Gaming-In-Progress

My parents got married today!
Wedding never did hold much significance for my before this.
Most weddings I attended thus far were for my relatives.
This is actually the first time where my friends are the one getting married and not just any friend, but they are the ones who doted on me like a son.

To be honest, I could really say this has been one of the happiest days I have ever had since I was born. It was a different kind of happiness. Something I have yet to experience before.
Looking at them go through the rites and ceremonies, I just felt satisfied, contented and very pleased. I don't think I have the perfect word to describe the feeling, it included feelings of warmth, feelings of joy and basically the feeling that everything is perfect today.

It was also my first time being part of the bride's entourage.
I'm really honored that I got to be part of the entourage and I'm proud to have been able to play a part, however small, in what is probably the most important day of your life.


 So Mom and Dad, I know you would probably never ever see this post, and I will SMS all these to you too. But I guess I'm blogging it here because I want to keep a record of this day somewhere, to remember this special day.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish the both of you eternal happiness and a blissful marriage forever and ever. May both of you live happily ever after as a family and create many more beautiful memories together.

Thank you for coming into my life.
Thank you for doting on me.
Thank you for treating me like a son.
Thank you for teaching me valuable life lessons.
Thank you for all your care and concern
Thank you for all the advice you have given me.

Been raining quite heavily this past weekend.
I love rainy weather, it is comforting to just hear the sound of raindrops falling from the skies.
Rainy weather also puts me into a thoughtful mood, a period of time for me to let my mind wander.

I've been feeling much happier the past few days. I guess I've finally managed to put it behind me.
I'll just let time take it's course and we'll see where we end up. For now, I harbor no expectations, none at all. I will be thankful for whatever small opportunities that come my way and I will not delve too much on stupid small incidents.

When jealousy blinds us, we need to find a way to ask ourselves:
Why are we chasing a girl for?

Are we doing it because we like her, or are we doing it because you do not want to lose out to somebody else.

We need to realise that dating is and never should be a competition.
What's the point of competition? She is not an object. She is not a trophy. She is just a girl, a human being with emotions.

Just go with the flow. Ask her out only when both of you think you're ready.
Why rush into it just because you're afraid she will be taken by someone else before you could ask her out. You'll know when the time is ripe. If she happens to be dating someone else already, then just back off and continue being her friend.

Even if she cannot be my girlfriend, I would want her as one of my best friends.
More importantly, I would want her to be happy.

It is rare to find someone who you would want to care for.
So I'll treasure them whenever I find them. =)

P.S. Remind me to not procrastinate next time. I was thoughtful this afternoon, but I kinda forgot almost everything by now...

It's easier when you don't think about it.
But for how long.

Why can't I celebrate my birthday contented.

Please show me a sign for what to do.
Any sign.
Help me make a decision.

Fucking deja vu.

Why do I find myself in the same fucked up situation again.
What are the chances.

I've have not had a good sleep for the past 3 days.
The thoughts kept running in my mind.
Questioning myself, how important is this to me, but no definitive answer comes to mind.

I can't believe this is happening all over again.
But it's so much more complicated now.

What should I do?

Then the only thing you want for them is to be happy, even if it's not with you.

A quick google gave me 2 quite thoughtful articles.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/201001/passion-and-positive-psychology

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201102/why-passion-is-gift

Had a long bus ride today.
I do love long bus rides.
Gives you time to appreciate everything around you, as well as time to just sit down and think about everything and anything.

I've thought about quite a lot of stuff on the ride, but none that I can vividly remember now that I am home.

One thought that kept recurring to me however, was my persistence on image.
I realized that I care ALOT about people's perception of me.
I always try to portray a certain image to certain group of people.

More importantly, I found that I actually dislike showing my true emotions alot.
I always knew I was an emotion introvert, but it was not until today, when I self-reflected, that I realize the extent of such introverted-ness.

I don't dare to express my true emotions, to the extent that I would sometimes lie about something just so I do not need to express my true emotions. I don't really like to show my emotions to others, even to my closest friends.

Even if things are not okay, I'll just smile and sweep things through.

Why? I'm not really sure myself.
But should I be changing it?
I'm not really sure. Even if I want to, I would think that it will be very hard to achieve change.

 Actually after writing all this, maybe all of this just boils down to courage.
I just don't have the guts to really say what I really feel for fear of being judged.

So I went to google: the significance of birthdays...


A birthday is a day for us to pay tribute to and honour the people dearly to us, even for the little things that he or she has done to make our lives even more worth living for. It could be simple acts like cracking jokes to cheer us up, or being a listening ear to us when we go through stormy weathers, but imagine how our lives would have been when these people never existed in this world to keep us laughing or lend their shoulders to cry on?

So let us look at birthdays in a different perspective, and whenever someone important to you celebrates his or her big day, do not just shower with presents or yummy goodies. Express your greatest appreciation for his or her existence in your life.

And do not only show it on birthdays! Show it on every other day as long as you have the chance to do so.

Are birthdays overrated?

When I was a kid, I looked forward to my birthday, because it means I can get new toys to play with.

When I was in JC/NS, I kinda looked forward to my birthday because it meant that I get to meet up with friends and have a good meal/catch-up session.

When celebrating my 21st birthday, I thought it was a really important occasion because society kept emphasizing the importance of hitting 21 year of age.

Now that I'm turning 22, the significance of a birthday has diminished greatly.
It feels like it will just be another day now. No special significance. Actually, this applies to all birthdays too.

Why should someone be happy just because it is their birthday?
Why do we have to wish someone happy birthday?
How did the tradition of celebrating our birthdays come about?

Time is important, time is precious.
In fact, I think time is the most precious resource I have to offer my friends and loved ones.

Similarly, I value and treasure the time my friends and loved ones give me.

Very often, when around close friends and family, I prefer not to speak too much and remain silent.
That's my true self I guess. I've always been an introvert at heart. But I've learnt enough, to be able to portray a different self, an extroverted self to others around me.

This extroverted self is my public self. The self I portray to friends and to the public.
People who sees my public self, sees me as the guy who makes jokes and says hi to everyone he meets.

But my private self has always been an introvert. I guess I've became quite adept at switching and maintaining my different aspects of self. I guess not many people know this, well except probably fanglin, yvonne and leo..(are you guys even still reading my blog? If anyone reads my blog, I guess it would be the 3 of you left.) But I'm a totally different person with my family and with my closest friends...I normally keep quiet and listen and mostly just like to enjoy being around them.

It's hard to be able to find people, where you can just sit down and find no need to talk, no urge to continue the conversation. To just be able to sit there in silence and enjoy the moment. But when I do find it, I tend to feel that these people will probably be my closest friends and family I will have.

Spending time with you, is the greatest gift I could offer. But many people just do not see the significance of time. 

Okay, seems like I'm posting more often on the blog again..not sure how long this will last, but whatever. We'll just follow the flow.


Was browsing through facebook and chance upon this over the weekend.

How to save your heart:

Should:
- Never expect
- Never demand
- Never assume

Know:
- Our limits
- Where to stand
- Our role

Don't:
- Get affected
- Get jealous
- Get paranoid

Just:
- Go with the flow
- and stay happy


I thought it was really meaningful. Especially the last 2 portions.
 Go with the flow, don't go out of the way to impress, but don't go out of the way to avoid either.
Just react naturally and let's see where that takes us.

 Next time I feel like crap, I will be thankful I've posted this here.

--

Anyway, had SWB mid terms today.
Hardest mid terms ever.
No one had a clue about the format, but we all kinda assumed it would have some MCQs and short-answer questions.
Little did I expect to only have 10 MCQs and the rest were short-answer questions.
First time I found myself having not enough time for a paper.
It's quite funny. We had 8 pages to click through, with each page I click , I was hoping for the MCQs to appear. But each time I click , more short-answers questions came out. Additionally, the marks went from 2 marks per question, to 6/8 marks per question.

Hahaha looking back, quite hilarious. Can hear everyone furiously typing on their keyboards for the whole 2 hours. Definitely a mid-term to remember.

What exactly is passion?
It's rare to find someone with a passion in what they are doing nowadays, I guess that's why it's so nice to see someone talking passionately about their interests.

People know if you are truly passionate about something. You cannot fake passion. People can feel it through you. It's just that feeling, I can't put a grasp on it, but I know someone with a passion when I see one.

Every time I meet someone like this, I will ask myself: Do I have such a passion for the things I do?

Asking myself the same question again now, I find myself at a bit of a loss.
I used to think I have a passion for diving.
But can I really consider that passion?

I still love to dive, but somehow I guess the passion for it kinda dwindled down after becoming an instructor. Diving isn't really fun when you've been entrusted the lives of 6 students, who may not be all that comfortable underwater.

It really isn't fun each time you find a student missing underwater.
It isn't fun when you lose your divemaster.
It isn't fun encountering students who cannot clear their skills underwater.
It isn't fun to account for gears and students when crossing the causeway.
It isn't fun to wash the gears at the end of the trip.



I guess passion burns out when you bring in work.
They just don't mix.

I've been diving for 4 years now.
If time takes it toil on the activity we love, should it not be considered passion?
Afterall, isn't passion something that would be burning regardless of time, and there are so many examples of that. People who love their activities so much that they are still engaging in it for 10/20 years.

Can I consider diving my passion then?
If not, what is.

For good or for bad, diving has been the center of my life for the past 3 years. But with school, I find myself getting further and further away from it. It's not that I no longer want to dive, but it's just that I find myself preoccupied with all the things going on in school. Maybe it's time for my to hang up my fins, move on and find something new.

But that's easier said than done.
I don't think I'm ready to give up diving yet.
I believe diving can still give me meaning in life, something to look forward to.
But not when I'm in SMU. Not when I'm in school.


I kinda feel that I'm just going through the motions these days.
No meaning in life and it feels kinda pointless.
Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to anticipate.
I do love what I'm studying, but grades is not something that will give meaning to my life.

I do want to find meaning for my time in SMU. But what could that be?
I guess that's the million-dollar question.

 Note to self:
I wonder if there's psychology research done on feeling passion from someone else.

Jealousy.
It's been awhile.
I kinda almost forgotten how it feels to experience it.

Mood spoiler for the whole day, contributed to the edginess I've had over today too..

Kinda stumbled upon my blog again.
I've had this blog for 6 years now.
Looking back at the posts I've made over the past 6 years, I was quite amused at the nonsense I could write last time.

This space has primarily been a medium for my rants, my shout out against the crappy stuff in life.
I guess it kinda worked, judging from the number of rants I accumulated over the past 6 years.

My last post was in January 2012, which isn't really far behind, but it sure felt like those stuff happened ages ago.

Alot of things happened after that, some good, some bad. But nothing too extreme...I guess university education has been quite kind to me so far.

But recently it seems lady luck hasn't been shining on me.
Let's see..lost elections AGAIN. Lost a scholarship chance. Problems in cove, not that I'm very active anymore..plus I've been dry for the longest time ever. Last dive = July. Can't wait to get back into the ocean...even tioman or aur sounds like a perfect getaway now.

After all this, would I say I'm okay? Duh, of course not. It sucks losing. I don't like to lose. I don't think anyone else do. The feeling sucks. But I don't think I'm upset. More like disappointed. I could have done so much.

I guess it sucked even more when everyone expected me to win. I expected myself to win too..but somehow I just had the nagging feeling that I would not...hindsight bias? I guess I will never know.

But at the same time, I guess I'm grateful and touched by the many encouraging words people have given to me. I didn't expect such an outpouring of encouragement from anyone. It doesn't really mitigate the disappointment, but it's kind of comforting in a sense too.

Time as usual, became the best medicine. It's almost a week since I lost and I am kinda almost over it now. I still do periodically think of "what-if" situations, but counter-factual thinking does me no good...learnt that in social psyc. So no point keep going through the "what-ifs".

Now I'm halfway through semester 1 and mid terms are coming, along with it the pressure of maintaining my GPA. GPA is so sensitive in school, that people barely talk about it. The situation is even worse when you have a high GPA. I've never done well in academics ever, so this is a totally new experience. This is probably the only time ever where I've done well in school. But I guess I don't want to be seen as in a different league from everyone else, because I know I am not. I'm not a scholar, I'm not a genius. I would rather be treated like an average student and not someone with all the brains.

And so we enter 2012.
I haven been back here for awhile it seems.
But had this urge to reflect on 2011, but I didn't want to publicize it on facebook.
Guess that's why I'm back here.

2011 seems to have not been a very great year, but I'm sure it's not the worst among my 21 years of existence.

Now looking forward to 2012, here are some of my thoughts I wanna pen down.

Main goal of 2012 will be to focus on school.
I really hope to maintain my gpa.
Kinda having some jitters about my upcoming semester already.
The modules seems tougher, textbooks looks unfriendlier.
Furthermore I am kinda worried I took on more than I could handle.
4.5 mods, OCSP, Gourmet SubComm and Diving EXCO...

In any case, let it be known!
Priority for me should always be Academic > Non- Acad!

As such, I guess diving will be taking a back seat now.
Since I started school, I've been less and less involved with cove..
I know I'm doing the right things, Sch > Cove always.
But I guess I still feel kinda sad about it?

Not that it's gonna matter much for next sem, since the Aur/Tioman season will not be open that early.
I guess my involvement in cove would be very much limited during sch sems.
I hope that I could use my holidays then to be more active in cove.
Guess that's something I should bring up at the next cove meeting.

Diving has been occupying a major part of my life the past 2 years, I hope this would continue in 2012.
I've made alot of friends and learnt alot from them, but somehow after the last trip, I kinda felt disillusioned about diving.
Somehow the passion to dive is slowly fading away.
Maybe it's because I've been diving in murky waters for awhile and have forgotten the grandeur of the underwater world at it's best.
Maybe it's time for a change...crystal clear waters perhaps?
Suddenly I recalled renggis..the crystal clear visibility of renggis.

By joining the diving EXCO, I will kinda revolve myself around diving in 2012, but the experience diving with SMUX is totally different.
With cove, I dive to teach, which is kinda fulfilling at times, but with more responsibilities.
With my personal group of friends, I really feel at ease and enjoy myself the most.
With SMUX, it feels somewhere in between. Maybe it's because I am still not close with them yet, or maybe because it's my instructor profile that made me feel like I have some kind of responsibility towards them..but hopefully that would change in 2012.

Like I always say, diving for me, it's part living standards, part diving but for the majority of it, the people that makes or break a trip.

For the record, I like hanging out with people much older than me..it somehow feels natural now.
In fact, hanging out with school mates..I sometimes feel...out of place. HAHAHAHA

That's all I guess.
In summary,

SCH > Everything else in 2012. =)

Have not posted for awhile.
I've been buying books, but not reading them!!
With school about to start, I think I would take even longer to clear the books.

Anyway, Dead Reckoning is the latest instalment of the Sookie Stackhouse Mysteries by Charlaine Harris.
I would say I enjoyed this book.
Surprisingly, I didn't feel that it was draggy at all. This is probably the tenth book of the instalment.
I look forward to reading the next book!

I was actually reading another book. However, the book kinda fizzled out.
Thus I decided to put that book down and pick up this gem.
Another book by Nicholas Sparks, a sequel to The Notebook.
The Wedding is based on the story of Wilson and Jane. Jane, is the daughter of Noah and Allie back from The Notebook.

It's a simple tale of reliving memories and trying to find the spark that has died out after an extended period of marriage.
I was pleasantly surprised by how taken to this book I was.
Considering that I didn't find The Notebook particularly romantic, I wasn't setting the bar high for this book.
The twist at the end of the book was really unexpected. Caught me by surprise as well, but now no one could say that it wasn't romantic. =)

Another book bites the dust. Slowly but surely, I'm finishing the books by Sparks.
Sadly if memory serves me right, I am left with 1 book - The Lucky One.
Sparks has a new book in the works though. Debuting in the last quarter of the year.

OMG can't imagine that I forgot to post this book.
Well if I forgotten to post this book, it probably already mean something.
Another read from Nicholas Sparks, I kinda felt this book was mundane.
His style of writing this book kinda gave the plot away.
It was quite obvious that Paul would die in the end. (Wow i still remembered the guy name..)

Would still have to say it was a decent read.
Not as polished as Dear John, True Believer or At First Sight.

For me, it kinda felt like the notebook.

Anyway, after pondering for awhile, I've finally decided that True Beliver and At First Sight are the best of his books.
In fact, they are probably the 2 stories I remember the most(well kinda 2 stories, since they are linked)
Next best would be Dear John and The Last Song.

Thing I remembered most about The Last Song was in fact the emotions I felt while reading the book..I could still vividly remember how sad I was when Dad died...and how they came together to finish the stained glass piece..

Books 9 and 10 of the Southern Vampire Mysteries!
What can I say..with long series like this, normally I just read it for the plot.
Characters and events weren't really well developed.
I guess it was still forgivable for characters, since they have been around for awhile.
However, I felt like just someone reading a book.
I wasn't really pulled into the fantasyworld, like I get from reading a good book.
Quite afew characters died in the Fae war, and another close to Eric died in book 10..but those deaths didn't make an impact one me. It was like writing: CLAUDINE DIED.
No big bang and not much emotion placed into the writing of the scene.

To conclude, I read these series to just continue the plot. Plot wise, it was ok..the supes world get more explanation. But there's still so much that we have to learn!!