Going Crazy and Having Fun

I have been blessed, more than blessed, to be surrounded by strong women in my life. If I had to make a list, there is no question who would top it-my Grandma. She passed away on Saturday at the age of 97 and her memory and spirit have been lingering in my mind all week. I'm having a hard time putting the feelings that are in my heart into words because nothing I have come up with seems to pay her proper tribute. Simply put; she is AMAZING! She has faced so many trials and challenges in her life, some of them so extreme and difficult that I cry even thinking about them. Yet, I never once heard her complain or say anything negative about her circumstances. She has always held her head high and fought hard and worked even harder to improve herself and those around her. I was blessed with the opportunity to say a final goodbye to her on Tuesday and it was hard to see one of my pillars of strength so weak and fragile, but I am so grateful to have had the chance to say goodbye. I will always treasure those last moments I spent with her, stroking her hair and sharing some of my favorite memories with her. I have such a profound love and respect for this woman and I am so grateful that she has been part of my life and has influenced me for the better. She has taught me so many things and as a parting thought, I will share just one of them, "If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters."

Today I drove past our old condo. It was the condo we moved into when we were first married, and the condo that we brought Andrew home to. It was kind of a surreal moment for me. It literally took me back in time for while and I have filled with memories from that time all day long. The memories that have flooded back include everything Andrew-from babyhood to toddlerhood. There are so many memories that I just want to write them all down so I never forget:

* The tick-tock clock

* Craig and I both in school at BYU. After Andrew was born, we had to move our computer into our room and the only place it would fit was right by my side of the bed. Almost every night for 2 years, I fell asleep to the sound of Craig typing as he worked so hard on his CS assignments.

*running to Rite Aid on a Sunday night because I was almost certain that I was pregnant after 2 months of marriage and being simultaneously overjoyed and overwhelmed at the results of that test

*Craig's white socks with his black work uniform

*Our first Christmas-the one without a tree

*Sitting in our bathtub at 2 a.m. deciding it was time to go to the hospital because I was going to have a baby

*Getting to know the little man who taught me a whole new way to love and changed who I am forever

* The trials of student teaching and having a 4 month old and the mom and sister who got me through that

* The days where I literally just sat behind Andrew as he insisted that he stand at the coffee table-even though he couldn't even balance himself.

*I vividly remember sitting on the floor in the hall outside his room on the nights Craig put him to bed and listening to Craig read him stories and make him laugh like only a daddy can. I don't know if words can do justice to the feelings of peace, completeness and happiness I felt in those moments. Evesedropping on the two "men" that my world revolved around, made me a h

*Graduating from BYU and knowing that I didn't have to use that degree I worked so hard for

* The baby that wouldn't eat anything except oatmeal

*The endless days swimming at the Willowbrook pool

*Andrew's first birthday party


*I can still picture him jamming out to Steve Miller Band in front of my old school stereo at the edge of the window seat and once he got big enough, climbing on that window seat (which was really more of a ledge) to watch for daddy to come home in "the work"

* I also remember the friends-oh the friends. There were a lot of people in our same boat, young and married and with one or two kids and I remember so badly wanting to find somewhere to belong and wanting even more badly to find a friend. It took a while, but in that house I found one of the best friends I have ever had. (As I drove by, I even texted her a picture of her old condo and then got the joy of talking to her for a few minutes) I think Jayne was one of the biggest blessings in my life back then. She just got me and she made me a better mom and a better person just because she was in my life. Once we built our friendship, we never went a day without multiple phone calls and we literally did almost everything together. She taught me what a true friend is and I will ALWAYS be grateful that she was part of my life then and I will ALWAYS love her like I did back then.

* As far as me: I can recognize that I am a much stronger and more confident woman than I was back then. In the 12 years since we moved in there, I have grown personally so much. I have gained more confidence in myself than I have ever had in my life. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, many of which are still the same, but the biggest difference is that I can now accept both and realize it it the balance of strengths and weakness that make me who I am and that make me stronger. For the first time in my life I don't feel a need to change my weaknesses, instead I can embrace them as parts of me that make me who I am. I also realize that over the past 12 years, I've surrounded myself with people who make me stronger, not only because they compliment my strengths, but mostly because they wont let me make excuses for my weaknesses.

* Tomorrow I may post a part 2 of my stroll down memory lane, but if I don't make it there, I will just say that I am so blessed to have had that period of my life to learn from and build on and for the path it created for me to get to where I am now!

On Sunday I was released from my position as primary president after serving in the calling for just under 3 years. I thought I was ready for the change and I thought that it was a good time, but when it actually happened, it hit me-and hit me hard-that I love this job and that I am going to miss it so much!

I remember feeling so inadequate and unprepared when the bishopric called me in and asked me to do this job. In fact, I remember it well. It was Christmas time and I was SCARED TO DEATH! I didn't feel like I had enough time, knowledge experience or so many other things to do this job, let alone do it well. I was so overwhelmed that whenever I would get in a car and drive around to do my Christmas shopping I would tune the radio to the loudest, most obnoxious station I could find and then I would turn it up as loud as I could in order to drown out all the anxiety and frustration I was feeling. Thankfully, that stage passed and after a lot of thought and even more prayers I was able to get to work. And I work hard, really hard for the past three years and while there have been moments of stress, anxiety and definitely frustration, I have loved it and even better I have grown so much because of it.

I remember shortly after my calling was issued looking at all the kids in our ward and our neighborhood in a different way. There were kids that used to drive me a little bit crazy who I had instant compassion and love for. It was like I was able to look at others in a different light and I saw that happen time and time again as I served. I was blessed with so much compassion for so many people and I truly believe that I was able to see some of the primary kids in the same light that Heavenly Father sees them and that I was able to love them more readily and easily because of that blessing.

I can't begin to say how much I have appreciated the women I served with in this calling. Anita, DeAnna, Cara, and Cheryl were and are such blessings in my life and I know that they were put into my path because Heavenly Father knew how much I needed them. I was blessed to serve in this calling with strong women who have taught me so much and blessed my life in more ways than I will ever be able to count or repay. I can't even come close to having adequate words to express my appreciation for them.

As I spent my final Sunday in primary being in charge, I was moved to tears more than once because I truly love those little kids so much and I am going to miss them more than I can even comprehend. I have been so blessed to watch them grow and learn. To hear their testimonies of our Savior. To learn what they have done to build their families. To listen to them share what they do in their lives to show that they are children of God. There have been so many times that I have been prompted to do things-sometimes things I REALLY didn't want to do-that I have seen bless the lives of my primary kids and their families and I am going to miss that.

I have learned so much about myself and grown so much in the course of doing this calling and it has become such a big part of me that I'm not sure how to let it go. I can simply say that I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to serve, and love and grow and I will be forever blessed and forever changed because of it. That, and I am going to miss it like CRAZY!