My Quest: May 2011

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Looking for hole in sand....

I'm starting to rethink the wisdom behind letting a word pick me for the year

This word, Love, has brought some tough situations

that although I'll be the first to admit provided me with valuable wisdom

Is also beginning to get on my nerves

I took my Mama to visit her regular doc and he mentioned his bypass surgery

Said the situation was scary because he knew what to expect

Said sometimes it's better not knowing

And that's how I'm starting to feel

That although life was passing by in a haze of work stress I was also oblivious

It seems that once I opened myself to being creative and spiritual

That I've been confronted with some tough tasks....and I'm tired

I want to bury my head in the sand again and feel glorious oblivion

My Mama and I are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel

The cast comes off soon and although I'm holding my breath

that the infection won't return after her round of antibiotics...I still feel hopeful

Until I received the call from my son who is spending a few days with his dad

That he wants to move in with his dad

I spent 8 years trying to have that kid

And I refuse to spend another 8 years trying to send him back

I caught myself worrying and comparing

The boys in the family all had kids by the age of 17

Lost in gangs or other self destructive behavior

I caught myself feeling as if my son is doomed to repeat the same

His calling to say he wanted to move out

Stirred a bunch of emotions

that ran from betrayal, sadness, anger

wondering why we've become such enemies lately

to a strange relief that said if I agreed to this

then I wouldn't have to deal with the teen crap

Then I shook myself out of that downward spiral and said hell no

I'm the Mama and I'm in charge

I'm responsible to get you to adulthood in one piece if it (or I) kills you

Hee hee

But at 13 he's entering these moody teen years in fine form

And I'm not ready for it....

I wonder if it would make a difference if

I cover him in my hormone patches

hmmm....

Remember that whole 'it takes a tribe to raise a family'

sure wish I had a tribe

But in the interim, if you have any words of wisdom

markers to guide my path as I enter that doomed teen path

I'd greatly appreciate it

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Little Red Piggybank

I have a little red piggy bank that lives in my studio

Since I don't work anymore, I don't have a steady stream of change

So I gather whatever I find lying around to feed little piggy

I tried putting a quarter in and to my surprise it hardly fit

I may have felt lack as I fed it; thinking I had nothing much to give

And yet, there he is...full to the brim

And it makes me wonder

How desperate I felt about not having a paying job

Wanting to take a peek at the job postings but knowing I couldn't apply

Feeling insignificant because I no longer had a paycheck or title behind my name

And yet, I had enough to fill little piggy

I'm obviously well-fed, still pay the ridiculous gas prices, etc.

And I remember a moment before my Mama became ill

that I said "all I want is not to feel useless"

That makes me laugh now...because in a matter of two months

I don't feel useless at all

I may no longer have a paycheck with little dollar signs

and some professional looking logo in the corner

but it turns out that I'm being paid in a different manner

I'm amused to see this frail little woman who with a smile

issues orders like an experienced drill sergeant

I listened one morning as she called each of my siblings

Giving each of them the same grocery list

As she hung up I moaned that they would think I wasn't feeding her

She shushed me telling me that they were never too old to learn

That you never arrive empty handed when you visit someone who is ill

They arrived on separate days with bags of groceries and pre cooked meals

Even received a fruit basket from family in New Mexico

I'm in food heaven

And it reminds me how throughout my life she has always told me

never to worry about money because things have a way of working out

I figure she's a reliable source since she never had shoes growing up

But although I know how important money is, I am just realizing

that there's something much deeper and more valuable than dollar signs

Family, friends, spirituality...humanity

I have a new title behind my name

Nurse assistant, chauffeur, housekeeper, waitress, accountant, insurance bully

And that's just for my Mama

turns out I'm also a dreamer, an explorer, a wanderer

a sister, a daughter, a cousin, a friend

All so much more than would ever fit on a paper paycheck

And contributes to my overflowing piggy

I learned alot since I quit work a few years ago and started My Quest

Turns out I've learned a helluva lot more since the Mama's illness

I'm feeling pretty damned rich

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An amusing thing happened yesterday

Our air conditioner/heater system went out last week

The service man came, inspected, and with glum face said it needed parts

Rough estimate $600 plus labor

I gulped but knew we needed it

He returned with his boss yesterday to repair the unit

I told my Mama I hope it doesn't exceed $600 and she said not to worry

They worked for an hour and a half; I peeked on and off

I heard the unit go on and gave a little cheer

Hearing the approaching footsteps I braced myself for the final tally

He handed me a bill for $86

He says it turns out it was something else, he fixed it, cleaned it

We're set to go

My Mama smiled as she said "You see..."
But I was more amazed that he didn't pretend to install the parts
And charge us the full price anyway
Honesty

And it was like another coin in the piggy

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's been a long while since I've taken part in Weekword. I received a note from my good friend, John, that I might want to consider this week's word. Taking a peek at a cool new-to-me blog, The Gift Shed, I laughed when I saw her great word, Catharsis. Oh how fitting, no? Like the final touch on a gift.

Webster's defines Catharsis as "a release of emotional tension after an overwhelming experience that restores the spirit...a means of bringing forth repressed feelings and fears to consciousness."

In the past when faced with dips (or downright potholes) on my journey, I tended towards the 'why me?'. Sometimes adding head in hands or head on desk or with complete wide-eyed shock (I should have been a drama major). Faced with my Mama's illness was somehow the same...yet different. I know I've written of all the lessons learned along the way, the good and bad. But this time I was somehow detached in such a way that allowed me to see, really see. It was as if major fears surfaced where, in the sunlight, I could see that I was strong enough to conquer each or at the least learn to use it to my benefit. A sort of spiritual and emotional spring cleaning. Turns out I am stronger than I thought.

With one illness I learned the importance of human connection, the power of love and prayer, that there is a (very) thin veil to the other side, that when you fall all you have to do is get up (no matter how painful). My Mama is out of the hospital again...hopefully for good. But I'm learning that even if not, I need to take my cues from nature, go with the ebbs and flows instead of taking the hits like a breakwater. Because that is where I can learn a new type of selfishness that instead of asking 'why me' (and no matter how hard) asks 'what can I gain from this'. Because that is where the true reward is. It is looking from pain towards love; from darkness towards light; looking up instead of closing my eyes.

Quite cathartic, no?

She's home from the hospital
On the deck she caught sight of a small plane and a hawk
It was the pure delight in her eyes that caught my attention

Thanks John for bringing this word to my attention
Visit The Gift Shed for others' take on the word

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wings at Rest

Although the Mama is still in the hospital she looks good

Feisty, sarcastic and hilarious - her old self

In walks a tall gloomy looking cardiac doctor

The kind with frown lines but no smile lines

The kind with tired eyes who speaks in a monotone voice

And I wonder what inspires him towards happiness

Watching him I feel that tinge of respect; awe

As he lifts my Mama's blanket to check her legs his voice raises

A hint of 'something' as he asks who is the artistic one

My Mama points towards me as he says in a wistful voice

"Congratulations. You are so lucky. I have always wanted to be artistic"

As he gave me a quick look....of awe

I felt...confused

It's just markers and a doodle...nothing like what he does.

But that, paired with your amazing support

To my confession of a wimpy moment

Reminded me that this situation is temporary

I am just tired

From the hospital I stopped at Goodwill

Found treasures for future artwork

One monstrosity has started the wheels churning

And for $3.99 an artist portfolio filled with supplies

I woke up at 11:00 last night...sat next to the dogs on the floor

Watched the raccoon try to get to the hummingbird feeder

Going about his business in the moonlit yard

And it felt comforting, safe and I remembered

There is beauty in the darkness if you look

Not to give in to perceived boogiemen lurking in the shadows

Because a new light always follows darkness

And finally

that my wings weren't dramatically torn off...

I took them off for a rest

And perhaps sent them out for cleaning

Thanks again for all your supportive words
Y'all rock

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Lost Wings

Warning: Drama Alert

Did you ever watch those Saturday morning cartoons

Where, in an attempt to catch the roadrunner,

the coyote would paint a scene on a rock

that made it appear as if the road continued

And always resulted with the coyote flat as a pancake on that same rock?

I know how the coyote felt

Pobre, pobre coyote

We were trudging along nicely

when my Mama and I hit a physical and emotional wall

She the physical and I the emotional

I could hang my head in shame (which I did)

But in an effort to pick myself back up from the downslide

I've decided to make my fall public

Because boy did I do an emotional fall

As in backflip, tumbling over jagged rocks, through fire landing in broken heap

Well you get the picture (I'll skip the drama)

Trying to take care of my Mama as she started to become ill

I was also on the phone fighting with the insurance

After 30 calls (no exaggeration) and countless hangups

And a son who hit emotional teen-dom at the WRONG TIME...

I started crying

And couldn't stop (hee hee ok now I'm embarrassed again)

Luckily my sister came by

I met her in the driveway....crying

I hid in my studio...crying

I sat on the back porch...crying

I couldn't stop no matter how much I tried

Or who tried to console me

And what sucks most

I still don't know why I was crying!

LOL!

My Mama is back in the hospital; since the infection returned

The good news is she was already getting stronger

So has a better chance of being home in a few days

Thank God she's in good spirits

Meaning she isn't quitting; she's spit-fire mad

Because I don't have anything left to give

That would help lift her if her spirits were low

I feel like a vampire came in the night and sucked me dry

I sleep and dream of lions and bears and buffaloes in my yard

I'm exhausted

And I feel such a strong urge to paint

Even took Laura's advice about trying to put emotion to paper

But all my head thinks about is medical and teenage crap

I feel like one of those animals in my dreams
tore off my wings

And I forgot how to fly

Is it strange to say I think I forgot who I am?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Just Be

Sometimes you have to let go of the past

Turn away from the worries for the future

And just be

The most valuable lessons are discovered in present moment

The hardest place to be

For one moment today

Just be

Close your eyes

Listen to the sounds on the wind

Feel it on your skin

And just be

Monday, May 9, 2011

Better late than never?

Instead of profound thoughts

(hee hee ok profound in MY mind)

I figured I'd show you my latest creation

Well technically, it's 'tying up loose ends' type of creating

I found this table for $3 at a garage sale last summer

Filled holes, sanded, filled holes again

Painted it bright colors with the intention of adding large dots

For the sister who loves bright colors and dots

It was summer...her birthday was in December

easy peasy - right?

Yeah right...this is ME we're talking about

It went through five variations of colors

Hated each one and painted them over and over

December came and went

Until one late night I decided to add movie scenes

My sister LOVES tv...everything she quotes is from the movies

Then I started hating it again

And so it went...adding and subtracting

until I ended up with this right before my Mama fell in March

I started second guessing myself and planned to repaint the whole thing

Until my sister came over and loved it

Then I had to admit it was hers

I have a few things to tweak but it goes 'home' this weekend

It's been fun to watch the family's reactions when they come over

All huddled over the table saying 'remember this!'

A photo of the original movie, The Birds, starts a rendition of charades

Or someone shouting a quote

Within the black stripes on the table sides I have written movie quotes

Like "redrum", "yadda yadda", and all the others commonly heard around here

The red and white stripes reminiscent of the popcorn boxes my sis loves

And the dancing snack figures she has displayed in her home

Better late than never?

Well the way I see it

I'm early for the December 2011 birthday

Thursday, May 5, 2011

When I grow up....

At the age of 9 or 10, I was like a deer in the headlights

When the teacher asked what I wanted to be when I grew up

I was clueless...so I said I want to be a cashier

As some of the kids laughed I thought, I don't want to be a cashier

Where did that come from? Perhaps I was thinking of the money

I liked playing store so I could count out change

For some odd reason this question has been popping up in my mind

"What do you want to be when you grow up"

And I wondered if I ever did decide

There was a time when I used to love sitting my nephews down to play school

But I didn't want to be a teacher; I just loved the paper and pencils

I loved drawing cars and trains onto old boxes then giving each kid a ride

I loved taking my old string puppet and putting on a show for my Mama

Then I wanted to write kid mysteries; but quit after my fingers were stiff from writing

I wanted to be an astronaut, a cave explorer, discover kings in the pyramids

Then I found out I was claustrophobic

Then as a teen I wanted to join the Marines and become an FBI agent

But I quickly learned that cops can't do much to help

And the Marines, well as the last kid at home I knew I couldn't leave

my Mama home with my Dari

I never did decide; instead I fluttered on the wind

Ended up in a career I loved but didn't quite feel 'right'

This phase I'm in, this part of my journey, is interesting

Although I can feel that it's not where I'll stay, I know it's important

It feels as a preparation phase

Like old video games where you collect power pellets to be used later

And for a while now I've seen myself in my dreams

with indigo blue streaks in my hair

And it makes me laugh...thinking oh how silly

But night after night it comes along with the question

"What do you want to be when you grow up"

My original response is that I'm already grown up and on the descent

But deep inside is a little 'something' that squirms and twitches

Something is going on

Following last night's dream of my blue streaked hair

I saw that I was wearing a beautiful pair of indigo blue crystal earrings

And in that moment I thought "I got it!"

I'm thinking about this with my 'earth brain'; I'm thinking linear age progression

I'm still a kid at heart; this 'growing up' has more to do with my next goal

Because each thing I reach for results in growth

The indigo blue hair

I think is trying to tell me to lighten up, have fun, be as a kid again

Because in doing so, the world becomes a vast playground

The learning, the experiences, the curiosity

And if that's not it

Well then I guess I'll have to say cashier

Until I figure it out

Now to look into blue highlights....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Con Ganas

Although my Mama was very ill in the hospital

And I had to fight my own feelings of desperation

It was a such a huge learning opportunity for me

In one room over 20 days I learned so much more

Than I could have ever hoped for

Especially intriguing was the direct correlation

between my Mama's state of mind and her physical health

Perhaps because I watched her for so long

I became familiar with these otherwise subtle changes

It almost became a game for me to watch for these

Then, intrigued, I started experimenting

When she was most dejected, I had doctors 'scold' gently

As one doc told her, "You can't die now, you missed your chance last week'

She'd laugh and slowly she'd make an extra effort to reach for something

But when I'd return I'd find her back at rock bottom

Left alone with her thoughts, the negativity became rampant

And she'd say she was never leaving the hospital alive

One such morning I was ready for her

In response to the 'never leaving alive' comment

I held up a few photos;

her garden, her parasailing in Acapulco
and her on a camel in Egypt

I said 'this is You; You are not an infection;
You are not a quitter'

She cried saying she did some cool things

I felt horrible for making her sad then quickly added

that she could still 'do' cool things

And like she always tells me I added

"Hechele ganas; Andale con Animo"

Ganas is a state of mind; doing it with gusto

Animo is encouragement; do it with spirit

I posted them on a board across her bed

If she was sad I'd point at the board

Over time it was cool to see the changes in her state of mind

Defeat turn to hope then anger then determination

They almost didn't release her the last day

Because she had not walked (hopped) for 20 days

Hearing this she started swearing and saying she was getting out

if she had to scoot out on her butt

Grabbing the walker she proceeded to stand on one leg

And hop to the nearest chair

The therapist laughed and said "you can go home honey"

~ ~

And I do it all the time too

Convince myself I can't do something; talk myself out of it

Lately I've done the things that I didn't think I could

I've given shots, cleaned out commode buckets, cooked

Humorously I've noticed the similarities to being a new mom

Going out to the doc yesterday

Involved packing a 'diaper' bag with pull ups, snacks and meds

Packing a wheelchair which is just a big stroller

Nights sleeping on the floor with a baby monitor nearby

It's all so amusing

And enlightening

The stuff I used to worry about

Just doesn't seem important anymore

Because I know I have the power of my mind on my side

Sounds so 'new agey' doesn't it

But I've got experiment results to prove it
~
Now I just have to fight the urge
to return to visit other patients and experiment some more

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Return to Love

Was passing by the tv when I heard the start of a quote in a movie

Something about it caught my attention
So I had to look up the rest
~ ~ ~

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

from her book

A Return to Love:

Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

~ ~ ~

Is it me or does this wrap up my latest journey perfectly

Literally, a return to Love...

and not being afraid to step into who I am

It's amazing what presents itself when you say

"I'm open to my power"

~ ~ ~

The last quote in that movie was

"You know that feeling where everything feels right
where you don't have to worry about tomorrow or yesterday
where you feel safe
and know you're doing the best you can
there's a word for that feeling
and it's called, Love
L-O-V-E..."
(from the movie "Akeela and the Bee")
~
Sometimes you hear something
at just the right place and just the right time

Unexpected Package

First I want to thank you all immensely for the prayers and good vibes

My Mama has moved in with me until she is back on her feet

As we sat on the bed looking out into the garden

Her voice cracked a bit as she said once again

That there was a reason this all happened with me in the forefront

That there was a reason this 'package' was dumped in my lap

(Referring to herself as 'the package')

I laughed and agreed; adding that it was the best package I'd received

Equivalent to a box full of paints, pencils, paper, candy and pop

And all those other goodies that make my heart skip a beat

I reminded her of the huge lessons I've learned

Instead of reading or paying for a class

I learned first hand the power of self-talk, of family, friendship

I had a rare glimpse at the other side, renewed a fascination with clergy

Faced Fear and Ego and am still standing (a bit wobbly but standing)

And yep, dare I say it....I experienced Love

The family has bonded firmly once again

Are coming on weekends to give me a helping hand

And although today marks the 39ish anniversary of my brother's death

I know it was only in the physical sense

Since I've always felt him nearby

~ ~ ~

Thanks again Ohm family...y'all rock