My Quest: 2014

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Best Year Ever

As we sat around the table on Christmas Eve

loudly playing round after round of La Loteria (Mexican bingo)

It occurred to me that 12 months ago I was still trying to function

That thought reminded me of my greatest discovery

In May I was still driving less than 20 miles, was still slurring,

had to remind myself how to count

was writing detailed notes for myself to help me function...

As I struggled trying to figure out how to function in a new world

I started feeling that I could no longer offer anything to the world

In a desperate attempt to reconnect to a world without doctors and exams

I contacted the Habitat for Humanity

Told them I was limited physically and mentally

but had a mouth that wouldn't shut up

And that's how I got the assignment to call contractors for building supplies

During the week I'd call contractors and every Saturday

I was on the job site signing in volunteers

The more I did the faster my brain healed

Then my guys started joining in

My husband, son, step sons and I installed the electrical service

I LOVED IT!

Then last week the home was completed and dedicated

The little family of four had a home for Christmas

I was assigned to mentor this family for the next year

Which meant I accompanied them to the closing

As they signed the mortgage papers, tears of joy streamed down her face

And my heart swelled with pride for all those volunteers and donors

(and my amazing guys)

who made this family's dream come true

Best year ever

Friday, December 5, 2014

El Camino de Elena

Thought I'd come back to post before y'all think I died

So that little incident I had in the prior post was just

Firing Synapses

It's like living alone in a dark quiet cave on the top of a mountain

and walking out one night into the mega-daddy of all firework celebrations

with the world's population singing and dancing

to all the different types of music playing all at once

My brain was like a kid on a sugar high

And since then it's been functioning as close to normal as it could

(unless it's tired-then it's just plain amusing)

~ ~ ~

Some time ago I spoke about my desire to do a pilgrimage in Spain

specifically to walk El Camino de Santiago

For no other reason than to try to find what others have found

To walk in lost and confused and come out strong and confident

To feel kinship with others who take the journey

a camaraderie amongst those who don't speak the same verbal language

but follow a similar yearning in their soul

To face the journey's hardships that test one's physical and mental state

Culminating at the Santiago de Compostela Cathedral

Where one bows in gratitude for the blessings along the way

before returning home to resume a normal life

So when my friend recently pointed me towards a book about El Camino

I didn't feel the same desire

It occurred to me that this past year and a half has been my pilgrimage

(I'll even name it - El Camino de Elena)

I walked in unprepared - armed only with full blown trust

It's been a rough journey but one that has proven my strength and resolve

One that showed me what truly matters and what's just plain fluff

One that introduced me to others along the way making the same journey

One that threatened to tear apart what I've known

only to weave it tighter than before

The only difference is that there is no end of the road Cathedral

I bow in gratitude as I look to the sky wherever I stand

I don't return home to resume a normal life

because life cannot be normal once touched by the pilgrimage

My eyes see with a deeper understanding

My soul, heart, mind...my physical and mental aspects have intertwined

I am not the same person I was

And it's all good

~ ~ ~

One of the most iconic symbols of El Camino de Santiago

is the scallop shell (the Pilgrim's Shell)

Shortly before my aneurysm was discovered I was given my

own Pilgrim's Shell at the start of my pilgrimage

(I wrote about it before but I'll share again)

As my son and I walked along the ocean front

I bent over as the waves receded and stuck my fingers deep into the wet sand

and retrieved this

I walked another 8'-10' feeling the waves crash around my ankles

stuck my fingers deep into the sand again and retrieved this

I stopped when I realized that the shapes were similar

that they fit

I smirked and thought 'whoa! angels...you're good'

My Pilgrim's Shell

Love cradled within Wings

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Fizzled Brain

Have you ever sat in your car at a stop light

and it suddenly starts idling high and you think

Uh Oh

You look around slightly confused

turn off the radio

poke at random buttons and knobs

and cautiously glance through the window

for any tell tale wisps of smoke coming from the hood

(and one hand on the door ready to run and hide in the bushes)

That kind of happened to me the other day

Except it wasn't my car

It was my brain

A little side effect from my surgical adventure

I have to be careful with too much stimulation

Too much talking, noise, music, visual, thoughts

And that day I was playing music, singing, sorting and

thinking

I didn't even know I was thinking until there were way too many thoughts

And then I started pacing

I was idling high and expecting wisps of smoke

So I ran

Into the nearest windowless bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub in the dark

Apparently that's all I needed

To remove myself from all the stimulation

My brain shut up quickly as it curiously wondered

'Hey! What happened?!'

While it was scary for a moment

I find it quite amusing now

I've become a wimp!

I was like a kid on way too much sugar

LOL!

That's ok, it's all a part of a healing brain

I just have to remember to take it slow

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Defragmentation Required

We were at my step son's house when I met the neighbor's parents

My husband told me I knew the neighbor

I kept saying no and he kept insisting

When he recognized the start of panic on my face he backed off

He explained to the parents that I lost some short term memory

and the worst thing to do is insist I know something when I can't remember

~ ~ ~

When my Dad had a stroke he regressed 32 years

He didn't recognize me and I had to be careful not to use my name

In his mind I was supposed to be 4...not 36

He would look around the rooms and ask me when he was going home

I would tell him he was home and he'd become animated

explaining in detail what the home back on 18th street was like

Some days he would ask me if the orchard was covered in dew

and would he need his jacket before going out to pick the oranges

I was fascinated

Where did 32 years go?

I imagined the stroke as a power surge

that fried the contents of the mental file cabinets

Gone. Poof.

Every detail. Every experience. Just gone.

Fascinating.

When I came home from the hospital I could see my son

And while I think I knew who he was I couldn't remember his name

I kept calling him by my nephew's name

A few months later while at the Doc's office I had to sign some papers

When something seemed off

I pulled out my driver's license and realized I was using the wrong name

I was using my first marriage name

Try explaining to the office staff that 'yep I'm fine even if I don't know my name'

As time goes by I am recognizing that I have regressed 26 years

Just in small ways...nothing at all like my Dad

I realize now my brain thought my son was my nephew

my nephew was 18 when I was 23

I was newly married at 23

I'm remembering details from that marriage

Things like 'oh today's my anniversary' then telling myself 'no it's not!'

Funny stuff we did or dreams we had for the future

And with it the painfulness of divorce

It's all fresh again

Those things I can deal with

But as I've mentioned before

The self esteem issues from that age came back too

And not something I want to deal with again

All the zen growth went Poof. Disappeared.

Where the hell did it go?

Is it in there somewhere rattling around?

And how? It doesn't have physical form. It is a memory. Knowledge.

Purely fascinating.

I suppose when the Docs opened my skull it was like a power failure

and some brain cells became fragmented and misfiled

Oooh just like a computer!

Too bad you can't run a brain defragmentation

~ ~ ~

As for the hubby and son

they have been patient

When I overdo things I go back to slurring or forgetting

And when they forget I do what my Mama told me to do

I point at my head and say 'sorry' and shrug my shoulders

It's all just so fascinating to me

(but there are times when not remembering is creepy)

Monday, October 6, 2014

Purple stones with yellow spots

Before surgery I kept searching and searching

I'd wander amongst the self help books at the bookstore

Collecting the ones that just might have the answer

because 1 MILLION SOLD attests to it actually having the answer

Those books, while good reads, didn't have answers

But instead, like the townsman, points the way for a lost traveler

With my nose in books gathering bits and pieces along the way

I collected things and people I thought could help

I kept searching

I collected art supplies, people, vision boards, the stone with the most mojo

I figured if the book suggested this or that

and the testimonials proclaimed "I have found my way because of this book!"...

Well, hell, I'll go out and buy the purple stone with the yellow spot

in the upper right hand corner that resembles Scooby Doo

and balance it on my nose while singing "Where oh Where has my Little Dog Gone"

under the light of the third full moon of the season

except

I was still searching

And getting annoyed

I announced to the Universe one day

'I've had enough of this nonsense...you'll have to make it crystal clear'

Wham! Aneurysm.

LOL

(Note...don't mess with the Universe)

The thing is, it worked

I'm not searching anymore

When I let go all the pieces fell into place

I get it...well in a weird convoluted way

I understand now why the books won't tell you

They can't...we each have our own special gift

And we each need to find it on our own

The books, people, the purple rock with yellow spot...

they can point the way but it's up to you to uncover it

Because only you will understand the language it speaks to your soul

Perhaps the best self help book would only contain a mirror

between its covers

~ ~ ~

Here's me and kiddo working at the Habitat for Humanity Friday

The hubby was training us to be electricians

I had an amazing time

Thursday, October 2, 2014

The Cowboy Is Dead

There's something I'm really embarrassed about

So to squash its hold on me I'm going to yap about it

I'm having self esteem issues

Yep only I can go through brain surgery and come out with this

I am full of gratitude that I am functioning pretty well

Even though I am limited on what I can do now I still am far ahead of others

So what do I do?

I'm having trouble with my appearance

How insignificant and pitiful is that?

I just don't get it

(so angry at you Elena)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Some electrical equipment blew up at the hubby's job the other day

In the midst of chaos you always get to see someone's true colors

Later when we discussed this at home he looked disgusted

He said he was losing faith in humanity

This new breed of society

Where people hide behind their electronic devices

Where people are ready to point fingers rather than lend a hand

Where people would rather embrace anger, hatred, laziness, self pity, excuses...

Where the men are letting the women go to work for them while they stay at home

And after he (loudly) vented for 20 minutes he stopped mid sentence and said

'why aren't men MEN anymore'

So I quietly asked

'ummmm...who are they then'

Following some colorful language which I refuse to repeat he summed it up with this

"John Wayne wouldn't act like that"

John Wayne

The epitome of a man's man

The man who wouldn't let anything keep him down

The man who could be dragging himself in the dirt with two broken legs and an arm

and still stop to save a puppy and baby on the side of the road

John Wayne would never whine

All I could say was

"the cowboy is dead"

I understand him though

Society has changed

But instead of focusing on the things that we don't like

I suggested we narrow our sights and focus on the small things that matter

Because under all that crap there are still some pretty wonderful things

Deep down hidden in the background lies the soul

They don't hang out in mainstream society

There is where you'll find hope, beauty, sincerity...

But while walking amongst the mainstream...you'll learn to wear the armor

~ ~ ~ ~

So I looked at myself in the mirror again and squinted the eye that still squints

I told myself that John Wayne wouldn't care what he looked like

Flat hair, bugs in teeth, layers of dust, and probably smelling like melted leather

He'd get himself back on the horse and keep riding

Not all cowboys are dead

Friday, September 26, 2014

Re-Birth Day

Today is my Re-Birth Day

One year ago today my life was extended by a great team of Neurosurgeons

I can't believe it's been a year

My head thinks it's July...so the shorter days and changing trees are unexpected

And because of that are even prettier than I remember

I also can't believe I'm still healing

I've been awed by how far I've come

The body's ability to heal is truly amazing

I have a new respect for how intricate this vessel I'm in is

Every part working together to create a whole

There are days I can't see or hear very well from my left side

There are days if I try to drive too far or do too much

that I spend the evening in pain

Miraculously I'm alive

I can walk, talk (too much), drive short distances

I can feed, dress, bathe myself

I measure time day by day

I no longer feel a longing for close friendships

Because I've discovered that I always had them in my sisters

The Habitat for Humanity gives me a sense of peace

And I'm awed by strangers' generosity

Everyday I look in the mirror and don't quite recognize that new person

There are days I fight hard not to look away in disgust

And those days I force myself to look deeper

To look at the bumps and dents on my face and head and that odd hairdo

And recognize that this is my armour

I just came out of battle and I'm stronger because of it

In the oddest of ways the aneurysm was a blessing

Not one I want again - lol!

But one I know I needed

Friday, September 5, 2014

Bribery

I've been really content lately

I found my purpose and with it a surreal sense of existence

A sense of not wanting to speak too loudly lest the

formerly elusive purpose bolts and hides in the weeds again

But

I am still a Mom

I am still supposed to be responsible

I am still supposed to roar deeply and bare my teeth at the enemy

well maybe not roar and bare but atleast use my head to help him

Except

my head won't cooperate

I try to beg it to please think of how to help this sick child

my head smirks

I try to charm it into cooperating

my head laughs

I try to sneak around it and start making calls

and my head retaliates by shutting down the brain cells

I get frustrated so I 'throw off the gloves' and tell my head

BRING IT ON

So when I'm sitting there with a squinty eye and slurring

I realize I'm going about it all wrong

I feel the warning bells telling me something is off with his meds

But the connection between head and warning bells is off and I'm clueless

So I throw it all aside

I go back to basics

Chicken soup, rest, prayer

I find a new Doc who I'll interview next week

I tell my brain to please cooperate or no more enjoying the purpose

Bribery

Still going about it all wrong

but it's all I've got right now

Thursday, August 28, 2014

My Birthday

Today is my Birthday

The measurement of passing time

(not unlike passing gas-ha!)

But this one is special

Because I've been practicing all week

to remember how old I am

47, 47, 47, 47 so I can stop saying 45-48

Because it's the first since getting a life extension

And officially the first of two birthdays now

I'll be celebrating 9/26 as life do-over day

My family asked what I wanted

And there's nothing I want or need

I have everything worth anything

Life. Family. Spirituality.

I've discovered an odd peacefulness that peeks in

between bouts of fear or frustration

I've discovered some amazing, authentic, people

I've discovered that I have the ability to stand tall

and in doing so I've seen glimmers of my purpose

The aneurysm was a blessing

Now I just need some birthday cake

and things will be just perfect

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

These thoughts were prompted by news of Robin Williams’ death by suspected suicide yesterday. I normally don’t follow what goes on with the Hollywood group but this one saddened me. Someone who by all accounts brought so much into the world, who made an impact, but whose personal demons perhaps convinced him otherwise.

I’ve read amongst the aneurysm group some who consider suicide as an alternative. I’ve had moments that the thought crossed my mind. Unbidden it just pops in somewhere between a thought of ‘Where did I leave my toothbrush’ and ‘oh hell, the milk doesn’t go in the pantry’. It sneaks in quietly with a little comment that says ‘What’s it all for? Why suffer? Why risk the future? You wouldn’t be missed. You’d be doing them a favor since you’re just a burden’. It beckons so quietly that you almost miss it. Like unconsciously humming a familiar tune in the background and not really paying attention to the details. Sometimes I do listen carefully. I even start to believe its words. Luckily I snap out of it with a quick retort of ‘Are you frickin kidding me?! As far as I’ve come?! I might not think I matter to anyone but I atleast know for sure I matter to the dogs (and they’re great dogs)!’

The thing is, now after Robin William’s suicide people are starting to come out of the woodwork remarking about the impact he had on their lives. Many touched by the characters he played in movies. Perhaps he convinced himself that all that did not matter. But his craft, his God-given talent, extended out and touched others. In that manner he made a difference to strangers. I won’t pretend to know the zillion other ways he made an impact. What I’m intrigued by is that we can convince ourselves that we don’t deserve to be here. But we don’t always know the impact we have. We don’t always see it. We don’t tell each other ‘hey do you know I really love you and you are important in my life’. We don’t know if that person we just smiled at was grateful to be seen and it warmed his heart. We don’t know if helping that woman cross the street actually saved her life from the car that was about to barrel her down. We don’t know how our words or our actions reached out and grab someone. We don’t always open our mouths and say it. Sometimes we’re not meant to know.

And yet, especially in the aneurysm group, there are so many reminders that God, that something greater, believes we deserve to be here. It may not be in the form we have envisioned but sometimes, in a weird way, it turns out to be better. This one is hard to grasp because how can pain & suffering be ‘better’. But perhaps like a devastating forest fire it cleanses the things that needed to be released in order for the new growth to begin. Life is hard. Living is proof enough we are warriors.

May all those who are currently being lured by that voice’s mesmerizing song remember that they do deserve to be here and do have a lot to offer. Even if it is for two amazingly awesome dogs :) (and yes, the family who loves me).

For the record, I think you all are amazing beings. Keep your head lifted, shoulders back and feel your awesomeness. There, deep beneath the pain and discomfort. Let your light shine.

“You will have bad times,

but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.”

~Robin Williams

I'm sharing my card again

because it holds magic for the reader
(I can dream)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

On my knees...

So far in my X number of years

(still can't remember how old I am w/out calculator-how convenient)

I have known some great men whom I admire greatly

I don't place them on a pedestal, but I do strive to have similar qualities

The truth is, I don't really like myself

I've struggled with this most of my life but

in the past several years I've learned to put up with self enough to get by

The problem is that now in Life P.A. (post aneurysm) I have lost those brain cells

I have regressed to the time when I couldn't quite look myself in the eye

At first I cringed (well I still do) but I've decided it could be worse

I could be blind, or forgotten who my family was, or have seizures

or have a million other afflictions my P.A. peers have

I've decided that I was meant to lose most of those brain cells for a reason

It was a rocky foundation

I shouldn't just put up with myself

I should love and respect myself as the miracle of spirit in physical form

There's a saying that you can't love someone unless you love yourself

I used to think that was a bunch of malarkey since I love my family

just not self

But I realized that when I don't love myself

I can easily project my self thoughts and feelings onto another person

If I think I'm a worthless idiot I'll assume someone else thinks so too

My actions and reactions will now be based on that premise

I never understood this until now

When I was weak I would look towards those great men

and tell myself 'Look, they wouldn't behave as such, toughen up girl!'

and I would quit the self pity or nonsense and move on

Over time I was able to see each of these great men

hit a point where they buckled and fell to their knees

over something that seemed insignificant to me

I would watch them and wonder

'why are these great men collapsing under something so trivial?'

Toughen up!

I understand now that we all have our own battlegrounds

we will go through happy times

and lots of bad times that shake us to our very core

There will be many times I just want to lie down and give up

But I have to toughen up, dig down deep, and keep getting up

If you can get through it, the bad times have a tendency to cleanse away

and in its place comes new growth and understanding

So although I still don't like self much
I no longer hate self

Through battle scars I am starting to see that I am strong

I've been knocked down many times but I still keep getting up

I'm not quite there but I'm atleast back on my knees

It's a start...

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

We're Stuck

Taking the dogs to the vet is so amusing

They leap excitedly out of the car, sniffing and running in circles

Until I open the office door...

those paws hit the brakes so fast that all three of us wedge in the frame

and I have to push them in with my legs as I try to close the door behind us

This is where I am right now

I was excitedly running around

(did I mention how much I LOVE the Habitat for Humanity!)

keeping busy...little by little pushing a bit further each time

until I did something stupid again and set myself back a week

but come mid July I felt my brain hit the brakes and become wedged

Turns out my brain is freaking out

Last July is when we discovered the aneurysm

I wasn't scared then...just a teeny bit here or there

But now I KNOW what it's like and how much worse it can be

And apparently there are brain cells in there that remember something

And they're horrified of going any further into August and September

because I don't remember August and September

those months have been erased from my memory bank

the concept of time is so weird...it feels like a few months ago

So I'm trying to shove my brain forward

because really...it can't stay wedged where it's at

Monday, July 14, 2014

Just Another Day

At the end of the year I print my blog posts into book format

My son and I flip through random posts once in a while

I figure when I'm gone he'll be able to delve into the scary ramblings

of my brain

heehee

So please excuse this long post but it's a little story I threw together

in March 2013 and I'd like to capture it here
(Oh, I should add, I follow no writing rules. I just 'brain dump'-so it's not fancy)

~ ~ ~

The filtered light at the bedroom window promised another grey day. Turning towards the soft snoring beside her she smirked at the black ball of fur curled up on the pillow. Stretching a leg she found another one at the foot of the bed. Mentally thanking God for the best sleep in days she lazily wondered what day it was. There were no sounds in the house and as her senses came alive she decided it must be Friday.

Feeling her stirring, one dog raised its head off the pillow to greet her with tail thumping and a loud yawn. The other one jumped off the bed landing into a perfect butt-raised stretch. She threw on her flannel pants and made her way downstairs to let them out. Peeking inside her son’s room she was surprised to find he had already left for school. “He could have said goodbye,” she said to the dogs, who were now barking at the squirrels on the deck.

She straightened up the house a bit as the dogs settled in for a morning nap. She turned on the computer and tried logging into the internet. She was greeted with a new user screen shot requesting a customer id number. Not feeling up to fighting with the internet company today she decided to follow up on her Mom’s medical referrals. Call after call looped in endless voicemail system prompts, she zeroed out of the system praying for a live person on the other end. When one finally answered, the call was filled with static and it was quickly apparent that the operator could not hear her and hung up. Wanting to scream at this point she took a deep breath and redialed. After a couple of hours, a recording confirmed that a referral had been approved…for March 2011. She stared at the phone in disbelief…and started laughing. “Ok, this cannot be happening! It’s 2013!”

Feeling that she needed a break she decided to drive into town and drop off the mail. She waved to the man entering town hall as she pulled up to the mailbox. He ignored her and walked inside. She turned on the radio but quickly switched to cd when she heard the familiar weak static. As she passed a neighbor’s house she saw him pulling his garbage can so she waved. Surprised that he hadn’t seen her she wondered if he was ok. The dogs’ enthusiastic greeting momentarily interrupted her reverie. Feeling a need for human contact she called her Mom but there was no answer. She tried her sisters and her husband and everyone seemed to be out doing something.

She looked out the window and nobody was around. She tried logging online again and received the same new user prompt. She tried calling the insurance and again found herself stuck in voicemail. Feeling an odd sense of isolation she turned on the tv. Something felt off…she felt that she needed to speak with someone live. She sent her sisters a text message asking for them to call. There was no response. Wondering who to call she tried the local library knowing that a live person would answer. With relief she heard the joyful voice on the other end but again static blocked her voice and the person hung up. A creepy feeling started invading her thoughts. Wondering when she had last talked to someone live. Amused she told the dogs, “Hey, you’d tell me if I was dead right?” Then laughing at her own silliness added, “well of course you wouldn’t know because dogs can see the dead.”

She decided to busy herself with the brainless task of washing dishes. She went into the living room to pick up the coffee cup her husband always left in front of the tv. As she lifted the cup her eyes fell upon the open church bulletin. Specifically the article that read “Memorial Mass to be held today for local parishioner who perished two years ago when her car slid off the road into the icy river water.” Uneasy now, she scanned the article knowing what she would find. There, at the end, she learned that she and her two beloved dogs had drowned in 2011. The coffee cup crashed to the floor as she turned to see the dogs jump happily towards her.

- - -

In retrospect I received many small warnings of my illness

But there was a point early in 2013 that I felt like I was running out of time

The story above popped out after I drove to town with the dogs one day at saw nobody

I hadn't talked to anyone all morning, couldn't find anyone by phone

I started wondering...would I know if I had died...

Well the story amused me

I shared it with family

My sister hated it, or rather in her words...

"OMG I HATED this...well it's really good but too real...believable"

I took it as a compliment

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Still Alive!

Thought I'd come post something

before y'all thought I'd kicked the bucket

Sometime since the last post I went to visit the brain doc

I must say here just how much I love my brain doc

He is so compassionate, caring, super smart, cute

oh and he saved me

Anyway everything looks good in my head

Follow up in one year and if all well next angiogram in 5 years!

My son has to get tested and I'm dreading that but we'll see

I'm 9 months and 13 days into healing

My brain and I have come to an understanding

I'll listen and it will not send orders to shut down my body

I have a WHOLE NEW RESPECT for this Command Center

If I'm not careful and I overdo it it retaliates by affecting my

speech, sight, or mobility.

Command Center is very finicky...best to keep on its good side.

The doc has ordered me to learn to play an instrument and new language.

So I have a shiny red kid's guitar now and pulled out the old keyboard.

I rock.

Or so I think.

But nobody in my house is going to argue with me.

They say I'm simple now.

I don't care. I know I'm loved.

There's one odd thing I haven't gotten used to yet.

Since surgery I see and feel the world differently.

Can't explain it.

Like one of my senses is too fresh and sensitive.

And although my world has diminished in size it feels expanded.

Sounds weird right?

That's ok...brain cells still recovering....

I'm allowed to be weird.

Wait I was weird before surgery...

LOL

As a side note for when my son reads my journal in the future...

I am completely intrigued by the hole cut into my skull

I can see the circle now just above my left temple

I keep tracing it but then remember I don't want to loosen the screws

But if I should, kid, I'm coming to you to get the duct tape