Dioxins Make The Foods We Eat Toxic & Cause Severe Reproductive Problems
How many of you have heard of Dioxins or Furans? Did you know that these chemicals are among some of the most toxic chemicals known to science? Did you know that there are in the foods you eat? Did you also know that these chemicals cause cancer (an increased risk of breast cancer in women), and they also cause severe reproductive and developmental problems!
We are exposed to these toxic chemicals by way of the food chain, as Dioxins simply climb their way up the food chain! "A North American eating a typical North American diet will receive 93% of their dioxin exposure from meat and dairy products (23% is from milk and dairy alone; the other large sources of exposure are beef, fish, pork, poultry and eggs)"
"Men have no ways to get rid of dioxin other than letting it break down according to its chemical half-lives. Women, on the other hand, have two ways which it can exit their bodies:
* It crosses the placenta... into the growing infant;
* It is present in the fatty breast milk, which is also a route of exposure which doses the infant, making breast-feeding for non-vegan/vegetarian mothers quite hazardous."
"f you're eating the typical North American diet, this is where you are getting your dioxin from: Beef, Dairy, Chicken, Pork, Fish and Eggs"
Here is the EPA's FULL Report on Dioxins
To say the least these finds are disturbing.
DH and I stumbled onto this information last night after I told him about what Wannabe Mom had written about sex during menstration (as she was told by her May.an Massage Practitioner)....that it can cause endometriosis. He didn't believe it, so we did some research. Well we stumbled upon the Dioxin report, and I'm glad that we did. I remember reading about dioxins in a book about vegetarian/veganism years ago, before I went full vegan the first time. Then I sort of just forgot about them. Now I remember part of why I went vegan in the first place! I am going vegan again immediately.
Toxin Bonus: Toxic PVC Plastics
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Advocacy
WTF! I somehow only just realized that not only with a subsequent birth do I have to be an "advocate" for being able to have a baby that lives after having a stillbirth child. I will also have to be a VBAC advocate! Am I using the wrong words here! Is advocate the right thing to call myself? Or would hopeful for the birth of a living child, and extremely hopeful for a VBAC! My friends in Canada are saying that I am now a vbactivist! Hey man (I mean woman) I can dig that!
This is so freaking crazy, I am going to have to be "strong" enough to push myself (with lots of labor and Pro-VBAC support help, My DH, Possibly an OB, CNM's, Doula and a Hypnobirth Professional) to go through labor (of course DH is going to have to be strong too, and all of these people are going to be supporting him as well!), to birth a child, and additionally everyone will be working to help support me to avoid a repeat cesarean.
What a crazy situation. What a crazy scenario we find ourselves in.
Why am I even thinking about this right now!
Why am I not writing about the baby who was born from my womb nearly 6 months ago? 6 months ago, 6 months ago.
Birdie would be almost 6 months old, and I am thinking about subsequent labor and birth. I am not even pregnant yet.
Birdie, I don't want to be thinking the things I am having to think about.
I just want you HERE with US!
Were you telling me something in the dream I had of you? Was that sweet little caress you gave to my hand telling me something? Or am I totally crazy that you were telling me that everything is ok, that you are ok. Is there something more to the dream? Will you come to me again when I am sleeping? As sad as it was to see you that way, to know you were dying...it was also very bittersweet, so very bittersweet. For those moments in my dream I felt reunited with you, I got to be with you for a short time while you were alive and outside of my womb. You felt like you did when I held you in the hospital, you looked like you did in the hospital and you smelled like you did in the hospital.
I miss your beautiful and sweet baby smell.
I miss you.
I love you.
WTF! I somehow only just realized that not only with a subsequent birth do I have to be an "advocate" for being able to have a baby that lives after having a stillbirth child. I will also have to be a VBAC advocate! Am I using the wrong words here! Is advocate the right thing to call myself? Or would hopeful for the birth of a living child, and extremely hopeful for a VBAC! My friends in Canada are saying that I am now a vbactivist! Hey man (I mean woman) I can dig that!
This is so freaking crazy, I am going to have to be "strong" enough to push myself (with lots of labor and Pro-VBAC support help, My DH, Possibly an OB, CNM's, Doula and a Hypnobirth Professional) to go through labor (of course DH is going to have to be strong too, and all of these people are going to be supporting him as well!), to birth a child, and additionally everyone will be working to help support me to avoid a repeat cesarean.
What a crazy situation. What a crazy scenario we find ourselves in.
Why am I even thinking about this right now!
Why am I not writing about the baby who was born from my womb nearly 6 months ago? 6 months ago, 6 months ago.
Birdie would be almost 6 months old, and I am thinking about subsequent labor and birth. I am not even pregnant yet.
Birdie, I don't want to be thinking the things I am having to think about.
I just want you HERE with US!
Were you telling me something in the dream I had of you? Was that sweet little caress you gave to my hand telling me something? Or am I totally crazy that you were telling me that everything is ok, that you are ok. Is there something more to the dream? Will you come to me again when I am sleeping? As sad as it was to see you that way, to know you were dying...it was also very bittersweet, so very bittersweet. For those moments in my dream I felt reunited with you, I got to be with you for a short time while you were alive and outside of my womb. You felt like you did when I held you in the hospital, you looked like you did in the hospital and you smelled like you did in the hospital.
I miss your beautiful and sweet baby smell.
I miss you.
I love you.
Monday, August 27, 2007
YES To VBAC & I 100% support Mayan Mass.age
So, when I posted about Mayan Mass.age some of you also asked if I/we are thinking of VBAC for our next child. The answer is WE SURE AS HECK ARE!
I wanted a vaginal birth for Birdie more than anything! Well, we all know how that turned out. I do hope for a VBAC, as I know just how possible it is to have one. The hospital where I think that we will be next time is totally PRO VBAC, even the OB who performed my c-sec.tion. (I am able to have a VBAC, because I did have a horizontal c-sec.tion, the "bikini cut" if you will.)
As far as where to deliver, we are keeping our options open. So many mistakes were made at the hospital we were at, and I do feel some anxiety around this. It's just that I am hopeful that things will/would have changed with their policies and procedures after what happened. The truth is though, I don't know. I don't think that if I ask anyone there they will be able to tell me anything. I don't know that they are allowed to talk to us about it, and thats weird too. I am not totally sure about that, but the CNM that I used to be in contact with never gets back to me anymore, and I don't know what that's about. Maybe she has been told not to be in contact with me outside of the CNM office environment?
I just don't know.
There used to be another community hospital 20 mins north of us that had CNM's practicing there. For some reason, that hospital in the past year or so decided that they were no longer going to allow CNM's to practice at that facility. This has been a huge shock, and a blow to the community nearby the hospital. A rather liberal, hippy, sort of liberal yuppy community. Anyways, how this was allowed to happen I don't know, but its sad and I think its a terrible shame to take that option and choice away from mothers.
So, for our susequent birth we are left with two options:
1. Go back to the same hospital, with familiar CNM's & OB
2. Go to a much larger unfamiliar city hospital, with CNM's & lots of OB's
I am going to be doing more research into the #2 option, as we can't rule it out.
However I am not yet sure if they are PRO VBAC or not.
It is very clear to us that with a subsequent labor and delivery....that the baby is what is most important. I know that I have to let go of so called "ro.mantic notions" of birth. However, I will not let go of thinking that my body does know how to birth a baby, therefore I would like to still have some choices:
1. VBAC
2. VBAC in birth tub if this is an option
3. Freedom to move around while in labor, change positions etc.
4. NO drugs (unless the pain brings me back my scary memories of laboring Birdie in the hospital, and I become terrified and cannot relax)
5. Option to bring our own bedding (comforter, sheets, pillows, music, comfort foods etc.
6. Immediate bonding with baby, as long as baby is ok, wait to measure and weight etc. I just want for us to be able to hold that baby right away, to nurse right away, to nurse and hold baby as long as we want!
7. Not to feel rushed about anything
There are so many things to consider, to think about.
And I am not even pregnant yet! We have to wait 3 more months for that, DAMNIT!
So, when I posted about Mayan Mass.age some of you also asked if I/we are thinking of VBAC for our next child. The answer is WE SURE AS HECK ARE!
I wanted a vaginal birth for Birdie more than anything! Well, we all know how that turned out. I do hope for a VBAC, as I know just how possible it is to have one. The hospital where I think that we will be next time is totally PRO VBAC, even the OB who performed my c-sec.tion. (I am able to have a VBAC, because I did have a horizontal c-sec.tion, the "bikini cut" if you will.)
As far as where to deliver, we are keeping our options open. So many mistakes were made at the hospital we were at, and I do feel some anxiety around this. It's just that I am hopeful that things will/would have changed with their policies and procedures after what happened. The truth is though, I don't know. I don't think that if I ask anyone there they will be able to tell me anything. I don't know that they are allowed to talk to us about it, and thats weird too. I am not totally sure about that, but the CNM that I used to be in contact with never gets back to me anymore, and I don't know what that's about. Maybe she has been told not to be in contact with me outside of the CNM office environment?
I just don't know.
There used to be another community hospital 20 mins north of us that had CNM's practicing there. For some reason, that hospital in the past year or so decided that they were no longer going to allow CNM's to practice at that facility. This has been a huge shock, and a blow to the community nearby the hospital. A rather liberal, hippy, sort of liberal yuppy community. Anyways, how this was allowed to happen I don't know, but its sad and I think its a terrible shame to take that option and choice away from mothers.
So, for our susequent birth we are left with two options:
1. Go back to the same hospital, with familiar CNM's & OB
2. Go to a much larger unfamiliar city hospital, with CNM's & lots of OB's
I am going to be doing more research into the #2 option, as we can't rule it out.
However I am not yet sure if they are PRO VBAC or not.
It is very clear to us that with a subsequent labor and delivery....that the baby is what is most important. I know that I have to let go of so called "ro.mantic notions" of birth. However, I will not let go of thinking that my body does know how to birth a baby, therefore I would like to still have some choices:
1. VBAC
2. VBAC in birth tub if this is an option
3. Freedom to move around while in labor, change positions etc.
4. NO drugs (unless the pain brings me back my scary memories of laboring Birdie in the hospital, and I become terrified and cannot relax)
5. Option to bring our own bedding (comforter, sheets, pillows, music, comfort foods etc.
6. Immediate bonding with baby, as long as baby is ok, wait to measure and weight etc. I just want for us to be able to hold that baby right away, to nurse right away, to nurse and hold baby as long as we want!
7. Not to feel rushed about anything
There are so many things to consider, to think about.
And I am not even pregnant yet! We have to wait 3 more months for that, DAMNIT!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I Dreamt Of Birdie
Just before I woke this morning I was dreaming about Birdie.
I was dreaming that she was ALIVE, she was alive and she was trying to nurse from my left breast. She was trying so hard to latch on but she just could not. I also remember knowing in the dream that she was going to die, and because of this I had already dried up my milk supply. Even though I knew that in the dream, I just wanted her to be able to nurse. I can remember knowing in the dream that she was going to die, and so she hadn't eaten anything. It was like she was for some reason having to just starve to death, but then I had my left breast out of my shirt and she began trying to nurse, she was trying so hard, and I was trying to help her to gently latch on....but it just wasn't happening.
Then I remember thinking in the dream that I should try to splash warm water on my nipple, that maybe that would help bring back my milk....maybe that would help her latch on.
So, I carried her limp body in my arms into the bathroom with me and I was looking in the bathroom mirror which was a long mirror, it went from above my head to below my belly. I could see all of me and her, and me holding her, and I began to sob as I saw myself holding her. I was holding her and she was still alive, and then I remember seeing my nipple and it was inverted inside my breast now....it was retracting itself. I looked again into the mirror because Birdie had started to rub one of my fingers, lovingly like a baby a little older than her would start to do. She was rubbing my finger and it felt like she was saying she loved me. It felt like she was telling me she knew she was dying, but "it's ok mama", its ok and I love you mama.
To see myself in this dream holding Birdie, holding my baby while she was still alive is beyond any words. This was the first dream (that I can remember) that I have had about Birdie since I was pregnant. The dream I had when I was pregnant was how I just knew that our baby would be a girl. I dreamnt of her then, and she was a stark blonde little girl, around age 2. In that dream she was with her Papa (i think holding his hand)...and she turned to look at me, her eyes were so blue just like her Papa's and she was gorgeous...and that was all....from that dream I knew we would have a baby girl, our Birdie. DH had also dreamnt about Birdie while I was pregnant...He dreamnt about swimming with her....and she was stark blonde and they were swimming together underwater...floating together.
Yesterday I went for my first Mayan Massage, if you have never heard of this type of massage it is a Uterine Massage, to bring the uterus back into balance, to bring one's self back into balance.
Mayan Massage was reccomended by our Doula, especially after my having a c-section, to help to try to minimize hard scar tissue from forming, to bring my uterus back to center and to help my uterus (the heart of my body) to heal.
So yesterday I went to a local LMT who specializes in Mayan Massage (she studied this in Belize), and it was really very healing, very lovely. She found that my uterus is a little to the left (normal after having a baby), and tipped a little forward. So, Meaning to bring my uterus back into balance, everyday I am to do "self care", and she showed me the techniques to use. It feels so important to bring my uterus back to center, as this will be important for our subsequent pregnancy (another reason to wait 9 months to ttc).
I am completely focused on my health, my body, my uterus. I feel I need to be even more healthy than I was before I became pregnant with Birdie. My mind might still be a little numb from my grief, but that is ok. I am in a place of being able to care for my grief gently, I can ebb and flow with this grief healthfully.
Here is what I look like now, 5+ months after Birdie.
Just before I woke this morning I was dreaming about Birdie.
I was dreaming that she was ALIVE, she was alive and she was trying to nurse from my left breast. She was trying so hard to latch on but she just could not. I also remember knowing in the dream that she was going to die, and because of this I had already dried up my milk supply. Even though I knew that in the dream, I just wanted her to be able to nurse. I can remember knowing in the dream that she was going to die, and so she hadn't eaten anything. It was like she was for some reason having to just starve to death, but then I had my left breast out of my shirt and she began trying to nurse, she was trying so hard, and I was trying to help her to gently latch on....but it just wasn't happening.
Then I remember thinking in the dream that I should try to splash warm water on my nipple, that maybe that would help bring back my milk....maybe that would help her latch on.
So, I carried her limp body in my arms into the bathroom with me and I was looking in the bathroom mirror which was a long mirror, it went from above my head to below my belly. I could see all of me and her, and me holding her, and I began to sob as I saw myself holding her. I was holding her and she was still alive, and then I remember seeing my nipple and it was inverted inside my breast now....it was retracting itself. I looked again into the mirror because Birdie had started to rub one of my fingers, lovingly like a baby a little older than her would start to do. She was rubbing my finger and it felt like she was saying she loved me. It felt like she was telling me she knew she was dying, but "it's ok mama", its ok and I love you mama.
To see myself in this dream holding Birdie, holding my baby while she was still alive is beyond any words. This was the first dream (that I can remember) that I have had about Birdie since I was pregnant. The dream I had when I was pregnant was how I just knew that our baby would be a girl. I dreamnt of her then, and she was a stark blonde little girl, around age 2. In that dream she was with her Papa (i think holding his hand)...and she turned to look at me, her eyes were so blue just like her Papa's and she was gorgeous...and that was all....from that dream I knew we would have a baby girl, our Birdie. DH had also dreamnt about Birdie while I was pregnant...He dreamnt about swimming with her....and she was stark blonde and they were swimming together underwater...floating together.
Yesterday I went for my first Mayan Massage, if you have never heard of this type of massage it is a Uterine Massage, to bring the uterus back into balance, to bring one's self back into balance.
Mayan Massage was reccomended by our Doula, especially after my having a c-section, to help to try to minimize hard scar tissue from forming, to bring my uterus back to center and to help my uterus (the heart of my body) to heal.
So yesterday I went to a local LMT who specializes in Mayan Massage (she studied this in Belize), and it was really very healing, very lovely. She found that my uterus is a little to the left (normal after having a baby), and tipped a little forward. So, Meaning to bring my uterus back into balance, everyday I am to do "self care", and she showed me the techniques to use. It feels so important to bring my uterus back to center, as this will be important for our subsequent pregnancy (another reason to wait 9 months to ttc).
I am completely focused on my health, my body, my uterus. I feel I need to be even more healthy than I was before I became pregnant with Birdie. My mind might still be a little numb from my grief, but that is ok. I am in a place of being able to care for my grief gently, I can ebb and flow with this grief healthfully.
Here is what I look like now, 5+ months after Birdie.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Why Does This Have To Happen To Anyone?
Why?
With all of the medical expertise in this world why?
Why in this country of so many specialists and so called specialized medicine can we not explain, and/or prevent so many babies from being stillborn? Maybe because there is no money to be made in finding an answer?
Why for that matter is our healthcare industry so ill with greed? How have we let this happen?
I feel so fucking helpless these days, helpless because I couldn't do a damn thing to save my own child. Helpless because my (our) government really doesn't give a shit about its own people. I have no faith in the US "government", they lie, they steal and then lie some more. Do they laugh behind all of our backs?
These days I am just so livid, I am so angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY!
I want to scream, I want to go back in time and pull Birdie from my womb. Go back and just dig into my belly and rescue her precious body. I want to go back in time and not choose homebirth, I want to go back in time and save her. I miss her so much.
We are about 5 1/2 months away from her. So far from laboring with her, so far from birthing her, so far from that first moment with her, so far from touching her skin while it was still warm, so far from seeing her skin while it was still pink. We are just so far away from her....so far, so far, SO FUCKING FAR! Damnit!
Right now, in this moment as I am writing these words I feel writhing pain in my bones, in my heart. I am just broken, if you blew on me I would crumble like ash. I would crumble like Birdie's ashes....I would crumble with her.
Oh how I miss my girl, I miss her so terribly.
On days like today, when I try and stay busy and "not think"...its so easy for me to just crash. Add in some beautiful, ethereal music like Amiina, Sigur Ros and Mum and I am done for!
I feel defeated.
Time to go to the gym.
BIRDIE I LOVE YOU!
Why?
With all of the medical expertise in this world why?
Why in this country of so many specialists and so called specialized medicine can we not explain, and/or prevent so many babies from being stillborn? Maybe because there is no money to be made in finding an answer?
Why for that matter is our healthcare industry so ill with greed? How have we let this happen?
I feel so fucking helpless these days, helpless because I couldn't do a damn thing to save my own child. Helpless because my (our) government really doesn't give a shit about its own people. I have no faith in the US "government", they lie, they steal and then lie some more. Do they laugh behind all of our backs?
These days I am just so livid, I am so angry. I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY!
I want to scream, I want to go back in time and pull Birdie from my womb. Go back and just dig into my belly and rescue her precious body. I want to go back in time and not choose homebirth, I want to go back in time and save her. I miss her so much.
We are about 5 1/2 months away from her. So far from laboring with her, so far from birthing her, so far from that first moment with her, so far from touching her skin while it was still warm, so far from seeing her skin while it was still pink. We are just so far away from her....so far, so far, SO FUCKING FAR! Damnit!
Right now, in this moment as I am writing these words I feel writhing pain in my bones, in my heart. I am just broken, if you blew on me I would crumble like ash. I would crumble like Birdie's ashes....I would crumble with her.
Oh how I miss my girl, I miss her so terribly.
On days like today, when I try and stay busy and "not think"...its so easy for me to just crash. Add in some beautiful, ethereal music like Amiina, Sigur Ros and Mum and I am done for!
I feel defeated.
Time to go to the gym.
BIRDIE I LOVE YOU!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
As The Months Pass By
So we are 5 months away from Birdie. I cannot believe that 5 months has simply just slipped on by...that life has continued, that the earth has still been turning on it's axis.
For a very long time it sure did not feel like the world was moving forward. We were at a stand still, with a shrowd of heavy heavy pain and excrutiating sorrow.
Only now I can say that the world does feel like it is moving forward...and we have begun to move with it. We are not "moving on" or forgetting our baby girl, no NOT AT ALL, she moves forward with us.
A month or so ago I was in a very very dark place, my body and mind felt so heavy. It felt really scary to be in that place, but yet I felt that I needed to be there and I needed to be able to wallow there for a little bit. I knew that at some point I would come out of it. Well, now I think that I have moved through the darkest hours and I am coming up for air. I'm not treading on my tears like I was, and hope has surfaced. DH and I have definately done a lot of hard grief work these last months...we had to, we have no other choice. We have had to be strong, we have had to get through the darkness and find ourselves again. We had to do it for Birdie, for ourselves and for our future. We know that our grief work is not done, but that maybe the hardest of it for now is past?
In the next few days I am going to post Birdie's story again as I revised it slightly and added more details, and this time I will post it with photos. I feel glad? to be able to share Birdie's story with more people (via The Alt3rnative B1rth Anth0logy), people who would not otherwise know about her. Her story and our experience feels too important not to share it.
As I was looking through all our photos and trying to decide what one's to submit with her Birth story to TABA I felt like I needed to share them again with you. I think that some of them are one's that I had not shared as of yet.
Every time I look at our photos of Birdie I am absolutely struck by her beauty. I just cannot believe how gorgeous she is, I gush and tear up. Wow, what a lovely baby she is, and we made her....we made her.
So we are 5 months away from Birdie. I cannot believe that 5 months has simply just slipped on by...that life has continued, that the earth has still been turning on it's axis.
For a very long time it sure did not feel like the world was moving forward. We were at a stand still, with a shrowd of heavy heavy pain and excrutiating sorrow.
Only now I can say that the world does feel like it is moving forward...and we have begun to move with it. We are not "moving on" or forgetting our baby girl, no NOT AT ALL, she moves forward with us.
A month or so ago I was in a very very dark place, my body and mind felt so heavy. It felt really scary to be in that place, but yet I felt that I needed to be there and I needed to be able to wallow there for a little bit. I knew that at some point I would come out of it. Well, now I think that I have moved through the darkest hours and I am coming up for air. I'm not treading on my tears like I was, and hope has surfaced. DH and I have definately done a lot of hard grief work these last months...we had to, we have no other choice. We have had to be strong, we have had to get through the darkness and find ourselves again. We had to do it for Birdie, for ourselves and for our future. We know that our grief work is not done, but that maybe the hardest of it for now is past?
In the next few days I am going to post Birdie's story again as I revised it slightly and added more details, and this time I will post it with photos. I feel glad? to be able to share Birdie's story with more people (via The Alt3rnative B1rth Anth0logy), people who would not otherwise know about her. Her story and our experience feels too important not to share it.
As I was looking through all our photos and trying to decide what one's to submit with her Birth story to TABA I felt like I needed to share them again with you. I think that some of them are one's that I had not shared as of yet.
Every time I look at our photos of Birdie I am absolutely struck by her beauty. I just cannot believe how gorgeous she is, I gush and tear up. Wow, what a lovely baby she is, and we made her....we made her.
Monday, August 06, 2007
The Story of Our Baby Birdie
By Birdies Mama
(To Be Published In The Alt3rnative B1rth Anthology, Volume 1)
Our first child, Birdie Amiina Ruby was born st1ll on March 3rd 2007 at 3:34am, she was pronounced dead at 4:10am. She weighed 9 lbs, 5 oz and measured 22 inches long.
For almost my whole pregnancy and even before I became pregnant, I always felt that I had a desire to have a hom3b1rth. When I was around 6 weeks pregnant we decided on a place for my pr3-natal care, a group of six reputable CNM's. After meeting the m1dwives I felt very confident, although I was still very curious about hom3b1rth, however we could not afford it. Since I was receiving state medical care hom3b1rth was just not an option. Yet still I wondered, would having a homebirth be a better choice? Would having our baby at home be a gentler, safer choice for me and the baby? Again, we were very happy with the care I and the baby were receiving from the CNM's, they were all so great. Then at a meeting with our D0ula, she suggested that she could make it possible for us to have the homebirth we wanted. She was apprenticing as a hom3b1rth m1dwife, and that m1dwife agreed to take us as clients. So, we made the choice together after asking many, many questions, and under the guidance of our D0ula. Around 36 weeks that we made the final decision, and my husband and I felt really good about it. We also made sure to discuss our choice to have a hom3b1rth with our CNM's, and they were supportive as many of them themselves had had hom3b1rth. My pregnancy had been so incredibly blissful, no problems, no worries. I enjoyed being pregnant so much, I ate an almost 100% organic diet, drank only filtered water and kept to my v3getarian ways with no problem. Nobody could see any reason why we should not have a hom3b1rth, and so that is what we planned on.
From almost the start of my pr3gnancy I had been "bl0gging" about it. It was an easy way for us to share with family and friends how I and the baby were doing. Every month we would post a photo or two of my belly, and share a little about how I was feeling or the activity of the baby. It was such a fun way to share my pr3gnancy and my excitement. Even up to the days leading up to my labor, I was still posting pictures and words on the bl0g. When my labor began, and then stalled. I was sure to share the news. Here are my last two blog entries before things really got going during my labor, the first is from the morning after I had had some "bl0ody sh0w."
Thursday March 1, 2007
MORNING UPDATE!
Hello how are you all doing out there in bl0ggerland?
Just a little update for you. Last night around 1:30am I had a bit of "bl0ody show".....yes my mucus plug as it is also often called began really making an appearance. To go along with it I had a few not to hard to handle "c0ntracti0ns", which I really prefer to call "rushes". I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep last night as my mind was whizzing all about with thoughts about anything and everything to come! Then of course the heating pipe in our room was making sounds, and Matt and Macy were sound asl3ep snooring.....and I had some intense c0ntracti0ns. I did however manage to fall asleep a few hours later I would estimate.....and I woke up and had some minor cramping at the most. I called one of our midwives around 9:30am to let her know what was going on, and she said to go about my day as usual and make sure to make time for resting. So, I am about to have some tea and take a lovely nap. So my dears, things are moving along.....I do ask that you sit tight though, this could take another day or so. All in good time.
It's really hard for me to read this. My words are so full of excitement and j0y. I can still remember how I was feeling at that point, totally elated and just so beside myself with happiness. Little could we have know what was to come, "All in good time."
Thursday March 1, 2007
EVENING UPDATE
We had a lovely relaxing day today...things had slowed as I think that I wrote in the last post. I was really happy to have my Matty home with me today, to spend time together...and for the chance that my c0ntracti0ns could pick back up at any point and things would get going on a regular pattern. Macy (our dog) also had a lovely day today with her uncle R0n, she is so tired out and it's very adorable. We just had a yummy dinner of home made organic pizza....with pesto, asparagus, mushrooms, Italian seasoned tofu, broccoli and some organic cheese. I also had Matt take some photos of my b3lly so that you all can see how much it has dropped, we don't have a mirror in our house besides the bathroom so photos are really the only way I get to see my b3lly other than the view I get when I look down! Things are still st@lled a bit....oh but a lot more of my mucus plug came out after I took a long amazing nap today. Ok, ok here are some photos from just a little while ago, and its just about 9pm right now.
That was my last post on the blog, my last excitement filled post....we were just so happy and beside ourselves. Every minute that passed was bringing us closer and closer to meeting our baby.
That night we went to sleep so innocent and so naive, and we didn't get more than an hour or so of sleep before my labor really began to kick in. The rushes were so mighty, so powerful. I could not believe how intense they were. I will not lie it was painful...but I kept telling myself that it was pain with a purpose and that I could endure it. I knew that I could, and so I did. I knew I had to ride it out, because I wanted to be able to feel everything about my labor.
I l@bored with her at home for 24 hours with our team of hom3b1rth m1dwives. I l@bored, and l@bored and l@bored. I was in the b1rth tub, in the shower, on the bed, walking around, moving my h1ps, taking a walk, back in the tub. I just did what felt right, whatever I felt would help to lessen the intense pain from the c0ntracti0ns. Now I question if the incredibly excruciating pain I felt was right? Was there something wrong and the pain was more intense than it should have been? Was it normal that I did not feel my baby m0ving at all during lab0r? The morning that my lab0r had begun and then stalled I mentioned that I had not really been feeling her move to one of our hom3b1rth m1dw1ves, as I did feel a little concerned about this, but she told me that this was normal. She said that when my body is c0ntr@cting that the baby "bears down" and does not really move.
When I was in the thick of lab0r I didn't even cross my mind to ask about this again, nor was I asked if I felt her moving...at least I don't remember being asked. I have questioned myself so many times about this, I have also questioned if what was told to me was right. Should I have been asked more about the babies m0vements, or non m0vements at that point? I know that all of those things are seen as "normal" in a hom3b1rth situation, but what if I had still been with the CNM's and called them and asked them about the baby not really moving? Would I have been asked to come in for an Ultras0und to check on her? Would that have changed the outcome? There are just so many questions, and we simple have no answers. No answers.
Then, suddenly after 24 hours of lab0ring at home, our baby's heart r@te b0tt0med out into the 80's. This occurred 0ut of n0where. Up to that point her heart r@te had been fine. Every 15-20 minutes it was being checked and every time it had been in the 140's, 150's, her heart rate had been healthy, normal whatever you want to call it. She had been fine, totally fine. She showed no signs of distress up to that p0int. Until she suddenly wasn't 0k, she wasn't handling lab0r well anymore. The midwives checked and re-checked her heart rate while I was in the tub and there was n0 change, I was immediately t0ld to stand up and they checked her heart r@te again, n0 change, they had me move onto the bed and lay 0n my side and there was n0 change. One of our m1dwives got on the phone and called our backup m1dwife 0n call, t0 let her kn0w that there was an em3rgency and we would be coming in right away. At that moment I became c0mpletely silent and even more focused on br3athing for my baby, I d0n't know if I was scared or in sh0ck. I did not really notice at the time, but I had also st0pped feeling my c0ntractions. My husband got me dressed, and we tried to rush to the hospital that is normally 3 mins away from our h0use. However, the weather that night was very c0ld and icy, so the windshield was icy the driving was sl0w...it took us 5-7 minutes to get to the hospital. Then when we arrived at the hospital em3rgency door nobody was there waiting to let us in, a minute or two went by before s0meone finally came to let us in. Then I, a very pregnant, and very much in lab0r w0man, with a baby is f3tal distress had to walk/wadle as fast as I could down the hall to the elevator to bring us to the B1rth C3nter. I did not think about it at the time, but why was there n0body waiting by that emergency door to let us in as soon as we arrived, they knew that we had an emergency situation and we would be there quickly. Why did the person who opened the door for us not have a wh3elchair for me? If they had had a wheelchair I could have been brought to the B1rth C3nter much more swiftly. It seemed as though right from the start 0ur situation was not being taken as seriously as it should have been. The 0B on call was not even paged until a few minutes after we got into the r0om at the B1rth C3nter. From the time we left the house to the time we got into my room at the h0spital 15 minutes or so had passed. How precious those moments were, they were the last minutes and seconds of our babies L1fe.
When we finally got into the room, things only got worse, they put a F3tal H3art Monit0r on my belly, and tried to find B1rdies h3art b3at and couldn't 0r they were not sure if they were getting my heart rate or the babies, they turned me on both sides to see if her h3art r@te would increase, it didn't (0ne of our hom3b1rth m1dwives moved the str1p around and found it, in the same place she had found it throughout my labor up to that point). The nurses then gave me an IV and 0xygen. I r3member the nurses were fumbling around doing all sorts of things, they had me m0ve from one side to the other rolling me on a sheet. They were trying to see if changing my position would help B1rdie, but it didn't. Nothing was helping, so then I was told to get into the knee chest p0sition. Sometime during all of this cha0s someone paged the 0B on call to come in, and then I was told I was going to have an em3rgency C-S3ction. B1rdie was in 0bvious d1stress, I was so scared for her and there was nothing I could do but try to br3athe for her. I was so h3lpless to do anything for this ch1ld that I had nurtured and fall3n in love with. So many th0ughts were going through my head all at once, so many thoughts that it was as if I was not even thinking. I was just so z0ned into my br3athing and trying to help 0ur baby survive. All the while there was my husband t0tally t3rrified and f3eling so helpless and scared. He didn't kn0w what to d0, but he was there by my s1de, he was there w@tching all of this unf0ld, and not knowing where it was going to l3ad. He kn3w that things did n0t lo0k g0od, and there was n0thing he could d0. N0t only was he sc@red for 0ur baby, but he was scared for me t0o.
When I was finally finished being pr3pped for surg3ry (the nurses could not even find the things they needed to pr3p my b3lly), as I was r0lled into the hall to the 0R, I was then t0ld that and I had t0 l3ave my husband b3hind. That is when the really d3ep f3ar and sh0ck set in. Up to then, I had been having this exp3rience with h1m by my side h3lping me and c0mforting me. Now our w0rld had become turn3d upside d0wn. How could we have gone from being so bl1ssfully happy to c0mpletely t3rrified about my l@b0ring this b@by? What the hell was happening? It was like the w0rst surr3al l@b0r n1ghtmare m0vi3 ever made, but it was really happening to us!
As I enter3d the 0R I really, really, really g0t scare3, and I was trying to keep 0n br3athing de3ply for B1rdie, I was trying so v3ry hard to s3nd h3r 0xygen she so d3sperately n3eded, and only I c0uld supply. I was still in the knee ch3st p0sition, and I r3member the nurses in the 0R fumbl1ng around some more, this time they could not get the h3art r@te m0nitor to w0rk. I r3member them saying things about the machine, and they could not tell if it was unplugged or br0ken. Then I was t0ld I had to g3t up onto the 0perating table (n0body helped me to do this) and I r3member thinking why isn't any0ne helping me do this, I am in l@b0r and this is an emerg3ncy and I am REALLY VERY PR3GNANT and awkw@rd. I had to get myself onto a small skinny hard surface, and lying fl@t on my back or any surface was a bad idea, and s0mething I had forg0tten that I should not do. Months earli3r at a check up with the CNM's as the m1dwife was listening to B1rdies h3art r@te I began to feel like I was going to pass 0ut, there was to0 much pr3ssure being put on my b@ck. I had to sit up immediat3ly, I was w0ozy, naseated, and sweaty. So from then on I always had a pillow pr0pped under the side of my back to prevent that from happening again.
When I think of what happened next in the 0R I wonder if lying flat on my back on the 0perating t@ble is what might have caused this situation t0 happen: After I got 0nto the table, and was lying on my back I was pr3pped for an3sthesia, and very shortly after I remember one of our b@ckup CNM's coming into the room and telling me sh3 was going to br3ak my w@ter with a f3tal sc@lp m0nitor, I felt my w@ter b@g br3ak and then I h3ard her say that there was n0 h3artbe@t, it was immediately after I heard that that I began ch0king and could n0t br3athe, I had been l0oking up at the L1ghts in the c3iling and everything just went wh1te...and I was still ch0king and trying to reach for my n3ck to signal to everyone in the room that I could not breathe because I was ch0king and could not scream, nor could I move my l1mbs...it was as if I was paralyz3d! I was t3rrified and th0ught I was dy1ng, thoughts of my b@by and my husband f1lled my mind and fl@shed by. Even when that was happening to me, I could h3ar everything g0ing on around me, people yelling my name, people trying to ask me what was wr0ng. Suddenly I started to br3athe again, as the ana3sthesiologist was b@gging me and that a1r rushed right into to my wait1ng lungs, then I could see again, and I saw the air bag on my face.
Almost immediately after I came t0, I was immediately given an3sthesia and the surge0n rushed into the 0R and began my emergency C-S3cti0n, she had 0ur b@by out of my b0dy in 3 m1nutes. B1rdie was b0rn at 3:34 am on Saturday M@rch 3rd. In the moments before the surg3ry, as I was ch0king and gasp1ng for a1r it was like I could feel my b@by, my daught3r leav1ng m3, when I lo0k at those preci0us moments in my m1nd and think about them really cl3arly and de3ply I can see that perhaps the reason everything went wh1te, and I started to ch0ke was because she was saying go0dbye, or maybe I was saying go0dbye t0o...maybe I was dy1ng with her and she w0uldn't let me go. She sent me b@ck, and she wanted me to see that beaut1ful and pure col0r of white that f1lled my eyes, maybe that was what she was s3eing through the lay3rs of my w0mb, that br1ght beaut1ful white. The 0B who perform3d my C-S3ction thought that I had had a se1zure due to t0xem1a, but after many many bl0od tests they found that not to be the c@se. I believe that what had happened was a m0ment of pure l0ve between me and my b@by. Her h3art had st0pped b3ating and she was L3aving me, I believe that 0ur c0nnection was so str0ng that she was able to sho0w me what she saw as sh3 was dy1ng ins1de my w0mb. She was say1ng g0odbye, and tell1ng me h0w much sh3 l0ved me; and that is the 0nly expl@nation I want to beL1eve.
After she was b0rn, the p3diatr1cian and nurses tr1ed to resusc1tate her for 30 m1nutes, they kept trying because when she was b0rn they saw she was st1ll s0 p1nk and looked like she had l1fe with1n her. They did not want to give up 0n her, but after 30 minutes they st0pped. I was told that the ped1atrician with tears in his ey3s went out to tell my husband that our b@by had d1ed. He told my husband that sh3 was "so p1nk when she was born, and she looked as though she was just th3re, like she had just had l1fe within h3r."
When I f1nally woke up from surg3ry, I saw and heard an 0R nurse and one of our backup m1dwives cry1ng, and I knew something was terr1bly wr0ng. I did not hear the sound of a b@by cry1ng and that seemed strange. I could f3el throughout my b0dy that something was wr0ng, something had happ3ned to B1rdie. It took me a few minutes to become c0herent, I was turning my head from s1de to s1de and then I saw my husband, and he said "B1rdie didn't make it." "B1rdie didn't make it." I did n0t beli3ve him, I couldn't b3lieve what he was say1ng. I wanted to scr3am but I was t0o w3ak.
My b0dy felt such immed1ate abs0lute l0ve and l0nging for 0ur darL1ng little b@by g1rl (we did not kn0w we were hav1ng a g1rl, we just felt it all along) and at the same time such de3p hurt1ng and sorr0w. A s0rrow that ach3d and still aches to the c0re of my b0nes. The CNM quickly went to an0ther ro0m to get B1rdie and br1ng her t0 us (she had br0ught B1rdie out to my husband after the p3diatric1an had given up trying to rev1ve her, but my husband want3d me to be the 0ne to hold her f1rst). She was s0 amaz1ngly and stunn1ngly beaut1ful. She IS amaz1ngly and stunn1ngly beaut1ful. What an incred1bly special c0nnecti0n we made when I first saw my beaut1ful b@by, I kn3w she was g0ne but she was st1ll so amaz1ng and she was 0urs. I could not bel1eve that my husband and I had m@de h3r. The immed1ate and 0verflowing l0ve for h3r was so p0werful, there are no words to descr1be that kind of l0ve. I have never been so struck by such an incred1bly p0werful, str1king em0tion. When I think about that first m0ment with her, I am br0ught right back to it and it f3els s0 real to me. Fr0m the first m0ment I t0uched her and h3ld her, I never wanted to let g0 of her b0dy, she felt s0 pres3nt even th0ugh her h3art was not beat1ng and she had n0 senses....I c0uld feel her there with me. I can try t0 write words to express my c0nnection with her, but there are n0 words for such feel1ngs and pure, raw emoti0n. It means everything to keep her in 0ur life t0gether, for us th3re is n0 other ch0ice. B1rdie, 0ur daughter is a hug3 int3gral part of who we are n0w, we m@de her...we gave her L1fe! She is alw@ys with us.
Its unb3arable liv1ng with the d3ath of 0ur b@by and I don't really know how we manage to get through each day, but we d0. We have each 0ther and great support around us when we need it. The magn1tude of what happened has begun to sink into our m1nds, and some days are hard3r than others. Some days I barely functi0n, I just feel so s@d and depr3ssed and helpl3ss. Everyday I replay what happened, and it is still very cl3ar for me. I can stay in any 0ne of the moments from when things started to look bl3ak, to when I knew I was going to have an 3merg3ncy C-S3ction, to feeling like I almost d1ed, and then after waking from the surg3ry and seeing my husband and him telling me "B1rdie didn't make it". It's a bad dr3am and we are L1ving it. I have gone from being a r3ally happy person full of L1fe and excitement to a person who d0esn't really care if I get 0ut of bed some days. Without the de3p l0ve of my husband I could not surv1ve this. Shortly after we got h0me from the h0spital, I received a letter from a dear friend who l0st a b@by in the past year to m1scarriage. She l0st her b@by in the 2nd tr1mester. In her letter she told me her family is befr1ended to His H0liness The Dalai Lama. After the l0ss of her b@by, someone in her family asked The Dalai Lama what to say to s0meone who loses a child. In response he said:"Be1ngs are only in this world to work out their Karma." What a simple and beautiful thing to say. In the moment that I read that in her letter to me, it made sense. I hold onto this, and it helps.
There was a moment when we were st1LL in the h0spital and had B1rdie with us, that I kind of th0ught something similar to what the Dalai Lama said. I had started thinking ab0ut how my husband and I had made her, and I was so bl3ssed to be able to have felt her m0ve ins1de me, that she was (and st1ll is) 0ur b@by, she had been al1ve with L1fe, energy and m0vement! She had 9 m0nths with us, and we had 9 m0nths with her...she had that time "To work out her Karma." What beautiful Karma she was able to work out.
All in all, B1rdie had life ins1de my w0mb. I know she was a happy b@by and I know she felt and can st1ll feel the tremend0us l0ve we have for her. She is such a special chi1ld...our sweet little B1rdie. We think of her every time we see or hear birds singing, I hope you all will to.
Birdie we love you so ENORMOUSLY!
Side note:
The c0mmunity h0spital B1rth Cent3r that we had as 0ur backup has a p0licy that the 0B can live up to 30 minutes away, so if there is an em3rgency they are paged to c0me in. We feel like its abs0lutely redicul0us that this p0licy exists, because it took a lot longer than 30 minutes for her to get to the h0spital early that icy crappy winter morning. I have since asked if what happened to B1rdie, could enc0urage their policy to change. In the case of a true em3rgency in the middle of the night like B1rdie's was....30 minutes is TOO MUCH time! Now I question th0se 30+ minutes, that span of time waiting for the 0B to get to the 0R to save our b@by. Simply put, it was to0 much time, B1rdie never had a chance. H0spital p0licies where the exact thing we were trying to av0id with having a hom3b1rth! It seems like either way, 0ur daughter did n0t have a chance to L1ve.
In the hours and days following B1rdie's d3ath we were treated with greatest and most gentle care by the nurs1ng and m1dwives at the h0spital. We were assigned our own nurse each sh1ft and they were all just s0 sweet to us. We were enc0uraged to keep B1rdie with us in our r0om as long as we wanted, and we had her with us for 3 days. For h3alth reasons after 3 days she had to g0 to the m0rgue to be c0oled. Those three days were all we had to make mem0ries with her, and we did. We were als0 encouraged to take ph0tographs, and being a ph0tographer that was something I felt I had to do. One of our hom3b1rth m1dwives also contacted a ph0tographer from the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization to come and ph0tograph us as a fam1ly. We feel so lucky to have the many ph0tographs of her and her with us. We also feel glad that the B1rth C3nter staff was so kind and sens1tive and enc0uraging of us to have her with us in our ro0m. We could not and would not have been able to just let them take h3r away, we needed that time with h3r. We needed to see her and h0ld her as much as we got to in those 3 days.
I also want to say, if you are thinking or planning to have a hom3b1rth, please check ahead of time with your m1dwives about the p0licies and pr0cedures of the back up h0spitals and CNM's that they w0rk with. Or be sure that your m1dwives are aware of all of the p0licies of the h0spitals that they work with. Our hom3b1rth midwives were n0t fully aware of the 30 minute policy of the O0B living within 30 minutes of the h0spital should an em3rgency situati0n happen.
August 6th, 2007
It is now 5 m0nths since B1rdie d1ed, and we still have n0 answers for what happened. There were n0 signs of anything 0n my plac3nta, or the c0rd. I think that sometimes the intensity of lab0r for some bab1es is just t0o much, and for B1rdie it was. Maybe it had something to do with her size, 9lbs 5 oz, 22 inches l0ng! She was a big g1rl, a big and very str1kingly beautiful b@by. We miss her s0 much, every moment, every second. The pa1n is not as close to the surface all the time, but is s0 very easily found there. It is still so easy to look at her ph0tos and just cry and cry. This exper1ence has shaken us to our c0re, we have l0st our inn0cence about pr3gnancy and b1rth, we have l0st the bL1ssfulness of l@bor and the excitement of anticipation of b1rth. We are no longer na1ve. I want to add that what happened to o0ur b@by is not as rare as people might th1nk, there are a few st1Llbirth studies out there, some say st1Llbirth happen to 1 of every 115 b1rths, some say 1 of every 150. Whatever the real statistics may be, it happens more 0ften than you might think. Although more often st1Llbirth happens in the hospital, it also does happen at home, and it can happen while in l@bor.
By Birdies Mama
(To Be Published In The Alt3rnative B1rth Anthology, Volume 1)
Our first child, Birdie Amiina Ruby was born st1ll on March 3rd 2007 at 3:34am, she was pronounced dead at 4:10am. She weighed 9 lbs, 5 oz and measured 22 inches long.
For almost my whole pregnancy and even before I became pregnant, I always felt that I had a desire to have a hom3b1rth. When I was around 6 weeks pregnant we decided on a place for my pr3-natal care, a group of six reputable CNM's. After meeting the m1dwives I felt very confident, although I was still very curious about hom3b1rth, however we could not afford it. Since I was receiving state medical care hom3b1rth was just not an option. Yet still I wondered, would having a homebirth be a better choice? Would having our baby at home be a gentler, safer choice for me and the baby? Again, we were very happy with the care I and the baby were receiving from the CNM's, they were all so great. Then at a meeting with our D0ula, she suggested that she could make it possible for us to have the homebirth we wanted. She was apprenticing as a hom3b1rth m1dwife, and that m1dwife agreed to take us as clients. So, we made the choice together after asking many, many questions, and under the guidance of our D0ula. Around 36 weeks that we made the final decision, and my husband and I felt really good about it. We also made sure to discuss our choice to have a hom3b1rth with our CNM's, and they were supportive as many of them themselves had had hom3b1rth. My pregnancy had been so incredibly blissful, no problems, no worries. I enjoyed being pregnant so much, I ate an almost 100% organic diet, drank only filtered water and kept to my v3getarian ways with no problem. Nobody could see any reason why we should not have a hom3b1rth, and so that is what we planned on.
From almost the start of my pr3gnancy I had been "bl0gging" about it. It was an easy way for us to share with family and friends how I and the baby were doing. Every month we would post a photo or two of my belly, and share a little about how I was feeling or the activity of the baby. It was such a fun way to share my pr3gnancy and my excitement. Even up to the days leading up to my labor, I was still posting pictures and words on the bl0g. When my labor began, and then stalled. I was sure to share the news. Here are my last two blog entries before things really got going during my labor, the first is from the morning after I had had some "bl0ody sh0w."
Thursday March 1, 2007
MORNING UPDATE!
Hello how are you all doing out there in bl0ggerland?
Just a little update for you. Last night around 1:30am I had a bit of "bl0ody show".....yes my mucus plug as it is also often called began really making an appearance. To go along with it I had a few not to hard to handle "c0ntracti0ns", which I really prefer to call "rushes". I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep last night as my mind was whizzing all about with thoughts about anything and everything to come! Then of course the heating pipe in our room was making sounds, and Matt and Macy were sound asl3ep snooring.....and I had some intense c0ntracti0ns. I did however manage to fall asleep a few hours later I would estimate.....and I woke up and had some minor cramping at the most. I called one of our midwives around 9:30am to let her know what was going on, and she said to go about my day as usual and make sure to make time for resting. So, I am about to have some tea and take a lovely nap. So my dears, things are moving along.....I do ask that you sit tight though, this could take another day or so. All in good time.
It's really hard for me to read this. My words are so full of excitement and j0y. I can still remember how I was feeling at that point, totally elated and just so beside myself with happiness. Little could we have know what was to come, "All in good time."
Thursday March 1, 2007
EVENING UPDATE
We had a lovely relaxing day today...things had slowed as I think that I wrote in the last post. I was really happy to have my Matty home with me today, to spend time together...and for the chance that my c0ntracti0ns could pick back up at any point and things would get going on a regular pattern. Macy (our dog) also had a lovely day today with her uncle R0n, she is so tired out and it's very adorable. We just had a yummy dinner of home made organic pizza....with pesto, asparagus, mushrooms, Italian seasoned tofu, broccoli and some organic cheese. I also had Matt take some photos of my b3lly so that you all can see how much it has dropped, we don't have a mirror in our house besides the bathroom so photos are really the only way I get to see my b3lly other than the view I get when I look down! Things are still st@lled a bit....oh but a lot more of my mucus plug came out after I took a long amazing nap today. Ok, ok here are some photos from just a little while ago, and its just about 9pm right now.
That was my last post on the blog, my last excitement filled post....we were just so happy and beside ourselves. Every minute that passed was bringing us closer and closer to meeting our baby.
That night we went to sleep so innocent and so naive, and we didn't get more than an hour or so of sleep before my labor really began to kick in. The rushes were so mighty, so powerful. I could not believe how intense they were. I will not lie it was painful...but I kept telling myself that it was pain with a purpose and that I could endure it. I knew that I could, and so I did. I knew I had to ride it out, because I wanted to be able to feel everything about my labor.
I l@bored with her at home for 24 hours with our team of hom3b1rth m1dwives. I l@bored, and l@bored and l@bored. I was in the b1rth tub, in the shower, on the bed, walking around, moving my h1ps, taking a walk, back in the tub. I just did what felt right, whatever I felt would help to lessen the intense pain from the c0ntracti0ns. Now I question if the incredibly excruciating pain I felt was right? Was there something wrong and the pain was more intense than it should have been? Was it normal that I did not feel my baby m0ving at all during lab0r? The morning that my lab0r had begun and then stalled I mentioned that I had not really been feeling her move to one of our hom3b1rth m1dw1ves, as I did feel a little concerned about this, but she told me that this was normal. She said that when my body is c0ntr@cting that the baby "bears down" and does not really move.
When I was in the thick of lab0r I didn't even cross my mind to ask about this again, nor was I asked if I felt her moving...at least I don't remember being asked. I have questioned myself so many times about this, I have also questioned if what was told to me was right. Should I have been asked more about the babies m0vements, or non m0vements at that point? I know that all of those things are seen as "normal" in a hom3b1rth situation, but what if I had still been with the CNM's and called them and asked them about the baby not really moving? Would I have been asked to come in for an Ultras0und to check on her? Would that have changed the outcome? There are just so many questions, and we simple have no answers. No answers.
Then, suddenly after 24 hours of lab0ring at home, our baby's heart r@te b0tt0med out into the 80's. This occurred 0ut of n0where. Up to that point her heart r@te had been fine. Every 15-20 minutes it was being checked and every time it had been in the 140's, 150's, her heart rate had been healthy, normal whatever you want to call it. She had been fine, totally fine. She showed no signs of distress up to that p0int. Until she suddenly wasn't 0k, she wasn't handling lab0r well anymore. The midwives checked and re-checked her heart rate while I was in the tub and there was n0 change, I was immediately t0ld to stand up and they checked her heart r@te again, n0 change, they had me move onto the bed and lay 0n my side and there was n0 change. One of our m1dwives got on the phone and called our backup m1dwife 0n call, t0 let her kn0w that there was an em3rgency and we would be coming in right away. At that moment I became c0mpletely silent and even more focused on br3athing for my baby, I d0n't know if I was scared or in sh0ck. I did not really notice at the time, but I had also st0pped feeling my c0ntractions. My husband got me dressed, and we tried to rush to the hospital that is normally 3 mins away from our h0use. However, the weather that night was very c0ld and icy, so the windshield was icy the driving was sl0w...it took us 5-7 minutes to get to the hospital. Then when we arrived at the hospital em3rgency door nobody was there waiting to let us in, a minute or two went by before s0meone finally came to let us in. Then I, a very pregnant, and very much in lab0r w0man, with a baby is f3tal distress had to walk/wadle as fast as I could down the hall to the elevator to bring us to the B1rth C3nter. I did not think about it at the time, but why was there n0body waiting by that emergency door to let us in as soon as we arrived, they knew that we had an emergency situation and we would be there quickly. Why did the person who opened the door for us not have a wh3elchair for me? If they had had a wheelchair I could have been brought to the B1rth C3nter much more swiftly. It seemed as though right from the start 0ur situation was not being taken as seriously as it should have been. The 0B on call was not even paged until a few minutes after we got into the r0om at the B1rth C3nter. From the time we left the house to the time we got into my room at the h0spital 15 minutes or so had passed. How precious those moments were, they were the last minutes and seconds of our babies L1fe.
When we finally got into the room, things only got worse, they put a F3tal H3art Monit0r on my belly, and tried to find B1rdies h3art b3at and couldn't 0r they were not sure if they were getting my heart rate or the babies, they turned me on both sides to see if her h3art r@te would increase, it didn't (0ne of our hom3b1rth m1dwives moved the str1p around and found it, in the same place she had found it throughout my labor up to that point). The nurses then gave me an IV and 0xygen. I r3member the nurses were fumbling around doing all sorts of things, they had me m0ve from one side to the other rolling me on a sheet. They were trying to see if changing my position would help B1rdie, but it didn't. Nothing was helping, so then I was told to get into the knee chest p0sition. Sometime during all of this cha0s someone paged the 0B on call to come in, and then I was told I was going to have an em3rgency C-S3ction. B1rdie was in 0bvious d1stress, I was so scared for her and there was nothing I could do but try to br3athe for her. I was so h3lpless to do anything for this ch1ld that I had nurtured and fall3n in love with. So many th0ughts were going through my head all at once, so many thoughts that it was as if I was not even thinking. I was just so z0ned into my br3athing and trying to help 0ur baby survive. All the while there was my husband t0tally t3rrified and f3eling so helpless and scared. He didn't kn0w what to d0, but he was there by my s1de, he was there w@tching all of this unf0ld, and not knowing where it was going to l3ad. He kn3w that things did n0t lo0k g0od, and there was n0thing he could d0. N0t only was he sc@red for 0ur baby, but he was scared for me t0o.
When I was finally finished being pr3pped for surg3ry (the nurses could not even find the things they needed to pr3p my b3lly), as I was r0lled into the hall to the 0R, I was then t0ld that and I had t0 l3ave my husband b3hind. That is when the really d3ep f3ar and sh0ck set in. Up to then, I had been having this exp3rience with h1m by my side h3lping me and c0mforting me. Now our w0rld had become turn3d upside d0wn. How could we have gone from being so bl1ssfully happy to c0mpletely t3rrified about my l@b0ring this b@by? What the hell was happening? It was like the w0rst surr3al l@b0r n1ghtmare m0vi3 ever made, but it was really happening to us!
As I enter3d the 0R I really, really, really g0t scare3, and I was trying to keep 0n br3athing de3ply for B1rdie, I was trying so v3ry hard to s3nd h3r 0xygen she so d3sperately n3eded, and only I c0uld supply. I was still in the knee ch3st p0sition, and I r3member the nurses in the 0R fumbl1ng around some more, this time they could not get the h3art r@te m0nitor to w0rk. I r3member them saying things about the machine, and they could not tell if it was unplugged or br0ken. Then I was t0ld I had to g3t up onto the 0perating table (n0body helped me to do this) and I r3member thinking why isn't any0ne helping me do this, I am in l@b0r and this is an emerg3ncy and I am REALLY VERY PR3GNANT and awkw@rd. I had to get myself onto a small skinny hard surface, and lying fl@t on my back or any surface was a bad idea, and s0mething I had forg0tten that I should not do. Months earli3r at a check up with the CNM's as the m1dwife was listening to B1rdies h3art r@te I began to feel like I was going to pass 0ut, there was to0 much pr3ssure being put on my b@ck. I had to sit up immediat3ly, I was w0ozy, naseated, and sweaty. So from then on I always had a pillow pr0pped under the side of my back to prevent that from happening again.
When I think of what happened next in the 0R I wonder if lying flat on my back on the 0perating t@ble is what might have caused this situation t0 happen: After I got 0nto the table, and was lying on my back I was pr3pped for an3sthesia, and very shortly after I remember one of our b@ckup CNM's coming into the room and telling me sh3 was going to br3ak my w@ter with a f3tal sc@lp m0nitor, I felt my w@ter b@g br3ak and then I h3ard her say that there was n0 h3artbe@t, it was immediately after I heard that that I began ch0king and could n0t br3athe, I had been l0oking up at the L1ghts in the c3iling and everything just went wh1te...and I was still ch0king and trying to reach for my n3ck to signal to everyone in the room that I could not breathe because I was ch0king and could not scream, nor could I move my l1mbs...it was as if I was paralyz3d! I was t3rrified and th0ught I was dy1ng, thoughts of my b@by and my husband f1lled my mind and fl@shed by. Even when that was happening to me, I could h3ar everything g0ing on around me, people yelling my name, people trying to ask me what was wr0ng. Suddenly I started to br3athe again, as the ana3sthesiologist was b@gging me and that a1r rushed right into to my wait1ng lungs, then I could see again, and I saw the air bag on my face.
Almost immediately after I came t0, I was immediately given an3sthesia and the surge0n rushed into the 0R and began my emergency C-S3cti0n, she had 0ur b@by out of my b0dy in 3 m1nutes. B1rdie was b0rn at 3:34 am on Saturday M@rch 3rd. In the moments before the surg3ry, as I was ch0king and gasp1ng for a1r it was like I could feel my b@by, my daught3r leav1ng m3, when I lo0k at those preci0us moments in my m1nd and think about them really cl3arly and de3ply I can see that perhaps the reason everything went wh1te, and I started to ch0ke was because she was saying go0dbye, or maybe I was saying go0dbye t0o...maybe I was dy1ng with her and she w0uldn't let me go. She sent me b@ck, and she wanted me to see that beaut1ful and pure col0r of white that f1lled my eyes, maybe that was what she was s3eing through the lay3rs of my w0mb, that br1ght beaut1ful white. The 0B who perform3d my C-S3ction thought that I had had a se1zure due to t0xem1a, but after many many bl0od tests they found that not to be the c@se. I believe that what had happened was a m0ment of pure l0ve between me and my b@by. Her h3art had st0pped b3ating and she was L3aving me, I believe that 0ur c0nnection was so str0ng that she was able to sho0w me what she saw as sh3 was dy1ng ins1de my w0mb. She was say1ng g0odbye, and tell1ng me h0w much sh3 l0ved me; and that is the 0nly expl@nation I want to beL1eve.
After she was b0rn, the p3diatr1cian and nurses tr1ed to resusc1tate her for 30 m1nutes, they kept trying because when she was b0rn they saw she was st1ll s0 p1nk and looked like she had l1fe with1n her. They did not want to give up 0n her, but after 30 minutes they st0pped. I was told that the ped1atrician with tears in his ey3s went out to tell my husband that our b@by had d1ed. He told my husband that sh3 was "so p1nk when she was born, and she looked as though she was just th3re, like she had just had l1fe within h3r."
When I f1nally woke up from surg3ry, I saw and heard an 0R nurse and one of our backup m1dwives cry1ng, and I knew something was terr1bly wr0ng. I did not hear the sound of a b@by cry1ng and that seemed strange. I could f3el throughout my b0dy that something was wr0ng, something had happ3ned to B1rdie. It took me a few minutes to become c0herent, I was turning my head from s1de to s1de and then I saw my husband, and he said "B1rdie didn't make it." "B1rdie didn't make it." I did n0t beli3ve him, I couldn't b3lieve what he was say1ng. I wanted to scr3am but I was t0o w3ak.
My b0dy felt such immed1ate abs0lute l0ve and l0nging for 0ur darL1ng little b@by g1rl (we did not kn0w we were hav1ng a g1rl, we just felt it all along) and at the same time such de3p hurt1ng and sorr0w. A s0rrow that ach3d and still aches to the c0re of my b0nes. The CNM quickly went to an0ther ro0m to get B1rdie and br1ng her t0 us (she had br0ught B1rdie out to my husband after the p3diatric1an had given up trying to rev1ve her, but my husband want3d me to be the 0ne to hold her f1rst). She was s0 amaz1ngly and stunn1ngly beaut1ful. She IS amaz1ngly and stunn1ngly beaut1ful. What an incred1bly special c0nnecti0n we made when I first saw my beaut1ful b@by, I kn3w she was g0ne but she was st1ll so amaz1ng and she was 0urs. I could not bel1eve that my husband and I had m@de h3r. The immed1ate and 0verflowing l0ve for h3r was so p0werful, there are no words to descr1be that kind of l0ve. I have never been so struck by such an incred1bly p0werful, str1king em0tion. When I think about that first m0ment with her, I am br0ught right back to it and it f3els s0 real to me. Fr0m the first m0ment I t0uched her and h3ld her, I never wanted to let g0 of her b0dy, she felt s0 pres3nt even th0ugh her h3art was not beat1ng and she had n0 senses....I c0uld feel her there with me. I can try t0 write words to express my c0nnection with her, but there are n0 words for such feel1ngs and pure, raw emoti0n. It means everything to keep her in 0ur life t0gether, for us th3re is n0 other ch0ice. B1rdie, 0ur daughter is a hug3 int3gral part of who we are n0w, we m@de her...we gave her L1fe! She is alw@ys with us.
Its unb3arable liv1ng with the d3ath of 0ur b@by and I don't really know how we manage to get through each day, but we d0. We have each 0ther and great support around us when we need it. The magn1tude of what happened has begun to sink into our m1nds, and some days are hard3r than others. Some days I barely functi0n, I just feel so s@d and depr3ssed and helpl3ss. Everyday I replay what happened, and it is still very cl3ar for me. I can stay in any 0ne of the moments from when things started to look bl3ak, to when I knew I was going to have an 3merg3ncy C-S3ction, to feeling like I almost d1ed, and then after waking from the surg3ry and seeing my husband and him telling me "B1rdie didn't make it". It's a bad dr3am and we are L1ving it. I have gone from being a r3ally happy person full of L1fe and excitement to a person who d0esn't really care if I get 0ut of bed some days. Without the de3p l0ve of my husband I could not surv1ve this. Shortly after we got h0me from the h0spital, I received a letter from a dear friend who l0st a b@by in the past year to m1scarriage. She l0st her b@by in the 2nd tr1mester. In her letter she told me her family is befr1ended to His H0liness The Dalai Lama. After the l0ss of her b@by, someone in her family asked The Dalai Lama what to say to s0meone who loses a child. In response he said:"Be1ngs are only in this world to work out their Karma." What a simple and beautiful thing to say. In the moment that I read that in her letter to me, it made sense. I hold onto this, and it helps.
There was a moment when we were st1LL in the h0spital and had B1rdie with us, that I kind of th0ught something similar to what the Dalai Lama said. I had started thinking ab0ut how my husband and I had made her, and I was so bl3ssed to be able to have felt her m0ve ins1de me, that she was (and st1ll is) 0ur b@by, she had been al1ve with L1fe, energy and m0vement! She had 9 m0nths with us, and we had 9 m0nths with her...she had that time "To work out her Karma." What beautiful Karma she was able to work out.
All in all, B1rdie had life ins1de my w0mb. I know she was a happy b@by and I know she felt and can st1ll feel the tremend0us l0ve we have for her. She is such a special chi1ld...our sweet little B1rdie. We think of her every time we see or hear birds singing, I hope you all will to.
Birdie we love you so ENORMOUSLY!
Side note:
The c0mmunity h0spital B1rth Cent3r that we had as 0ur backup has a p0licy that the 0B can live up to 30 minutes away, so if there is an em3rgency they are paged to c0me in. We feel like its abs0lutely redicul0us that this p0licy exists, because it took a lot longer than 30 minutes for her to get to the h0spital early that icy crappy winter morning. I have since asked if what happened to B1rdie, could enc0urage their policy to change. In the case of a true em3rgency in the middle of the night like B1rdie's was....30 minutes is TOO MUCH time! Now I question th0se 30+ minutes, that span of time waiting for the 0B to get to the 0R to save our b@by. Simply put, it was to0 much time, B1rdie never had a chance. H0spital p0licies where the exact thing we were trying to av0id with having a hom3b1rth! It seems like either way, 0ur daughter did n0t have a chance to L1ve.
In the hours and days following B1rdie's d3ath we were treated with greatest and most gentle care by the nurs1ng and m1dwives at the h0spital. We were assigned our own nurse each sh1ft and they were all just s0 sweet to us. We were enc0uraged to keep B1rdie with us in our r0om as long as we wanted, and we had her with us for 3 days. For h3alth reasons after 3 days she had to g0 to the m0rgue to be c0oled. Those three days were all we had to make mem0ries with her, and we did. We were als0 encouraged to take ph0tographs, and being a ph0tographer that was something I felt I had to do. One of our hom3b1rth m1dwives also contacted a ph0tographer from the "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" organization to come and ph0tograph us as a fam1ly. We feel so lucky to have the many ph0tographs of her and her with us. We also feel glad that the B1rth C3nter staff was so kind and sens1tive and enc0uraging of us to have her with us in our ro0m. We could not and would not have been able to just let them take h3r away, we needed that time with h3r. We needed to see her and h0ld her as much as we got to in those 3 days.
I also want to say, if you are thinking or planning to have a hom3b1rth, please check ahead of time with your m1dwives about the p0licies and pr0cedures of the back up h0spitals and CNM's that they w0rk with. Or be sure that your m1dwives are aware of all of the p0licies of the h0spitals that they work with. Our hom3b1rth midwives were n0t fully aware of the 30 minute policy of the O0B living within 30 minutes of the h0spital should an em3rgency situati0n happen.
August 6th, 2007
It is now 5 m0nths since B1rdie d1ed, and we still have n0 answers for what happened. There were n0 signs of anything 0n my plac3nta, or the c0rd. I think that sometimes the intensity of lab0r for some bab1es is just t0o much, and for B1rdie it was. Maybe it had something to do with her size, 9lbs 5 oz, 22 inches l0ng! She was a big g1rl, a big and very str1kingly beautiful b@by. We miss her s0 much, every moment, every second. The pa1n is not as close to the surface all the time, but is s0 very easily found there. It is still so easy to look at her ph0tos and just cry and cry. This exper1ence has shaken us to our c0re, we have l0st our inn0cence about pr3gnancy and b1rth, we have l0st the bL1ssfulness of l@bor and the excitement of anticipation of b1rth. We are no longer na1ve. I want to add that what happened to o0ur b@by is not as rare as people might th1nk, there are a few st1Llbirth studies out there, some say st1Llbirth happen to 1 of every 115 b1rths, some say 1 of every 150. Whatever the real statistics may be, it happens more 0ften than you might think. Although more often st1Llbirth happens in the hospital, it also does happen at home, and it can happen while in l@bor.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Birdie Is Making Her Presence Known
It's been a long while since I have posted. I just haven't had too many words to say, but I have been thinking a whole lot. In the past few days DH have had some wildlife encounters that are obvious signs of Birdies presence.
Today I got an email from DH and this is what it said:
"This is exactly what i saw at work today. I saw a fluttering and
looked up and it was just landing on the sill outside. It stayed for
a while long enough to let me take its picture and then flew away...
oh birdie, we love you too..."
Here is the picture he was speaking of:
Matt's desk is right along 3 huge windows...so he gets to see birds, butterflies etc.
Today, a butterfly just happened to land right on the windowsill....it just happened to land right next to his photo of Birdie that is on his desk.
Yesterday while I was outside in the yard putting out bird seed I had a bird fly in between my legs. It literally flew in between my legs...I had shorts on and I felt its wings gently brush against my skin. After that happened I was just standing there lauphing, like holy crap, did that really happen? What are the chances that someone is out in their yard and a bird just decides to fly that close to them....or between their legs!
Birdie may not be here in her baby flesh, but boy does her spirit follow us around and she sure makes her presence known! We absolutely love it!
More to come...I need to finish my work week....its so distracting, I just want to write about Birdie!
It's been a long while since I have posted. I just haven't had too many words to say, but I have been thinking a whole lot. In the past few days DH have had some wildlife encounters that are obvious signs of Birdies presence.
Today I got an email from DH and this is what it said:
"This is exactly what i saw at work today. I saw a fluttering and
looked up and it was just landing on the sill outside. It stayed for
a while long enough to let me take its picture and then flew away...
oh birdie, we love you too..."
Here is the picture he was speaking of:
Matt's desk is right along 3 huge windows...so he gets to see birds, butterflies etc.
Today, a butterfly just happened to land right on the windowsill....it just happened to land right next to his photo of Birdie that is on his desk.
Yesterday while I was outside in the yard putting out bird seed I had a bird fly in between my legs. It literally flew in between my legs...I had shorts on and I felt its wings gently brush against my skin. After that happened I was just standing there lauphing, like holy crap, did that really happen? What are the chances that someone is out in their yard and a bird just decides to fly that close to them....or between their legs!
Birdie may not be here in her baby flesh, but boy does her spirit follow us around and she sure makes her presence known! We absolutely love it!
More to come...I need to finish my work week....its so distracting, I just want to write about Birdie!
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