♥ love ♥

Thursday, March 31, 2005

With each passing day...

i've grown to be much closer to u...
and i realised dat u noe me so well...
my character n all...

i've grown to love u more...
if i dun see u...
i'll miss u so much...
and if i'm with u...
i dun feel like going back...

i've started to be so excited to sit on ur bike...
even to the extent of how i'm going to mount the bike...
it is no longer a dream...
and it's really going to happen...
erm... give it about 3 more months...
have to let u practice riding alone first... haha...

i've realised ur importance to me...
and noe very well dat i cannot be without u...
and i also noe dat my subsequent days will be spent with u next to me...

i've found the reason to smile...
be it the littlest things dat u do...
or comments that u make...
will bring a smile to my face...

i Y you so much...
thank you for coming back into my life...
to make me smile again...

r a ! n a _____________*

Monday, March 28, 2005

to you:

i thot about wat i said... and thot about wat u said...
i thot about how u felt... and watever u are doing now...
i wan to say sorrie to u...

i won't rush u anymore...
i won't get upset with u anymore...
i won't pressure u anymore...

so dun worry...
i believe in u...
and will wait for u...

i will have the confidence in u...
and u dun have to worry about me giving up...

i Y you...

YeAh....!!!!
just finished my last paper.... which means there will be no more exams for me.... haha...
at least for the near future... haha... so means now i have so much time...
wan to do so much things:
1) Go Sentosa... haha... dunno do wat also... erm... beach volleyball?
2) Go ice skate...
3) Have a BBQ... actually just eat bbq food only... haha...
4) Have a chalet...
5) Go Shopping... but no money...
6) Go Chill Out... dunno where...
7) Go KTV... haha...
8) Go Wild Wild Wet...
9) Go erm... Jurong East Swimming Pool... just like fantasy island... so fun...
10) Prepare for the day...
etc etc...

haha.... do so many many things... but no money... haha sianz...
must go look for a job already... wat should i work as... server... sales... co-ordinator?

i hate daydreaming...

i hate deep thoughts...

i hate waiting....

i hate the light...

i hate 3 word answers...

i hate the answer "nothing"when asked wat is on ur mind...

i hate probing but after dat be not interested in the answer...

i hate being asked to treat everything as though nothing happened...

i hate being told one thing but reality does not happen dat way...

i hate being right next to the person i love but his mind is not on u...

i hate periods of silence...

i hate the feeling i'm going thru now...

i hate the feeling of wearing 2 rings...

i hate being left alone...

i hate watever dat is happening now...

r a ! n a _____________*

Saturday, March 26, 2005

the darkness haunts me all the time...
and when u least expect it...
it jumps out and overwhelms u...

i thot i could take it...
i thot i was strong enough...
but reality shows that is not true...

i feel weird...
i dunno wat i did is correct or not...
taking the ring back from u...

maybe that was just an assurance for me to hold on to...
i noe u will return...
but the only thing is how long u will take...

i'm teary again...
but it still doesn't flow out...
i miss u...

People are just strange beings living in this world... they do stupid n silly things that they themselves cannot explain the reason behind doing it... there were many things we learnt since young... but we dun actually apply them to our lives now....

when we were young.... we learnt that it is always a good thing to keep ur favourite toy with you... although it might just be a very simple toy.... but u would wan to go all out to protect it... and won't let anyone take ur favourite toy away... -----> dis was the lesson on cherish...

when we were young... we learnt that whenever we cry... there will always be ur parents around to pacify you... so we tend to rely on a presence to make us feel secure again.... now dat we have all grown up... the people might not be our parents anymore.... but the same feeling will be felt... and the person u wan now is the person that holds the utmost importance to u.... ----> dis was the lesson on tears...

there are also many many other lessons that we had learnt before when we were little... and it moulded us to become wat we are today....

everyone's story is different... and my story is equally unique as anyone of urs....
but i have no regrets....

r a ! n a _____________*

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

hee... feel so happy... feel so contented...

went to SP today with him.... and it is so huge... TP compared to it.... not even 1/4 of its campus size.... haha... now den i realised TP is so tiny... anyway... if not for directions... i tink sure confirm get lost one lor... so yup... went there submit something den left...

i tink i would never wan to go down there again.... it so huge... i will get lost n never get out... dun tink i won;t be able to do it... imagine dt i got lost on orchard road before.... so wat is SP.... sure much worse den orchard...

after dat went down to BBDC... and apply for his PDL.... haha... one piece of paper is $25... lets u drive on the road.... so means a few more practical lessons.... he can get his license already.... yeah!

dat also means... i can get my first ride on a bike... haha....
waiting to be the first person to sit on his bike too....
soon... soon... haha.... thinking about it...
haha.... so happy....

hmmz.... but a bit scared also.... cuz he say have pillon (dunno whether spell correctly or not) is much difficult from normal.... cuz the weight is heavier... so more dangerous... but i noe he will be careful....

okie... enough about bikes.... he so fast get PDL already.... but me... haiz... so lazy to go for lessons.... tink will convert to automatic driving... means Class 3A... easier...

so after spending about an hour there... went back to his house... waited for Lord of the Rings to start... den watched it.... but half way thru... i could not take it... too tired... so slept for a while... woke up less den an hour later... den went home....

i'm so happy today.... just spending time with u makes me happy....
and i'm ur darlin already.... so happy....
i love you darlin....

r a ! n a _____________*

Sunday, March 20, 2005

hee hee.... i'm so happy....

cuz i have u next to me...
cuz i feel the difference in u...
cuz i noe u are trying so hard...
and i noe u will succeed soon...

very very soon...

i'll be the happiest ger alive...

i Y you..

~* Serene ("v") Raymond forever *~

r a ! n a _____________*

Friday, March 18, 2005

it has been so long since i had a nitemare... a one dat scares me awake... although it does not make me wake up in cold sweat.... but it is still so scary.... i remember the previous one dat freaked my life out was about zombies in my house n stuff... dreamt about very very bad things.... so much so i woke up crying... those dat noe me will noe wat my nitemare was about the other time..... and dat was when i was in secondary 4!!!

in between i had no nitemares before just plain simple dreams... happy ones of course.... den today..... sob.... so scary.... i'm still terrified.... the images still flash thru my mind...

well.... here is my dream....

i dreamt about a demon in my house... forgot who the pple were inside my dream.... but the pple i remember were my dad... mum.... me.... n my maid.... dat already when to work for my aunt.... dunno why she was there too.... anyway... there were others too.... cannot recognise their faces.... okie.... so the demon possesed someone their.... den the person was like eek.... scary.... like the movie excorcist like dat.... weird colour face.... gross features... only never jump all around the room.... but still tried to claw or bite us.... my mum den tried to force out the demon.... den state the things she needed.... one of which was a pumpkin.... ( haha... i dunno why also... maybe too much of disney on ice: Princess Classics - Cinderella story) ya... n in the end... the demon was forced out... den suddenly... someone who look exactly n dress excatly like my mum appeared.... i was so afraid.... at dat time... my mum also started acting weirdly....distorted face n all... den the pple tried to hold her down while i screamed at the demon.... i wanted to shout out verses from the bible but i just could not remember any.... so i got my dad to get my bible from my room.... i flip n flip... cannot find the correct chapter n verse.... i also dunno how... my mum managed to force the demon out of herself.... den we all ran downstairs.... ( i was in a house with 2 levels) with me still trying to locate the correct verse..... finally.... i found it.... but the demon was still wrecking havoc in our place.... den to my horror..... he started to go after me.... i ran for my life to upstairs.... n i heard my mum shouting at me to lock the door.... the door.... had to be slammed a few times before it could be close properly... n the demon was so near..... at dat point of time i woke up......

argh................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm sleepy still but too freaked out to sleep.... sob....

i wonder why would i have such a nitemare.... it must be the stupid horror show dat i saw last nite without company.... but it was not really scary lor.... the ending was so "duh"... dun understand why also....

ya so..... i'm still afraid.... haha.... find myself silly also...

silly me.... feel like a useless small ger.... getting so afraid of a silly nitemare....

r a ! n a _____________*

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

i spoke to u... i noe wat u are tinking...
i believe in u... and i know u will be able to do it...
u won't be facing it alone... as i will be by ur side...
together... hand in hand... we will get over this period...

i'm smiling cuz of u....
u are smiling too...
i'm happy...

~* love is a simple thing... dat needs committment, trust and the knowledge to know how to cherish a person... *~

~* a relationship will last... as long as both parties put effort into it... *~

you will be loved... by me....

r a ! n a _____________*

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

i'm nuts....
i cannot tink straight...
i dunno wat is in my mind...
i dun understand the facts of life...
i dun understand u....

why is it when u make a decision u can't stay by it....
why is it dat u make me cry again....
why can't u let me be happy...
and let me keep the joy in my heart forever....

i'm a failure.....
i cannot do anything right....
i cannot do well in school...
i cannot get good grades....
i cannot do well in my examinations....
i cannot keep the one i love next to me....
i cannot make him happy but only confused....
i hate myself.....

i really hate myself....
when will the sun remember to shine on me again....
i tink it kind of missed the spot i have been standing all dis while....
dat's why darkness surrounds me....

please be the one to take me out from dis darkness....
please be the one to hold my hand....
please be the one dat will stay by me....
please be the one dat will care for me...
please be the one when i need u now....

i need u now....

r a ! n a _____________*

Monday, March 14, 2005

i see u online all the time.... and i so wan to speak to u....
i so wan to see how u are doing... and i so wan to be right by ur side...
i so wan my fone to ring... and so wan to hear ur voice...

it has been so quiet...
i wan to see u so much....
i wan to hear ur voice so much....
i need a hug from u so much...
i need u around so much...

i miss u so much....
miss u so badly....
need u around desperately...

r a ! n a _____________*

Saturday, March 12, 2005

~* -= as i remember the past... tears n smiles form at the same time... =- *~
i am missing u just as much as u are missing the days we had together.... so much memories.... be it happiness, joy or quarrels.... they all add to my memories... thus the tears as well as the smiles... so long together... but also so long apart... in all 2 years and 3 months and 7 days has passed...

i can't believe myself... it has really been so long.... and i'm still hopelessly devoted... still wanting u so much in my life...

sometimes... i just wonder why... wat makes u so special dat i cannot be without u... wat makes me love u so much... and etc etc.... butow much no matter i tink.... or how much i wreck my brain.... i just can't seem to find the reason behind it...

i remember so much things that we did together... u did for me... although they are memories now... but i dun wan to just leave them as dat... i wan them to continue on... i wan them to be neverending...

alot of places brings back all the memories i had with u.... but there are some dat brings back the extra special memories.... the fountain when we met each other alone for the first time.... the coffee club express joint @ Paragon... e-hub @ clementi.... the playground, fitness area the dunno which floor of that block and the overhead bridge.... all these place near my previous house @ hougang...

all these memories with u are all deeply etched in my mind.... even the simplest ones to the biggest surprises... i remember very single one of them....

i never ever regretted being with u.... i've learnt so much and it doesn't matter if the day spent with u is fruitful or not.... i grow to love u more each and everyday day....

i still have so much things that i wan to do with u.... the promises u gave me aren't fulfilled yet... i still wan to ice-skate... i still wan a ride on the motorbike...

as i tink about the times we spent together... i realise my mistakes... of not treating u good enough... of getting angry with u cuz of the smallest things... and always making u angry... i'm sorrie...

i really wan to be with u again.... but i dunno if i can still be the best for u....
i will treat u the same... if not better... but i dun know if they are all up to ur expectations...
i just really wan u by my side....

please let me have to chance to love u.... dote on u.... and care for u....
i miss u badly....

i wan to go over to be by ur side...
i wan to be there for u....
i wan to let u know that i'm always around....

dun be so sad...
dun be so frustrated...
dun think so much....

i Y you...

i wan to go Genting.... will u go with me?

r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, March 10, 2005

received ur call yesterday.... giving me half an hour to get to ur place.... knwing that it is impossible if i were to take the mrt.... but i felt dat something has to be wrong.... a time limit of half an hour to rush down from simei to jurong east.... the only way is to take a cab.... i had no second thoughts and was already preparing when u called me again... telling me that there is no need to come down already.... wat is wrong?

minutes later.... another call form u.... saying that if u were to come down to my place means u will patch with me.... i was like stunned.... i noe she was right next to u at dat moment.... and u all were in the midst of a quarrel.... so why did u call me....

i dunno why.... but i have the feeling dat u are using me to spite her.... using me to make her jealous or watever.... by asking me to go down to ur place.... wat were u thinking at dat moment of time..... trying to show her dat i would go dat extra mile for u so in a sense i'm better den her? adn when u call me to tell me the wat if u come down.... trying to make her angry with u... and treasure u dat way.....??? although i really wan to be with u.... but if it is done just to spite her.... den i would rather choose to wait longer..... i dun wan to be a tool that is used to solve ur problems.... it is ur problem.... and u should settle it urself.... not pull me into the whole mess.... imagine if i really were to go down.... stand there and watch u guys quarrel?

i actually really wanted to go down.... to protect u..... just in case she hits u or wat..... in the past when someone else hit u.... i did not protect u..... and i dun wan to repeat the same mistake again....

i noe everything is settled already.... and i can roughly guess the answer myself.... but i wan to hear it from u.... for me now..... it is like a prisoner waiting for my sentence..... unless i get a confirmed answer from u.... otherwise... i would not noe anything..... and i can only wait..... but the wait is painful....

it hurts painfully again..... it grew less painful or the last few days.... but now it is unbearable again.....

r a ! n a _____________*

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

everything is finally going to be over for everyone in my batch of tourism pple.... cuz in about like 2 more weeks... they will all graduate from TP.... whereas for me.... i still got half a year... cuz of some subjects that i did not take in the previous semesters.... it is actually quite sad dat i dun get to graduate the same time as the others.... after all... we had been together for over 3 years... and going on to the stage during the graduation ceremony is something that u will wan to share with everyone dat made it possible... ur coursemates... sigh... we just won't be there when u guys graduate.... and u guys also won't be there when we graduate.... sigh....
wat is left now.... is just the exams.... just 3 papers to go.... and sch's over.... in a way... cuz the subject dat i'm left to take next sem.... is a non-examinable subject... Business Excellence & Service Etiquette (BESE) and one more CDS...
throughout the 3 years of poly life.... i've met people from all walks of life... and i'm happy to noe many of them.... and some really glad that they came into my life....

they do not come in order of sequence.... but just wan to thank them....
monica: knew her right form the start of sch... and did much things together.... she gave me advice that i in the end still did not heed.... but nevertheless.... thanks.... sorry that due to some problems we are not that close as the past... i still wish u happiness always.... take care....

Flower 5: it is a so called group dat was formed while having attachment in caas.... although now is no longer existent to me.... the memories will still stay in my mind... the people inside includes me, nes, rach, sean n meiqi.... all the fun we had as a group in the airport.... is indeed a time of lots of fun.... not forgetting the nite spent over at my place... when we had our own bbq... those were the times dat i will miss fondly... guess as we left the office and spent time away from each other.... the bond weakened.... and everyone starts to get busy with their own stuffs..... so the bond that we once used to share closely has now disapperared.... but by all means.... i still wish everyone success in the future....

nes: i'm so glad she came into my life... i really dunno wat would i be now without her... she has help me so much when i was in times of need... she could understand me when others all could not even sense wat i was going thru..... really thank her for being there as my listening ear.... and being there for me.... pushing all her beliefs on me making me have hope in everything... i really love u xiao tou....

next is my group members dis semester.... i feel that dis is the happiest time i had for my years in TP.... although alot of deadlines and submissions made us all very stressed... i still had alot of fun being with dis group of pple....

these pple has made such a great impact in my life.... and i really thank them for coming in to it...

besides all these pple from sch.... there are also one person that changed me to become who i am today.... a better person as a whole....

him: right from the start dat i was together with u.... i was not someone very wonderful... i had my own set of thinking dat is different from others.... i do things without thinking about the consequences... and i only wanted the best for myself.... i did not know anything about sacrifice and i did not know how to love u properly....
u screamed and ranted at me so many times.... making me realise my mistakes... and change for the better... i know i took very long to actually learn the lessons behind everything... and caused u much hurt... and only after losing u once dat i've learnt how to do all those things....
i learnt so much things from u.... though age does not say so... u are so much more mature den me in some ways.... from making decisions to about life... so much so much that i gain much knowledge to be more streetwise in the future....
thank you for giving me all those chances before.... from the very first one of keeping things from others.... to allowing u more freedom.... i really thank you for not giving up on me for the past 2 years.... allowing me to change for the better... and making me who i am now... giving me all those chances made me reflect on myself and realise the harshness of life.... i might not have seen it in the past... but now i noe everything is just done for my own good...
u taught me the lesson that apologising for mistakes does not really work as hurt is already inflicted.... like the example u always cite to me... apologising after stabbing u on the back is equivalent to not apologising at all.... as pain is already inflicted.... and the wound is already there.... so no amount of saying sorry will help....
thinking about some things.... u haf also taught me how to play lan games.... like counter-strike, warcraft n gunbound... tink there was diablo n red alert too... but i just could not get the hang of those last 2 games.... haha.... out of all the games... i tink wat i liked the most would be counter-strike den followed by warcraft....
i remember u teaching me how to aim... how to shoot... and the routes and hiding places of the different maps n the different tactics to use... and of course the correct way of using my favourite rifle... carbine... haha... remember the one on one sessions that was so obvious that u gave chance to let me kill u in the game.... cuz with ur skills... u could have easily killed me before i could finish buying my items.... and of course.... ur team always playing around with ur nicks.... but urs will also be the least funny cuz u still had an image to keep up to.... as the legendary PapaY@ in the history of Counter-strike.... not forgetting warcraft.... making me play 3 corridors and always dying cuz i dun know how to control... and my favourite character... the priestess of the moon... the night elf on the white tiger... although i only know how to play the campaign n that stupid sheep mini game and not the real game.... it was also very fun....
so much memories.... if i would to list everything down... it would be neverending....
i long for these memories to re-enact themselves again....
and i long for another chance to be with u again....
to bring memories to reality again once more....
i will certainly terasure u more dis time...
i Y you...

i'm afraid of the darkness... cuz dis is the time when i'm vunerable to all my memories... and all the things that i feel...
and it is the nite... where my fears haunt me the most... and i miss u the most...
few drops of tears fell... though it is just so little... but it is enough to be a form of release...
again i'm controlling the tears from all falling out... i just so wan a time where i can cry out as much as i wan.... and at the same time have someone next to me....
my heart still hurts just as much... and nothing seems to be improving... it has never been like dis before... will the pain ever stop?
i can;t take it any longer... i need to breathe... i need to get everything out of my mind... even if it is for just a few seconds... i will gladly do anything to get total peace for a short moment...
i thot about things for the whole day.... and the whole of last nite...
and i've concluded....
i still love u just as much...
i miss u...
and most importantly...
i'll be waiting for u...

i Y you...

r a ! n a _____________*

Monday, March 07, 2005

felt that only chinese could explain how i feel... i'm sorrie darlin...

r a ! n a _____________*

Sunday, March 06, 2005

SoMeTiMeS aT nIgHt, wHeN I lo0k At tHe sKy.. I sTaRt thInKiNg oF y0u aNd aSk mYseLf wHy? WHy d0 I loVe y0u?I tHiNk aNd smile..BeCaUsE I kNoW tHe liSt woUld rUn oN f0r miLeS..ThE whIsPeR oF yoUr v0iCe, tHe waRmtH oF yoUr toUcH..So MaNy liTtLe tHiNgS tHaT mAkE mE l0vE yOu s0 muCh..ThE wAy y0u sUpPorT mE, heLp mE wiTh mY eMoTiOnS, sTay By MY sIde WHeN i NeEd yOu, Be WiTH Mi WHeN i'm DowN, chEeR mI uP whEn i'M unHapPy, cOnsolE Mi wHeN i'm sAd, wiPE aWay My TeARs wHen i cRY, heAL mI whEN i geT hurT..ThE wAy yOu shOwEr Mi WiTH yOuR cArE aNd cOncErn..iT sHoWs sUcH dEv0tIoN iN whiCH tHat You ToLeRanT aLL mY nonSenSEs, bEAr WiTh mI wHen i Lose mY temPEr oN u, giVe iN TO mI wHen i waNt anYthIng tO b iN thE waY tHat i WAntEd iT tO b..YOu Had LeT mI fEEl THat u R e MosT wonDerFuL pERsoN ThAT i Had MeT oN EaRTh..i FeEl haPPinEss aNd iT wENt dEeP sWEet InTo mY hEArT..i'LL couLd nEvER foRGet THe Day thAt i haD firSt meT u..wHiCH foLLoW bY thE dAY thAT i GeT to KnoW u MoRE aND COntinE On TO e DAy thAt i hAd bcuM uR loVe One.. ThE wAy tHaT yOuR kIsS fiLLs mE wItH dEsiRe..AnD hOw yOu hoLd wIth tHe waRmtH oF a BlaZiNg fIrE.. THe wAy yOuR eYeS sHinE wHeN U l0ok aT mE thAt WiLL mElt My heArt..aLthOuGh sWeET thIngS oF oUr sTOrY doEs Not COntinUe oN bUt i waS LoSt wIth yOu iN yOuR wOrLd f0rEvEr iS wHeRe I aLwayS wiSH tO bE..U aRe mY evEryThIng aNd u MeanT thE woRLd tO mi..i COuLd nOt fOrgeT AnyThinG tHat ConceRn aBoUt u And mI ALthOuGH i hAD trY mY beSt tO forGEt buT aLso dOnE mY paRt tO rEMeMbeR EveRyThinG..it iS nOt duE tO thaT i dO nOt waNt To forGEt aS iT huRts mI aLot bUt i sTiLL chOOse To remEmbeR bEcaUse i ThinK thAT iT woRth..i Do nOt wiSH tO forGet AnD iT haD bEEn dEepLy trAp in My heARt whiCH iS hARd To deLetE iT aWay FroM mY miNd..
oN e Day thAT u PaRt wiTH mI, iT maKes Mi fEEl thE eNd oF thE woRLd..i TRy tO puLL mYseLf uP whIch maDe iT sEem ThAT i aM haPPY ANd getTinG oN wELL on tHe outSIdE bUt aCtuALi dEep iN mY hEart, i AM cRyinG aNd bLeeDing NOn-sTOp..i miSSed You veRI muCH..miSSIng yOu dAy ANd niGht thOuGH i Cant gET tO c u As And WHen I LikE bUT i FeEL conTenTed aS lOng aS u STiLL rEmeMbER Mi And Get On WEll WIth SOmeOne You LovE..AltHouGH i KnOw tHat u wouLd NoT knOw aBouT hOW i FeEL bUT i stIll WAnTEd To Sae It oUt tO shOW hOW peRfECt u R tO mI..iN e PasT,THe wAy tHaT I fEeL uR loVE wHen yOu aRe bY mY sIdE..iT gIvEs A sEnSe oF sEcuRitY, LoVe aNd completion and over flowing pride thAT sUrRounDeD Mi..ThE dreAms tHaT I drEaM oF woUld aLL iNv0lvE U..aLL thE p0sSiBiLiTiEs thAT I sEe aNd tHe tHiNgS wE cAn do.. HoW i wiSh thAt yOu couLd fiNiSh tHe pUzZle tHaT liEs iNsiDe mY hEaRt.. HoW dEeP iN mY sOuL yOu aRe tHe mOsT iMp0rTaNt paRt.. I c0uLd g0 oN f0r dAyS, teLLiNg oF wHaT I fEel..BuT aLL yOu rEaLLy mUsT kNoW iS mY lOvE 4 u iS REAL..onE tHinG foR suRe iS ThaT sWeEt ANd WOnDErFUl MEmoRIeS oF u N mI wIll StAY foREveR aNd eVER..
No mAtTeR hOw lOnnG iTs tAkEs tO wAiT fOr yOu.... i'Ll bE wAiTiNg...
yOu sAiD uRsElF fEeLiNgs cAnNoT bE eRaSeD or dEvElOpEd sO qUiCkLy... sO tHe fEeLiNgS fOr mE mUsT bE sOmEwHeRe dEep iNsIdE yOu... pLeAsE i BeG u tO fInD tHeM sO tHaT wE cAn Be tOgEtHeR fOrEvEr...
i DuN wAn tO sUfFeR aNy mOrE pAiN.... iT iS tO pAiNfUl tO bEaR... aNd eVeRyTiMe i faLL ... i HuRT mYsElF vErY dEePLy... aNd sCaRrEd mYsElf vErY dEePLy tOo... i'M aLrEaDy sCarReD sO bAdLy fRoM tHe FaLLs aFtEr FaLLs...
rIgHt nOw... i jUsT wAn tO lEt u NoE eVeRyThInG i FeEL.... aNd wAn u tO nOe tHaT i rEaLLy nEeD u aRoUnD tO LiVe...

you said u will be around whenever i need u... i really need u very badly now... do u noe how much i cried last nite... and much the pain hurts... and at that time i just wanted u to be around me... to let me cry in ur arms... take away all the pain i'm feeling...
i'm special... so? i get to suffer more than others... i get to feel more pain... it is so hard being special to u... i wan to be normal... so i would not have to go thru all dis...
i have be hurt so many times.... whenever u let me down... whenever u make a decision... whenever u are upset...whenever so many things happen... i dun just get hurt when i'm without u... i get hurt because of u... i dunno why but i can just sense wat u are feeling... i noe when u are upset... when u need someone around... can u sense watever i'm feeling?
i just wan a simple life... away from all pain... just a simple life with u inside it... and dat is good enough for me...

i Y you...

r a ! n a _____________*

Friday, March 04, 2005

all the presentations, interviews and submissions are over... dat's leaves nothing for me to take my mind off u....
the days that are to come will be very difficult to pass... its like the third day... and it still hurts... and it hurts badly... cannot find joy in anything... cannot be happy about anything... does anyone noe how hard it is to put on a smile in front of everyone when inside u are breaking... much worse... their is no one by ur side to help u get over dis period...
i really feel i've sunk too deeply into everything.... yet i can't do anything to help myself... i can't accept the fact that u have left... i can't be happy about anything... i can't stop all the tears... i can't stop all the pain... and i can't let go no matter how hard i try....
i wan a person around to be there for me... i wan a person to love me... and i wan a person to be serious with me... and i wan a person to stay faithful to me... the person i wan is him...
i dun tink i am a very complicated person... and watever i do... i only hold on to the belief that i will have to pursue wat i feel is right, wat i feel i wan and wat i feel will make me happy... and that is him....
i also believe that if u wan the happiness to be everlasting... alot of trials have to be gone thru... den u will be able to cherish wat u have...
i tink i have gone thru enough and should be enjoying the success now... but why isn't reality so....
i really cannot understand something... wat makes me so different from her... wat makes u wan to choose her over me... wat make me wan to give up more thing den her for u.... wat makes me wan to put myself thru all dis misery just cuz i wan to be with u....

i only wan very simple things from u... and i dun expect much in return...
i've change so much and sacrificed so much just to be with u... but why is the end it just does not fall in the way dat i wan it to be...
just think of all the things i've done... and how much i have gone thru.... the heartbreaks... the patches... the giving of hopes to raise me high up into the sky... and dashing them by letting me fall.... did u ever realise dat one day i might fall to my death....

and even when i fall... there is always no one below to catch me... everything i went thru it myself... i can't believe how much u have hurt me... but i still foolishly wan to be with u...

i noe u never wan me to be selfish and i must tink of others... i changed and did that but wat did i get back in the end.... so for this time... i'm going to be selfish.... i wan u.... and o will fight for watever i wan....

~* soften ur heart and face me....
i might not be the perfect one....
but i willing to change for u....
so please give me a chance....
to touch u....
i'll be waiting for u....
no matter how long it takes....
please let me in ur heart....
and i will do my best to u....
i really love u....
much more den u can ever expect.... *~

i've been hurting inside since yesterday... hurting inside since i saw u yesterday.... and till now... it is still hurting...

usually after a day... the pain will subside... and i will only feel sad... but for dis time... it is still hurting.... and it is so painful.... i cannot take it anymore...

for once yesterday dat i prayed dat my fone will not ring... but it still did.... although it is just messages... but at dat point of time.... i really din wan u to say anything.... and since the messages came in... i had to reply... cuz i will never not leave u in the lurch...

and each word i type out pierced thru my heart.... do u noe how much it takes to wait.... do u noe how much it takes for me to see u like dat.... and do u noe how much it takes of me to leave u in the background....

i guess u really did not noe how much i went thru without u.... and how much pain dat i bear throughout all this while.... all this pain is killing me....

i guess u did not noe how things will evolve aound my side whenever u tell me anything... is feeling bad the only feeling u felt? i dun need u to feel bad.... i dun need u to pity me...
how can u tink in the way dat watever decision u make.... i will continue to live on.... how can u tink that i would be able to find my happiness without u...

as i have told u my happiness is u.... so if u left me.... means my happiness left me.... and the only way to get it back... is that the person whom i love the most comes back to me...

i will be waiting.... waiting for the day when the person i love the most comes back to me... and if dat day doesn't come.... i'll be waiting till time stops for me... or rather wait till my time is up...

of course... i hope the latter does not come true....

my eyes hurt.... too much crying i suppose...
the pain in my heart... is undescribable...

i noe u noe me well enough.... dat i'm just as stuborn.... and will never let go....

~* if i wanted to leave..... i would have left long ago.... why wait till now... n out myself thru all the pain... i've sunk too deeply into this whole thing.... and the chance of getting out is no longer visible for me.... please gimme ur hand... to save me from all the pain... *~

~* i need ur love...
i need ur presence...
i need ur hugs...
i need ur kisses...
i need u to shelter me from all the pain....
i need u to be around....
i need u very very badly.... *~

r a ! n a _____________*

Thursday, March 03, 2005

why do tears always fall....
tears are suppose to be a form of release for all the pain u're feeling....
but why it doesn't apply to me....

i'm feeling worse den ever.... and the pain just won't go away.... in fact it gets more painful as each second passes....

if tears were really a form of release for me... i would gladly cry all i wan and later forget about him.... but they can't help anymore.... i tink one fine day.... i will surely cry until i go blind.... n i will never forget him... cuz he means too much to me... so i just have to cry till eternity or until he comes back to me..... which ever dat come first....

Pain.... it is so unbearable.... i would rather it be a real wound.... that bleeds.... at least after a while it heals.... or a plaster can be used... to stop the bleeding....
but it is not.....
it is a pain in the heart.... it is a pain felt within and it is so hard to heal.... it is like a stab thru the heart.... the knife is pulled out... and another stab is given.... and the process is repeated....
besides all dis.... the pain is definately much more..... much more till i cannot describe... and it is getting worse....

tears are so uncontrollable.... they just flow like nobody's business.... how i wish i can just cry out loud n freely.... so after dat i can feel better... but i can't....
cuz if i do.... my family will get into the picture..... n force their stupid ideas on me....
so everything has to be hush hush....
under my blanket.... it is a different story.... i will cry till everything is soaked...
even poor mr ray's face gets soaked....

i've lost my mind.... i dun even have the ability to control my tears... i dun even have the ability to stop myself from shivering.... i dun have the ability to just keep u out of my mind for just one second....

why whenever i cry.... u are not there for me....
why when i need someone... u are not there beside me....
why when i need a hug... i cannot go to u....
why do i still love u so much.... after all dis pain which is killing me....

where were u when i need a hand to hold mine....
where were u when i'm sick n needs someone to take care of me.....
where were u when i need a hug most....
where were u when i need a shoulder to cry on....
where were u when i need support....
where were u when i need u the most.....

i need u around so badly.... i can't take it anymore.... i'm suffering so much....
please come n console me.... please....
please come n give me a hug.... so i can get over all dis....
please be with me when i need u.... even if it would be a little while.... i just really really need u around.... i just reallu really love u....

so love me back... and dis is all dat i plead u.....

r a ! n a _____________*

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

everyone will always say i have chosen my path and i will live by it.... wat is a path anyway? who determines which path should be given to u and which one not... and once it is shown to u.... wat makes u wan to take this path n not the other? wat runs thru
ur mind at the time u made ur decision...

after u took the path that u believe will be good for u.... it turns out to be the opposite... why can't u just turn back and go back to the crossroad that u face before and choose the other path...

maybe it is not really as simple as it seems to be... making the decision is not easy.... i tink it is the same as me deciding whether to step out the world filled with u or to remain inside forever...

turning back is not something that u will be ashamed of... in fact it shows how grown up u are...

right now.... i can only do my best to help u in watever way i can... hoping that will help u ease ur frustration... i will always be there for u....

maybe time is the only issue now.... time will show.... when u can find ur courage deep inside u.... time will show.... if u can come to a stage where u can be with me.... time will also show.... if they will be a day where u need not say sorry to me anymore.... cuz we will already be happily together....

but no matter wat.... i will definately wait for u.... cuz i believe we will be together forever one fine day.... and i will wait for dat day to come..... for i haf set my eyes on u... and will i will need u to be around me for the rest of my life...

i'm left with not much time already....

in six more months.... i will be leaving for australia.... to study for a year n a half... will u be able to make up ur mind and be with me by then?

i remembered u telling me.... dat if i really go overseas.... u will get engaged with me.... will it ever come true...

time is ticking away second by second.... n i will be waiting....

i never find another one.... cuz anyone or everyone cannot be compared to u....

i Y you always n forever...

r a ! n a _____________*

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

If a girl cries in front of you,it means that she couldnt take it anymore.
If you take her hand,she would stay with you for the rest of your life;
If you let her go, she couldnt go back to being herself anymore.

A girl wont cry easily,
Except in front of the person who she love the most, she becomes weak.

A girl wont cry easily,only wen she love you the most,she put down her ego.

Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you please hold her hands firmly,
she's the one who would staywith you for the restof your life.

Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you,please dont give her up,
maybe bcoz of your decision,you ruin her life.

When she cry rite infront of you,
When she cry bcoz of you,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she'sfeeling?
Think.

Which other girl have cried wif pure sincerity,
Infront of you,And bcoz of you?

She cry not because she is weak,
She cry not bcoz she wan sympathy or pity,
She cry,
Because crying silently is no longer possible,
the pain,hurt,n agony have become too big aburden to be kept inside.

Guys,
Think about it,
If a girl cry her heart out 2 you,
And all because of you,
Its time to look back on wat u have done,
Only you will know the answer to it.

Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may be too late for regrets,
It may be too late to say "im sorry"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
copied dis from someone's blog... applys so much to me... just spoke to u over the fone for more den an hour... so wat?
the things we talk about is also not about me n u... .haiz... after doing so many things for u... will i ever get repaid?
i dun wan it in the form of money or materialistic stuff... i wan it in the form of love... where it could be felt but not seen...
in other words... i wan u to love me again....
i Y you...

r a ! n a _____________*

The Ger

~*Serene ` Raina*~

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