Monday, February 28, 2005

my jie jie just left for perth.... n she won't be back till june.... and i will only visit her in april... i just came back from the airport.... saw her walking into the transit area... as she hugged everyone goodbye.... tears started to build up in my eyes... and when she hugged me... it got worse... more tears bulit up behind my eyes.... although i did not cry... but still...

from today.... my jie jie won't be around me anymore.... there will be no one to argue or fight with me.... no one to make fun of me.... no more rushing into my sis's room early in the morning to see if she's awake... no more teasing from her.... no more free lunch... no more calling her to fetch me from sch.... n no more sis letting chelsea charge into my room and jump on me.... no more sis flicking my blanket away on weekends to make me wake up....

i din noe i will miss her dat much.... blood is really thicker den water.... i feel sad already...

just feeling so down.... feel like everyone is leaving me.... just leaving me to be all alone by myself... he left me... den my sis left... who will leave me next....

and when i'm suppose to meet u tmr.... it is cancelled again.... kind of nothing to say....

wan to see u so much.... when i type the last entry.... i feel so guilty after dat... wan to hug u and apologise to u so much.... cuz of making u think about so much things n make urself xin fan.... i dunno if u are feeling the same too but i kind of sensed that u felt heart pain.... and i felt it too.... i felt my heart ache.... cuz i made u upset.... i never told u anything like dat before.... stating things so clearly in front of u.... making u realise the truth.... and make u ponder over what i have said.... i'm sorrie....

my dear.... do u actually noe i wanted to meet u before u got ur results.... i dun noe the reason by i just felt that i should be there... but i could not.... so i thot.... maybe after u get ur results... i could meet u.... just to be there for u.... but u said u wan to be alone.... i respect ur wishes.... just noe that no matter wat happens.... i'll always be there for u.... u can trust me on one thing... which is.... i will never leave u....

i so wan to hug u.... n i miss u so much.... i was so worried when u said u wanted to meet me.... i din noe wat happened to u.... i guess maybe u will tell me when we actually meet face to face.... are u really alright as wat u said in the message....

i wan to be there for u when u need someone....
no matter wat time it is....
i'll always just a call or message away....
i'll never ever hurt u....
and i really wish we can be together again....
please give us a chance....
i Y you...

r a ! n a _____________*

Saturday, February 26, 2005

my dear small little darlin...
can u just tell me wat i can do to just let u know that loving someone needs no reasons....
if u can't forget me.... den why aren't we together? there is no such thing as cannot in the love dictionary... it is just merely a want or dun want....
remaining in ur mind is just not enough for me.... i wan to remain in ur heart n mind... you can't say that feelings are not there anymore... cuz... if the feelings are really not there.... u will be able to forget me.... but you can't... so wat does it show? feelings can also developed... as long as u are willing to give it a chance...
the chance is not given by god but depends on u and no one else... if u wan... the chance will be created.... so whether we are able to start all over again or not all is determined by u....
i know u have found another ger... but as u said... you know the difference between who gives u true love and fake... so why stay with one that is fake to u?
you dun wan to be a bad guy to hurt a ger's feelings again.... but in this way... aren't u being a much worse den bad guy by hurting my feelings?
trust me for this once.... watever u are doing now will definately hurt me much more den wat the other ger is feeling... if u dun wan to hurt her.... does dat mean u can hurt me instead?
i dun understand the reason to why u dun dare to face me... but just wan to say that
love for the sake of loving... dun mind about wat others say or wat others think.... just be together cuz you love that person... in dat way... u will be happy..
you have been thinking too much so dat's why u feel this way.... just for once put aside ur views n let urself be led by ur heart n not ur mind...
love is just a very simple thing between two people... in their world there is no one else... so dun bother so much with wat others say or wat others think.... after all... in the end... it will be only u and me.... and not the others....
my dear ... u are a boy so young so innocent but with a mind full of ur own thinkings... so hard to just make u understand a simple point...
so please find the courage deep inside u to love me again.... and dis time.... follow ur heart n not ur mind....
if loving is done just for the sake of loving and nothing else... happiness will definately be found....

i Y you...

r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, February 24, 2005

i'm totally clueless about wat i'm doing... i can't explain my actions... i msged him in msn... asking him when he is free cuz i wan to pass him something... and he said say again... why on earth did i do dat? i dun understand....

i also dunno who i'm writing this for.... no one reads my blog except for sometimes my beloved xiao tou.... thank you for being here for me.... but i guess u noe... the one i need now is not u... but him....

everytime i close my eyes... i see an image of them together... why does it have to be her... why can't it be someone else.... why can't u answer me straight.... why can't i be the one.... why must i have to go thru all this... to see someone i love so much be with someone else....

i'm tired... but i can't sleep... cuz when i close my eyes... it flashes again n again in my mind...

why can u love her but not me....

i wan to run away.... i dun wan to face all of this... run away to a place where i can feel no hurt... run away to a place where i will be happy...

sorrie to be selfish in this.... but i DO NOT wish u both happiness... i repeat again I DO NOT wish u all happiness....

n i wan u to be with me..... not anyone else.... my mind has been already set... and it cannot be changed... since i dunno when... it has been set that i wan to be with u for the rest of my life... and it is just different from the others....

never have i felt so depressed over a guy.... never have i stood by someone for such a long time.... never have i gone thru n change so much to be just the right person u wan n need... but why after all this.... u are still not by my side.... but in the arms of another....

can i please beg u.... to come back to me.... please....
i cannot be without u....
i can't stop the pain....
darlin.... i beg u....

looking at the way things are now.... i guess there is really no other way....

have anyone ever felt like the whole world crashed onto u before?
have anyone ever felt so broken dat its beyond repair?
have anyone ever realised how much another person is needing u?
have anyone ever know that missing someone is something so hard to get thru?
have anyone ever know that knowing the person u love with your life is together with someone else hurts so much?

why does all this happen.... there are thousand and one people in the world.... but why does it just have to be me....

do u know that is so difficult to let go of u?
do u know that i've already broke down.... and u added on to make things worse?
do u know the things i have gone thru?

no one just understand me.... i feel so alone.... cast out from this world....
who will be there to bring me out.....

how can u put a name there when u never ever left mine before....


i hate u.....

r a ! n a _____________*

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

a chinese valentine's day spent alone again... haiz... so much things on my mind... and so much things to do also... totally no life... n i tink i miss him....

dunno wat's on my mind also.... so confused....


happy chinese valentine's day
i wan SeRpY... n ReAnY... will he stay with me or u?

r a ! n a _____________*

Friday, February 18, 2005

i ask myself....do u tink i will wait for him still?
maybe i will for some time.... then maybe after that, i will not wait.. i'm not sure too..
maybe i will stay put for a while.. and perhaps will move on..
move on as in?
as in i will never say i want him to love me..
will never say i will want to wait for him...
will never confirm that he is my happiness...
and will consider others as happiness.. but not so easily of course...
i will move on with life.. without him...
and will never have the urge to have any contacts with him...
i won't want additional memories.. and just do with the past memories...and hold on tightly to them....

maybe... maybe all dat will happen...
i just noe dat... when i leave to study overseas... i will be feeling quite weird...
by that time, maybe when i leave to study overseas,
i might have the thinking just to leave him here in singapore, and nothing else..
no contacts with him anymore.. and meet others..
besides he is not the only tree in the forest..
although he may be the only tree that i will want to protect in the forest..
but i know for the best.. i have to be converted into a tree to let others to protect me..
maybe... all dat might just happen...
or ke neng wo hui shi yong yuan shou hu ta de tian shi....
and others will come into my life but no one will ever replace him...
as he will be the most important and most special person in my life...

sometimes love is so fragile... it can be broken in a sec...
and just a simple thing can make u very very happy.... or very very sad

if love is weak, something happens that makes u not happy, u will stop loving anymore...
if love is strong, whatever happens that makes u not happy about it, you will talk things out with him and gradually accept things and be happy for him, and continue to love him..
it can be weak for this moment, strong for another moment...
but eventually when it gets weak and u have decided to move on..
just one step away.. u will leave his world to another..
the memories dat u shared comes back to haunt u..
and dat time u decided.. it isn't wise to go to move on yet..

to me.... if the love between 2 is very strong.... no matter wat happen nothing can ever break 2 people apart.... u will do ur utmost best to solve the problem and remain together....

is all this wrong?
why sometimes guys just can't understand how gers feel about things...
look thru our minds... and try to understand our views.... it will make u a better person...

u will always be the tree that i will protect forever.... i will do watever i can to ensure that no harm gets to u.... so whenever u need anyone, anything or any help... i will always be there.... even when everyone fails u....

wo hui zuo yong yuan shou hu ni de tian shi... dang ni zui ji mo the shi hou pei ni... dang ni zui shang xin de shi hou an wei ni... he dang ni zui xu yao ren zhao gu de shi hou guan xin ni....

u will always be in my heart no matter where i am.... and u will also be the most special person in my life.... no one will ever replace u...

i Y you...

r a ! n a _____________*

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

I really wan my happiness... Can u giv me ? If u really love me please set me free... What i can say my feeling for you is completely blank.. I'm stuck in nowhere, i cant breathe cant find a way out ! Do u really wanna see me suffer so much.. i REALLY cannot take it anymore.. Please, i beg you..

Who I Want to Meet:
Serene... I'm sorry.. You can blame me of my heartless, becuz i really cant take it anymore... I really wish this is it.. The end of us settle once n for all... After a long seperate between us.. I already found a way to live without u by my side, already found the happiness i want.. I hope u are as well....

after reading this.... i can't control my tears.... i can't find my happiness.... they are flowing down uncontrollably... someone please kill me... right this moment..... i wan to die...

r a ! n a _____________*

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

went out with nes... with intentions of just going out to enjoy... just the both of us... however... dunno wat sparked the idea of going to holland v..... we should not have gone there in the first place...

ate at some place with lousy quality... den went to walk around the shopping centre... nes saw her tamagotchi... den we decided to meet her 'him' to get it... at the same time... i spottted something.... inside the display cabinet.... i could not take my eyes off it... as it reminded me of him.... he liked the thing.... i dunno wat made me buy it with the intention of giving it to him.... xiao tou didn't wan to go empty handed so went downstairs to buy some very expensive chocolates... i was just merely looking at them... wonder why i actually bought some in the end... next she said she needed a card.... i was looking thru... the designs... and i din noe why... i ended up buying one as well....

gosh the things dat i do for him.... there is no need for consideration.... harbouring hopes dat he might like it...

found a place to sit to design the card.... den went down to meet xiao tou's 'him'.... he came down from another lift so i din get to see his face... anyway... next was my turn... to give watever i have bought to him.... the time den was already 11 pm.....

i called him..... but he ended my calls.... i messaged him.... but he did not reply my messages.... so i just wondered why did it.... we went down to his place... no one was at home... the chocolates could not fit into the mailbox... it was already 12 at dat time... watever surprise or anything would not have been meaningful anymore... and after dat... we went down to holland v again in hopes dat he might have just ended work.... loiter outside his work place... but did not see him... hopes were all dashed.... so just took a cab home...

the journey back was quiet... i'm sorrie nes... i had no mood to talk.... i had no mood to do anything... i wished i could just throw everything into the bin.... luckily u have ur tamagotchi to make u happy enough.... dat's enough for u already.... i'm happy for u....

for me....
i dun understand a single thing.... why do i have to go thru so much when i know dat nothing will come out of it.... or rather the hopes for something good is very little.... why do i still have tears coming out when i thot i had totally ran out of them.... why do i do things for him without even thinking twice.... why do i place my hopes so high up in the sky knowing dat the chances of fufilling them is is little... and the most important thing.... i know i will fall and hurt myself badly in the end... but i still do it.... why do i allow myself to be hurt over and over again without ever realising.... and i'm not doing anything about it....

i cried again... and no amount of fanning will help... and as i type dis... tears are forming around my eyes... making vision blur...

i cannot take it any longer....









but i can't make myself give up on u....






dun bother about me....






i'm just making things difficult for myself....






although i say i hate u.....







it is all so obvious....






dat nothing is true.....






and dat u will always be in my heart....






i Y u always....

r a ! n a _____________*

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day!
darlin.... i Y you forever...

r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, February 10, 2005

HaPpY NeW yEaR!
GoNg Xi Fa CaI!
sorrie pple dat the greeting is a bit late.... have been too busy visiting around and coming back only late in the nite.... so sianz dat i'm still sick though.... have to bring my medicine everywhere i go.... no appetite to eat anything also.... haiz..... take care pple.... and eat all the new year goodies while u can.... i'm so poor thing.... cannot touch them.... sob... *munch... munch.... munch....* dun worry... i will eat to my heart's content when i get well... hahaha....

r a ! n a _____________*

Saturday, February 05, 2005

strange thoughts have been going thru my mind.... really don't know wat is happening to me... i totally dun look forward to things.... but pin day n nite for him... and the sickness dat i haf is adding on to watever sad thots i haf now.... feel so depressed.... nothing seems right at all.... haiz.... chinese new year is coming... i should feel happy... but i'm not... in fact i dun look forward to it...

my fone nowadays.... is so quiet.... no calls... no messages.... so sad... it is like there is no need to hold a handfone.... maybe i'll just leve my fone at home sometimes.... it might make me feel better... everytime i look at my fone.... i get upset.... haiz....

i miss him...

r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, February 03, 2005

i lost my voice.... coughing so much also... feeling so sick.... wat a time to get sick... the new year coming.... and i get sick at this time.... so the .....
good thing my mum is not one who really cares wat i eat and all dat.... otherwise i will not be able to enjoy all the new year goodies.... just hope i get well soon....

r a ! n a _____________*

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

been feeling so awful recently... got the coughs.. but dunno from who also... this cough have been keeping me awake n felling awful n uncomfortable... wake up halfway coughing terribily...
i'm having sleepless nites also... feeling so tired but just can't get to s;eep until the wee hours of the nite.... so just lie in the darkness... mind filled with stuffs... thinking so much about him...
haiz... i dunno wat is wrong with me recently.... tears just dun work anymore... no matter how hard i try to force the tears out.... they just dun wan to flow out...
tears when they flow out for me is a way dat i can pour out everything and cry my heart out.... but they just dun come out....

i'm feeling as though i cannot breathe anymore... the feeling is terrible...
i wan u around... i really do...

r a ! n a _____________*

The Ger



~*Serene ` Raina*~

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