EOP DREAM

Not that I have not felt love, strength, friendship and support from so many, but the grieving process is so very lonely at times.  For any of you who have grieved the loss of a special loved one, you can probably understand.  I am learning as well that everyone grieves in a different manner. Grief is very personal, which can lead to the loneliness.  I honestly believe that Marcus and I have about as healthy of a husband and wife relationship as is possible and we are so similar in many areas.  We were best friends long before we ever became romantic (over 2 years) and how blessed and grateful I am that I married not only the love of my life, but my best friend and the one I prefer to spent time with over anyone else.  That being said, we are still grieving Eden's passing so differently.  When he is up, I am down and when I am flying high, he is creeping along.  It is hard when we don't have our good or bad days on the same day.  It is probably better that way though or we would be wallowing in pity at the same time and not accomplishing anything.  I have learned so much about myself and about Marcus through this process.  I love him more than ever before (if that is possible) because he is so kind, consoling and patient with me as I miss Eden so much.  Every night when I get emotional (right before bed is the hardest for me) he knows not to ask what is wrong anymore, but just to let me talk about her, miss her and feel sad.  He is not inclined to talk about her very much and that is fine, but I LOVE talking about her and sharing her short, but oh so brave story with others.  It helps to console me that although her life was not long, it was meaningful and she truly did accomplish the Lord's plan for her life on earth.  I honestly believe that she "fulfilled the measure of her creation."  I often wonder if I will be able to say that about my life when I die.

A dear friend of mine sent me a wonderful poem that puts into words exactly how I feel about Eden and her life.  Let me share it with you:

Look at that, I guess we can keep the chickens.  That's right, we got our first egg on Sunday morning and one yesterday as well.  We have not checked today yet, but Marcus says that we should start getting up to 5 eggs a day.  I guess our family is going to have start eating more eggs!  I was in the bathroom on Sunday morning and the chickens started clucking so I screamed for Marcus to check on them.  He ran out there saying that the noise they were making is very typical of what they do after laying an egg.  Sure enough, a few minutes later he came inside with a beautiful, tiny white egg.  If you all could have seen his face, it was the same happy expression as when all of our girls were born.  The eggs are tiny right now, about the size as a medium store bought, but he said they will get bigger as they lay more to about an extra-large size.  We haven't tried them yet, but I am dying to taste them and see what a fresh, organic egg looks like.  I'll let you know!

It is tiny, but oh so clean when it comes out.

I thought Emmy was going to drop it since she wouldn't put it down.

I am one proud mommy and I love to show my girlies off.  They LOVE getting those pink foam curlers in their hair on Saturday night for church.

The finished product with the curlers out.  Ainsley thinks she's Hannah Montana and loves to pose.

I would like to thank those of you who take the time to ask me how our little family is getting along.  It can be so difficult at times and I tell people that yes, time does heal, but not fast enough.  We love and appreciate all of you and your kindness and friendship to us.  I took my mom and the girls to visit Eden today and it always calms my heart to be near her.  I know she is really not there, but for me it is a physical place I can go and talk to her and the girls know that is where their sissy is.  We took her some new mylar balloons and Ainsley told her that we would bring her a toy from Disneyland and some Halloween flowers when we get home.  The grass has grown in so nicely and they are preparing to plant winter grass.  I really can't wait until I can go visit her without it being so hot I am miserable.  It is so interesting to me how Ainsley just loves to stay at the cemetery as long as possible.  She only spends a few minutes next to Eden's site, but she loves walking around.  I think it is comforting to her as well and a way for her to process and deal with everything.  A few nights ago she told us that she wanted a little brother, but not a sister because they get sick and die and brothers don't.  I do hope that we can have a brother (or sister) that is not sick next time!

The Ridgway's are going to Disneyland again!

Are those expressions priceless or what!?!

That's right, it is our favorite place and we are on our way again at the end of the month.  The invitation is open to any and all who would like to join us.  Note: it's good to go to Disneyland with the Ridgway's.  We learned everything we know about the "Magic Kingdom" from our dear friends the Spencer family and we thank them profusely!  We will be leaving at the end of the month.  If you would like to join us, let me know and I will tell you the dates.  Come on, you know you want to come.  It really is the "happiest place on earth!"  On a more serious note, it really is neat to see your children so excited and I don't know what it is, but Disneyland really does make me happy...it's the fairy tale world you escape into for me I think.

I took Emerson to her pediatrician this week for her fainting spell and although she felt like it was all due to dehydration and low blood sugar she sent us to a cardiologist just to be sure.  The moment she said that she wanted us to see a cardiologist I started to panic.  So many way too recent emotions came rushing back to the surface and I worried that Emerson might have a heart issue as well.  Of course, I started to cry and thankfully we know our pediatrician very well so we just chatted for a while.  Well, I took Emerson this morning to the cardiologist and after a number of tests (multiple blood pressures, a pulse ox reading, an ECG and a complete physical),which I was told are routine for any child that visits, we were given a clean bill of heart health for Emerson.  Boy did that make me breath easier!  They agreed that her fainting spell was due to dehydration, elevation (we were camping in the mountains) and low blood sugar.  Basically, I have to keep her tank full or she will run out of gas.  She was so exceptionally good through all of it and I am so proud of how brave she is for her age.  This will be comical for all of the heart mommies out there.  When they hooked her up to the pulse oximeter, which reads how much oxygen your blood is carrying, they put it on her big toe and it immediately read 99-100.  The nurse got so excited and said "WOW, I NEVER see that number in here!"  You can't get any higher than 100 so that was a good sign.

Marcus and I have also decided to see a geneticist before we have another child.  I called today to make an appointment with the MD that was referred by my OB.  When I explained our situation, the nurse spoke with the doctor and told me that we do not need genetic tests for Eden's and Emerson's issues.  The only way to make sure it did not happen again would be to

do IVF (invitro).  I did not know what to say so I just thanked her and hung up.  Who knows, maybe they both really were fluke incidents, but I was hoping to have some tests done to make sure.

Ainsley had a break through this week with Eden's death.  She has been waking up at night quite often since Eden passed and whenever we ask her at night what is wrong, she can't give us an answer.  At dinner the other night she finally told us that the reason she wakes up at night is because she wants to talk about Eden.  We told her she could talk about her any time she wanted and we would answer any and all of her questions.  She then said "Eden is really never coming home is she?"  To which Marcus responded "No Ainsley, Eden will never live with us in our home.  She lives in heaven now with Jesus."  Ainsley then said, "but, she will live with us again when the Resurrection happens, right?!?"  We answered yes, but that we did not know when that would be and it will probably be a long time from now.  She instantly started crying and got so sad.  It was like she finally understood.  You might remember the photos I posted of the funeral.  There was one picture of a paper figure Ainsley made that represented Eden and she hung it on the fridge.  It has been on our fridge ever since, until a few nights ago.  Right after our conversation, she walked over to the fridge and started taking it down.  When I asked her what she was doing she said, "we don't need this here anymore because Eden is never coming home to our house to live so I want to throw it away."  It was so difficult for Marcus and I watch her take it down, but we had to let her do it because we both think it's her way of grieving and moving forward.  I could not throw it away so I put it in her scrapbook and shed a few tears.  I was so naive to think that Eden's death would not effect my girls, however they prove that it has been very difficult for them as well and they miss her and mourn her loss just as much as Marcus and I.

Despite the challenge it is to move forward and deal with this situation, I really feel like our little family is so blessed.  Having Eden in our family has blessed and strengthened us more than I can express.  I love Eden and I will always miss her, but how thankful I am for the 4 months I had with her on earth before Heavenly Father called her home.

Well, today I have not cried yet so it is a good day.  Naturally, some days are better than others, but overall this has been so difficult for me lately.  It seems at times that I miss her more now and it gets harder, rather than missing her less and having it get easier.  It is the most difficult sometimes for me to look at the photos of her we have around the house and her bedroom that is still home to all of her "things."  Some people have said that maybe I need to take down the pictures or clean her room out, but I am not ready for that yet.  She will always be a part of our family and I am just as proud of her as I am of Ainsley and Emerson so I want her pictures to be displayed along with the other girls.  Maybe it makes it harder, but I can't remove all evidence of her life from our home.  Also, I think that since she never lived in her home, I like having her pictures around as if she had been here.  Don't get me wrong, my family and I are doing as well as we can, it is just a long journey to healing.

Marcus and I talk at nights that we feel so loved, but at the same time we feel so very isolated, alone and misunderstood.  We have now become "those people" and no one wants the burden and heartache of carrying that title.

I believe that Eden knew I was having a difficult times this past week because I had a most wonderful experience yesterday.  I will not go into much detail because it is a very special and personal experience for me, but it lifted my spirits greatly.  I was enjoying some peaceful moments to myself in a very quiet, reverent place when I had the distinct feeling that Eden was right next to me.  I did not see anyone there, but I knew that she was close to me because the feeling was exactly the same as the one I would get every time I was with her.  I sat back, took a couple of very deep breathes and just basked in the moment.  It did not last long, but it was so wonderful.  Yesterday I shed tears, but they were tears of joy and gratitude for that "tender mercy."

My little Ainsley never ceases to amaze me.  All of the children in our church ages 3-11 years attend primary on Sunday where they sing songs and have lessons on Christ.  Each year they perform a "primary program" for all of the parents and adults in the congregation.  As Ainsley is three now, this was her first year in the program.  Each child is given a short speaking part and this was Ainsley's "All human beings, male and female are created in the image of God.  Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents and as such, each has a divine nature and destiny."  That is a mouth full for a 3 year old.  She had it memorized and although I worried about her being too nervous to say it, she did a fabulous job today.  She spoke so clearly and said it perfectly, and she looked so cute to boot.  I love you Ainsley!  Her primary teacher also told me about an experience she had.  A couple of Sunday's ago during their primary class the children were sitting in their chairs in a semi-circle and the chair next to Ainsley happened to be empty.  The teacher mentioned to the kids that someone could sit there as it was empty, to which Ainsley quickly shouted to her "No, that chair is not empty, Eden is sitting there and no one else can sit in that chair because she is!"  It took her teacher by such surprise that she said she fought back the tears and just said "okay" and continued on.  I do not doubt it could happen seeing the faith of our sweet little children.  Marcus and I both feel that each of our girls have had experiences with Eden, which are helping them to cope so well.

We thank you all for continuing to think of and pray for us.  This is a long, sometimes difficult journey and we need your support.  Thank you and we love you.

I wanted to share some of the past weeks "adventures" with all of you through photos.  Overall, it's been a good week as long as I focus on my blessings.  If you know me, you know that I LOVE to work out and my preferred form of exercise is running.  Before Ainsley was born we bought a single jogging stroller.  We purchased our double jogger while waiting for Emerson and of course in anticipation of Eden's arrival we bought the TRIPLE jogger.  Yes, they make a triple jogger and it's a WIDE LOAD!!!!!  The girls immediately fell in love with the triple as it is much roomier and taller for them.  They were outgrowing the double.  I have been running with the triple since before Eden was born and I ran with it all the time when she was still alive.  However, I have not run with it since she passed away because my thinking completely changed.  It didn't bother me at all when she was in the hospital, but now I almost feel dumb with all the looks.  Believe me, I get a ton of looks and some comments with an empty middle seat.  The girls have been asking so instead of ditching out to the gym I took them this morning for the first time.  The comment went like this, "Where is number three?"  My response, "she returned to heaven early."  Nothing else was said.  I now think I am going to make a little sign with Eden's photo that says "We love you and miss you Eden."  We are not allowed to put anything in her seat, the girls will not allow it.  It is nice though for my that it sits empty as if maybe my little angel is along for the ride.

My three girls!  You can see how well the grass is growing in and how happy the sissies seem to be there.

Allow me to introduce you to Tinkerbell Ruby Sassfire Sparkly.  Yes, Ainsley named her and if we dare to get it wrong we are busted.  She too has to be buckled up while we drive.

My new brother-in-law Jake with the girls.  He really goes by Jakey Poo!  He was in a wing eating contest on Saturday night and as you can guess by the smile on his face, this is pre-wing eating.

 

Eat Jake Eat!  I do not like wings at all so it was gross for me to watch.  Rules were how many pounds of wings could be eaten in 11 minutes.  Notice the man next to Jake :(

Time is up, he just has to swallow what is in his mouth.  Jake took 5th and the winner walked away with $7500.00.  I don't need the money that badly!  Jake said he won't be doing that again.  His first and last eating competition.

We went camping Friday night with our church ward family and although I think it's too much work for just one night, the girls had a blast.

Ainsley is licking her plate clean.  No, not from her healthy food, from her roasted marshmallows.  She just wants to make sure she gets every last bit.

I'm gonna buy a paper doll that I can call my own,

one that other fellows can not steal,

and then those flirty, flirty guys

with their flirty, flirty eyes

 will have to flirt with dollies that are real,

when I get home at night there she'll be waiting

she'll be the sweetest doll in all the world,

I'm gonna buy a paper doll that I can call my own

instead of have a real, live girl.

As I was putting the girls to bed the other night they asked that I sing this song to them.  Ainsley likes the song, but Emerson absolutely LOVES it.  I find her rocking her dolls sometimes and singing it to them.  I struck me at that moment that the only reasons I sing this song to them is because my mom used to sing it to me every night when I was a child.  When I asked her where she had heard it she said, my mom sang it to me when I was a girl.  I have no idea where this song originated or how long the mommies in our family have been singing it to their daughters, but it brings back such great memories of my childhood.  I wonder if my girls will sing it to their daughters one day and keep the song alive?  It's little moments like this that make me so thankful to be a mother even though it can be so challenging.  I can honestly say it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but by far the most rewarding as well.  I attribute it all to my own mother for she was the very best mother and friend a girl could have.  I always knew my limits and what was expected of me, and those expectations were high, but I NEVER doubted that she loved me more than anything in this world.  Thanks mom, I love you and thanks for singing me "paper doll, it is still one of my preferred songs!"

The days come and the days go and despite our challenges we are blessed.  Ainsley asked to go visit Eden in the "tunnels" so we will be making a trip to the cemetery tomorrow  or Friday.Each of the girls picked out a small mylar balloon to stick in the ground at her grave that says "I Love You."  She forgot the word cemetery so she explained it as "you know, where she lives in the tunnels." It is also time for us to get working on her gravestone as it  really bothers Ainsley that no one knows she is there.  She told me the other day that she is afraid we won't be able to find her without it marked.  I assured her that although the grass is growing in on her  grave, we will always know where she is and we will have a marker soon.  It's just so hard deciding what it should say as we want it to be perfect to honor her.  We love  you Eden.