Happy One Month to my Darling Birdie
Birdie my sweet baby girl. Today would be your one month birthday. I cannot believe that you have been gone 4 weeks now, but you have. I wonder what we would be doing together if you were here? Would you be sleeping in my arms, or Papa's? Would you be laying in bed with me and nursing? Or maybe we would be sitting outside together watching the birds in the yard? These are some of the things that I had hoped for for us, and they can never come to be. My sweet baby girl I hope that you are happy wherever you have gone. I can't help but think that maybe you will be reborn as a Buddha, a beautiful sentient Buddha sitting on the most beautiful lotus flower in a most beautiful and magical place. I am still crying for you Birdie, as I write this I am crying for you. Your so missed my love, even though we can feel you with us always.
But sometimes looking at all the pictures of you make it so hard not to cry. You are such a beautiful baby...our beautiful baby. I am overwhelmed by your beauty, and that me and Papa could create such beauty. How can I not cry for such a thing. They are tears of sadness but also happiness for your pureness. I love you so much Birdie, I hope that you can feel it! I love you and I am always thinking of you.
Love, Mama
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
For the Love of Birdie
Sweetest little Birdie, I am thinking of you every moment of every day. This past Saturday at 3:34am you would have been 3 weeks old. I can't imagine how big you would have grown already, being that you were 9 lbs 5 oz when you were born. What a big girl! My love, I have been thinking so much about everything that happened and I just wish that there was something I could have known to do to prevent you from not being here. I miss you SO much my darling, no WE MISS YOU SO MUCH! We will never stop thinking of you and how beautiful you were (and still are!). Oh Birdie I am so sorry you are not here and alive and cooing like a sweet little baby should. Its all so shocking all over again when I stop and everything here is quiet....I relive everything that happened. I promise to do all that I can to advocate for Stillbirth Research....momma doesn't want anyone else to have to go through what you have gone through. Birdie, it has been raining here for the past few days, and I cannot help but thinking that the rain is your tears. That you are cring because you miss us. We are so sorry you are not here with us Birdie, we love you so much. I hope that you can feel our love for you...it will never fade, EVER.
I have been reading a lot about other parents experiences with stillbirth, in books and on the internet. Yesterday I somehow found an amazing article that I highly reccomend you all read, even if you have not experienced a stillbirth. This article is written by Suzanne Pullen, a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle. Her firstborn child was stillborn, her subsequent child was born healthy and alive! This is one amazing woman, I hope you will read her story. Also, please be sure to pass on her article to others...we need to work together to raise awareness about Stillbirth and how important that in depth research needs to be done!
Stillbirth Articles by Suzanne Pullen:
Article 1
Article 2
Article 3
Stillbirth Resources:
BABY LOSS DIRECTORY
THE NATIONAL STILLBIRTH SOCIETY
THE MISSING ANGEL FOUNDATION
THE PREGNANCY INSTITUTE
PROTECT YOUR PREGNANCY
I hope that this information, these links will help some of you out there who are seeking out as much info about Stillbirth as I am. I find that I cannot spend enough time reading books and being on the computer searching and searching. I know that there will never be a definative answer for what happened to our Birdie, but if I can educate myseld about this and possible do something to help other families before this happens to them then that is what I will do. Nobody should EVER have to deal with this kind of tradgedy in thier lives, NOBODY!
I also want to again thank the so many of you out there who have written us...you are all so special. Thank you so much!
Lastly...if there are any of you in the Northeast side of the country who are interested in getting together to talk, go for walks, get coffee whatever let me know. I would like to try and set something up for moms who have experienced Stillbirth, and I am also looking for women who are road bikers/and or racers who would be interested in a road race to raise money for one of the above causes that I have listed. Oh, and also....in the next year Matt and I will begin working on a film to raise awareness about Stillbirth. We would love to hear from folks who might be interested in sharing thier story.
Thank you all for reading Birdie's blog, you are all helping to keep her precious memory alive!
All our love, Erin & Matt
Sweetest little Birdie, I am thinking of you every moment of every day. This past Saturday at 3:34am you would have been 3 weeks old. I can't imagine how big you would have grown already, being that you were 9 lbs 5 oz when you were born. What a big girl! My love, I have been thinking so much about everything that happened and I just wish that there was something I could have known to do to prevent you from not being here. I miss you SO much my darling, no WE MISS YOU SO MUCH! We will never stop thinking of you and how beautiful you were (and still are!). Oh Birdie I am so sorry you are not here and alive and cooing like a sweet little baby should. Its all so shocking all over again when I stop and everything here is quiet....I relive everything that happened. I promise to do all that I can to advocate for Stillbirth Research....momma doesn't want anyone else to have to go through what you have gone through. Birdie, it has been raining here for the past few days, and I cannot help but thinking that the rain is your tears. That you are cring because you miss us. We are so sorry you are not here with us Birdie, we love you so much. I hope that you can feel our love for you...it will never fade, EVER.
I have been reading a lot about other parents experiences with stillbirth, in books and on the internet. Yesterday I somehow found an amazing article that I highly reccomend you all read, even if you have not experienced a stillbirth. This article is written by Suzanne Pullen, a reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle. Her firstborn child was stillborn, her subsequent child was born healthy and alive! This is one amazing woman, I hope you will read her story. Also, please be sure to pass on her article to others...we need to work together to raise awareness about Stillbirth and how important that in depth research needs to be done!
Stillbirth Articles by Suzanne Pullen:
Article 1
Article 2
Article 3
Stillbirth Resources:
BABY LOSS DIRECTORY
THE NATIONAL STILLBIRTH SOCIETY
THE MISSING ANGEL FOUNDATION
THE PREGNANCY INSTITUTE
PROTECT YOUR PREGNANCY
I hope that this information, these links will help some of you out there who are seeking out as much info about Stillbirth as I am. I find that I cannot spend enough time reading books and being on the computer searching and searching. I know that there will never be a definative answer for what happened to our Birdie, but if I can educate myseld about this and possible do something to help other families before this happens to them then that is what I will do. Nobody should EVER have to deal with this kind of tradgedy in thier lives, NOBODY!
I also want to again thank the so many of you out there who have written us...you are all so special. Thank you so much!
Lastly...if there are any of you in the Northeast side of the country who are interested in getting together to talk, go for walks, get coffee whatever let me know. I would like to try and set something up for moms who have experienced Stillbirth, and I am also looking for women who are road bikers/and or racers who would be interested in a road race to raise money for one of the above causes that I have listed. Oh, and also....in the next year Matt and I will begin working on a film to raise awareness about Stillbirth. We would love to hear from folks who might be interested in sharing thier story.
Thank you all for reading Birdie's blog, you are all helping to keep her precious memory alive!
All our love, Erin & Matt
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
THIS IS NOT GETTING ANY EASIER!
How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know. I do hope people have not forgotten about our baby blog...the comments have been so kind and supportive, and that is helpful for us. To have so many complete strangers send us their love and support, its just amazing. Thank you again for sending us your love and support. I am feeling physically better from the emergency C-Section. It's so hard to look at the scar, I cry when I see the scar, all I can think is that is where my darling baby Birdie was born from! For her to be born like that was the furthest from what I had wanted for her! We wanted to have her born at home, with no medical intervention whatsoever! That is not what happened, and I would be lying if I did not tell you I am outraged a bit that that is not what came to be. My little baby is not here with me right now, she was not born from me vaginally and it hurts SO F-ING MUCH! My heart is shattered, I am in pieces...and I am hurt. I have never felt such hurting before, its a hurting that does not seem to subside. Our grieving is so hard to take, SO HARD!
Yesterday I received a lovely letter from a dear friend who lost a baby in the past year to miscarriage. She lost her baby in the 2nd trimester. In her letter she told me her family is befriended to His Holiness The Dalai Lama. After the loss of her baby, someone in her family asked The Dalai Lama what to say to someone who loses a child. His response was: "Beings are only in this world to work out their Karma."
This is a very simple, yet elegant view I believe. In the moment that I read that in her letter to me, it made sense. I am holding onto this, and it helps.
There was a moment when we were still in the hospital and had Birdie, that I kind of thought something similar to what the Dalai Lama said. We had her, and I felt her move inside me....she was (still is) our baby, alive with life and energy and movement! She had 9 months with us, and we has 9 months with her...she had that time "To work out her Karma." What beautiful Karma she was able to work out. I am not a religious person, though I am spiritual in my own way, as it Matt, and I did read a lot of about Buddhism for a time. I do agree and believe in the Buddhist way...it is very simple & beautiful way to believe in. I found reading about Buddhism helped me to work through my troubles when I was hurting emotionally years ago. Perhaps I should pick these books up again. Now I am rambling on.
All in all, Birdie had life inside my womb. I know she was a happy baby and I know she felt and can still feel the tremendous love we have for her. She is such a special child...our sweet little Birdie. We think of her every time we see or hear birds singing, I hope you all will to.
Birdie we love you enormously,
Love, Mama & Papa
How we are getting through the days I don't know, I just don't know. Why and how am I able to post on this blog, I don't know. I do hope people have not forgotten about our baby blog...the comments have been so kind and supportive, and that is helpful for us. To have so many complete strangers send us their love and support, its just amazing. Thank you again for sending us your love and support. I am feeling physically better from the emergency C-Section. It's so hard to look at the scar, I cry when I see the scar, all I can think is that is where my darling baby Birdie was born from! For her to be born like that was the furthest from what I had wanted for her! We wanted to have her born at home, with no medical intervention whatsoever! That is not what happened, and I would be lying if I did not tell you I am outraged a bit that that is not what came to be. My little baby is not here with me right now, she was not born from me vaginally and it hurts SO F-ING MUCH! My heart is shattered, I am in pieces...and I am hurt. I have never felt such hurting before, its a hurting that does not seem to subside. Our grieving is so hard to take, SO HARD!
Yesterday I received a lovely letter from a dear friend who lost a baby in the past year to miscarriage. She lost her baby in the 2nd trimester. In her letter she told me her family is befriended to His Holiness The Dalai Lama. After the loss of her baby, someone in her family asked The Dalai Lama what to say to someone who loses a child. His response was: "Beings are only in this world to work out their Karma."
This is a very simple, yet elegant view I believe. In the moment that I read that in her letter to me, it made sense. I am holding onto this, and it helps.
There was a moment when we were still in the hospital and had Birdie, that I kind of thought something similar to what the Dalai Lama said. We had her, and I felt her move inside me....she was (still is) our baby, alive with life and energy and movement! She had 9 months with us, and we has 9 months with her...she had that time "To work out her Karma." What beautiful Karma she was able to work out. I am not a religious person, though I am spiritual in my own way, as it Matt, and I did read a lot of about Buddhism for a time. I do agree and believe in the Buddhist way...it is very simple & beautiful way to believe in. I found reading about Buddhism helped me to work through my troubles when I was hurting emotionally years ago. Perhaps I should pick these books up again. Now I am rambling on.
All in all, Birdie had life inside my womb. I know she was a happy baby and I know she felt and can still feel the tremendous love we have for her. She is such a special child...our sweet little Birdie. We think of her every time we see or hear birds singing, I hope you all will to.
Birdie we love you enormously,
Love, Mama & Papa
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
THANK YOU to all of you who have been posting comments about the death of our sweet little Birdie. We don't know many of you personally, but that does not lessen the true sorrow, caring and support that you have extended to us.
Thank you so much, with lots of love. Erin & Matt
I don't even know where to start to tell you all how this all came to be. We had a beautiful 24 hours of labor at home (there are photos below that my husband took), Birdie's heartbeat was strong throughout the whole 24 hours, our midwives would check her heartrate every 15-20 mins. It was at around 2:30 am I think that they checked her heart rate and it had gone down to around 80 beats per minute...this was obviously dangerous. So Tanya, one of our midwives called the backup hospital/midwives/birthcenter to let them know that we were being transported (we live 3 mins from the hospital).
Matt quickly helped me get dressed and we left with haste, though it was very cold and icy on the roads. When we were let into the hospital side entrance we headed quickly for the Birth Center, the nurses were waiting for us. They showed us to our room, began to strap a Fetal Heart Monitor to by belly, then began to listen for Birdies heart, they turned me on both sides to see if her heart rate would increase, it didn't. They then gave me an IV and oxygen. They were preparing my for an emergency C-Section. I could not believe all that was happening, it was certainly a bad dream. All the while I felt like I was
still somehow able to keep calm, breathing slowly for my little baby girl....trying to help her stay with me, with us. I was quickly wheeled into the OR (and Matt could not come in with me) and I had to then get onto the operating table, a small
skinny hard surface. Next I was prepped for anastesia, shortly after....I began to choke and could not breathe, I was looking up and I could see everything going white...still choking and trying to reach my neck to tell everyone I could not breathe.
I was terrified and I thought I was dying.....though I could hear everything around me, people yelling my name...finally I started to breathe, as I was being bagged...air rushed to me. From what I have been told I was immediately given anastesia and the surgoen began the C Section, it was 3 minutes of surgery and Birdie was born at 3:34 am on Saturday March 3rd. When I woke up, I saw and heard the nurse and one of our backup midwives crying, and I felt something was terribly wrong. Then I saw my husband Matt, he said "Birdie didn't make it", I did not believe him. I wanted to scream! I felt such immediate absolute love for my baby girl and yet such deep hurting, it ached and still aches in my bones. My body felt and immediate longing for my darling little baby, my daughter Birdie. The midwife them quickly went to another room to get Birdie and bring her to us. She was amazingly and stunningly beautiful. She is amazingly and stunningly beautiful....somehow as the 3 days we got to spend with her came and went it was (and still is) her presence and radiant loveliness that has made her death maybe not as hard to bare. Her father say's she was and is too beautiful for this world. There is more to our story, but I just can't write any more right now.
Here are some lovely photos of my 24 labor at home, and Birdie with her Papa.....
Thank you so much, with lots of love. Erin & Matt
I don't even know where to start to tell you all how this all came to be. We had a beautiful 24 hours of labor at home (there are photos below that my husband took), Birdie's heartbeat was strong throughout the whole 24 hours, our midwives would check her heartrate every 15-20 mins. It was at around 2:30 am I think that they checked her heart rate and it had gone down to around 80 beats per minute...this was obviously dangerous. So Tanya, one of our midwives called the backup hospital/midwives/birthcenter to let them know that we were being transported (we live 3 mins from the hospital).
Matt quickly helped me get dressed and we left with haste, though it was very cold and icy on the roads. When we were let into the hospital side entrance we headed quickly for the Birth Center, the nurses were waiting for us. They showed us to our room, began to strap a Fetal Heart Monitor to by belly, then began to listen for Birdies heart, they turned me on both sides to see if her heart rate would increase, it didn't. They then gave me an IV and oxygen. They were preparing my for an emergency C-Section. I could not believe all that was happening, it was certainly a bad dream. All the while I felt like I was
still somehow able to keep calm, breathing slowly for my little baby girl....trying to help her stay with me, with us. I was quickly wheeled into the OR (and Matt could not come in with me) and I had to then get onto the operating table, a small
skinny hard surface. Next I was prepped for anastesia, shortly after....I began to choke and could not breathe, I was looking up and I could see everything going white...still choking and trying to reach my neck to tell everyone I could not breathe.
I was terrified and I thought I was dying.....though I could hear everything around me, people yelling my name...finally I started to breathe, as I was being bagged...air rushed to me. From what I have been told I was immediately given anastesia and the surgoen began the C Section, it was 3 minutes of surgery and Birdie was born at 3:34 am on Saturday March 3rd. When I woke up, I saw and heard the nurse and one of our backup midwives crying, and I felt something was terribly wrong. Then I saw my husband Matt, he said "Birdie didn't make it", I did not believe him. I wanted to scream! I felt such immediate absolute love for my baby girl and yet such deep hurting, it ached and still aches in my bones. My body felt and immediate longing for my darling little baby, my daughter Birdie. The midwife them quickly went to another room to get Birdie and bring her to us. She was amazingly and stunningly beautiful. She is amazingly and stunningly beautiful....somehow as the 3 days we got to spend with her came and went it was (and still is) her presence and radiant loveliness that has made her death maybe not as hard to bare. Her father say's she was and is too beautiful for this world. There is more to our story, but I just can't write any more right now.
Here are some lovely photos of my 24 labor at home, and Birdie with her Papa.....
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Our Birdie, our sweet little Birdie, born at 3:34 am Saturday March 3rd was pronounced at 4:10 am on her birthday Saturday March 3rd 2007. She weighed 9 lbs 5 ounces, and she measured 22 inches long. Birdie is the most beautiful child. She is always going to be here with us, we will never say goodbye to her. She sings to us everymorning outside our window.
We love you Birdie.
We love you Birdie.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
EVENING UPDATE
We had a lovely relaxing day today...things had slowed as I think that I wrote in the last post. I was really happy to have my Matty home with me today, to spend time together...and for the chance that my contractions could pick back up at any point and things would get going on a regular pattern. Macy also had a lovely day today with her uncle Ron, she is so tired out and it's very adorable. We just had a yummy dinner of home made organic pizza....with pesto, asparagus, mushrooms, italian seasoned tofu, broccoli and some organic cheese. I also had Matt take some photos of my belly so that you all can see how much it has dropped, we don't have a mirror in our house besides the bathroom so photos are really the only way I get to see my belly other than the view I get when I look down! Things are still stalled a bit....oh but a lot more of my mucus plug came out after I took a long amazing nap today. Ok Ok here are some photos from just a little while ago, and its just about 9pm right now.
I'm Still Smiling!
We are having so much fun!
What a cutie pie he is!
We had a lovely relaxing day today...things had slowed as I think that I wrote in the last post. I was really happy to have my Matty home with me today, to spend time together...and for the chance that my contractions could pick back up at any point and things would get going on a regular pattern. Macy also had a lovely day today with her uncle Ron, she is so tired out and it's very adorable. We just had a yummy dinner of home made organic pizza....with pesto, asparagus, mushrooms, italian seasoned tofu, broccoli and some organic cheese. I also had Matt take some photos of my belly so that you all can see how much it has dropped, we don't have a mirror in our house besides the bathroom so photos are really the only way I get to see my belly other than the view I get when I look down! Things are still stalled a bit....oh but a lot more of my mucus plug came out after I took a long amazing nap today. Ok Ok here are some photos from just a little while ago, and its just about 9pm right now.
I'm Still Smiling!
We are having so much fun!
What a cutie pie he is!
UPDATE!
Hello how are ya'll doing out there in bloggerland?
Just a little update for you. Last night around 1:30am I had a bit of "bloody show".....yes my mucus plug as it is also often called began really making an appearance. To go along with it I had a few not to hard to handle "contractions", which I really prefer to call "rushes". I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep last night as my mind was whizzing all about with thoughts about anything and everything to come! Then of course the heating pipe in our room was making sounds, and Matt and Macy were sound asleep snooring.....and I had some intense contractions. I did however manage to fall asleep a few hours later I would estimate.....and I woke up and had some minor cramping at the most. I called one of our midwives around 9:30am to let her know what was going on, and she said to go about my day as usual and make sure to make time for resting. So, I am about to have some tea and take a lovely nap. So my dears, things are moving along.....I do ask that you sit tight though, this could take another day or so. All in good time.
Hello how are ya'll doing out there in bloggerland?
Just a little update for you. Last night around 1:30am I had a bit of "bloody show".....yes my mucus plug as it is also often called began really making an appearance. To go along with it I had a few not to hard to handle "contractions", which I really prefer to call "rushes". I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep last night as my mind was whizzing all about with thoughts about anything and everything to come! Then of course the heating pipe in our room was making sounds, and Matt and Macy were sound asleep snooring.....and I had some intense contractions. I did however manage to fall asleep a few hours later I would estimate.....and I woke up and had some minor cramping at the most. I called one of our midwives around 9:30am to let her know what was going on, and she said to go about my day as usual and make sure to make time for resting. So, I am about to have some tea and take a lovely nap. So my dears, things are moving along.....I do ask that you sit tight though, this could take another day or so. All in good time.
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