I have the sweetest husband.  And we have both been lucky enough to have time off work the whole summer after our wedding.  This last week we both started working again and as I'm sitting here in my faculty meeting (shhh) I've been thinking about all the fun things we've been doing this summer.  We all know it has to be documented....

A couple of Luna De Mier (honeymoon) pics...

JD's first Birchcreek experience

Twilight movies at Snowbird

This picture just melts my heart.  Church history museum with the fam.

My husband gives me pedicures!  Does it get any better than that??

Brother and Sister Shell- our first friends in our new ward

Sushi night

Spur of the moment camping trip

I almost beat him in the bb gun competition but I'm pretty sure he goes easy on me :)

Kind of felt like most of our summer was spent writing thank you cards....

Picnic at Wheeler Farm

Baseball game with the fam

He is thoughtful.

2013 = Really good year. 

Remember how I said I felt like good things were coming?  I was right.  Stay tuned. 

It's been almost 18 months since my divorce has been final.  And through every one of those months I have been trying to get over it.  "over" it.  Like that's a thing.  Is divorce something you ever really get "over?" 
I've learned something about life's issues:  just pushing them aside will not get you "over" them.  Not permanently.  So there's been this tiny little issue I've been needing to work through since all of this happened.  Stupid forgiveness.  You guys.  It's hard.  It has been a challenge.  So many times over the last 18 months I would picture what it would be like if I ran into my ex again.  What would I do?  You want the truth?  Generally I pictured the scene like that ending scene on What Happens In Vegas (um, a solid punch where it counts followed by "you know why......"  here's the link if you really want to know... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MlNbZ1EAaM).  Okay, haven't had the best of feelings towards him since that mess started. 
But I thought about another scene a little bit ago:  instead of imagining just me and my ex in a room, I imagined what it would be like if the Savior also joined us.  Totally different scene.  Christ would have said something like "Kels.  I know you hurt.  I know mistakes were made.  But guess what?  You don't have to suffer.  I already did that for you.  This is taken care of and my grace is sufficient for both of you."  That image in my mind was motivation enough for change to take place in my heart.
I don't know if I can adequately describe the way the atonement has worked in my life.  I don't fully understand how the feelings of hostility that I've had towards my ex can be gone now.  All I can say is that I know the pains I have suffered and the wrongs I experienced in my marriage are not mine to cling to anymore.  It's freeing.  It allows me to be able to look to my future and not to my past.  I exchanged emails with my ex a few weeks ago.  It was something I have intended to do for a while, but something I didn't want to do until I could sincerely and genuinely express feelings of forgiveness to him.  What an opportunity of closure.  He has made progress just like I have.  When we let it, the atonement heals us.  God puts our lives back in order and helps us push forward.  The experience I had in my marriage and my divorce will never be totally erased.  It has changed me.  But it will not define me.  I have had so much support from special people throughout this process.  You know who you are.  Thank you.  I love you. 
So in honor of all of your support and love, I've got a future to go get.

Good things come to those who wait.
Better things come to those who believe.
And the best things come to those who don't give up.

Hey guys, I got divorced last year.
People told me, "oh you'll be able to jump right back into dating, you young little thing, you."
I said 'i know.'
People told me "i bet you'll be married again within a year."
I said 'i know.'
People told me "it'll be like it never happened- you're so great, dating won't be an issue."
I said "i know.'

I didn't know.  On all counts.

But I thought I did.  Over the last few weeks I've realized that although I said I was still all for marriage and had that as my goal, I didn't actually believe that this was possible.  One of my best friends recently observed that I'm kind of a relationship hater.  Ouch.  True.  I've been on a lot of dates over the last year.  Haven't put an ounce of effort into making any of them turn into a relationship.  One of these gentlemen told me that he felt I wasn't willing to try a relationship because I was scared.  But that's not it.  (and yes, that poor gentleman hit the road shortly thereafter....) It's not that I've been scared (i mean i am, but that's not the point at hand), it's that I just haven't believed that the kind of relationship I thought I had last go around was actually possible in reality.

I've been looking around at couples in love.  Couples getting married. Couples staying married.  And it's literally confusing.  I do not understand how it happens.  For the past 15 months I have not understood how that can actually happen in my life.  I mean, I don't live in a movie here.  Who says a knight in shining armor has any place in the story of my life?

Well here's the thing: someone with some serious credibility has told me that a healthy, loving and eternal relationship can be in my life.  And its taking a significant amount of faith to trust Him on it.  But I think I'm starting to understand faith.  Because once you get a glimpse of the kind of potential Heavenly Father can see in your life, and you have the faith that He can actually get you there, then a whole range of possibilities open up.

CLARIFICATION: I'm not dating anyone.  Haven't just met "the one." But I just have a feeling that good things are coming my way and I'm thriving on the idea that I can actually have good things if I keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing. 

Last year I made my first real list of New Years resolutions.  Today is that fun day where we pull out that old list and see how I actually did....

Eat more vegetables.   Thanks to the BlendTec, check.
Be thankful.  I try.   Check.
Forgive and let go.   Worrrrking on it......... not check.
Do things I like to do.   85% check.
Learn to say no.    CHECK :)
Build a repertoire of lipsticks.  Giant check. (i really took this one seriously...)
Be sincere. Less cynical.     Sincerity: check.  Lower the cynicism: check minus
Help other people more than myself.      Thanks to a new calling: check
Learn when to speak and when to not.      60% check.
Lighten up.     Depends on the moment?

As for 2013..... I went out for Chinese with a friend last night and this was my fortune for 2013: 

REACTION.
 Ok well I hate you, 2013.  I mean, way to throw the emptiness of one's situation in one's face.......    And then......   some facebook enlightenment.  One of my fb chums with some  knowledge on Asian culture said this: 

And so it is perspective that I'm choosing to focus on for 2013.  I find that when the times I become most frustrated about my life are the times when I think things like, "this is not how it's supposed to be..."  "this is not what I thought my life was going to look like..."  "I was supposed to be happily married with a kid by now...."        et cetera.  

WISDOM ON PERSPECTIVE.  
"When you experience uncertainty, you are on the right path-- so don't give it up.  You don't need to have a complete and rigid idea of what you'll be doing next week or next year, because if you have a very clear idea of what's going to happen and you get rigidly attached to it, then you shut out the whole range of possibilities." -Deepak Chopra

And while that quote makes me wrinkle my nose and pull a face like a 5 year old facing cough medicine, I know there is wisdom in it that I need to apply to my life. I know I've quoted this before, but Elder Holland said, "When you are confronted with challenges that are difficult to conquer or you have questions arise, the answers to which you do not know, hold fast to the things you do know.  hang on to your firmest foundation, however limited that may be, and from that position of strength face the unknown."

THE PLAN.
These thoughts are complimentary.  Rely on your foundation.  Use that foundation to keep you afloat and reaching.  But keep your eyes open.  Find happiness in what life can be, not only what it's supposed to be.

Here's to perspective.  Friends, happy 2013. 

Ok, hey.  I got something to say to you, man. 
I brake for birds
I rock a lot of polka dots
I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours
I spend my entire day talking to children
and I think it's fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person.
That's just weird and it freaks me out..
And i'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown
and I hate your pantsuit.  I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter.
And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.

One of my favorite quotes from New Girl.  Totally scripted, but if I was articulate enough those are the words that would come out of my mouth.  So I'm borrowing them. 


Also borrowing this:

In elementary school, I hated gym.  I would pretend to be sick every time we had to play that dumb game where you had to simultaneously guard the bowling pin and try to not get pelted with the ball.
(why???)
I would call my mom every time.
 
"Hi, Mom.  I'm sick.  can you come get me?"
Well what hurts?
"Uhh... everything.  Just please come and get me."

Not my favorite day.  However, the days I loved were the days I was allowed to wear my pjs.  There is something empowering about not having to zip or button pants for one day (you know, like how 'it's astounding how much one's stress level goes down with the simple act of switching from skinny jeans to yoga pants') The read-a-thon was a big deal.  I would always make sure I had a treat and my blankie. I would complete those assignments where we had to search the newspaper and cut specific things out like it was my job to do it.

So you can understand how pleased I am to announce that today is PAJAMA DAY.  Ah, I chose the right profession.  I literally have been looking forward to this all week.  I have a secret.  And that secret is last month while on my stroll through K-Mart I found this sweet nightgown that may or may not be made of plaid flannel.  Well naturally, I had to have it. Stop judging me, it's awesome.  My family hasn't warmed up to it yet.  I guess it's not the most flattering thing in my closet.  I told my family I was going to wear it to pajama day.  They laughed.  I said I was serious.  They said don't you dare.  So they bullied me into wearing my plain normal people PJs.  How dull.  Don't worry, on my way out the door I decided I better grab it just in case I had a change of heart.  I did.  Only for one period, but still.

People at work comment on how I always dress up and do all these goofy things in front of the kids.  It's true, I do.  But I remember my middle school years being tempted to do something fun or goofy, but being too scared.  These are the years where you have zero confidence until you see someone else do it and not die.  Then it becomes doable.  So I have made myself THAT person.  I will do all the goofy things first so the kids have enough confidence to have a little fun.  And I can make up for all the awesome but unpublished ideas I had in middle school.