Everybody has a dream...

I came back to the blog today, like I do from time to time. But this time I sat and caught up with it, like you would an old friend who you haven't seen in years.

You chat a bit, you laugh, you smile, you cry some. But no matter what, you realize not even time can break the strongest of bonds.

And so old friend, old pal... old blog, it feels just like yesterday when I wrote that last post from Guangzhou, just before we got too sick to leave the room and I finally broke down and ordered a $50 (US$) sandwich from room service so we'd have food.

Nearly 3 years have passed, but as I reminisced it felt pretty good to read the depth with which I breathed in life and exhaled in the form of my writing. I have missed writing something fierce, though to be honest, soaking in the first few years with Alex was more than a fair trade off. But oh how much I loved spending a few hours tonight reading so many months worth of writing and remembering what it felt like through the appeal process (rip out heart, stuff back in chest, repeat, repeat, repeat) and finally through to the day that wondrous call came through. Magpie no more, she had a name, she had a face and we two, well, we finally both had a family of our own.

Is it time again to pick up pen to paper (or fingers to keys)? Perhaps it is.

I often find I have so much more to say, so much more I want to capture that is just not meant for the quick snipits on facebook. Yes, I do believe the time has come.

And she smiles and heads off to bed. Life is good.

Lots and lots of times I've written about the little things that count so much. Here's a portion of my list from China so far:

• seeing desserts on a buffet in a Chinese restaurant and having them taste like real desserts, not the crap on Chinese buffets at home, really makes my tummy happy :)
• finding out that Ming love pepper steak, finally some foods I have a shot in hell of making!
• the string from the hotel rooms laundry bags makes a great belt for a certain skinny minnie who is far too "long" for size 12 months but far too lean in the waist for 9 months...
• coke lite is my nectar of the gods... when I can find it.
• seeing a real smile from Ming, between she and I, not just the clown circus she puts on at meals for everyone
• the kindness of a families traveling with CCAI and their instant pulling me into their group any time paths cross.
• a good strong internet connection is worth almost as much as coke lite. And a VPN is a godsend.
• looking at weather.com and pulling up the 10 day forecast made me realize, holy cow, I'm looking at the weather from home and I'll be there to enjoy it
• air conditioning.... wish I had it. It's 78F in the hotel room and they still have it set for winter heating... apparently the sauna outside is not yet warm enough to trigger ac! Oh well. Me and MIng are sweating our collective arses off.
• My girl loves chocolate chip cookies.

Today I leave for Guangzhou. I know lots of people say it's like Disney Land and not real China. But right now that's ok. When you travel completely alone, no group, no partner, it's much tougher to get out and about. Add to it that Nanchang is not a place tourists go, it's been challenging to simply walk around and get out of the hotel. So as much as Shamian Island is not considered 'real China' and as much as I've considered it a luxury to experience all I have in her province, I am looking forward to being able to walk around and relax more.

More from Guangzhou.

Snap, boom, whoosh, snap snap snap.

That was the greeting as our driver took us through the gates to the orphanage. It took a moment to realize why and then my guide confirmed it. A few workers had been waiting by the gates for us to drive through so they could set off fireworks, mostly the snap snap snap kind, but there were some smaller ones that went up in the air.

My heart skipped a beat. Not cause I was scared. Nope, but because it was one more reminder of how deeply the kids from this orphanage are loved. so so so deeply.

I can't yet process the full day or talk about it but I am very glad I asked for this visit, then insisted when I got less than lukewarm from the group arranging the travel. But in the end, they arranged it and it was VERY clear it was not the orphanage that was the blocker, just not the norm I guess to have this with the travel group that set things up.

I will say a few things about the day.

I made up my mind before I arrived that I would do my best to just go with the flow, to accept that Ming would likely grieve hard tonight, that I would feel a bit out of place and that Ming would rush into her foster mom's arms. Well, why wouldn't she? This woman raised her every day for the last year and she raised her very well. Ming spent the majority of the day in her arms or the nanny's arms and yes, it was hard for me, but I reminded myself over and over again it was harder for them to let her go.

To sum it up we toured the orphanage, I asked questions, they asked me questions, we shared a huge lunch together, all drove to the finding spot and then said our goodbyes at the orphanage gate. Surprisingly I took very very few photos. I just didn't feel like any picture I could would do the day justice. Luckily, my guide took a number of pictures for me with my camera.

The other thing I'll say, and I've said it before, is that I am very lucky that Ming came to this orphanage. Though what I received today made me very happy, it will really all be Ming's and it will be much more than is normally given to a child adopted. There was the provincial gift of porcelain, but I think that's the norm for everyone in Jiangxi? But beyond that she received:

• a jade necklace with a tiger pendant (her year)
• all of the pictures taken at every monthly physical
• all monthly progress reports
• a copy of the note her birth mom left with her
• a quietly and rushed hand off from the foster mom to me of her address, phone number and email contact info.
• the paper from the day her finding ad was placed
• a beautiful winter outfit that I wish winter would last longer for :)
• a hard bound printed book of pictures of her, her playmates, the orphanage and some children's poems

and last but not least, when I sent the care package I had a personal item forwarded. I bought this question and answer book from a woman online that does it for a business for Chinese adoptions. The book has many pages and nearly 100 questions in it about the child, their life, their background, the general history you'd never get otherwise. The left side of every page is the english version and the right side of the page is the same series of questions in chinese.

Well when I sent it, I asked for them to pick just a few questions to answer, any of them. When I got the book back all of the questions were answered. All of them. I was stunned.

I will never forget the happiness I felt with knowing that one day I can provide so much of her early months to her in photos, in memories and to help her feel a connection to the past.

She deserves all that and so very much more.

I'm in Nanchang now and my first thoughts when I landed was how green it all was, how lush and of course how humid! My guide Shirley described the city as "old" and it definitely is, you can see the centuries of history in lots of different ways.

My hotel room overlooks this temple right smack in the middle of the commercial area. It's an odd contrast to see it all together.

It's a luxury to be travelling right now and to have time to listen to the story of others. It's also a luxury to see her open up at breakfast, to smile, to dance, to laugh.

We walked, we talked, I of course snapped pictures and made myself a general nuisance to those just walking through.
It was lovely even without what happened next.

Le Le motions for us to sit down as she wanted to talk about this one picture and to share something with me. Of all of the hundreds of pictures...




Magpie. A symbol of happiness in Ming's native country. So fitting.

Yes, this story is where she received this nickname from, a nickname that nearly everyone knows her by and some day I'll share with her.

I told the guide when about Magpie's nickname and how special this story is to me. She was surprised, smiled and silence sort of embraced the moment.

• to Julie who's case was extremely similar, both she and her agency put themselves out there. I have no doubt their willingness had a hand in moving forward. Julie, I will forever be indebted to you.
• to my agency, for prooving like many other things in life, size does not matter :). They never gave up and continued to back me until the approval came through (for the 3rd time!!). They may be among the smallest China programs, and we may not always have seen eye to eye (as someone on RQ so kindly pointed out), but in the end, they did what others may not have been able or WILLING to do.
• to my friends who, on a moments notice, had to provide updated referals, guardianship letters... some of them not even knowing it might come up. sorry.
• my neighbors, for taking me in, during what has been 1 of the 2 most difficult times in my life. They kept me simply "moving forward" though I honestly felt like I never would again.  
• to the few, who I took a leap of faith with and shared my pending news. My sincere thanks to the ones who honored my privacy and respected my needs.
• to my team at work, they gave me distance when I needed it and came close when I needed that.
• to every person out there who got personally involved in the life of a stranger, mine. They posted on blogs and facebook accounts, called senators, higher up government officials and individual agencies looking for info, trying to help in any way possible.
• Chris the Chinese Consulate Courier... he's the man, The Man, if you need help in a pinch... I cannot express how screwed up it got and the extremes he went to fixing another courier company's issues.
• to all the people who knew how difficult this was financially and helped out. From clothing to gifts, to helping with house remodeling... the appeal process and 5 years robbed me of a lot financially, but the empty space was filled by friends.
• to the May RQ group, who rallied around me and supported me so completely. it was wonderful to watch all of you receive referrals and complete your dream.
• to Marnie for helping me create a different blog page that got the word out without sacrificing my privacy... those closest to me know privacy for me is important.
• for my old job, who laid me off (f'ers), during the recession, leaving me unable to complete my homestudy at that time... it allowed me to find a job so much better.
• I was especially touched by countless numbers of people who simply dropped me an email, a private message on RQ, or a note on my blog. So so so many offered their love and support and many of them left their phone numbers and simply let me know they were there if I needed them. Many of these individuals I had never met, online or in the real world.
• to my belief that something good has to come from all this... it just couldn't end that way.
• to the Federal Government, in the hopes they don't F up the budget issue and shut down while I'm in China, leaving me stranded at the Embassy, unable to process paperwork...
• To Todd, the travel agent, for getting me good rates, a kick butt airline (Cathay! baby!!!!) and non stop east coast to China and back. What more is there? yeah yeah, 1st class would have been great :) but you can't beat the sense of closeness and oneness in the cheap seats :)
• to that guy in my life. We're stuck in the grey area between past and future, but he's always provided me deep love, friendship and has been my rock. I don't know what the future holds but he's a good man.
• to my neighbors and work again, for both throwing me fabulous showers where the gift of friendship was more important than anything else.
• to the local grocery store for never running out of cup cakes with tons of icing and ben n jerry's during the 'rocky' months of June - October
• my neighbors kids, who never lost the faith. They prayed every night, always letting me know they wanted it to work out. When the referral came, there's nothing like the joy of a child as they yelled and clap and say "baby shower, baby shower".
• to my new boss, who has a heart of gold and has bent over backwards during a very difficult time. he knows that family comes first and when all of my accounts were hijacked and frozen he offfered to pay whatever was needed to get to China.
• to gmail for giving me back my email account after someone stole it... a few days before I left for China and locked me out of every electronic aspect of life including my bank account. wish getting back my email name meant it came with all my history, contacts and emails... but you can't get everything in life.
• to Facebook for recognizing that I am not a spammer, a hacker, a phisher and that yes, someone did hi-jack my account and yes, this is the real me...

to my heart... for opening up again when the time finally came and she arrived in my inbox. This fiesty, spike haired beauty...

last but not least... To the People's Republic of China, for their willingness to hear the appeal of one person, one voice, to listen and for reversing their reversal. I will be forever indebted to them for the rest of my life.

(I am sad that with the temporary loss of my gmail account I permenantly lost all emails... there was a long list of personal thank you's I had in draft but they are now gone. I wish I could have thanked everyone for every helping hand.)

In time I'll share the story around her referral, what all happened and the small details that make a story worth telling.

it's been so hard not to be able to post here for so long about all that's going on. But no matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much I needed to, more important than all that was to ensure in every way possible that a good outcome would happen. And so I remained silent, not able to write, not able to share whether it was regular life or the rollercoaster with the adoption. It's been a dark time like winter, in many more ways than could be imagined.

seriously? No posts for 60 days?

What a slacker.

Anyway, I saw this bumper sticker the other day and it made me laugh, ready?

Over pollution is wrong.


uhhhmmmm. hmmmmm. uhhhh.

so regular pollution is cool?

yes, 3 posts today. But really, these have been floating in my head for days and weeks, but I always think all my posts through and so some take a long time to reach this corner of my world.

I learned a long long long time ago that I am highly attached to sentimental things. Not like a pack rat. Nope.

But I do have a few things from the important people in my life, a few things from important moments in life. They are the things that if I only had "15 min to evacuate the house" I'd want to try to save them all. Some are things for Ming, some are from my childhood, some from my grandparents... pictures too. We all have these things.

But with Ming I have quite a few things that are highly sentimental to me. They are all the things attached to moments of happiness and people who are important to me. One recent gift was unbelievably touching. He had arranged with his mom and sisters in Ecuador to send some things from there. When they arrived I could not believe it. One of his sisters had knitted these GORGEOUS ponchos. I had one when I was a kid and I still remember it. I loved it.

And so my lifetime of a sentimental journey continues. I placed them in her closet and couldn't wait to see her in them.

The last few weeks a lot has been going on.

• The kitchen... torn to pieces and (slowly) coming back together.
• 2 bedrooms painted, chair rail installed.
• All the closets redone and organized.
• A massive pile of 'stuff' for the 'swap shed' is now in the dining area.
• Dresser is purchased for Ming's room, it's gorgeous, and was a bargain!
• The dog has a place to stay for 2 weeks.
• The list of assignments for my team for when I'm gone for 5-6 weeks is done.
• I removed the old sink faucet things and installed the new one.
• bought a bunch of clothes and put away the ones I was given.
• arranged for her care package adn cake for her birthday.
• obtained her finding ad, a bunch of pictures from someone who had met the foster mom and her.
• panicked and worried more times than I care to admit.
• huge bookcase in the living room rearranged to have tons of canvas bins at "Ming Level" for toys, books, etc.
• reinstalled 1 section of kitchen cabinets.

It's a lot.

And of course... shoveled every freakin week about a foot of snow and gave up on the mailbox.

I've had the crib for 5 years, it has always been something I could not part with.

I am oh so grateful I didn't. Not due to the money, but due to how special it is to me.

This weekend he came over (yeah, we are still very very close, not together anymore, but not distant either). He helped me put the crib together, finish the closet organizer and probably a bunch of other small stuff.

He quickly went to assembling the crib. Screws, nuts, bolts all bringing together the crib like a bird making a nest. And ta da, it was done. So I put in the mattress. We pushed, shoved, I mentioned it's supposed to be tight and we finally got it into place... almost. Just had to slide the last part and wedge it in and then it happened. The mattress ripped on the springs/support underneath.

That's when we discovered there was a top and a bottom to that wire rack thing. uh. hmm.

Mattress out, flip it all around, shove it back in, put sheets on and the bumper and admit to each other that the mattress will NEVER be fllipped over. After all, how waterproof are waterproof sheets?

But the crib is together, the book shelf is up, the closet is (nearly) done, just shelves to add in. Some clothes are put away, the room is painted and decorated. Just a few things left to do.

He and I may no longer be an item, but it was a pleasure to share this moment with him. It brought me peace.

Everyone has one, even if they won't admit it.

I have one.

I haven't slept in my bed for over a month, there are lots of reasons, but they all boil down to one clear thing.

My couch is my woobie. It always has been, it always will be. Couches may come and go from my life as the years pass, but curling up and sleeping all snugly is my woobie.

All around me are the signs that a child is coming. A.child.is.coming.

Toys in the corner, bins of clothes everywhere, pails of paint from the 2 rooms I decided to redo, along with the kitchen, all because I wanted to make things right, for her. For Ming. There are piles of new socks on the floor, tiny, tiny, new socks. The colors bright and shiny like I can only hope her smile will be. There's a crib with pretty yellow gingham sheets. There are baby books, toys that make all sorts of noise when you just breath on them.

There are lists. Oh lord, there are lists. Some of the things are actually checked off, but sadly not one thing is really completed. But I'm calm about all that. I've accepted things will not be done. I've accepted that the plumbing, wiring and definitely the tiling will not be finished in time.

There are updates after updates about where in the world my documents currently are. Right now? The US Embassy in Guangzhou.

And there is fear. Terrible, incapacitating fear. There is the reality that 5 years ago when Sophia was born, I was ready. I was most certainly ready. The closets full, the room decorated with love, the books read and read to see how life would unfold for her after she was born.

Irony is being more ready than you realized for the birth of your first child and having it all come crumbling down into a nightmare. Irony is finally coming to believe that a child is going to be joining my life, that I'll be creating a family. And dammit, I am not ready. I admit it. Now that it's finally here I'm panicking.

I cry a lot, I worry, I fear that I won't be good enough for Ming. That I will not give her the love, happiness, safety, joy and fulfillment that she deserves. And sometimes, I admit it, the fear is paralyzing. And this brings me to the coccoon. As I curl up on the sofa with a comfy blanket on me, the TV lulling me to sleep and all around me signs that Ming is really coming, I feel safe. I feel at peace, I feel protected and I count down the nights till I no longer have to sleep on the couch to feel life is going to all work out.

I am not ready. Not one bit ready and I've accepted that. I have no idea when I'll travel, what steps are next or how the hell I'm going to handle this trip alone. I am in denial about the details, but for the first time in my life I think the details are all BS anyway. It's not the details that matters, it's the big stuff. I'm focused on the big stuff and that it will all work out somehow.

My woobie is my couch. I admit it.

New Faucet. Check

Garbage Disposal. Check

Plumber. hmmm, Plumber?

Yeah, minor details.

At least the pattern/material I want for the countertop is still available. If this takes another 6 months probably not :)

The trouble with the long wait was how much life changed, internally and externally. Though yes, some of it was for the best, it also left a lot of time, idle time.

During the truly tough moments I wonder if this was all a sign from God. Okay, I mean sign, after sign, after sign, after sign. That I was not meant to be a mom.

Yes, there are times where I've asked myself that.

A friend says my thread is tangled, a little worse for the wear, but it's still there. Sometimes in the toughest moments when I'm overwhelmed I wonder if it's still intact. I wonder if I'm really gonna be a good mom. I don't need to be great, I just want to be good. And the wait makes me wonder sometimes how well I'll really do.

I'm sure lots of people have doubts as they enter any life changing event. It's normal. But damn these are tough days.

Seriously, is this for real?

Go to bed, wake up, 20 more inches of snow arrived overnight. That's not an exageration. So let me add to my "you know you're in New England When" post:

You know you're in New England when:

1. You live on a dead end road where the town plows, you pay an F-ing arm and leg for with your taxes, decide to clear ONE lane of traffic. Did I mention the dead end? It's not like we can turn it into a one way.
2. You realize your most serious critical mistake when you wake up. You left the shovel outside. Yes, that shovel you will need just to open the front door.
3. You no longer look at your wrap around the whole house deck, likely 750 sf, as an asset. It is now your enemy. And you'll wage war on it, this weekend, hopefully in time to save the deck.
4. The first thing you do is recognize if you don't get the damn dog pen cleared, even the tiniest bit, you're going to be cleaning up the inside of the house, at 5 am.
5. You take your first shovel break 2 hours in... at 7am.
6. You take your second shovel break 4 more hours later... noon. You dry your gloves, coat, etc and hope for the best. And you think, hmm, should eat something. But there's that issue with not grocery shopping that is biting you in the butt.
7. You take your third shovel break 3 more hours later at 4pm. You give up the war, the battle, the fight.
8. The neighbors talk about what tools they have to help each other with the clearing of the roofs that must take place this weekend. In preparation for the 'party', you clear the dog house roof and hope for the best.
9. You have at least 2 meltdowns in the snowbanks wondering how 'this too shall one day pass'.
10. You realize your town just beat a state record for snow and think being number one isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I can honestly say, I don't know how I'm going to make it through this coming week.

Noreaster coming our way Tues/Weds. No. I am not kidding. I try not to listen to news of these events, thinking about it makes me lose it and it's so much better to lose it in a snowbank at 5am.

This will be our 6th major storm in 6 weeks. I left Syracuse because they got a major storm a week... seriously folks. WTF. This state is not set to handle this kind of snow.

You know the movie right? Well where I live it's Ground Hog Day but instead of reporters and talk of spring it's much more so shovels and tons of white stuff.

You know it's New England when:

1. *****No matter what you set the house at, it still feels cold and you resort to using the computer power pack/cord, that always feels hot, as a heater.
2. You spend the night before a storm digging out a path to simply get to the snow blower.
3. The dog house is now an igloo. You decide to leave the snow on top... it's an insulator. Yes, that's the dog house. It's elevated to allow a dog to use in the summer and hang out underneath and then insulated in an enclosure in the back corner.
4. The dog (female) now pees standing up.
5. You look at your parking area/driveway and decide how much of the room, that's left, you can use for the snow over the next 6 weeks. (I'm down to about 1/3 of the starting area and it's at chest height)
6. When shoveling snow you finally say screw it and shovel some into the street.
7. You have a meltdown in a snowbank cause your snowblower isn't running right and there is a fresh 30" of snow to get through...
8. You resort to sleeping downstairs cause there's no heat upstairs and you like it cold at night, but not that cold.
9. The dog no longer screws around taking her sweet time when going out.
10. The plant you work at, when deciding whether or not to shovel the roof, talks about load of snow in terms of hundreds of thousands of pounds and deciding how close to the rating they are willing to get.

And last but not least, you quit watching the weather. The only thing more predictable than the news covering murders, accidents, general negativity, is the weatherman talking about another storm... like the one tomorrow, which follows the one from today.

**** I am very lucky I was at home today when this happened and wasn't just next door with the neighbors or left it on while I was at work... a certain Happy Provider of computers told me 1 year ago the power supply getting hot was normal... really? so hot you can't touch it? Well screw em. Tonight my ass is burning and almost literally. The damn thing sparked, smoked, popped... I quickly unplugged it before a fire started. I am not happy with my Happy Product.

Last night we said goodbye. To say I'm surprised would be a lie. I saw the signs. I was prepared... heck, I planned to start The Conversation that night. But when he started it first I let him go ahead and say it all.

Yes, I did picture him in Ming's life. Yes, for a long time, he talked about wanting a role in her life and hoping one day we'd be a family. Beautiful thought. But we are honestly in different places in our life, more than a decade apart, both having experienced more loss than we should have early on in our lives and the scars are there.

Please don't say "better now than after Ming grew to love him". It doesn't help.

For a long time, ever since the divorce, I had no clue if the adoption was on or off, if I was in or out. It was a constant cycle of holding my breath and then coming up for air every so often. I worried about never getting the chance and then about not being able to do it alone. After all, this is a conscious decision to bring a child into my life, without a father.

I do not take this lightly. And yes, there was a time where I thought he just might have a role to play, but we'd see how things progressed both after the referral and more so when I got home.

But I learned the answer earlier than I thought I would. I always thought if he'd bail it would be during my leave from work after I was home. But instead, I learned it the day I registered for her at a store. He wanted to share in the experience and I let him into that part of my world. My first clue? He wasn't really there, he was, but he really wasn't. He laughed, smiled, listened, answered questions but part of him was clearly missing. It wasn't a lack of sleep or a long week or something else distracting him, it was clear he was there but he wasn't. As we stood in front of the bibs and he scanned in a funny one for me "my mom is hotter than your mom", he also pointed to another one, but then pointed the scanner to floor and did not scan it in.

Often times in life it's not what we say that sends the message. It's not what we do that sends the message. No. More so it's what we don't do when we have the chance to.

The bib? My dad is cuter than your dad.

It's not that I expect him to look at himself as a father figure or that I thought he definitely would be. But the action of walking away from the bib after he pointed it out was like dipping your foot in the pool but not knowing how deep it is so you don't even bother to risk swimming... and that's after you talk up a storm about wanting to swim...

I knew then. Well, I'll be honest. That's the moment I clearly knew... the fog had been circling since her referral. And so while I was living for a few months wondering if I might not be doing this alone after all, I also knew the chances were slim.

At least I was willing to risk. I feel sorry for him on what he's lost out on, I feel sorry for Ming cause he'd be an awesome influence in her life, he's got an incredible way about him with children, I feel sad for us, he and I, also. We've all lost.

And no, the words "better now than later" do not ease the sadness. not one bit.

I must continue to deal with the reality that not only will I be taking Ming from all she's ever known, her culture, her food, her sights and sounds. But I will also do so and bring her into a home with no father figure or role model. To say I think about this from time to time is an understatement.

I don't know how the other single adoptive moms do this but I know we each need to face it in our own way. God just let me do right by Ming.

Something has been on my mind a lot lately. No matter how great something in, relationship always end, it's inevitable. Really, think about it. One person will always leave the other, in life by choice or in death. It happens.

Sometimes you're the one being left, sometimes you're the one walking away. Sometimes it's for 'all the right reasons' and 'for the best'. But it still sucks,especially when you may envision a lot of alternate endings like one of those mystery books which lets you pick which page you go to next.

When relationships with friends or boyfriends end it's always hard. And yes, the ending of something always means there's a beginning to something else. The problem is that you know what ended... but you have no foresight into what lies waiting for you to find it on the horizon.

sigh. deep thoughts. Back to the normally scheduled boring program shortly ;-)

Besides, there's another snow storm coming... And there was much rejoicing.

Seriously, didn't anyone listen a month ago when I said I don't want to see anything white/powdered unless it was on a vanilla cream donut.

I'm rather melancholy today and wouldn't you know it, but a song struck me as sort of what it may be all about. Though the song talks about a couple, I guess, it's not that for me. It's just about starting all over again... and maybe being lucky enough to see the grass just might be greenest where you're standing.

It's late, I'm tired and there's more snow tomorrow... just in one of those thoughtful moods.

Here's the song. Is it for 2011? Perhaps. Perhaps it is.

You can go

You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

I don’t wanna wait
I just wanna know
I just wanna hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

‘Cuz maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
We’ll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just to feel better now
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

This weekend He and I went and registered for Magpie/Ming/to be determined. It was nice, not overly overwhelming leading to tears but also not crazy elation either. I'm still a little gunshy, a bit worried and constantly wondering if it's all going to happen.

I registered for the basics. Money is uber tight. In fact I've put my head in the sand and have refused to look at the budget. When I go bankrupt I will then sell the house :(

I skipped the cute toys, frilly clothes and so on. To be honest, this bothers me not one iota.

That's the thing. When your red thread is tattered, torn, stretched and a little faded you realize not much matters but the important stuff. A roof over your head, enough food to keep you from being hungry, good friends and love. The rest will somehow work itself out.

My one luxury in the store? the softest, most luxurious blanket known to man. I imagine I will pick it up this week and not wait for it to be bought. Heck, he almost laid down on the store floor and curled up in/on it when I made him feel it. It was that good.

It is the little things that matter the most. And I can honestly say... she is a tiny little thing as far as I can tell.

Now, if I could just get my hands on a baby bunting/onsie coat I would be golden. without it those Clothing Police are going to be all over me like white on rice.

... I am tired of the whitestuff. There I said it.

Again.

Last storm 30" in about 12 hours... this storm?

Add one bit of snow, a pinch of rain, a dash of sleet, gently blow around, coat the world with ice and hope the power stays on.

Blech.

PS - major progress on the kitchen. Uhm, yeah, it's been a while, since about MAY that I last tore into the kitchen and got far enough into the project that I couldn't back out. At least now it seems like there's progress going on. Only thing left standing is the stove.

Pics to come :)

PS - I am also tackling the spare bedroom to help it resemble an actual guestroom instead of the town dump. Figured if He and my friends husband were going to do some heavy work in the kitchen I could make myself scarce and pretend to be working hard too :) Painting and moving furniture is hard work you know.

So, I'm a New Englander/Notherner at heart. I spent most of my life in areas that get a lot of snow.

I've always enjoyed it.

It must be a sign of old age to say "I'm good, I've had enough snow for the year".

shoveled, snowblowed and swept 28" of snow today... which all arrived between 1 am and 3 pm. Made even worse by the 25 steps to clear in order to reach the driveway... and having to dig to get the shed opened for the snowblower. Thank goodness the neighbors got it running.

Pics to come.

Please, let this be the last storm of the year. Cold, I'm fine with. Keeps the lake frozen and extends the skating season :)

The only white I want to see for the next few months is the powdered sugar on some vanilla cream donuts.

The process right now is strange for me.

I participate in very few of the 'typical' bringing an adopted child into your life. I'm not gaga over lists and prep stuff online. I'm taking my time with the care package and learning about her background. The nursery, well, it's possible it will be finished while I'm in China.

As I've mentioned before I'm focusing on the basics, like for instance asking friends/neighbors to fill the freezer with single sized meals of all sorts and one has volunteered to do the grocery shopping to fill the fridge before I arrive home. These are the things that will help me get back on track.

But this does not prevent the meltdowns.

I have them, trust me.

In the still of the night, as the quiet edge of a skating rink watching children that could be her,..., I can quickl have a meltdown. I have no clue how to change diapers. I have no idea what to do with a suppository if I have to use it in China. I have no clue what kids eat and how much and when to introduce solids and how to prevent digestion 'issues'.

When these things happen it's because of one thing and one thing only.

I will be going to China alone.

And there will be no travel group as my agency is too small in China to have anyone close in timing to me.

Me. Clueless me. Alone.

A guide sometimes but that's it. I am scared, I am worried, I am terrified at times. What if I get sick? Seriously, I've been so ill at times in 2010 that this alone freaks me out. How the hell am I going to haul the baby, diaper bag, another carry on, at least one large/medium suitcase, through the airport and customs. What if she has multiple blow outs on the plane, screams the whole time and I am 'that parent'.

Oh man this all scares me and I try not to think about it at all. So far he is the only one I've been talking to about it. And when I really let him know recently how hard a time I was having over travelling alone he said some things to me:

• It will work out, diapers are easy and "they have these things you know called wipes". LOL
• Make sure to peel the tab covers off the diaper and strap them on tight. LOL
• Feed her when she's hungry.

I told him I would be calling him often, to be prepared, he's done so much of raising a child (his niece) from a young age, he's got this touch I envy. As I continue to cry and worry he said one more thing that nearly caused me to lose it, in a good way:

• God put her in really good hands Lisa, I know you'll do well and you're going to be a wonderful mom.

I still cry when I think about his touching words. I hope I live up to what everyone thinks, because she deserves all the love in the world.

Her first (given) name will become her middle name and I'm in the midst of selecting what will become her first name. The old list, the one that lingered on for years as I waited, seems to no longer have life. I hashed, rehashed, but not of it rang true to me.

The neighbor kids have helped, one night creating lists of names... that night they only got to G or H, it was a very long list. However, they selected early on one that was in my mind, Alexandra. Other front runners are Pilar or Jade. My hesitation with Jade is it's likely got a bit of a stereotype to it, but it's still lovely. And Pilar (P - lar) could sound more like Piller if people mis pronounce it. But who knows. I'm leaning towards Alexandra.

In the meantime, He and I were at the skating rink watching his nieces as they took lessons and the quantity of asian children, little ones, out on the ice really struck me. And then it happened.

I looked up, the instructor who I noticed earlier was asian came close enough to the edge for me to see her name. Alexandra.

Can I just say the moment was incredibly overwhelming. He had already seen it and was smiling when he noticed I finally saw it, we both shared a very close moment as tears welled up in my eyes. Lately that's a daily event.

All of it so overwhelming, so scary and so beautiful all at once. More on the scary part in another post.

For now I"ve given myself the luxury of taking it all in, of doing it the right way... not holding back. My ride on the wait told me one thing clearly, that all those years of 'sort of' protecting my heart and refusing to hope and have joy towards the future coming true only resulted in me missing out on joy.

A lot of joy.

And so as I look back while embracing the future I realize one thing. The risks we take and the fears we have may not result in all we hoped for, but while you're going through the moment if you refuse to dream... you look back and realize if you missed out on what you wanted in the end, you also missed out on all the joy along the way.

Worst case you celebrate life as it happens and things don't go as planned. Best case you enjoyed the ride and your dreams came true. It's a win-win.

I looked for a link to Ming the other day and went through all my email, all my calendar info... and couldn't find a link. The one thing that keeps resounding for me though, had I been able to proceed on the "get my referral in July 2010", she would not have been old enough to be matched to me.

That alone makes the ride worthwhile.

2010 was a year that reminded me of a few things:

• Change is inevitable. Sometimes in ways you hope for, sometimes in ways that knock you flat on your ass and leave you silently stunned.
• Advice is usually easier to give to others than to take yourself ;-)
• The truth is always someplace in the middle, no one is ever fully right or fully wrong.
• Through all the years and all the extreme highs and lows, I did want to be a mom. even though the road was less than easy or less than smooth.
• Sometimes people may not give you everything you need of them, but they may be giving you everything they can... And sometimes, you're the person who gives what you can but it's not enough. And sometimes people give in ways which are taken for granted... this is a slippery slope best avoided. 
• Trust once lost is near impossible to rebuild...  unless everyone wants to rebuild it, then, anything is possible. 
• My Christmas ornament from 2009 was correct, I really just want a job... I'm ok without the career.
• Breaking your rules is ok, sometimes it's for the best.
• Just because "that's never happened in the history of the earth since cavemen started walking upright" doesn't mean it can't still happen.

And finally...

You should enjoy the things that should be enjoyed in life even if you aren't sure where it's going to wind up or if you'll get all you dreamed of. You never know when the moments to celebrate will evaporate and you're left with the realization you waited till the time was right to celebrate and looked back only to realize the times were never "perfect" to celebrate/enjoy. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

What's my song for 2011? I quite frankly have no idea. I've heard a few, but not 'the one'.

I have to admit, I was a little surprised by this, but the street "life" freaked me the hell out. I didn't mind so much them jumping out and scaring everyone else, but I didn't want to experience it.

This year I did (okay, I'm stretching it here) Christmas like the man in the red suit would. Around the world in way too little time.

• last minute (Mall) shopping with Papi
• drive home, pack and wrap presents.
• Christmas Eve party next door (didn't even bake... too crazy) for a couple hours
• drive to Papi's family for presents at midnight
• missed the midnight party... we fell asleep upstairs for a 'brief' nap
• woke up at 1:30 am, unwrapped and exchanged presents with those die-hards still awake and partying.
• asleep at 4 am... then up and drove to mom's by 2 pm.
• trade presents, dinner, drive back to my house for Christmas there at 8pm.
• Didn't even take any photos, this in and of itself is shocking.

It was for sure a strange Christmas.

Crazy, lots of travelling, lots of food (will my pants fit??) and some of the most wonderful moments in years. By far the best Christmas ever and without a doubt any one of the great moments would have made it wonderful all on their own.

No matter what this last year brought, or what next year may bring, the close of this year is one I'm grateful for. I'm also quite thankful I've finally been able to watch the majority of those I went through The Wait with receive their referrals. It's been bitter sweet but mostly sweet. I just wish I'd found a way sooner to say more to each of them.

Everything in it's own time.

I hope everyone's holidays left them with joyous moments to remember.

More to come on the "Christmas" trip to Vegas and the Grand Canyon in the next post. Lots of pictures with the new cameras.

The day started like this. as I told my friend at work the following story:

I was so tired on Tuesday the 21st when I went to work. So very tired. Apparently so tired that when I got home from work I said to Papi as we walked down the steps to my house and I saw dogprints in the snow "gosh, who's dog was loose down here? Ginger must have been crazy cause of it walking around."

As we turned the corner there is Ginger, tail wagging, panting crazy, waiting to get into the house... loose. Apparently I was so tired that morning I actually forgot I had put her out and left her loose all day.

So I summed it up with my friend by saying "if I can't even remember I have a dog, how the hell can I handle a child". Eveyone assured me they would help me remember they were there!

A few hours later?

The call.

Yup. This was a shock, not that it was coming, but that it was coming in December. Just a week or two prior I heard it would be in one of the next 3 referral batches. The December batch came out on the 17th-19th and I didn't get a call so I figured "one month down, 2 to go". I didn't really sweat it and figured it gave me one more month of in person chances to mention to my mom the appeal process came through after 6 months and rounds of appeals. No. I had not told her yet, had wanted to in person.

Imagine my surprise, when on December 22nd I got the call, my agency's number showing on caller ID and I knew. I knew immediately before picking it up. Did I freak? No. Did I cry like crazy? No. But I calmly (sort of) picked up my pad of paper from my desk, a pen and car keys, walking out the door of my office (into the freezing cold with no jacket) to my car. I wanted to share the moment with him and needed to drive to his work.

I took all the details in the car, called him right away and tried for a bit to download her photos with him in the car. No go, the file was enormous. But we chatted, smiled like crazy, laughed and I teared up a bit finally.

It's a been a long long road, only 12 weeks left to go and there will be plenty of time for emotional tears to come.

This appeal process has afforded me one thing... the ability come hell or high water to soak it all in. I registered at a baby store the night proir to the call and had been planning the nursery. Nothing is going to rob me of that joy this time. nothing and no one.

I can honestly say, as scary as it all is, I have a great sense of peace. I better. I have no daycare, no pediatrician, my travel partners have all fallen through and I have no clue how financially it will all work out.

She is cute like crazy, she has a lovely name (Ming) I'm still waiting on translation on, and she'll be home right after her 1st birthday.

This year is all about thanks, for so many things.

• For my health... though not as great as it was just a year ago, it's so much better than in previous months.
• For the ability to travel freely in a country all about freedom, well mostly that is, except for Arizona.
• For my love of photography.
• For Ginger still going strong after 12 years.
• For a paycheck.
• For meeting a great guy who never lets a day go by without letting me know I'm special to him. And even more so, for realizing no one is perfect, not even the people you place on pedestals.
• For recognizing that although I can burn the crap out of anything cooked on top of the stove, I can cook inside the oven like crazy ;-)
• For those who get me, and even those who do not. There's much to learn from both crowds.
• For recognizing that it's not the name brands I own, the clothes I buy, the riches I surround myself in that defines me. Never has been, never will be.
• For my new camera... I've got a lot to learn just to use the basic features!
• For understanding there are many ways to give support and love, and quite frankly doing it your own way is okay.
• For the world that Sophia opened to me and the additional world Magpie opened to me.
• For the incredible and overwhelming support from strangers and loved ones after that call came.
• For the thoughtfulness, kindness and understanding that still flows.
• For embracing and loving my right and need for privacy, I've finally learned it's okay to do it all your own way. It really is.
• For new friends, old friends and true friends.
• For a roof over my head, heat in my home and food in my stomache.
• For the continued adoption referrals of all of those who've been a blessing in my life during the last 5, nearly 6, years.
• For recognizing that life can change just as dramatically in an instant as it can over many years... and that sometimes it changes back again.
• For having the incredible luck and good fortune of spending a few days west recently, including the Grand Canyon, never thought I'd ever get to go.

And so this holiday season marks the first one in a while full of great irony. Things that may in the past have been a sign of all that is missing, are now signs of all that is present. There is no tree this year but there is a ton of holiday spirit. There is no big pile of presents, not the tangible kind, but there are riches beyond belief.

And I am once again reminded the riches of life come from all the things you can't put a price tag on. Congratulations to my dear friend who's daughter just came her way... just in time for Christmas ;-)

I think the vast majority of people tend to give more to others, or at least attempt to, than they give to themselves.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it :)

This past weekend I did something I've been wanting to do for years. For many many years. And I waited for lots of reasons... never quite finding a way to justify this gift, simply for me. But I did it. This past weekend I ordered my new camera.

Let me backtrack.

Cameras have always been really important to me. Not sure why, but they are. I remember very clearly my first real camera, how much I loved it and how long I had it, it was a Canon, manual/automatic SLR and it opened a new world to me. Being able to change lenses and specialize shots just seemed surreal. I remember later in life when I bought my digital SLR Rebel... it was the first entry by Canon into this market and I love the camera. But more than 6 years have passed since I first got it and to say technology has passed it by is an understatement.

It's also a little worse for the wear... batteries won't hold charges, it's heavier than newer models, the file types are limited for graphics packages, one lense (close range) is shot, the zoom is still good though and for now it's all I  have. The camera is bulky and quite frankly there's no need justifying the little (or big) gifts we give to ourselves. It's on it's way and I'm anxious and a bit nervous. It's a step up, not to the pro cameras, but it's a huge leap in lots of ways. Maybe with this camera I'll finally learn what it takes to capture great pictures of people, not just great still life and animal shots! One can dream.

I can only hope this Canon is as good to me as my first one more than 20 years ago and my Digital Rebel from 6 years ago. I'm sure it will be.

May this camera coming my way be my recognition that you shouldn't put things on hold for 'another time'.