FSA Southeast

Hi Everyone! Welcome to the April edition of our newsletter!

We had a great conference a few weeks ago. My favorite part is still hearing a birthmother share her story. We also had a great adult adoptee. It is reassuring to hear that he was adopted, loves his family, and basically has no issues. He was worried that his story was too ‘boring’, but that is what we want to hear, right? It is awesome to meet all the new couples, and I just wish we could have spent more time with all who came.

We also had a really good FSA Board meeting. We discussed a social activity to be held in Chattanooga, TN (more about that later), and started the planning for the fall educational conference. Also, we want to have some things happen in November for National Adoption Month, so please be thinking of what you might like to do- we will hopefully have some smaller groups do things on a local level. We would love to have some suggestions and volunteers to coordinate these activities.

Thanks for all your involvement. We welcome any suggestions and help, so feel free to contact anyone on the FSA Board with your ideas!

Greetings from the Director’s Corner. With the weather turning more favorable it’s time to get outdoors! The sun is out, and everything is starting to bloom. (No need to remind allergy suffers, ACHOO!!!!) Spring always gets me in the mood for cleaning. It is also a great time to check in with your adoption worker. If you haven’t contacted your worker recently it may be time for a check-up to assure your file is in great shape so you can take advantage of adoption opportunities that may come your way.

**For our Georgia adoptive applicants’ new information from the Georgia Interstate Compact Office has direct implications for you and your ability to adopt a child from out of state. New requirements have been added that have not been required by LDS Family Services previously. These requirements include getting a drug screen, TB tests, copies of driver’s licenses, sex offender, child abuse, and other registry checks as well as other items. A complete list of requirements will be attached to this blog and available through your caseworker. These new changes are unexpected, but non-compliance prevents you from adopting a child from out of state. Please be advised that it is to your benefit to work with your caseworker to assure your file meets these new requirements ASAP. The agency is setting a deadline of May 1, 2008. After this date files that do not have the necessary changes will no longer be shown outside of Georgia. Again, this change affects only couples residing in Georgia.

**All adoptive applicants need to be aware that recent changes in federal law require a child abuse registry check to be completed for anyone over the age of 18 residing in a home approved for adoption. Speak with your worker about how this is accomplished.

We wish you all a beautiful spring and hope that you are keeping busy with all life has to offer. We remain committed to helping you with your plan to build your family through adoption. May the Lord’s choicest blessings be yours.
Christopher Young

Summer Activity- Date to be determined- Social event in Chattanooga, TN. We will be going to the aquarium in the morning, then meeting for a picnic lunch and a presentation, and then splitting up (or staying together) in the afternoon, with a variety of options for things to do. We then will probably meet for dinner with those who wish to continue! We would love for everyone to join us. We have appreciated the TN folks who come down to Atlanta for so many things, and we really encourage all those in TN, GA, and AL to attend. And anyone else, for that matter! J Once we have a date, we would like to get some numbers of those who think they will attend so that we can arrange some group rates. Also, we have a little bit of budget money, so we would be able to help out some of the families if cost is a deterring issue for you.

Fall Educational Conference- AUGUST 8th and 9th, 2008. We are in the planning stages right now, so please give us any feedback about what classes you want, what activities, things you would like us to include. You can email ideas to me, Shanna, at shannawitbeck@hotmail.com. The National FSA Board was so impressed by our last conference, that they decided to change the way that the National Conference was done, and change it to regional conferences. This will be our first Southeast Regional FSA Conference, and we are including Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, South Carolina, and North Carolina. It should be a great experience!

We are trying to get as much help as we can- you know, “Many hands make light work”! We have come up with several ‘tasks’ that can be done at home, in your own time, that would help us to not have such a big list of things to do. If you are willing to help in any way, please email shannawitbeck@hotmail.com and I can give you our task list to choose from. Thank you in advance for your help!

Dixie Taylor Photography: Dixie is an adoptive mother, and has worked with LDSFS. She has a generous offer for new adoptive families on her website, http://www.dixietaylorphotography.com/. Check it out, and we add this link to the bottom of the blog page as well.

In this section, Hannah will answer your questions about birth family relationships. You can email her questions (her email address is at the bottom of this blog). If no questions are submitted (like this time), she will discuss a topic of her choosing.

It’s time for another edition of “Dear Hannah.” I decided to share a few thoughts about what adoptive parents should and could do between the face-to-face meeting with the birth mother and the birth of the baby.

First, I want to emphasize that there is no right way to handle this time period. Because of the new openness policies and the diversity of birth mothers, there are a number of ways to keep in touch with your birth mother. When you meet with her, be sure to discuss this so you can have an idea of what she wants. There are situations where she will not need or want correspondence. There are also birth mothers who truly need and want to hear from you before the birth of the baby. You need to decide ahead of time what you are comfortable with as far as communication such as email, phone, US mail or additional visits. All of these options have been used. Whatever the means of communicating, it is important, if not vital, to building an emotional connection with her. It also helps her to know that you care and gives her an idea about the plans and preparations you are making for the baby.

My advice about this communication is to cherish the contact you can have with your birth mother. The more you interact with her, the more you will know about your baby. It is a privilege to truly know your birth mother and have specific things to tell your child later on. You don’t need to be afraid of her. Find out what she is doing on a daily basis. Ask her how she is feeling. If, at any time, she becomes demanding or is making requests that you don’t feel comfortable with, you simply ask your case worker for help. That is our role, to advocate and facilitate. You need to do what you feel comfortable with and not worry that it will jeopardize the adoption.

In your correspondence, it is very appropriate to share your gratitude and tender feelings with her. She needs to know that you are genuine and real. It will confirm to her again and again that she has made the right decision in selecting you to raise her child.

Other things that may come up are holidays or her birthday. It is very appropriate to acknowledge these things just like you would anyone else who is special to you. These acknowledgements help her to feel your love. They also bring happiness at a time that may not be happy for her. I have had birth mothers excitedly share about letters or emails from adoptive parents and the joy felt.

If you ever have questions during any part of this process, please always remember that you can ask your case worker for ideas or counsel. We want correspondence to be a natural and pleasant experience.

Lifebooks: Helping Children Understand Their Past So They Can Thrive In The Future

Benefits of life books:

• Provides a way to normalize adoption language
• An adoption “security blanket”
• Gives some attachment rituals
• Structure for difficult material (such as reasons for relinquishment)
• Ways to reduce fantasy about birthparents
• Opportunity to create positive identity and ethnic identity
• Open door for discussions
• Archive precious photos and stories
• Provide a chronology of the child’s life
• Enhance self esteem and identity formation
• Help child share his history with others
• Assist in resolving separation issues
• Identify connections between past, present and future
• Facilitate attachment
• Increase trust for adults
• Help the child recognize and resolve strong emotions related to past life events.
  
  EVERY CHILD DESERVES TO KNOW WHERE HE/SHE CAME FROM

What do I include?

• Start with the child’s birth.

Always discuss the birthmother and birthfather. Even if you don’t know, just say you don’t know. For International adoption, it may be appropriate to say why “most” kids end up in an orphanage, or what the socioeconomic situation of the birthparents might have been. It’s ok to speculate, as long as it is not presented as fact.

• Talk about the reason for separation from the biological family.
• Birth history, including birth certificate or court documents.

Children like to have information about their own births, including how much they weighed, how long they were, what day of the week they were born, and at which hospital. A baby picture should be included if one is available. Some hospitals can refer caregivers to the photographer who took the infant photos when the child was born, and a picture may still be available. Health problems or abnormalities observed at birth should be noted as well.

• How the child came to your family

Each book should explain why and how the child entered the adoptive family or the foster care system and how subsequent decisions were made. Many times, adults gloss over the reasons for the child's placement. This avoidance can pose long-term problems. The very fact that adults hesitate to share information about the child's past implies that it is too awful for the youngster to cope with. Facts can be presented in ways that help the child understand and accept his past while raising self-esteem. With experience, adults can learn to reframe even negative life experiences as positive strivings that went astray. Information should be presented in words the child understands.

• Celebrate the strengths in child and birthfamily
• Photographs and memories

Photographs of birth parents should be included. One-of-a-kind photos should be duplicated before being put in the Life book, with a copy put away for safekeeping. Information about parents and siblings should be gathered as soon as possible.

For an older child adoption:
Foster parents and social workers may only have time to collect facts, save artwork, or dig for old medical records. Save whatever information you can.

***Start pre-placement- this is a great time to get information!

How do I get Started?

The information should be written in a story format so that it is easy to read to the child in a natural, entertaining fashion. What child doesn't want to hear their story? Again and again.

Don’t get caught up in creating the "perfect" Life Book. After all, the only real mistake you can make is not to finish. The ultimate magic to creating a treasured Life Book is to start it, work on it as a family, and give it your child. Even if it only has five pages, it is tangible proof to your child that s/he is precious enough to deserve this life treasure. Some would argue "Our family is very open and always talks about adoption/foster care so why write it down?" Because a book that you and your child can pick up and hold gives the foster/adoptee control over his/her own story. They can look at it when the urge hits them, not when you are inspired. It becomes symbolic for adoption discussion. It’s like an adoption security blanket.

**Give them basics so they can experience different feelings at different points in their life.

Age-Appropriate Uses

Under Fours: Parents may use an adopted child's Life book much as they would a baby book. Looking at pictures, talking about the parents' first impressions upon seeing their baby, or talking about initial meetings with birth parents if that has occurred all conveys that talking about the child's origins and life is pleasurable to the parents.

Relating facts as the child's personal story, as opposed to "reading" it, is more appealing to the very young child. Since young children are likely to be confused by mention of a second mother or father with whom they do not have contact, it is preferable for the adoptive parents of a toddler to refer to the birth parents by their first names. As the child gets older and observes the connection between pregnancy and childbirth, the terms "birth mother" and "birth father" can be added to the story-telling.

Four to Seven: Children of this age understand the concept of "practicing" as a way to learn a new skill. The Life book may provide opportunities for the child to "practice" talking about important things, or to practice having fun with parents, or sitting close while reading, etc. Parents are practicing also, so the child should be made to understand that learning to be close involves both children and adults working on it.

Eight to Twelve: The Life book may be a means to helping children develop a "cover story" that helps them retain their right to privacy and control over their story. Children need a way to explain to others why they do not live with their birth family. The cover story is a shortened, not-too-revealing version of the truth. Children need to be given permission to refuse politely to provide strangers or mere acquaintances with answers to personal questions. They need to prepare to ask themselves, "Is this someone who really needs the information?" If not, they might say, "I'd rather not talk about it," or "That's very personal information," or to give the Ann Landers response, "Why would you ask a question like that?" Providing the child with opportunities to practice responses ahead of time will help her not to be caught off-guard.

Adolescence: The effects of early childhood traumas or separations become more evident during early adolescence as separation/individuation tasks are recycled. The psychological tasks of early adolescence are very similar to those of years one through five. This repetition is both good news and bad. The bad news is that unmet early needs come back to haunt adolescents in exaggerated form; the good news is that it offers potential to address these earlier needs and meet them more appropriately, thereby facilitating true lifelong change for the young person. Although adults cannot undo difficult early life experiences, they can help the young person develop compensatory skills (Beyer 1990). Adolescents have the capacity for hypothetical thinking. By thinking ahead, they can identify and prepare themselves for the times when the memories of past traumas are most likely to resurface. They can start to identify the skills necessary to the development of choices that their birth parents may never have had. They can look more realistically at the choices made by those involved in their lives and be encouraged to take responsibility for the choices they will ultimately make themselves. Adults can help the young person look ahead, identifying times that the feelings of early life experience might echo.

Triseliotis (1983) has identified three important areas which contribute to identity-building in adolescence. The first is to have a childhood experience of feeling wanted and loved. The second is to have knowledge about one's own personal history and the third is the experience being perceived by others as a worthwhile person. Life books we can contribute significantly at least two of these three goals.

Review of an adoption related book. This month's reviewer is Kara Opp.

Continuing the introductions to the team at LDS Family Services.

I was born and raised in Wyoming. I lived 2 years in South Dakota and then moved to Las Vegas my Senior year of high school. I attended UNLV in Las Vegas and graduated with an undergraduate degree in Social Work. In the middle of my studies, I went on a mission to Sapporo, Japan. After graduation, I worked for the State of Nevada in the Welfare Division as a Social Worker for the hard to employ individuals on Welfare. After two years, I went back to school for a Master’s in Social Work at Brigham Young University. I began working part-time for LDS Family Services in Las Vegas after graduation and was eventually hired full-time after a year and asked to moved to Atlanta. I have lived in Georgia for almost 5 years. I am now a licensed Clinical Social Worker.

I enjoy my work with all aspects of adoption very much. I also have a passion for International Social Work and have been involved in a number of projects abroad. Someday I hope to be able to be involved in projects full-time. I am the proud aunt of 2 nephews and 1 niece and love the 7 year old Primary class that I teach.

Introducing the members of the FSA Board. Last edition we introduced Paul and Malisa Sims, this month please meet Kydon and Shanna Witbeck.

Hi! We are Kydon and Shanna Witbeck.

We each started out our lives in Utah, and both of our families moved to Georgia (Kydon at age 10 and Shanna at age 15). We then both attended Auburn University, where we met and got married. After graduation, we moved to Atlanta, and will probably be here forever. After about 7 years of ‘unexplained infertility' and one miscarriage, we decided to adopt. We were then blessed with our daughter, Abigail, who is now 4. Just 15 months later, we were doubly blessed with the adoption of our twin boys, Jack and Aidan who will be 3 next month. Life is busy with 3 little munchkins! Kydon is currently enrolled in graduate school, working on his MBA. Shanna is a former and future nurse, but is currently staying home with the little ones. Shanna also enjoys quilting (when I have time), reading, and being involved with FSA.

I (Shanna) love being involved with FSA, and helping all of you whenever I can. One of the most valuable things in my adoption journey was finding a friend to call for understanding, venting, and rejoicing. If I can be that friend to any of you, please let me know! My number and email address can be found at the bottom of the blog page! If you want to read more about our family, we have a blog at http://www.3cutekids.blogspot.com/

In this section, we will highlight one family's adoption story. This edition is all about Ting and Amy, and their sweet daughter, Abigail.

This is the story of how we went from a family of two to a family of three. My husband and I were married for about four years before realizing that we would not be able to have children of our own. We went through a series of attempts to get pregnant through in-vitro fertilization. After much heartache and emotional pain, we decided that maybe we should consider adoption. We continued to go through IVF as we put in papers to adopt. After five attempts at IVF, we decided that Heavenly Father must have different plans for us and obviously IVF was not going to work out for us. We finally completed paperwork to adopt. We were so excited to know that soon we would have the family we had always hoped for.

We would now play the waiting game. We kept ourselves as busy as possible. We knew that the more thought about it, the harder it would be. After waiting for approximately two and a half years from the time we put in paper work, our dream of having a baby would finally become a reality. We can remember it very vividly. We were sitting having a quite evening at home when we received a phone call that would change our life. It was our social worker informing us that she had wonderful news. She said that she had a birth mother that was due at any time now and would like for us to meet her. As we drove to Atlanta to meet the birth mother, there were so many mixed emotions. We were able to meet the birth mother and learn more about her and at the same time, she was able to learn able us. The birth mother did not speak English; therefore we had a translator present. We were given an ultrasound picture to take with us. The feelings we felt at that moment were indescribable. It was all just so surreal. We knew that the baby in that ultrasound picture would soon be ours.

We returned home and patiently waited until we would get another call saying that our baby girl would be born. It seemed as if that call would never come. Approximately three weeks later, it all started coming together for us. We immediately left when we received the news that the birthmother was in labor. There were so many emotions going through our minds. Just as we were pulling up to the hospital parking lot, we got another call saying, “Congratulations, it’s a girl!”

I still get very emotional just thinking about that moment. We spent three days at the hospital with our new baby girl! We named her Abigail Evonne Lott. Right before we departed, Abigail’s birthmother held her one last time before we said our goodbyes and headed home with our precious gift. That was one of the most bittersweet moments we have ever experienced.

Our daughter will be three years old next month. She has brought more joy than we could have ever imagined. She has been a true blessing to us. Heavenly Father blessed us with such a precious gift. It is so true that Heavenly Father will work and meet one’s needs through other people. We are forever grateful to Abigail’s birthmother for her great sacrifice.

Well, in my opinion, the March conference was great!! We had some really cool people attend, and of course the birthmother was amazing. We did get some video, and if all goes according to plan, we will be able to post the adult adoptee and birthmother vidoes here on the blog, so that even if you didn't attend, you can still see those presentations.

Thanks to everyone who helped out, and everyone who came. I love being a part of FSA. If there is anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to contact me. My info can be found at the bottom of this blog.

Shanna Witbeck