Sunday, January 30, 2005

gosh... someone please help me... tell me wat to do... i dunno watever i'm doing now is correct or not... i dunno where would everything take me to when it is over... i dunno wat is expected of me.... i'm so glum n moody... and everything just doesn't seem right....

waiting... does waiting means i will get wat i wan in the end...

why can someone behave differently and treat others as inexistence...

why can someone put matters of the heart aside...

why can someone choose to leave when you noe dat the person needs you so much....

why can other stay happily together forever but i can't....

am i just going to wait on aimlessly for you....

the results will show soon....

and it will determine my everything....

definately my everything....

read a story dat my fren sent me.... so touching.... i wish it would happen to be also....

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat.
My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home.
She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid, I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb.
She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time.
Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy.
But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony.
Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love.
This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs.
Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife.

When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.
But I couldn t help doing so. I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture, O.K.?
I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it.

No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon.
Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew s body.
This was the means of my entertainment. One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint.
She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly. She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question.
This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! . At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce.

From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed.

We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face. On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer. On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn t tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t notice that our life was lack of such intimacy. I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I m serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head.

Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn t value the details of life, not because we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

although i dun haf a husband yet.... the idea is the same.... to me dis is something like realise who is important to u and treasure dat person.... and never let him/her go....

for me.... i noe who dat person is.... it is him....

for him.... i hope u find dat person soon.... and i really hope dat person is me....

r a ! n a _____________*

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I Y you always n forever...

and dat is wat i pray...

dat you will be with me too...

MuncKins Cove... haha... cute name... reminds me of a small little character witha squeaky high pitched voice... hee... oh ya... the place is a small little cafe along bugis... den quite cosy... can play games in the cafe too... the games are quite cool.. and fun too...

hmmz.... watever is on my mind now... i tink most pple can expect.... i'm so predictable....
i've realised dat no one reads my blog.... except nes and dat's all.... hey.... it is just so depressing.... haiz... i'll read it myself.... be happy or sad all by myself... after all no one cares....

r a ! n a _____________*

Monday, January 24, 2005

the flu is back... can't breathe properly... feeling terrible... wonder why it came back... it has not been raining... or anything.... haiz... no one around to take care of me dat's why.... i need my darlin... =(

been trying so hard to make my pictures load up on to my page.... no one to help me.... haiz.... just fiddling around like dat.... going to make a mess out of my page man....
haiz....

r a ! n a _____________*

Sunday, January 23, 2005

i've been slacking for the past 2 months.... saying dat i wan to contiune my driving.... haha... but it never seems to fulfill.... well got to set my mind to doing it man.... since automatic is out better for me... after all.... i cannot change gears without having to steal a few glances of the gear box.... haha... just cannot remember where the numbers are.... 1234... they dun come in sequence... to me at least.... besides practical.... haven gone for my theory too.... haha.... dragged so long.... cuz the lessons all at weird timings ma.... wat u wan me to do....

Aim: GET MY LICENSE SOON.... a car is already waiting for me..... if i dun get it soon... it will be too bo hua...

erm.... going to give myself..... say half a year more.... by then.... i will get my license....

r a ! n a _____________*

Friday, January 21, 2005

been thinking so much lately... about alot of things.... the past... the present and the future... thot so much about him.... and myself.... thinking whether will we ever be together... haiz... so dun look forward to the next day in life.... after all each and every single is exactly the same.... filled with boredem and nothing else.... there is nothing to look forward to.... nothing to make me wan to smile everyday...

i have so many things on my to- do list.... and no one to accompany me to do it.... haiz....
i wan to:
1) Go Ice skating
2) Go Wild Wild Wet
3) Go blading
4) have a bbq
5) Go Genting
6) and so much more....

haiz....

just waiting.... waiting for happiness to come find me.... i tired of looking for it.... it always hides itself away from me.... ao just let it come find me.... i dun ask for more.... just him who brings my happiness along with him....


r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, January 20, 2005

wonder wat is wrong with me nowadays... practically vomitting out watever i ate or have a stomache... cannot sleep till late at nite... and wake up at weird timings... haiz.... am i breaking up soon....

feel very frustrated over things lately.... just can't seem to see the point in spending so much time over certain stuff... after all some dat does not do anything will still get the credit of things in the end.... been rambling over that issue for days... but nothing seems to help.... still get upset.... still continue to ramble.... only pity my poor nes nes..... having to listen to my constant complaints and nonsense... so glad she understands.....
will update more later..... going out for dinner now....


r a ! n a _____________*

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

there is going to be a long debate if everything is to be stated clearly... it will take so long a time... for everything to be placed in front... but so wat if everything is known.... wat difference will it make.... watever action dat will follow the confrontation is all forced... that is not wat i wan...
why is that people will change without even knowing it.... and it is just so hard to make them realise the big picture... cuz they only understand watever u directly tell them.... and dun they feel that something is just wrong.... or they know that something is wrong but just choose to ignore it... why is that some people recognise the problem and it affects them so badly...
where is all the fun that we used to have.... why is it that we are all drifting apart... why is it that we are all only close to one single person.... when the purpose is to be close as a group....
******************************************************************************************************************************************
why did u change... why did u leave.... why did u i dunno.... just do everything that is.... *i dunno how to describe...*
why can't u just be with a person cuz u love him/her so much.... love needs no reasons.... it is just needed of u to just embrace it when it comes to u... and not care about anything else... as it says.... when 2 are deeply in love... there is no one else in their eyes....

life is so unexplainable.... it is so complicated.... i dun like it.... why can't everything be as simple as a fairy tale...
i wan to live in my own dreamland.... with the one i love so much... and not care about anything else...
no matter what.... i will be waiting.... for the day to come...
waiting to be the first person on ur bike also.... remember just dis promise to me....

r a ! n a _____________*

Sunday, January 16, 2005

feeling weird these few days... nothing dat i do seems to be right... went for alessa's so called celebration last nite... when we reached the place... she was not around yet... i had a so called premonition dat there is a age limit to go in to coccolatte... and i was right... the age limit was 21... but we still waited for her to come... cuz she said there is an event there.... thus we should be able to go in.... but in the end... we couldn't... haiz... there is no one to blame... but just ourselves cuz we are not old enough...

after dat proceeded to esplanade.... cuz felt dat the trip down was really a waste... but... esplanade was also totally a flop.... din really enjoy there... nothing to do... nothing to talk... juz staring at the merlion... spurting water from its mouth... it is not really nothing to do.... but rather... no mood to do anything as well as no mood to talk about anything...

everything was wrong right at the start.... going down to coccolatte only to wait around half an hour or more... to learn dat we cannot go in... proceed to esplanade in hope to sit at harry's bar... only to learn dat they were closed for the nite.... went to cheers in hope dat they had some drinks... only saw nothing but wine n beer... went to merlion park... but to just sit there... feeling sianz... feeling depressed...

where is the fun dat we usually have.... where did they all go to?

i went home... and vomitted... i dunno why also... must be something dat i ate yesterday... or maybe the cab ride was too long... headache n feels dat something is stuck in my throat... vomitted and felt a bit better only....

where are u?
everything is not going well without u around... i tink i need u around again once more...

r a ! n a _____________*

Saturday, January 15, 2005

haiz... dunno why so moody... just dun feel like doing anything... dun even feel like playing maple... which is my favourite erm juz like a few weeks ago... dunno the reason why... why i'm just feeling so bored... so dejected...
slept so much... feeling drowsy and all...

went to sch today for nothing.... reached sch and the lecture was cancelled... haha... so means i wnet for nothing... discussed about alessa's present though.... haven got down to doing it... going down my grandma's house tomorrow for popiah... yeah! been so long since i last ate dat...was tinking about it also and i have it.... so happy...

i still miss him so much... the last meeting was suppose to sustain me till the next time i meet him... but it isn't doing it... i miss him more... i dunno why... everything i wan to do in a way link to him... haiz... can't seem to put my mind n heart to do anything.... everything seems to be so wrong...

darlin.... after so long... i still love u just as much... if anything were to change... it would be my heart.... as it has changed to love u even more.... it has changed to long for u even more... it has changed to love u even more... i miss u so much.... listening to songs reminds me about u... looking at pictures... reminds me about u.... looking at everything in my room reminds me of u.... i really wan u by my side... i love u darlin...

r a ! n a _____________*

Friday, January 14, 2005

feel moody... depressed... maybe it is the after effects of yesterday... i still dunno wat are the reason behind all my questions... wat is wrong with me.... my computer also got a bit wonky... aiyah... everything is crashing on me... one by one... but i still hold hope... still believe dat i will be with u one day.... together forever...

r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, January 13, 2005

met him today... den went alot of trials before finally get to meet him... nes accompanied me on the fone until it went flat... nothing special about the meeting... just had dinner den watched a movie...

kung fu hustle... i tink the movie suxs... not nice at all... just a stupid movie to me...

meeting him should be a happy thing.... but why do i feel so glum... during dinner... i had no appetite... during the show... i wasn't interested...

i dunno why i will be feeling dis way.... is it because... he is so near yet so far... i can see him but he's not mine... i love him but we cannot be together... or wat....

it can't be dat i've let go of him.... if yes... i won't be crying now... and i won't be feeling so upset... so gloomy... so sad...
i can't describe wat i'm feeling right now.... dunno wat my mind is thinking about now also.... i've noticed dat he wears the watch i gave him.... i've noticed that he wears the chain i gave him.... only the ring... is not worn.... i still wear the ring he gave me.... wonder if he noticed dat...

i dunno why but when he spoke to me... i found it hard to maintain eye contact with him.... wat does it means... wat does it show.... he spoke to me about many things.... even about his family matters... wat does dat show?

for me... if it is just a normal fren... i won't tell just anyone about my family matters... maybe frens also will not noe about wat happens in my family.... why would he tell me....

why is everything so like the past.... why is everything so the same.... why does everything seem as though nothing has changed... why do still seem as though we are together.... the only difference... is no holding of hands... no hugs... no goodbye kiss... dat's all....

i dunno... really dunno.... dunno wat is happening around me... dunno wat he is tinking in his mind...
but watever it is.... i noe dat i love him... n i wan him to be by my side...

r a ! n a _____________*

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

although today suxs.... i'm still so happy.... i just received his call... hee hee hee... and it is confirmed that he is meeting me later today... wee wee... i'm so happy... hee... can't wait... i just cannot stop grinning again.... haha...
I LOVE U SO MUCH DARLIN....

r a ! n a _____________*

Monday, January 10, 2005

I'M SO HAPPY!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!I'M SO HAPPY!!
I'M SO HAPPY!!
I'M SO HAPPY!! I'M SO HAPPY!!
I'M SO HAPPY.... SO ELATED.... SO OVERJOYED...
can anyone sense how happy i am... cuz why.... cuz he called me... he wanted to meet me... den dun mind to come down all the way to tampines also... so happy.... so touched... so elated...
but.... i did not meet him... cuz i dun haf his stuff with me... so another day...

i'm smiling non-stop.... cannot help it... hee hee... keep grinning non-stop.... haha...

hey ger.... dun be sad okie... there is always me n the rest of F5 around for u.... it's her own problem dat she does not noe how to treasure u... she will regret it in the future... so dun get upset over her okie... it is not worth it... cuz it will make u feel useless.... but we all noe... it is not true... cuz we are capable of things dat nobody noes... wat's lunch with here anyway.... just quietness n belittling comments.... who wan's dat.... dun worry.... u can always count on me....

i can say frens are important.... but they must be the correct frens... i used to haf frens.... many many frens.... but they were all not true frens.... which fren will only look for u if there is a problem..... which fren will only tell u all the bad things about the guy u love.... which fren will only call u once in a while... n which fren will change their numbers and not tell u..... these are all not true frens...

a true fren will always be there for u.... be it happy or sad.... a true fren will always be there for u to count on.... a true fren will never let u down.... a true fren will give u advice.... but not take sides.... a true fren will never leave u in the lurch.... a true fren is a lot more.... a true fren will also understand u....

i'm glad i have a true fren... time is never a factor in friendship.... doesn't mean u noe dis person for so many years means she is ur true fren.... i learnt a valuable lesson.... choose frens wisely... most pple can just be acquaintance... but a true fren rarely comes by....

thanks for being with me all dis while.... thanks for giving me all dat moral support... keeping me company... talking to me... advising me... and everything..... thank you nes.... n thank you sean....


r a ! n a _____________*

Sunday, January 09, 2005


Our Christmas Tree In Maplestory!!

been playing so much of maplestory... been like part of daily life... haha... so fun... killing all the creatures.... it seems so simple now... haha... when we just started... so hard to just kill one small little snail.... now... wee... one stroke n u're dead... decorated our christmas tree last nite... with nes n yb... with all the things we collected.... so nice... hee hee... the reason i'm standing away from them is cuz i need to get a full shot of the tree n words.... so sad alone there... but nevertheless... we had so much fun decorating the tree...

last nite... i went to bed with a smile on my face.. with sweet dreams that i will be able to meet u today.... however... my dreams were shattered... when u said u cannot meet me.... why does it happen again n again... i just wan to meet u for a little while... is dat so difficult.... wat is the reason dat u cannot meet me? i miss u so much...

i dun wan shattered dreams.... i wan to see hope in u.... i wan to see hope in my future with u.... i love u always....

r a ! n a _____________*

Saturday, January 08, 2005

darlin....

i believe in miracles dat will come true for me.... no matter wat pple say.... i will not give up... i will never let u go... u will always remain in my heart n i'll always be there for u whenever u need me.... i wan u to be my last and remain dat way forever.... i'll wait... no matter how long it takes...

i love u always n forever...

r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Things always dun go ur way... just when u wan something most, it it no longer urs....
i noe it is time for me to let go... but i just can't.... or rather i dun wan to...
everyone is running... but i'm stll crawling... i dun mind crawling... cuz it still gets me to places...

its so good to have someone to talk to.... to share ur innermost feelings with...
it is just different cuz there will be only one person where u will feel most comfortable talking to...
and that particular someone... cannot be ever replaced...
it must be a right person den u can pour out all ur feelings to... not just any tom dick or harry will do....

i only got one big problem... dat i'm brooding over
the more i tink abt it... the more upset i get
i noe its all in my mind n i just have to let it go...
but i dun wan...

i noe dat if it is yours... it will cum back
jus keeping it as good memories.. are not enough for me....
why does everyone says dat.... i dun wan memories... i wan it to be reality....
reality hurts but memories dun
but i wan miracles to happen... especially for me
miracles happen only once and it did not happen to me at all
u cant predict wat will happen but why did it have to turn out dis way
cos it was meant to be?
all things are destined so i just wan to live in my own dreamland
where i can get watever i wan.. and everything will go my way...
where everything i wish for will happpen
although its bluffing myself but maybe i not ready to let go yet.... so....
pple say i'm ready but i just dun wan to

its hard to let go... but i still can't accept...
who doesnt haf the love of their life time... but i just wan u to my mine and no more others....

my heart will be always deeply devoted to u.... and i will never forget u... neither will i ever let u go....
cuz i will never bring myself to do it... i just can't....
you are always on my mind....
i love u always n forever....

r a ! n a _____________*

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

~* me n nes *~
If you see me walking the road with someone else,
It's not because I like his accompany...
Its because you're not brave enough to walk beside me...

If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat...

If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because I love him..
But because you're not there to catch me fall...

If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going...

Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?..

Will we just let go of what we had...
Or go to the place where love is bound...

Don't let me walk with him,
It's you I want to walk with..

Don't let me talk of him,
it's you I want to talk with..

Don't let me fall for him,
It's you I want to fall in love with..!

do u get wat i mean.... i wan nothing else but just u by my side.... i love u darlin...


r a ! n a _____________*

Saturday, January 01, 2005

~* HAPPY NEW YEAR!! *~
2005 is finally here... hope all things goes well for the new year... and hope everyone enjoyed 2004...
my resolutions for the new year... is to....
1. Save money.... * been spending like water... buying watever i feel is nice... shoes n all... need tips on saving money...*
2. Smile more.... ~* first i haf to find the reason to smile... *~
3. Enjoy more with xiao da tou... ^god noes watever we will do when we are together... ^
4. More gatherings with F5! -= fun, fun n more fun!=-
5. Save money to go to HK with xiao da tou n Bangkok with F5! + planning already in process+
6. Do well for this year... # as in results.... *cross fingers* hee hee...#
7. Relax more... haha....
Lastly,
8. Keep him in my mind n heart always...
~* Cheers *~

r a ! n a _____________*

The Ger



~*Serene ` Raina*~

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