Gaming-In-Progress

Last day of 2012, feels like any other normal day.
When I wake up tomorrow, it will be 2013 already.
But ever since university life started, the month of December seems to have lost some of it's significance. April is now the month I look forward to, as it signals the end of the academic year.

School's starting in a week. Kinda looking forward to it, it's gonna be another great semester I think, maybe even better than last semester. But at the same time, I dread getting pulled back into the rat race. I have never done well in academics before in all my life, therefore I had the pressure to maintain my grades. It was always trying not to fail too badly, never trying to be at the top of the ladder.

Looking back, 2012 hasn't been the best year thus far, but it definitely wasn't the worst.
There's of course things to be grateful for, but at the same time, I know that there are things that I wished I could have done otherwise.

I have gained some, but I have also lost some in 2012.
Whatever the case, what's done is done.
I'm leaving 2012 with some knots loose, some issues unsettled.
But maybe again, that's for the better.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Why do you even come back?
Just stay in China and not come back forever.
Every visit only brings drama and stress to the family.

Every time you come back, the house is no longer my home.
I have to find reasons to go out, even when all I desperately want is to stay home.
You will never know how tiring and stressful the home is when you're around.

So please, just stay in China.
Your return does us no good at all.
We don't need you.
I don't need you.
I don't even like you.
I hate you.

I'm tolerating everything because of mummy.
Wait until she divorces you, or when she dies.
Because when that happens, you do not just lose your wife.
You'll lose me as well.
I will have nothing to do with you and your side of the family forever once that happens.


You do not deserve the love or attention a father should get, because you never was a father.
So do not expect me to do you any favors, because I owe you nothing.

I would walk through fire and travel to the ends of the earth for my friends and family. But not for you, for you aren't my family. Heck, you aren't even my friend. You're just a passerby in my life, someone who comes and goes once a month.

Words cannot describe the anger and hatred I am feeling now.

As much as I enjoy spending time with friends, being with people saps my energy. Just so tiring to be around people.

someone asked me how I felt.
And I didn't have a reply to that question.

“I'll learn from the past, live for the present and hope for the future.”
“I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach”

- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Christmas is never complete for me without watching a christmas carol.
It's really the perfect christmas movie, together with home alone as well.
Can there be a more heartwarming movie for christmas?

What would I see if the 3 spirits decide to visit me on christmas eve?

I love you, you love me
We're a happy family 
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
Wont you say you love me too
I love you, you love me  
We are friends like friends should be
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you  
Won't you say you love me too
  
I don't think I've ever stopped enjoying Barney, even though I'm like 22 years old now.
Barney on Christmas day. =)

It's xmas eve again..
Okay, I'm not christian so I don't really celebrate christmas.
But I do like and believe in the spirit of christmas.
I believe Christmas is all about spending time with family and close friends, to be thankful for the blessings we had over the past year, and to be grateful for everything that we have today.

Sitting alone in front of my comp on this xmas eve, I can't help thinking of the xmas eve of yester years and how much I miss them.
Spending xmas eve having pizza hut with my mother, my brother, my auntie and my cousins, watching TV and just lazing on the couch.
Those were the best xmas eve's I ever had, and also the xmas eve's I missed the most.

Xmas eve this year, my brother is away in China, my cousins are all out with their friends. I too went out with my friends for dinner, leaving my mum and aunt to spend xmas eve alone at my house. I guess I kinda felt guilty, so I came home early to at least make sure I'm home for xmas eve.

Xmas eve is the only occasion in the year where I really feel the love of my family, maybe this is the magic of christmas. But it's the reason why I love christmas so much.


My all time favourite xmas song.
Merry Christmas everyone.

I used to think that falling in love with your best friend was only something that happened on TV shows or in the movies. Does it really happen in real life? Do people really just wake up one day and realize that the person who has never given them boners is actually their soulmate?
Yes. Yes they do.
In gay relationships, it’s easy for the line between friend and lover to get all smudgy. Like, I’ve thought about sleeping with most of my gay male friends at some point and sometimes I actually do. But there’s a difference between wanting to see one of your friends naked and actually thinking that you could fall in love with them. What I’m talking about here are the friends you could fall in love with, the ones you see and just want to hug and kiss and lay in bed with, long after the orgasm fades. The ones that actually cause you pain because you can’t just run up to them and start making out.
Recently, my friend asked me for some advice. She thinks she’s falling in love with her best friend but is too afraid to act on it. The fear of being rejected and subsequently losing the friendship seems like too much of a price to pay for her feelings. She couldn’t fathom losing him as a friend. He means too much to her.
Here’s what I say to that: Screw it. Screw the friendship and just go for it. If you’re developing strong feelings for a friend, you’re probably in constant misery anyway. Think about it. Realistically, can you do this forever? Can you actually deal with this pain and this longing for an indefinite period of time? You can if you’re a glutton for punishment. Otherwise, the answer would be no. Face it, you like this person too much to just be their friend. It’s not fair to either of you if you’re not being honest.
I once said something along those same lines, years ago, when I found myself falling for my best friend. I told him that I liked him and he responded, “I think I like you too but I really don’t want to sacrifice the friendship.” I said back, “Look, I’ll be real. I can’t be your friend. I like you so much that being your friend feels like torture so I have to do this. I have to either try dating you and see if it works or not be your friend at all.”
It seems like a “way harsh, Tai” response, right? I’m being selfish. There’s no doubt about that. But here’s how I look at it: There are so few people you really connect with in this world. There are so few people with whom it really makes sense, so you can’t let your fear get in the way of going after someone you love. Don’t let your fear cockblock you from experiencing something that could be potentially great.
If your feelings aren’t reciprocated and the friendship falls apart, well, of course that’s devastating. But you need to understand that it would’ve been devastating either way. If you hadn’t said anything, it would’ve felt terrible. You probably wouldn’t have tried to date or look for anybody else. Why would you when you’re already spending all your time with someone you love? At least now you know and you can start to move on. You can push your life forward. You no longer have to be stagnant and wait for something that’s not going to come.
If I have feelings for someone who’s not interested in me or is already taken, I can’t really be around them. Again, I know this sounds selfish but the alternative feels worse. I was hanging out with this guy awhile ago and started to develop a huge crush on him. Oh my gosh, he was just so cute and funny and smart! Then, just as we were starting to get to know each other, he tells me that he has a boyfriend. I was soooo “high school” bummed out about it and I knew immediately that this meant I couldn’t pursue a friendship with this dude. I had a crush on him the second we met. I didn’t want to be his friend. I wanted to date him! Why would I want to settle for anything less? I had to cut it off for the sake of my own emotional well-being.
If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation of falling for a close friend, my advice is to always just tell them. Yes, you’re risking a lot but you owe it to yourself to take those risks. In order for anything good to happen in your life, you have to be the one to propel it forward. You have to take care of yourself and not worry so much about what other people will say or think. You know what happens to people who never took chances or were always frozen in fear? They become a cat lady with a Xanax prescription. AVOID THIS FATE BY GROWING A PAIR OF BALLS AND JUST TELLING YOUR BFF YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH THEM!

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-to-do-when-you-fall-in-love-with-your-best-friend/

Okay I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes I kinda miss my brother now.
It's not like we talk much at all when he's at home, but I guess it just feels nice knowing that he's around at home.
Initially after he left, it was quite fun, having the house to myself.
But after awhile, it kinda got lonely, always having only me and my mum at the dinner table.
Then I decided to go out for zhi char with my mum today, and found out that it's actually quite hard to order for just 2 persons..

having nothing to do don't feel so great now.
I need something to occupy my mind..

It's just been a month, and look at how much things have changed.
What will happen, another month from now?

Change can be scary, but at the same time, there's always that sense of excitement for what change may bring about.
 

Boredom can be your best friend, or your worst enemy.
I don't think I ever felt so lonely before, even though I'm among a group of people.
Can someone just talk to me please. I'm so lonely that it's not even funny.

It wouldn't be so bad if they would let me stay in the room and watch my shows, but here we are, in a group, trying to identify the different kind of corals we saw. It's soooo boring and I wanna sleep.

I think I am better off being a diver than a marine biologist or conservationist. Sorry, just not my cup of tea. I love the ocean, but not enough to want to devote myself to conserving it. I prefer to be a guest of the ocean, visiting and leaving soon after.
--
I'm afraid of the truth sometimes.
I thought I would be prepared for the worst case scenario, but maybe not.
The distance does not make it any easier.

Was walking along the beach today, when I remembered about the importance of perceptions.
The objective reality does not matter most of the time, only your perceptions do.

Most times, it is easier to tweak your perceptions and view the situation in a more positive light, compared to trying to physically improve the objective situation. But sometimes, even before that, I probably need to start paying attention to the positive things around me.

True, the company sucks so bad on this trip. But maybe I have only focused on the negative aspects of this trip thus far. Maybe I should start counting my blessings and be thankful for all the good things I had on this trip.

I should be grateful for the beautiful beach I get to walk on everyday, the amazing sunsets I get to see, the serenity underwater I get to experience and also the weightlessness below the surface that I so long for. I also should be grateful for the good tan I now have as well as the frizzled salt-water hair that actually looking quite nice.

"There's a reason God limits our days"
"Why?"
"To make each one precious"
 --

I'm almost half way through the project.
The work I'm doing here is meaningful.
Each time we go for a data collection dive, there's a purpose for it and I'm really glad that I'm contributing to research in whatever small ways I can.

But at the same time, everyday here feels like a chore.
Being underwater, I get to be alone, in my element.
But I only get to be underwater for 3 hours a day.
For the rest of the day, I have to spend it with my team mates.
To be honest, they are all nice people, but I just cannot connect with them.
I just feels out of place among them.
It's tiring putting on a facade day after day and I really can't wait to get back home.

I'm bad with Chinese =(
But I still managed to read it...although I have no clue as to the real meaning behind it.

I'm missing everything in Singapore already...

Watching glee, I'm always envious of the relationship between Kurt and his dad, and I always wondered if such father-son relationships do exist in real life.

I guess I always wanted such a relationship with my father as well, but life isnt always a bed of roses.
I don't ever think I would have the ideal father-son relationship with my dad.
But I will learn from my experiences, and they will only make me all the more determined to give my future children all the time and love that I never had.

I don't know if I'll ever be a good parent, but I'll definitely do better than my dad and I'll try my best to make my child happy.

I'm sorry for lashing out at you this morning.
I know you cried, the red puffy eyes gave it all away.
I know I shouldn't have been so fierce, but sometimes the constant nagging just gets on my nerves, especially so in the mornings.
Imagine having a quiet and tranquil morning, only to be disturbed by your constant talking once you awoke.
But ya, I still shouldn't have lashed out.

It's not going to be never-ending.
You're leaving soon.
I hope you have a good holiday.
Maybe by the time you come back, things will be clearer.
--

For just that moment yesterday, everything felt right.
Does it feel the same for you?
--

I like to think in the morning, for that's when I know that you're asleep.
--

Checked and double checked my equipments. Everything looks fine, well except for my regulator that hasn't been serviced. Decided to bring my knife to depth with me this trip. Bought it quite awhile ago, but never felt the urge to bring it underwater until now. I should be feeling secure. Why am I not.

After diving for 3 years, this is the first time where I am dreading a trip.
I keep having this sense of uneasiness, that something untoward will happen on this trip.
It's not a sense of foreboding, it's just...that weird feeling in my heart..maybe it's what we call intuition?

I keep asking myself why do I feel this way, but I really have no answer.
Maybe it's because of the hap-hazardous way this trip has been planned. Maybe because I'm going along with a whole bunch of novice divers. Maybe because I know that the responsibility will be on me if something really does happen on this trip.

If anything were to happen to me during this trip, please do consider these as my final words for everyone.

To my dear mother, please do not be sad for me. If it is of any comfort, please know that I probably died a painless death under the depths. Life is probably gonna be very hard for you without me, but I take comfort that you will have En with you. I'll miss you very much and I'm really thankful for all that you have sacrificed for me. If I am in heaven, just know that I'll be watching over you always.

To my brother, please take care of mummy. I know you would. But I guess everything would fall on you now. Promise me that she'll be taken good care of, stay safe. She cannot afford to lose you too.

To my friends, please do not remember me as the guy who died underwater. Please remember me for the joy I've shared to each and every one of you. Each and everyone of you made a difference in my life, and I hope that I have made a difference in yours.

Do not mourn for me, for I will probably be in a better place.

If it's not too much to ask, can I have a memorial underwater in Renggis please. Just beside the playground will do and please do visit me often.


I'm never a very spiritual person. But please, watch over me. Keep me safe.
I really hope that my intuition is just a nonsense feeling.

Exams are finally over...this sem has been an absolute blast.
It went by in a flash and as cliche as it sounds, it really felt like the first week of lessons were just last month.

I've been feeling moody these days, over certain issues..but I guess I've been just trying to shelve them aside and focus on my exams.  Now that I'm done with them, I think it's about right that I confront all of them.

It's not that I couldn't handle it.
I just didn't want to think about it until my exams are over.
 

Been waking up very early these days, can't sleep.
So I just wake up and stare out into the windows, letting my mind wander.

It's a nice feeling.
Listening to the crickets, listening to the birds.
Watching the leaves rustle, feeling the morning breeze.

The serenity is comforting, so quiet, so peaceful, so calm.
It's almost kinda like I'm in my own little world.

There's a very thin line between having confidence and being over-confident.
While confidence will help me achieve my results, being over-confidence will make me careless.

I was over-confident during my mid-terms. In the end, I got my worst results ever in SMU.
Now it's time for finals. I need to remind myself to not be over-confident.
No more careless mistakes.

I need that A+ for finals and  I know it.
It has been a good run this semester. I shall not let stats become a liability.
It may not longer be an asset, but it will not become a liability.
 My GPA will not drop. I will not let it drop.
Not this semester at least.
And definitely not because of statistics.

I know I have the ability, I just need to temper my confidence levels.

I really think our brain is the greatest thing ever created.It's weird how on normal days, I can browse through facebook or blogs or websites, and never find something that really speaks out to me. But going through the same sites again on a crappy day, I'm really quite amazed at how apt and ironic some of the stuff I chance upon is..

How can you not be pissed at me when I've been so demanding?

And I told her, I didn't thought that she's been demanding because all she have asked thus far were mundane everyday hassles.
But I didn't get to tell her that it didn't seem demanding to me because I saw it as doing a favor for someone I care about. To be honest, there are not many people in my life whom I care about. So I told her, that if I can do something to brighten up the day for you, then I'll do it.

I know you made the best possible decision under the circumstances given to us, and I'm really glad that we came to a mutual understanding.
But I do not know if this understanding is the most beneficial one, or even if it's the one I need right now.
But I will go along, if you think this is what is best for us. Afterall, we are all just looking to be happy. =)



Will I look back in anger or disappointment 10 years later?
or will I look back with happiness and contentment 10 years down the road?
I guess I will never know until the time comes.

Friendships evolves, it never stays the same. I could be best friends with you this year, but a mere acquaintance the year after.  Looking back on past friendships, I do kinda regret that a lot of them have faded, even the very best ones. I do wish that all of my friendships could go back to the way it once was. I tried to pull them back, hoping to re-establish some semblance of the relationship it once was. Maybe I did not try hard enough, or maybe life just made us walk down different paths, but all my efforts seems futile. And so I gave up and finally accepted that we will probably never be getting back to the way it once was.  But I hope that no one will blame me for wanting to return to the past, and for my new relationships to never change


 FLY I'm so sorry. I really am. I still see you all as m y BFFs, I still do and I know that you'll all be there for me when I need you the most. But it just seems that we have nothing much in common to talk about these days. I know I became quieter when I meet up with you nowadays. But that's because I really do not know what to say. But I am contented with just spending time with you. I really am, because time is probably the only and the most precious commodity I could offer. =)

Claudy, thank you for being there every time. I'm really glad that our relationship has not faded over time and I'm really thankful that you came into my life. Words probably can't explain the gratitude I have for you, so I don't wanna try. But just know that I'm extremely extremely thankful. =)


 

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway

I never meant the things I said
To make you cry
Can I say I'm sorry

It's hard to forget

And yes I regret
All these mistakes
I don't know why you're leaving Me
But I know you must have your reasons
There's tears in your eyes
I watch as you cry
But it's getting late

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

Remember when we scratched our names into the sand
And told me you loved me
But now that I find
That you've changed your mind
I'm lost for words
And everything I feel for you
I wrote down on one piece of paper
The one in your hand
You won't understand
How much it hurts to let you go

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
Guess I'll never know

All this time you've been telling me lies
Hidden in bags that are under your eyes
And when I asked you I knew I was right

But if you turn your back on me now
When I need you most
But you chose to let me down

Won't you think about what you're about to do to me
And back down...

Was I invading in on your secrets
Was I too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I wanted in
What was I just about to discover
I got too close for comfort
You're pushing me out
When I'm wanting in
(Yeah yeah yeah)

What was I just about to discover
When I got too close for comfort
Driving you home
I guess I'll never know...