Okay, we're gonna try something a little different today. I provide the most embarrassing moments ever, and you get to decide which (or possibly all) truly belong to me.
The names may or may not have been changed to protect the innocent.
Answers may follow in a few days (if it's not
too embarrassing to own up to them!)
1. Back in the early years of our marriage, my husband was employed as a teacher at a small private school in the Seattle area. Many brilliant Microsoft and Boeing executives and engineers sent their children to this school, along with a couple Seattle sports celebrities. My husband was very well-liked by his students and we were often invited to dinner.
Being quite poor at that time, and subsisting on one very meager income, we were trying our darnedest to hold our own among these older, successful parents of the student that had invited us to dinner.
Things were going along swimmingly until conversation somehow shifted to pet-peeves, and my husband brought up how telemarketers were rife in the Seattle area. I piped in that it was probably because they now had this new, automated system that made it possible for them to ring my home, but not put anyone on the phone until I answered, thus making things far more effective all the way around, and in the process becoming the absolute bane of my existence.
Come to find out, the father, being the Microsoft genius that he was, had
invented the very automated device I was referring to. And the mom, for a little something to do now that the kids were both in school, had been moonlighting as a manager of telemarketers (no doubt as feedback on her husband's invention).
The mom was very gracious and laughed it all off, but the father was a proud man and a tad bit offended by our disgust with his invention.
We hadn't even had dessert yet, either, which made things
really uncomfortable until we had and were free to say our goodbyes and go. I only wished their fancy teak wood floor would open up and swallow us.
2. When I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my son, I had to go get my driver's license renewed at the DMV. It happened that it was a very wet day outside, and just after crossing over the threshold into the very crowded waiting area there, I slipped in a puddle of standing water, causing me to flail about, arms helicoptering as I tried to regain my very pregnant balance. In front of a huge crowd of people. All staring at me as though expecting me to biff it, but helpless to do anything to help as it all happened so quickly.
It was quite a spectacle, I assure you.
The worst thing was, I
did, in fact, regain my balance, but had absolutely nobody to share my utter mortification with. I was forced to sit there primly as if nothing had ever happened while others openly guffawed at my expense. It's hard to have a moment like that with nobody to laugh it off with.
3. Another time, when my teacher husband and I were invited to a student's home for dinner, it was once again to the home of brilliant and highly educated parents. Their child was an only son born to them late in life.
The mother and I were both SAHM's, avid readers and aspiring authors that had recently attended the very same writing seminar at a nearby public library, and felt we had a common bond in spite of our drastic socio-economic differences.
These folks were friendly and down-to-earth, and very easy to talk to. They insisted on rolling back their antique oriental rug from their gleaming hardwood dining room floor to allow our toddler son to play cars there. All this while dinner finished cooking in their cavernous kitchen, which boasted tons of counter space, all topped in a rare and beautiful marble imported from Italy.
Over a delectable dinner of prime rib, freshly prepared horseradish, potato pie and asparagus tips, we chatted about books, history and our writing endeavors. There was never a lull in conversation, and the woman doted endlessly on our toddler son, saying that he reminded them so much of their own son when he was that age.
Everything went marvelously well. We talked of attending writing seminars together over the summer. As we were standing around in their grand entryway preparing to leave, my new friend, very affectionate by nature, proceeded to give us all hugs. When I turned to thank her again for the marvelous meal, I inadvertently put my lips in the path of hers, because she'd just gone to kiss my cheek after hugging me, and she ended up kissing me. Full on the lips!
Though that happened over a decade ago, I still cringe even thinking about that, and lived in utter mortification that her son would tell the other kids at school about that.
Imagine my relief when our lives took a drastic change over the next couple of weeks, and we moved away the day after school let out. I don't think I could have brought myself to attend those writing seminars with her.
4. On Wednesday evenings, I am leader to a room full of high school teens that attend our church's AWANA Club. For lack of leaders and nursery space on these nights, our toddler son comes into the classroom with me, my wonderful secretary and friend helping to supervise him while I'm talking to the teens.
One night, just as I began talking, a host of sirens went blaring down the street beside the church. Little Judah heard these sirens, and excitedly yelled out a horrible word that rhymes with sucker. In front of my class. With a couple dozen teens looking on in absolute shock.
I looked at him, totally appalled, but quickly realized from the sirens what he was
trying to say, but that in his excitement had run the words together. "Did you hear the fire trucks?" I asked as casually as I could muster.
Still excited, he nodded and said that horrible word again.
The students in my class, meanwhile were trying to hold in their laughter. I knew I must clarify immediately. "Judah, say FIRE."
"Fie-ough."
"Say, TRUCK."
"Twuck."
Relieved, I said, "Okay, now say FIRE TRUCK."
Again with that awful word.
The teens in my class were by this time doubled over in their seats ROFL. I was horror stricken.
After 20+ years of babysitting experience, and 11 years of parenting two sons (both big fans of emergency rescue vehicles), I
finally get why other moms insist on their children referring to such vehicles as Fire
Engines.
5. One time, when still fairly new to our church, I was working with a group of teen girls in a small class on Tuesday nights. I usually brought along some snack that I knew the girls would enjoy. That particular night, I stopped off at Marie Callender's Restaurant to pick up a favorite pie, which according to the banner hanging in front of the restaurant was on sale.
That evening, the girls all raved about that pie. "This is sooooo good! What kind is this?"
I happily told them.
On my way home, I dropped by to pick up our son, who my sister-in-law was watching that night, and offered her the last slice of the pie, telling her we'd just had it at youth group.
She started laughing. "You brought Kahlua Cream Cheese pie to your youth group?" she asked, and laughed anew. "Kahlua is a liquor used in desserts and mixed drinks!" she said, knowing I was totally naive where alcoholic beverages were concerned.
I paled. I'd just served my church youth group girls a pie with liquor in it?!
The thought still brings a flush to my cheeks, especially knowing that they liked the pie so well they probably all went home raving about it to their parents.
6. The final embarrassing moment involved a Thanksgiving Break trip to a friend's house in North Dakota while in college.
After a couple of fun-filled days spent sledding, traipsing through foot-deep snow while pheasant hunting, playing card games and at my friend's mothers urging stuffing our poor college-student selves on all that good home-cooked food (including an amazing Thanksgiving spread) we all watched a movie then turned in for the night. It was their family tradition for the kids to get up early Friday morning and help decorate their church for Christmas while the parents went Christmas shopping.
We got to the church the next morning, the old woman who was in charge of the project comes up to us barking out orders. We obediently did all she asked, and made short work of moving the enormous tree in, getting it installed on it's stand, and decorating it, then spreading greenery and other decorations around the sanctuary and narthex areas of the church.
Most folks, when giving orders and finding their subjects compliant will usually ease up a little, and perhaps begin to show a little appreciation for the help. Not this woman. She nagged, and fussed and ordered us about the entire time and was rather cold and unfriendly. It got a little bit old after a while.
For lunch, we met up with our friends parents at a local Applebees. Due to it being the busiest day of the shopping year, we had to wait for a very long time to get our seat. While waiting, I voiced my annoyance with "the old battle-axe of a woman who had barked orders like a drill sergeant the entire time we were there". I went on and on about it, and my friend's dad began asking probing questions to see if he knew who I was talking about. With each one, I'm like, "Yeah, that's her!"
"Oh. That's my aunt."
Can we say,
Open Mouth, Insert Foot? I was horrified. Why, when this was my friends great-aunt, had said friend never mentioned a word of it to me at the church?!
Of course, my face blazed red, and they all found the whole thing to be hilariously funny, and were gracious enough to laugh it off. The father even agreed that yes, his aunt was a bit of a battle-axe. He'd never heard that phrase before and seemed to like it, allowing it to roll off his tongue a couple of times for good measure.
But to add insult to injury, said great-aunt showed up just after we'd gotten the corner booth in the restaurant. She sat all the way through the meal with us, my friend's family casting knowing winks and grins across the table at me from time to time.
Then, for all our hard work at the church earlier, she paid for the meal!
While she was a bit on the brusque side, and quite opinionated and bossy, she was a very generous soul at heart.
Ever eaten humble pie? Let me tell you, it sticks going down.
Oh, and feel free to add in your own embarrassing moments in the comments so that I'm not totally alone in my embarrassment!
Scrap the plans for a clean house. We're going to go kick back on the couch for a couple of hours and watch Pride & Prejudice.
