When I 'retired' a few years ago to leave the city and move to the country

I wondered what I would do with myself

I won't lie that it saddens me that I'm still wondering that same thing

I discovered spirituality and dabbled with drawing and painting

but the Passion is lacking and instead I feel as light and scattered

as a dry leaf in an Autumn wind

I stood there straddling two worlds

The old world of common sense, meetings, deadlines, hard facts

The new world of wonder, color, solitude, and endless questions

Greedily I wondered how to exist in both worlds
about a year ago

I came up with a plan to return to school to complete my degree

But instead of doing it the 'right way' I would pursue art just for the chance

at being around the creatives and learning basic techniques

I called several contacts asking if it mattered if my degree was in art

Unanimously the response was that with my experience

they didn't care what my degree was in

I could play now but still return to 'the real world' when I was done

I thought I had it all figured out

Until my brother asked my Mama 

'what's wrong with her-why does she want to waste money drawing monitos'

I stopped the silly dream
But secretly continued to pray for talent

for a chance to create something that speaks to others

that inspires hope 

or atleast gives them pause to see things in a different light

I've failed

So I'm taking a break from the prayer

putting away the silly notions

shutting the door to the studio for a while

setting the blog aside for a bit

and will try living like the rest of humanity
(the normals)

Gonna give it a try

A million people do it - it can't be that hard
I have nothing to lose

It may all result in my reaching into the closet and dusting off those suits
Or (gulp) becoming domesticated
Or having a great big art supply sale
Ok I don't have THAT many supplies! heehee
Besides who am I to inspire others
People don't need hope - it's already inside them

Webster's defines Procrastination as:

I define Procrastination as:

brain constipation

duck-n-dodge-itis 

can't-fail-if-I-don't-start-itis

where-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-put-all-the-crap-itis

but-it's-so-blank-itis

guilt-itis

(adding -itis always makes it sound clinical, thus something that solicits sympathy)

 and finally

~

The reality is

I'm stuck in the rut

Sure I spent lots of time with my Mama until she healed

Then went through a goofy brain dead spell

as I tried to remember what I was doing

And just as I started to remember, the kiddo came home

And we dove head first into football and running for physicals, equipment, practices

back-to-school preps, interviewing orthos for the dreaded braces

What the?

And suddenly I'm overwhelmed with guilt over not being at my Mama's

guilt over the rising resentment in a sibling

needing to spend time with the kid to avoid a repeat of the crazies a month ago

and it all has led up to a very confused me

or, since that's my norm, a feeling of having been spun

and let go

Remembering Pancho I announced I was going to the studio

and look what greeted me

Apparently I was trying to clean back in March when my Mama became ill

and the funny thing is I can't find any artwork

looks like I gave it all away

So I'm trying to clean it before practice 

because the kiddo goes to his dad for the weekend

and I'm hoping I can lock myself in for that time

~

Why are you reading this anyway! Enough Procrastinating!

I love LOVE Indiana Jones

One of my favorite scenes is in The Last Crusade

It is one of three trials he must pass on his way to the Holy Grail - the Leap of Faith

With a dying father behind him, he knows there's only one way forward

But he's frozen looking into the abyss of a gaping ravine in front of him

He has no choice but to move forward

~ ~

In our journeys we all reach a Leap of Faith moment

that moment where we know we can no longer go back

Where we face the unknown before us

Can sometimes catch a glimpse of where we want to go

But we're temporarily blinded by the seemingly impassable path to get there

I've been there ~ more often than I care to admit

I've also spent alot of time sitting on the ledge choosing to be oblivious

Sitting on the ledge pretending to move forward by perpetual research

plotting what I'll do 'when I get there'

measuring the distance, finding others who agree to sit with me,

dreaming, devising until it becomes so murky

I can no longer see where I wanted to go and tired of being where I am

I try to find the way back

Procrastination

Eventually I become bored sitting on that ledge

(let go)

And just take a step forward

funny how much ground you cover that way

~ ~

If you aren't familiar with the Indiana Jones scene

you can see it here

As Indy steps off the ledge in faith

a previously invisible bridge comes to light

And isn't it like that so many times? 

For all the preparation and inner turmoil

things seem to work out

~
So if you're sitting on the ledge

before it crumbles beneath you

Unless, Indy is on that ledge with you

then for the love of Pete stay there

~ ~ ~

My other loves, 

Lara Croft, John McClane (DieHard), Cap'n Jack (Pirates)

which reminds me

if you had a theme song what would it be?

that one song that would propel you to action

like Indy

I've had a great life

With the highs and lows all blending together like the secret ingredients

Of a specialized dish

And yet, there's always been the feeling that something is holding me back

Like I imagine those kids feel that wear the baby leashes

A feeling of, if I could only pull enough slack, I could reach further

Go, do, have...if only...

While my Mama was here I spent alot of time inside

I wandered and could feel that prickly sense of anticipation

Go, do, have...if only...

I assumed it was because I was caring for my Mama

~

Our washer died and off we went in search for a new one

Turns out there was a great deal on a washer and dryer

I wanted to know why

After hearing the explanation I said it was nothing other than their being red

They agreed

Funny thing is, the first time I saw these a year ago I thought WOW!

Now, here I was in a position to buy them and I wouldn't

Because they were red - Wild Cherry red

I thought to myself

 "damn - if only..."

 Then I stopped and feeling defiant I thought "why not?!"

Turning to face that which holds my leash in an attempt to pull more slack

Imagine my surprise when I find that nobody is holding my leash

 Turns out I hold my leash

I wrapped it around myself to hold in my wings

I wrapped it so tight I thought someone was holding the other end

And although I'm sure at some point there was an anchor on the other end

The end just lies there loose on the ground

Funny thing is that this realization loosened the grips just enough

for me to buy the Wild Cherry washer

~

This realization also brought some clarity

Caring for my Mama wasn't holding me back

Having a baby 13 years ago wasn't holding me back

Getting married twice wasn't holding me back

Nothing, nobody but me

I used procrastination and fear and plain avoidance

To pad the loops that bound me to my leash

Did you know it's hard to fail 

if you have something to blame for holding you back?

In an act of defiance towards self

I painted the white laundry room walls

my retinas were dilated for a week afterwards

 It's been a couple weeks since

And each time I fall into the familiar rut of if only...

I play domestic goddess and do a load of laundry

something about being in that room loosens the grips a bit more

Probably the defiance

A peek at the real me that lies beneath the self-imposed binds

Got that?

S-E-L-F   I-M-P-O-S-E-D

~

I had a teacher in college once who said I was talented

But that I was my worst critic and would hold myself back

~

I'm far from being a domesticated goddess

don't cook - clean because I have to

so I find it rather amusing that the Universe used a washer to deliver this message

Wild Cherry (washer) and Flaming Torch (paint)

rather fitting names for my new road signs, no?

I grew up with dogs, cats, fish, a turtle and birds

But my most favorite was the Amazon parrot

Pancho was part of the family

He lived in a large cage in the kitchen

He thought he was human

He ate chicken, tacos, chile, 7up

Held a spoon to eat jello

Before you think this was animal cruelty

He wouldn't eat anything other than these things

He lived a long content life

His favorite song, Happy Birthday

Favorite holiday, Thanksgiving

He was part of the daily activity that centered around the kitchen table

He often wandered the house

But always returned to the safety and comfort of his home

When it was time to sleep he perched in the middle of his cage

Fluffed up his feathers, lifted a leg, and closed his eyes

(probably dreaming of food)

But one day there was a loud commotion

Pancho was screeching and the cage was rattling!

As I ran I imagined the worst

One of the sewer rats came in from outside? Cat? Dog? Death?

As I peeked inside the cage asking if he was okay

I found Pancho hanging from his perch upside down

He must have been following chicken tacos in his dreams

And somehow....fell forward

And was just hanging there...upside down

Wings outstretched; talons clawing into the perch

Screeching (boy was he screeching)

And all the while his huge eye was scanning the ground

As I took this all in I couldn't help but laugh

(And laugh and laugh)

From his vantage point perhaps he thought he was high in a tree in the Amazon jungle

And he had a death grip on that perch

Perhaps imagining the horrors if he let go

Perhaps breaking his neck on the way down

Perhaps being eaten by the predators on the jungle floor

But from my vantage point

He was hanging upside down horrified

With his head just one inch from the bottom

I knelt beside the cage and spoke to him

"Pancho, let go"

The screeching died down a bit as I put my hand on the side of the cage

For a moment he looked towards my hand 

"Let go" I said

And he started walking very slowly along his perch towards my hand

upside down

Occasional looks towards the unknown horrors lying below

(which just made me laugh more)

Pancho eventually reached the side of the cage
Cautiously reaching out a wary talon to the side wall

Until he righted himself on his perch

He stood there for a moment - feathers all ruffled - eye stuck in 'huge'

I stroked his head a bit and told him

"I told you all you had to do was let go"

~ ~ ~ ~

Supposing this is what the Universe, Great Spirit, God (whatever name you give it)

sees in me

Sees that I am still in a place that provides safety and comfort

Sees that nothing has changed other than my view point

The imagined horrors are nothing but imagined

Perhaps He is laughing and saying

"Just let go"

(as He roars with laughter)

~ ~ ~
So just for today try letting go of that which you fear
The worries, the anger, the perfection
What have you got to lose?

Seems I'm staying away longer and longer 

My head is still not in the game so it's been a bit difficult

to piece two words together to form coherent sentences

Still doing really stupid things

Brainless really

Like when I was tearing down the wheelchair ramp

I forgot how to change out the drill bit on the electric drill

I was too embarrassed to call the hubs so I went to You Tube

But there's something satisfying about demolition; so it was worth the search

Then in the middle of helping hubby pull apart the door panel to my car to repair a window

I set my camera on the car

Considering I haven't seen it since

And that there was a strange thump and flash of something passing my rear view mirror

I'd say it's along the road somewhere

Pissed doesn't come near describing how I felt

But it was kinda fun walking with hubby along the road

Each shouting 'pop can!' 'beer can!' at our latest finds

Alas, no camera

Hubby was planning to buy me a new one for my bday 

and says he'll buy it now

I said I'm punished and don't deserve one for 1.5 yrs

That'll teach me for being stupid

My Mama had me try on a belt she made

It had a little loop to hold the ends together

That somehow disappeared from the moment of her handing me the belt

We looked everywhere; no loop

She kept saying it was impossible; I kept telling her

thank GOD this happened in front of you because I thought I was going nuts

I keep misplacing things

But the one that makes me cringe is....

I sorta typed out a list of intentions

that when I read it makes me cringe in embarrassment

but I thought ok Universe I'm going to make this happen

I set my crystals and other stones to bathe under the full moon

And in a last ditch attempt at being brave

rolled up my intention list and set it under the stones

In the morning I brought my stones in

And the list was gone

Now I cringe at the thought that my list is rolling around the neighbor's yard

And that he/they will read it and.....

I hope either the dog ate it or it's in some bird's nest
(waiting to be spread around the town)
double ugghhhh

Good news is

I have a doc appointment Tuesday

I wonder if he has a pill that takes away 'moronitis'
 ~ ~ ~
But besides all the goofiness and feelings of 'upside-down-ness'
I'm still oh-so-grateful for everything
Makes no sense right?

 So y'all stood patiently by my side

as I dealt with my Mama's illness

(something I'll be eternally grateful for)

I risk sounding conceited here when I say

I was pretty proud at how I handled things

Well let me tell you 

I finally figured out that I was running on pure adrenalin

And when I took my Mama home

I crashed

It was like someone pushed me out of a plane without a chute

For the last week or two I've been asking hubby

what month, day, time it is

I have manifested body aches, sore throats

I refused to leave the house so missed several family parties

except for taking my Mama to the doc, I didn't want to see people

After all that's happened these past months

I lay there in a crumpled heap

feeling like life chewed me up and spit me out

like the walls were caving in and 

started to fall into the seductive routine

of a victimized way of thinking

But today

on a magical 7-11-11 day

(you know how special 1111 is to me)

It occurred to me with a chuckle

and a slap upside the head

"Idiot! You forgot what you've been saying!

Flip the switch - Look at it the other way around! "

And I finally realized that all that's happened these past months

Isn't making the walls fall upon me - threatening to bury me

The walls are falling away

I am moving on to another phase of life

a rebirth of sorts

There's no denying I experienced some pretty powerful stuff in that hospital

And there's no way I can move forward like if nothing happened

For now I just have to wait for the transition to settle down

And see what the new terrain holds for me

~ ~ ~
And if I'm misunderstanding this...who cares?
what's the worst that can happen?
I'll be stuck in an endless loop
like in an hourglass, or a dryer, or a popcorn maker, a cement mixer
(ok I'll stop)
Falling, hitting bottom, falling, hitting bottom

But atleast I'm moving
And I'm not a self-created victim
because I choose to feel 'on the flip side'

I'm curious...

Is the lack of passion and determination

like a condemned building

at risk of falling apart?

 

My Mama went home last week

The doctor asked why she would return to an empty home if I could care for her full time

My Mama responded "because she does everything for me and I'm becoming weak"

And she's right

In life, unless challenged, we run the risk of becoming 'mush'

There's no reason to grow or become stronger

We don't know what we're capable of

~

She left my house barely able to walk up two garage steps

We stood at the bottom of 17 stairs in front of her home 

and she climbed them without a problem

Her ankle is crooked, she has a torn rotator cuff, the c-diff is clearing

and to see her you wouldn't know it

112 lbs of determination

~

With a heavy heart I left her at her home

but it was totally worth seeing the reunion

between Mama and my furry sis (the dog)

And since my son is still with his dad

I figured this new found freedom would be glorious

Instead it's as if now that the adrenalin is gone

I've been plowed over by a train

I've only managed to take my Mama to doctor visits

and do 'post infection' cleanup at home

My brain feels disoriented

Hubby looks at me with eyebrow raised everytime I ask

What month is this? What day? What date? 

~

 Angrily, I lay with arm dangling off the couch yesterday

Staring at, but not watching, the tv

Thinking but not thinking

Can a brain be tired? Is that even possible?

Perhaps like a computer

the brain needs to be defragmented

Wondering if this is what my brain looks like right now

~

I'll bounce back

I always do

But for now, I go back to the elevator music playing in my brain