little birdie, little bunny...

Surrendering To Surrender

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2007/9471.html

A Glimmer of Hope, Yes Hope

I am not sure how or where I am finding feelings of hope, and how hopelessness is falling off of me. Never the less it is, at least for today, at least for this moment. I can find some clarity through my grief. I can think about her and smile a smile of joy and love for her. I can see her so clearly in my mind, I can go back to the first moment that I saw her and held her and kissed my precious baby girl. I can go there and the piercing pain is not as strong, it still hurts...but just not as strong. At least that's how I am feeling this moment in time, on this day. Gosh how I think about her, I cannot stop thinking about her today and I don't want to. I should be doing work, but I just can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I just need this time to be with my memories of her, some days I just need that.

This past week I have been thinking a lot about the details of her birth, the moments leading to it, all the empty space of time that she was still alive inside me...all those empty minutes that she could have been lifted from my belly and possibly resuscitated. All those empty minutes represent a missed opportunity for her, and for us. I am stuck on the stupid hospital policy of the OB on call being able to live 30 minutes away...well this time that policy failed, it failed the life of a little baby and her parents. It failed. It tragically failed.

I have been thinking about Birdies last moments, was she still alive right before I went "under" for my c-section? Was she still alive...and if she wasn't (because I remember the nurse midwife saying there was not heartbeat) just before I went under...why couldn't they have just stopped what was happening and let me deliver her myself. There are simply too many questions, to many spaces of time where opportunity was missed, and there are not answers and nobody to take ownership of the moments. There is nobody to take responsibility and give us back those precious moments, last moments of Birdie, when we were still connected and living for each other.

Now I live for finding hope, her life and her death are bringing me hope. Maybe this sounds weird, but I don't care. I can't help but have this hope in my heart. I just have to. Maybe it's hope that she could be reborn to us, I don't know. Maybe that is crazy talk, but I did hear about a mother who's child was reborn to her...and its a very lovely story. I guess I feel the ultra deep and strong connection to Birdie still, like when I was pregnant with her. Its still there, its still as strong and getting stronger. I feel her with me all the time. Maybe she's waiting for re-birth...maybe our Bird will fly back home.

Meme Tag From A Good Friend

So, I have been tagged for a Meme from a good friend, a fellow boxer lover, boxer hero I should say. She is Claudia, and she is the boxer angel who delivered our Macy to us after we adopted her from Green Acres Boxer Rescue back in 2003...I think it was 03' when we were living in Wisconsin. Anyways, Claudia Claudia thank you its been a while.

I am a Mama! I am Mama to a beautiful baby girl named Birdie Amiina Ruby...she died on March 3, 2007

I am 29

I was (am) 0v.ulating?

I am finding a place of calm in my grief
(I am not sure how, but there is a stillness and a sense of quiet there...)

I am more in love with my DH than ever
(since our daughters death we have pulled together more than ever and neither one of us is letting go!)

I am ready for a subsequent pregnancy
(I have gotten to a place of feeling o.k. about this, I really am ready, I know it now...but DH is not, I don't think--we haven't actually talked about this in a few weeks--I am trying to give him more space about it)

I will NEVER forget my precious first child, Birdie Amiina Ruby

I am scared to go into labor, and be in labor again.
(how could I not be after such a tramatic and tragic end to something that is/was so natural)


I want to tag Missing One

0v.ulation, Exhaustion and Distance From The Past

How do I think of these titles, I have no idea. I guess they stem from the feelings that I am having when I actually sit down to post to this blog.

DH and I have been having some really good days and nights together. We had a really long conversation last night. We talked over something that happened 3 months or so ago, something that hit me hard and has stuck with me. I can't seem to shake it, but I am doing my best to for him. I love my DH so much, and in the throws of romance....that deepest love has begun to make me cry...again like I did when we were first together. I just cannot put into words how special he is, everything about him, EVERYTHING!

So, you might be wondering about the "O" word in the title well my dear friends it seems that I might be 0v.ulating. Yes, I am 0v.ulating and I can feel that I am. This is new for me, I never was able to feel when I was actually "0"-ing before. Today is the first day that I am able to tell, and it is exciting and sad. Exiting for what could be...and sad because its just not the right time. I mean of course I am still obsessed with wanting to be preg0, but DH is being the strong one about it and not allowing that to happen. Geez, and I thought I would be the one to put the brakes on!

Anyways, so yeah that's going on...and I am feeling really really tired. I am tired out psychically and mentally. I met with a really good friend today, someone who I knew in high school and has come back into my life and I am so glad that she has. I mean, I would rather she hadn't under the circumstances of what we have in common, but she is and I am thankful for her. We shared a lot about each other stories, filling the blanks about family etc. It felt good to tell her the whole story of what happened with Birdie, as there were some pieces she did not know about. Like the 30 or so minutes that it took the surgeon to get to the hospital (its a community hosp. and the doc's are on call at night-not in house). Oh those 30+ minutes are painful to think about, that was just too much time...too much time for Birdie. Sometimes I wonder, if the doc had been in house, or if the policy was such that there was just always a doc in house! Maybe Birdie could have been saved. Then, again she wasn't and we will never know.

Anyways, it was good to talk with her. It's been a while since I have met up with a fellow mum like her. Something I need to do more often. I always leave my other mum friends feeling good, like such intense talking about our babies brings their spirits together with us. So, I got a lot out today and I am tired.

Today I have also been thinking about the time that has passed, 4 months 2 weeks and 3 days...I can't believe that. I can't believe how far from Birdie and her birth we are. Its all too surreal, I mean really.

I was happily pregnant for 9 months, really? Was I really? I went into labor? Really did I? Then the nightmare of Birdies heart rate dropping out of the blue (their were absolutely no signs to allude to anything wrong before then--that happened 24 hrs into labor), Then I moved into different positions, standing, lying on my side...then, we were rushing to the hospital...fumbling nurses...Oh there's Birdies heartbeat-I think...knee chest position...wheeled into 0R...get yourself onto the 0R table...lay on your back (bad idea--bad idea!)...supposedly have a seizure.......choking, flailing....anestesia....wake up....

the room is too quite, why is it so quiet?...and why do the nurse and the nurse midwife have tears in their eyes?

Why, what?

Oh no, something is so wrong...oh no...

I Turn to see DH and he says, "Birdie didn't make it"

WHAT?

Your LYING, YOUR LYING!

that room was so silent...so silent...so silent...SO FUCKING SILENT!

And then I saw her...for the very first time, the most beautiful, perfect little baby...the baby that we had created, and she had to fly away.

Oh how I long to hold her again...oh how I long to create another baby with DH...oh how I long to give birth again, to a living child...a sibling for Birdie, a very special, miracle baby sibling for her to wrap her spirit around and protect.

Birdie, we are thinking of you so often. You are growing more and more into our hearts and lives. We miss you fiercely, and love you just as fierce.

A lifting, some clarity....somehow

Today has been a really rainy and dreary day. I don't mind rainy dreary days, I actually like them and I happily welcome them. So I have been thinking a lot about my last post and some of the comments that I received about it. Thank you for the comments by the way. =)

I think that maybe I am finding a small, tiny sense of healing. The gaping hole of a wound in my heart and mind are slowly mending. All of the wound licking I have been doing, the intense grieving, soul searching, and life questioning is helping. This week has not been so bad for me as you can tell by my posts. Last week was the darkest I had felt since the weeks following Birdies death. I was on really shaky ground, and I think that all the purging I was able to do through my writing helped a lot. Again, the comments from you who commented was nice to read too.

The house is quiet today, its nice when its so quiet that I can think clearly about Birdie. At the same time it's a little stinging because it is so quiet...there should be a crying baby in this house. There is a baby in this house, and her body is ash and she lives in an urn and in a charm that I wear around my neck. There is a baby in this house, a baby spirit who fly's around and occasionally turns off the tv when we are watching a movie (we don't have cable, but watch many movies). Yes, there is a baby here but not in the flesh only in spirit form.

The other day I realized that plants I bought when I was pregnant with Birdie had died. I bought a few plants while I was pregnant with her, to start a plant collection...plants to grow as she was growing. Since she died, these plants started to die, I would water them as I always had been, no more no less. They were in the same parts of the house that they had been in, and still they began to wither away. Just this past weekend I finally threw the last of the plants away. I could not believe plants that had thrived for so long and looked so healthy could just wither away. Much like my very awesome pregnancy, my very healthy child...who in the end did not make it, she did not stay alive. I could not believe the strange coincidence when I thought about this yesterday, Birdie passed and so did "her" plants. Now we have many plants that were given to us after Birdie died, and wouldn't ya know they are all thriving and healthy. Even the many outdoor plants that I went crazy buying are doing really well. Its strange.

This weekend is my birthday (the 21st) and I am not exactly wanting to celebrate. Nor do I really want people to say "Happy Birthday", its just not going to be a happy birthday without Birdie. Just to be with my DH and family to spend time. We are going to go back to The Path of Life Garden in VT, that is something I am looking forward to. We are going to bring some of Birdies ashes to spread as well. I feel that being there will bring me some peace on my birthday...some much needed peace.

Indifference and Contemplation

Sitting here in front of this computer and just thinking about what my life (our life) is now and there is just blank empty space. Maybe this is because I am on my computer too much, well I can't really help this because I work from home. I am lucky to be able to do so. I was fortunate to get this job because it was going to allow me to be home with Birdie, to be here for her, to take care of her while DH was at work. Now here I sit everyday typing away on this keypad, taking the occasional long walk with our dog and occasionally checking in on the other mama's that I have befriended in these last 4 or so months since Birdies death.

About Birdies death, I have been contemplating this so hard, so much...just trying to find any glimmers of why this could have happened. Of course I cannot, and nobody will find any answers, ever. Some days I wonder if doing an au.top.sy would have given us any more clues, but she had been through enough. Her little body was just so sweet and limp, and she looked so peaceful. Even if we had those answers would they help us? With our next pregnancy we are going to be scared no matter what. We are going to be scared, and people are going to worry about me, and the baby. I think that I am fearful of that worry that others will have, and I feel concerned for how that could effect me and my stress level. With Birdie people would ask how I was feeling and "Is the Baby Moving, Kicking?" That was fine, but now I know that some were asking me out of deep worry...and that is a little distressing to me. So, I fear for the worry of others upon me with our next pregnancy. I know we will already be feeling extra stress and concern of our own, I just don't want to know that much about how worried others will be. It's like that worry is already an entity that is all consuming. I don't think that it's healthy or productive, only stressful and unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed that people care so much that they worry, but in a situation like pregnancy, and labor...I am going to need, and DH is going to need to find a place of safety where extra worries and concern of other will not compound upon us. I just hope that people will seek refuge for themselves, find another outlet for their worrying over our next pregnancy.

Simply put, we will have enough on our plates. I am going to want to keep to myself as much as possible, more like hibernate. I think that is how I stayed so calm and content when I was pregnant with Birdie, I was working from home and making my own hours and just taking it easy. That is what I want to have again. Total peace and quiet, being able to relax and enjoy every moment. I hope to find some sense of "ok" and peace with our subsequent pregnancy. It may sound cruel, but for me, for the baby for us...being in solitude, quiet, alone and together (DH, I and baby) seems like the best choice. It is a choice that we will be lucky enough to have...

So, I have to ask and I know it will be hard...please don't worry for us. We will be ok, we simply cannot control fate, or the path's chosen for us...as much as we would like, as much as we would have liked to save Birdie we could not. As it turns out it is not anyones fault. Believe what you want, have ill feelings if you must, but that is reality, its nobodies fault. We are all simply riding on the waves and crests of life and we cannot control them. That is part of what makes life so beautiful, the unknown. Sometimes that unknown is scary and very hard to bare, but it is what it is. Birdie does know this, she is an enlightened one...she is a little Buddha. She is nature. She had a beautiful beginning, and it pains me a little to say...ultimately she had a beautiful end. I say this because she felt no pain, no suffering...she began as enlightened being and she left in that way, she will never have to know pain or suffering as we all do in this world we live in. She showed me this as she left me early that morning in the OR...I felt her leave, I saw her leave....and she did not let me leave. I don't think that there is any lesson to take away from her death, but there is a new way to see life. To really see the beauty in it. To not take each other for granted, to not fight over that which is meaningless, to not waste our time and energy on negative thoughts which cause pain and stress and suffering. Embrace your life, embrace those around you.

Birdie, my little Buddha...you are so pure of love and light.

We love you tremendously. Thank you for coming into our lives and sharing with us such beautiful wisdom, your pure innocent baby wisdom.

Our Grief Is Intense, Please Don't Worry...Its Completely Normal

Just want to put this out there to any friends or family who still read this blog (I have no idea if any of you even bother to anymore). Please don't worry about the intense things that I say. These feelings we are experiencing, are dark and they run very deep. This is just our grief, I assure you will still have a handle on life. We cannot help but feel what we feel, we are allowing our grief to move through us naturally. We are seeking out a therapist. Please, don't worry.

p.s. you should also know that DH or M and me have pulled closer together, we have not pulled apart. We are supporting each other and talk a lot. We talk a lot about Birdie, what happened and the future. Somehow we are able to think about the future in this dark mess of guilt, anger and sadness. We are doing ok, considering.

Desperate, Sad, Depressed and Longing for The One That I Couldn't Keep

How did my life take this wretched turn? My life has turned to shit. My heart is mush and I am not sure how it can keep breaking when its so broken. My head is a gaping hole where only darkness can be found. My body is aching overtime for the one who I could not keep, but still cling to so desperately. Yesterday I was reminded of something that I had not thought about in a long time. After Birdie was born and hastily handed to the pediatrician, he and the nurses tried for 30+ minutes to resuscitate her...they tried for so long. They tried because she looked as though she could take a breath at any minute. When she was born she was still very pink, and looked like she just needed some help to get going. It was like we just missed her, she had just had life in her body, and we just missed her...she had just left.

If the weather that morning had not been so icy and foggy...maybe she would still he here. She tried to hang on as long as she could, but then she couldn't wait any longer. So, this makes me think that she was supposed to stay. She was not meant to leave us so alone and broken.

After the pediatrician stopped trying to resuscitate Birdie, I was told he came out of the OR with tears running down his face. He was so upset because she looked so ready to take a breath...that precious first breath of life. He couldn't understand why she didn't, and felt as though life had just been in her. Well, it might have been...but the time from when we got to the hospital, to when the surgeon was paged and got to the OR was just to long, it was around 35 minutes. Way too long...way too long. Its just so unfortunate that there was no surgeon just there, in house and ready to go. That could have saved our baby's life! However, that is just not the protocol of the community hospital. That breaks my heart, and scares me too. Its that "best of care" thing that just doesn't happen in this country. Instead we get the "ok" medical care. The hospital birth center just should have someone in house round the clock, period.

We have been told for "the next time" that the surgeon/OB will be there no matter what. I can have whatever I want etc...It's so shitty that wasn't the option this time. How different things could have possible ended...and begun, our daughter might still be alive. She might be here with my right now at home.

Instead she's not, and instead I sit here crying my eyes out with my snot running down my face. Instead I am filled with guilt, with hate and the deepest darkest sadness. Instead I am filled with desperation and longing. Instead I am missing the one I had been waiting for for so long...the one I was so careful with while she was in my womb, the one I loved and nurtured and couldn't wait to meet. The one who we read to, played music for...the one precious life that we had created and fallen in love with without even seeing her. We loved her so much as soon as we knew she would become a huge part of our life together. Birdie, you were always so cherished, so absolutely loved. There is not a moment that we don't think of you and long for you. I am so sorry you died, I am so sorry. If I could have taken your place and let you live on I would have.

To my dearest DH if you are reading this, I am so sorry if you feel like I have been pressuring you. I just, I mean I don't want to pressure you. But, I just want a subsequent pregnancy so badly. It breaks me, it breaks my heart to even have to want this, but the truth is that I do. Its just such a hurting an aching inside me. I was so ready to be a mom to our Birdie, to our baby in the flesh. Now that she is not here in the flesh, that need does not stop, it has only grown larger. That need eats at me, at my soul at my own flesh. It runs so deep, I cannot explain it in enough detail. To know that another baby could be that much closer to being here in the flesh with us could ease some of that aching for Birdie. Not as a replacement....nothing will ever replace the preciousness of Birdie, not ever! I need to feel the flesh of a baby we have created on my skin, I need to hear the cries of a baby we created so badly, I need to feel the breath of a baby we have created...I just need this so badly. My longing for another baby...and living baby is so strong...its just so strong. I'm sorry DH. I know your not ready, it's so hard to meet you halfway on this, I don't know what else to do.

It feels like no matter how long we wait, there will still be risks involved. We are on the other side of statistics, so it seems they don't really matter anymore. We have seen, we have lived and are living on the other side of all of that. I know you are scared, and so am I. I am terrified about all that could happen again, or differently...but I also know that as scary as it all seems and feels and looks we have to move through it. Why I am so ready to take this all on, head on and steadfast I have no idea....but those feelings are running strong in me and I cannot seem to tame them. Its like something, some force is ready to pull me through it. To guide me on the journey again, differently. Our subsequent pregnancy will be scary, no matter when it happens, when it begins its journey. DH I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to feel ready to be pregnant again. I want to feel as you do. Uneasy, scared and hesitant. Putting the breaks on.

I have thought a lot about it, and I have tried to reason with my thoughts. I have tried to still mind. I just cannot do it. I try to do this for you, I don't want us to be on such separate levels about this. I guess that this is just part of my grieving, and part of my grieving is pulling me to want a pregnancy. I don't know, all this sounds crazy. All that I want to do is leave you alone about this, to give you space. I will try to give you that space, but it's so damn hard.

Birdie I love you, I miss you so much...some days I feel like the amount of love and missing, and longing for you could bring you back, but that is just my desperation.

DH I love you, I am so sorry that we are living this way...I am so sorry that Birdie died.

Birdie and The Path of Life

We made it home today. All in all I can say, and I know I speak for DH it was a restful and enjoyable time together. Even when DH was sick for those first 5 days of it, poor dear. We still managed to have a great time just being together. The beginning was not exactly great for romance but thats ok.

Proclaiming to the mountains, trees, ocean and skies our love for Birdie was amazing. I keep thinking about that, how important it was to do something like that. It felt so freeing, and it also gave way for a small bit of healing. Yelling from mountain tops was a suggestion from some very close friends of ours who's daughter was stillborn four years ago. They found some solace, some release in yelling out for their daughter too. It felt so natural to just go ahead and let it out, we are so glad we did.

This morning while still in Vermont, we stopped by a place called "The Path of Life Garden." DH had seen a flyer for it at a rest stop, and mentioned it to me. Luckily it happened to be off the exit we took last night to rest for the night. This place was so beautiful, it looks like a very large buddhist garden. It's maybe the size of 3 or 4 football fields in length and maybe that in width. Its lovely with tall grasses and wild flowers...and there are different "rooms" for visitors to enter into. The first being "b.1rth". As we were almost about to enter the "b.1rth room" DH said he was too hot, he was wearing a black t-shirt. So he went back to the car, while he did that I went ahead and entered "b.1rth." What a sensation I felt, I was surrounded by large stones sticking straight into the air, with one smaller one (the child) in the center. I began feeling so strongly that that was the place, The Path of Life Garden, that I wanted to spend my birthday. What a perfect place to reflect on Birdie, this place is just so beautiful, serene, contemplative and inspirational...I also began to think that this could be one of the places to spread some of Birdie's ashes.

As I was sitting there I began to think that we should have brought in our little bag of Birdie momentos (we had brought some of her remembrance cards, origami cranes and dried flowers from arrangements that were at our house after we got home from the hospital). Matt went back to the car to get that for me.

As he was walking into the "b.1rth room" he began to sort of open this little bag of momentos and he heard a crackling sound coming from the bag. As he opened up the little handled bag we saw that inside was a small, little baby butterly...he let the rest of the bag fall open and out flew the butterfly! Not only did that butterfly fly away but it flew in the direction of one of the other "rooms", and that room was called "rebirth." As soon as we noticed that there was a butterfly in the bag, and saw it so graciously flying away and towards rebirth we both began to cry. I nearly fell to my knees...it was such a beautiful moment, it took us both by such surprise. It was just so unreal, I mean if ever their could be a sign from Birdie that she is always around us, that she loves us, that she hears us and knows what we are thinking.....that little butterfly was the ultimate of signs. It was like Birdie was that butterfly...and she was letting us know that she will be reborn.

We have no idea how that butterfly got into that bag, the bag had been sitting in the backseat of the car for nearly 5 days. The car windows rolled up, the doors shut. Its a beautiful mystery.

So, there we were standing in the b.1rth room and facing rebirth and just crying. Both in shock at what had just happened and also feeling joy. The powerful connection we feel to our daughter was brought to life, we saw a real life manifestation of her love, her beauty and stregnth. It was just so unreal.

I have so much more to say about our experience at The Path of Life Garden. However, I am just so exhausted. We spent almost 3 hours there, and then drove 2 hours home.

One last thing I will tell you about is our visit with the statue of the Buddha, a lovely granite statue of the Buddha sitting in the lotus position. Others had left offerings for the Buddha, and as soon as we saw him we knew what to offer, a tiny paper origami crane (one of the many that a complete stranger made for us, for Birdie). We gently placed the crane into the Buddha's hand, and anchored it gently with an inscribed little pebble that read, "healing." It was just so, I don't know...it felt good. Then I gently touched the face of the Buddha, telling him how beautiful he is, and asked for him to watch over our Birdie. I then gently knelt before the Buddha, gazing upon him and our offering, and thinking soft gently thoughts. A few moments later a butterfly appeared and flew around and landed on the paper crane we had offered the Buddha. I cannot ever describe the level of joy and happiness I felt. It was such a significant moment for me and DH. I have never had that kind of pure spiritual experience. I was just in awe...completely speechless. I really have no more words for what that meant or how I felt at that moment...pure bliss?

Here are some photos from the magical place, The Path of Life Garden. If any of you are in the Windsor area of VT, I highly recommend you go to The Path of Life Garden. We had just such an amazing experience, there are really no words for how it made us feel. I can tell you that it brought to us a little piece of healing.

The first photos are from the b.1rth room:

See the little baby stone to the bottom right corner

You will notice here that as you look out past "b.1rth" you can see the "rebirth" room

In this last photo you can see our offering, the tiny little paper crane...


Birdie, we had a powerful experience we had with you today. Thank you for showing us your mighty baby spirit, your strength, and your love. You showed us something very special today, something so moving...we are so lucky to have shared those moments with you. I do believe that you were there, alive in that baby butterfly, in the gentle winds that blew...in the tree of wisdom...you were communicating...you found a way to connect.

Our day today was meant to re-diverge our severed paths back together...a new Path of Life together, made possible in The Path of Life Garden. We felt joyful with you again dearest little one, even if for only a short while, a glimmer in a moment...we were together again.

We love you dearest little bird.

Love, Mama and Papa

So Long Vacation...Hello Therapy!

For the last few weeks I have been wondering to myself if maybe seeking the help of a therapist might be a good idea. Things are becoming way to intense for me to handle with only talking to my dear husband, family and support groups. I do need more help, I do. More recently things are compounding on top of me more and more, my emotions are becoming way too heavy and I have had some really extremely dark days. I mean REALLY DARK. I had one a few weeks ago when I was out with DH (yes I am going to refer to him as DH from now on). We had been at the post office, and I got really mad while I was in there, then I came outside and completely lost it. I got in the car completely fuming, crying and raging...and the I yelled "I just want to k.1.l.l myself," then I tried to slam on the gas and take off. The car didn't move, then I pressed on the gas a little gentler and off we went. We pulled over a few minutes later, and DH drove home, I was not in a state to drive.

The last few days while we have been away on vacation have been really tough. I have been a wreck, my emotions totally whacked out, I have been on a spiraling roller coaster from the deep dark depths of depression. I have been crying and crying for our Birdie. Again, I am asking why this happened, how could this happen to her? WHY? WHY? WHY? Last night I spent a good hour and a half writing to her in one of my Birdie journals. I write to her, not as often as I would like, but when I do write it is completely intense and I proclaim to her how sorry I am. I know, I have said this before, that I feel at fault. How can I not, she died in my body. My body betrayed her. My body malfunctioned in some way, that is obvious to me. I don't really care what anyone else tells me, its not my fault or whatever. I am the only one who can truely say this right? There is no medical explanation. Regardless of where we would have been for my labor with her, my body failed her. Ok, enough said on that.

The good thing about our last few days of our vacation is DH finally started to feel better...and since we were in New Hampshire we were staying close to the beautiful White Mountains. Those majestic mountains were just what we needed, lots of beautiful vistas to behold to yet again proclaim our love to Birdie out into the wild! Did I mention the gorgeous B&B we stayed at? Oh my, it was also just what we needed. The B&B was located on beautiful Silver Lake in NH. The room we stayed in was so beautiful, so romantic...it was just perfect. Our last night there we went out on a sunset canoe adventure, that was amazing and peaceful. Oh, and the resident dog was also really nice to spend time with...what a friendly dog!

As soon as I can, I will get some more photos up here.

Some Photos From Fort Knox





WARNING: This Blog Is Rated PG Because Of The Words "Fucking" and "Dead"


I was reading Rosepetal's blog and found this rating site. I'm not really sure what to make of it, I mean for any of us what do these ratings really mean? Not a damn thing....maybe if there was a rating system for the president that would be better served. Watch out here comes some swear words....kick than mother fucker to the curb! I mean really, what the hell is this country coming to? Thats another conversation for another blog, certainly not this one.

We are still on vacation, poor M.a.tt is sick, he has a little fever, tummy upset, head ache and a sore throat! I am trying my best to take care of him. =(

We did get out today for a bit, we took a really nice drive into Acadia National Park and up to Cadillac Mountain. Wow, its absolutely breath taking there. "Breathe Taking." Geez that word is kind of a weird one to use...anyways, it was really nice. We walked around a bit over big boulders and around sporadic spreadings of wildflowers. All with the goal of screaming from the mountain top "I love your Birdie!"

M.a.tt found the absolute most perfect, beautiful and private place for which to do some screaming. Sream we did! From the mountain top we screamed, we yelled..."Birdie I Love You!", Birdie I Love You!" It felt so good to just scream it out loud, into the sky, into the clouds, into the clear/clean air. Way up high, so close to the "heavens." It didn't take me too long to let it out...I was so eager to tell the mountain tops just how much I care for our baby. It seemed as if each "cry" of love was then followed by a gentle gust of air...as if the spirits, perhaps the native spirits of the land and Birdie were answering our callings. The experience felt and feels so important, to just belt it out! What a release, a rush...it made me feel, I don't know just a little more healed...maybe. To yell as I did, felt natural, and powerful...and empowering. To proclaim my love for Birdie in this way, felt so right...and so loving. I had been wanting to scream out of my anger for so long, this was the right way to do it.

M.a.tt was different in his pronouncement, more tender and quietly sprited. His whispers of love to the wind...and the mountains were gorgeous and sweet. Then he found a moment of pure unconcious and screamed "Birdie!" Just to hear her name proclaimed was all he needed to do, it was so right and so perfect. He is beautiful in his constant deep love for our daughter.

Here are some photos from the place we pronounced our love for our Birdie, our precious daughter.