This one is CHOCK FULL, so be prepared......In this, Chapter 9 of Unsung Lullabies, the authors discuss how we can still be citizens of the world and not let our grief over infertility destroy us. They reiterate much of what they said in earlier chapters about the crazy emotions involved. In short, it's OK to feel this way. You are not abnormal. You can choose to protect yourself and should if needed. The only thing is to make sure you manage it to the point that you can still live your life successfully. I swear, sometimes I think this book is one giant validation tool for me. I know all these things logically, but to have it repeated over and over by professionals for me to read? Priceless. I'm too much of a pleaser, and it's been painful to realize that when going through some tough stuff, pleasers don't make it if they don't ease up. It's been a really valuable lesson for all aspects of my life.
The rest of the chapter goes into ways you can successfully deal with your feelings and the world around you. One method is called, "self-talk." First of all, you accept and validate your hurt feelings over questions that sting because of infertility. But secondly, you give yourself a little mental pep-talk. The point is to keep infertility in perspective when viewed through the large window that is your life. An example from the book involved "Monique" who encountered a room full of mothers when she least expected it....
...right now I feel completely out of place. All these other women seem like they've got it all, and I don't. But that's only because they have kids and I don't. At least not yet. Here's what I do have: I'm attractive, athletic, smart...I've got a job that I am good at, a wonderful husband who is my best friend...and I'm being creative by learning how to make desserts tonight.
The next subject, talking about loss, falls much into the same category as the stinging remarks. Be prepared ahead of time. The authors note that most people would just like a simple, "I'm sorry," and for others to respect and acknowledge their loss. But it is true that people have a hard enough time responding to a loss they understand, let alone something like miscarriage or IF.
Deciding to tell your family or not about your treatments and/or asking them for financial help is another sticky situation. Basically, it depends on all parties involved. One thing that may help though is imagining how your parents feel about the IF and remember that this is part of their reproductive story as well.
Dealing with friends can be an even harder situation. I don't think I know any infertile woman who hasn't dealt with some problem in friendships because of IF. There is such a push/pull involved when people you love are having babies and you aren't. There's such a complex mix of, "I'm happy but I'm not!" that makes it quite difficult for the psyche and for the relationship. The guilt that comes from this mix of reactions is even more damaging. The book notes that you may want to try opening up to your closest friends. You may get support you never imagined. On the other hand, I know from personal experience that it's a hard fall if they don't "get it." I like how the authors said it best. "It can feel like a betrayal when you confide in someone, only to have your friend change the subject, or worse, talk about someone else who just got pregnant." The worst part for me is that while I am feeling completely demoralized, they are just as completely unaware of what they've done to me. Reactions like these have caused me to weigh my friendships much more carefully. This, I'm happy to report, is exactly what you need to do with friendships in this instance.
Work can be a complex mesh of friendships and professional problems. Work can just be completely difficult when going through treatments. Many times I wished I could take leave to do them. I think it's summed up quite nicely with one sentence. "...be prepared to tell people she would rather not talk about it, but recognize she cannot control how others think and feel about her." Difficult for me. Again, venting is awesome. Just make sure to vent to someone who "gets it."
When all this gets to be too much, be on the lookout for signs of clinical depression. Some warning signs according to the good doctors:
- crying all the time (not just sometimes)
- being unable to get out of bed (more than occasionally)
- being unable to concentrate (not just now and then)
- having suicidal ideas (even if no plan)
Speaking from experience, support groups (online or off) can be a wonderful help. They have helped me immeasurably in all the ways the book suggests. Before them, I felt so alone. Isolation was a cold dark place, and I hated it. Now I have a wonderful sense of belonging and a place of perpetual validation. Can I also add that blogging helps even more? The book notes that giving voice to your feelings helps most people. This blog has done that for me along with having others with which to work it out. Having said that, there are also pitfalls to certain support groups. One is how to react when members get pregnant. In my groups, I think we've handled this quite beautifully, but it helped that a few women (you know who you are ladies :) helped lay the ground rules for how we would handle announcements, belonging etc. That let everyone maintain a public structure for how to deal even if inside they were torn apart.
Secondly, be aware of the vast amount of information and misinformation on the internet. There are a lot of people spouting ridiculous crap out there. Try to inform yourself, or talk to your doctor so that you are prepared to sort through it.
And finally, pace yourself when web searching and posting to bulletin boards. You can definitely lose your perspective and become completely engrossed in that world to the detriment of your "real life." The book notes that setting a time limit can be helpful.
Therapy, like support groups, can provide another avenue for validation and understanding of your feelings. Theoretically, therapy provides an unbiased, professional arena for working through your problems. Beware though; good therapists are hard to find, and ones specializing in infertility are even more rare. Do your research thoroughly before settling on one, and try to find one familiar with the ins and outs of infertility.
I love how this chapter is wrapped up. It notes that although infertility is a life-altering event; you are coping even if it doesn't feel like it. They say that, "the world no longer feels like such a welcoming place," and I think you can see that I've felt that throughout my blog. They go on to say, "never forget the power of your sense of humor," and that "letting yourself laugh is as important as letting yourself cry." Love it.
Move on to: Dealing
