Diving in, Discovering, Discussions

How did this little silent shadow become a bright, though sometimes slightly shaded, ray of sunshine?

She started in August a silent mouse-like figure.  She desired to be hidden at all times.  Hiding often involved lurking in my shadows, following my every step and praying she wouldn’t be noticed….or so it appeared. 

She wanted the world to think that she loved being invisible, but there was an eagerness in her eyes.  A small little flicker that said ‘notice me’ ‘value me’.  Pretty soon that small little flicker turned into hugs, hand holding, and shy ‘good mornings’.  Coaxing her to speak took time; some mornings a few words seemed like agony.  She wanted to be noticed, but not yet seen.

Over time she started to interact with her peers, but had not yet learned how.  She sought their attention, often with a harsh word or biting tone.  At least this elicited a response.  Her little eyes would bore holes in the floor when they stood patiently waiting for an apology.  They would quickly forgive, but she did not know how to handle their grace.  Those sad downcast eyes briefly looking up to the other’s face.

Slowly, very slowly, she started to emerge from her quiet, often misunderstood little world.  Her eyes spent more and more time looking up at the world, rather than down at her shoes. That twinkle grew to a sparkle, the transformation had begun.

To see her today; to be blinded by her smile, to hear her giggle…you would never guess.  To witness her shy confidence, to watch her leading the charge at recess, to listen to her jokes…one would never know.  The girl who loved the shadows for their ability to hide her, now runs laughing into the sunshine.  The girl who prayed no one would notice, now boldly seeks out friendships.  Those eyes, once so sad, now shine.

And now, it’s my eyes that have to study the floor, hoping she doesn’t notice the tears.  The tears of amazement and gratitude.  Tears that thank her for reminding me of why I stay up late planning lessons, why I care, why I love what I do, why it matters.

So story goes, go big or go home.  Right?  Well, here’s a prime example of when go big just isn’t an option, so you choose the latter.

On Friday I woke up not feeling 100%, but after work I was headed up to Mt. Baker for my first high school youth retreat.  So naturally wanting to please my adorable youth group girls, I pulled it together.  We trekked up the mountain while the snow piled up on the ground. (And no, I was not driving because snow that requires chains = Brie as passenger.  Well really any snow = Brie as passenger.)

Saturday morning and early afternoon I held it together.  You know the story, no energy, but you’re trying desperately to be upbeat and energetic.  Well after sledding in 2 feet of new snow and playing endless rounds of Scum and Carpetball, I felt like I could fall asleep sitting up.  So, it was off to bed for a 2 hour nap.

When I woke up my eyes were beat red and bloodshot.  I felt like my head was going to explode and I got about 3 bites of dinner in me.  Still, I rallied for the hour of outdoor night games because I wanted to be a team player.  After outdoor night games?  Gross eating contests.  I mean, what kind of youth retreat would it be without gross eating contests?  I made it through watching the nasty banana pop, even when one of the pop drinkers spewed it all over.  I refused to watch the clams in clam juice, but the smell almost did me in.  The girl continually gagging over the stick of butter was bad.  But then…the Spam came out.  Now I forgot to mention that I was sitting on the ground right in front of the table full of these wonders, literally closer than any of the other 140ish people there.  As the aroma of the Spam hit me, my stomach started to churn and all of the blood drained right from my face.  And that’s when I knew…we were past go big, we were at go home.  And that’s how I got my own special ride down of Mt. Baker.  Sadly for me, the ride couldn’t come until Sunday morning.  So Saturday night was me lying in my sleeping bag in my bottom bunk, shaking like a leaf and sweating like crazy, garbage can by my side.  Fun times.  I think I probably freaked those girls out.  Just call me The Retreat Ruiner.  It has a ring to it.

After making it off the mountain I got home in time for the worst migraine of my life.  Finally 3 prescription migraine pills and 1 migraine shot later, I finally didn’t feel like a had a pick axe pounding into my head.

Good news for me, I have the greatest family ever.  My brother and sis-in-law came to check on me.  Then they called in the big guns, mom.  Mom and sis drove up at midnight to take care of me.  Like I said, I have the greatest family ever.

5 days later I’m still working my way towards healthy.  Sometimes home is just the best choice.

Moral of the Story: Don’t get this flu, it’s nasty.  And if you do get the flu, don’t even attempt to smell Spam.