little birdie, little bunny...

"On the eve of the 6th revolution around the sun...thoughts are all about her bones. I have a beautiful urn full of them. A small vile full of them. An even smaller glass tube, full of her ashes mixed with teeny, tiny baby bones. This is where my thoughts are on this night, that 6 years ago. I walked a deep and earthly path working harmoniously with my baby. Long, extensive slow walks, circled hips, deep guttering groans...until the beat just stopped. Even today, in this moment, I can feel the silence as shock overcame my body. A deep and wise knowing of death. The kind that you don't want to understand."

There it is, raw and real. That is what I posted on FB this evening, because THIS IS REAL. I am NOT ashamed of being vulnerable, nor am I afraid to speak my truth in any aspect of this earthly life. As so many of us know, our time (or that of our sweet little innocent babies), can stop, suddenly and without hesitation. It just does. It did, and this though, tragically extreme kind of death continues to happen, every fucking day. 

These days, 6 years later. I am trying really hard to give ALL people the benefit of the doubt about most things. But, I find myself stuck so much, analyzing the un-kind behaivior of people. The way we treat each other with impatient attitudes, the sinking feeling that comes over me when I see how mothers are treated in this society. 

Why are people so fucking cruel? There is not enough time or space for this, and WE know why. WE babylost one's we walk the path knowing full well that gratitude and love need to be paramount.


So, when you see me in the crosswalk with my 2 earthly children (even if you need to get to that "really" important meeting), slow the fuck down, and let me cross the road. Please? Because, you have no idea what could be lurking around the corner for you. Seriously.

If you are still there, I am taking a respite from posting here. There have been so many huge life changes this year, and it doesn't feel OK to post about it here, so I am blogging HERE now. At least for a time. xo

Treasured teacher I pray to you, give me the energy to let go of self-fixation, give me the energy to be free of need, give me the energy to stop ordinary thinking, give me energy to know that mind has no beginning and no end, give me energy to let confusion and ignorance subside in its own, give me energy to know that all experience is pure being.

(prayer from the Tibetan foundational practices)

Many Say It But Few Really Mean It

It takes a sudden traumatic experience to really feel close to the reality of death, and to truly, truly behold the fragility of life. To really grasp how fast our lives, and life can stop, how in an instant it can just end...quietly. The very recent death of a friends child, her sweet baby has brought me right back to this reality of life. This dear mama, who knew she would not have sweet bliss to kiss and kiss and kiss her babes warm lips. She carried her precious one, knowing he would not survive to live and breathe.

To those who have never walked this path...the path that has lead to bittersweet loss, baby and child loss...you can not know what this cliff of death and darkness feels like. You can assume to know, but you can't ever truly know. I wish I didn't know this path, or that dark, steep cliff...and then the silent place. The motionless child who's pink lips change to a deep hue of blue, then to black. The weight of my motionless, lifeless lovely girl... Only those who have faced this reality, this truth, the flip side of innocent everyday life, only we can really know how damn precious each and every moment of living is. I have come to know too many ways of pregnancy loss, I know far too many who have lost. It's so damn hard for me to meet an innocent pregnant woman sometimes, I always feel like I want to protect her from what "could possibly" happen to her baby. Feeling the need to implore her to not take anything about their pregnancy or her baby for granted, because, the reality is as many of us know, you may not get to take your baby home with you.

So much has been happening around here in our home. Difficulty and struggle, growing and changing...the waxing and waning of feelings and emotions. Truth is, when it comes down to the miniscule moments, it is always with me that things could just STOP. At any time, my heart could stop beating. At any time, this reality that we have come to know...5 years after Birdie's death could just suddenly cease.

We all get so damn used to what we "think" is our reality. Forgetting that we are just energy, we are just water and skin...here on this precious earth. We have built up our cities and towns, we merge everyday with the "realities" of others. We cross the street, we walk, stepping, stepping. Lifting one foot, then the other as we daydream about that delicious cup of coffee. We don't really stop to think, to really be in each moment. We don't stop to look up at the sky, to watch clouds pass overhead, to watch the way the birds search for worms along the ground. We don't just stop to experience our lives, our realities...

It's a struggle, to stop and slow down. We are moving too fast in this life.

In no way do I mean to imply that I am perfect at this either, but I try really damn hard to stop, to look around at the world, to look up at the sky, to really LIVE my life.


So, how can you really, truly know how precious life is, if you have never held a lifeless child in your arms? I don't know that you can.

Orri, this new babe from the land of miracles is now 10 weeks! WTF! How did we get here. Every week, at least a few people ask how old the babe is and it stuns me all over again. The weeks since his birth are going by so swiftly, it's like the pages of a book, the story of Orri are just turning, and turning before I get to read all the words on the page of "Week 9", and "Week 10".

SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW DOWN!

Time stood still when Holdyn was born. I encased myself in a protective mama shell, and at first glance of my miracle was so high of him that for nearly a year I never came down from that high.

Of course life for us this time around is different, life with two living littles just moves along...not that it is rushed, or fast paced...it just moves in a way that allows less space for mama to take it all in sometimes, I mean really take it all in. I crave that space, I want to study every inch of this new babe's face, as I did with his big brother.

The first few weeks after Orri's birth were difficult for me. I was happy, but I also became incredibly sad on many occasions. It didn't help that Matt was not super sensitive nor understanding of my emotions. I couldn't control my feeling so blue. At times I was beside myself, and it was terribly hard to appreciate the gift I had been given, another living, breathing, beautiful baby. I felt so low, so terribly sad, lost, blah.

Fortunately, I has built around me a fortress (community) of incredible, supportive, loving mamas (and their families), and they came to my rescue. These amazing women, fed us and checked in with us those first weeks following the birth. What a blessing. I can't ever thank these beautiful loving women enough.

Now, 10 weeks out. Here we are. It's way too late for me to be awake, but Orri sleeps contentedly upon my chest, where he spends most of his days and nights. I wouldn't have it any other way. It feels like my truth to have him there, listening to my heart, so close to my breast, breathing in my smell. He like his brother is so happy to be in this space of my body...a fourth trimester.

There is a new little miracle here in our house. New joy, new love and new light.

Welcome Orri Kennedy! We LOVE you!

Orri, was born February 6th 2012 at 1:47 pm.


The labor was so intense, it slowly began around 2:30am and really amped up around 9am, by 10am I was MOOOOOOOOING like a cow to get through the contractions, by 11am we were heading out the door on our way to the birth center. After a nearly 12 hour trial of labor (I was planning a VBA2C) Orri was born via C-section (there were decels that indicated a possible cord compression), and you know I wouldn't mess around with that (and the cord was wrapped around his neck!), and I was only at 4 cm's with the contractions coming one after the other. It was so wild! He cried as soon as he emerged from me, he was SO alert, so beautiful...he was put right onto my chest and hasn't really ever left. Which is as it should be. (more details of Orri's birth to come)

It's time I start writing again...because it still brings me healing and it forces me to document my current parenting journey.

Tonight as Holdyn was beginning to succumb to slumber for the very first time in a very long time he gazed so, so deeply into my eyes. I could feel my heart swelling to his beautiful gaze, and then a tender caress of my face by his slender 3 yr old fingers just melted me. Since the day he was born my breast, my arms have been his main source for food & comfort...now at 3 he nurses a few times a day...and I can sense his self weaning will soon lead to just a snuggle in the night. When I take the time right now, to reflect upon the likely 1000's of times he has nursed and we have been so close, loving each other and slowing down to just be together I am so humbled. How darling, how precious, how fortunate to spend this special time together for as long as we both feel the need.

In this nearly 23rd week of pregnancy (surprise!) for the 3rd time...I continue to nurse my toddler, which at times is a challenge due to my own discomfort because my breasts are so sensitive (more at night than in the day!), I still find nursing an older child valuable for so many reasons, but more than anything, at this time and place, it is such a beautiful mothering tool to help check in with my toddler, to help sooth and or smooth some rough feelings and to reset and start over.

Truth be told, I don't know how much milk is present at this stage of pregnancy...but as we discussed at the last local LLL meeting, it's not about the milk anymore (though the antibodies are a huge plus!!!), it's about the relationship that I have with Holdyn...an incredibly close relationship that grows deeper and deeper every day.

I fucking LOVE my boya.