Going Crazy and Having Fun

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I've ordered big prints; extra large in their size; And then trimmed them badly-which sure wasn't wise.

Photo books I've created; then forgot to order, (It must be my age made my memory much shorter.)

And of course Christmas Cards are a must have each year; To send out our love and our holiday cheer.

They go out to family, some friends and a neighbor; To bad addressing them can be such a labor.

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I like this one, it's true, you see-because it will fit my whole fam-i-ly

And this one's nice too, I say to be fair-I also like it because it's a square

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I have been blessed, more than blessed, to be surrounded by strong women in my life. If I had to make a list, there is no question who would top it-my Grandma. She passed away on Saturday at the age of 97 and her memory and spirit have been lingering in my mind all week. I'm having a hard time putting the feelings that are in my heart into words because nothing I have come up with seems to pay her proper tribute. Simply put; she is AMAZING! She has faced so many trials and challenges in her life, some of them so extreme and difficult that I cry even thinking about them. Yet, I never once heard her complain or say anything negative about her circumstances. She has always held her head high and fought hard and worked even harder to improve herself and those around her. I was blessed with the opportunity to say a final goodbye to her on Tuesday and it was hard to see one of my pillars of strength so weak and fragile, but I am so grateful to have had the chance to say goodbye. I will always treasure those last moments I spent with her, stroking her hair and sharing some of my favorite memories with her. I have such a profound love and respect for this woman and I am so grateful that she has been part of my life and has influenced me for the better. She has taught me so many things and as a parting thought, I will share just one of them, "If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters."

Today I drove past our old condo. It was the condo we moved into when we were first married, and the condo that we brought Andrew home to. It was kind of a surreal moment for me. It literally took me back in time for while and I have filled with memories from that time all day long. The memories that have flooded back include everything Andrew-from babyhood to toddlerhood. There are so many memories that I just want to write them all down so I never forget:

* The tick-tock clock

* Craig and I both in school at BYU. After Andrew was born, we had to move our computer into our room and the only place it would fit was right by my side of the bed. Almost every night for 2 years, I fell asleep to the sound of Craig typing as he worked so hard on his CS assignments.

*running to Rite Aid on a Sunday night because I was almost certain that I was pregnant after 2 months of marriage and being simultaneously overjoyed and overwhelmed at the results of that test

*Craig's white socks with his black work uniform

*Our first Christmas-the one without a tree

*Sitting in our bathtub at 2 a.m. deciding it was time to go to the hospital because I was going to have a baby

*Getting to know the little man who taught me a whole new way to love and changed who I am forever

* The trials of student teaching and having a 4 month old and the mom and sister who got me through that

* The days where I literally just sat behind Andrew as he insisted that he stand at the coffee table-even though he couldn't even balance himself.

*I vividly remember sitting on the floor in the hall outside his room on the nights Craig put him to bed and listening to Craig read him stories and make him laugh like only a daddy can. I don't know if words can do justice to the feelings of peace, completeness and happiness I felt in those moments. Evesedropping on the two "men" that my world revolved around, made me a h

*Graduating from BYU and knowing that I didn't have to use that degree I worked so hard for

* The baby that wouldn't eat anything except oatmeal

*The endless days swimming at the Willowbrook pool

*Andrew's first birthday party


*I can still picture him jamming out to Steve Miller Band in front of my old school stereo at the edge of the window seat and once he got big enough, climbing on that window seat (which was really more of a ledge) to watch for daddy to come home in "the work"

* I also remember the friends-oh the friends. There were a lot of people in our same boat, young and married and with one or two kids and I remember so badly wanting to find somewhere to belong and wanting even more badly to find a friend. It took a while, but in that house I found one of the best friends I have ever had. (As I drove by, I even texted her a picture of her old condo and then got the joy of talking to her for a few minutes) I think Jayne was one of the biggest blessings in my life back then. She just got me and she made me a better mom and a better person just because she was in my life. Once we built our friendship, we never went a day without multiple phone calls and we literally did almost everything together. She taught me what a true friend is and I will ALWAYS be grateful that she was part of my life then and I will ALWAYS love her like I did back then.

* As far as me: I can recognize that I am a much stronger and more confident woman than I was back then. In the 12 years since we moved in there, I have grown personally so much. I have gained more confidence in myself than I have ever had in my life. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, many of which are still the same, but the biggest difference is that I can now accept both and realize it it the balance of strengths and weakness that make me who I am and that make me stronger. For the first time in my life I don't feel a need to change my weaknesses, instead I can embrace them as parts of me that make me who I am. I also realize that over the past 12 years, I've surrounded myself with people who make me stronger, not only because they compliment my strengths, but mostly because they wont let me make excuses for my weaknesses.

* Tomorrow I may post a part 2 of my stroll down memory lane, but if I don't make it there, I will just say that I am so blessed to have had that period of my life to learn from and build on and for the path it created for me to get to where I am now!

On Sunday I was released from my position as primary president after serving in the calling for just under 3 years. I thought I was ready for the change and I thought that it was a good time, but when it actually happened, it hit me-and hit me hard-that I love this job and that I am going to miss it so much!

I remember feeling so inadequate and unprepared when the bishopric called me in and asked me to do this job. In fact, I remember it well. It was Christmas time and I was SCARED TO DEATH! I didn't feel like I had enough time, knowledge experience or so many other things to do this job, let alone do it well. I was so overwhelmed that whenever I would get in a car and drive around to do my Christmas shopping I would tune the radio to the loudest, most obnoxious station I could find and then I would turn it up as loud as I could in order to drown out all the anxiety and frustration I was feeling. Thankfully, that stage passed and after a lot of thought and even more prayers I was able to get to work. And I work hard, really hard for the past three years and while there have been moments of stress, anxiety and definitely frustration, I have loved it and even better I have grown so much because of it.

I remember shortly after my calling was issued looking at all the kids in our ward and our neighborhood in a different way. There were kids that used to drive me a little bit crazy who I had instant compassion and love for. It was like I was able to look at others in a different light and I saw that happen time and time again as I served. I was blessed with so much compassion for so many people and I truly believe that I was able to see some of the primary kids in the same light that Heavenly Father sees them and that I was able to love them more readily and easily because of that blessing.

I can't begin to say how much I have appreciated the women I served with in this calling. Anita, DeAnna, Cara, and Cheryl were and are such blessings in my life and I know that they were put into my path because Heavenly Father knew how much I needed them. I was blessed to serve in this calling with strong women who have taught me so much and blessed my life in more ways than I will ever be able to count or repay. I can't even come close to having adequate words to express my appreciation for them.

As I spent my final Sunday in primary being in charge, I was moved to tears more than once because I truly love those little kids so much and I am going to miss them more than I can even comprehend. I have been so blessed to watch them grow and learn. To hear their testimonies of our Savior. To learn what they have done to build their families. To listen to them share what they do in their lives to show that they are children of God. There have been so many times that I have been prompted to do things-sometimes things I REALLY didn't want to do-that I have seen bless the lives of my primary kids and their families and I am going to miss that.

I have learned so much about myself and grown so much in the course of doing this calling and it has become such a big part of me that I'm not sure how to let it go. I can simply say that I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to serve, and love and grow and I will be forever blessed and forever changed because of it. That, and I am going to miss it like CRAZY!

Another thing that hit me pretty hard tonight was that I am loosing so much of them and their lives by not writing it down, so I am yet again, vowing to do a better job at keeping up on this blog, because it is the best I have ever done at keeping a journal of our lives and as I look back on the memories I have written down, I really do treasure them and I know that I have so many more treasures that I am letting slip away!

Tonight I took my kids trick-or-treating.

OK, correction, I took two of my four kids trick-or-treating. Only two :( Andrew decided that he would rather stay home and watch a football game, and Madeline went to Virginia with my mom to visit my sister and her kids. As we were out there tonight I was so sad. This was the first year EVER that we haven't all gone out together to trick-or-treat. Usually we meet up with some friends and or neighbors and we spend the whole evening hanging out as family and friends and I love i- the family and friends part, the going door to door begging for candy gets more stupid to me every year, but I digress. The point is, as I was out there with my 2 youngest, I realized that they are growing up so fast and our lives are rapidly changing and guess what?

I. DON'T. LIKE. IT.

Who told my kids it was OK for them to grow up and to stop needing me? Who told them that it was cooler to watch football than to go trick-or-treating with your mom? Who told my baby that she should just go ahead and turn 4 this week like it was no big deal? Seriously, who told them?

I have know this was coming for a while, but tonight it was blatantly obvious that I am at a crossroads in my life. I am no longer needed like I used to be. My kids can (sort of) take care of themselves. I am in no way kidding myself to think that they don't need me any more, I just am realizing that they don't need me in the same ways that they used to and I am having a bit of a hard time with the whole thing. I just wish that they could stop growing while I figure this whole thing out, because to be honest with you, I'm not sure how much I like it!

This past Halloween was one of the best that I will ever have because it was also Madeline's baptism as well. We all laughed because she went from looking like this in the morning:

Yeah, I missed posting all 4 kids birthdays, so I'm just going to lump them all together here and now and hope that I can find a picture from their actual birthday! (Which I did for everyone but Madeline-I was kind of busy running a marathon on her birthday morning and don't have any pictures in my files so she just gets one of my personal favorites from her birthday month.) Every time a birthday approaches, I just want to grab the clock and freeze time because my kids are growing up waaaaaay too fast! (Especially the oldest two-the older they get, the more I realize that I am loosing them, and it makes me sad.

Since all my kids are in bed and Craig is gone to visit his dad at the hospital, I decided tonight's the night for me to catch up on this poor neglected blog! Feel free to read--or not to read--but I really do miss having this place as a creative outlet. I think my hang up is that I don't feel like I can start posting in the here and now when there is so much of the last 6 months I've neglected. So, neglect be gone!

I blogged a little while ago about my the insight and experience I gained while on our trip to California with my mom and Uncle Roger, but I neglected to share some of the fun experiences we had. For the record, my mom and Uncle Roger graciously treated me and my kids to a trip to California that included:

When I started this blog, it was for the sole purpose of being my journal and somewhere along the line I forgot that and did it as much for other people as I did for myself. Truth be told, I miss the journal part of it. This little blog is the best I have ever done at keeping a journal--sad but true--and I want to get back to that. This week something happened that made me stop and think about it. My kids were all asking me to tell them stories of when they were babies. I had several memories jump out at me of my oldest two, but found it hard to remember specifics about my youngest two as babies, and I was heartbroken. There are so many memories that I know are there bubbling under the surface, but I can't pull the details out. That was such a fun and exhausting time of my life and I am already forgetting it because I wasn't thoughtful or careful enough to write it down. And the more I think about that, the more I realize that I am doing the exact same thing right now. By not recording our lives, I am taking the first step to forget the hundreds of memories we are making each year, and I don't want to do that. So today, I'm making a goal to start the process of going through the 897 pictures I just uploaded from my camera and recording what I can remember so that I help myself to not forget.

Taking a note from my friend rabidrunner I decided yesterday that I really like holidays that have no strings attached. I like the idea of celebrating (and I use that word loosely) for celebrating's sake. There is no obligation to buy gifts, there is no need to run around getting "things" done, there is no need to do anything but make an otherwise boring day a bit more fun. Yeah, I like that! We didn't really do anything too out of the ordinary but everyone wore green shirts. After school I took the kids to buy all the green food they would like to try (and even some they didn't) for green dinner. And while I didn't take any pictures of the "feast" let's just say it was enjoyed by all. Especially me, because to break out of the humdrum of the daily routine was just a breath of fresh air; and not just because I got to keep my window's open all afternoon but because it was having fun for the sake of fun. Of course the highlight of the holiday was when grandma's St. Patty's card's came the day before with a little bit of "green" for each of the kids--now that was definitely out of the ordinary and definitely fun! Now I just have to wait until April Fool's day to enjoy the change of pace again--unless any of you can think of a holiday between now and then.....

*Oh yeah, the comment section reminded me that there was also green breakfast and green hair with the leftover Halloween hair spray.

**And since we're talking about green breakfast, when I was making Madeline's milk green, she said "Mom, I think Andrew and I are getting a little old for this." I told her I wasn't and then when I handed her her cup, she looked at it and asked if I could put in a few more drops to make it darker. How's that for contradicting herself?

Our stake leaders have given us a challenge this year to read daily from the Book of Mormon. It wasn't to finish the book or read a designated amount, but simply to read daily. Thankfully this challenge tipped the scales at our house to finally start to read the scriptures with our kids. It has been such a great experience for me to share with them and while we haven't quite hit every day, we are doing it and we are making progress. When we first started we weren't sure how it would work out with Ben and Sarah who are a bit young to just sit and listen to scriptures, but I have been so impressed with them and their ability to be still and be in the moment. There are so many things about this experience that I am grateful for and I just want to list a few I never want to forget:

* Sarah laying totally still while I tickle her tummy as we read

*Madeline being beyond frustrated by us always giving her the shortest column to read and then rising to the challenge when we explained that she needs to be a stronger out loud reader to have the privilege of reading more

*The look in Andrew's eyes as we discuss the scripture stories and their practical and gospel application

*Sarah mangling the words as she "reads" her verse each night

*Ben gaining confidence in his own reading and taking the initiative to read 2 or 3 verses a night without help (OK, without very much help)

*Struggling through the Isaiah chapters. We have laughed together at the silly words and phrasing in there, but I was most impressed when we gave the kids the option last night of skipping over the rest of these chapters and they all decided that they wanted to keep pushing through. I was very touched that they care so much about reading the whole Book of Mormon that they found the idea of skipping the hard parts insulting.

*But most of all, I am so grateful for the peace this whole experience has brought into our home. I love it when we all sit down in the evenings in our front room and end the day by reading our scriptures together. Nothing beats sharing that spirit with Craig and my kids and that is enough to keep me strong on this endeavor. I am so grateful for the wisdom and insight of our stake leaders in issuing this challenge and I am even more grateful for our desire to take it to heart. It has truly made a difference in our lives and I look forward to reading together for many years to come.

I had a hot date tonight.

It was with this guy:


We went here:


And we ate this:


And then we sat in the parking lot in my car and read this:



He was in heaven. And I didn't think the evening was too shabby myself, though I am questioning my judgment on whether or not it is appropriate to teach your 6 year old that it's OK to sit in the back of a parked car with your date! YIKES!

I sure love that kid he is such a joy to be around and I don't give him nearly enough time and attention, but it was sure nice to get out as just the two of us tonight!

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a curse that plagues mom's across the universe--I'm not sure which one yet, but maybe some of you can help.

I have noticed with every single one of my kids that there is one store that seems to trigger their need to use the bathroom. And I'm not talking an "Oh gee, it would be nice if we could find a bathroom sometime kind of soon" need. I'm talking a jumping up and down "I really really need to go to the bathroom NOW!" kind of need.

With Ben it was Target. Every time we went there, he had a sudden and urgent need to use the bathroom. Every. Single. Time. With Sarah; it's Costco. Every. Single. Time. And knowing this I almost always make her use the bathroom before we leave, yet somehow, by the time we hit the produce section there is an urgency to use the restroom that we don't see anywhere else. Every. Single. Time.

This is my mom and my Uncle Roger. Last October I got the chance to take a trip to California with them and my kids. I'll admit we were totally spoiled; they treated us to a trip that included 2 days at Sea World, a day at Knot's Berry Farm, a day at Disneyland, and the very best of all.... 2 days at the beach. We had a blast! The trip was great and my kids and I made so many memories--in fact we're still drink out of our Sea World cups on an almost daily basis and we frequently sing the Shamu song. But the fun and the memories aren't what I want to talk about. That trip made me look at my life, my children, my mom, my Uncle Roger and especially my grandma in a whole different light and I will be forever grateful for the experience.

I'm sure you noticed in the picture that Roger is handicapped. When he was five years old, he was hit by a car while he was walking home from school. He almost died, but instead he has lived the last 49 years with Cerebral Palsy. His road to recovery was slow and hard, but he had great cutting edge medical care and a mom who wouldn't accept anything but improvement from him and siblings who cared enough to work with him for hours on end with some tedious tasks.

My whole life Roger has been a fixture in it. He's always been part of our family, it's always just been normal to have someone around with disabilities. I never really even gave it much thought. But spending that week with him now that I am a mother opened my eyes to so many things and made me appreciate what I have and the women who have loved him and raised him his whole life. Not only that but being there with him and my 5 year old son made me draw constant comparisons to where he was and wonder what might have been were it not for that fateful day. I was overcome with emotion a couple of times during the week when I saw him and his broken body engaging in simple tasks that I take for granted all the time I was most touched by what he has had to endure on the nights that we knelt together for family prayers. My mom, my kids and I would quickly kneel and then watch as Roger slowly lowered his body to the ground and then bowed his head and body at an awkward angle. I realized so vividly on those evenings that his ability to have a normal life was stripped from him the day of his accident and it made me sad, really sad. But being sad doesn't do much for anyone, so instead of getting sad, I was very introspective on this trip. It was such a rewarding experience for me to get to know Roger all over again now that I am a mom. I can understand so much more of what he and his family had to go through and I can appreciate what my grandma has been able to teach him. Roger is such an amazing individual with SO MUCH love to give and I am so grateful that I have been able to be around him my whole life to learn so many lessons. But even more so I am grateful to have spent a week with him getting to know him all over again and to really see him in a whole different light.

This little blog that I have has been the best I have ever done in my life at keeping a journal. I have loved looking back on entries and being reminded of things I would have otherwise forgotten about, and I am sad that I haven't been keeping up with it for the last little while. I'm missing recording all the crazy and fun times we have as a family, I'm missing out on the reminders of what fantastic friends I have, and I'm missing out on all the joy that this blog once brought me. I don't really even know why I stopped. I'm still out there and still reading your blogs, but I am letting mine fall by the wayside and I'm sad about that. I can't tell you how many times I have thought "Oh, when I blog this....." or "That would be so funny on my blog," or even, "This was an amazing moment that I need to record on the blog." Yet thinking hasn't seemed to turn in to doing for the past six months and tonight I read someone's blog that inspired me to get up and make the change. I think my problem is that I hate falling behind. I can't stand the thought of just starting in the here and now knowing that I have missed almost six months of our lives in the process, but if I don't start here and now, I know that I'm never going to do it, so I'm giving it a go, and trying to let go of my anal OCD and not let any more moments slip away.

Just for my sake I want to make sure to write something about each of the following things that have made a big impact on me over the last few months:

* My trip to California with Roger

* My kids--every single one of them is a year older than the last time I put anything about them on it and they all deserve some sort of shout out

*My "friend" Abby

*Sharing time where we read 3 Nephi 17

*My friends--especially Stephanie

*And anything that I am reminded of looking back through my pictures of the last few months


It really does seem like I have been in survival mode for such a long time and in putting myself in that place I know that I am loosing out on so many other things that I love and enjoy. SO here's to getting back to me and back to the things I enjoy doing. I hope that I stick around this time.

Thanks to the reminder from a good friend, I am back in the blogging saddle, or at least I am trying to be. She reminded me that I am missing so many things just because of my blogging break, things that I will forget if I don't jot them down. So in the spirit of not forgetting here are a few random things that I better put on down somewhere before they're gone forever.

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I have the best friends in the world. OK I know I won't forget this one but I had to put it down anyway. I am certain that Heavenly Father knew how much I needed strong women in my life so that I could learn from them and become a stronger and better version of myself. I am beyond grateful to each and every one of them and don't even have enough words to express what they mean to me and how much I love them. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve such amazing women who lift me up and teach me so much and I just hope that I can live up to the amazing gift they have given me.

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Sarah is at such a fun age. She says the cutest things and is full of such sass that it makes us laugh every day. After Craig put the Christmas lights on our house she would ask him every night to turn on the "princess lights"

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I'm running a 5K a week from Saturday. I always feel like a wimp taking the 5K option instead of the half, until I remember how much fun we have on our girls weekend and realize that the half would really rain on our parade.

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Madeline was in a play called Nuncrackers. Hopefully I will post more about it later, but suffice it to say it pretty much consumed our November and December. But it was worth every minute. She had such a great time and even if the play itself had a less than stellar storyline, we were able to meet some really great people and have a fantastic experience together and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

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They boys have been doing wrestling. Strange but true.

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I hate January weather in Utah. The word "inversion" is enought to make me want to cry. It is so depressing to not see the blue sky out there, it kind of makes me sad.