the little white cap (from the previous post) was still on her shoulder

And her arm felt no pain

She said the music seems to keep 'them' away

And that is helping her rest

As I looked out the window through the solar screen

The clouds parted

Reminding me again that what I'm experiencing with my Mama

is a thinning of the veil to the other side

And it's quite beautiful

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Caught Between Panes of Glass

The weather is finally warm and sunny

The winds blew through the budding trees

And the roads busy with happy bikers

But I couldn't feel the sun's rays or the caress of the warm winds

On my side of the hospital window

Seeing the world through a literal pane of glass

The past few days my Mama's health declined

Took her to the emergency room Saturday morning

Stayed by her side as they ran tests trying to find the cause

Being nourished only by the i.v. fluids

Standing guard making sure they're careful with the broken leg

The torn rotator cuff

I wouldn't leave her side

I was awed by the conversations we were having

Her eyes are mostly closed but open for longer periods each day

But she's not asleep; she'll talk and joke occasionally

She hears everything going on in the room

As I sit there she'll say "huh, strangest thing, I just saw my brothers and your dad"

Then she'll laugh and say "They look better than when they died"

She'll say, "I just saw these beautiful blue sparkling lights

and a floating white 'cap' was placed on my shoulder" and her shoulder feels better

She'll open her eyes and we'll discuss what she saw

She'll say she heard me talking but wanted to see what happened

in the vision behind her eyelids

Then she'll ask "Is this what you see when you meditate?"

It was quiet for a while; I thought she was asleep

As I tiptoed across the room she said

in an oddly raspy serious tone

"In life we need to be aware of the path we travel

We need to pay attention to the things that trip us up"

"Explain" I said. Curious if she was asleep or awake.

She repeated the sentence.

I said "Yes, we do. Ma, I've learned that the rough patches are what forms us"

"It's like planting a young tree. If you protect it too much
it won't withstand the first strong storm"

"Yes", she said with her eyes closed "Like that"

She said "What's happening to me now, is one of those moments"

And you're tangled up in this because you're supposed to learn something"

I smiled

Glancing to the left out the hospital window at life outside

Glancing to the right at my Mama and the glimpse to the world on the other side
Antevasin
I'm in between

I'm seeing the world through a figurative pane of glass

~ ~ ~

I kiss her goodbye

she smiles and says she hasn't seen Carlos yet

My brother who died

I tell her it's not time

As she closes her eyes again I walk into the hall and turn back

"Hey, you can visit them but don't stay", I say

She gives me a smirk and a thumbs up

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Growing Pains

I brought my Mama home yesterday

She looked a bit weak and very thin

Insisted on wheeling herself to the door as I loaded flowers

She was stopped by the nurses who thought she was trying

to make a great escape

The amount of iron and pain pills they have her on has made her ill

So she has spent most of the day sleeping

I won't get into the specifics except to say that it blows my mind

This role reversal

I want to cuddle up to her and find comfort

But instead I try to make light of the fact that she needs me

For things that she would find humiliating

If it weren't that I'm acting like I do this all the time and finding humor in it

For her sake

As for me; I think I've been holding my breath all day

Wishing I could make her better

In the interim sending orders to the siblings via text on what we need

And thanking God that this is a temporary illness

and not something oh-so-bad

And yet I feel lost; not sure if what I'm doing is right or wrong

So much like I felt when I brought my son home 13 years ago

But all in all...I'm good

I'm calm...which surprises me

Tried to feed, then cleaning when it's unsuccessful, and waiting waiting waiting

Not sure for what

Just waiting

But throughout this setback today

The house is very quiet as I try to let her sleep

That is all except for the occasional knocking coming from somewhere near her room

I can't find the source; it sounds as if it's coming from the basement or closet door

Whatever it is

Best stay on that side of the door

Last night as I slept on the couch

to be near her room

I dreamt of two mating tigers

(no freudian interpretations hee hee)

They were surreal with an ethereal glow

And I was thrilled to know that soon

they would birth a strong tiger cub

Odd to say

That dream brought me a huge sense of peace and comfort

Figures

Only I would find serenity in sexual tigers

(bwah-ha-ha)

Is it odd to say I feel like things are changing

Like the atmosphere during a weather shift?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The People

My Mama loves people

She has always loved being in crowds

Still takes the bus downtown to 'see the people'

And walk in the zoo or botanical gardens

Hangs out at the Salvation Army and church activities

This is confusing to someone like me who avoids the people

Who feels like I'm overwhelmed by all the conflicting emotions

Like I'm a sponge sucking up all the different vibes

I asked her once why and she responded

"I love to study the people"

So you can imagine what living in the Rehab center has been like for her

She's thriving

We've teased her that that is why she is being released tomorrow

She's having too much fun

I joined her therapy class yesterday to learn how it's done

Instead I learned to see through her eyes

"See that woman there" she said "refuses to do anything they say"

I responded with "I can feel her...she's a very angry person...feels this is beneath her"

"See that woman there" she said "I think she's alone because pobrecita is always in the same clothes"

I responded with "Well maybe her family is too far to come take her laundry"

"See that man there"....

Every comment was said with compassion

all the while she'd interrupt herself to return a greeting

to some passing patient or cleaning woman or orderly

They all knew her name; she knew all their names

She hasn't been there that long

Has met them in bingo or the movies or in the halls

When she rolls herself to see the birdcage in the lobby

"You're in rehab" I say "Not on vacation"

~ ~

And yet

I can't deny the feeling

You know that feeling you get when you walk into a bookstore or library

Or walk into a fully stocked art store

It's the anticipation of knowledge, of discovery, of opening doors

I sound like a geek don't I

Instead of feeling overwhelmed by emotions in that therapy room

I felt the thrill of discovery

I studied each person

Their faces, their 'vibe'

I could 'see' who had given up and who had fight

I was intrigued by those who seemed to have reverted back to childhood

Using loud whimpering to get a therapist's attention

That would stop the minute they received it

Those who started an exercise counting "1,2,3..." and stop the minute the therapist turned their back

And begin the whimpering

And start back at "9,10" when the therapist returned

It was amusing

It was like being in a child's daycare center

There were those I fell in love with immediately

And those who seemed like older versions of the snakes in society

Funny, those were the whimperers

And as I quietly observed my Mama stated

"We're like kids again"

"We don't see color or status or possessions"

"That's why we all get along...we just want to heal and play"

As she told me about the planned Bingo game later

I drove home with a smirk

Reiki had taught me how to protect myself from being such a sponge

So that I could observe and learn

Is it bad that I'm seeing this whole situation as a learning opportunity?

I don't want it to sound like I don't care that my Mama fell

But I feel as if I learned some lessons recently that are now being put to the test

Like teaching your kid to drive in an empty parking lot

Then saying, "ok, let's try you out on the side street'

I'm on the side street

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Pushy Universe keeps lessons coming...

I've been a bit restless

Being confronted with my Mama's broken tibia and fibula

And a torn rotator cuff making it difficult to use a walker

Not so much because of the injuries but because of what they uncover

We were a tight family with clear cut dynamics

The eldest brother you went to for advice; the sage

The eldest sister you went to for help; the caregiver

Leaving me and my other sister to flutter around under the radar

Then my dad died and the dynamics were shot to hell

Over misunderstandings on how to handle my dad's assets

No will. It being handled as it is in Mexico. You tell the eldest.

He told the eldest daughter.

The family splintered and my Mama was heartbroken.

I'm the youngest and finally called a family meeting and spoke up

The dynamics changed; I wanted to keep fluttering under the radar

But instead was flung to the other end

It's something we don't speak about; what happened back then

But with my Mama sick, I'm noticing the same stirrings in the eldest sister

The resentment, the anger, still twitches under the surface

I have always dreaded becoming a caregiver to someone

I hated being left alone with my dad when he was ill

Dreaded the thought of being asked to care for my mother-in-law

but I didn't think twice when I offered to take my Mama home

Perhaps because I don't consider her to be ill; just a temporary disability

And the fears I have of somehow hurting her don't seem too bad

Even my fear of starving her is counteracted by the knowledge

that she'll be teaching me along the way

I haven't quite dealt with the dread of the visitors that will be coming

The group of cousins who thrive on telling me how fat I've become

With that little smirk and glint in their eye

As if I didn't already know it; and heard it from them before

I wonder if I have to let them in

Funny that just knowing what's coming has had me eating things I normally don't

Doughnuts and candy

(And I thought I wasn't an emotional eater, ha!)

While unconsciously fretting over this, I happened across an old post

And realized this is all part of the lesson of learning to love myself

It's ok that my role has changed within the family; it's ok to take charge

It's ok that I'll care for my Mama and it's ok that I don't know how to cook

It's ok that I've gained weight because I think this caring for someone

will teach me how to care for myself

I called a family meeting and told them we need to talk and plan

They've agreed (whew!)

All proving that I'm just being pushed past my comfort zone

And it's ok that I still want to keep the snakes out of my house

But I will no longer hold the resentment and anger at their words

“God allows us to experience the low points of life

in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way.

The way we learn those lessons is

not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”

Stanley Lindquist

That word that picked me for the year, LOVE, sure means business

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Is Law of Attraction true?

I know I said I was giving you a break from the questions

But I'm oh so darned curious about this

Since I've been spending more time around my family

I've been able to study them closely and see how very different we all are

Which leads me to the question

I was recently listening to an audio talk by Abraham Hicks in the car

They mentioned something about illnesses

How mindset can lead to diseases (sorry bad paraphrasing here)

And how we often stay sick because we're so focused on the illness

Now I'll admit I find this hard to believe

Because it sounds too easy

It's like saying "I can cure my MS by not focusing on it" although I suspect there's more to it

And how do you not focus on an illness if, besides the pain, you have to remember

every detail of your treatments, history, medicines, doctors, etc

And yet

I study my siblings

The healthiest one is the one who doesn't care what happens around her

She's happy, minimally stressed, ignores the doctors

The one with the most illnesses (and there are lots) is highly stressed

angry, content, a huge worrier and I love her to death

but she must have a medical library at home and direct access to every medical site

She has binders with all her medical history

Which is a blessing when it comes to going to the doctor

Because she's an active participant in her health

But

If law of attraction is accurate

Is this over focus why she can't get better

I did the same thing

Although in both our cases I know it has alot to do with the emotional state of mind

Like her, I also ran to the computer for every symptom

The fact that many times we have found things that we take to the doctor

only to find out we were accurate in our self-diagnosis

Well it doesn't make you feel too comfortable trusting them completely

So while she continues this habit in the hopes of finding cures

I gave it all up

I threw away all my medical stuff

I don't care about the history anymore

I don't search for symptoms because I've come to the conclusion

I probably have them all

And I'm going to die anyway...it's a given

But I'm still so curious

And oh so fascinated

Friday, April 1, 2011

Why is the sky blue?

I have come to the conclusion that I am reverting to childhood

Remember that time where kids ask all those questions

Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why do birds fly?

Why, Why, Why

And you come up with creative answers until one day you say

"I just don't know....let's look it up online"

Or perhaps I'm just plain NOSY

Whatever it is I don't want you to think I'm in gloomy spirits

On the contrary

I'm actually in a very good mood which seems to generate more Whys

Now I know why my friends called me Airhead when I was 16

They said I ask too many questions

~ ~ ~

So I looked up these quotes from Brainy Quote

to give you a break from all my questions

To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle,

requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science. Albert Einstein

Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable?

Quite easily, I should think.

All nonsense questions are unanswerable. C. S. Lewis

Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. Voltaire

You mustn't always believe what I say.

Questions tempt you to tell lies, particularly when there is no answer.

Pablo Picasso

Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it,

you will live along some distant day into your answers. Rainer Maria Rilke

There is frequently more to be learned from the unexpected questions of a child

than the discourses of men. John Locke

People create their own questions because they are afraid to look straight.

All you have to do is look straight and see the road,

and when you see it, don't sit looking at it - walk. Ayn Rand