little birdie, little bunny...

36 Week Belly & Baby Bunny Baby Carrier Done!





Tonight I finished the Mei Tei carrier Yipee!!! It was hard work only because my back started to hurt many times from all the pressing and pinning. The back pain was SO worth it! I can't believe that I made this myself, it's so adorable and perfect for Bunny. Notice the front panel fabric, it has little birds on it!

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO READY!

OK, so I only just on the cusp of 36 weeks, but tomorrow is 36 WEEKS!

Yesterday while driving to our hypnotherapist, I became overwhelmed with feeling that this baby is going to come much earlier than everyone thinks. Of course these feelings could just be excitement, but maybe not. I have been visualizing and talking to Bunny about October 10 as being the date that labor begins...a quick and easy labor and birth, 5-6 hrs in length. It's been part of our self-hypnosis for birth the visualize the labor and birth. Then last night at our hypnotherapist session, I asked if we could do some labor and birth work, and the labor I envisioned then was even more fast and beautiful. Maybe this all sounds a little silly, but I really don't give a crap! It's getting me through this pregnancy with a healthy mind, and it has given me such confidence that I can do this, that things will be different this time.

We had a pre-nantal apt this morning, my weight seems to have finally slowed down...I gained only 2 pounds in 2 weeks (compared to when I was pregnant with Birdie, it was like 6-10 pounds each visit!). So, I feel good about that and I think it's because I have been getting so much more exercise with this pregnancy. I am still getting to the Y 3 times a week, on the elliptical for 30-50 mins and 30-60 min walks each day with Macy! It just feels so great to get out and exercise! Oh, and Bunny is head down, slightly posterior (Birdie was completely posterior -hence the long labor), so I am sitting and rocking on my birthing ball, and soon will begin to crawl around on all fours much like Macy to turn this baby to anterior!!!

I am in the process of sewing a Mei Tai baby carrier, I am nearly done, all that is left are the straps! This is really exciting for me because for the longest time I have been wanting to get back into sewing, and I had lost my confidence in my ability to do it, but this carrier is coming out so nice and adorable! I hope to finish it up this weekend, and will post photos.

The other thing that I have been doing...is photographing Birdie's things. All that we have acquired and been given as gifts for her that has lived in her co-sleeper for the last year and a half. I had been putting this off, as I knew it would be hard for me/us to remove these things from the co-sleeper. However, last weekend Matt encouraged me to begin the process, and so I did. I hope to also finish that this weekend, as long as the sun cooperates. It's a very cathardic process, I have to say that if you have things that you too have acquired for your angel babe...perhaps documenting it can bring you some healing and peace too?

We finally wrapped up our birthing plan, after much talk about it...between ourselves, the birthing center and our midwives. We got that into the midwives today. I also found out that I can start taking evening primrose oil, next week I can start blue cohosh and then go from there... meaning that hopefully these things will help my cervix to ripen enough to invite some nice contractions....and then....labor!

Now, if we can just get the rest of the cloth diapers and covers we need, we will really be ready. Everything else is small potatoes at this point, as I know when this baby is born we are going to be surrounded by many who can help us with cooking and cleaning. =)

35 Weeks Now, Belly Photo From 34 Weeks



I have a lot to say, however it will have to wait. I am totally exhausted from walking Macy!

More to come, I promise!

Long Since Forgotten Little Ones...

Do You Have Any Daughters?

It's a really beautiful night here, cool enough to take a long walk with Macy. So, that is just what I did. Midway through our walk we came upon 2 lovely little girls, they saw me and Macy from across the street and they waited to see if I was going to walk their way so I did. At first one of the little girls approached cautiously, she asked if Macy was a Pit, I explained no she wasn't and that while she seemed excited she would not bite her. She was still cautious, but curious about Macy, she pat Macy's head and then...

Out of nowhere, she asked me "Do you have any daughters?"

Wow, I thought to myself, this is one intuitive little girl, or this is just a very strange coincedence. I was wearing no evidence of Birdie, I often don't wear my Birdie jewelery when I excercise. Anyways, I replied to her gently, taking into account her young age (10 or 11 yrs old I guessed). I said, yes, I have a daughter and she is not with us here, then I sort of clumsily said she is up there (pointing to the sky). Then she asked, "How old is she" I said, she would be one and a half. Then she asked "Your going to have a baby?", yes I said, I am. She continued to look upon me with curiousity, I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable so I just said to both the girls, well have a good night, Bye.

They both responded with a nice goodbye. They were so sweet.

Then, I got not even a yard away and the one girl yelled gently, "Wait! What did you say about your daughter?" So, I said, well...when she was born she did not make it, her spirit flew away up into the universe. She said, "Oh, so you don't like to talk about it?" Oh no, I said. We talk about her all the time, I don't mind at all...thank you for asking, it's really nice that you did.

Then I don't really remember what happened, she smiled and turned away...I think she said something like thank you, in response to my telling her I thought it was nice she asked me what she did.

How strange though, a girl I have never seen before out of the blue asking me if I have any daughters? Maybe the dream I had last week about giving birth to this baby is a peek into the future? Yes, I had a dream that I gave birth to this child (a screaming, breathing beautiful live baby!), and upon a closer look, we discovered the child was a girl!

A Family Self-Portrait From 32 Weeks


Birdie is in this photo, only I am standing right in front of the photo of her!

Our Hope For Our Subsequent Birth

Let me just start by saying that I know this is a very touchy, fragile subject for so many of us out there. So, if you think that it might be too much for you to read what I have to say here, please don't force yourself. I have been having so many days of feeling positive (not to be mistaken for naive), that perhaps my getting out these feeling in writing can persuade another loss Mama who is blessed with her subsequent babe to find some sense of renewed hope.

It sounds and feels so strange to me to be able to say that I have made peace with my last labor and birth experience. As you know I have written, thought about and talked extensively about what happened. What was meant to be a gentle birthing experience full of positive vibes and love, turned into a nightmare full of fear and horror.

I have done much soul searching to really try to be fair to my body and mind for this upcoming birth. I feel I must take back our dream to have a safe and comfortable birth experience (and I DO feel very safe at our birthing center). It is only fair for us and this miracle whom we love to call "Bunny". With this pregnancy I have been blessed to work from home, as I did when I was pregnant with Birdie, leaving me a good amount of ME time. Time to read, write, work on photo stuff etc. All of this time to myself has also allowed me to be able to think and work out a lot of my fears, fears that I had just become really tired of having. Holding within me so much negative was getting in the way of me seeing the future, wanting to see the future, to envision how things could and WILL be much different this time, for this baby.

I really do have a good feeling about what is to come, I have to. To dwell and be stuck in that darkness only drags me down to a place I don't want to go to, a place that I have worked through and made peace with. So, I guess what I am saying is that I have allowed myself to move forward, given myself permission to say "YES, I CAN DO THIS!" As I have echoed before, it is only fair to me, my body and this baby to see a good and positive, much different outcome for this pregnancy.

Slowly I had been working my way towards these feelings, but I knew that I also needed the help of a professional to really tackle the deep subconscious stuff. So, last week we (Matt and I) sought out the help of a Hypnotherapist. Our session was very intense and got into the details (nooks and crannies) of Birdie's labor and birth....it was emotional beyond words. However, we were so glad that we went, as it has opened up our hearts and minds that much more to allow positive messages and feelings for this next birth.

Again I also have to say how incredibly helpful the Hypnobabies class is, this class is ALL about being positive about pregnancy and birth, it's just been invaluable to us. I can't recommend Hypnotherapy for Mamas and Papas like us enough, its invaluable for the mind and body.

I really hope that I'm not making myself sound naive here, I know all too well how fast things can change, but I just don't want to linger there in that negative space. I want and NEED to be able to enjoy each day that I am blessed to carry this baby within my womb, just as I did with Birdie. I must be positive so that my emotional state carries me through to a positive labor and birth. So, YES, I AM positive about this pregnancy, I am full of HOPE for this babies birth. This is all not to say that it has been easy to let go of the past (not forget it, no we shall never forget!), of course it hasn't been, but the joy and hope that this baby has brought to us has pushed us to want to live in a re-newed state of hope and love, for ourselves, for Bunny...and our sweet little Birdie who watches over us.